Some women are clear that when it ends, it’s over. They don't try to get him back and they actually don’t even want him back.
They see things clearly enough to understand the reasons why it ended and they recognize that unless he's changed in some pretty clear ways, getting him back isn’t a viable option – or at least not one that would be beneficial.
But then there’s the rest of us.
We're the ones who don’t want anyone else. We don’t even want to look anywhere else but right where he is. We’re not over him, we’re not seeing this as clearly as our friends, family, and coworkers are (they're too busy breathing great sighs of relief at the news).
We want him back!
So, to acknowledge this determined group (and, if we’re really honest with ourselves, most of us at least want him to want us back), I’ve got something here for you.
Yes, it's possible to get him back.
Possible. Not necessarily probable, but possible under the right set of circumstances.
Those circumstances include you being willing to play a role. To be willing to do something you’re not used to doing. To be willing to try some things you may or may not really want to do.
And here’s why I don’t generally encourage you to do this without looking at the specifics of you and your own situation.
It’s because you almost always have to be something other than who you are.
There. Read that again. You have to be something other than who you really are.
You have to be willing to act differently than you want to. You have to be willing to let go of the urge to call, to text, to continually check the temperature of your relationship, and you have to be okay with doing something different than you’ve ever done before.
Not because there’s anything wrong with you, but because trying to do and be the exact same thing you were in a relationship that didn’t work before isn’t going to make it magically work this time.
Can you do that? That’s the point here. Most of us can’t.
Or more accurately, most of us would find this too high a price to pay to get him back. But for those of you who find yourself unable to move forward without first trying everything, I’ve got something here to offer you.
You found out this was a guy who wasn’t capable of sustaining a relationship with you. Whether he had strong boundaries around what he could and couldn't handle, or whether his terms were clearly the only ones he could live by, what he showed you was that there was only room for his and little (if any) room for yours.
So here’s what he needs from you.
The first thing he needs is for you to accept him for who he is. To accept him on his terms. In other words, who and what you see is who and what you get.
You’re not looking at what he could be, you’re looking at who he actually is. Right now. The one he shows you he is by his actions, not just his words. This is the most important part because it creates a shift in you that he’ll pick up on, that you can’t help but create when you realize what you’ve got (and what you haven't).
And now the bigger question.
Can you live with that? Can you live with who he actually is now?
Because if you can’t, if you only want him back to try to change him, this won’t work. It can’t. Because he’ll be able to tell if you’re sincere, or if you’re only pretending you can do this when you actually can’t.
Neither one is a bad thing. It simply reveals what you're capable of and what you aren't and you need this information before you decide what you're going to do.
You’re so much better off knowing who you’ve got and whether you can actually accept his terms, now that you’ve had some time away from him.
You miss him. Of course you do. I get that - I've been there.
But it’s one thing to miss the idea of a person, and a whole other thing to miss the actual person. If you can’t accept him for the actual person he is, and you’re instead missing the idea of him, ask yourself if it’s actually him you want back.
Be totally honest with yourself here. Make a list to make this clearer for you. Is there enough there for you?
Think about why your relationship ended in the first place. Are the two of you actually compatible enough in the things that matter to make this work over the long-term? Or is this more about finding a way out of the pain and it seems like the only road leads back to him?
I can’t stress enough the importance of clarity here.
It’s so easy to say, "Yes, I want him back, I need him back," and then to grasp at anything to reach that end. But your dignity matters! Your self-esteem matters! And what you're actually wanting the outcome to be here matters more than you may realize.
So what then? What if you’re clear that yes, you can accept him; yes, you do want him back and not just the idea of him?
Then you start here.
And just like you’ve accepted him for the reality of who he is right now, you accept yourself and where you’re at right now.
Right now, you want him back. Right now, you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Right now, he’s worth just that much to you. You see, we can’t accept who we are until we acknowledge where we’re at. And what we want. And own that, without fighting it. Without making ourselves bad for feeling the way we do.
