He’s gone or you left. Does it matter?
Not deep down in your heart where it hurts. Even if you were the one who said “enough”, it wasn’t really because you wanted to. It was because you felt you had to.
He couldn’t do it.
You tried everything to make him see, to show him what a mistake he was making if he threw it all away.
But the problem was, he couldn’t. He didn’t have it in him in the end. He may have tried, but we can’t speak for him. What we know is that he simply wasn’t capable.
I know you're heart broken. I know you're feeling down. But let me show you a different perspective here. One that took me years to figure out, and one I wished I’d had when I needed it most.
After he left. Or after I finally walked away. Or anytime during the months (sometimes years) following when I continued to revisit what had happened and if there was anything else I could possibly have done to make him stay.
You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place.
He was never yours to lose.
Whatever you thought he was, was only an illusion.
This is so important to understand. See, he goes through life acting like he can do it. Showing up just enough, and giving you just enough, for you to believe in his potential, in what he’s oh so close to being.
But that’s all you get. That's all you ever get.
So whether he either disappears on his own accord, or whether you let him go because you can’t do this anymore, as much as it seems like you’ve lost HIM, the reality is all you've really lost is the dream.
You’ve lost your idea of him, your plans for the two of you, your hope of everything the two of you could have dreamed and planned together.
It doesn’t help that he’s one of the most sensitive guys you’ve ever met, or that you could talk for hours about everything or nothing, or that you never felt such a strong connection with anyone like you did with him.
Of course it was all those things and more. Because this is a man who wants to be, who thinks he can be capable of loving a woman like you. A woman who feels, who cares, who isn’t afraid to show her emotions, who isn’t afraid to be who she is.
But something happens to him when he's actually got what he thinks he wants.
He finds out he can’t live up to his part of the relationship. He finds out he can’t do and be what he thought he could. So he creates space, he pulls away, he finds every reasonable excuse to draw from to make it impossible for him to be emotionally expressive to you, all in an effort to be as normal and capable of a relationship as possible.
Just wait til you’ve got the gift of hindsight working for you. Just wait til you see that this is his loss a thousand times over!
To have a woman with values, who knows her worth, who refuses to settle for anything less than a bonafide, real relationship. This is a woman who didn’t lose anything, and certainly NEVER a real man. You may not be able to see it when it’s happening, but look back and when you realize who you are and what you’re worth, you'll see him for exactly who he never was.
That’s right. Who he never was.
I’m not saying you have no right to feel what you’re feeling, or that your pain should in any way be lessened for what it is. It feels to love, it feels to love every part of his potential. It feels to go through everything you went through because of him.
But what I'm saying is when you're looking at the bigger picture in terms of the wasted time and energy and commitment on your part, don’t view this as yet another loss or some further indication that you’re damaged goods incapable of ever finding someone who’s going to be on the same page as you.
Yes, right now it feels like a loss, but in the big picture it’s you finding out the truth. It’s you finding out the obvious truth we can never see when our hearts are lost in the emotion of someone who gives us just enough to believe in what could be.
And we all know just how good are we are at that!
So what do you do with this? How does recognizing him being gone, him leaving, you walking away (read: him not being in your life anymore) as no real loss give you the strength to carry on, to move on, to get over him and not spend any more of your time and energy on this man?
It does this by giving you a choice. One that’s all yours.
You get to choose your perspective. You can choose the one that makes you believe you could have someone done something different to try to make him come around, or you can choose the one that accepts you only had a tiny piece of him to begin with no matter what you could have done. The one that says the epic loss you're feeling isn’t really epic at all.
The one that realizes while it feels epic, it’s only because it weaves itself deep into a story you’ve been carrying with you for far too long.
The perspective that makes you see there is no loss. There is no “I’ll never get it right”. There is no, “look what I’ve done”. There’s just the truth being revealed that you couldn’t see any other way. You bet it hurts. But underneath, you’re still gold. And now you're even better, because you can see the truth.
How about you, beautiful? Been here? Going through it now? You’re in good company. Share your story in the comments below. You’ll be heard. A heart or two’s been here before.
This article is exactly what I needed. I just four months with an emotionally unavailable man. It is truly his loss, and I’m looking at it as an opportunity for me to learn and grow.
My relationship of 6 years ended a little over 2 months ago. We hit a rough patch where for a little over a year I was the only one really putting any effort into the relationship. I wanted to spend time together or connect but there always seemed to be the issue of not enough time. It came to a head during a really hard semester where I was super stressed and noticed that when I tried to lean on her for support and reassurance she pulled away. I made a mistake and raised my voice at her one night for something she had no control over and when I tried to apologize for it and make amends she completely disconnected. Before this it was clear that I was not a priority and the 6 year anniversary came up and she made no effort or attempt to do anything for it. I planned a date night and had many fun surprises ready but the night before it was spoiled when I told her I wasn't happy. I mentioned how it seemed like she made no plans or effort for the anniversary and was upset. She responded by telling me she had plans with a club at school and wanted to spend time with them instead. I emphasized having her set aside some time over that weekend that we could spend some quality time together and thought it was really important after all of the tough conversations I was trying to have with her to get through the rough patch. She told me the night of our anniversary when she had come to bed that she had plans the two days before the date we had talked about. I had no issue with this and was happy that she was going to be enjoying some time with friends. I emphasized that I thought the date night was really important and still wanted to do it and she with no emotion responded "oh yeah, thats not going to happen". I was shocked and responded to her saying that "I couldn't do this anymore" and she responded by saying that "that was my fault and my problem to figure out, not hers". This is when it dawned on me that something was seriously wrong. She proceeded to blame me for all of the relationship issues and whenever I made corrections or tried to improve in the areas she wasn't happy with it was never enough. I started therapy after I had a mental breakdown from all the stress of trying to fix the relationship, feeling unlovable and like a terrible person for all of the things she told me about myself and the ways I was hurting her. I was in therapy for a few weeks taking their advice and nothing I did mattered. I ran a load of her wash, cleaned all the dishes and the rest of the apartment, made dinners and packed lunches for ger, gave her a massage and brushed her hair (things she always liked that I used to do when we had first started dating). It didn't matter she always had a problem... the load wasn't large enough, the clothes weren't folded the way she wanted it, she said nothing about the meals or my little notes, and was irritated to have time taken out of her night for the massage and hair brushing.
I made one last attempt and planned a surprise date where I drew her a nice bubble bath and bought her favorite drinks, snacks some pizza and put on her favorite show. She initially liked this but never seemed to appreciate the effort I put in. The whole time she enjoyed the snacks and drinks all she could think about was the time she was spending. I met with my therapist after all that had happened and she simply asked "well after you did all those things for her what did she do for you" and it dawned on me she didn't do anything. She never appreciated what I did for her or how much I thought about her. All she ever did towards the end of the relationship was whatever she wanted to make herself happy. I went from a partner to a stranger living in the same apartment. I attempted to talk about my concerns and feelings of not being a priority in her life and she told me I was a covert narcassist and emotionally abusive. I reminded her that I was seeing a therapist and if she had issues with me that I could bring them up and try and work on them. She told me she thought I would never change because that's the way most narcassists and abusers are. I reminded her I was trying to work on the relationship but couldn't fix it alone and mentioned how I would be happy to fully pay for couples counseling and all she had to do was say that she was willing to work with me to get through this difficult time. She told me she'd think about it.
After a few days she once again told me I was emotionally abusive and that she did not want to work on things she wanted to end it. She then was happy to tell me that she expected me to find an apartment to move out to and that she would cover the rent for the remainder of the year we had left. We also had 3 pets we had adopted together over the years, I had thought that I would take the two cats and she would take the dog as she was closer to her. She suprised me a few days later when I tried to discuss settling the details and she told me I was not listed on any of the adoption paperwork and they were all her pets legally and I could not and would not be taking any of them with me. This broke me, it pushed me into a pit I've been trying so hard to get out of. Here was the person I had truly loved for almost 25% of my life and the lack of emotion and consideration in the slightest made me realize who I was truly living with. This was not the same person I fell in love with anymore it was a stranger in her place. I found a new apartment and started the process to move out. I owned almost all the furniture, kitchen supplies, and groceries. She cornered me when I was packing and demanded that I leave some of the furniture, the groceries and cooking supplies for her. She claimed that we had shared all of those expenses so she was entitled to half of them. I attempted to rebuttal and told her that I owned all of them and she had never paid me for the couple thousand dollars in expenses that we had agreed to split for the last two years. She told me "that for someone who claims to be nice and want to be fair that I was being cruel and unfair to her in this situation". I ended up leaving the things she wanted after feeling super nervous and cornered. I am still struggling with my identity after she said all those things about me. I know people say time heals but it's probably going to take me a really long time to get past this. I have more stuff too but I think this is already too much, lol. Thanks for reading my wall of text and I hope you are all doing well and are happier now.
Here’s my story for 2024. I met my guy in church and initially I wasn’t interested. We would talk for 30-45 minutes afterwards. He was a perfect gentleman, musician, attentive and a great conversationalist.
His birthday was coming up and I wanted to celebrate it “as friends.” We met at a very nice restaurant and had a great time. Talking to him was as easy as breathing. There was this instant connection we had that was electrifying.
January 1, 2023, we decided to see one another romantically. We talked daily and texted all throughout the day. He loved to hug and when he did it felt amazing. We both were surprised how well we connected physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So I thought.
Around the six month mark, he started to distance himself and ignoring me. Meanwhile, I wanted to know what we were and where we were going. I confronted him and asked him what was bothering him and he immediately apologized for his behavior. He proceeded to tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship due to the fact that his wife cheated on him. I then asked “are you seeing someone or have a girlfriend?” And he said “NO” emphatically. I took him at his word and didn’t mention it again.
The first time we had sex it was passionate but he didn’t last long. He claimed that never happened before.
Throughout the summer there were instances where he could have invited me but he never did. Concerts, birthday celebration for his daughter. He went to Florida for Christmas December of ‘22 he told me it was he and his daughter. In July of ‘23 he went to Florida claiming “he needed to clear his head.”
December’23 rolls around again and we’re sitting in a nice restaurant enjoying great food. I booked a room nearby and that was the first time he spent the night. Sex again was passionate but we only did it once. We had been drinking so we talked until he fell asleep. I snuggled up under him most of the night and he moved only once.
January ‘24 is here and I found out on January 7th that he has a girlfriend and has had one for 2 1/2 years. I was shocked!
My girlfriend said she saw a girl’s profile picture on Facebook date came up and my friend’s picture (she was unaware we were seeing one another) was all over her profile with the caption “I’m not looking for a man I got a man but I’m looking for someone to play with and my man might be interested!
I was like “say what?” Come to find out, they are in an open relationship.
I went to his Facebook page and no relationship status or pictures of her. I’m not on social media so he felt safe to approach me and take advantage of me.
I’ve given him all I have including my love and I have nothing left to give. I haven’t confronted him yet but I’m thinking to just leave him alone.
Now I’ll have to ask a potential boyfriend “are you into open relationships, or polygamous relationships? And “when was the last time you’ve seen a therapist?” Humans are crazy and selfish! What has this world come to?
I’m deeply hurt and angry. I don’t want another relationship! He played with my heart and risked my health!
Hi, I’m reading your article in the UK and it was as if you had lived my life!
I met a guy on a dating app who wasn’t physically my type seemed genuinely kind, caring and fun. We started dating and within weeks he had put me on a pedestal because I’m intelligent, a good runner, artistic, good at foreign languages and more (I found this slightly unnerving to be honest). A few months later he said he wanted me to sell my house and buy another that he could move into with me. I considered this and a year down the line I sold up. I then moved into his place with only some clothes and my dog, having put all my furniture and possessions in storage.
I found a new build house in an area I wasn’t familiar with but it seemed a nice small town. The house fitted everything he said he wanted: bigger than his current place, better area, convenient for him to access his mum and son, and easy for work. I had just got a new job too, so it would be easy for me to reach my office. By this time, we had been together for 2 years.
As soon as the purchase completed and we moved in, he insisted I get rid of all my furniture, crockery etc. and buy new. As I had paid for the house I said he should be buying it not me. He bought stuff that he liked and completely filled the house with his things from his old house. I felt totally pushed out and as if I was still living with him, not the other way round. Consequently, I never really settled in this house as it didn’t feel like my home.
We started to go round in a cycle about every 3 months where I would feel so lonely, excluded, unloved and rejected that I would go no contact for a couple of days until he bothered to come and speak to me. I would then explain how his behaviour was affecting me and things would improve for a week or 2, then I would start to feel him ebbing away again. I felt like we were just two people living in the same house who ate together, watched and went out occasionally, but all the ‘Cs’ we’re missing: No communication-he talked a lot but never about anything meaningful. No closeness-he was cold and distant, almost aloof. No compassion-he would mock people with disabilities for example. He was there, but not present, so I sat him down and explained how I felt. His response was,”we go out and I tell you I love you most days.” It was frustrating trying to get him to understand it was his lack of presence and empathy that made me feel how I did. Instead, he made me feel like I had some kind of mental problem.
Last year, he asked what I’d like for my birthday and I said I’d like him to buy a house with me. Initially, he offered an input of 10k, which is laughable considering he is living in my 400k place! Eventually he agreed to put in 100k which would be under a third, but I agreed and we found a place being built. As he knew the builder we were able to bespoke it as it was being built, all of which was at a cost. Although we both signed up, it was always le paying the builder. Anyway, 15 months later when the house was ready to exchange, he said he couldn’t do it!!!!!! Consequently, now having been together for over 4 years, I finished with him and asked him to leave as he was never going to commit to me. I’ve asked him to be out by the end of this month and, although he agreed verbally to pay half of what I spent on the new house, I doubt I will ever see it. I’ve also found out he is already on a dating website after only splitting up a few weeks ago, while I am in turmoil trying to get my head around why he did this to me.
Sorry it’s such a long post!
You won't see it but you have your dignity and your dog and you will never ever go through anything like this again. I feel for you, Sharan. From the bottom of my heart, I feel you. I'm just glad you're done so he can't do anymore damage than he's already done.
Hi, I have read this article and all of the comments in its entirety and I wanted to share my story. I have came to the conclusion that I fell for an emotionally unavailable man. I was in 2 long-lasting relationships before I met this man. I haven’t been single in 10 years and then when I left my most recent ex, I felt lost. My friends convinced me to try a dating app just to kind of get my mind off of things and get attention from people. They encouraged me to keep everything light and not serious, as I was definitely not ready for any long term relationship. One of the first matches I came in contact with on the dating app was this man who I found very attractive. We had similar music tastes, he was older than me which I found intriguing, and he was tall. I immediately was attracted to him and then once we started talking, it was even better. I felt like he was the male version of me, we would joke around and match each others energy so well. It felt like an instant connection. I instantly swooned over him. We started texting and had phone calls pretty much every night and he said he couldn’t get enough of me. He told me that he wanted me to come to his summer work outing and even planned on having me go to his work Christmas party. We planned on going to a concert together in the summer and also talked about apple picking in the fall. He said he told his coworkers about me and how his friends told him that he was glowing. I went to go see him in person for the first time and spent 29 hours together. Everything just felt so perfect and I was seriously feeling love. He told me he loved me and never felt like this before, and he was so happy to be feeling it with me. He said I was the one for him and he asked me to be his girlfriend after seeing him in person twice. I felt everything was too good to be true, but heck, I deserve something good to happen to me in my life right? So I went along with it. He met my parents and my family because he said how much he wanted to be in my life and I just everything happen. All of a sudden I felt him pulling away. I would text him and he wouldn’t respond for 5+ hours because work was so busy. He claimed his life is really busy, he’s exhausted, falls asleep at 8pm, etc. I wanted to believe him and trust that everything was fine and that work was just really stressful. I had asked him a couple of times if everything was okay between us because I felt he has been distant and not wanting to talk on the phone. He told me we are on the same page, nothing was off, and that he was just really stressed with work is all. I believed him. But I was absolutely an anxious mess because it still didn’t feel right. I would have my phone attached to me waiting for his reply. I asked to see him and he said he wasn’t feeling well. Only to find out he went out with his coworker to watch playoff basketball games. I would call him and he wouldn’t answer and would text me the next morning saying that he fell asleep. Nothing made sense! He was the one obsessed with me, wanted to pursue me and made all of these plans with me and then all of a sudden it stops. He finally sent me this long long text explaining that I was a wonderful amazing person and the sweetest girl he has ever met, but at this time he can’t give me what I deserve in a relationship. He told me he absolutely adores me but doesn’t want to tell me things just to string me along and make me feel at peace. He left the door open to if I’m ever in the area to reach out and we can catch up over drinks, and I am just left absolutely heartbroken. What does he mean when he says he can’t give me what I deserve at this time? He said he thought he was ready for a relationship but he realized he wasn’t. He said try not to be sad, and take this short relationship as a stepping stone to find someone that will be able to provide me the love I deserve. Everything hurts because why would he ask me to be his girlfriend and say he’s never felt this way before to just end it so abruptly? His mom passed away a year ago and I can’t help but think maybe that is contributing to his emotional trauma. I wanted to be there for him and give him the love HE deserves, but he shut me out. I’m left exhausted from my anxiety I have felt these past weeks but I’m also traumatized. I believed everything he said and now I’m just heartbroken.
I’m 7 weeks in of no contact. Here’s my story
Bumped into this guy Feb 2020 whom I knew vaguely from work. He asked me for a drink. I said yes but was really not bothered. Then Covid hit so we never made the pub. How ever. Over the next 20 months he continued to message now and then and kept asking me for that drink. Would wish me happy valentines, happy birthday, would message me from abroad (he goes abroad a lot as allowed to work anywhere he goes - goes to Spain lots as his friend/work colleague now lives there)
Eventually Sept 2021 I agree to a drink. He says he was so happy as had liked me for years (first met in 2016 but never saw him. Just friends on FB) We meet October. I just fell for him like that!!! By the third date I asked him to be my boyfriend. He says yes. But as he was off to Spain for 16 days did not want to sleep with me for first time then have to leave. I was like. Wow! A gent. (Had been told he was a player but he says that was an image he liked to give off ) hmmm first red flag. First time we were intimate was NYE. It was perfect. Like we’d known each that way for a while. I just could not keep my hands off him after that. Never felt like that before but I just absolutely fancied him terribly
But, my gosh, this man can take things totally wrong and sulk!! We would be ok for 2 months or so then bam!! He would ghost me for days. Like a form of punishment.
I always had to reach out. I only say him say 6 times a month and he thought that was a lot!! He would expect me to feel grateful for his time, that after we made plans he was saying no to others, like I should be grateful. He never complimented me. Never said I looked nice or smelt nice. I would always compliment him. I would make all the plans, instigate sex. The weird thing was, he was very ‘loving’ with hugs and kisses. Hugs at night. Holding hands etc. the sex was good although I noticed he very rarely spent time on just me. I was shy at first but he rarely made an effort.
He went away a lot with friends including women. I got 2 half days of his leave in a whole year!!
I told him I was in love with him after 6 months. He said he was happy but never said anything about how he felt. He admitted he liked hearing it. Admitted he had no empathy. Was selfish (cos ex girlfriends had told him so) but wanted to change and wanted us to last
I have never felt so unsure, anxious or nervous before in a relationship- I was on eggshells forever wanting assurance but never getting it.
He would not introduce me to his friends. He would not even mention me. They would meet up in their couples but he went alone. I made a comment on his Facebook profile picture once (as did other females) but he deleted my comment. Said his private like was private!
He had a really weird relationship with his own son he he brought up from age 7 (he’s now 24). Does not speak to his brothers.
We split up a week before Christmas because he refused to get a taxi home at half past midnight - I had heels. No argument was had - just didn’t understand it. Told me to the lock the door and not wait up. Ignored my calls. I left a voice message saying he was a wanker and we were done. We were both drunk - I know I meant it as had enough of his behaviour but I regretted it next day and I was like ‘normal couples argue’ it’s no big deal. We can just talk and get past it.
Next day I was blocked on Facebook. Messaged him over several days. Ignored me. Wished him merry Christmas on Christmas Day. Ignored me. So I asked him if I was wasting my time reaching out or did he need more time. I got back ‘sorry you’re wasting your time’. He knew this would destroy me and my day with family. We had made several plans including a trip to Spain mid January. It was like he enjoyed getting my grovelling messages that week. He did not care. He had closed himself off now and admitted he is capable of doing just that. I realised too that I was never a priority to him. He knew when I was child free but unless I got in there first, he would happily make arrangements with friends. Would never put me first. So many other things I could mention. I never heard of ‘cold hearted’ or emotionally unavailable til we split up. I’m gutted. I had been single for 9 years before that. Opened myself up, made myself vulnerable. Invested my time and my heart. But know he will always be like that. And yes, does not have a great history for long term relationships!
And that's why we go through this, Michelle. So we can finally say with full confidence after we've tried everything - I know he will always be like that. Feeling you. The most important lessons are the absolute hardest to go through and I feel for you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m crying right now writing this. About 3 days ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months. He was definitely emotionally unavailable and avoidant. It hurts so much because I’m the beginning it was like this. We would text all the time and talk. Go in dates and spend so much time together. When I first noticed a problem I tried to express how I felt and he was not having it. He didn’t want to know. I let it go and than I noticed the pulling away but he never wanted to let go. He wanted to be in a relationship with me. He didn’t want to break up. But I couldn’t get a connection. And than finally a couple days ago we got into an argument and I said “my feelings matter and their valid” and he said “I’m not a therapist go do that with someone else” so I ended it. It hurts so much. I sent him a text the next day saying “ I’m here if you ever need anything, I still care that doesn’t just go away.” He text me back with “I don’t know what to say except thanks and hope you the best.” I also responded with “ I wish you the best too” it hurts so much that he didn’t even fight for me or us. He was so angry when I broke it off. We havnt talked since. And I will not reach out because I do know my worth but why does it feel like I made a mistake?
Oh Angie my heart goes out to you. Of course it feels like you made a mistake. You didn't want to lose him, you only wanted him to make your pain go away!
I’m 7 weeks out from a breakup with a man I was sure was my “one”. It took us 10 years to get to a place where we were on the same page for a relationship and were together for 2 years. I started a conversation that ended with him telling me that we were over because I “deserved someone who could love me like I should be loved”. I was and still am devastated. I’ve begged him to try to work things out and he says he “loves me enough not to try”. I’m going through all the accepted steps to try to move on-deleted years of texts, moved photos off my phone etc. I still think of him daily and wonder how we got here, this place of being strangers with memories. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone this deeply and yes, I’m mourning the life I thought we were going to have.
He is one of the most stubborn men(with lots of emotional baggage) I’ve ever met and going back through texts etc I see that I had been lobbying him for years before I finally got him but he’s always had one foot in and one foot out. He does truly love me but he’s never let himself be all in and that resulted in me never feeling confident or reassured about his love-my anxiety was off the charts the whole time we were together. All that said, I still regret rocking the boat and starting the breakup even though my logical mind knows it would have happened eventually but my broken heart constantly fantasizes that maybe with more time I could have gotten him to let me in and we could have had the happily ever after that I dreamed of with him.
Never, Angela. That was never going to happen. I've been right where you are regretting saying ANYTHING and I've coached thousands of women who've been in your exact place too. Regrets may make it easier to feel in control of something when everything feels so out of your hands but this one was never ever going to be up to you!
Hi There
I’ve been in love with my husband since we were teenagers.... over 30 years - We have have 3 adult sons and now they’ve left the nest and things are quieter I have time to yearn for the depth of relationship I deserve and grieve for the fact I don’t have it.
I guess I’ve worn the pants in the relationship. I am a professional and he is a tradie.
He’s funny & a great cook so from the outside seems the perfect partner.
When I insist he helps but doesn’t take initiative just does what suits him
But in truth it’s so shallow - I want to be able to share my ups and downs - I have my own business and am passionate about helping business owners understand their financial information so they have the power to make good profits....
The only way I can get close is by watching TV with him. He makes delicious meals but rarely agrees to sit at the table to enjoy the meal together - preferring to be with the tv.
I’ve always thought being in relationship meant looking out into the future together .... but it seems impossible
We had to sell the family home last year - we have some money left to start again.
I have stoped doing house stuff alone - we should be sharing it all now - making decisions together
But the mail piles up unopened
The garden were we are renting continues to get overgrown
His washing never gets put away into cupboards and draws
He goes to the club and drinks with the fellas (this uses about half his pay)... in fact he is there now when he should be isolating because I have Covid ...
Don’t get me wrong - he routinely brings cups of tea and has made diner the past 4 nights - he’s happy
BUT what frustrates me most is whenever there is time available he just watches TV...... my life has a to do list that is miles long - much of which he could help with BUT to get him to do anything I have to spell it out
Again to the outside - it all looks great - I’m kind and tolerant & I I do love him
He doesn’t yell or hit or belittle and he does love me in a childish kind of way
Sex is good when it happens.
Mind you he won’t visit his mum in the nursing home, help me to reframe our finances, clean his car, put away the CD’s since we moved etc
But I keep growing as a person and a soul
My therapist helped me to realize that my mum was a narcissist and I’d been pretty much set up to serve everyone before myself...
I recognize no that it’s in what isn’t there at home that holds me back
I don’t even think I want someone else but I need to be able to plan the next 30 years without constantly trying to get engagement/ approval
He’s also the kinda guy that “has a problem for every solution I come up with” eg no I couldn’t live there it’s too far from work
So with all this in mind would it be wrong to plan to go our separate ways now? I worry about breaking up the family ... but I think I have raised my sons well enough that they would cope & maybe understand.
I look forward to your opinion on whether I am just ungrateful and overthinking this whole thing
Thank you so much for reading this 🙏🏻
Not ungrateful and overthinking the whole thing. Lonely and alone in something that was supposed to be something else. Narcissistic moms and the resulting servicing of everyone else's needs is promised to be rewarding when the only place it ever eventually leads is where you've found yourself or worse. I recently addressed this at length in answering one of your questions on my YouTube livestreams and I also talk about it at least a couple times a day on one of my calls. Your sons would more than understand, your husband would be shocked,and you would be so free. But before you go there, there's something else. The ability to change the dynamic of this relationship without directly changing him. From what I've seen, I have a feeling he's feeling dead inside too. Going through the motions, numb to changing anything, and dug into his only known ways to live out every predictable day. Start with seeing him for who he is and who he most certainly isn't and accept that. There's a story there that needs to change before anything else can. Then look at you. With every new discovery and revelation you grow and leave him further behind. He actually would love to catch up a little bit but it's easier to do what he's doing than admit how scared he is underneath. I've met him and you a thousand times and counting in every corner of the world. It's a shift in all that heavy conditioning that begins to change this and give you both a new life, and your therapist sounds like a great start, but it ultimately comes from the most magical place of all - within who you already have always been.
I have been with a emotionally unavailable man on & off for 12 years and he recently ended it saying he never wants to see me again as we had a one off argument after consuming alcohol . I was unaware I lost part of my self control and said something that came out the wrong way and made him uncomfortable. ( my feelings) I know I suppressed them deep inside of me as when I tried to talk to him he’d get defensive so I said nothing except emphasised and tried to understand him . He said he did not want any real commitment but was comitted but uncommitted !?? ! we spent every sat together . Did activities , trips away & lots of adventures on our bikes too . I initiated most of the time to do things . I felt we had something good together . He agreed too and I held on . He was smart , handsome , generous , caring , thoughtful considerate , A nice guy the perfect partner . Now I’m hurting but know I need to let go .
I'm sorry you are hurting. It's hard, I know. As I read your post, it sounds like he was happy to enjoy your company without a commitment. I was with a man off and on for 4 years and finally realized he was happy with our "situation-ship" but not an intimate relationship like I wanted. I know that now. I remember the eggshells I walked on to never talk about feelings with him. It was awful. Your guy did not want a commitment and to be honest you will be sooooo much better without him. You deserve more than being strung along and used at his convenience. You will feel crappy for awhile but I promise you that in one year you will see him more clearly as someone incapable of meeting your emotional needs. It's not you. It's him. Let him go. He wasn't all that...couldn't even show up to initiate activites with you. Do you really think he was perfect for you? Be honest with yourself when answering that. You are worthy of being loved by someone who is capable of a committed relationship. And that was not him. I say all this having walked on your path. Hugs to you as you make your way to healing and someone good enough for you.
Thankyou for your support .
I hope I do heal in time . 🙏
I’m hurting and don’t feel good in myself at all though I’m trying to stay in the present & meditating . Its just very hard 12 years along time and I’m trying not to blame myself .
You did have something together, Cat, but if this is only as far along as you were after 12 years on and off - that it could end like this - there's been something wrong for a long, long time. I know it hurts, but I also know that going another year like this with someone you've always had to suppress your feelings with hurts an awful lot too. Choose your hurt. One has an end.
My husband is a narcissist. He recoginizes it. Through our relationship I felt like I was with 2 people at times. I loved one half more than I could ever express.
I just want to know who is helping me, and why. I feel my husband through "messages", it makes me more upset not knowing which memory is which.
If this isn't caring, I don't know what is.
My relationship of 6 years ended a little over 2 months ago. We hit a rough patch where for a little over a year I was the only one really putting any effort into the relationship. I wanted to spend time together or connect but there always seemed to be the issue of not enough time. It came to a head during a really hard semester where I was super stressed and noticed that when I tried to lean on her for support and reassurance she pulled away. I made a mistake and raised my voice at her one night for something she had no control over and when I tried to apologize for it and make amends she completely disconnected. Before this it was clear that I was not a priority and the 6 year anniversary came up and she made no effort or attempt to do anything for it. I planned a date night and had many fun surprises ready but the night before it was spoiled when I told her I wasn't happy. I mentioned how it seemed like she made no plans or effort for the anniversary and was upset. She responded by telling me she had plans with a club at school and wanted to spend time with them instead. I emphasized having her set aside some time over that weekend that we could spend some quality time together and thought it was really important after all of the tough conversations I was trying to have with her to get through the rough patch. She told me the night of our anniversary when she had come to bed that she had plans the two days before the date we had talked about. I had no issue with this and was happy that she was going to be enjoying some time with friends. I emphasized that I thought the date night was really important and still wanted to do it and she with no emotion responded "oh yeah, thats not going to happen". I was shocked and responded to her saying that "I couldn't do this anymore" and she responded by saying that "that was my fault and my problem to figure out, not hers". This is when it dawned on me that something was seriously wrong. She proceeded to blame me for all of the relationship issues and whenever I made corrections or tried to improve in the areas she wasn't happy with it was never enough. I started therapy after I had a mental breakdown from all the stress of trying to fix the relationship, feeling unlovable and like a terrible person for all of the things she told me about myself and the ways I was hurting her. I was in therapy for a few weeks taking their advice and nothing I did mattered. I ran a load of her wash, cleaned all the dishes and the rest of the apartment, made dinners and packed lunches for ger, gave her a massage and brushed her hair (things she always liked that I used to do when we had first started dating). It didn't matter she always had a problem... the load wasn't large enough, the clothes weren't folded the way she wanted it, she said nothing about the meals or my little notes, and was irritated to have time taken out of her night for the massage and hair brushing.
I made one last attempt and planned a surprise date where I drew her a nice bubble bath and bought her favorite drinks, snacks some pizza and put on her favorite show. She initially liked this but never seemed to appreciate the effort I put in. The whole time she enjoyed the snacks and drinks all she could think about was the time she was spending. I met with my therapist after all that had happened and she simply asked "well after you did all those things for her what did she do for you" and it dawned on me she didn't do anything. She never appreciated what I did for her or how much I thought about her. All she ever did towards the end of the relationship was whatever she wanted to make herself happy. I went from a partner to a stranger living in the same apartment. I attempted to talk about my concerns and feelings of not being a priority in her life and she told me I was a covert narcassist and emotionally abusive. I reminded her that I was seeing a therapist and if she had issues with me that I could bring them up and try and work on them. She told me she thought I would never change because that's the way most narcassists and abusers are. I reminded her I was trying to work on the relationship but couldn't fix it alone and mentioned how I would be happy to fully pay for couples counseling and all she had to do was say that she was willing to work with me to get through this difficult time. She told me she'd think about it.
After a few days she once again told me I was emotionally abusive and that she did not want to work on things she wanted to end it. She then was happy to tell me that she expected me to find an apartment to move out to and that she would cover the rent for the remainder of the year we had left. We also had 3 pets we had adopted together over the years, I had thought that I would take the two cats and she would take the dog as she was closer to her. She suprised me a few days later when I tried to discuss settling the details and she told me I was not listed on any of the adoption paperwork and they were all her pets legally and I could not and would not be taking any of them with me. This broke me, it pushed me into a pit I've been trying so hard to get out of. Here was the person I had truly loved for almost 25% of my life and the lack of emotion and consideration in the slightest made me realize who I was truly living with. This was not the same person I fell in love with anymore it was a stranger in her place. I found a new apartment and started the process to move out. I owned almost all the furniture, kitchen supplies, and groceries. She cornered me when I was packing and demanded that I leave some of the furniture, the groceries and cooking supplies for her. She claimed that we had shared all of those expenses so she was entitled to half of them. I attempted to rebuttal and told her that I owned all of them and she had never paid me for the couple thousand dollars in expenses that we had agreed to split for the last two years. She told me "that for someone who claims to be nice and want to be fair that I was being cruel and unfair to her in this situation". I ended up leaving the things she wanted after feeling super nervous and cornered. I am still struggling with my identity after she said all those things about me. I know people say time heals but it's probably going to take me a really long time to get past this. I have more stuff too but I think this is already too much, lol. Thanks for reading my wall of text and I hope you are all doing well and are happier now.
Thank you for the article and this forum...it brings some solace to know I'm not alone.
I think I dated an EU man. We met at a work event in his state right before the COVID shutdowns and he started to pursue me after we exchanged a few "how's COVID for you texts". I live 6 hours away and he invited me to come stay so we could see if we were a good fit. I told him I was not interested in a fling and he felt the same. Before we even met though, he was saying things like: I'm ready for a relationship with you, or, I think if we were together, things wouldn't always be perfect, but we would figure out ways to work and grow together. He related excitedly how happy he was to have found me and how he had told many of his close friends and surrogate family that we were talking. He was older than me by about 15 years and I'm in my forties. It was such a breath of fresh air to talk with a man who seemed to have it together emotionally as well as in his life. He is a life coach and motivational speaker so he thinks about psychology, personality and so on and I thought there could be a future possibly, he would be a person who had done the work on himself to function well in a relationship. How naive I was.
We met initially for 10 days and had a really wonderful time. He confided in me about how he had cut off his family for treating him badly as a very young man as well as the fact that his last relationship had been very distressing, as she had been a narcissist. He tended to be very self-sufficent as a person because he'd had no family and seemed to use intense work to avoid examining his past and feelings. I did remark on the fact that some of his relationships had ended in bitterness and being cut off completely, but ignored it because he has such a magnetic personality, and is prolific and an expert at so many things - building houses, various sports, logging in the forest, working on a repairing cars...you name it and he had spent years doing it and becoming good at it. We bonded over that as I love learning new things and being that way too. The sex was amazing. He seemed like the most well-rounded and "together" partner I'd ever had. He didn't want me to leave but we decided it was best to go off on our own and have a think about how we felt. About a week after were the first sign that there was trouble. I asked whether he wanted to try to meet again...and he said he wasn't sure, he was feeling like he had a lot on his mind because of his still present anger about his ex, and he had been feeling physically badly - lots of headaches...we wondered if he had COVID. I backed off though we still kept talking and there was a lot of intense phone sex. he said he'd never been able to talk as openly about his sexual desires. I too felt very satisfied because other partners I've been with have held back in that was or been nervous and hesitant about exploring those aspects.
After 2 months of this, he seemed receptive to meeting again and I went to visit him...we quickly fell into a domestic routine. It seemed like we loved being together. he was affectionate, thoughtful and loving. When we'd have a disagreement, which was not often, we'd talk things out. He started to call me his girlfriend when he introduced me. I went home for a month and then returned for another two months and then the same another time. So I'd say we spent about 6 months in close proximity living together and really enjoyed the relationship. When I left in December of 2020...he said I've always wanted to find someone like you. That sounded pretty darn positive to me.
Things started to turn in the middle of January this year. I felt him begin to withdraw affection when we talked on the phone and he stopped being interested in sex. When we talked about it all, he said he had been having doubts about being in a relationship..he was not feeling good about himself (COVID had really dealt a big blow to his main business) and he felt that our age difference was problematic - that I was beautiful and successful and that when he would be older, I would still be so, and that he was afraid I would leave him for someone younger. He was also still unable to get over his anger about his ex and he said it made him unable to be present with me. It was very hard to feel him withdraw and of course I tried to hold on... I also gave him an out and asked if he wanted to break up but he said no. Things continued in this vein until I went to visit in March and April...there was a practical reason I had to be there a few months, and he was glad to have me visit. But his manner was completely changed. He wouldn't touch me at all. He said that since he wasn't sure he wanted a relationship, he didn't want to have sex because that might lead me on. It was a matter of "integrity". On the other hand, he thought nothing of us sleeping in the same bed, sharing a life as we had before, and he still seemed to like spending time with me. I told him I didn't share a bed (even just to sleep) with a person I was not wanting to be with. It was very hurtful that he would not show any affection and once, frustrated, I asked him to not be a coward and break up if he did not want a relationship, but he wouldn't. I left at the end of April as I couldn't take his manner anymore. After that, he wanted to keep in close contact just as before - we would talk several times a day - but he would still say - I am not sure I want to be in a relationship. I kept going with this for a few months more till it was simply intolerable. So much hurt. I told him I couldn't help feeling attached to him when we kept in close contact and if that bothered him (he would always seem upset if I acted in relationship ways) then we should talk less. So I stopped calling him, but he would still call. Finally, it got on my nerves enough that I asked him to stop calling altogether for some time because I needed time to get over the relationship. After that he turned cold. We had one last conversation where there was a big dust up - he thought I had tried to do something nasty to him, and he seems to despise me now and has not responded to any messages I've sent.
I have been struggling to make sense of it all. How it went from a feeling of such strong love to absolute hatred. But also I struggle with giving myself a hard time - that I did not recognize earlier that he was perhaps EU and by staying and waiting for him to come around I was just putting myself through more torture.
I feel very distrustful of men now...something I have never felt before. I am very hesitant to date again ...it saddens me as I am only in my forties, and would love a partner that I feel safe with, desired by and who feels ready to build a life together...but I feel like most people do not know what they want. And I never want to get hurt like this again. My ex was also a remarkable person in other ways and I feel hopeless that I'll find someone like that who is also emotionally open.
Glad it helped, Sylvie. No, you're not alone! And this flip, from the intensity of "such a strong love to absolute hatred" is how you can recognize the dysfunctional dynamic even if he was a remarkable person in other ways. He doesn't hold the patent on remarkable men!
Argh. I'm so sorry. He's damaged. I recently had a similar relationship - had never felt so close. We had fun, good sex, shared everything emotionally (it seemed) but then... Exactly the same thing. Basically he was playing at being in a relationship. Had been very hurt by his ex-wife (and had other childhood issues). He was very good at seeming to be engaged, but on a deeper level he wasn't. He started to seem blank and distant and ultimately really hurt me (said he saw me as a "good friend", we had a very active non-friends sex life and had shared all sorts of emotional things.
Basically, the fear of attachment kicks in when someone might start to develop real feelings (guys like this are often pretty good at pretend feelings). Also, your chap's backstory worries me. He cut off his family. This is an extreme move, I'm not saying some normal people don't do it, but to not get in contact again / forgive when older seems strange to me. Also that his wife was "a narcissist" is worrying. She's painted black here. Most failed marriages fail because of problems with both parties. His behaviour is actually quite narcissistic, particularly him thinking you had done something you haven't. That's the story he'll tell other people...
Be very wary of someone that pursues very strongly, it's flattering but also often a red flag. I mean he doesn't know you, it's extreme idealisation. It's a pattern of both narcissists and avoidantly attached people. Sadly, I've attracted a few people like this recently, am also very wary.
Hi there - I'm sorry you went through a similar thing. It's so painful. I know that I need to work on myself to recognize and get out of these situations earlier, but it doesn't make it less painful now.
The thing about my guy's actions are too, that I can't help but question myself. Eg, the thing he got mad about was something I posted on social media that he though was directed at him, but wasn't. So it could be an honest mistake, you know. And from his telling, his family did treat him badly. Similarly, his ex (gf, not wife, he has never been married), by his telling also was not honest, fought, cheated, etc etc... The whole thing feels like shifting sands that are hard to make sense of, but I know the truth is, the only way forward is to move on... and give up on the dream of who that person was.
What you say is a key thing to understand - they are playing at being in a relationship. They make the motions, and we take it at face value, not knowing that people can say and do those things in the moment, without any implication for what it means for the future. It is an awful thing to go through and leaves one overcautious and unavailable in turn to others.
It is very shaking experience you had. Something one cannot predict. Nobody is teaching us at schools or wherever that people like that exist and you could not protect yourself. He was very bad experience but please don't give up. When you ready, keep dating. My UE, like your was very charismatic ,knowledgeable etc. Just at his age he has.been unsuccessful in relationships. As a result of his promiscuity he infected me with few STDs including hiv of which he apparently found out when I did tests.
You need a bit of a time but you will be fine. And you didn't waste too much time on him even if it may feel that few.more month you were trying to keep going.
I am in my 40s too. Lots of good.men there too.
Thank you Marta, I appreciate your encouragement and kind words, it is helpful. I am giving myself unlimited time, and caring for myself. I hope like you say that it will be fine. For the first time I also feel I will be fine even alone. I can do many things for myself and don’t feel the need to rely on a relationship.
I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through - how careless and disrespectful of that man. I hope you also find healing and happiness, it sounds like you have overcome a lot.
I previously commented on here as I’d had a toxic 3 months with a newly separated man; someone with all the red flags I chose to ignore! I now seem to find myself in a situation with a different type of emotionally unavailable man, the late 40s Singleton, and it’s breaking my heart...
He started life as a dating app coffee date, but became a friend during covid. The red flag here was he didn’t ask me out for a second date! Roll on 18 months and he suggested we should have another date. We have now ‘dated’ for two months and every time we get emotionally closer he disappears for a few days. He has just done it for the fourth time and this cuts deeper as we had just become physically intimate.
Now I need to decide do I just walk away and go no contact. So hard as we get on so well and each time we meet we get closer... but I can’t keep on with this hot and cold contact. His relationship history suggests a lack of commitment and emotional availability. I have suggested he has therapy when I finally broached the subject. Just feeling confused and disappointed yet again... I thought as we had a basis of friendship, this time it may be different.
He'll never be more than a friend from the sound of his pattern, Caroline. If you've got the stomach for it, accept him as a friend without any expectation for more and you can keep what you've got. If you can't, don't pretend you can. Learned this the hardest way possible - doesn't have to be another go-around for you!
Dated an UE man for about a year.
He was a cop. When we started dating he said his last relationship was 3 months ago. But it was 3 weeks prior which came to light 2 months in.
His last girlfriend of 3 years cheated on him so I was dealing with a lot of self hatred on his end. Every time he would drink he would sulk on past mistakes, shortcomings etc.
I would express how this made me feel. Was my presence in his life not meaningful? I suggested ending it a few times.. early on. On top of that he always seemed in another world. Never present with me. I’d be talking and he’d cut me off, I’d be talking and he’d watch the TV.
We would go out with friends qnd he’d barely acknowledge me in any way. He blamed his ADD on this. Sure maybe.
His negativity continued in all aspects. He hated commuting to me, he let me know it. He hated how “fun” my girlfriends were cause they couldn’t of respected themselves if they were so free.. hmm another red flag.
He talked about marriage and kids after 4 months together and I guess I entertained it. But again, In moments he’d express not liking who he was or his life. I was exhausted often.
Mind you I’m a social worker, also pursuing my masters and I was transitioning to being an Assistant Principal. I just needed someone to be there for me? I always felt like “what about me?”
But we spent most of our days talking about him, no curiosity on my life, upbringing, my trauma.
I bickered with him a lot on it. I pushed him a lot on it. Ya know having empathy? Having a curios mind when it came to me? He just never did. He was so wrapped up in his own shit I was invisible.
On top of that he’d tell white lies. Yeah I’ll be home at 11, gets home at 12.:30 without even saying anything. Yeah I worked a little later but really he stopped for food ? Yeah I went to therapy but really the therapist had cancelled. He could never be honest about even small things let alone how he felt.
Finally, stupidly we were discussing moving in as we thought the hour commute was draining us. So this could help? I was looking at apartments all in my own. I was frustrated of course. Do you want this? Why am I the only one searching lol more bickering from me
The day after we put $500 non refundable he starts pulling away. Being distant. He changes his mind.
I lost it. I completely blew up. Verbally ripped him apart and we broke up.
He said that we fought way too much and therefore living together just wasn’t going to be right.
The amount of gaslighting, inconsistency, lack of effort? Really fucked my self esteem. My issues were secondary to him. My feelings were seen as nags.
I want someone who looks at me and wants to be present
I want someone who looks at me and thinks their life is better because I’m there
I want someone who looks at me and isn’t afraid to tell me how much I mean to them.
Write down those last three lines on a big piece of paper where you can see them every day, Theresa. Your feelings aren't nags and who you are is a beautiful thing regardless of whether someone is capable of seeing you or not!
I just broke up with an EU man, after a year of dating. It was my longest relationship, though now I’m having trouble calling the experience a relationship. It wasn’t, and was more like a situationship. We met last summer, and I felt that we connected instantly because we had similar energies and values. He was attractive, charming, an excellent conversationalist, and so funny. We also had very similar ideas on what we did not want a relationship to look like. I had a lot of experiences where men treated me so casually and expressed I didn’t want that. He wanted to move slow and I was honestly into it. I was used to experiences that went from 0-100, and then ended just as quickly as they began. I felt this was a nice change. Still, something felt off in that he appeared aloof but assured me that he is not the type of person to continue dating someone, if not into them. Still, something felt off. He would cancel some dates, some at the last minute. I didn’t appreciate this, especially with the amount of time I put in to get ready. He had mentioned to me that he likes that I put makeup on before seeing him and he questions if women are into him if they don’t (red flag: kinda sexist). So that was frustrating.
The relationship wasn’t really developing. We barely saw each other, even though we lived 10 min away from each other. We did a lot of quarantining from each other, due to the pandemic. I convinced myself that was the problem, was that we were dating during a weird time.
But even after we were both vaccinated, we were seeing each other on average 2 times per month, for a few hours each visit. I noticed after we would see each other, which he referred to as “hanging out”, he would take a lot of space from me and not talk to me much. And I still didn’t know where he was at with me. The thing is, he did great at talking to me about his feelings, in general, just not his feelings toward me or about me. I would say things like “you add a lot of happiness to my life”. His response, “that’s so sweet. Thank you”. Never had anything to say about what I add to his.
I wanted to bring up my feelings and concerns, but put it off. Part of it was avoidance, part of it was concern about the amount of stress he was under at the time (violence in his neighborhood, shooting in his building, work stress, searching for housing, and buying a super expensive condo). I put my needs aside, gave him space, supported him, and always went to his place to see him, despite not feeling safe in his neighborhood, and despite how much it cost to Uber there. He didn’t have the money to Uber to me, and insisted that he would start coming to my place more in the Fall, when he was more financially stable.
We were together for just about a year at this point. He was settled into his condo, and I still didn’t know where things were at. I still hadn’t met anyone in his life yet, he didn’t share his feelings towards me. He did ask me if I was into him, and expressed anxiety around that. I gave him a list about 50 qualities I adored about him. His response, “I appreciate that, thank you so much”.
Then, more red flags appeared. He didn’t want his neighbors seeing him kiss me, out of fear they would “gossip” about him. He, out of no where, talked about planning to live out of state to go to grad school (yes, one month after moving into his expensive condo, he’s making actual plans to leave in a few months). He also didn’t do a thing for me for my birthday. He asked if I wanted anything, in a way that insinuated he was hoping I’d say no. I said I did and told him what a wanted, a gift card. His response, “okay because I’m more like you don’t get me anything for my birthday and I don’t get anything for your birthday.” How incredibly low effort and self-centered.
I wait red until after my birthday to bring up all my concerns. I expressed my feelings and asked him if he’s emotionally available enough for a relationship. Ultimately, he said no, and he’s not planning on changing. He says he’s “too independent”, wants to complete his goals, wants to travel, etc. I challenged him that being in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t do those things. I also challenged to not get into a relationship if if doesn’t want one, and be honest with the person immediately that he wants something casual. I also added that he’s clearly not that independent if he keeps getting into relationships, as he’s clearly getting some needs met. He also expressed being completely against marriage, due to its institutional ties with the patriarchy. This was frustrating, but only because he knew from the beginning that I wanted a relationship, and to also one day get married, but also because this dude acts like the patriarchal standard of a man. Wants women to be into him, be emotionally available, do the emotional labor, but is unwilling to reciprocate any of that. He was low effort, inconsiderate, selfish, and emotionally unintelligent, just like how the patriarchy encourages men to be.
He hopes to one day be friends. I said no because I have feelings for him and need him out of my life to heal and move on. I will say, he was very apologetic about everything, acknowledged his mistakes, and I feel his apology was sincere. He encouraged me to reach out to him if I still need to talk to him about this. I appreciated his willingness to acknowledge his issues, apologize, and try to support me emotionally after the breakup. Still, I will not be contacting him, obviously, but I did appreciate this from him.
The reality is, I could go on and on about these EU men, and this man I dated. They are all about themselves, and getting their needs met. They want high quality women, but are unwilling to be high quality men. They are not necessarily bad people, but they do not choose to be good men. This man I dated was one of the best people I know. I loved him for who he was as a person. That’s what I focused on instead of the fact that he was not a good man. In the future, I’m confident I’ll handle dating differently. One thing about myself is I feel that my gut tells me immediately what’s happening isn’t right, and I need to listen to that and have trust in my instinct. I learned a lot from this man and I wish him the best and am happy to move on, though still very, very sad, and will miss him so much.
Hello Erin, your story illustrates very well EU man and how they act. I am very impressed how you handled it with him, not making any contact to heal and drawing lesson. It is good encouragement for.me who is on my third month of healing from EU man.
He was my friend for 12 years, we had share passion and spent very exciting time together. He was secretive, I didn't know where he lives it even how old he is for all these years. I was having so much fun and chemistry with him, I thought he is classy ,caring man, I fall in love.
When I told him I have feeling for him last year he was happy to take it slowly. We were meeting for a year but always around our passion, and I felt relationship is not developing. He was not keen to have any serious conversation but kept telling me he has feelings for him, he invited me to spend Christmas with his family (lockdown) and then didnt mention anything about this invite so I ended up not going. And he didn't ask what I am going to do on my own. After one year of giving him time and space, I couldn't stand that unclarity. I asked him if he sees me as a girlfriend. He said he can go both ways which was vague. He didn't want relationship but couldn't be even open about this with me. I felt taken advantage of, not treated respectfully as I was opening about my feelings, he couldn't articulate even that he is not interested.
This was it. I am healing. It is getting better.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for this platform. I have been dating a EU guy for almost 7 months. He seemed so perfect and genuine, he made me feel as if I was his dream girl. He said that he had never been in any serious relationship and it took him 32 years to find someone like me and now he knows I am the one. Initially I was bit reluctant as I had trust issues. I shared all my insecurities and problems with him and he assured me he is never gonna leave me. He started treating me as a family member. He used to visit my place and hang out. He said he is damn serious about me and want a relationship. I was still not ready but he pursued me so much that I started to trust him. he even asked me to tell about us to my parents. He used to take me out sometimes and also we started hanging out with his friends.
It seemed all like a dream, he was so good and transparent, we used to talk everyday. He used to share things with me, we talked like best friends, it was like a solid connection. He used to read my mind even without me speaking anything just from my tone. Gradually when I started feeling for him, he lost interest. Texts , calls became less frequent. I used to wait all time for him to be available to spend time or talk. I gave him all space, rather I started being scared about disturbing him. We had few fights and he would say he won't do the same , I already asked to break up twice but he assured me that we will make it work and I blindly trusted him. He said he want me in his life as he never felt like this for anyone, he also asked me to live in once we are back to our work location. Deep in my heart I wasn't happy but I felt so attached to leave him. I love him, I gave my 100%. A month ago he got agitated and said he can't handle my expectations as a girlfriend, and he thinks he isn't a boyfriend material and left. I tried convincing him but he said he has several responsibilities and he can't handle another one. He asked me to move on, and said it's not my fault. Been a month he never texted me or called me, there's not even a single day when I don't cry, I feel so dead inside, shattered completely. I was in 11 years long relationship before this and I feel so needy for affection and love sometimes and this man consciously made me fall in love just to abandon me.
I am still hoping that someday he would realise and come back, I have been making all possible efforts to be there for him. I feel terrible, i don't know how to let go this pain. I miss him so much and i feel so helpless
Oh Arpi, I'm feeling this one with you tonight.You can't get yourself back from the same guy who took you away from yourself but we'll almost die trying! I wish I could have been there in the beginning as he told you those things and caused you to give up your heart and emotions to him so early. So many empty words that made him love your response to him that he could be so powerful to elicit such a response in you! I would have warned you then as I do now because it is the singlemost biggest red flag. That much in the beginning signals nothing else more sustainable. That's all he had, all he will ever have and sweet soul, you are everything without him and nothing with him. Only in your own mind does he gain a place so high up on that pedestal!
Dear Arpi, your man seems to enjoy control. Though he may not have been into you, he didn't want to let you break up. He did it when you were there, in love with him , waiting for him.
I broke up with EU two months ago. It feels better but still difficult to give up the dream as I loved him for many years and he was my very good friend prior to dating.
We are both stating new and more honest life. Keep fingers crossed for you.
I too dated an EU , who at first was charming , swept me off my feet. The chemistry was great from the word go, we got on so well I couldn’t have asked for more . As the months went by ( only communicating in text & one date a week for 3 months) I did ask for more, another night, It suited him so he agreed. He said I was his girlfriend too. We continued to see one another for 11 months. The occasional day out ( 3 in total) & a week away. I spoilt him, was supporting of him . At about 6 -7 months he stopped putting his arm around me, holding my hand unless I did ...being affectionate , making the first move, I think maybe it was because I told him I had feelings for him, all he could say in response .....that’s good to hear! My heart sank. We continued to see each other, I felt insecure, feeling like an option. I was never needy or clingy. I wondered wether he would say he didn’t want to see me again , so I ended it . It hurt so much, & it still hurts today. The last 7 months he still texts & says he still ‘ desires me’ & would like to have casual passion( his words) that’s all he can give. I gave in twice because I love him, but it’s tearing me apart & cant do it anymore. He’s afraid of commitment & scared of getting hurt ...this he told me recently in text. He hurt me & that doesn’t seem to matter, it’s all about him.
I now have to find the strength to never reply to him again & start loving myself again, I’m worth so much more.
After being with someone for 20 + years who cheated on me I thought I’d never date again, reading all these posts from you lovely people have taught me a lot, has opened my eyes to the dating world of today.
I am so pleased that I came across this article & thread. It's so easy to feel like you're the only person in the world that could possibly feel this way when you're going through it. It's also easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your own relationship was in some way different to what others are going through.
Having read through all of the comments below, it is easy to be on the outside from an unattached perspective & see poorly these men treat you all and that they will never change - I'm hoping that you can all do the same for me because 6 months post break-up, I am still in the phase of thinking that my EU ex will change for someone else and be everything that I wanted him to be with me.
We were together on & off for 4 years. We met at work & I had recently come out of a very long and unhappy relationship.
He made me feel like the only girl in the world and loved in a way I had never known. As time went on, I started to notice though that he would almost disappear in the times that we weren't together - extremely low communication and when I raised it, would be told that when we're together, we are together and when we're apart, we are apart. I thought it was me asking for too much or being too needy. He also kept in contact with his ex-girlfriend which I made clear was something I wasn't comfortable with and really upset me - he continued anyway.
We broke up for the first time after around 9 months because he didn't feel like he could be in a relationship and it wasn't fair on me. I was absolutely devastated and spent the next year hating myself & feeling completely broken. Until he came back and told me everything I'd ever wanted to hear. I was invited on his family holiday very early on into our relationship, we were looking round houses together and he would spend hours on websites looking at engagement rings with me. He moved out of his apartment and into my house (this was his idea), only to 3 weeks later tell me that he was struggling and needed his own space. I tried to be supportive and understanding, as I know that he does suffer with extreme bouts of depression & anxiety. So, he moved out, got himself a new apartment and could come back at the weekends.
I always felt as though I was on the edge of him leaving again, so I tried to be as accommodating as I could.
We had a holiday booked later in the year, that he ended up pulling out of 2 days before and let me go by myself instead.
Our relationship continued for another year, and things seemed okay until one day when he told me that he was depressed again, and for me it was back to living on eggshells and making sure that nothing was done or said that might upset him because I knew he would just leave. 2 months later, just after my birthday, he checked into a hotel and would go for a week at a time, telling me he would be home the following week, only to tell me that he needed longer. This went on for 5 weeks and he decided to get his own apartment again.
I continued for another 6 months trying to support him through his depression, seeing each other once a week and communicating once a day. It was so hard but I wanted to help him.
I'd reached breaking point when he hadn't contacted me after my Grandmothers funeral because he'd 'fallen asleep' and I couldn't cope with the amount of support that I'd given him continuously, & he couldn't even manage to contact me after something so significant.
We broke up at the end of January, and I still cannot get over it. I miss him so much and of course, can only think about the good moments (and I stress moments). I'm doing everything I can to move on with my own life, I've moved house, I see friends all of the time but it's always there at the forefront of my mind.
Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
Thanks so much x
Hi Lauren, I was with a man “off and on” for 14 years. We couldn’t make it past 9 months without breaking up. I always said he knew how to get me but never knew how to keep me. None of my family liked him and would always ask what I saw in him. I never had an answer for that because I didn’t know what I saw in him. He was a crappy conversationalist, out and out lied about so many things, and everything was centred around him. Now I’m 62 and literally wasted 14 years of my life on this man. Don’t do what I did because it just repeats itself and it never gets better. Starts out “great” and then crashes and burns. The worst is telling your friends....we’re back together AGAIN.....we’ve split AGAIN! It’s downright embarrassing! You’ll go through this hurt and constant reminders.....don’t try to suppress it. Let yourself feel crappy and go to all your favourite spots A LOT. After awhile you’re so soaked in it that is just gets boring and it’s just a “whatever” feeling. Good luck and DON’T go back....not worth it!
I would like to share my story of dating an EU man. It has felt like I've been in a long distance relationship with someone, even though he lives in the same city as me. We met online, and he came across originally as a kind and sensitive person, someone who cares deeply about environmental and social causes. This was a big part of what he said to me, that he cares deeply about people. Very quickly, I fell for him and I couldn't have been happier with the sex - it was incredible. It felt like he knew me on some profound and cosmic level, and I was physically and psychically overwhelmed by the attention. It was like he had this kind of magic, this charisma, and it allowed me to keep forgiving him for some obvious faults. As, quickly, lots of things seemed to get in the way - his work (apparently he was so busy that he couldn't meet for weeks), he got sick (and he said that he was too sick to contact me), it kept going on and on. I stopped expecting when we made plans that he would actually follow through and meet me: he would cancel so frequently on me it was actually farcical. Recently I finally broke up with him, but to be honest if he hadn't done yet another disappearing trick I probably may have given him just one more chance. There was *always* an excuse that was kind of plausible, it's just that the whole sequence was so repetitive. I kept trying to tell myself that I was getting something out of the "relationship", but ultimately it was causing me so much unhappiness. I also hated the way that I was put in a position of being the 'waiter'... waiting around for someone's affection (a few people have said they get left 'crumbs' of affection, and that is totally the word that I'd use for this as well). It's not fair to be the waiter. I did give him the benefit of the doubt despite months of misgivings, but ultimately despite his promises I never saw the 'better' version of him that actually saw him attending to my emotional needs. I don't know if he was intentionally draining my positive energy or whether he just needs to operate that way because of self-sabotaging life issues. I guess I'm never going to find out...
It's usually the latter, Jennifer. It's a defense mechanism they're rarely consicous of, let alone able to understand. What you got was what he was capable of and that was all it was ever going to be. I know it's hard to let it go but you honestly did the right thing. When you hate the position you're in, you either change the position or adjust to it and it sounds like that's exactly what you learned! Here's to being happy again - and free. You've got your own magic, girl! Don't need to borrow from anyone else's. Much love to you!
Yesterday I said goodbye to a man I was falling in love with, its been 5 months, we met online. We had a magical time together, everything was great, the words he told me, everything I've always wanted to here, I am 45, he's 38. He thinks I am so young looking and age was never an issue. We have been away together. I know he was with a girl for 10 years but that ended over three years ago, I think maybe he was more damaged than I realized. As 3 days ago he called me and said he had been thinking that his feelings have changed for me and he wanted to end it. We met up and he said maybe he will regret it but for now he needs to leave me and be alone. I am so confused and he also said "you don't want to take on my bad moods". He said give it some time and space, so I am , he said its him, not me, I don't understand any of it really. I am not going to contact him now, but I wish I just understood what happened better. He said he could not fully love, so I guess he's another EU man? what to do?
Hi, I wanted to to sure my story of dating now my ex who was emotionally unavailable. We met last August on a dating site, he was charming but what quite guy 1st date didn’t really ask me about myself but we got on really well and there was a spark, we started dating 3 months in we or more I asked to be his girlfriend he said yes, he was never a big talker but he did say he doesn’t like talking about his feelings and doesn’t like conflict (looking back a huge red flag) as life is about compromise and sorting out issues not sweeping them under the carpet. We dated through lockdown txting everyday then it felt like I was txting everyday communication wasn’t his strong point and had many convos about it, he would say sorry be a bit better then go back to before, well 8 months in last week I met his daughter well our daughters met had a really nice day ( he was quite and sometimes not there but that’s always been him, so didn’t really see any problems, I said how do you think it went, he said really well but after I felt his txt were a little short but again his never been good, on the Monday I txt saying what is your plans for the weekend, nothing back so late that evening I txt saying are we okay you seem quite and I’m here, nothing I feel silly but the next day i tried to call twice still nothing so after I text saying this isn’t working I feel sad and disappointed your ignoring me still nothing........ I was a little worried about his mental health so I messaged his sister (we never met but new they were close) she said he had a good time when the girls met and she is confused to..... I have read this blog and realised I’m free now no more stress and anxiety about when I see hi. Or why has he not txt... just feel sad that I allowed it and made myself feel so horrible. Looking back he never made set plans never said about meeting his parents or holidays or even dates. He worked shifts so could never plan his work was really bad at organising his shift pattern.... I wish I saw the red flags sooner he is a twin and they don’t talk not even friends on social media he has 3 sister and only close to one. He was married and has one child I did ask why he broke up but he blamed her but again not much detail. He never liked deep convo even if it was one about my daughter he wouldn’t answer like he had no voice and over lockdown he never really asked how I am considering I’m a single mum and my job has been on hold.... any way I’m better without him just what upsets me is the ghosting wish he had the bulls to tell me. Sorry for long post.
Hi Sarah,
Yes. You are better off without him dragging you down every single day. Yes. I know how you feel. I dated someone very much like you describe and in hindsight I can now say out loud that he was the worst boyfriend I ever had.
What an energy zapper to be with someone who doesn't talk, doesn't contribute to grow the relationship, doesn't make plans, doesn't talk about the future even if that future is one week out and most importantly doesn't ask you about YOU.
Do not spend your time or energy blaming yourself for not seeing red flags. Doing that implies you did something wrong and you did nothing wrong but try to love someone.
Instead of blaming yourself or feeling bad or thinking how you could have been different (and I beg you to NOT do that), spend time writing down all the lessons you learned from this experience which has made you smarter and wiser next time around. Turn what we think of as a loss into a gain. As Jayne says, you gained yourself back.