This, too, is a part of self-acceptance. This, too, is a part of learning to love ourselves. This, too, is how we walk through everything we feel, not just the more acceptable (especially socially acceptable) ways we try to tell ourselves we should feel.
Now go out there and start living your life again. Or maybe for the first time if you’ve never owned your own life before.
When you own your feelings, when you own every single one of your beautiful emotions that remind you every day that you’re alive, something magical happens.
As for him coming back, you know exactly when that happens? Right when you’re in the middle of living your life on your terms.
Yes, it happens. But when it happens, will you still want him back?
Maybe, but probably not.
Not when you realize the price you pay for having someone back in your life who requires you to compromise your own beliefs, your own values, your own dignity. Not when it requires you to go back to where you used to be.
But don’t worry about what you’ll do then. Owning how you feel right now is the point of this exercise. The future you who’s out there living, breathing, and loving her own life on her own terms has got your back.
Then, and now.
Can we be honest here? It’s okay to want him back. You don’t have to say a word. But if you’re here and have been through this – or gotten past this – please share your story right here in the comments for the ones who need to hear it. We’re so much stronger when we come together with whatever we’re going through!
For seven years I waited for him to be what I needed. Although he said it, his actions never reflected it. I had to get honest with myself about what I needed. If he was not going to be what I needed after 7 years he just wasn't. We went our separate ways.
Hello and thanks for the helping. I was on a relationship for about two years. When i put on table the discussion of being together in life making more close things, like co- living because i thought we loved each other and match with each other, he was reacting sometimes positively sometimes with a so and so expression. He broke up with me last february because - and as he claimed - i blackmailed him with that situation.He accused me of trying to impose it to him and to force him to do so...He was so angry at last.. But is this real love? I didnt force anyone, i expressed my feelings because i loved and continue to love him.. Was that an excuse? I was wrong at my attitude? Someone who loves wants to share dreams.. he left instead... I don t know, i am confused.. i sent him messages at the beginning, he was absolute at his desicion and i stopped since may... no communication... But i thought we had a bound emotionally... I don t know how he did that... What should i do? Can you help me? I can not stop thinking of him... I am feeling terrible and i can't go on with my life... i am stuck and so sad.. Even though i try with friends and hobbies.. Thank you for listening me..
I only just read your message. It tore me up inside to hear you were still torn over the breakup in August. How are you doing now? I am in the same predicament you were in..
Hi Everyone,
I am again confused and trying to figure this all out.. I have this guy for nearly two years near , we met online and we got on so great , we were both going divorces and were a support for each other... however his divorce was messy , and he eventually said he can't be in a relationship at the moment he has to work on himself and sort out his situation, which I completely understood so we became friends.. and remained in contact throughout the year just by the odd phone call or text message .. and I was finally coming to terms with this and starting to move on and thinking about dating again... however a couple of days ago he calls and the conversation has switched to how much he has missed me and how he remembers things we did together .. and asked me to see him... panic set in I was in two minds, but eventually agreed to meet him, we had a great evening and we ended up in bed ... i am unsure of what this all means... are we dating again... or was it just he was alone and bored and wanted some entertainment.. i really don't know .. he acts like he cares .. but his words say something different sometimes ... he invited me to his place .. the first time since i have know him.. he never wanted me near where he lived .. am i reading to much into that .. do i just go with the flow and see where it takes us .. i was not in the best place when we first met and i had my issues too . but this time i am feeling positive and i am in a good place .. i just dont' want to waste my time and get hurt again if this is just a "friends with benefits" thing on his side.. do i ask him where we are ? or just go with it for now ?
Get clear on what you want, who you are, what you will and will not tolerate. Then ask him simply where he is at and listen. Listen very closely. Based on what he says, make the best decision *for you*. Remember that if this person is meant to be in your life in a positive way, you being direct, honest, and 100% yourself won't change that. Your fears here are what is not a good sign. You know more than you think. Your body and reactions are already telling you something isn't right. Listen to that. If you don't feel content and safe with this person, then he isn't what you need.
Thank you Angel xx
I was with my ex on and off for twelve years, from the age of 22-34. Our final breakup was so ambiguous and I just knew we would get back together and the cycle would continue. I didn't really hear from him for about four months. Then on Facebook there he was...with his new girlfriend. I was devastated.
I never felt that kind of pain before. It was like I was having an out of body experience. The grief was unbearable. I started going back to therapy and reading books on being codependent as well as books on letting go and moving forward. I chose to take an antidepressant just to get through the day. I ruminated and talked about him non stop. And it was so hard. I wanted him back so bad, even though all my friends and all my family members told me I was better off without him. And I knew it. I knew deep down he was horrible to me. But at that point the pain was so bad. I thought being back with him would make the pain go away.
It was the hardest transition of my life. I was single for the first time at the age of 34. I was lost and confused. I tried online dating and hated it. I tried new hobbies, but all I thought about was him. Crying everyday was the norm.
Then one day I just decided I was done feeling this way. He ended up getting married to her about a year after we broke up. I immersed myself in yoga, painting, reading, doing things alone like shopping and sitting at the local coffee shop. I spent time with friends whenever I could. Then about two years after we broke up (and countless bad dates) I met my current boyfriend online. This was right after I burned all my journals in a bonfire and completely let him go. My current bf is the most amazing man. Thank goodness I waited for him.
And then wouldn't you know...guess who called and texted me about three months after I met my current bf? Yep the ex. He's still married, still continues to call me every so often. Im not on FB so no clue if he knows I've moved on, but the timing was so coincidental. I KNEW the minute I moved on COMPLETELY and accepted my life the way it was he would contact me. I never answer the phone. I don't need to. The blinders came off a long time ago and life is so much better now.
Don't be fooled...when you get back together it is just more of the same. Work on yourself, be the best person you could be, and love will find you!
Thank you thank you thank you ❤️
I know this pain you talked about. It is like your blood turns to ice, and your heart falls under a thoubsand knifes and start to tear slowly and your soul watches the world from up.
I hope i move on one day.
I finally had the almost perfect man! Never made me wonder or wait. The catch was that he was codependent. Just as I had always been in my past relationships. Because of my abandonment issues I find myself bored with the men that love me. He was one of a kind! Wrote love letters, never hesitated to proclaim his love, however he required a lot of attention and when he wasn't getting it the way he wanted he would have a tantrum. It became about every 3 weeks and I could feel myself pulling away and being mean to him. I'm the one that's always been mistreated so how could I do this to such a wonderful man. I asked for space but with a commitment that we wouldn't stray. We talked almost daily he was my best friend. He said enough and gave me the either we are or we aren't. Well of course I said are! The last 2 months together were so great but I told him I wasn't going to give up my time with my friends. I have a son he doesn't nor can he have children. All his time belongs to him. We decided we would go to counseling together to work through his codependency and my need to let go of the past abusers. Then out of nowhere he just left all my stuff and my key! I called, he said we can't break up to each other's faces we tried and I can't do this anymore. Just shy of a year together we talked about marriage and buying our home and he called himself bonus dad to my son! Truly the nicest man I've ever known. Less than a week later he says he's hanging out with a girl from school. Broke me! Then 2 days later he says it didn't work out, I thought we had hope! Then he immediately says he's not single 2 weeks later and is dating a girl he shoots pool with that has a very sketchy reputation. Unlike anyone he would want associated with him due to drugs etc. he says she makes him smile and he's happy and that's her past. I keep thinking I ruined the best thing I've ever had! He said that I was never going to be able to meet his needs for affection and I would never get better with my past as long as he was getting angry with me every few weeks. He's been dating girls 15 years his junior for the past 10 years and I'm 3 years older than him. I'm so confused bc me and my son loved him so much but yes I did want him to stop being so clingy..... I don't know what to do. We've made amends and I told him thank you for everything and he told me that he could never replace me. This man wrote me love letters all the time telling me he'd never leave no matter how hard it got and he did! Do I fight for him or let him crash and burn with this woman that is going to ruin his reputation?