Think about what you want to move on to and forget about him. You deserve so much better. I know it and you know it.
Thank you for the response, since it all ended I feel so much lighter, like I don’t have to keep checking my phone to see if he txt or text back, or when will I see him gain.
The only thing I wish was is that he didn’t just ghost me, but looking back I feel I had that feeling he always would, it’s when he said he didn’t like confrontation. The biggest thing I have learnt is my daughter comes 1st and thankfully she never really got a bond with him and wasn’t upset at all when I said we won’t see him any more.
I did all I could to love him, but while trying I wasn’t even sure I liked him in the end, and kind of lost myself.
X
This is always the irony of these men, Sarah, that in the end you're even sure you liked him! What this tells you is this was about you, not about him. It wasn't him you actually wanted, but what he represented to you and the path he provided for you to get those needs met. Whether it's inclusion or worthiness, or the elusive successful fantasy relationship - whatever it was, this is why you lose yourself as it becomes not about him, but about you! Also, your daughter probably saw right through him even if you she knew better than to tell you her thoughts. Kids are so wise - and intuitive, unlike most of us who've usually traveled so far from when we could first trust ourselves!
I understand what Pisces is going through, however websites and other peoples stories truly helps..
I was thinking I was in relationship, however, he too is an emotionally unavailable man..it took me awhile to figure things out. I found always placed on hold, he was newly seperated when we started but the seperated wife made a comment and stopped me from coming to the house they lived in together..he then moves but nothing changed, I couldn’t come over for so many different reasons except late night sex. Even then after awhile, it was like we’re done, you can return to your home..
I figured if we’re single, why can’t we hang out and go places. His excuse was he is homebody and why am I trying to make home do something he didn’t want to do. I’m baffled at this point, because I thought in a relationship you want to be with your gf, but not him. So we broke up three times (red flag I know) he would start like he’s coming around and going out, but only for a brief moment. He always had excuses on why I couldn’t come over or spend time. Every weekend I’m alone, even in V-day, he brought me a gift, stopped by for 10 minutes then left. Who wants to spend V-Day alone when you’re dating someone..finally it’s been two weeks since we’ve spoken. He’s told me I’m
Not getting the chance to break up with him again, so all we can do is kick it, nothing serious, he sees who he wants and I do what I want, no questions asked.
I thought well I already feel empty and dissatisfied in the relationship, that would make it worse if I agreed. I also felt like I would be compromising me and my happiness. I still found myself missing him, but in actuality I know I made the right decision of not staying in something that Just didn’t feel right. I felt like I never fit into his life, he drinks, smokes marijuana and I don’t, but all the people who did, was welcomed.. I just didn’t belong!
Exactly, Taurus - and neither did he!
I’m two fresh from telling an emotionally unavailable man that I ‘need a breather’. I’ve just spent three months dating him, but because it’s lockdown the level of intensity feels higher. Our relationships seems quite text book and one I should have seen the red flags of earlier.... he is newly separated, love bombed me, went distant as soon as he started staying over, made no future plans and never showed intimacy. Just writing this makes me wonder why I Stayed!
I finally had enough this week as his work stress levels have meant he has now stopped even being nice. What I’m finding hard is the fact he has tried to blame me having emotional reactions for some of our problems. I feel like I’ve been put through an emotional wringer and am exhausted! Very sad too as I miss being in a relationship (I’m normally always single). Reading your comments has helped see how he really doesn’t deserve me or a relationship. Not sure now what to do if he comes back after our breather as he said he doesn’t want to lose what we have!
So glad these have helped, Caroline. Of course he doesn't want to lose what you have - he knows how good he has it with you!
PS The biggest red flag here for me is that he's tried to blame your emotional reactions for some of your problems. Pay attention to that. That's going to be a pattern if you continue to date him. That's him absolving himself of taking responsibility for his behaviours that led to those emotional responses from you!
Reading these comments has been such validation for me. I have been pursuing a man (who seemed so perfect) for almost 2 years now. We have so much in common, think alike, have the same humor, etc. We started texting last year pretty regularly after the COVID lockdown. I didn't think much of it when he never wanted to get together because I thought he was afraid of getting COVID. When things started opening up last June, I begged him to get together. He never seemed excited about it and often had an excuse to get out of it. I thought that was strange, but wrote it off as quirkiness. We finally did spend an entire day going to the beach together in September. It was a great time, we got along perfectly and he acted totally normal. The only weird thing was that he never tried to hold my hand, touch my shoulder, no physical affection at all. This is after months of texting just about every day for most of the day. He did tell me about how he was abused by his parents physically and mentally. If course, I stepped in to support and encourage him and be the "mom" that cared so much. After that, I expected to go from friend status to girlfriend, but that wasn't even an idea in his head. He would text me and then go for 4-5 days ghosting me. It was weird. I finally asked what he felt the status of our relationship was. I'm in my 50's, have been separated for a couple years and getting divorced soon. I don't have a desire to play games. He just said he was sorry he couldn't be what I wanted him to be and he was really stressed at work. I could go on and on but he totally went silent over my birthday in October and for Christmas, it was like pulling teeth to see him a week after. I felt like I had morphed into this perfect friend (hoping to be his girlfriend) and it never happened. I questioned if I wasn't attractive enough or too old (he's in his 50's also). I was getting very down when I came across this website. I was dumbfounded how similar my story is to all the others. He's a total introvert, has very few male friends, but several female friends he's always telling me how he's "helping them out". I would get somewhat jealous but I had to keep telling myself that I was only a friend too. I was way overinvested emotionally and have cried so many tears for this guy. He's very good looking and I initially took it as a challenge. I now realize that he is an illusion. I'm in love with the guy texting me, telling me all these wonderful things though he could never plan things or talk about future events. It all makes sense to me now and I realize that it wasn't me going crazy or making all this stuff up. I had never really known what an EU man was, but he is it 100%. I am backing off totally and though we have a business relationship, I am wondering if I can just be friends with him without getting sucked back in to the emotional crazy train I was on. I am just so thankful for this site and the validation it has provided to me. I am chalking this up to a learning experience that I will be able to go forward with when I start dating again after my divorce is final. I'm just glad I figured this out now and not in another 10 years!
I am too, Jillian! And so glad to be able to give you the validation and confirmation you need! You're not alone, girl. And you won't be alone when you find what you're looking for either. First we come to see what we don't want with a clarity that can only be gained from relationships like these, and then you're ready for the clarity of what you DO want, so clearly you can't help but find and attract exactly that. No more emotional crazy trains for you!
I was with a guy who’s clearly emotionally unavailable. Here’s the story..
November last year we started as just fuck buddies.. like we only see each other just for sex but you know having sex for me is a very intimate act, so I started falling for him. I sent him an angry message on December. Ended up not seeing/talking to him for almost 30 days
Because He said “we need some time apart”.
Fast forward to January 2021, we reconnected again but same thing happened, just sex (I told myself, I really don’t know this person apart from the fact we are very much compatible in bed) after that sex we had an argument again! This time he told me he’s not really looking for anything serious, not even for me or anyone after me. He said he doesn’t give me any special treatment. After that conversation we stopped seeing/talking to each other again.
Fast forward to February, on my birthday.. he went to my party. I was happy. Sunday morning he went to my place (first time ever) and we just cuddled and talked about life in general. He started sharing stuff he never shared before.. it was like he was opening up to me.. the following day we went for a walk (10kms!) and just had a good conversation all through out.. he started opening up about his life. Everything was so different for the couple of weeks, I was able to know who he really is and who I really am.. I was falling for him even more. Here comes last week, I opened up to him that I’m looking for a relationship. He said he can’t give it to me.. he said he is happy with what we have, sex friendship and companionship. He knows that I want more, and he said he wants me to be happy, and if letting him go will make me happy then he said he will understand. He said he doesn’t want to be selfish by telling me to stay with him if he knows I’m not going to be happy in the long run.
So I told him this will be the last time will see each other.. I blocked him in social media after that..
But right now I’m so depressed, I feel like I lost something very important to me.. i feel like what if I stayed for awhile, what if I stayed and just let it happen.. I want to message him.. I want to tell him I want to take back what I said.. I don’t know what to do..
Pisces,
Take it from a fool who knows. Do not text him. Do not call him. Do not take back your words. He has told you what he doesn't want and you must believe him. You cannot change his mind. Ever. I'm sorry your heart is breaking. I know that heartache so I say all of this with compassion and understanding.
You deserve so much better than this man who can't or won't love you. Protect your self-worth and let him leave. It is the best thing for YOU. And then you must wait for a man who loves you and wants you - not just a man who uses you.
Don't settle for anything less than the love you seek. If you do, it will only bring more heartache.
Sending you strength.
I honestly think we should start forming "eligible but unavailable" lists to share with one another - in this age of social media and online dating, it's so easy for people to hide their past and dirty deeds, not be accountable to anyone (since their circle of friends and family aren't aware of what really goes on), and continue to have an ambiguous if not altogether great reputation. In the past when people dated people who they met through others, you knew who the bad apples were and had fair warning. My story... Two years ago I was able to leave a very toxic relationship with a true narcissist with whom I was engaged. I did the hard work of crawling away, cutting ties, grieving, going into therapy, and really making myself healthy again - and this is the only way I was able to figure the next one out so quickly. Then comes along a man I'd known for a few years - my perfect match (well educated, intellectual, artistic, adventurous with my same interests - aviation and beekeeping and gardening and science and adventures) who pursued me. He was kind and thoughtful and sensitive, so attentive and affectionate, seemed *so genuine* and *so much like me* (I don't think this was made up - we really did have same interests, same views, same opinions...), he invited me to connect and spend time with all the important people in his life (his parents, his best friends, his 9 year old daughter, his pets) and in his home over multiple holidays like the perfectly in love couple starting to get serious... Only 7 to 8 months in for him to call me, tell me he'd lost interest, there was no chemistry (definitely not the case a week prior when I'd spent the weekend with him...), he was done, he didn't want to discuss it or see me again. He was interested in pursuing another woman. No kindness, no sensitivity, just cold and callous. He flipped a switch and was suddenly a different man in front of me (we were Facetiming). I processed it very quickly, as I was speaking to him. There were no tears (there were later), just - this doesn't make sense, this hurts and is a loss for both of us... but no, this is your loss, I was such a great match for you and we had a really wonderful time together and future ahead of us. I made it clear that this was his loss more than mine! He had nothing other than "sorry, bye..." to say. I was the one who said we didn't stay friends, we weren't going to stay in touch, or catch up at any point in the future. Especially when I realized (long story) that he'd already lined someone else up and was off to see her the very next morning. This was a pattern! It explained so much about his girlfriend before me, his ex-wife and their unhealthy marriage, the blanks that filled his life in terms of love. This was a pattern! What type of man with any character or integrity does that??? I blocked him on all my social media and my phone, deleting his year or more worth of cute, affectionate, sweet texts and throwing out all of his gifts. He doesn't care, and never will - he's very cerebral but just hasn't developed the emotional part of his brain. And he will pursue and discard the next, and the next, and the next... He's not able to form an emotionally intimate connection with a woman that goes beyond the initial stage of dating and getting to know the other. He doesn't want anything serious, just casual (but he will say whatever you want to hear...). I deserve better because I am able to be emotionally intimate, and I want something real and deep and lasting - that's what I have to offer (and more!). So now that I know how to respond when it's clear the other person is either emotionally unavailable or toxic and emotionally abusive. How do we vet anyone to know sooner than later???
P.S. This man is in his late 50's (I'm in my early 40's), works in tech as an executive, and lives near Santa Cruz, California. If you think you might know him, comment and we can see, lol.
Ouch, that hurts. That would help, Elle. Yes you deserve better and clearly the problem lies with him, not anything to do with you. What strikes me is that when you found this out, it filled in all the blanks. Can you trust yourself sooner when you first recognize there are even any blanks at all?
To some degree, we all have blanks when we first meet another person and it takes time to fill them all in, right? I think I should trust myself to cut my losses earlier. This man - within 2-3 months of our dating - did mention he "lost interest" in his wife early on but concluded he'd settled for her when he needed someone more intelligent (who says that?? other than fairly arrogant people... and I met her - she may not have been super cerebral, but she was a lovely woman, and very happy in another long-term relationship...). He also admitted he'd had an affair during that marriage and cut it off when "the wheels were coming off" his life - no mention of guilt or loving his wife or being remorseful. It was all about him. Of course, he said having his daughter changed him, etc. No - people well into adulthood rarely change, not without *a lot* of inside work, and that isn't him. It's never his fault. I'm well into moving on. Ready for a joy-filled and full life even without a partner. And if I happen to meet someone great, they'll need to fill in all the blanks and not be so arrogant and self-centered!
See that? Elle, you already know! ❤
Did I mention he could be any one of my exes too?!
Wow.... Going through something similar. My guy is unavailable emotionally and he said he's not sure why.... We did this dance 4 yrs ago when he was going through a divorce. I decided bad timing. (Excuses)
Fast forward .... We reconnected 2 months ago. He doesn't want to keep in touch too much while apart. He throws me a bone and turns up the volume when I pull away..... I ended it recently. After 2 months of the same arms length behavior I've had enough. Not wasting anymore time... Miss certain things but I'm not waiting for someone who won't change. Stay strong
I was with a guy 10 years older than me. Me being 21, him 31. We were perfect, intimacy, connection, laughing just every aspect of being together. He begged me to move In two months after dating and said he loved me first. I was skeptical but caved and moved In and we got a puppy as well. Once I moved In he completely changed. He would put me down constantly telling me he liked girls with small boobs better (I got a breast augmentation during our relationship) or how I dressed tacky, things like that. He never wanted to cuddle or be by me and would call me annoying and such for wanting it and saying he’s already been there and done that about cuddling and doesn’t need it anymore. He stopped initiating sex and would constantly turn me down. I brought it up to him countless times and he would promise to work on it or go get his testosterone checked. He never did, nothing ever changed. He would watch porn and masturbate and would even say sex has became a chore since we “fight” about it so much. I’d even go weeks without saying anything or initiating just to see what he’d do and to not fight. Whenever I brought up “talks” to him he got very defensive and blew up turning it into a fight. He let his friends disrespect me and hit on me and never spoke up and said a word, so me also expressing how that hurt and how I didn’t feel like a team, turned into him getting defensive and fighting. I knew he had communication issues; whenever we would fight he would wake up the next day and act like nothing happened instead of talking it out and if I tried talking it out he would blow up. Issues don’t get resolved if you don’t talk them out. He was chemically dependent on cocaine and alcohol which I never said anything about because I wasn’t there to judge him. He broke up with me because his friends disrespected me yet again and I wasn’t settling for him shoving it yet again under the rug. He told me he is okay with sex once every two weeks and if it happens more great if not he will not argue about it because that is all he needs and how masturbating and porn is stress/work free for him. I told him this is a relationship and you compromise In a relationship if you really love one another. He told me if we didn’t stop fighting he was done, I never fought with him me bringing up real issues to work on was too much and he would spaz out. If he didn’t want to deal with it he would spaz. He ended the relationship like a flip of a switch telling me he’s just “emotionally detached” because of all the fighting and how if that makes him not relationship compatible then it does because he can’t handle it. I thought he loved me enough to compromise and work it out. He is already on dating apps again and wants nothing to do with me from what I know of. I tried to work it out with him once more and he said he’s just done. I find myself so confused on him being nice and willing to work it out one day and the next being “emotionally detached”. I don’t understand what emotionally detached means. Does it mean he doesn’t have any feelings for me or that he just can’t handle what it takes In a relationship to make it work. I find myself focusing on what I could’ve done to of changed things and made him not leave. He was good sometimes which makes me think should I of just not of said anything and put up with the intimacy issues (sex, cuddling, affection) and the fact that he just wasn’t a guy to defend me? I don’t know.... I don’t know how he could just give up so fast and not care about us, our puppy, everything.
I recognized your experience: the love bombing, pushing for commitment, not listening to your intuition, the drastic change in behavior, the with-holding of affection. You are not mistaken. This man did you a favor, my dear, by ending things. Perhaps this is the universe doing what you could not do for yourself. You deserve real love, respect, intimacy, and honesty. It’s time to look inside yourself and ask why you allowed someone to treat you that way. It was a hard lesson for me to learn: that I was finding lower companionship hoping they would love me and not leave me...only I was recreating a pattern I experienced in childhood: the neglect and abandonment I felt from both my parents. The solution is inside you. Walk away. Heal yourself. No second chances for that behavior. They don’t change. You can do this. Love and light ✨
Here's one for you to desconstruct.
I actually do not know if this guy was emotionally unavailable or not because he doesn't fit the description entirely.
He was very emotional and would cry sometimes - although looking back I'm not sure if he was crying for the thing he was talking about at the time or crying for a deeper reason that he was hiding from me.
He made lots of plans and in fact actually took up all of my time that he possibly could. We spent tons of time together and had amazing chemistry and connection. He could talk about in depth things and in fact we could talk for hours.
But
He cheated on me for several months. He ended up confessing (only to one girl but he had two and I found out about the other one) He wanted to repair it but would get angry if I brought it up and crucify me practically for it and break it off or go cold. In the end he got mad because he tried to ask my friend how he could repair things between him and I and she told him to be more than just good sex....He hung up the phone and proceeded to berate me on text with the most hateful messages I've ever seen. I blocked him everywhere. Is this emotionally unavailable (with the cheating and creating the love triangle I feel like it is) or is it something else. Like maybe just being a selfish asshole?
Yes and yes, Leanne. He's both. Don't doubt yourself again!
Hello
I just broke it off with an emotionally unavailable man and I am so heartbroken. I know he isn’t right for me- we would have a wonderful weekend then he would run cold all week, barely talking to me and not initiating any plans. I was miserable- but why do I feel more miserable now? Is it bad that I am secretly hoping he will come back? Any positive advice or pep talks would be greatly appreciated.
Please don’t despair. The man that is meant for you will not be inconsistent or cause you pain. If you scroll down and read the post I did about 6mos. I felt empowered and great! What was to come after was a dark night of the soul that would result in a huge spiritual awakening. Letting go of him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As a result of the decision to honor MYSELF and not tolerate the behavior any longer I have learned about self-worth, self-love, breaking ancestral patterns, and setting boundaries. You were meant to learn something from this person. Feel the feelings, reach out to your support, and know that you are worthy of the love of your dreams. Remember, we have to embody that which we desire. You need to love yourself like the love you wish to have with another. Love and light...✨
Thank you so much- this meant a lot
♥️♥️♥️
Same experience. Hot, cold, hot , cold. It's not your responsibility to figure out his bad dating habits. Keep busy and move on. I gave my situation two months including a detailed conversation of why I have had enough. Enough
Well, it took me a long, long, long time but today I deleted all of the photos and his contact info. I am one step closer to a leaving this man to my past. Don't get me wrong, it hurts like heck. But it is what I need to do to leave this EU man. I hope that wherever you are in your journey of recovery that you get closer to accepting can never be with an EU person. Peace and strength to all of us.
Of course it hurts, Marie. But how else does anything change - when you've tried everything you can do from within the relationship! - when everything else in the relationship stays the same?! Peace and strength - and so much love - to you!
I feel your pain. I left my emotionally unavailable man 6 days ago. I cannot stop crying. It’s more of the fantasy of what could have been. What we wanted with these men. I’m 57 and this is the first EU man I have ever encountered. NEVER AGAIN! He has every single symptom and I think it’s sad. Hope you are doing better!
Sue,
I hear you on so many points: my first encounter with an EU man was at age 57, fantasizing on what could have been, and feeling sad for the men who can't connect or feel anything. Funny thing is my gut told me something was missing/lacking in the connection but like many women I told myself it was me (not him). If I could take back THAT conversation with myself and see things for what they were, I would have save myself a lot of heartache. In the end, I do feel sorry for EUs because they float through life like they are fine and dandy but deep down have much bigger problems which only they can face. But most EUs don't have that level of self-awareness to realize there are issues so they carry on and leave a trail of heartache wherever they go. But we are smarter and wiser now, and know the signs to look for.
Hi
I was with my ex husband for 26 years (cant belive im doing this)We divorced in May as i could not keep doing what i was doing,Forgiving him everytime he got angry,called me names etc.
For years we went throught the same circle,i would cry my heart out,he would apologies,we would move on>>
I left him and he hounded me saying he couldnt live without me,he would work on his issues but needed my help as he couldnt do it on his own..He was never very sociable etc and most of the time i had to go to weddings etc on my own as he would not come with me.
I came back and for a year things were ok,He tried,i tried etc etc.until we had another bust up.This time he said he had realised he could not be the man i truly needed and deserved and needed us to get divorced now rather than later as he didnt want to know in a couple of years i was asking for a divorce as i had met someone.
Now its like we never existed,he wont talk to me and just tells our daughter that obviously i havent moved on yet.I am finding it hard to let go for some reason and feel so stupid for putting up with it for so long,i always thought you stuck things out lol crazy huh.
First, take out the feeling stupid part, Janet. It's called believing in something and sticking to it and having the tenacity to see it through until you've exhausted all options and finally accept the reality of what it actually is instead of the picture of what you so wanted it to be. That's not stupid, that's a beautiful trait reserved for someone who actually meets you there with the capacity to do the same! Not crazy, this is who we are and this is what we need someone to do WITH us, not fighting against us and leaving us the only one standing doing all the work, wondering what's wrong with us instead of them. Let the triggers go - especially when he undermines you with your daughter - and just practice acceptance of the limits to what you can do on your own. You've tried for a year. You've given it your all. You're fighting yourself now more than you're fighting him. Let it go. You're not supposed to be a fighter in a loving relationship, you're a lover - and don't let anyone ever tell you that's anything but a beautiful thing!
This Thought Catalog piece was on my FB and I've been reading it over and over. Maybe it will help you too:
"When we've poured ourselves into another, it's hard to admit that they may not be our person. And when we feel deeply connected to someone, we want to fight hard for the potential we see. But sometimes fighting hard means letting go. It means honoring ourselves, reclaiming our worth, and learning to know when it is time to prune that which is dying or dead so that flowers can bloom in their place."
Thanks for sharing, Marie. That's beautiful - and so very true. Glad it's helping you.
Hi
First time I've ever written on something like this but struggling hard.
2 months ago I met this incredible guy online (in his early 40s) who was so into me it was nothing I've experienced before - even before meeting he said how excited he was and he hadn't been into someone so much for many many moons.
He admitted how nervous he was before our dates which I thought was endearing and vulnerable - told me how lucky he felt to have met me and have me in his life, how he looked forward to our future, how much I inspired him and how I showed him a relationship he thought was out of reach. We had crazy fun together - I know he spoke about me to his colleagues, friends and mum. He put so much effort into cooking for me and made me the most amazing present for my birthday. He spoke long term and invited me home for Christmas.
He asked me to be his girlfriend only 5 dates in. Then 3 weeks later he told me he didn't want to see me again. It all seemed so wonderful to me. Granted - we had been having some problems in the sex department for a couple weeks as he couldn't get it up (only in the evenings)- but this was also after he'd got upset because of how intense his emotions were so I didn't really worry.
The last time we saw each other he was saying he imagined himself old and on his own and I did ask him to make sure he knew what he wanted as I didn't want to waste time with someone who didn't want a relationship long term - which I think came on strong for only an 8 week relationship. In reality we were just in the stage of enjoying and getting to know one another and this came from my own vulnerability.
He also said he felt a lot of pressure around my intensity - but I was just being open and showing him love. He told me early his biggest fear was rejection so I wanted to build a safe, loving space for him. During the relationship I went at his pace - only seeing him once or twice a week. I did invite him to meet my friends which I know panicked him (Again maybe moving too fast on my behalf).
He ended it with me for two reasons as he shared 1) He couldn't relax or be present with me. He didn't feel in flow which meant he couldn't see a future. 2) The sex issue - he says he doesn't 'feel it' with me and the issue is in his words "unsurmountable". He said he didn't know if it was pheromones, or biology or what as he does fancy me and would kiss me all the time and hold me so tight all night so I know I can't give him the physical 'ick'.
I'm killing myself about pushing him when I knew how vulnerable he was and how open he was about his journey and desire to open up with me.
I'm giving him space since he ended it and has gone NC but he said he does think it would be good to meet face to face in the new year, although as he put it "there is nothing more to say" and he is "certain in his decision".
Is there any advice you would share for a conversation with him in the new year to help him reconsider our relationship. I know the reasons he gave but in my 17 years dating a break up has never felt so 'off' and difficult to process - it doesn't make sense and I'm convinced it's more closely related to the intimacy we were feeling for each other. I do realise I sound a bit crazy here and refusing to take a clear no for an answer.
Any advice much appreciated
Anne
Hi Anne,
You didn't push him. You didn't do anything wrong. As you stated, you were being yourself. He is not as great as you think he is. He's a human being with apparently a lot of issues that HE, not you, needs to take care of. Be respectful of his decision and trust that he is doing you a favor as much as it doesn't feel like it to you right now. Allow yourself to feel your disappointment, to feel all your emotions and give yourself the much needed space to see things more objectively and more clearly. One thing that stood out to me in your comment is how quickly he expressed all his interest and all the nice words and sweeping you off your feet thing without actually knowing you. That is your number 1 red flag. A man who is actually ready for a relationship and who has worked out a good share of his inner issues is a man that won't come on too strong right out of the gate because he knows that it takes time to actually get to know a woman to decide if both are a good match for one another. The men who shower you with love words and attention, aka love-bomb you from the beginning are men who are typically unavailable. These are the men who know how to follow a script, but have zero follow-through because they do not know what being real and honest is. Please take some time to detach from the situation and to figure out what you're feeling and what it is you're projecting onto him. I'm not saying you didn't have a connection, I'm sure you did, you didn't imagine things, but he's showing you clearly he can't possibly be a good partner for you. Do take no for an answer, it's respectful, it's mature, and above all else: wise.
Take good care of yourself and get clearer on what kind of man is a good fit for you. If you haven't, I recommend Jane's program. She's wonderful and the program is worth every penny. Good luck.
He's avoidantly attached. These people really don't change and you'll be left second-guessing yourself and your needs at every turn. The things he said initially were flattering, but be sceptical of flattery...) Also the tone of your message makes me think you're replaying an old pattern or something and trying to make someone unavailable or a bit screwy emotionally give you consistent love. It isn't about this guy who really isn't all that. The things that he said were a problem aren't very flattering to you (I would be upset if someone said they weren't 'feeling it' during sex. It's kind of mean (also says far more about him than you). Also do you really want to be involved with someone that has sexual problems... That would screw with my head. I would give him a wide berth to be honest
What if I’m wondering if I didn’t give him enough time? 6 weeks for a man who told me he has a wall, was dating multiple women, & working on his communication. I demanded monogamy 4 weeks in. Maybe it was too soon & freaked him out. He said he’s been w me longer than others. I know what I deserve & want. Is it my fault for pushing him?
Lisa,
It's not your "fault" when you set your standards for what you want and expect. I've learned over the years that when a man talks about his "wall" and his "commincation" problems, you should believe what he says and also believe that you can do nothing to change that. The wall and communication problems are part of who he is and how he presents himself to you. It's his identity. My advice: walk away and never look back. He's not a good fit for you and you deserve someone so much better than him. Let him go and then start searching for someone who is a better match for you. Start today and don't waste months and years on someone incapable of the love you're looking for. Avoid the path that I and so many others here took and now look back on as wasted time. I wish you nothing but good things.
This article helped... a lot. I was dating a man for a couple months. I wasn’t too interested in the beginning but I started really bonding with him about a month in. We have so much fun together and share the same values. I began to be excited that I found such a nice guy who seemed to be very into me. He began to become distant after we would have really good nights together. I finally started saying something and he would say, “oh. We aren’t on the same page. You want a relationship and I can’t give that to you.” In reality, I wasn’t ready for a relationship but expected to hear from the man I was dating. It started get worse and worse each time. It was this endless cycle and I kept hoping he’d figure it out. A week ago I told him that it wasn’t working for me and if he didn’t figure it out then this was done. He told me he’d figure it out and checked in on me a few days later. Then nothing. So, I’ve accepted that he’s not emotionally available and he wasn’t feeling what I was feeling. I know it’s not me. I guess I just assumed that we were good bc my feelings for him are a natural part of dating. I understand he was never available in the first place. I ignored red flags bc he seemed so genuine. I didn’t think a guy like that would ever hurt me. I was wrong.
Wow this sounds so much like what I recently lived. Amazing time together, then pull, then I’d initiate, then back together again, then pull, repeat. I finally said I couldn’t do it anymore. He said he’d do better. The next day when I saw he was pulling away again he broke it off. Devastating but better now than later I suppose.
What’s his name if you do not mind ?
After reading this article, I believe I may have been in with an emotionally unavailable man. I met him a year ago after going through a very damaging situation that made me have next to no self esteem from a man who abused me in text messages, telling me I was fat, ugly and that no one would ever love me. Mind you I am tall, blonde, slender and get told how stunning I am. I had really started to build myself back up, I wanted to be strong and secure, not weak and insecure. I then met this new guy and he was so wonderful to me he made me feel like I was the most amazing person on the planet. But over the course of the year, he tried to end things with me 6 times, telling me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I would beg and plead with him not to end things and he would change his mind, then we would fall back into old habits which I now see were unhealthy. He was still on dating sites, so I constantly worried about other girls, after all the times he had ended it, I was on edge that it would keep happening. Anyway when the year mark was coming up things were looking so positive, we were going away together, I was meeting his best friend (which was a big deal) he had deleted the dating sites and I was happier than ever. So I decided to tell him that I was falling for him. Two days later he ended it and I was thrown into the pleading for him back again. Anyway last week he became distant after 4 wonderful days we had spent together, I knew he was back on dating sites, so I asked him if there was another girl, I had asked him this many times before. He proceeded to ignore me for the entire night I sent it then the next day I sent another text. He continued to ignore me and I went into a state of despair and I flooded his phone with text messages and phone calls for 2 days. I am so embarrassed about my behaviour and it wasn't me at all. The last things he ever said to me were I'm done and no I wont call you, I'm working and I'm gonna turn off my phone. I keep beating myself up about all the texts and phone calls but I was so devastated I didn't know what to do. One of the texts even said I was done but then I back tracked on that. Can someone please make me feel better about this. I really don't want to be seen as the girl that is crazy because I'm not. I gave this guy everything, only for this to happen.
Hi Jill,
I wish one of us here could make you feel better but that's just not life works. Only you can heal yourself. I suspect you know that already.
Everyone who has ever set eyes on this article or posted a comment, knows your pain and heartache, and many of us probably know the shame of texting and calling and pleading with that other person. I've done it myself. It's like some crazy person has taken over your mind and body. The next day the embarrassment is unbearable isn't it?
I have no answers for you about your man except to say that he wasn't the one for you. You need someone different who will and can love you in a meaningful way.
The hardest thing for me was convincing myself that someone else will come into my life who is better for me. I clung to my EU BF because of a deep fear that no one else would ever come along. I clung to something rather than be alone and lonely. Admitting that to myself in the mirror one day brought me to tears. How had I fallen so low? But truth is truth.
I still don't have anyone is my life but at least I don't have this EU man to deal with anymore. Yes. I'm lonely but at least not tormented.
You can get yourself back on track. Say goodbye to him and hello to yourself.
I'm rooting for you.
Hi Jill,
I don't know if you are still feeling this way - I HOPE not. But please know that all you did was love. And you are someone who fights for love. Sure, maybe you felt desperate and crazy, because his behavior CAUSED that.
I'm saying this because I did the same thing. I was with someone for 3 years and wanted to be able to plan for when we would see each other. (I was always just at his beck and call.) He said he couldn't plan and I kind of lost it. Like I was angry and crying and basically lost my shit.
For the past 3 years, I have watched everything that came out of my mouth, edited every text message and tried to make our time together perfect. Then, in one evening, I became a sobbing mess and yelled at him. (I wasn't like screaming at him, but I did yell, "Why can't you choose me?")
He ended things and still refuses to talk to me after 2 weeks, after texting and telling him how sorry I was.