This is unhealthy with a capital U. Let him go and sort himself out on his own and away from you and your child. Go to counseling alone, for yourself. A therapist to confide in and walk you through your processing your past and your hurts would be very helpful. Do this for you and your child. You're the only ones that matter. You may have made mistakes, we all do, but don't let these men of the hook. They are very quick to blame their crap on us and that is not how it works. He has his own work to do and that is his business. You are in charge of you and your baby, no one else. Right now you're holding onto the good memories only and that's why you're going back and forth, but stick to the issues to get your strength and move on.
How could he do this to me? Well he did I can be honest I'm not going to accept him for who he is and he don't have the capacity to fix what he did he was misleading. I hate to say it's very likely he was not in love he use me. I was too nice to him because he started the relationship like a gentleman we was on the same page for five months when he started getting mean lips and how busy he are going to be and I said OK and everything was about him then I let him go. What I went through was very hard and painful and still embarrassing to face untrue deshonest for nothing to answer your questions Jane I like him very much but I have to say know I can not take him back. I'll have trust issues
Misty, let him go. How could you conform yourself into something you know you're not for someone who doesn't value you for who you are? It will hurt but always be true to yourself. No man is worth your dignity or self worth. As you said, he even told you that he wouldn't marry you! What are you thinking...walk away and never look back.
He was for 2 years this wonderful person and I was in a perfect relationship until we decided we would get married and it met opposition from his parents . We are both of age - both above 30 with stable jobs . However , financially I am in a better position than him and I'm also a bit older.
I saw him transform into this different person a few months after it happened .. he kept changing his plans until he announced that he wouldn't marry me and he was so thankful he had cancelled his plans to do it - actually sounding like he was doing me a favor ..
How do I reconcile this person I see with the person who was with me for the past 2 years? When I think about accepting him for who he is - I wonder if the real him is the one I see now or the one who was with me before ? Friends say crisis reveals the true character of a person ..
I have gotten to a point where I want him back because I feel like I have to gain back the 2 years I lost and it's hard to start over with someone else . I feel hopeless thinking of how someone would love me if they knew everything about me and think about this man who accepted me for who I was and loved me . I've been thinking if I can only bring myself to do all he wants then he would love me again , but it would mean losing myself to gain him.
He actually told me even if I try to fix things he wasn't sure he still wanted to marry me ...
Please help ..
Key word: NOW. past is past. Now is what counts. He let go. That's not what a man you want in your life does.
You're in a stage in which you idealize memories and you fit them to your desires, but it is not reality. Focus on your life, not him. Do whatever you need to do to get to that place. Jane's programs are great starting points. Good luck.
Thank you Angel . Doing Jane's kickstart videos now .
I actually just broke up with my fiancé from a 2 year relationship . There are times when I've so forgiven him that I forget the reasons why we broke up -- times when I'm tempted to beg him to take me back because of the emotional investment ... but I realize if he really wants me , he would make an effort too . At times I ask myself if maybe it was wrong to stand up for what I believed was right...then feeling I would give anything to get another chance .I fear, though I would lose myself as I try to please him or his family to make them love me .
"Because he’ll be able to tell if you’re sincere, or if you’re only pretending you can do this when you actually can’t."
Until this past year, learning what I've learned here, I was incapable of truly letting go and going on with my life with my self-esteem intact when a relationship was going nowhere.
Throughout my life, I had been able to convince myself that I needed "just one more opportunity" to try to make a relationship work, when it couldn't possibly work because I wanted the man to be someone he wasn't and couldn't be. Somehow, I had come to believe that if I could wait long enough, the man would change. I put my life on hold, waiting for that change, not realizing that I could be the one who changed.
Today I am looking closely at the idea that the men in my life knew that I didn't accept them as they were. I hid my nonacceptance of them from myself, but they could see my nonacceptance. I remember saying to the most recent man in my life that I trusted him. He would have nothing of that and said, "That's not true. You don't trust me." He was absolutely right. I didn't argue with him.
It is occurring to me that neither of us trusted the other, and that he was trying to make me into what he needed, despite the fact that I told him that I wasn't a caregiver. That relationship was not meant to be, but I learned so much from it. It was that relationship that brought me here to this community of women who are learning healthy ways to be in a relationship or to be alone and enjoy a full life, knowing we are worthy of true love.
Today I admit that I was hoping for a man to change so that I wouldn't have to change. I didn't believe I could change. I thought changes in myself were impossible. I must admit that I do have occasional thoughts about the most recent man that I have let go of but after reading today's thoughts about getting to true love, I will follow those old thoughts until I get to the thought that I am committed to the fact that I let go of that man "as he is" in relationship to me. That is the truth for me today and gives me peace that I didn't believe was possible.
''But it’s one thing to miss the idea of a person, and a whole other thing to miss the actual person. ''
Wow! This sentence perfectly sums up how most people fall in love, including me. I remember i asked myself this question after my longest relationship ended: If my circumstances were different, if i didn't live in a city that i hate, if i didn't study something i don't actually enjoy just to be accepted by my parents, if i was truly happy with my life surrounded by people who accept me for who i am, would i fall in love with this person? Answer was no, without a doubt. I didn't even get sad when i heard he got married with someone else.
I came a long way to get to know and accept myself. Now i am trying to make the external changes like location and career changes. To be honest, i am scared to death! But i have to do this to create a life that i actually enjoy. It is more important than finding the love of my life right now. I need to find myself first.
I think I am slowly becoming one of the first group of women you mentioned on this post, Jane. And as hard as it is to become this person (as hard as it has been for me to even get here), I like it better this way.
This is exactly what happened in my life. It is so painful and confusing.
I'm sorry to hear that, Rebecca. I think the fact that it doesn't make sense hurts the most. But just keep on being you and doing for you and one day it won't matter anymore. 🙂
Thank you Amanda ?
It was three months since he disappeared, blocked my phone number and changed his profile pic to him and his ex girlfriend. They had gotten back together and he was too much of a coward to tell me. He had disappeared on me before, last summer, when he got together with her. We had been talking for almost 5 years.
I was "the one," the person he wasn't ready to be with yet because "he'd f it up" but he always ended up in relationships with other women. I always wondered what was wrong with me, why these women were good enough and never me, but I had it backwards. These women probably let him walk all over them. These women couldn't hold a candle to me. And he knew he couldn't be the man I deserve.
Back to this summer. I was devastated that he did it to me again. That he said he loved me and missed me (but never did anything to prove either statement) and then ditched me again. I was mad at myself for allowing it to happen to me again. And I was so disappointed at the realization that this person I truly did love was as cruel as they come for doing this to me.
But I bounced back quicker this time. I spent time with friends and practicing photography and organizing my home, all things I love and made me feel whole again. And then what? Out of the blue, three months later, he texted me, "I miss you."
It may be true (I mean, why wouldn't he miss me? I'm awesome!), but I don't want to go down that road again. So I just smiled and called it my redemption and didn't respond. I know now I don't have room in my life for people who aren't genuine or who don't value me. I'm not going to play with someone who at the drop of a hat will cut me off and throw me out like trash. That is a reflection of him, not me, and for his sake, I hope he is able to change that.
Stay strong because it could be hard hearing from this person and not fall again. He'll continue to string you along as long as he can. I pray that you meet the man who truly loves you and you him.
Thanks Zibiscus! I'll never understand why some people do this to others, but I won't be his prey anymore. 🙂
Amanda, that is my exact story. Like you, this time the pain didn’t pierce my heart like before. I think I was tired. But I’d be lying if I don’t tell you that I miss him & the endless conversations we had & the smikes.
Thanks for sharing. Stay strong.