I actually have a great job and great friends and I never thought I was crazy until I was with this man.
I am still dying inside and still trying to forgive myself. I'm still convinced that if I had done things differently, he would still be around ... and yet the other part of me sees that maybe he would be around but he would still be saying "let's take a break" and "I can't plan" and "I told you, I don't want a relationship."
I hope now you see you are free.
xoxoxox
People who are emotionally unavailable make other people feel unbalanced and crazy. Don't doubt yourself. You will find something better. Zero tolerance for that.
Exactly!
Hi,
I read through the article and so many of the responses. I keep the page open because it is so helpful to turn to as I try to absorb the fact that the man I fell in love with and saw for over two years has not only walked away from our relationship, but any connection to me at all. It is like nothing was ever shared or meaningful.
All the gaslighting, all the taking care of himself at my expense. It was all there. And I tried and tried to rationalize it because it seemed like he was showing love and expressing love. But out of the blue, those cold moments would show up. And with the pandemic, they were in such stark relief. But to confuse me, there were those amazing moments.
Finally on my birthday this year it just had to end (and he let me down in the biggest way every single birthday and over the holidays). My daughter witnessed how little regard he really showed me. Something inside me could not accept it. I was so ashamed that I was showing my daughter that this was an acceptable example of love. It was not. But of course, he walked away as I was still trying to work things out.
I need to be thankful that I only spent a little over two years. The lesson is massive and one that I will never forget. I hope I can spot this type of dysfunction early on. I know they hide it well because they really do hope they can get past their issues. But after second, third, fourth, and fifth chances, the truth is clear. It's not going to happen. At least not with me.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps, as he will never give me any closure. I have to find my own. I wrote an email to him in which I stood up for myself and showed grace in saying goodby. I need to be okay with the fact that whatever he does (or doesn't do) in response to that email doesn't even matter. It is my closure. It's all I will get.
Keep writing your stories and standing up for yourself.
Love to you all.
Ginny
Glad it's helping, Ginny. The massive lessons are the hardest. You've been through so much already! So proud of you for writing that email. Rarely does someone like this respond to grace and standing up for oneself - except in anger because he can't handle this part of you - so don't expect one but know that this was for you, not him. Make all of these little victories for you, not him, not anyone else. Our daughters and sons have a way of seeing things we won't. Glad you have her. You don't need to be anything except what you are. Much love to you.
Thank you Jane. It turns out I went through one more round that ended two weeks ago. This time I am making myself walk through that fire of letting go. It is not easy. But every time I look at the situation, it's just so clear that I was not treated the way a person who loves you would treat you. I sometimes question how I contributed to it. But then I remember that it wasn't just this one time. It was over and over for two and a half years.
So, people out here--men and women, because I have a guy friend in the throes of this with someone he is dating--we are worth more. I know that once the spell is broken I will see all this very clearly. It's about getting through to the other side of the spell, across the hot coals of loneliness. I will get there. So can you. Let's all do this together.
With love and understanding to you all.
Ginny
I have in a situation so similar to Ginny. After an intense relationship he says he is confused emotionally and needs time. I know I should just let things be and go on with my life. I want closure and want to send an email. I know that the email can go unanswered. I am so torn as to whether I just let things fade to black and struggle through moving on or send the email in hopes he responds.
End the torn feeling by making a decision that if you're going to send him an email, it's for you, not for him, Tonya. The moment you make your actions dependent on what someone else does or doesn't do in response that you have no control over, you give all your power away to him. That's the absolute worst place you ever want to be! I wrote about this here - getting closure. It's natural to need this, and so NOT natural for someone who's healthy himself to be unable to give this to you!
Ginny this helped me a lot today.. I am about to be strong and end the relationship of two years for the same reasons , he says he cares and loves, but the reality is I am left feeling emotionally alone and unsupported, coping with providing for us, caring for dementia mother and he feels no sense of empathy or concern even when he sees me on verge of collapse . That’s not love , how can we be so giving and kind and it mean nothing to them, like we just don’t matter. I have to be strong today and end this, I know I deserve better and I know he will never see or accept how selfish and unkind he is to me. It breaks my heart but surely a kind hug, or word isn’t too much to look for from the partners who say they ‘care’, no more .. feel so sad I gave so much emotionally and financially for it to mean nothing , that is the hardest to accept as I couldn’t ever do that to anyone x thank you for helping me be strong today - Fiona
Hi Fiona,
I so very much understand what you are saying. It is not love. In my case, he had a childhood that lacked love or predictability. It led him to need to be self-sufficient. To not count on anybody or have anybody count on him. He knew this about himself. The problem was that he never did the work to try to push through it and have a natural, connected relationship. They aren't inherently bad people. I get that. But that doesn't mean they won't hurt you over and over again. I don't know your person's story, but I bet it shares similar elements.
If you saw my note above, you'll see that I caved. It just took one sincere apology for hurting me for me to come back. And of course the same stuff happened again. Different day, but same general "this just doesn't seem right" feeling.
So let's pull through this together. You can do it, and so can I! (And so can everyone out here.) Sometimes we need a running start to really clear this hurdle.
With love,
Ginny
I have just walked away from a man that was caring, considerate and lovely. We had great chemistry and still have. BUT it was clear he was not showing up to a real relationship. Something sad inside him that made he unable to put a label on US and be committed. We have both struggled with the break up now 2 months but finally after 2 days we have had not contact!! It hurts like hell be this article is so right.... I have not lost him as I never really had him. I could easily call him and slip right back there to what it was..... but that is not enough. Great article and so very true. I am worth more than he was offering and want more in a relationship...
Hey There,
This is my first time trying to date someone who struggles with showing his emotions. We dated for a month and he just up and decided to text me that he didn’t see us being compatible. We talked about it in person two later. Got some closure but no reasons were truly given as to why he didn’t see it working out in the long run other than he’s looking for something specific.
I started to really fall for him and was going to ask him if he wanted to get serious and enter a relationship that weekend but he ended it that Monday before I could even talk to him about it. I feel lost because he was someone I was really able to open up to and get past some hard barriers that were created because of some bad experiences. I feel like I’m in love with him and I know that’s way too soon and I feel like an idiot. I want to confess how I feel to him but I know that’s a bad idea at the same time. But I’m also thinking what if I do, would he give us a second chance?! He left last week.
We are going to try and be friends down the road but how does one get passed the feelings to accept even being friends especially when we were pretty intimate with each other. However I was always afraid I wasn’t good enough or met what he was looking for. We had a lot of fun together and there was no indication that he wasn’t happy being around me or enjoying himself.
A little perspective too is that he’s the first guy I’ve had serious feeling for in some time. The last guy I actually called bf was 9 years ago. So, I wanted to try dating again and met him. I’ve dated a couple other guys but they just ended up feeling wrong. With him it felt right but something I also wasn’t allowed to have.
This guy was everything I wanted in a guy and more. I just don’t know how to move forward to be friends with him and keep myself in check.
Any advice is most appreciated.
Run. I know it sounds harsh, but cut yourself some slack — you did nothing wrong and I’m sure the fun and connected times you had together were real, he just isn’t capable of accepting the depth of a true connection. So, save yourself years of heartache and move on. Don’t take it as a blow yo your ego or anything. He’s just not available. He shouldn’t be dating anyone if he’s behaving like this.
My ex and I dated for 3 years. I should’ve left him 100 times Because of his hot & cold narcissistic attitude. I’m even still seeing him because of corona And I feel lonely. But mostly, I feel like a clown.
I spent 3 years with a man who I thought was amazing. sociable, funny sorta handsome And the best fun we had the most incredible adventures
Talked I out our amazing future he had gradually moved in with me and rented out his house 3. 1/2 hours away went back every week for business and stayed with a friend
BUT that gut niggle was always there
Phone off at night texting then closing Phone when I came near
disappearing to answer work calls
NEVER added me on Facebook even cut me out of pictures when posting with single as his status
Turns out Addicted to serial cheating totally unavailable
When I told him I couldn’t go through this again (he cheated precious year but begged to work it out) he just said ok and that was it no empathy no loss nothing. Just like I had told him we were out of milk
Turns out there were many many women vulnerable single mothers mostly he would travel 2 hours to spend a night then it would fizzle out over period of a couple weeks. It’s been 6 weeks and I still cannot believed what has happened how could this all have been a sham?
No empathy, no loss, nothing - and that, Lynne, is how you know who he is. Heartbreaking.
Hi Rachel,
A month of your time has been given to someone who never really appreciated all you had to offer him. My advice- move on, don't try to be friends because all it does is prolong the pain and keep the hope inside that he'll change his mind. I've been there and I know first hand that trying to be friends only made it harder to let go. He comes out the winner because he has exactly what he wants.
So sorry that this happened to you but I hope by the time you read this you will have realized, moved on and hopefully be with a man who appreciates you and is giving you what you need.
Much love,
I’ve been married to an emotionally unavailable man for 40 years. I felt something “ off”, even while dating, but thought that I could have love enough for us both. After loyalty, love, pleading and trying to make him see the worth of a connected, reciprocal relationship, he’s still locked up in his emotional box. In my experience, these men never want to change. Ever. Much moodiness and irritation, distancing, but I’ve lived for the funny and charming times. He’s not a bad guy and is a great father and friend to others. I have a “dream” life, materially and with family. I am so thankful for this. Still, my heart feels dead and it’s damaged my health. How would I leave after all these years, 3 grown children, our life together? I don’t want to hurt my children.
I’m just resigned to living one day at a time.
This is long, but I must tell you all that the price I’ve paid for what I thought was genuine love and a forever future has been too high. Thanks for listening. Love and especially respect yourself first.
Always, Sara. ❤ And for what it's worth, they don't have to be a "bad guy" - indeed, few are - to be less than a "good guy" for you. Of course you know this well. Is there a way to find more space for you - I've had to learn this, too That even living the life, souls like ours need space to be, and I know you share my heart. Stay with me here. There's more to life than this and we learn to find it less in the black and white and so much in the gray. My heart goes out to you, sweet soul. Yes, how do we do this except we always find a way!
Sara, thank you for your comment. My second time dating the same emotionally unavailable man has left me feeling broken and questioning my worth. When he came back he said all the right things, and even did them for a time. But quickly it turned to his selfish desire taking priority all over again. He’s not “bad”, like you say.. he wouldn’t be disloyal or really hurt me in a horrible way, but on the daily he is irritable, easily annoyed, and gives me affection only when he wants to. If I ask something of him he questions if I’m trying to be controlling. I am extremely passive with him and have never raised my voice to him or sworn even in an argument. I can’t argue with him. A small question of “hey , is This minced beef for the tacos?” Results in “yeah it is,, why ? Is beef not good? What are you saying?” And me having to defend “it’s perfect just asking if this is what it’s for” followed by an hour of strange tension where he now feels “hurt & tensed”. Its unacceptable behaviour. Even something like him suggesting a movie to watch and me saying “I’ve seen it, would you mind us picking one we haven’t seen?”, doesn’t matter how sweetly I say it,.. if he complies with my request, he pulls back & becomes stone like. He will watch the movie but it wasn’t HIS choice so, he will only have minor fun.
It’s sick and twisted. He used to be a little more open to being more relaxed, but not much. However since I began to ask for direction in our relationship, he has removed a lot of romance. The relationship to me is dead. And reading your comment shows me that perhaps him being scared to commit is actually a blessing for me.
Stay strong Sara. And leave him If you feel dead. You deserve More.
This hit home for me. I dated someone for 7 mos. He came on strong in the beginning and then withdrew as soon as I let my guard down and started to lean in. He said all these wonderful things and then put those very words in my mouth to use as an excuse for why he felt “pressure” in our relationship. The things he said he loved about me in the beginning became the things he felt uncomfortable with at the end. Total mind f*#*. The reality is that he was OK with everything until I started speaking and having an opinion. He was hyper-focused on himself and could care less what was going on in my life. All that mattered was that he get his needs met. In the end, he was cold, mean, and not even a friend which was followed by just going silent. Its been just under 6 weeks since I blocked him. There has been alot of pain and processing and self blame. The beauty is, that as the days have gone by, I’ve leaned into my support group of lady friends and I have reached a place where I’m sooooo done. I read that they come back. He will never get access to me again. I’m so grateful to have found this article with its comments. Chin up, this too shall pass. ♥️
Wow. This sounds so similar to me. This person would convince me I was “needy” asking for too much, too soon. That other women were fine dating for months without a title. But then he would turn around a week later and come back - saying he was scared and he needed time. It was constant ups snd downs. Highs snd lows. I knew it wasn’t right and started to vocalize some of those things and figured we would have a conversation soon. Out of the blue he calls and says he had lunch with an ex and he wouldn’t have done that if things were 100% with us. Yet just two weeks ago he texted he knew I was the woman for him.
I feel like he was worried I was going to end it or starting to call him out for his behavior and instead of talk to me he just moved on.
I know it is the right thing for me, my friends couldn’t be happier as they never liked anything they heard but I’m hurt.
He brought me into his life, our kids met, I met his friends but I never reciprocated. I said no to bringing him to my parents for Christmas and he said he would have gone.
3 days after Christmas he ended it completely out of the blue. No lead up conversation or anything.
He just says he wasn’t there with me. But everything he did and said up to that he was?
The more perfect you are, the more conflicted he'll be until it ends with no warning at all. Wasn't you, Lindsay. He's done this before. That's why from the beginning he projected this onto you, making it about you being "needy". He's the one with the unmet needs and tragically, all he knows is to project the lack of having those needs met onto you by trying to shame you the way he feels the shame if he'd stop and allow himself to feel anything at all. He would have gone. He wouldn't have done that if things were 100% with you. I meet men like this through the women I work with all the time. They put this on you to avoid having to take responsibility themselves. I've seen how this ends; you can't have a real, give and take, authentic relationship with someone like this!
I was with someone for almost 2 years. I had a gut feeling he was wasting my time and I said it once at our 6 month mark which turned into us breaking up but i begged him back pretty much before he left. He returned a month later saying he’d taken me for granted and that things did take time like i said so we got back together. I thought things were going good up until my sister passed and he wasn’t there for me. I never meet his parents and that started to annoy me as well so I’d bring it up and he’d give me the go around. I started to be very insecure due to comments he’d make on my weight, the way I dressed and my teeth. I would literally let everything slide up until we started having small spats. He would say ‘I just don’t feeling anything’ and i would try to convince him and myself that it would eventually happen if we connected but we never did. We were gonna move in together and sign a lease but i asked to meet the parents and it went down hill. He said he didn’t feel as much as he used to for me and that was the reasoning behind not meeting his parents. Ended it by saying he was wasting my time and that it didn’t make sense for us to continue to be together if the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It’s been 3 months almost and he has a new partner or is trying to make something happen with someone new. I am devastated. It seems like he genuinely likes her and he shows her off which he never did with me, it breaks my heart to feel like he will fall for her which he never did with me. In the beginning I saw those red flags and I let them be because i figured he’d work on things like he said he would, unfortunately all it lead to was so much heart break. I keep questioning why, why me. I loved him beyond everything, i would’ve done anything for him like i told him but i never felt the same from his end. It’s so upsetting to see him move on so quickly and do everything for the new girl he never did for me, I’m sure she’ll be moving in soon to the apartment I helped pick and I was supposed to live in with him. I don’t understand to this day how I didn’t mean anything at all to him, it hurts so bad
Thank you for your honesty Sara. It answered a nagging question for me. Your comments about the value of a reciprocal connected relationship resonated with me. I just found out my ex- emotionally unavailable bf (and HFA) is living with someone. We were together 3 years and when the plan of moving in together was at the doorstep he told me he doesn’t see himself living with anyone ever again. He was married and then lived with someone for 3 months only to realize it wasn’t going to work for him. I left the relationship accepting what he had said, and that it wasn’t what I wanted for myself. It sucked but I knew more damage would be done by not honoring my self.
Looking back I think it lasted so long because as long as I wasn’t living with him I would never realize the extent of his drinking. I’m pretty sure he knew if I had known I would leave. So now apparently he is living with someone and it really hurts. Of course I started to go down the rabbit hole that he is different and loving with her. (and not an alcoholic). Your insight is helpful because it is proof that I dodged a bullet and he is with her who he is, period. Perhaps she drinks with him and he can be more himself, I don’t know, but at least I see living together (or marriage) doesn’t change them and their ways.
I wish you a lot of luck and future happiness.
Thank you
I was with my ex for over a year and we made a lot of plans. Sadly we had one fight were I couldn’t hold back anymore and told him a lot of my feelings- about how I don’t see our relationship as a partnership but more of a companionship- anyways after a week of our fight, he just asked to meet me to break up and following day brought all my stuff from his place to mine, no explanation except “its over, don’t think this will get fixed as I will never ever come back to this relationship”. After 3 months he has a new gf and he continued all ‘our’ plans but did it with her.. the countries we were going to travel, places we planned to visit, going back to his country to meet his family.. I thought after over a year after break up I am already fine but seeing photos of her with his family and friends back home made me sad today.. 🙁
It hurts doesn't it? After a year it still stings in my life...
When I let it. Know that you're not alone.
If I might make one suggestion? Don't look at those photos because they only make you hurt all over again. It's like repeatedly lifting a bandaid to look at the wound beneath it and being reminded of how you got the wound.
My ex doesn't spend one second thinking about me so I need to stop reliving the hurt. It serves no purpose in moving me forward.
Whether it's photos or bandaids, WE decide to look and relive the pain. How 'bout we stop doing that to ourselves and forget about them? I'm in. Are you? I hope so. 🙂
Fantastic article. Going through this now. We broke up a week ago, but.... we're going to see each other tomorrow and to be completely fair, probably going to continue seeing each other for a tiny bit because of corona... there's nothing else to do & we do love each other. Together for 3 and a half years, that's a long time & these are hard times. I've known he was emotionally unavailable for a long time but about 6 months ago I became a lot more confident and started telling him exactly what I want. He can't deliver, it's clear. This week I felt rejected. Why did he mention marriage, kids, a dog, a house, moving in, traveling more, etc. if he wasn't into it? Was it something i'm lacking that made him ultimately not commit? No, I don't think so. I have my fault for sure, but I'm supportive, loyal, smart, attractive and modest (besides this comment). Nothing is a dealbreaker about me, I'm sure. I know who I am and what I want. I know what I can give and it's a lot, I give a lot.
I am a bit conflicted about continuing seeing him for a little because of the stigma but I'm not really scared.
"Be brave enough to walk away." You'll know when it's time to do this.
You’re so right. Still seeing him regularly but the feeling is fading fast. I have started to really realize the value in love. Real love that is selfless. I’m in something very selfish, or rather I was. The break up was good. I wouldn’t have had a happy life with him. I don’t know if he will ever change. Probably not. The way he snaps on me when I’m being totally non confrontational at all Is not normal. He thinks I’m always trying to control. I’m not. Ever. He has full freedom to do what he wants and , trust me, he does.
As I mend my broken heart, I find myself wondering if my ex BF was EU or had a fear of commitment. What's the difference between the two besides they both hurt? Is there a difference or are they the same?
Please share your thoughts. Thank you.
They're the same thing, Marie. Their emotional unavailability keeps them from having to make a commitment and their fear of commitment keeps them emotionally unavailable. For you, if you're looking for a real relationship, all that means he's not on the same page as you unless he's willing to look within and deconstruct how he got here to do anything about it. Not yours to take on!
Same thing, darling 🙂 both hurt but I agree with Jane. Not ours to take on. I tried, it still didn't work out.
Similar story to many here, though we only dated for around three months and were only officially together for two weeks. He was charming, outspoken, affectionate when we were together. Pursued me hard and I was unsure I wanted a relationship, so I was initially reluctant. But I fell for him hard and fast.
The red flags started pretty early. He barely ever had time for me and didn't put much thought into our dates. I was the one who always made the effort. The more frustrated I would get with him, the more he pulled away. He could never face my emotions, he would leave me feeling hurt and unresolved and refuse to acknowledge them. Which only made me feel hurt and resentful.
He also was never 100% present with me, would start texting friends during our dates. He was always texting me to the point I got stessed out by it, I had to ask him twice to text me less often. He had no respect for my needs or boundaries.
The last straw was on Valentine's day when he said he was too sick to see me, then when I texted him to check how he was feeling he said he was at his friends house playing board games and couldn't understand when I was furious.
I was so confused by how he treated me during this relationship, because he would look at me with great affection and seemed initially to care but the moment we were together he went cold on me.
Reading articles like this have helped me understand it wasn't my fault. He isn't capable of being in a healthy, emotionally intimate relationship or supporting another person.
My heart is still broken but hopefully this can help me move on.
I experienced essentially the exact same thing. Breaking up did us a favor. You may not see it now but you will. ♥️
For 2 and a half years I believed I was in love. He made me feel like I was on top of the world. And we had known each other since being 17. There were little niggles that gradullay crept in like the amount of alone time he needed or couldn't seem to spend with me, but then he didn't really like me spending time away from him with my family or friends. The comments about me supposidly cheating. Constantly blowing hot and cold. Feeling like i could never do right and that my thoughts or feelings never mattered. So I did try to end it last year, but then things improved. We were in the process of buying a house, he even told his young children we were getting married. Then I had a family bereavement at the same time as going on holiday (I went with my fathers blessing). He just completely cut off and was not there for me at all even while I was grieving.
After I returned from my holiday and before the funeral he ended it with no real explanation, pulling the rug from underneath me. So I'm utterly devasted, still grieving for the family member and the relationship I thought I had. This all happened within the last 3 weeks so it's all still very raw.
However this is the best post I've read about EU. And is now helping me to think differently in what is a difficult time. Thank you.
I went back to my ex a year after we broke up. This was after I did some pretty huge psychology work. I felt that my part of the errors made needed mending. I needed to give it another chance just so I could actually look back with the knowledge that I had done everything I could in the relationship. After a great 6 weeks or so, the same cracks started to show. Him working 6 days a week, breaking promises to see me, canceling at the last minute, never revealing where he lived, never meeting any of his friends, never going on a date but just coming to my house for sex.
I recognized the pattern, I spoke to him about it and communicated my needs, clearly. I expressed my developing feelings for him, and my desire to move the relationship o to the next level. He went silent. He got angry at me. He ghosted me. So I did what I needed to do in order to keep my dignity intact. I demanded a proper date, with a meal, sharing time together that did not include sex, and asked for his address. It felt to me that this would actually show his commitment to the relationship. I emphasized that if he could not do this, I needed to walk away. I then added that I would not contact him until he came back to me with an answer.
Two days after this, he came back to me with texts, photographs of his birds and casual banter.
Realizing he was giving me crumbs to reel me back in, I asked him straight out if he had an answer for me. That I could not be his "buddy". To let me go, and let me go with decency that I deserved, with a proper breakup.
It took him a while, but he did. He apologized for his short comings and admitted that he was incapable of a relationship with anyone.
I'm hurting, because I allowed this, I have allowed people to treat me like this.
The difference is, I'm walking away with pride and self love for the very first time in my life. I loved the times when he was present. I hated the times he was not.
I now know that I have done everything I possibly could and he will not change.
As I move forward to the rest of my life, I know. I know for the first time in my life, that I love ME, that I deserve that love and I have closed the door for good on abuse.
No more.
I hope that maybe this will also be a wake up call for him. I wish him all the best. I don't hate him, maybe I will tomorrow for being capable of deception, unconscious as it was.
♥️♥️♥️this. You are amazing.
I needed to read that and these comments are very comforting. I’m totally in love with my EU ex and I HATE that I needed to cut him off but it was killing me never getting any true emotion from him. We would text and talk several times a day. He was always transparent with his whereabouts. In the beginning he struggled a lot to share his time with me but whatever he gave me I surely took. The last year we got closer than ever. Went to spend time with my older sister on a weekend getaway trip. Driving home he snapped and told me it was way to much like a “relationship” and it was overwhelming. I cut him off for a month and when we reconnected everything was way better. Spending way more time together and even started saying “I love you”. We spent Xmas and NYE together and one NYE we finally became my boyfriend. I was over the moon!! That last 4 weeks before he said he felt smothered and I needed to get a hobby so I had other things to do than focus on him. That crushed me!! So the last few weeks we have had space and I know I can’t go back. It will never be more than this, I know, but the pain in my heart of thinking of never seeing him again hurts so so bad. And every time I think about how little he cares that I’m done, kills me even more 🙁
He's incapable of more, Synthia. Don't make this about you. Your worth isn't measured by this man: he simply has lines he isn't able to cross and the drive to stay where he is, is stronger than the drive to cross over. Regardless of how this feels to you or what you would do for him. That's the part we have to change - thinking he's like us. Honestly, you're stronger than he'll ever be so unless you can structure your life 25% him and 75% everything else that makes you happy and emotionally fulfilled, you can't pretend you can do it and you'll only build up so much resentment you'll end up going between hating him - and yourself - and still loving the potential of him. So can you see now why you deserve more than a life like this?
Hello. I’m so glad to have found this site. All your comments are helping. I’m still hurt and confused and want answers so badly.
My bf of 10 months seemed perfect for me. We had a connection had fun times lots of cuddling chemistry etc.
His past was a red flag though I ignored them all. His ex wife wanted a divorce “out of the blue” Said she was bi Polar. No I don’t think she was he was EU. And didn’t have a clue. His ex gf lasted 3.5 yrs and they never got to talking about living together or marriage. She ended it with him saying needed passion and communication. He hasn’t had many lasting relationships. He is loving with his brother nephew and son (once in awhile) He said all most of the women broke up with him and he thought I would eventually too.
Anyway, he’s never talk to me never inquire about me or go to any depth. He was introverted not many friends and many times I hated to go to dinner cause I had to carry the conversation which was always surface. We would watch Netflix a lot. He loved tv tv tv tv. Then his sons video games. He’s 54 yrs old! We’d sit in car in silence at times. Or he’d put a book on tape to listen. Also he likes to only text. At times he’d call for for a specific reason. He told me in beginning “I like to only text”.
He ended it 3 weeks ago I was shocked. Cause he still had actions like wanting to see my each wknd and one weekday when I could. And he’d hold my hand kiss my hand rub my back kiss me kiss my head etc. I thought these were love actions.
He also had told me 4 months ago that he wasn’t sure why he couldn’t say he loved
Me yet. (At 6 months). We had a talk and he begged for me to give him a pass. He wanted me and was sure we’d or he’d grow to love feelings. He did say he may be depressed cause his job pay cut -his living situation he hated it. He was missing his home in marriage (but not the wife) he drank a lot too. He was boring lots of the time abd sometimes I felt I should end it but I liked him a lot.
So now he told me when ending it”I’m afraid I’ll cheat on you “. !! And that someone from his past contacted him and he was thinking about it!!! I am not bragging here but I am a good catch and he just dropped me ! I don’t get it. He even got me nice xmas gifts and went to church with me. (He doesn’t like it though). Then a month later he ends it. (Terrible New Years we did nothing) I was upset for our first New Years together.
I just need some answers why end me and go for some Unknowns when he even told me I checked off all his boxes he wanted in a Woman. I’m mad at me too for taking all that stuff. Hurts so bad. Pls anyone have tips answers advice. Thank you
Hi Jennifer,
I recommend the book "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter, it will answer many of your questions! It's an older book but it helped me a lot.
Thank you. I’ll look into that:)
So glad these comments are helping, Jennifer. Ironically, it sounds like you were too perfect for him. Think about it; if you checked all of his boxes, that would mean he couldn't keep lying to himself about why he couldn't sustain a relationship! Most of these men are little boys, stalled at their emotional wounding, so if you want to try to relate to them, start there. It's not you. It's the dynamic between the two of you and until that changes, nothing does!
I just don’t understand why he likes his ex so much and he didn’t get to that point with me. I felt like I was competing with her. Her pics still on his fb and none of me. Said he wanted to wait little longer for us to do fb. I was an idiot. It’s just a case of what does she have that I don’t ?
And I ask myself why he’d rather end us to be alone. ? I promise I’m not a bad gf!:). He even said he was so confused about ending us and was losing sleep over it and said he could be making worst mistake ever. I just don’t understand.
You're not an idiot, Jennifer, you just wanted so badly to believe him and take him at his word.She didn't get what's yours. She didn't take away your value, your worth. Don't do this to yourself. It's our programming that insists on seeing it this way but without that, we'd see ours is still coming - and find peace in accepting what is, not what we think it has to be because someone said it does. Take your power back, hold your head up high! YOU let this guy go because you didn't want to be with someone who isn't capable of seeing the value in you!
It does sound like he's on the autistic spectrum I'm afraid and sadly you will never change him. I know this sounds harsh but certainly a lot of what you say soundS familiar. Aspergers men are typically EU and appear thoughtless and uncaring, they're not all like Rain Man, often they have subtle enough traits to just be thoughtless, unemotionally available pri***. I got out of a marriage with one and stupidly entered another relationship with an EU man, who I have also now left. They can make you feel as if you are going mad in your quest for emotional intimacy, and he probably did drive his ex-wife to the point of madness where she did exhibit bi-polar characteristics. I can tell you now THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. EVER. Run, run and run some more and make sure you never get involved with men like this again.
Good luck, we're with you.
And I can't tell you how many of the women I work with who've experienced exactly this, D. The number of times we end up having a conversation that includes mention of the autistic spectrum or aspergers specifically has led to me conclude there's more than a coincidence here. We're all with you!
I have just ended a 2 year relationship with a man I loved with all my heart.
During this time he perpetually leaned in and out and I was in a constant state of anxiety about whether he wanted me and if the relationship had any future. He would say he loved me when we were together but often it was as though I didn’t exist inbetween dates as texts were few and far between and calls non existent.
When we were together it was absolutely blissful and we had such a wonderful time together. No arguments - just tenderness, laughter , romance and fun.
However, the entire pace of the relationship operated on his terms and I turned myself inside out compromising and hoping he would one day love me as much as I loved him.
He ended the relationship several times but I took him back every time as I recognised him as an avoidant and just hoped he would need more time and love to feel safe enough to reciprocate.
The straw that broke the camel‘s back was a month ago when I needed big surgery and he was nowhere to be seen and gave no emotional or practical support.
I knew then I would never matter enough to him do it was with a heavy heart and much sorrow, I walked away.
I long for him still and the wound is raw but I will never, ever go back.
Oh wow. You just told my scenario. My therapist said the worst thing I could do is walk away from an emotionally available man because that only reaffirms to him that he’ll get hurt therefore, never get close. I’m suppose to slowly show him by rewarding when he opens up a bit more.
I have made baby steps but it’s taking too long. I’m 44 and don’t have time to “raise a man”.
get a new therapist and dump the boyfriend. if he cant distinguish between your good intentions worthy of an open man and a controlling/selfish woman not worthy of an open man, then that's his problem. not yours. I spent 3.5 years with a man trying to do this. I told him i felt i was always auditioning for him but i was done because im damn good. he said he knows and im right. that hes been taking me for granted as he cant decide on anything in his life (me, friends, family, job, etc.). hes got a great job and friends but theyre never good enough... always looking for a new job but never GOING for it, always looking for new friends but never ENGAGING anyone or watering the plants he has.
i said no stop, either you give me this list of things i need in a partner or not. he said he cannot... that hes looking for something without attachment or expectation but with someone he can be with long-term and will support and care for him. i said good luck, im not that passive girl and if he does find her, shes going to be boring and insecure.
I was just dumped out of the clear blue 3 weeks before we were due to close on a house together. He was all in, telling all our friends that we were going to grow old together in this house. My parents and friends thought I had found a perfect partner, supportive and handsome, a great job, socially capable, all the things.... And then a week before Christmas he dumped me saying he knows I am only with him until something better comes along and that he doesn't like who he is around me. I have never felt so lied to are discarded in my life. I was not looking for anyone else.... I was 100% committed. I knew he had issued dealing with emotional content, but I guess I just hoped that if I kept working on my own self, going to therapy and being tolerant, he would learn to love in a deeper way. But no.... He jumped ship. Exited the storyline. He has said maybe 3 sentences to me since that night (we lived together and I had to find a new place to live within 2 days, he completely fucked me up financially with this.) I was on his health insurance and phone plan... On all his credit cards. He told me that a part of him will always love me and the he dipped out, gone. I have never been so shocked or confused in my life. I know I have to get past this.... But, I feel like it will always hurt.
Hi Beth,
I am so sad to read your story tonight. I cannot imagine how disruptive and confusing this has been for you....not to mention the heartache. We can't begin to know why people do what they do especially when their behavior doesn't match the end story. I can only say that it will hurt for awhile and you may never get the. explanations you want or need to make sense of this.
I dated a man for two years and couldn't understand his inability to exhibit or form a deep emotional connection to me. It puzzles me to this day, and still hurts a bit after all these months.
My best advice is to not blame yourself; to grieve, feel the pain, and at some point figure out what lessons you learned from this. My favorite mantra these days: I didn't know then what I know now and here's what I learned.
Take care of yourself.
That was beautiful, Marie. Thank you. Of course it still hurts for you, too. We don't get over these men easily. But at some point, we see them for who they are and we understand why them and why you.
It always feels like it was always hurt, Beth. It won't. And no, you don't have to get past this right now. Be with it. Don't hold yourself to someone else's timeline. You didn't get here overnight, it won't be overnight that you get over him either. Sure, a part of him will always love you - the same part that will always remember what he couldn't get to because of him, not you.
That’s a predator. He’s not a run of the mill EU, it’s something much more malevolent than that. He’s an abuser through and through. He set you up to be both emotionally and financially devastated, because men like that delight in pulling the rug out from under women. My ex is like that. Financial abuse is the first pillar of domestic abuse, and more often than not, it’s done by legal means. Get you signed on to financial obligations and leave you holding the bag, or (like you describe) have you on their accounts so they can remove you from them at will, while requiring you to have your whole life reorganized within days of him blindsiding you. These are the same guys who a generation ago used to get away with beating women to a pulp. Now that is no longer something they can so easily get away with, they’re changing up their tactics. Don’t give that freak even a backward glance, he’s not worth the power it would take to blow him to Hell.
This is all too real for me right now. 9 months of what I thought was something amazing for the rest of my life. 4 months in, he broke up with me. Said he could love someone more. I left. 2 weeks later, we got back together. I then fell pregnant. It was a stupid reckless mistake, and we terminated. It was awful. He was around for that. Then two months later, he broke up with me again. Struggling emotionally, he wasn't around. There was always something more important. He said we weren't compatible long term. Blindsided, I could hardly fathom the truth. He said and did all the right things when we were together. And right now, I grieve the loss of the baby, and him. He's abjugated all responsibility in relation to me now, and talks to me like a robot. He is empathetically bankrupt. My heart bleeds, but I have to try and move past the abortion, and this is what weighs me down. I can't forgive him for what he's done. For leaving me when I needed him at such a terrible time.
Wow this hit home. It has been nearly four months since my break up with an EU and I still find myself trying to find answers. At first, everything seemed fine. However, I distinctly remember feeling like I was alone on our second date, but I ignored that gut feeling because I was excited about the potential of the relationship (a big no-no, I've learned). As time went on, the lonliness became unbearable. I am pretty guarded and not one to rush relationships--but as I got to know him and let my walls down, he built his up. It felt like he made a point to make me feel like I wasn't important to him: He was always late, he had a million things on his list before me, he never really greeted me or hugged me hello (there was very little affection actually, and when there was, it felt robotic to me), he rarely texted/called, he barely spoke to me on our dates, he didn't introduce me to certain friends of his, the list goes on. In turn, I held back and contorted myself to fit his distant mode out of fear of being rejected by him. I am halfway to blame for these things though because I never confronted him in the moment when they happened. It was also confusing because although he distanced himself from me, there were times when he pulled me closer: asking me to go to Paris with him (shocker, we never did), telling me "Eight Days a Week" by the Beatles should be our wedding song, asking me to be his girlfriend, etc. After six months of this push and pull (and downplaying my feelings), I sat down with him to tell him how I was feeling about certain things. I did so as calmly and compassionately as I could, but he just turned off. I asked him if things would stay the same or if he could work on it, and he said they would stay the same. I then panicked and asked him if he loved me, he said "no." I asked him if he saw himself ever loving me, and he said "no." So coldly, without any explanation/apologies/comfort. So I left. Ending the relationship was not what I wanted, but I had no choice. Four months later and I just can't get over it. My mind keeps going to "he did love you! He just said that to push you away because he's scared." But my rational mind knows that probably isn't true. Even if it is, I have to tell myself that I am not some magical person who can love someone back to life. I could never have changed him. There was nothing I could have done differently. No matter what I did, it would have ended or I would have spent even more of my time in the loneliest, unfulfilling relationship I've ever experienced. I know it is for the best that we are not together, but it is still so hard. It feels like the whole relationship was just a lie. It is so validating to read through the comments and see so many other women, who I'm sure are wonderful, are going through the same thing.
Thank you for this article. I needed these words!
It's been a couple months since I officially walked away from a guy that was trouble from the start. We met online, and there was a big distance between us, so I treaded lightly at first. But we chatted every day by text with a few voice clips peppered in. He was witty, and sweet, and we had great conversations about everything. The chemistry between us was amazing and we were just chatting.
A bit later, I asked about talking on the phone. He wanted to find an app that we could use (different countries, so free that way), but then excuses came... his phone was old, apps didn't work, maybe we should wait... he might stutter!
Seriously, that was an excuse.
I put it on the back burner... we found we could video chat without audio. Very weird, but I could see him and visa-versa. We could also text and video chat at the same time. It was cute, mimeing to one another. We both had fun with it. After more time passed, I asked again about voice chatting.
More excuses.
"Let's wait until I get a new phone... I'm looking for a new one."
I waited another couple months, but then he decided to stay with his old phone.
He took me on a few 'adventures' while on video chat. A tour of his city, a walking tour during his hike. It was sweet. He'd make me quizzes. Puzzles. He was thoughtful.
But then texting was becoming difficult. I'd want to tell him so many things, but typing it all out was tedious. Or I'd joke and he'd take things the wrong way, out of context, and so would I... but we continued daily. We never missed a day of 'talking'.
Finally, I asked him for his phone number. I'd found a 4 cent/minute option to call him. He wouldn't have to pay anything. I wanted a quick phone call. Break the ice once and for all.
You'd have thought I'd asked for blood!
He went back to being worried he would shudder, or it would be awkward. At this point, we had sent SEVERAL voice clips to each other, and we were quiet intimate in our video chats... we weren't awkward there! I felt bad for pushing the issue, but advice from friends said I needed to push. This was ridiculous for a grown man to not want to voice chat after 11 months, unless he was hiding something/someone, or he wasn't that committed to me. And I couldn't be fully committed until we talked... really talked. Ya know?
So I pushed until finally at our year mark, I told him goodbye. I wrote a bunch of things out and it hurt, but I felt better afterwards... but he would continue to write. Asking if I really meant it... was I ending it for good? And I resumed contact. Because I was dumb.
I told him I needed a phone call if we were to continue talking. I told him we were friends only at this point. He said he'd think about the phone call... and a few weeks later, we were still chatting daily, but it was all surface talk.
"How was your day?"
"Weekend plans?"
It was like he was purposefully making his responses as short as possible. And then one day, he 'accidently' deleted the app we chatted on. I got a very straightforward e-mail from him telling me about this, and that he needed me to add him back on his 'new account'.
It sounded fishy, so I held off replying. He wrote a few more times saying I was ignoring him. And again, I felt bad and replied. But I told him I wasn't adding him back on the app. We could chat via e-mail until he felt comfortable enough to give me his phone number. The phone calls never came back up.
But the e-mails were a nightmare!
He used e-mail like text.
So I would get a no subject e-mail with just "Hi" in the body.
Seriously!
I finally stopped replying. He wrote a few more times, but I ignored them. They were barely one-sentence messages. It was like he'd lost all effort!
But then I felt bad again. I wasn't the type to 'ghost' someone. So I wrote one last e-mail as a final goodbye.
He's only written back once.
That was over a month ago.
Now I'm trying to move past it... Now I know it wasn't a real relationship, but it felt real.
And the thing is, he said all the right things, I felt a connection, and I wanted more. I told him I'd go the distance if he wanted to make it work. But maybe that scared him. There are so many 'maybes' in my head, because he'd never communicate any feelings. And that was a big red flag out of the whole red flag factory he was making.
Now, I am working on myself, and this article really hit home on some of the things I still rehash in my brain — the unanswered question of WHY! Why didn't he really want to talk? And that need I had to continue to push, to hope for a change... that need for him to WANT to talk to me, for him to want what we had to progress forward...
Ugh!
It makes my heart hurt.
That hurt will lessen with time.
But anyways...
Thank you!
I gave up on relationships for years , years and years. I felt I was damaged. I didn’t trust my judgment anymore. I worked through all my stuff. I thought maybe I’m ready to date again. Just for fun, or a friendship, companionship.
He was so misleading, made me feel like I could just me myself. Told me I was perfect just the way I was. He said he loved everything about me. But I always ran into this wall. He chose to be alone or to be doin f something else rather than see me. But he always said he missed me . Praised me. Offered support. But there was always that door slammed in my face. He never ever shared with me. Never opened up. I felt lonely all the time. I thought maybe if I tell him he’s loved. But he just spent less and less time with me.
I couldn’t take the rejection anymore. I point blank confronted him. He switched off all emotion and broke my heart.
Hi Karen,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is and how heartbroken you must be feeling. To take a chance and share your love with someone who cannot or does not reciprocate makes us question our judgment. But remember it's not about you. It's a reflection of him.
When I saw the word "lonely" in your post, it resonated with me because that's exactly how I felt with my ex. Lonely. Like I was with a ghost or robot or anything else but a human being.
It's now 8 months since my breakup.
Whenever I feel my mind pulling me back to my ex EU BF, I bring myself to the present moment by repeating this mantra:
I didn't know then what I know now, and here are the lessons I learned. (Jane talks about this in her article. )
You're going to be okay. Smarter. Wiser. And more selective next time. Study your "lessons" and march on.
Take care.
Marie
Hi Karen,
I am going through the exact same thing right now. It is so painful and lonely and confusing... I was single for years, did so much therapy, was in a good place when I started dating him. I felt strong and in control of my life and now I'm a heartbroken mess. He started the relationship being so generous and kind and attentive. I was very hesitant to get involved, but he kept selling. The minute I relaxed and allowed it to be a relationship he started to withdraw...and the more he did the more anxious I got. I was constantly telling myself to relax, that I was reading into things and being overly sensitive....until, like you, I couldn't take it anymore so I asked what was going on. We had a long talk, I got upset, but I thought we were going to work on it. Three days later he called me and said I can't do this, no conversation and disappeared. I had no idea this would be something we would break up over. It's been 2 weeks since then...I have not tried to contact him but it is torture. I can't stop crying and accept that he's gone. I keep reminding myself that he doesn't want to talk to me... Any advice?
This is truly the exact thing I am going through! I was single for years after a horrible 5 year codependent relationship. I dated, but never considered anyone my boyfriend because I knew that I wanted my next boyfriend to be husband potential. I finally started dating this guy. To be honest, I wasn’t all in at first and wanted to take it slow. He said he wanted to too, but his slow and my slow didn’t match up. He introduced me to his daughter, family, and extended family after a month. I was hesitant, but he was the guy I’ve been looking for so I figured I’d be ridiculous to not go for it with him. Eventually I caught up to the place he was at. He told me he wanted me to move in when my lease was up in 7 months, talked about how he is in this for the long haul, said he’d do anything for me, and would work through anything with me. I also would make sure to create boundaries and space & would sleep at my house during the week, but he eventually kept saying when I’m not with him, he wants me there.. so we fell into seeing each other daily. I would spend the night, go home & go to work, then go back over and do it all over again. Everything was like a dream though. Months of flowers, sweet words, communication, fun, and his continuous go-to phrase was that he wanted to do things right in this relationship. Well after these promises and great months, I ended up going through a bit of anxiety and depression. I knew it was cuz I stopped taking my antidepressants cold turkey due to insurance issues. I told him that I just needed a week to get back on track. I’m not sad cuz of him and told him that I need d him to ask me if I’m ok and try to be understanding. I asked him what he needed from me too. Day one he said he’d reassure me forever if that’s what I needed... but then his understanding turned into anger. He’s told me in the past that he was raised to suppress emotions... but I believed that we could be a team and get through this together. I was the one going through the depression, and he couldn’t handle it. He started distancing himself, being really mean, yelling at me, and eventually ignoring me until we finally broke up. It was something I never expected. I blamed myself and it’s sad. I felt rejected & I still do, but I need to remind myself that this has nothing to do with me. He wanted the perfect relationship & when it got even a little hard when dealing with emotions.. he ran. I do find myself super sad about the amazing times we had. I feel lonely & worry about setting boundaries in the future. I reached out twice to him since our breakup 3 weeks ago, and I got one thumbs up sign. I don’t know where the anger, ignoring, and gas lighting comes from. That is my biggest insecurity right now. Sometimes I pray for him to realize how good we were, but I do know I deserve better. I know my worth; although that doesn’t make the grieving any easier.
13 years together 10/24/19. Married anniversary 10/03/19. Seven days after our anniversary being married he left. Saying I was his dead end and that his MC would always take precedence.
Yet barely a week later, he with someone else, someone who makes him happy (not the apparent misery I put him through).
I’m falling apart and he is falling into someone else.
I’ve known him since middle school, loved him since high school. He said the same. Told me he loved me, told me we had more years together and then left. I don’t know where to turn or how to let him go. He has obviously moved on without a second thought to us. My soulmate. The only man I’ve ever felt safe with. And now I’m nothing to him, and that kills me.
Oh Amanda, you're only nothing to him if you put that on yourself. This man isn't your soulmate. Not even close. It's only the way we've been programmed around everything to do with love and soul mates and relationships that makes us believe someone who could treat you like this could possibly be given that title!
Hi lovely , my partner did the same to me after 7 years together , it’s been the hardest 6 months of my life , it does get easier , tho I still hurt when I see them together , hopefully we will both meet someone else that deserves us , big hugs xx
I have also been in a relationship with an EU, didn't realize it until I read this article. I have been a widow after 33 yrs of marriage, I retired early and was getting used to being alone the first 4 yrs of my husbands passing. My nephew by marriage lives on the property with me and his uncle would visit him, his uncle and I went out a few times but it was just a friend thing, my nephew always told me how he used women so I always kept my distance. A little over a year he came to live with my nephew and we became involved and he ended up living with me, in the beginning he was so loving to me and after about 3 months he slowly was distancing himself from me, he would with hold affection, said if I wanted a hug just to ask, he would stay on his side of the bed and said he was too hot to cuddle, he would put his hand out like he wanted to hold my hand and when I would reach for it he would say he was just stretching, it was messing with my head so much, I would mention to him that he hadn't given me any affection in however many days it was and it always ended up in an argument. I don't know why I didn't think he would use me like he had so many others, maybe it was because of the relationship i had with his nephew? So 8 months into the relationship he started an argument and it ended up with him walking out and never looking back. He has never contacted me, has moved to another state. I thought when we were together that we had so much in common but always wondered if that is just how he acts and we really didn't. It has been 7 months and I have wondered why and questioned myself as to what I could have done differently, has put me into a depression and I feel like I am always going to be alone for the rest of my life, he always had his way of making me feel I am not worth anything. I know in my head that it was for the best that he left but my heart still hurts. Sorry so long.
Of course it still hurts even when you know what you know, Linda. We have all kinds of our reasons for why he's going to be different with us. You're human, girl. It's so hard to get over men like this because we take it all on ourselves. Love doesn't mess with your head; it's honest. It feels loving, it doesn't withold or have rules around what it can and can't do. You couldn't have done anything differently; this was a guy with whom you were never going to have what he held over your head as if this was all about you!
"Sometimes you have to leave, not for ego but for self-respect."
For those of us struggling over the end of a relationship with an EU person.
Yep. He’s his fifth wife’s problem now. One of the last things he said to me was he just wanted to be alone,, wasn’t meant to be married (we were married 18 years). Said he hadn’t loved me for the past 16 years. That was my wake call. Divorce was quick (90 day wait). He remarried month and a 1/2 later. Pretty sure he’s repeating the same behavior with her and she’ll soon be yet another ex wife. I was the only stubborn one that put up with him for as long as I did. Probably the most selfish man on the planet.
"Temporary people teach permanent lessons." What a good reminder for todsy.
I’m 19. 🤞
I fell in love with my first love 4 years ago, when I was just 15.💑
My first everything. He was 17.
A year into our relationship he cheated with a girl he worked with.😓
I was heartbroken💔, but sure enough, when he came crawling back, I took him back, 🤷♀️
because of course that’s all I wanted when he was gone. #mistake😬
Since then we have been off and on. It’s always been me initiating the breakups. 🙁
But just like this article says, I never WANTED to. 🥺
I just needed to.
My heart grew too heavy after time and I started resenting him. 😠
Things would be really good for a while, then take a turn for the worst right after. A rollercoaster🎢.
I always knew I loved him. 💕
I still do.
He was my first love, and he wasn’t a horrible person.
He just wasn’t meant for me, and hurt me one too many times.
Never emotionally there. 🙅♀️
I could never be upset about something (literally anything) and talk to him about it without him making it about him and/ or starting an argument, causing the whole situation to get worse.🗣❌
He was an alcoholic and recovering addict. ✖️
He would lie straight to my face.
Didn’t matter how many times I cried to him about how badly him lying hurt me.
He just didn’t care. 🤷♀️
Didn’t matter if I already knew the truth.
He was always lying and bending the truth/ or leaving out important details of a situation.
He broke me. He really did. 😭😭
The most courageous thing I’ve ever done is walk away. 🚶🏻♀️ ⬅️ 👨
And it’s hard. It’s still so hard. But anytime I start to think I miss him I remember the pain that came with the relationship, and even though I was in a relationship, I felt more alone than I do being single!
I used to hate being alone and get terrible anxiety, but I’m learning to love my own company.
And love myself again. ❤️ 👩🏻
I know this was long and a lot to read, so if anyone’s read this far- awesome! I usually don’t like to post too personal info on the internet but this was more for a venting thing more than anything else, and if my story can inspire someone else, that would mean everything. I was completely alone during my heartbreak and it makes it 10000x worse.
So my advice to you is - don’t wait. ✋ don’t wait for him to change, he’s not going to.
Love yourself more. 💗
Be courageous.
Love yourself more. 💜
You are strong enough.
Love yourself more. ♥️
You are brave.
I know you love him.
But love yourself more. 💙
Reach out to friends and family, get a support system. It’s easier to not be alone during this time.
Remember that you are whole, you are not half.
Love. Yourself. More. 🖤🖤🖤
This sounds oh so familiar! I must have left him 100 times and even divorced him and remarried him or his potential! He always seemed to work hard after it was over and then I would fall for him again and again!
I thought I had finally met the perfect man for me. We talked about everything up front, our past, our goals for the future and we just fit. Even the little things worked. Then there was the little lie here and there that always involved other women. He is a very smart man and I realize now that deep down he never really cared that deeply. Once he was "done", he carefully calculated staying in the relationship to pay off his bills and get his kids thru school to where he could be on his own without ties. He lied and used me all while under the pretense of being this great guy to everyone and doesn't seem to have any remorse for where it left me.
Your story really spoke to me.
We have a lot in common.
Sometimes it just helps to know I’m not the only one.
Thank you for sharing!
This is beautiful, Anna, thanks for sharing.
Amen sister! Thanks for sharing! My story echoes your own even though I am twice your age.
I still love him but I need to love myself more.
I hope you had the strength to move on and that you are in a better place today.
Hi folks,
Just thought I'd share my story as a man. I've dated two EU women in a row but I will only talk about my most recent ex. She is a busy working single mum of two children aged 7 and 14. The father of those children was very bad to her. Violence, emotional abuse, controlling her bwhaviour. By all accounts a nightmare. She was taken into a protective shelter to get away from him. That was 6 years ago. It left her EU. She hasn't had a close relationship last longer that 3 months; we only got 4 months. She lacks empathy (her words), she was self centred and generally only concerned with her needs. She couldn't communicate emotions well and completely shuts down in times of conflict. All the distancing traits were there: not responding to texts or calls, me adjusting my schedule to suit her, cancelling dates at the last minute or leaving plans unconfirmed until the last minute. This is all a means of control, it orevented her from ever being hurt. If she controlled the relationship she won't get hurt again. She had covert and not so covert ways of reminding me I wasn't a major priority to her. She presented herself as a strong independant woman who doesn't need any man but would like one. This of course was all a fascade. Behind that lay a woman who had put so many walls up (she admitted this) to prevent herself being exposed to hurt.
Despite this I stayed because every now and then I would see the person behind all this and I fell for her. However slowly the distancing was building frustration and anxiety in me. Its so hard when you give so much ans get so little in return but I hoped that by providing consistant and supporting love, with an understanding of her issues, she would eventually drop those walls and be fully present.
A week before she end she became really distant. This really panicked me. I asked her what was going on from her perspective. She said she wasn't sure she had the time a relationship needs to grow and that she felt guilty when she was with me for not being with her kids and also guilty about not spending time with me. I was thinking "Why introduce me and have me bond with those kids! Why indroduce me to your family." I know of course she was feeling the presure of now having to show up as the relationship was making its way past the honeymoon period. To relieve this I told her I understood and that she had no reason to feel guilty. I accepted she was a single mum. She seemed to accept this but I'm not sure she really did.
Unfortunately that night something happened. I was stressed from the conversation earlier, working 14 days straight and also the anxiety that had been building in me from the relationship in general. That night her youngest child was acting up. Throwing things and generally being a handful. My ex wasn't in the room at the time. The child picked up a box of chocolates that I bought my gf for her birthday. I knew she was going to drop them so I asked her to please put them down. The child ignored my request. The child then dropped them all over the floor ruining them. I was upset. At that instant it felt like those chocolates were a metaphor for the relationship; lying on the floor in peices and I was the only one who cared. I scolded the child, telling her that her behaviour was unacceptable and that she had to pick them up now. I raised my voice but didn't become abusive but was maybe a bit harsh. The child did as asked and then left the room. Unknown to me, the child went upstairs and cried to her mum. When I found out I was shocked. I immediatly apologised to the child and told her that I was sorry I got upset but that the chocolates had been a gift to her mum who I care about a lot. We hugged it out and the child was happy again.
My girlfriend completely shut down. She refused my apologies and ended the relationship the next day. I asked to talk but she completely refuses and won't even take a call. Her kids have attempted to reach out as they miss me and still no emotion from their mother.
She told me she is extremely over protective of them and I get why, given her past. However, the complete emotional shut down and refusal to deal with the situation shocked me. She seems to have painted me out in her mind as a man who shouts at kids for no reason, when nothing coyld be further from the case. I loved and cared deeply for those children.
I know I stepped on emotional landmine with my ex and I apologised for it but EU people cannot handle emotions at all. Interestingly when I sent a simple "How are you" text with no emotion in it she did reply cordially. They can deal with surface level stuff but little else.
Its been two weeks and a friend tells me she is back online dating. I believe its a move on her part to block it all out and act like nothing is wrong and that life is fine without processing her emotions or the events. They say about 6 weeks after the breakup is when they begin to process things and might actually miss you. At this stage the vacant "I'm fine" mask begins to drop. .
I do care for her but I realise that my reaction to the child was the result of bottling up all my anxiety about the relationship in part. I also realise that her reason for leaving has probably a lot more reasons than just me scolding her child given the conversation we had earlier that day.
Its just so hard to conceptualise because I believe she cared and then once she started to develop real feelings for me pulled away. That isn't how my mind is wired, but then I haven't been through what she has.
I eonder is there any hope? And even if there was hope, if we were able to reconsile would I be able to cope with my needs being second all the time? Or with takkng things slow and building trust again over a long time would she eventually open up and become available? I guess you could say I am confused...
Sorry about the long message... and probably a few typos..
Killian,
I am sorry that you are going through this pain and confusing. It's hard for sure.
As I read your post I had a few thoughts for you:
She will not change. This is who she is. No matter what you offer to her will not make any difference. It is not in your power or influence to change her. No amount of your love, patience, kindness, etc. will undo the experiences that led her to this point in time. The work to change herself is only something she can do for herself.
That may seem harsh and not what you want to hear but I ask you to ponder it.
The other thought I'd like to offer is to ask yourself if you would be happy with her knowing your needs don't get met, she demonstrates no emotional connection to you, etc. Is that how you define a loving, caring and fulfilling relationship?
I stayed with my ex for two long years waiting for him to show emotions, love, etc. Turns out he couldn't do it, doesn't know how to do it or whatever. I wish I knew what EU was during this two years but I didn't. I just thought he moved slower than me. I'm smarter now.
Don't be like me and spend two years longing for something that will never come. Yes, they will occasionally show love and maybe even say the words but don't settle for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake.
You deserve someone who wants you. Now go out and find her.
Best to you.
Hi everyone,
I had read all your post and I am grateful that I came over this page.
I apologize in advance as my first language is not English.
I went to a break-up now almost 6 months ago, and it's still hurting me every day maybe because I am not sure with who I was really involved.
I met my ex while he was still with his first girlfriend. He cheated on her and I discovered it a few months later. I was stupidly attached, so I accepted to be his option B while he was trying to get out from his relationship with his girlfriend. Thing is, this situation lasted one year. I should have never accepted this.
After one year of playing on both side, he finally took the decision to break with her.
After that I knew that it was almost impossible to build a relationship and it's exactly what happened. He told me at that time, that he needed to be alone and was not ready to be in a new relationship.
After 3 months of no contact, by the time I was getting better, he came back to me and told me that he really wanted to be with me in a relationship with me. I still had feelings for him so I let him came back into my life.
1 month later, he lost his mum and after a few months, he was struggling with work and admit later that he felt really depressed. I tried to be on his side by this time and very supportive.
Even If I knew that something was wrong after a few months like his emotional connection, we still had good times but I also felt really lonely in this relation.
It was often hot and cold with him.
After 2 years, one morning after waking up together, he told me that he didn't saw a future with me, that he wanted to be alone, and that we had too many difficulties. He told me that he was feeling better in his life and was not 100% in this relation.
I was really shocked even if I felt during a few weeks before that something was on his mind but he never told me about, was always pretending everything was ok. He was actually really good at acting with kind messages and pretending.
I reached out one month after to have some kind of closure. I just felt no emotions coming from him, like everything was perfect in his life and he told me that he didn't change his decision. I was again broken from inside. I tried to show some affection but he gave me only cold gestures. I spend a day with him and he told me things that I can hardly forget.
He said that I forced to be in a relationship with him, that he never wanted LOL he stayed 2 fucking years with me and that he would have probably cheated on me like he made with his previous ex girlfriend. He said he lost his attraction towards me.
After that, I was really depressed, I was angry towards myself, trying to understand what could I have done more in this relationship in order to be still with the person I gave so much.
4 months after, I was getting better and enjoying my holidays. He send me a message telling me he needed to get some stuff back that he had left at mine.
I replied to him and he continued the conversation via messages for one week, like nothing happened.
As soon as he got his stuff back he disappeared and never replied.
I had a feeling that he met someone else but I couldn't be sure about it.
I saw him again one week after he took his stuff back because he forgot one thing that belongs to him. I told him that we didn't need to speak, but he said he wanted to speak.
When I saw him, we decide to grab something to eat, I didn't showed any emotion and told me him about how I was making progress in building my company and told him about my travels that I really enjoyed.
He told me coming from nowhere that he got a new girlfriend since one month, how good he is with her and that they already went on holiday together and also that they are planning to go on holiday really soon again.
I was broken from inside but I decided to show nothing to him, he already hurt me enough.
But yes, I cried a lot again, thinking that I was not good enough to him and again I was blaming myself.
I made some research on the internet trying to understand why I felt so empty after this relation and how can a person be so rude with me after all the love and care that I gave to him.
I realized that he never cared about me, that he often criticized me, my family, my friends.
I also realized that he was never able to feel good in his previous relationship. He cheated on his ex, he was with her during 5 years but he told me a few times that he was not happy the last few years. I was always telling myself - how it's possible to stay so long with someone if you don"t want to. I never understood.
He also always put the responsibility on his ex when he cheated her, by telling me that she was not attractive anymore, she had no job and was doing nothing.
With what I heard, he just used her as much as he could like he used me after that until he got bored with me.
I also was wondering how it's possible to try to hurt your ex even after 5 months. What is the point to try to hurt again your ex by telling her that you are in a relationship where you are really happy ? I don't understand..
I am still wondering if he was or he is just an emotionally unavailable person with some narcissist traits because of his lack of empathy, his lack of close friends, just a lot of friends where he is faking to be a good guy. He just follows his own interest and then disappears.
I know that he grow-up without love in his family, was not raised by his mum and was never allowed to show some emotions, but I never thought that It could affect so much his behavior.
I am trying to make everything to build my company, which is still not easy because of this breakup. I think I idealize too much this person and of course I still love him but whats is the point of thinking about this person? he will never be able to love me really.
Of course, it's also killing me to know that he is now with someone else and that he is already making a lot of plans with his new girlfriend.
Sorry for this long post and thank you !
Hello, you need to completely let go mentally and emotionally. This man isn't available to anyone truly. When he cheated on his ex with you that should have showed you a lot right there. Stop wasting your time caring, he's not worth it. He jumps from relationship to relationship to feel better and fill a void. You was with him for two years. Understand there's nothing you could have done to make him stay. You'll have to pray the pain away. It works. God is good.
I've been with a man for almost a year now and the first 6 months were great. I was happy and i fell in love with him and so did he or so I thought. The last 6 months have been a roller coaster. I have tried everything I can to make him happy to be the perfect woman for him . I cleaned and cook for him even tho we do not live together. I show him lots of love and affection and support him in every way I can in his career.
He does not show me much affection unless we are about to get intimate, he does not do anythign romatic for me , hes always busy and I have to be the one to ask to see him and he says he cant more than once or twice a week. When this becomes a huge issue for me he decides he wants to break up but would like to still have contact. He has broken up with me almost every month in the last 6 months. Now we are broken up hes saying he wants to still see eachother he loves me but does not want a relationship but says he wants to eventually maybe get back together. I feel so exhausted from all this and have completely forgotten my worth and value. In need of some advice here.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I have been dating a guy for 4 months (just broke it off recently). He told me up front he’s a slow mover and doesn’t fall fast. I understood that. He was not affectionate, never romantic, and treated me more often like a friend. I broke up a couple times because of this, and he would always make promises that if I would just “be patient” it would naturally get better and grow. Reminding me he’s a slow mover. I fell for his potential!! Always banking on his potential! I felt if I could just be patient that at some point he would just relax and start being more affectionate with me. That romance and “love” would soon follow. But it’s just not who he is! And I had to realize that and accept it. I was depressed and filled with anxiety for almost two weeks, wondering if I had made the right choice. Maybe I should have waited longer, tried harder, been more patient. But I know that is not how it should be. Both people should be putting the needs of the other as their top priority, not just one person. I know I made the right decision, and appreciate this article greatly! I really did not understand what emotionally unavailable was. But now I do, and he is a classic case of it. We deserve someone who is available and ready! Someone who is excited to actively pursue the relationship! And us! You are worth it! I am worth it! Their behavior is a reflection of them, not us. Move forward with your life and Live A Great Story!!!! You get to write it! So write a good one!!!!!!!
Just the reminder I needed on this rainy day. Thank you for sharing.
I’m in the same situation seeing someone for five months very unemotionally available using lots of different excuses however he said he enjoyed me in his life but he still wasn’t sure if I was the one he enjoyed everything about me then he made an excuse it came down to my height and body shape I’m 5 foot four petite he’s used to 5 foot nine and athletic build.. really this sounds so shallow to me probably just his way of removing himself so I ended it with him and he wanted to take some time and think about it let me know and I refuse to go down that road it’s only been four days and he’s already reached out with some silly excuse he saw golf clubs in a mall.m that I wanted. I know there has to be someone out there that is emotionally available will reciprocate love.