It does get tiring! So emotionally draining. It actually feels amazing to be free!! And smiles and laughs with someone you can trust with your heart will be so much better than smiles and laughs and heartache on repeat. Keep searching for the real deal, Neri. Anyone who can do this to another is incapable of true love and basic human respect.
Oh my goodness! That is just what I went through last night! For 3 years we dated off and on and as embarrassing as this is to admit, he cut me off suddenly 4 times! I went back to him when he started chasing me again after a month or so. Last nigjt was the last chance he had yo hurt me. While we were textimg he just suddenly blocked me without any explanation! I am devastated. He was so cruel last night the way he kicked me to the curb. Finally he answered my text and said he cut me off because I pushed him away due to my paranoia. I would often question him when things just didn't feel right. (Like if he was going out again to meet his ex) . He didn't like me questioning him and called me paranoid. He was gaslighting me and would turn things around so that it was always my fault he left. Now I'm picking up the pieces and moving on. I feel so strong this tim e and if he contacts me again and asks me to meet up with him "to talk" I won't do it. He always ended up charming me to the bedroom. Now I am going to take the advice in this post and focus on MY life and MY goals. I miss him so much but I'll get it right this time and protect myself from him.
Block him right back! You don't need someone like that, who can't own up to his bad/shady actions and turns the blame on others. That's a disorder. Please do not allow that man the honor of speaking another word to you. He is not worthy. Take your life back Joanna! You'll be so happy to be free of the heartache weighing you down! It's gonna be easy from now on. (Look up the song "Easy From Now On" by Miranda Lambert. It's perfect for this situation.) Stay strong 🙂
Loved that song ... thanks for sharing ... and I agree with all you have written on this issue Amanda. Stay strong everyone. We deserve quality men who can meet us where we are and like Wayne Dyer said "you will see it when you believe it".
Hi Amanda,
Your story is exactly like mine. Dated a man that he called me the "one" for 2.5 years. Disappeared on me last December because I wanted to know when he was finally going to commit to me after all the promises he made. Didn't hear from him until July. When he can crawling back saying how wrong he was for leaving me and wanted to make things work. Well, actions speak louder than words. He didn't do anything that showed me he was really into making it work. So I texted him saying it doesn't seem like you're really into making this work. Guess what? He disappeared again and never even had the courtesy of responding back. I finally realized what type of man he is. I honestly feel sorry for any woman that gets involved with him. I finally let go of him and the situation. I'm hoping to find a man that truly loves and values me. Thanks for sharing your story.
I'm so glad you called him out on his inaction, Nett!! Thanks for sharing your story, too. Nobody wants a future faker, we want the real thing. What is up with these men that do this? Why would anyone want to put on this grand façade, promise the world and then not deliver? Are they just great liars and enjoy playing with people or is there truth behind their words but they are just incapable / petrified of seeing them through? Our connections with these guys feel so real, but clearly we're better off when they disappear. Jane, any ideas?
I go into detail about this in my program "Why Men Pull Away", Amanda. These are deeply sensitive men who have learned to place the blame elsewhere for their relationship failings to save themselves from the shame they're so very sensitive to. Of course that means whoever they're in a relationship with. The fact that their issues are almost entirely subconscious makes our understanding their behavior key to getting over them and vital to our learning how to avoid similar situations in the future with similar men.
No, they don't feel good about any of this, but they also don't know how to stop it or what to do about it since our culture doesn't make it easy for them to seek out help. This is starting to slowly change, and I'm encouraged by the awareness those of us who are passionate about helping to change this culture, are bringing to this subject of emotionally unavailable men and the reasons behind them, but we still have a lot of work to do.
I'm glad you found your way here, Amanda, and I hope you continue to find support and encouragement here on your journey through all this. At the end of the day, we all have a choice. Every one of these men, too. We can remain the same and stay exactly where we are, or we can find the courage to dig deeper, to find our own why and discover the programming that lies underneath that which feels so resistant to change. Thanks for being part of this deeper conversation!