Thank you for sharing this. Mine was 17 years by the time my kids and I prayed and fasted to get away (19 years by time of divorce.) I've been treated poorly by people for sure but this marriage has been the saddest and loneliest time of my life I think. But almost nobody knew it because I tried so hard to make things work and focus on anything positive but from the beginning this was never going to be healthy. He's one of the most covertly cruel people I've ever met. I know I can face God some day knowing I have given this marriage all but my final breath. This marriage was a husband who mocked (still does) and ignored and never seemed to see the value of me as his wife and I tried everything to be the wife he demanded. The joke is on me as I would never be enough. I just didn't know that for a long long time. I know now.
And it's okay. My kids and I are out now and healing more every day. We've learned more in this than any other classroom would be able to teach. And have already been able to help other people through/out of some of the same unhealthy stuff. God sees everything and He wastes nothing.
Thank you for this. I am four weeks out of a relationship that has absolutely devastated me. For whatever reason, this hit home with me this morning. As I read, I reminisced and realized he truly was never really there throughout our entire relationship. Like the article says, he always did just enough to keep me believing in him and in us. I struggle with internalizing my pain and grief: what did I do wrong? Should I have done more? Is it my fault? In reality, none of that would have mattered. It wouldn’t have changed our relationship one bit.
Thank you! I needed this today!
Onward and upward!!
So glad you found your way here to this today, Epiphany. You've captured the root of this explicitly - it's our own internalization of our own pain and grief. What did WE miss? What did WE do wrong? Was it OUR fault? Of course none of that would have mattered because it was never about you!
my best friends has betrayed my trust, she told my husband lies and blackmailed me to my husband, I got devastated and couldn't imagine my very own friend wanted to break my family apart out of jealousy.
I have known this man since childhood and back then I knew he was very introverted.I left and married and divorced and then was in a long term relationship that ended.We connected again at the age of 50 and he still was unmarried so we would text and when I would go to my home town we went go out and spend time together. However I noticed everytimeInwould get too close he would retreatnand even after a perfect weekend as friends when I get home and ask him something personal I would not hear from him for days .However being an RN and studied
mental health I knew what was going on so I would say you just won’t let me get to know you and rather than me be upset with you I don’t want to play this game.I might not hear from him for months and then he texts me .I keep it strictly as a friendship level as I said this is as far as we can go because you won’t let me in.However I don’t understand why he keeps coming back but sill he has said you are the most wonderful woman I know but still there is nothing I can do with that at this point.He has to address his issue
He does, Georgia. And he keeps coming back in the hopes that one of these times he might find himself actually ready for something more with you. Of course he doesn't understand this is about him, not you, and the only way he's going to be ready is by looking at himself within instead of looking at you to somehow be magically different sometime. You know exactly what you're talking about here from the mental health perspective; don't let him put this on you!
He sounds strange, he may be Gay.
I see all the messages here from ladies, talking about their ex boyfriends. I just wanted to bring in my story from the male side. I was with this girl, who ofcourse is very nice and a great person, but was very unavailable emotionally. She would have her moments in which she would try to show care, but those moments were very limited and I suppose I was always fighting and bending over backwards to get those moments. But as soon as those moments passed, she would always have doubts about the relation and me. Ofcourse this was a cycle that went on for months. I was ofcourse not perfect, but at least I gave my 100% to it.
I wish I knew it in advance, but that is the beauty of hindsight. She finally did end it last week, and it indeed has been very devastating, I am beginning to realize how bad it was but does not change the fact that it is very painful. The only thing that bothers me is, my 100% was not enough, but, I guess I need to internalize the fact that, it has got nothing to do with me, and depends completely on her mental space and emotional availability.
DD,
Thank you for posting. I am sorry about the end of your relationship. It stinks. It hurts. It makes us want to cry. It makes us wonder what we were doing with them knowing deep down something was amiss. Then we wish and hope far too long, and that deepens the pain. We sometimes do things we later, with the gift of 2020 hindsight, realize would not be normal in a loving relationship. I've been there and so have others.
Please scroll down to read Michael's post. He has some insight and reminders that may help.
It may take months to heal so be patient with yourself. You'll want to question every action and word but at the end of the day she wasn't right for you.
You deserve a mutual loving relationship. Count your blessings that you now know the signs of EU and can run the opposite direction should you encounter it again. That's the take away lesson I learned and will never forget it.
Take care of yourself and re read Jane's article every single day until it sinks in.
Marie
My relationship was a dream come true until after three and a half years then the unthinkable happened he had depression something I researched and fully wanted to support only he did not want to seek help then it was his feet to which I raced to the chemist to fix then it was financial problems so in which I got a better job then it was something else to everything he had wrong I was able to fix to finally the only thing I couldn’t fix my thirteen year old son and his adhd we had to go as soon as we were out an the to now I’m am just a stranger he doesn’t reply to my texts nothing leading up to my leaving date on my birthday I found endless texts to a female colleague which over stepped every line you could think heart broken full of questions desperate to have answered upon finding this I was hopeless 😩 but I feel confident that moving on is all that’s left to do.......
Always the dream come true until it's the nightmare, Belinda. Oh my heart goes out to you. This was never yours to fix and moving on is the greatest gift you can give yourself - not for him, but for you!
I had been in a relationship for a year and a half. When we first started dating, he would do everything and everything for me. He would come and support the kids I swim coached, he would come to every one of my swim meets. He made me fall in love. After that though, it began to fade. The only time we would ever be together was if I asked to be and he decided to give in. We went from nearly daily being together to spending one or two days a week together. We would argue over this and he would blame me and say I am being to clingy. Eventually, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken and asked if it could just be a break, a break to work on our own issues. He agreed but made us promise not to see anyone else during that break. The break up made me a wreck I blamed myself, cried myself to sleep, distanced from my friends. A month later we came back together and he told me he couldn't see himself being in a relationship right now. I had finally moved on and was okay with it. I went home, and he texted me saying he actually did want me back... and then said he wasn't sure. I eventually caved in and went back to him, but only as friends until he proved himself worthy. And the same cycle began again, love and affection, but once we were together: emptiness and loneliness. He would rather play video games for hours on end, cancelled our dates due to being "sick", etc. I found out during our break he slept with other woman, but I still let it go. Last night, he ended things with me again. He told me it was because of what he had done to me and it wasn't fair to me, that he wasn't mentally okay. But after telling me that, he began following other women on their social media and spamming them with likes. I have realized for a long time now, he wasn't healthy for me. He didn't care about our relationship. But still.. I keep thinking of him, crying over him, checking my phone hoping he says he regrets it. I am mad at myself for letting someone do this to me, but honestly if he asked me to come back, I feel like I would.
Adalyn,
I know how you feel...knowing in your heart and brain that he wasn't right for you but pursuing it anyhow. It's hard to be alone, and not cry, and not miss what you thought was possible with him. I've done it too. I still check my email with half a hope that they'll be a message from him. But there isn't one and likely will never be one. It's heartaching and heartbreaking isn't it? On your lowest days re read this article and all the comments to give you comfort in not being alone but to remind yourself that you deserve better than he was ever cut out for. I'm sending you virtual hugs and strength.
He's been separated for years, yet still seems to be connected to his ex, I guess because the relationship was so long - married for 22 years, but separated the last 3-4 years. I know there's no intimacy left, nor does he want to get back with her, but I think that because of the length of the relationship and his age (late 50s), that's all he knows. Trying not to take it personally, but when he can tell me what's going on in her life, yet doesn't ask me about my life, it stings a bit. Our relationship is still a bit new ( several months) & I keep thinking/hoping that with time, he'll come around, but after reading this and some of the comments, not sure if that's possible. He's pretty set in his ways due to his age & I think he just doesn't know or want to know how to navigate a new relationship. I realize it's up to him to want to come around & the problem is I think he feels like he's doing what's necessary for us, but he's not. He seems to be emotionally available for his ex (she calls constantly and he's there for whatever she needs), saying he's doing what he feels is necessary to keep his family (adult kids) in peaceful harmony. We've talked about his issues of not being there for me emotionally, but he keeps saying he's not in a place where he can be right now (he does seem to have his hands full with his kids' issues, ex, and work), that he hopes to be in a different place eventually, but can't say when that will be.
I have the exact same issue
Hi Melissa,
And you deserve much better than the crumbs he's tossing to you.
He won't change. He won't come around. He won't be there for you. If he hasn't showed up yet, do you really believe he ever will?
Be honest with yourself, and then end it because the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. And before you know it you've wasted the best years of your life and it'll be so much harder to recover. Though this seems harsh, take it from a fool who knows: me.
Don't you want better for yourself? I don't even know you and I want better things for you.
at over the age of 50
After Being in a long distance relationship with this man for 3 years after convincing him to move back to the mainland so we can be together, the discussions about the future , the planning buying a 5-bedroom 3-bathroom ,home in the town that we agreed on living in after picking out furniture did I so realise I can't live with him he didn't want me to live with him he became so distance after the purchase of a home so glad I didn't put a penny into that house just my heart ,my ideas, my planning my soul
not until I read this article that I realized what I was dealing with and all the time I thought it was me that I wasn't enough that because he upgraded his living situation he wanted to upgrade on his relationship with another now he's just unreachable now that I've walked away because this man wouldn't even give me the title that I've deserved as a girlfriend let a lone a fiance or wife that I realized what I was dealing with an emotionally unavailable commitment-phobic man and all he wanted and needed was and ego booster not a relationship
I hate to say it but any man who is over a certain age 45 to 50 never been married and don't have any children that should be a red flag people say it's not but I believe it is emotionally unavailable commitment-phobic person like the string people along is the half the attention he craves that he probably didn't get as a child he will tell you and do anything to keep you hanging on at least that's what mine didI'll give him one month and he'll come emailing me trying to connect but I won't answer I need to take care of me and think about me first and what I want
Turning to this forum to share a few things my friends would never understand but I know many here will. As mad as I want to be at my ex EU BF, I find I'm more mad at ME for letting myself be strung along...and used... even when I knew there was something amiss in the so called relationship of two years. Most recently, I feel a sense of shame about not ending things when I knew it wasn't right. I know, I know, don't self blame. My Mom raised me to be strong and independent yet I waited for his morsels to be tossed to me. The humiliation is deep.
I read one of Jane's other articles about our family of origins and how those relationship patterns carry into our romantic lives. I think I have some work to do.
Thanks for listening...and understand ing.
I'm in this situation. I know it's going to end bad but I cant bring myself to be the one to end it. I feel pathetic. 🙁
Yes, I am embarrassed for going back after him several times, thinking that my love could heal him.
Oh wow!! All this is me..
I went back to him several times thinking that he would somehow wake up and realize that I deserved to be treated better than what he was.. so stupid. I mean I’m a good person with a good heart, how can he not want to love me right.
He ended it again a month ago and this time I realized that he was EU all throughout our over a year relationship. He has emotional issues that have nothing to do with me. Just yesterday I was thinking that I’m mostly grieving the future that I thought we were going to have as I thought he was THE ONE.
The beauty is your dream is actually still available! The one IS still out there. It just isn’t this guy.
In fact, that guy is preventing you from being available to meet the right guy.
Our dreams can come true, it is just sometimes we get sidetracked by trying to make the wrong guy fit them. It used to happen to me too often.
This website and everyone’s comments helped me to let go of those guys (and then even start to just avoid those guys) but hold on to the dream. Once I could let go and avoid, I was free to meet my guy. And I did. And so did my friends when they did the same.
And so will you!
I broke up with my boyfriend 1 month ago. I fell in love with him and I was so excited to be with him. It was an instant connection right from the get go. We loved each other.
Then as the relationship progressed, he started to show his real side. He would get mad when I wouldn’t say yes to partying (said he wanted a ‘yes’ person), would belittle me, never appreciated any of the sweet gestures I did, told me he was depressed when he was drunk, would only tell me he loved me when he was drunk. I found out he was going to break up with me after an event we had tickets to so I broke up with him first. It was the hardest thing I had to do, and I keep wondering if I did the right thing. I’m just so hurt because I really loved him and he was just so disrespectful towards me. I hope I meant something to him and I hope he remembers me positively. And maybe he’ll realize how poorly he treated me.
Nicole,
I'm guessing you know the answer to your question "Did I do the right thing?" It sounds like you loved him. Ask yourself if his behavior felt and looked like love as you define love?
The first month after a breakup is the worst but rest assured months four and five get easier. You'll see things more clearly. Re-read this article daily and comments often for support.
We all deserve someone who loves us the way we want to be loved.
Learn from your experience and chart a different course for yourself.
Best to you.
I've been going through this for years. Not knowing this is how he feels. I love him unconditionally, for better or worse. I've cried so many years daily because I to want to be loved like I deserve. I'm having a very very hard time to just walk away. We've had 30 years together on and off. Of course all is my fault for everything that ever has happened along the way. Hurts by the rude remarks and feelings of I don't deserve anything. Gets mad over little things but I keep praying for him to snap out of this. He knows how I feel for him. Doesn't matter. He says nothing. Being ignored and having no communication just kills me. Not knowing why, questioning what did I do wrong. I did walk away once but I missed so bad I came back. Now I live with this heartbreak every day. I've tried everything still nothing. I just dont know how to give up and move on. He was a loving, considerate,
caring man once. All past issues that ever happened he just cant let it go. I feel so heartbroken, lonely and all I want is for him to snap out of this. He told me I need to see a psychiatrist, I have problems. Asked to go with me, of course not there's nothing wrong with him. I dont want to live life without him in it.
I know what your going through. I have been with a guy on and off for 30+ years to. I'm always upset. He lies to me all the time. He has another women that he is seeing. Spends all day with her but can only see me for an hour or two. Feel like such a fool. I need to move on with my life.
Gosh, this article came at a good time. I am really struggling so much - after a few 'unavailable' relationships, I put some serious time into myself and working through my past and my patterns. I then met someone who literally appeared to be everything i should have ever had all along. He was a brilliant boyfriend - open, committed, kind, caring and affectionate. He brought me into his life, his family, we made future plans etc. I saw ZERO red lights or warning signs (which I am very attuned to). Then, a year later, completely out of the blue, he told me he 'wasn't feeling it' anymore. He 'wasn't 100% in'.
It is so much easier, in a way, when you can look back and see the signs of emotional unavailability and perhaps know what you are getting in for. I had done so much work on myself, and felt primed to meet someone new and better. I really thought that was him. I am struggling a lot with why this has happened to me, and how to reconcile the amazing time with him that I had versus this brutal, cold and vague ending where he left so abruptly and gave me no more time or consideration.
Whilst I know i want to be with a serious, committed person (and someone who bails a year in 'not feeling it' is not someone I would want to be with) i am struggling with this unexpected blindsiding end.
I would really appreciate some guidance, advice or comfort during this time. I am an emotionally open and intelligent person, but struggling to make sense of this situation.
Sophie xx
Sophie,
Your pain and heartache are real. It's hard to reconcile what you thought you had with the reality of it today. I don't have any answers for you except to say that I was a wreck for the first month after my breakup. Each subsequent month has brought me closer to peace and acceptance. I'll never understand what happened really. It does get easier with time believe me. I read this webpage and all the comments when I need to remind myself it was him not me. Was I perfect? No. But I was 100% in. Take care of yourself and know that everyone here is rooting for you!! You deserve better and it will come to you.
Hi Marie, thank you so much for these lovely kind words. You sound like you've done the work already and come out the other side, i know i can get there too. I think all I can take from this is that I showed up as my best self and whilst I am not perfect, i was 100% in and willing to do any work necessary. He couldn't expand beyond his 'not feeling it' statement and proceeded to more or less vanish. That's not compatible for me, and working through the grief of losing what felt like an incredible relationship/person and future is something many of us go through.
I re-read these comments and they help me so much. Thank you xx
I’m literally going through the exact same thing as you Sophie right now, my boyfriend of a year completely blindsided me too, especially when he’d been so loving and wonderful the whole time we were together, and in the lead up to the break up I’d actually been getting more signs that he was really thinking about us together long-term in the future - I was so shocked it took about a week for me to start taking it seriously. Obviously I don’t know very much about your boyfriend or your relationship or you, but know you’re not alone. What’s helping me a lot is knowing and really believing that I didn’t do anything wrong, because a good partner expresses their doubts/fears and tries to work with you to resolve them instead of just acting on them. It’s also been helpful to realise that their actions only speak about them, not you or the relationship - if I’m a drama queen or bitchy or classy in the aftermath of the relationship, that doesn’t say anything about the depth of my feelings or how significant the relationship/person was or wasn’t, it just represents how I handle myself, and the same is true about his actions too. If he can’t/won’t talk about whatever he’s feeling, it’s not about you, it’s about him, which doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person, just someone who’s not ready for a committed relationship. Sending lots of love! X
Hi Cara, so kind of you for responding thank you. I was going through a low ebb this morning, and re-visited this page and article. Sometimes i really love the internet for providing the kindness and understanding of strangers..
I really appreciate your words so much - even just the simple statement of not being alone in going through something like this, because when it happens, it's truly so devastating and you feel just that - alone in the feelings of it. It's also funny how you think the situation you just found yourself in is so unique and whilst all relationships are, the feelings and endings we come up against can all be so similar. So many articles talk about all their warning signs/look back on the bad times etc, just like you we didn't have those - i'd consider it a luxury at this stage to have had some fights and clear incompatabilities! I am really sorry you are going through this too - I know people talk about the growth and gains we will make in time, but sh*t it is hard. You are clearly a very insightful, mature and kind person so you will be just fine, i know it.
100% agree with you on the fact that someone who behaves like this - who doesn't talk or attempt to work through things and then more or less vanishes (i practically had to beat a text message response out of him) says so much more about them than you. We can always hold our own power with how we knew we behaved in the relationship and NONE of us are perfect, but showing up and trying and talking are things we can be proud of. People who knew him are so appalled and baffled at this ending, but you're right - it's them, not us, and he's not a monster but he's not who i thought he was and what I need.
Sending you love from London, let me know how you are getting on! xx Sophie
Oh Sophie, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I too, have a very similar story as yours. After years of working on myself and becoming the right person, I reconnected with a wonderful man. I watched for red flags and saw none. He pursued me, was loving and open, consistent and available. It was a near perfect match! I fell in love and I let me heart completely open to him. We talked about our future, began doing a premarital book together and then he proposed. I said yes! And then he pulled away and was a completely different man that suddenly was judgmental, critical, had all sorts of problems that he would bring up. I fought back with solutions and loved him through it. I stood by him and supported him, yet he pushed me further away. It’s been a roller coaster for months, leaving me anxiety ridden, unsure, and confused. This article does shed sone light... is he really this emotionally unavailable man that this article speaks of? He is now in therapy to address his issues. He shared with me that this is a pattern of his and he wants to fix it. Do I wait?
Oh Skye that sounds awful, I’m so sorry. Experiencing such a sudden shift in affection and behaviour when all you saw were happy years ahead is an utterly devastating thing to experience. Particularly as you say, like me, the work has really gone in and you were on high alert for code-red behaviour. I am not surprised you are riding an emotional rollercoaster – are you still in a relationship or are you broken up whilst he is ‘working’ on himself? It’s very difficult to say. I think those are huge red lights, it is like a cover is being lifted off and you are likely going to have major trust and worry issues that even if he ‘works’ on this, it’s going to happen again. Someone said to me ‘say goodbye to this chapter and how you knew him, because even if he came back, it would never be the same’. It is SO easy for an outsider to say leave him. I know that. But this is belittling and critical behaviour by the sounds of it that cuts to YOU, as opposed to just being distant or scared within himself. With this period, you won’t go back to how it was and do you want to have to ride this out for more months on end to get the person back that he was at the beginning? I think you deserve better, and can get it, and I say that as someone in the midst of heartbreak who knows how hard it is to want someone who has displayed tendencies that likely wouldn’t spell happy-ever-after for me. I think you get super, super grounded in reality. Take off the rose-tinted glasses that were the days before he switched, and question what he would ultimately be like as your husband when he’s displayed tendencies like these. Let me know how you get on xx
This helps a lot today as I try to find the strength to end what I know is a uncaring EU man who cannot love or relate to the need for any affection, or concern. I have given my all for 2 years , tried so hard to understand and support him but get occasional crumbs back of kindness or affection .. I know I deserve better and my love alone for him isn’t enough , but the pain of this decision is a killer to manage, to see him not be willing to hear or consider my feelings even when he will lose me is so hard to handle .. if it was the other way round I’d bend over backwards, he is detached and cold so why even go into a relationship, I still don’t get it 😔
I finally decided to walk away from mine last night after a 12+ year friendship and being in love with him for about 10.
We never actually were officially together because everytime we got close, he would disappear or cause an argument. Each time itwas like going through a break up and he treated me like it was a break up.
He would come to me being vulnerable and we would travel and go on what normal people would call dates and I would fall in love over again. The last time he disappeared was 3 years ago, after I asked him what he wanted from me and he responded that he "didn't know how to answer that question."
After 10 or so years he didnt know what I meant to him.
I completely lost it, it was devastating and heartbreaking.
He was more concerned with how I expressed what I was feeling versus what I was actually saying.
I should have listened to the crumbs he dropped throughout the "relationship." Like when he said he didn't feel like he deserved love. When he was constantly in abusive relationships. When he would just disappear or never acknowledge his wro g doing.
I still loved him though, but reconnecting this last time, I could see that he hasn't changed, that he was still more concerned with this ego than with how his behaviors had affected me.
I wrote him a little apologizing for loosing my temper and explaining how his actions would cause my own abandonment issues to be triggered. He basically responded that he was happy I was looking for my happiness. Even though my letter had nothing to do with searching for happiness.
That's when I realized that he had no interest in how I felt and he only used my email has an out for him. As if my happiness was no longer his responsibility.
I hope he finds a way to love and be loved, but I know it won't be with me.
What a wake-up call, Jade. Just glad you could see it - and him - for what it was. We don't lose our temper for nothing. "Relationship" is right. When the light dawns on us, there's no going back again. Be proud of yourself for recognizing this was so clearly about him all along. He needed it to be!
this is my story :- 7 years ago this wonderful man that I had been friends with for 3 years asked me out on a date , it went well and it started from there , but for 6 months he would just come to mine for sex late at night and then go home straight after , after 6 months I said I had enough of this and either we are in a relationship or you find someone else for just sex , he begged I took him back as a boyfriend and for a while it was going well , six months further down the line I found out he was having an affair with his previous girlfriend , he begged forgiveness and like an idiot gave him another chance , it was going well again and we did some amazing things and holidays etc , which i mostly paid for ! He has three kids from his 1st marriage , the older one was always in trouble with the police and the middle one hates him being with a woman so was always causing trouble and trying to keep us apart , after three year we decided to move in together , he lived in his childhood bedroom at his parents and I gave up mine and my daughters home of 16 years , as soon as we moved in his kids tired to spilt us up and after nearly a year of it I got bad depression and was on really high medication , I got better eventually and while recovering he still saw his kids every other weekend from Friday to Sunday night , and every Monday Tuesday and Thursday . In December 2017 I collapsed at work , and after a month of ct scans tests etc which my friends took me to because he didn’t want to not see his kids on his days I was told that I had an ovarian cyst that was 32 cm x 26 cm and weighed 18lb and it was borderline cancer and I would have to have treatment , in the end I had a massive operation which removed the cyst , full hysterectomy , my stomach lining removed , top of my stomach and appendix and was months off work recovering , even the day I was told this he dropped me off home to an empty house to go for tea with his kids and didn’t come back for four hours , I sat at home going crazy and crying with what was going to happen to me ! After the operation he stepped up for a few weeks but he soon would leave me again and lie to where he had been etc he was and is still married to his ex wife , they have been spilt up for 10 years , never mentioned about marrying me etc then I’m September last year I finished it , he just got his stuff and went , didn’t want to know why etc ! He then begged me for another chance to make it right which I did but didn’t let him move back in , in February this year we agreed to really make this work and then 3 days before my birthday in April he said I don’t want to be with you anymore and left! The next day he said he had made a mistake , spelt with me and after said no it is over 😢he then went back to his parents again ! and then 4 weeks later found out that since Feb he has been having an affair with a woman that had nipped into his work place for a light bulb , he has totally ignored me and my daughter like we don’t matter , left his dog with me and never even asked about her !and now every lunch time she comes down to work , (we work at the same place) and kisses and cuddles him in front of me! I am heartbroken still and can’t believe how he has treated me ? Does everything think I have done the right thing ??? And at Christmas bought me tickets to see pink and took her instead and put it over Facebook 🤷♀️ Xxx
You did the right thing! He will never change and this just went from bad to worse. You deserve so much more!! Congratulations on standing up for yourself and your daughter. It might take time to heal and you might feel very tired and worn out at times ... that is just a sign of how toxic he is. But you will start to feel better and like your old self from before you two got involved! And then you will be free to meet someone who actually is responsible, caring, thoughtful, generous, and kind and who can act like an adult. You and your daughter so so deserve that! That great guy IS on his way to you!
Take some time to read other people’s stories in the comments and to later reread your’s. It will help you stay strong and committed (because this is a wonderful loving commitment that you are making to yourself!)!
Aww thank you , hopefully the right person will come along and I can show him what he lost , instead of him thinking and telling people he’s glad he’s left me for this amazing new woman he cheated me with. X
I pined after one of these men for 37 years. I kicked myself for not doing this or letting that happen. I thought all the Gods in heaven were conspiring against me when he left all those years ago. He married another woman.
When I realized he had been divorced for three years I contacted him and two dates later realized him for what he is.
All those years ago the Gods were PROTECTING me from him! His poor ex wife is a basket case after trying to deal with him. I am so grateful that isn’t me.
I realized I am just as unavailable as he is just in a different way. I have work to do and don’t really know how to do it. But I will figure it out.
Ladies, do not let the illusion of a man fool you. Know your worth and if you don’t, find it.
Me .... I swear your story hit me hard.. my sophomore year in high school (1984) ...yes. ..84 !! .. I fell for this funny , crazy, smart boy ...who would haunt my soul for all the years to come...we had to sneak around because he was black and I'm white..it wasn't so accepted back then....I ended up pregnant my Jr year (he was a senior)....my mom made me have an abortion. ...and then sent me to live with an aunt until the following school year. .We found a way to keep in touch....then he goes off to college and life happens...I marry and have a daughter...3 months later....I have a short affair with him...but broke it off because I knew he wasn't ready to settle down....14 years later....there we go again....an affair lasting a year and a half....broke it off again because. ..I felt he STILL wasn't ready....I did get a divorce....married someone else ....now guess what....I'm about to be divorced AGAIN ...and I've been seeing Mr. Peter Pan for a year now. ......I just cannot seem to move past him. ... he says he wants to marry me....I believe that he loves me...to the best of his ability. ..which I KNOW isn't going to be enough for me.... but I feel like if I don't ride this train to the end of the track I will never be able to move on. ......but .....how long is this dang track anyway?????
How did you "let him go" after all those years together? I am in the same place with a man that I have been with for over 30 years, I love him but he treats me like crap. He has another women that he is seeing.
It's been very difficult to figure out the real issue w/my man because as a soldier diagnosed w/PTSD/TBI he has legitimate reasons to have problems processing emotions, memories, physical issues etc so is it that he's a Wounded Warrior in need of support, patience and understanding or a selfish, narcissistic -sshole who will never let me in, never be a partner, never do any of the things he said he wants to and I should give up/walk away?
He did earn his BA but now won't use it. He was married briefly to an awful money grubbing woman w/a son but won't even discuss marriage w/me.
He hasn't worked since he came back from his 5th deployment 8 years ago, burned through his savings, still owes college debt (he's 46), still lives in his childhood bedroom, has no plans to move out and watched me as a single mother struggle to provide for these 6+ years w/out doing anything to help US.
He gets more out of me than I get from him but I still love him so much.
My children/family/friends all despise him and even his family says I deserve better. I know there's a loving, protective, supportive man in there but also a childish, lazy, hurtful jerk.
If he would be willing to help us I'd work w/him but I can't do it alone.
First, he should be able to retroactively use his GI Bill to cover that student loan, or at least a large portion of it, but that is the least of your concerns.
You just laid out a very long list of his emotional and physical problems that you would need to overcome to even begin a relationship with him. It's not your job to fix someone. Many people have carried very heavy things throughout their lives, and have come out on the other side, functional, at peace, and optimistic, even.
I know this hurts to hear, but he's not even attempting to be a partner to you. As the article states, you are in love with what you imagine the relationship *could* be, not what it factually is. You should tell him that you are looking for a "loving, protective, supportive man," as you have written above. Life is short and you should go find that person . He's out there.
Im in this right now and on the 3rd time he has said he is done. Last time 5 days he came back. Its been only a few days now. anyhow he is emotionally unavailable. I see that. I tried. He swooped in hard last Dec and once I caught feelings, he began the pull away 6 weeks later. So many times Ive thought its done and he comes back reeling me back in. His friends have said this is what he does. Once feelings are there he goes silent, disappears, backs off etc. He finds off the wall excuses that he's done. Hasnt deleted me as a friend on FB yet and I asked him to. If we are done why not. Everything listed here he has been. All one sided, control, what he's looking for you never seem to meet up to his expectation. So Im struggling with this right now. I see he's emotionally unavailable but its still hard as he and I had shared so many good times. Ive gone silent now. No more begging , pleading, no facebook posts of any kind he can follow,.. Ive basically done a disappear act to try and regroup myself and my feelings. I have no idea if after time again he will show back up or how I will handle it as I miss him alot. Before the " im done" for an unbelievable reason he gave ,we had spent a fantastic 4 days and then he went cold until I asked him what was going on 12 days later after 12 days of ignoring me.. As stated we've been down this road before BUT I always tried to contact him and this time Im not. No idea if he will even notice or care. I have to run into him if I go out, we have mutual friends, mutual places so for now in my " disappearing" I am avoiding all of that as well. Only a few closes friends know whats going on with me and what Im doing. Facebook world and more wont be able to tell him. It will feel to him I left the planet. Which he probably doesnt care anyhow. Do these men go back and forth, on again off again with the same woman as he has with me? If he is emotionally unavailable ( a list of bad marriages in his past), why has he come back before ? Do these kind of men even feel anything? A loss of the good times, a loss of sharing with someone? he always says he wants a good wife and relationship BUT yet when he has been given that and more ( I mean we got along great, enjoyed same things etc, didnt argue or fight, everyone thought we were great together and good sex) he literally does sabotage it. I so wish he would just give it the time to be.
Sounds exactly like what I experienced. It's like there is no attachments unless if is to negative experiences.
I can resonate with all that you said. My man has a great woman in me and he sabotaged it. He’s reading a book about why we sabotage called “Stop doing that Sh💩”. He says he has some childhood traumas he has to deal with.
Simply stunning. I feel in love with an EU man 12 years ago, not knowing he had issues. I didn’t know he had a Gf in another state either. Not until he was good and ready to share it. He was guarded with simple questions which I shrugged off. He ended up trusting me with a lot of sensitive stories from his last including abuse. We became best friends, and he also made me realize how beautiful and wonderful I was. This guy was handsome, fit, and everything I wanted. All of his issues I overlooked for so many years just watching him cry when he had bad days, or reading his texts telling me how he hates his Gf and wants to move out. Constant. Well it’s been a couple of years since he point blank told me he wants to move closer to me and stay with me. Recently he declared his love for me and said he has always loved me. Well, this man won’t answer a phone call, and his texting is down to about 14 days a month where I get a text and they are all flirting. He won’t commit to meeting me for coffee to talk (I told him I would drive half way to meet), and recently I found out he was in town 2 months ago to help his buddy out with a project. Never heard a word. Is this the way a EU rolls? Is this textbook? I am so upset and frustrated that things have turned and he won’t even meet me to talk. If he plans on staying with me, he needs to talk about what this entails. My guess is he lied about even looking for jobs around me. How the heck did it end up like this ? This handsome man with so much going for him, and now I see another side. I’m so hurt and scared not knowing what’s not with him. I love him but can’t fix him.
Oh boy! I have been through this! Except I didn't know it at the time. I thought I could change him. I thought I was special. Then he turned it into a Friends With Benefits kind of thing. And I allowed it, just so he could maybe see that what we had was terrific. But you're right, I never had him. I had low self esteem and became so low that I contemplated suicide. I felt this loss, HARD. And when I emerged from this dark tunnel, there was this man that has been my friend for over 15 years standing there waiting for me. I am in a completely different world now. I am very happy and content. The hardest part is, I still work with this emotionally unavailable ex every single day. Sometimes it plays with my emotions. He's dating somebody else now, I imagine he's playing with hers now...
You know that's exactly what he's doing now, Loni. Until she, too, has enough.
So happy for you that you're in a completely different world now! And turn the working with him part around. HE has to live with seeing YOU every single day, serving as a reminder of what he wasn't able to be to have someone like you!
OMG this is how my life is at the minute, your written this as me! I work with mine too, and every dinner his new girlfriend comes to see him and they are kissing and cuddling in front of me, its torture, I gave up everything for this man my home and living near my family and friends, and cant go back to where I was as his ex wife lives there now, 7 years of my life wasted on this selfish idiot, one day I hope to meet the right person and show him I am a good person and never needed him in the first place, hugs x
Thank you for this Jane. It showed up alongside today's post about 'the guy I chose'. 3 weeks ago, I left my EUM of 18 months and am missing him terribly. But, as your first paragraph says - it wasn't because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. In the relationship (situationship) at least, I didn't recognise the person I'd become. I say 'thank you' because today, I spent the whole of my 1hour drive home wondering whether to drive round and see how he is. I didn't - but I didn't know whether that was the right decision until I opened my computer and read this blog. Thank you xx
Hello,
I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 5 months. We were LDR. I visited him 3 times over the course of our relationship. It was heaven. He was so sweet. He was kind, affectionate, attentive, always complimented me. We had amazing sex. We never fought, we got along so well and so easily. In the beginning he always told me "I have issues" but didnt really elaborate. He never had a long term relationship as far as I know. Fast forward to now - he tells me we had to talk. Knew it was bad. He basically tells me i didnt do anything wrong, i was perfect but he has lost all his feelings for me. I was completely baffled and blindsided. He had told me the day before how attractive i was, now he all the sudden has no feelings for me. I've spent the past few days trying to convince him to give it another try. He will not budge. I am quite devastated and lost. I have issues as well, and this has set me back some. There are no words to express my sadness and confusion about this situation.
Hi Ashe, and all you others beautiful people who have been through this.
Each time I read one of these stories it makes me so sad and emotional because a part of me is in each one. He's right Ashe, it's not you. For some reason that I still can't understand, I, and clearly many of us are continuously attracted to these men that we just can't have. Maybe somehow we know it but are still looking for that happy ending that we've created in our minds. We can't fix them, we can't change them, but we keep on trying and believing we can make them into the person that will make us happy and fill that dream.
I've been in love with this man since I was 20, that is many years. I've been through a marriage and other relationships, he's been through two marriages and relationships. He was my dream but I never realised that he was never really there. The words, the affection, the promises, my wanting him to be my happy ending. We saw each other again almost a year ago, like we had been together forever, more promises, more affection, more words and here I am again with my heart in pieces, still wondering what happened as he disappeared again. The only thing I have now is time behind me to realise that this never was and never will be. It doesn't make it easier to get over him because he is in almost every thought, but I know now that it's time to stop waiting for him and to stop blaming myself, replaying everything to find out what I did wrong. I don't think I will ever find someone else, and will probably always love him dearly, but I am working on me and accepting what is.
Believe in yourselves and know that someone is out there that will love and appreciate you for who you are and you won't have to keep trying to prove yourself. He will see you for who you are and realise how lucky he is to have found you. I'm still waiting...
lol
Keep in mind that they love long-distance relationships. They may seem like it’s just a fluke, but the distance is by design. Everything is a way of creating space and not totally Integrating you into their life.
Hi all.
The responses on here are predominantly from women. All thoughtful and wonderful. I am a man who experienced the same soaring highs and terrible lows, utter sadness and grief. I loved - and then was cruelly dumped by - a woman who fit every description of being emotionally unavailable. Unable to commit, unable to have the most basic conversation if it was at all serious. Unable to respond to depth and feelings.
But the mind plays tricks. I still loved her, even though I knew I was going through a terrible experience. I am a guy who loves emoting and communication. And just on a basic level, I need it to be reciprocated. She hated it all.
In my head, I know that is obviously a terrible combination and one that couldn't sustain.
It was a brief, intense relationship; I can't even imagine would it would become had I stayed.
I have been a changed man ever since she left. Sadness, humiliation, debilitating grief over what I THOUGHT was the love of my life.
But the clouds are starting to clear. I don't think I will ever forget her. But now I realize that being a changed man isn't necessarily terrible. I've learned a lot about myself, and I know that the advice I have given to so many others - other fish in the sea, I'm better off, etc. - is honest and accurate. The world has billions of people. Why think about the one who won't give you what you need?
The words I have crafted that continue to help me heal are these; "Being dumped feels awful, humiliating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Michael. I can imagine the sadness you feel. It is devastating to be left behind just like that when we thought it would be so different. We can only learn from these experiences to see more clearly what we need and who we are looking for. For now, feel all your feelings, understand them and be compassionate towards yourself. Hugs.
Wow, your words resonate with me 100%. I had the exact same experience with a woman and I am like you. The difference? I tried to get things right for 4 (!) years humiliating myself to nothingness in the process. So dumb in love I was...
Adding insult to injury she came back, begging me to give her another chance 1 year later, she had changed, been thinking, I was the only man etc. She just knew how to push the right buttons.
Dumb in love me fell right back into the trap and it was all repeat.
Now it's over and for good. And I am a changed man...
Michael,
I find myself reading your comment repeatedly since your story is my story too. Thank you for so many quotable quotes. They help when o falter.
Thank You for sharing your story....pain and betrayal knows no specific gender. I am going thru this kind of pain after my entanglement with a Narcissist....there were so many red flags, but I was hooked for sure. Just trying to find my way out after 3 years of being utterly lost in a battle I was not prepared for.
Hi I met my partner over a year ago and it progressed very quickly. I thought I had met the person I was going to be with. Very quickly the red flags began popping up and I chose to ignore them and just ‘accept’ him for who he was. He moved in with me in October and in December I had major surgery. It all went very wrong from there. Throughout our relationship I felt like I wasn’t quite good enough and when I would make a stand he would then have a big gesture and the ‘I love you’s’ after the surgery I felt him physically pulling away from me and even though I was very unwell I tried to massively overcompensate into being the perfect partner. At Christmas he verbally assaulted me and called me a bad mother. I was sat in the edge of my bed with my surgical stockings on and I felt broken. I asked him to leave a few weeks later. He reached out for a couple of weeks and then finally said that he didn’t love me anymore. I was crushed. To this day I still have regrets and doubts but finally seeing him for the emotionally unavailable man he is has helped me through. It took me 4 months to finally recover from the op and now I’m back at work. He emailed me yesterday still maintaining his victim status. It’s kind of knocked me a bit today but by understanding that this isn’t anything to do with me and his opinions don’t define me has helped. Thanks for listening x
Nothing to do with you, Kerry. Maintaining your own boundaries and refusing to take any of his responses personally allows you to stand strong in who you are - and not be knocked down as easily by someone like this. You know who you are regardless of what he has to say about you!
I have read this post pretty much daily for weeks ...just to keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me.
I am 5 weeks out of what I thought was a relationship with a guy who was my future.
18 months of being with this guy ....when I met him he was still sharing a house he own with his ex of 2 years ..they had a 4 month old baby ..he said their relationship was long over and that he was there just for his son .this is someone from his work who he was with before he ended his marriage and left his wife and 3 kids for .....
So I believed he was separated and I put up with the bare minimum effort and contact from him ...always when it suited him. I was left feeling frustrated and angry and hating him most of the time ...but he was one of those guys who played the poor me card well ...could cry instantly when telling me how hard it is for him and how much he loved me and that he’s never had a connection with anyone like me before ..and that he has to punch himself sometimes as couldn’t believe he had someone like me ...so yeh the typical stuff that makes you believe in his potential ...to keep putting up with no effort ...these conversations happened regularly and was always same responce ..I just need to sort myself out but we are all good and I love you ...thing was ..he kept saying it for 18 months ...it took him over a year to actually move out from his house he shared with ex ...and he hadn’t told anyone about me the whole time as he said he was protecting me from gossips ...but even then things with us didn’t move forward as he continued the whole I need time to sort myself out but I don’t want to lose you ..love you ..want a future with you ect ... a repeating pattern which never ended...one day after telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me he stopped contact ..never responded to any calls or texts ..which as you all know makes you feel like a worthless piece of crap ...so after 2 weeks of this I went over to house to confront him ..he said he didn’t know what to say ..didn’t know why he ignored me ...kept saying I don’t know ..I don’t know ...turns out my daughter seen him driving another woman’s car with her in passenger and he said I don’t know why I took her for coffee? Says was first time he’s seen her..thru a guy at work. I said do you still love me and he says ...I like you. How does someone who said he loved you for 18 months ..2 weeks later say I like you?? I ended up calling his ex afterwards and turns out he hadnt actually broken up with her until couple months ago but she said he was trying to get back with her ...and also seeing this new chick for coffee ..all while ignoring me ...so he’s gone from wife to the the one from work ...to me ..and now to the new one ...
I’m gutted ..I feel used and worthless and angry ...how could I have believed all his lies for so long ? And the fact he never told anyone about me apart from his kids ...he is now making out that we never had an 18 month relationship !!!! I’m dreading seeing his lying face as we live in a small town ...he has made me feel so worthless to the point it consumes my life ...
Please someone tell me how to let go of the anger I have towards him ... I gave him everything I had ..and it was never good enough ...now he will be living a happy life with this new chick ..like I never existed .....
You have every right to be angry, Ann. In fact, it's only by allowing yourself to feel each and every one of your emotions that you're ready to move on at all. It will dissipate when it's served its purpose on your own timeline, not anyone else's. It would have been good enough if he was capable of being the man you needed him to be. Ask yourself who behaves like this, who does this, who can live with himself and his conscience behaving like this? That's who he is. Don't judge yourself by who he is and isn't. It's on him that he can act like this, don't take it on yourself. If he can flip a switch like you never existed, just imagine what any longer with this man would have been like for you!
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
I'm in the same boat. I met a woman - whirlwind courtship. But after eight weeks, she wants nothing to do with me. Professing of love. Poetry. Kindness. Attention. I showered her with everything. She just couldn't get there - and in the most tortured way possible. No committal. No discussion. Bristling at the very idea of a serious conversation. Not into me? Fine. But the cruel way in which she would just emotionally and mentally check out...I'm devastated and feel awful.
But it's time for me and you to let it go. Whats the alternative? Many people deal with much worse. We basically lost nothing except, thankfully, someone who would have made us feel terrible had we stayed. That's very real...so keep reminding yourself of that.
Here are the words I've crafted to help get me through it: "Being dumped feels awful, humiiating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
Just a quick reminder: You haven't lost anything, you never had had it before. And you know what? Now he's playing his game on a different field with a different partner. But his game stays the same. His new chick will follow your footsteps, sadly. Time for compassion for her, actually...
Been there with my ex, trust me. This is all so screwed up, we have to liberate us from this mess! We deserve better!
I am walking away from my 18 year marriage because his dysfunction and emotional numbness is just too much to take. The more he pulls back, the more I blame myself. He is passive aggressive and often tries to lay subtle blame my way. I have literally done EVERYTHING I can, including just accepting it for more years than we’re comfortable. The part where you talk about wondering if he understands what he’s letting go. That’s what hurts the most. That they can casually toss aside someone who has dedicated a life to them, holding space for his issues, while he categorically won’t get help. He admits he has problems but he won’t specify what they are, nor does he feel moved to address them. I can walk away knowing I showed up in every way I could. But no more.
Hi Ellen,
This is me too- I did walk away from my marriage for many of the reasons that you state. It got to a point of me- all giving- him all taking and burying his head. Don't allow yourself to lose who you are by trying to appease and accept someone who just isn't able to give you what you need. I too was always the source of his issues and he refused to get help after some serious events.
I got to the point where I couldn't take anymore and had to find something that was going to let me be me again. You can make the right choice and it sounds like you have. If you decide to go, you will realise the suppression that this situation creates and you will remember who you are, what you have to give and be able to think of that person again instead of putting all your energy into someone who is just not there.
I wish you the best- it's not easy at all but sometimes we are better off on our own.
The fact that he CAN toss that aside, Ellen, only confirms for you just how emotionally unavailable he is and why you've come to this place you have where nothing else left to lose except him. I wish with all my heart these men were capable of looking within and getting the help they needt to get to the deep roots of where their issues stem from, but to them, it seems so much easier, so much less shameful a place, to simply keep on doing what they're doing, what they've always done and what our culture has always accepted they do. I have hope that one day it will different, but until then, yes, it is we who have to make the choice of whether we can or can't live with who they are and who they are unwilling to change. Get some support for yourself as you walk through this. The passive agressiveness adds a sneaky subtle tone to all of this that can wreak havoc on your own emotional well-being.
Hi I am crying as I write this, my boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me 2 days ago and I feel like I'm dying. The more I think about it the more I realize that he was so emotionally repressed and unavailable, but he mad me believe so many things he made me believe we had a future together that he loved me. I am getting a puppy and he made me believe we were going to be a lil family,. I asked him so many times if he really wanted this and he kept saying yes. And from one day to another all a sudden he says to me that he has been thinking and he has a very big feeling that he doesn't see a future with me, when I ask him why he says I don't know just a feeling. I feel so betrayed because only a week ago we went to look for puppy beds for his house and I asked him again and he said ofcourse I want this. I feel so betrayed and angry and idk wat to do I can't stop crying but I know I don't want him back. And I'm so scared that my new puppy will be reminder of his lies and his betrayal and I've been wanting her for so long and I'm so scared he will take that joy from me. Please help me.
Ana I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I too felt like you just 2 months ago, it was only last week I started to feel better! and accept that it was over. You will get there, it's going to hurt alot for a while though but there is an end to this pain I promise. Your puppy will give you something else to focus on its the best idea to get one asap now. Stay strong, you can and will get through this x
Thanks for jumping in here, Michelle. So glad you're starting to feel better!
He can't do anything to you that you don't allow him to, Ana. I know this is so hard, the feeling like you're dying is such a familiar one, but if even this was too much for him, how would he have been when life throws so much more at the two of you down the road? What you do right now is allow yourself to feel every feeling, don't run from whatever emotions come up for you. This feels every bit like you're dying inside and there are specific stages of grief to go through. He wasn't capable, isn't capable, doesn't know what he wants or how to get back to how he wants to feel. He can't give you answers when he doesn't know himself, and this isn't a guy who's in touch enough with himself and his own feelings, and his own stuff to be honest enough with you. Enjoy your new puppy. Let your new puppy be the beginning. She's an innocent little dog who's looking to you to be her world. I'm so sorry he couldn't follow through with what he said he could. I suspect you intuitively sensed something was up and that's why you asked him again. No one can take your joy from you. No one can take the life out of you. You only want someone who's on the same page as you, Ana, who can be who he says he is and can follow through the way you need him to. If he gets there, you'll be the first to know, but right now, focus on taking care of yourself and treating yourself so compassionately. This isn't about you. It's about him.
You won. You got a puppy and got to shed the emotionally unavailable human.
Seriously - I was in the same boat. Here are the words I tell myself that have helped get me through it:
"Being dumped feels awful, humiliating and debilitating. Staying with her would have been worse."
Hope this helps.
Finding this website has been so helpful for me in not feeling like I'm alone. I feel like I'm at this point in my life - After 36 years of looking for "the one," I thought I found him, only for him to tell me 10 months into our relationship that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I had asked him in the past if he wanted marriage and children and had told him that those were prerequisites for me when we started dating. He had told me that he was slow moving into a relationship initially - and took months to establish that I was his girlfriend, but I just thought he was working with some issues from a past relationship. I hurt so much right now, and keep thinking that maybe at this age in my life, there just isn't anyone out there who wants to commit anymore. I refuse to wait around and hope he will commit to me, but my heart is breaking. I ask him what he wants from me and he keeps telling me he doesn't know. He's told me he doesn't want me to leave, that he thinks he might be able to marry me, that he might be able to commit in the future - but he can't say when or how long. Do I even give him a chance when he says something like that?
I don't want to walk away, but I know I have to for the chance at what I need in my life. But how does one even believe they have a chance at love again when something like this happens? How do you not give up?
Only if you can wait for someone who "can't say when or how long", Monica. That doesn't give you any power here, no say, no control, no place for you. This is all about him. He's one person. One person who can't figure out his own issues and obviously isn't motivated enough to trudge through his own stuff to get there. If it only takes one person to leave you believing you'll never have a chance at love again, it will only take one more person to show you love always finds its way to you again. Don't try to see it now; just know that you will. This is far too raw, too real, too absolutely heartbreaking to see anything else but the pain you're going through right now. But one day soon, you will. Focus on you. Look at who you are, put your energy into some creative outlets and find a way to express yourself in a way that's so freeing when it's all about you. Write, draw, paint, dance, volunteer, make a difference somewhere. Do something you've never done before that you've always wanted to do. There's a life still waiting for you to live it, Monica. Don't let one guy who couldn't get his act together enough to figure out what he wants to do, keep you from living the life you were made for. You're never, ever alone!
Hi Monica,
I was in a similar situation not too long ago. Around the same ago as you too. My ex made it seem like he wanted it all: marriage, future, kids. He even asked me if his friend could officiate our wedding (no he hadn’t proposed!). When I finally asked what his timeline was for wanting to get married he flipped. Apparently he was the only one allowed to bring up these topics! Said I was pressuring him (I definitely wasn’t) because I asked that. He also never really made much time (maybe I’d see him twice a week) for me even though he told me often that he loved me so much.
Anyway, the point of my story is that I was heartbroken when it ended. I tried so hard to fix things but he had no interest. He was online dating within days of us breaking up. It was awful. So I wrote a list of what was important to me going forward in my next relationship. It helped me get clear on priorities that were important to me. One month after the breakup I met my current bf who is amazing. We’ve been together for a year and just bought a house.
I know a lot of it is luck but there are good people out there. Try to avoid the tendency to date toxic people (that’s what will feel familiar to you, trust me). Take time for yourself but try to trust your gut going forward. Watch what people do and not what they say. That was my biggest takeaway. That will really help you determine if you have a great guy in front of you!
Trust me sometimes it can take a while (I’m still not 100% all the time) but you’ll get there. Good luck!
Ah of all the articles I've read this one hit home the most. I ended my 3 year relationship 2 months ago and I'm shattered into tiny pieces. I was besotted with him from day one but alas, he was 100% emotionally unavailable.
His mum threw him out when he was 14 and he lived on friends sofas for most of his teens, he hasn't spoken to his mum since so I knew where it stemmed from. I knew within the first few weeks of dating something was off, he never seemed to enter the "infatuation stage" he would happily cancel our dates if his friends rung him up wanting to hang out. He was never excited by me or the prospect of spending time with me. And nothing changed at all in 3 years, I thought he was just slow to fall in love and one day he would get there but eventually I realised he had got as far as he was ever going to.
I lost alot of self respect and probably alot of respect from him in the last year in my efforts to, as you say, "make him see and make him realise" how right this all was and how wrong his lack of feelings were. I'm totally heartbroken but I would never go back, 3 years of confusion, self doubt, not feeling remotely important enough or attractive enough and I'm done. His loss.
Thank you so much for this article, I'm not insane this is a true state of mind that some people are stuck in and they will never know the joys of being absolutely in love, that head over heels excitement of being with someone you love. I pity them really.
And that's always the irony, Louise; "... and nothing change at all in 3 years." Pick up those beautiful pieces of you and watch them grow into something more beautiful than ever before. It IS his loss. But more importantly, you are now free. For all the sad, heartbreaking stories of what these men have gone through, remember that for all that his story tugs at your heartstrings, you can't change him, you can't fix him, you can't help him become what he doesn't choose to become himself. At some point, as you reached one here, you have to let go to save yourself.
No you can't fix them. But the annoying irony is that in my efforts to change him I guarantee the next girl gets a better version of him than what I started out with haha. I'm hoping I won't care anymore though by the time that comes.
My boyfriend and I had lived together for 7 years and somewhere during the first couple he got some marriage documents which he had filled in. I asked him why he had done that and he said something like 'I thought it would be a nice surprise' or something like that. At the time I didn't trust this because he just wasn't communicating - talking about his feelings or the relationship in a way that I had envisioned my future husband would. He would say that he was only interested in talking about ideas and all the other stuff he had transcended and found boring. He had been a monk for 12 years before I met him and whenever I used to ask him what his priority was, he would say 'his spiritual development', obviously this made me feel angry and ignored. I was always confused as to how one can be in a relationship and not prioritise the person who one is in the relationship with. We would argue but were still having a good time, going out, partying with friends and spending all our time together. But for me there was always something missing - the emotional connection part, consequently, I was accused of being demanding, verbally abusive, ungrateful and a host of other toxic behaviours as well as being blamed all the time for having a problem with the non- love that I felt I was getting . In response I would become demanding and verbally abusive even though I know that that is not my natural state of being. I tried to get close to him for years, helped him get a job, found and decorated all the various houses we lived in, paid for most things as I had more money than him, cooked every day for us both etc etc.
Mainly he would sulk in his room and mediate when we would argue or just leave or break up with me when I would suggest going to therapy together (I was studying psychology at the time). He never gave in one inch to anything that I wanted or needed. Things started to escalate when I started getting pregnant at age 44-48 I had 4 miscarriages in 4 years and had no emotional support from him - him saying that I am emotionally volatile so my upset, loss and crying belonged to me way before these pregnancies started happening. We tried 1 IVF cycle last summer which ended in a miscarriage and 10 days later he left me for good. In the last couple of years he had found a new guru who he wanted to follow and was not interested in a relationship with me as I had 'too many rules' (a reason he had left the former spiritual community in the first place) Gradually over the next few months he left - I begged him back - he came back and left again and eventually moved out about 6 months ago. I saw him 'as a friend' until a couple of weeks ago and then nothing at all from him. I was always the one getting in touch and when I suggest to meet he will see me as if nothing's happened between us. He's said things like 'I was very patient and forgiving' and 'there is no past.' This I can only call insanity because if anyone was patient and forgiving it was me. I went through so much trauma and heartache for a very long time and then was thrown away as if I was a bag of rubbish. I thought he was my soulmate and life-partner - we had nearly everything in common culture wise, looks, age, interests, hobbies, sense of humour etc. The only thing missing - which turns out to be the most important thing - was emotional connection. I feel that I messed it all up with me not being OK with my emotional deprivation (which I discovered in the last couple of years) and if I had been calmer about my childhood ideas of what a relationship should look like then it might have possibly worked out. I fear that he will meet someone else who he will be emotionally available with and that will prove to him that he was right all along and that I was wrong. I still love him but I also hate myself for loving a 'demon'. I know I deserve better but I also blame myself a lot as to how things turned out. I feel like I've wasted 7 of the best years of my life and now I'm too old to have hope of a new 'real' relationship that I knew I always deserved, especially with the added emotional scar left by this toxic one.
Never too old, Serene. Never too late. This is what it took to get you to this place. And now you know what you'll never EVER tolerate again.
This isn't just a case of emotional unavailability. Read up about covert/victim narcissists. What you describe is classic behavior across many, many stories. Don't give a second thought to him being emotionally available with someone else. He won't be. The only thing that sometimes happens with these types, especially at this age, is he'll find a woman in the same reject pool and they'll accept each other's dysfunction. But don't mistake that for the real relationship you are looking for and deserve. Otherwise he will just leech off another supply who sacrifices too much for his "potential", and the whole thing repeats. This gets harder to pull off with aging though, especially if he doesnt have money. Really work on accepting your own worth and showing -yourself- the love and compassion that you were so willing to give away to him for free. Otherwise you also risk repeating the same pattern. <3
"Sacrifices too much for his potential". I think you've just hit the nail on the head there. It's hard to get over and accept the fact that you've literally spent the entire relationship in love with what you envisioned as their potential rather than the absent person they actually were.
Brilliant! Yes, mine was a victim and never wanted to get out of it. He was always lamenting the fact that his wife had cheated on him, meanwhile, she had complained that she felt completely lonely, unheard and ignored. These people do the same thing over and over. They are not there for anyone and they are very narcissistic. They love bomb you in the beginning and make all these plans with you… It’s called future faking. Then, when you finally put your bags down and you lean in, they lean back. Yes, mine was a victim and never wanted to get out of it. He was always lamenting the fact that his wife had cheated on him, meanwhile, she had complained that she felt completely lonely, unheard and ignored. These people do the same thing over and over. They are not there for anyone and they are very narcissistic. They love bomb you in the beginning and make all these plans with you… It’s called future faking. Then, when you finally put your bags down and you lean in, they lean back. It’s brutal.
Hi, thank you for this article. I am 5 week’s post breakup with a guy I thought was amazing but looking back was never willing to connect with me properly. We were together for 5 months and I was driving to another city 1-2x a week to stay at his. He bought me a trip to Lisbon for my Christmas present and got me a key cut to his place but whenever we had any sort of discussion about emotions or even a small conflict he would start to pull away. Any time I had a problem with his actions and tried to explain it calmly he would at first acknowledge my emotions but subtly refuse to compromise then the day after he would invalidate them and make me feel like I was needy/crazy/jealous. I got so anxious that I couldn’t eat and I lost 15lbs as I never knew where I stood... we seemed to be moving forwards in some aspects of the relationship but never getting closer in an emotional sense. He would blame his parents divorce and say he was numb from that. It all came to a head when I knew he’d been lying to me for months about taking drugs (which I had been very clear from the start I was against due to a family member who struggled with addiction and died) and I realised I had to have a conversation with him about it. He told me that he was really sorry and would do anything to change and that I was the best thing in his life and he hated himself for hurting me. He said I was his priority and he would do anything to fix it. The next day I FaceTimed him and he said he couldn’t see a future for us and then instead of mentioning anything to do with our drugs conversation, just listed all the things I’d done wrong, saying we were incompatible and that he could never love me. He said we were too different and that is why his feelings hadn’t developed. But everything he said was completely at odds with all he’d been saying in the week leading up to this. I only found out as we were breaking up that this was his first relationship at age 25 as he hadn’t opened up at all before that. Everyone I spoke to said that the things he listed were just normal relationship conflicts and should have been easily resolved together, but he made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Even after 5 weeks I’m completely heartbroken and have no idea how to let go of it all and move on. He was so lovely at first and I really thought we had a future, but it all ended out of the blue and now I’m so confused and beating myself up. Everyone is saying that it’s his problem and not mine, but I feel broken and flawed because of it.
It is his problem, Sara. Anyone who's resorting to drugs then lying about it then changes the subject by making everything wrong all about you is someone who's deeply, deeply troubled. It always ends badly when someone is unable to face themselves and the truth. Don't beat yourself up anymore. You had to confront him. This had to come out. For you. You could never have been happy in the long run with someone like this, nor could he have kept living a lie of who he was or what he was going through. Time to give yourself some self-care. He's making his choices without any regard for you. Give yourself what he isn't able to give you and know that if he were different, if the situation could be any different, it would be. I could go on and on here, Sara, but I hope this gives you some outside perspective you might not have otherwise have had. You're so not alone here. There's so many women who can identify with what you're going through and unfortunately in our culture, it's more acceptable for men as a gender to take their pain undercover and hide it with drugs or alcohol than it is to admit they're having a hard time and get the help they need. You couldn't save him, you couldn't save the two of you; that's his work. You did everything you could do.
I am literally going through this right now. I just ended a 7-year relationship, I cannot tell you how badly I wanted to believe that he really loved me as much as he said and wanted to make things work. I wanted to move forward in our relationship but he was content staying in the same spot. After 7 years, I never got a house key, I never got to see him more than once or twice a week, I never got a ring, and we never moved in together. Finally reached my limit where I couldn't stand being rejected anymore. But I'm absolutely heartbroken, we did have so many great times together, I helped him get sober, he was with me through embarrassing surgeries, and we traveled too many places together. I'm feeling like I'm missing a part of me. Part of me desperately wants to reach out and apologize, but a more rational part of me is telling me there's no point oh, he will never change. I'm not really sure how to cope with all this, most of my friends and family have told me how proud they are of me for standing up for myself.
It just hurts so much 🙁
It's not that you never got those things, Bailey, it's that you were with someone so incapable of participating in those things that are part of a progressive relationship with someone, that he couldn't have given them to anyone. Don't take on his issues as a rejection of you. These are all things you would have been a part of if he'd had the capicity to give them to you. That you didn't have them with him is in no way a reflexion of you or your worth or your ability to have them with someone else who will be capable of these normal relationship events. I know it hurts. I know that proud feeling your familiy and friends have for you is little consolation in light of the longing you have to change things. What would you be apologizing for and why? Listen to that rational side. It's a wise, intuitive side of you that knows. You were a light for him that he could only draw from, with nothing to give you except what he already showed you was the extent of all he had to give.
OMG I can’t believe I posted on this 2 years ago and Im still in the same situation with a few little changes, but 5.5 years and I’m still with him, accepting his emotional abuse, I’ve tried so many times to let go but he wins me back with empty promises. Jane why can I not let him go???
Oh the ties that bind us to the ones we should never be with but can't extricate our broken hearts from holding onto. So many things, Gabby. Keep coming back to you. Like Plenty said, it's finding your own strength and self-worth and really, finding what makes you alive again - without him - that gives us what we need to compensate for the loss we inevitably feel even before it's done. Keep coming back here - something somewhere is going to resonate with you!
One of your very best posts Jane. It has healing power. I’ve read it several times but this morning it made me cry. I think that’s good. It’s a release, cathartic. When you get to a point where something resonates deeply that’s what happens. I wouldn’t say it was too much to describe this morning as my moment on the road to Damascus.... to accept the past as a learning experience not a mistake is sooo good....
Never a mistake, Cate. We get clearer and stronger and so much closer to where we want to be with every single step, especially the imperfect ones. They're gold!
I met a guy online and although we seemed to have a great connection, something went awry. we're both in the healthcare field so it's no mystery that he is pretty busy himself and I am a student one semester away from graduation. we used to talk so much in the beginning and when work got crazy or as he calls it, his communication with me would wane and waiver at his command. we were suppose to meet in person as proposed before, but before that time even come, he said bye because of all the work and life stress. its not that i couldnt deal with his work schedule, it was more of his communication. it was never official but it could have been if we did meet. I was getting really triggered and I blew up on the fact that his communication was not consistent and it scared me( i had an ex who used intentional silence before breaking up with me). its been a mere 8 months and i do now see how we both played a part. the loss was how much energy and effort i spent, and being emotionally invested.
Of course it scared you, Diane. And now you know so much more about what you need and how much that matters to you. Clarity out of our losses can be a beautiful thing, even with all the pain, if it brings us closer to what we desire - and deserve!
I was with an emotionally unavailable guy on and off for 4 years. I loved him and I loved what I thought we would have - if only he faced his fears.
In November I explained to him that I was fed up of feeling so undesired due to his commitment fears. We split up.
A few weeks later he text me to tell me that he realised what a good woman I was and that he wanted to try again and face his fears. I ignored his text.
After Xmas I got more messages, telling me how he can’t stop thinking about me and that he realises I’m the only woman he wants. He also said he would seek counselling.
We got back in contact. I was very cautious and after a few weeks I pointed out that I didn’t want to slip back into our old ways and that I hoped he would’ve sought some help, like he said he would. He said he would address it.
Three weeks later and he still hadn’t. He asked if he could come over and I declined. I said that whilst it was ultimately his responsibility to seek help and face his fears, I am responsible for harbouring them by allowing him to behave like nothings happened.
He said he understood and apologised. He said he was scared as he wanted to change the direction of his life but wanted me in it.
The next day he text to say he had his first counselling session that afternoon!
I was so impressed...
However, in the days that followed he became distant. He said he’d been diagnosed with suppressed emotions and he was scared about how this would therapy would unfold.
After one 45 minute session, he split up with me again! He states he doesn’t think he can give me what I want / deserve!
I know in time I will see this as a blessing.
However, right now it hurts and I’m so confused. He has spent the last six weeks winning me back and telling me how much he loves me. I can’t beleive that he’s finally found the strength to
Admit and face his fears via counselling and he’s pushed me away...after 45 minutes!!!
Don't take any of his actions to heart, Crystal. This is a man who has no idea what he's doing and it's going to take a lot more than one 45 minute session for him to grapple with all that he needs to figure out before he'll be ready and capable of any kind of a relationship with anyone!
I so get this ❤️NOW!!!
So glad, Cate!
I would let him go, he is afraid to change
And he wants you back in his life. But it looks like you will have to be the one to cut the ties. Don’t respond to his letters, text
Or calls. And tell him it’s over
Thank you Jane. And thank you everyone else too for sharing and supporting one another.
I have just come out of a relationship with a beautiful man who had, unconsciously become emotionally unavailable from his marriage. He is a kind man and showed much love to me, but little commitment (not consulting with me on mutual plans, future was hard to plan, he not communicating in difficult times and he listening to my needs when I kindly expressed them, but not responding authentically).
The two years we spent together I was dedicated and committed to our relationship and his two children. At the end of our relationship, I, with research, uncovered his commitment issues and presented them to him. He received them well, reading a book I also loaned him and then made a full admission that he had not been doing all the above things. That felt great and not so great too. He still doesn't want to be with me. I became very resentful and highly emotional toward the end of our relationship and he is holding on to that and states he doesn't want a relationship. I understand he has a lot of growth to undertake too.
I was willing to undertake the growth, dedicated and committed and together. I am ready for that in my life, however, he has chosen no.
Yes I'm sad but now I have some of my own growth (managing and acceptance of my emotions, temper control, trigger ifentification) to do before I am ready to undertake my next love.
Don't ever stop learning and loving xx
Just to note. He became emotionally unavailable from his marriage and then divorce.
Snap...thank god for Jane ❤️
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Loved your post. Going through it now. What was the book? I hope you have healed.
I was reading this article and even though many commented on it awhile ago, I just want to say how much I feel the same way as you do, Joanna and Nett. I went through the same thing, off and on. I suffered so much, but I learned so much. I see him now for who he is, an insecure little boy as a grown man. When you know who you are and what you want in a relationship, as beautiful Jane teaches us, it changes everything. Thank you so much, Jane, for your amazing articles and a big thank you to all of you, beautiful ladies whose comments help me so much, even now.
Hi Naomi,
I'm sorry but I had a bit of a giggle at the maybe in 6 months part, which passed and another, im not laughing at you at all, i just thought I was the only one still waiting around for a EUM, long distance! Mine has said this so many times in the last 4 1/2 years and has now said March 2018. You know what, im also seeing a therapist and she asked me if seriously deep down I think this will happen, with tears running down my face I finally admitted that I didn't believe it anymore. It is so heart wrenching to have your dreams shattered, but I can see a little more clearly now. I'm growing stronger and wanting to get to the stage of closing the door on him for ever. I'm not there yet, i have lots more work to do on myself, baby steps, im not answering all his calls, taking a lot longer to answer txt's Im trying to pull away and working towards letting go forever, Naomi I know its so very hard and easy to forget the crap they deal us when things are good, but I am honestly so fed up with being upset and crying over him.
Hugs to you
Ohhhhh Gabby! It sounds like we are in a very siniliar spot. We both love them still and can't do the immediate cut-off so we are slowly weaning ourselves off as we build our own strength. That's ok! At least I keep telling myself that and I'm telling you, too. Sending hugs back to you. <3
When I read others' stories I see so clearly that every beautiful woman contributing here deserves what she knows in her heart she wants and I see the disconnect in her belief that she's worthy of what she wants and that she's not asking too much-if it's the right person! I have a tougher time applying this to myself-I am in this same situation. Been dating a clearly emotionally unavailable man for over two years-80 miles between us-not as far as some but still long distance. In the beginning, I should have seen the signs and I'm disappointed in myself I didn't pay attention-The distance was hard for me from the get go as I was abandoned as a girl and so I asked for a date night once a week where we meet halfway in addition to our normal weekend time. He couldn't commit because of his work. I told him I loved him five months in and waited another five months before he said it back and that was only because I told him I couldn't stay in this if he didn't know that he loved me yet. A year in, I asked him to move in together-there was no excitement or enthusiasm from him-he said maybe in another six months. Well those six months have passed and so have another.
I know somewhere deep in my heart that I'm unsatisfied and deserve what I want which is a family. Yet this tiny part of me doesn't believe it so I'm going to counseling to build my self esteem so I can break free.
I want to be with someone who is equally as excited and invested in a future with me and my amazing son. This isn't working for me anymore and I am getting closer every day to be strong enough to say goodbye so I can say hello to what I'm worth.
I find such strength and comfort here from the stories and responses. I want to be the beautiful girl who knows her worth and doesn't let others treat her like she's undeserving of her dreams because she knows with every bit of her heart that she deserves so so so much more.
Reading everyone's stories and comments has made me want to reach out with my own story.
For the past 4 and half years I've been in a long distance relationship with what I now see is with an EUM.
We have known each other for 35 years, but have had marriages to other people in that time, we reconnected 4 years ago and it was like lightening!! The connection was so strong, at first it was all full on, however over time I've started to realise that I'm being strung along, he goes missing for days with no contact, telling me he has not had phone signal where he was working, yet I've seen him on social media, which he denys being on. My calls and txt's go unanswered till it's convient for him.
In this time I have not met his family or children, apparently he says they know there is someone in his life but not who, he tells me he is a very private person and doesn't discuss his life with anyone. He has been living in his own place for the last 18 months and Ive only just recently been there to stay! He said he felt his place wasn't good enough. He talks about our future and has made a few time frames for our LDR to be finished and us to be together, however there is always more time added to it. Now he has said March next year as he needs to get him self together to be with me and come in to our relationship with no baggage from the past ( he had a lot of financial debt with the ex). As I've been let down by him so many times, I just don't know if I can keep my life on hold continuously anymore, i made him a priority he made me an option. I try to back off, he steps it up with contact etc. we do see each other monthly, he tells his family he is going away for work or if I'm at his place he tells them he will be away!!! He says he doesn't want to be disturbed and spend all the time with me! I can never contact him when I need to, I can't rely on him for emotional support as I learnt recently, i was going through something, i talked to him about it, he said I'm here for you, then no contact for 2 days, he was tired from work and just fell asleep when he got home!! I'd call he said he didn't hear the phone, but then says I got a call to go into work!! I know I can see how wrong this all is, problem is I love him, but at what price do I have to pay in the hope it may happen!
Hi Gabby... I'm so sorry you are going through this... but it's been 4 1/2 years, it's more than enough time for him to know what he wants. And he's showing you what it is. He's doing what works for him. And he's only doing it because you allow him to.
I'm not saying that if you tell him that he'll change, they rarely do. So know this: you deserve better! So much better!
People only give what they have. This is what he's able to give you. Are you happy?
This is as good as it gets. Can you spend the rest of your life like this?
It's your decision.
Big hug.
Thank you Anna, No I'm not happy and I know I deserve so much more, but I don't know how to let go ......
This is exactly what I'm going through now ... what you just said are the feelings that I'm working through and to try to get to the other side . Then a relationship for eight years and I walked away not for anyone specific reason but for the reasons you stated I guess emotionally unavailable is what it exactly was . This happened last May but the turn is he started seeing someone and they were engaged in July and married this past weekend . Of course Ive asked all those questions why not me why her? I put in a decade ..what did she do different? And regardless of people telling me they know her good luck to him etc. my heart still hurts . I hear I've dodged a bullet so right now I am working through the motions to get to the point where I believe that . Thank you for your article reading more things like this will help me truly understand that I'm not alone in that journey ❤️
Laurie,
Remember he is the same person he was when you left him. He hasn't changed.
I know it hurts a lot.
Stay strong! You left the relationship for a reason, remember that.
Jane, I always enjoy reading your articles but this one was perfectly timed for me at the moment. Always feel like I’m receiving a nice, big hug from you.
I recently got dumped by a guy I was in a long-distance relationship with – he’s in the UK and I’m in Australia. We were only together for about four months, but he dumped me two months ago completely out of nowhere. Reading your articles, I know he is emotionally unavailable. He suffers from severe depression and has Asperger’s syndrome. He mentioned to me how whenever he told previous girls this, they would leave him and I said that I wouldn’t. He is quite a bit younger than me, but he fell in love with me very quickly (red flag).
I am currently at university and there were times very early on in our ‘relationship’ (he never called it that) where I would get emotional because of all the stress I was going through and he was somewhat supportive. I worry now that that might have contributed to the break-up in hindsight, as I know guys with Asperger’s get overwhelmed and can’t really handle emotion.
Anyway, long story short, things were seemingly going well – we had a chat over the last weekend together about spending more time together online and working towards making our relationship more of a priority as we’re both busy). Things seemed well. Then one morning out of nowhere he messaged me on WhatsApp and said we had to chat. He said that I’m a lovely person, but he didn’t think it was going to work between us. He said that distance was an issue – despite him knowing from the beginning I was in Australia and he thought he was okay with it.
He said that the problem wasn’t anything to do with me, but all with him – he just didn’t think he was ready for a relationship at the moment (despite wanting to be in one with me at the beginning in spite of my hesitation). Despite him mentioning we were in a relationship, he said when he ‘broke up’ with me that we weren’t breaking up as we were never in a relationship…what the heck would you call it then?! He said that he did love me romantically, but now loves me only as a friend and that’s how he sees me now…despite him not being able to say why this was the case that his feelings changed. He mentioned that he feels he has grown apart from me, but is unsure why. I don’t understand how someone’s feelings can change that quickly when I am not aware of having done anything wrong? He also said that I was affectionate, but not supportive – despite trying to offer to be there for him as much as possible in an online situation would allow. I don’t know what else I could have done.
He wants to be friends, but he blocked me on Facebook and Skype. When I asked why he blocked me on Facebook, he said he didn’t want to hurt me in cause I saw him in a relationship with someone in a few month’s time. However, if you want to remain friends why would you block someone? I even offered to give him another chance, but he didn’t think he could do that. Ihave been no contact with him for two months now and wondering if I should reach out to him? Jane, I know that you don’t usually encourage being friends with exes but I don’t know what to do. When I have spoken with my therapist, he has mentioned that it seems like this guy is a commitment-phobe.
I’m sorry about the long post, I am still finding it hard to get over him and just feel so hurt. I don’t know what to do and am looking for any advice that can be offered in this lovely, supportive group.
Hi Lisa...
Sorry you are hurt. We've all been there.
Sometimes stories end for no specific reason, for reasons we can't understand...
We get hurt, we question ourselves. What could I have done differently?
There's nothing you did wrong. You've given your best. And you will find someone who will see and appreciate that.
There are somethings in life we just have to accept, even though we don't understand.
I hope this helps. Jane and this community have given me support so many times, I hope I could give you some comfort too ❤️
I am still reeling from this happening to me. When we met, he was floundering professionally so I encouraged him to move to Missouri to be with some family and get a fresh start.
Surprisingly, we started growing closer despite a long-distance relationship and he'd send me cards and phone calls and texts and visits, professing his exclusive and undying live for me.
He was never hot and cold and always said he'd "marry me tomorrow."I even went to therapy to be sure this is what I wanted and finally let him convince me this was real love.
Within days of me saying it and him getting me to promise I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, he was back-pedaling about being free to roam the world for his career and then within weeks I find out he is in a serious relationship with another woman where he lives.
I am so heartbroken, and just keep retracing this article.
Don't get distracted by her, Lori. She's only an illusion and a distraction to him. He thinks she'll be the one to save him from whatever he's running from, but he's finding out that no one can. I can't tell you enough of how much better off you are without him, but I so get your hearbreak right now. Feel everything. It will get easier, I promise you! Start by recognizing his pattern here - he was all into you and your future together until you were all in. What does that say about him? If he can't handle that, what can he handle? You, yes you. Don't ever underestimate your power. You called his bluff!
Thank you!
And the hits keep coming... I just found out today he's already been living with this woman, bragging to his friends how he doesn't have to pay anything when he told me he couldn't come back without a good job because he couldn't "mooch off me" or I would resent him. He's also talking about retiring with her to Florida after he told me he couldn't afford to and didn't want to retire.
I feel so betrayed by his overnight 180 after all those years of professing his undying love ...
He sounds horrible, Lord. See that. Focus. You've been spared!
Thanks, Angel!
You never fail to amaze me! I don't know if it is some karmic energy in the universe or just pure luck, but every time I am going through a breakup, you send the perfect article which literally reflects my current situation! It actually brought a huge smile to my face yesterday. So, thank you for that!
My boyfriend, out of the blue, turned around and left me on Saturday after I'd moved half way across the world for him (and a job). It was a complete 180 from the month before where we had grown emotionally much stronger, supported each other, enjoyed talking/laughing/quizzes/everything - the long distance relationship didn't seem to matter or prevent us from growing closer - I could feel how much he cared - it was quite obvious to me and to all those around me.
But then, suddenly, it was as if panic had set in. I was there on his doorstep and decisions about "us" and our "future" were going to have to be made. He is an incredibly introverted and anxious person and trying to get him to talk about his concerns has always been hard - but I am guessing all those thoughts compounded into one when I arrived - and absolute fear kicked in. So he ran ... he told me he just didn't think he fancied me enough / didn't feel that passion ... and ran! It hurts like hell! And it is only because of the counselling and your workshop which I did in 2014, that I have been able to hold it together and really work at not believing that this is about me - as I really don't think this is. I just hope that the pain passes soon because honestly, it's like a 24 hour numbness at present infiltrated with hope that he'll realise what a mistake he's made...but hey, I also know I'll be alright in the end.
Aw, I'm so glad this came right when you needed it, Mountain Pixie. And hey, I also know you'll be alright - more than alright!-in the end! Numbness with hope is no way to live - and the only way we do ever live around someone like this. Remember that, ok?
This is true, I found out after two years of dating that he was not interested in commitment. This time around I thought that I picked the right one, more serious, more mature. So I decided that I had to be true to myself and ended it, and to my surprise, he did not come back, he did not come to his senses and told me that he too wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I miss him, or his indiference, which proves that he was never mine.
Oh Rosa, the last thing you need is an indifferent man! I know you miss him, but remember it's what he could be on a good day you miss, not the most of the time, real guy underneath who wasn't interested in a commitment after all - and waited 2 years to tell you! 2 years! You know you deserve better, and now you're free to be with better!
This article is so spot on. It was definitely a dream that I was mourning the loss of. The empty promises of marriage and a happy life together which he always seem to dangle in front of my face like a carrot. The constant closeness and then him pulling away was so extremely painful for me. I finally realized he is a man that can't love. All the wasted time and effort on this man and trying to analyze why he was treating me the way he did and hoping he'll change. He tried pulling that on me again after we broke up. This time I saw through him and the act. I felt amazing to say "enough is enough" . I finally valued myself and want a real relationship and not an illusion of one.
I'll bet it did, Nett. Enough is enough are powerful words when you're used to living for barely enough. You go, girl! 🙂 I can't wait to hear what's next for you!
Oh my goodness! My higher power is working in my life tonight. That's just what I needed to hear. I'm heartbroken. Just last evening I walked away from a man I care deeply about for the third or fourth time. For almost 3 years he would act as though he wanted a committed relationship, but within 2 weeks, he'd back off and change his mind. I care for him so much but each time I did have the strength to walk away. After a month or so of him chasing to get me back, I'd always go back to him thinking that he must care for me and miss me or he wouldn't be chasing me. So I'd go back to him. The 3rd time this happened I blocked him from all of my social media accounts, and phone and didn't speak with him for a year. He tried to contact me through mutual friends, but I stayed strong and refused to communicate with him. Close to a year later I was still pining for him and missed him so much. I unblocked him from my devices and eventually we started talking again. He seemed so different this time and very attentive and affectionate. It seemed as though he finally didn't take me for granted anymore. He seemed to respect me. Unfortunately that only lasted 2 weeks. He abruptly backed off and couldn't even commit to a lunch date. He said we should just be friends. This is the fourth time this has happened and I feel like such a fool. Such a fool. After this fourth and final time it is so clear to me that he and I will never be on the same page. I'm actually not a basket case today and have hopefully come to a place of acceptance. I'm almost too tired to hurt anymore. Can anyone relate?
Hi Joanna,
This has happened to me too. I was with a man for 2.5 years. He always used to tell me he wanted a committed relationship, marriage and children. He used to tell me all the time how I had all the qualities in a woman he wanted to marry. I met all his friends and family. We would be having a good period, where we would spend time together and get close. Then he'll pull away, not respond to text messages or phone calls and then come back a week or so later. I used to feel so hurt when that happened. Well, back in December he said that he needed space and needed to think about things. This came after we went on a romantic trip together. Well, he didn't call me to officially break up with me. So I tried my best to move on. Then in July, he magically appeared again saying how sorry he was and what a mistake it was breaking up with me and begged for a second chance. I was very cautious with him and went on three dates, which I thought was great. He would even text me after each date to tell me what a great time he had and was happy I was back in his life. Then my bday came, silence from him. Then he made it up to me and took me out for dinner (third date) again kept telling me he had a great time etc. Then again silence for another 1.5 weeks and he couldn't commit to any day to see me claiming he was "so busy with work". I finally had enough and told him it didn't seem like he was interested in getting back together. I blocked him from my phone and social media accounts. I finally realized he is never going to change and I can't keep doing this to myself. We deserve to have a man that is truly committed to us and wants to be with us without the "hot and cold" dance. Please stay strong and continue to put him on block. Trust me I know what how you feel, you're not alone.
Thank you Nett. The hot and cold is painful but at this point I no longer will waste my precious time. All the time I have wasted on him. And I tried so hard! It's nice to hear words of encouragement and support from women that have been through the same situation
Drop the fool part, Joanna. You learned! Sometimes it just takes us longer before it finally sinks in, but all that matters is that at some point, we do. So now you're free. Go feel that freedom. No more 2 weeks, a year, or whatever his timeline happens to be. This is where life begins on your own terms!
Thank you so much Jane!
I can relate, yes, yes and a resounding YES! again. Thank you for sharing. We are not alone <3
Thank you so much Jane for putting into words what my heart has been feeling for 3 years short of 2 months. The first year was amazing with this man- he was a dream come true and then one night due to my refusal to be intimate , he changed into a cold stranger. He has begged repeatedly that I stay with him and not date other men but he offers me nothing physical not even a hand hold. I have been feeling so lonely for so long but after reading your post I realize that there is only one decision to make: Goodby .
Bye! And hello new empowered Shaun! 🙂 Glad I could help make it so clear. PS a hand hold is the bare minimum of what you deserve! Don't get me started!
Your amazing Jane. Thank you, you nailed what I needed to hear today.
"You can't lose what never was yours in the first place". Your gift is helping so many of us, the way you detail. It's all making sense.
I'm so glad, Jasmine. I've been here more than a time or two or three. 🙂
This was so timely, Jane, and it describes 100% accurately my "relationship" with an emotionally unavailable man. I use the quotation marks because in hindsight, I realize that the two years of the on-and-off roller-coaster was not a true relationship. (I ran into more than one EUM in life -- one of them being my own father -- but now I'm only referencing the painful experience I had with someone as a grown woman.)
I did mourn the end of whatever I had with him, because the chemistry was great, and in the good times we had what felt like an amazing connection. But he was unreliable, callous, indifferent, a terrible communicator punishing me with the silent treatment whenever I asked deeper questions, and also a liar. Always blaming others, never himself. Never taking accountability for his own actions. I suffered because I saw the red flags early on, but I chose to silence my doubts and give him the benefit of the doubt, again and again. I chose to empathize with someone who never possessed empathy (not just toward me, but in general, in how he treated all those around him).
I was feeling low today, because I found myself in a situation in which I had to stand up for myself (and I did), and that triggered memories of this man from my past. Your post today made all the difference, Jane, so a big thank you. I've been among your readers for a long time, and your program helped me heal. I rarely leave comments, but I always thank you silently for everything that you do and put out there for those who need it. Thank you.
The big aside is that today I am in a healthy, stable marriage, raising a daughter very differently than my parents raised me. I am a far stronger person than I once was. (And I am among those who once thought they could never live, breathe, and be happy without that "love-of-my-life" guy. False. I did heal, and I did move on. Slowly, too slowly perhaps, but I did.) I met my current husband before choosing to pursue what I thought I had with the EUM, and after that fiasco ended, I realized even more what a generous, emotionally healthy, compassionate, honest, and reliable man the person who now is my husband is. Someone who has known me for so long, and who has stood by me in the hardest of times. I never had quite the same chemistry with him that I had with this awful guy from my past, but everything else has always been in place. There is genuine love and tenderness in this marriage, and 'fights' are fought honestly. I feel heard and understood and respected, there is none of the awful confusion. We have each other's backs. We know we can count on each other even in the worst of times (we've had our share of difficulties, but in a good relationship, things are talked about quickly, and problems are solved, they don't linger). We love each other, but I now have a very different understand of how I define love. It's much more profound than whatever I had with that guy, who clearly left a mark on my heart and soul, and not a good one. But despite the occasional triggers, I moved on.
I continue to read every single post and comment on this website, because they are constant reminders of how manipulated I was in previous relationships (whether with my father, my brother, this guy, or other similar people). Thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences. Today, I live with self-respect. In the past, I was crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased. One would be in their good graces, until they were no longer in their good graces. Until these guys needed to be counted on. Until someone held them accountable for their actions. Then they'd turn into raging narcissists, give the silent treatment, discard, and come back to bestow their great mercy on the victim of their emotional abuse, who, lost and confused, would end up apologizing for ever having questioned their actions/words/moral fiber. With my father, he was treating me so poorly, not talk to me for weeks (over some insignificant petty issue, typically because I would not adore and worship him the way he wanted to be idolized), but then *I* would be the one who'd have to grovel and ask for his forgiveness in order to patch things up. And my mother encouraged and perpetuated this cycle, always asking me to take "the higher road" (because "your father [brother/X, Y, Z] can't"). Add decades of this, and no wonder as a grown woman I fell for the same act.
I could go on and on, but what I wanted to say is: thank you, Jane. Thank you for your incredible insights, for always finding the right words, and for giving us a forum to heal from the traumas of the past.
Oh Cathy, I'm loving reading this comment from you! I'm so glad you've found someone real, who you never EVER again find yourself "crumbling under the shame of trying to be some meek version of myself just to please these men, who in reality could never be pleased". You read my former life, didn't you?! So inspiring to hear your story. Thank you for coming out to share. You have no idea how much it means to me - and the women you in turn inspire here with your own words!
Thank you, Jane!
I love your insight. We have much in common!
Thank you, Rebecca. We learn so much from one another. Until I found this forum, I thought I was the only one living with the burden. It made all the difference to understand the unhealthy patterns in toxic and abusive relationships. Best wishes to you!
"You see, you can’t lose a man who’s emotionally unavailable. He’s already gone. Because he was never really there in the first place."
Thank you, Jane, for reminding us of this again. It is the dream of a relationship that is over. The waking up hurts, but it doesn't have to hurt forever once we understand what happened. What happened is that we opened our hearts to men who could only open their hearts a little bit.
That has been my pattern, beginning with my relationship with my wounded parents. I am coming to understand that my ability to open my own heart has also been limited and that it does not have to be that way. I am coming to understand here that for most of my life, I did not know who I was or what I wanted. I was attracted to men much like me. They could only open their hearts a little bit. They likely had wounded parents, too.
When I was 17 years old, I thought that two hearts opened just a little bit was the most incredible thing that had ever happened to me, and it was!!!! My heart had never opened up that much before. I loved that man from a distance for 42 years.
In the years of yearning, my heart remained open that tiny bit but only in connection with him. It just wouldn't open that tiny bit for any length of time for anyone else.
When I was 66, I again had the experience of two hearts opening just a little bit, and that was what brought me here. I sensed almost immediately (progress!) that something wasn't quite right in that relationship. Instead of spending 42 years unable to let go, I was able to let go and wish the second man well a year later, knowing that the relationship had been mostly in my mind and that I had learned so much about myself as a result of that experience.
Here I am learning that there is much more to love than I had ever dreamed possible. I am not sure that I want a relationship at this time in my life but if that changes, I will know how to be myself in a relationship and to love in a way I could not before.
Thank you to everyone who commented already today. I learn so much from the experiences of other women.
You have such a beautiful heart, Ella. I will do everything I can by being here to remind you of exactly what you deserve to make sure you never waste it on anyone who could ever have the heart to treat you like you've been treated ever again!
Emotionally unavailable men are basically emotionally impotent - they are not capable of giving us what we need...
never invest more in a man than he is investing in you... never allow him to be your priority when he is only treating you like an option...
Exactly!
I have had a relationship with a man for three years we were engaged, we didn't live together and three times after being engaged he disappeared on me three separate times in the last year and always blowing up in anger leaving the house or hanging up on me but never called me back and never coming back. I have children and with each of these disappearing acts when he came back he promised to never do it again because you know how badly it hurt the kids because this is the only Dad they've known... he is very verbally abusive whenever he's gotten angry calls me names and cusses me out and I found out he was using steroids for bodybuilding and he promised he would never go back to using steroids when we got back together last time because it affects his his rage it makes it worse. It's been nine weeks since I have heard from him and My heart is broken! I have tried to contact him many many times for the last nine weeks and always loving on my text messages on my part voicemails but he's never return my call. It was never an official break up he just disappeared. I just am asking do I need to tell him how about the my heart is hurting? Do I need to tell him that he promised he would ever do this again? I feel like I gave him my all - massaging him cooking for him cleaning his house all the wonderful talks we had.I've never ever uttered a single cuss word to him even when he was the meanest to me and it's so painful to be ignored and rejected I just wonder is there anything I can do?
You are with an abuser. Please seek help to detach from this person. Your children's well-being and your own are at stake. You may not be able to sort this out on your own, you need support from true friends or family members you can rely on. If possible, please consult a therapist to regain your sense of self-worth, to identify any needs that have gone unmet within yourself and to get your power back. Much love and good luck to you.
So true, Angel. I wish I could give Rebecca a big hug. Long time ago, I was in a relationship with a similar abuser (minus the cussing words), and I experienced the devastating pain that comes from someone who does the disappearing act, only to return after loving messages and calls, promise this won't happen again, then disappear again, until I gave up on him. So I understand. It's toxic and damaging, and yes, Rebecca needs to detach.
I am still haunted by memories, every once in a while, but it's thankfully in the past.
hi Jane when you say leave a comment or share a story you never seem to amaze me as to where and how does she know and feel what im going through , you hit the nail on the head every time and it gets even better.. just when i think ok!!! what else can you say that touches the heart you come up with information about this in more detail.. and its head on ... thank you Jane... for toughing the very core of what is going on in my life i myself couldn't have expressed it in such detail... im feeling all of it but to actually put it as precisely ... on point as you do... gosh you have a gift ...thank you so much and keep it coming im alsways looking for more and more .. words to heal my heart my thoughts.. my actions my core thank you
Because you call me, Lynn. I never know who until you tell me, but someone alwasy does. Thank you for believing, for having the courage to be open when so many would stay closed, especially with all the things you've been through. Don't ever doubt the power of your thoughts, your words, your requests. These are all reminders of just how powerful you are. Don't ever doubt that! Wherever your answers come from, it doesn't matter the where, it only shows you as a reminder that they do - and that you, yes, you, are the one who calls in exactly what you need to remind you of your beautiful power. It never leaves you!
My fiancée just broke up with me two months before the wedding. We were dating for two years with a few breaks in between. We had a strong physical connection but not emotional. I felt like there was always something missing and that our relationship was always very superficial. He was often distant and was always running away after we would spend couple of days together. I knew it would be too painful to brake up with him so I tried dating other people and tried to push him away and that's when he started to chase me and was giving me the world just to be with him. He asked me to marry him because he did not want to loose me. Of course I accepted! I thought this man has changed so much, I was the happiest woman in the world! He was so excited too. Well, the excitement quickly wore off and he started pulling away again and instead of us spending more time together we spent less, talked less, he would text one line a day. Until one day we had a minor argument over text after which he hasn't called for a week. I finally confronted him and asked what he was telling me with the silence. By my request we met that day and he told me he did not want to be together because we do net get along and he wants to be alone. He mentioned few instances which I thought were minor and definitely not the reason to brake up. I was devastated to believe that we would have future together. Heartbroken.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Mariana . I know that what I'm about to say is probably the last thing you want to hear, but you have dodged an enormous bullet. He did you a favor. Marrying someone like this would have been a terrible mistake. When you feel a bit better, ask yourself why you were willing to make a marriage out of a simple "physical connection", a superficial non-emotional connection. Your answers lie within you. Examine that when you're ready.
Oh, what a coward. I am so sorry you've been through this, Mariana. Angel is right, I agree with her. It would have been terrible to marry this individual. I realize how badly it hurt, but you really did dodge a bullet, like she says. A divorce from this guy would have been so much more painful than any hurt he already put you through.
I will give you another perspective, which may or may not be relevant to you. A friend of mine went through a very similar relationship to what you describe (and to what I also experienced). After a while, because he was not committing, she broke up with him. It was at that point that he started pursuing her relentlessly until she gave in (she still loved him). She thought that maybe he really did love her, and agreed to get back together. Within a week or two, he was pulling away again, so my friend unexpectedly dropped by his house one evening. He did not initially respond, but when he opened the door, he gave her some lame excuses, only for another woman to pop her head out from his bedroom. It became obvious that he only had wanted to get back together with my friend so that he had the opportunity to have the upper hand in breaking up with her. She was crushed at the time, absolutely devastated. But there is a happy ending, she ended up meeting her current husband and she is in a much happier place now.
I experienced similar things. The guy I was seeing would come back to me, just so he could later start to demolish all my objections to him in the past, and prove to me how wrong I was to complain in the first place. His ego was so fragile, he needed to constantly have the last word in.
This may or may not apply to your relationship. It took me two years of being with him on and off, and much more time after the end of the relationship, to finally understand the level of gaslighting and blame shifting coming from these people. In my case, I was clearly dealing with someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. (There's an entire forum on Quora.com discussing these personality types, and their dating patterns. Perhaps it's not relevant to your case.)
Please have hope knowing that as much as it hurts, it really was for the better that your relationship with this guy didn't last. For someone to disappear like that for a week over an argument over text is a very bad sign. I was the victim of the silent treatment, too, which I find it to be a very cowardly way to deal with conflict. The silent treatment is a horrible method of emotional abuse, because it gives the receiver no chance to work through any issues, and it makes you doubt your sanity and your thoughts. If this is how he acted now, imagine only how he would have reacted to the slightest conflict in a marriage, or when you'd both be sleep deprived after having a child. You don't want that kind of husband.
When I would feel low in the past, I'd read the comments from other women here. Understanding that I was not alone took the sting away from my experience, though not necessarily the pain. With time (a very long time), the pain faded, too. It may sound impossible to believe now, but I know that you, too, will feel better, and stronger, living your authentic life.
Hi Mariana, it hurts but you will see in the future that it was for the best. He sounds like someone with A LOT of emotional issues.
Think about it, could you live the rest of your life like that?
Probably not.. and you shouldn't!
Oh Mariana, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I know how hard it is to be objective and see the truth for what it is when your heart is so freshly breaking, but I hope you will take the words and support from everyone here to show you that yes, this is the bullet you dogdged, the life you saved yourself from. Not yet, but some day soon, I promised you, you will. Don't ever doubt that. Love could never ever be so cruel to slam a door to your heart as painfully as this, and not give you something and someone so beautiful in its place. You deserved so much more than what you went through. Don't you dare let his grievances sit for even one more moment on you!
That is so very sad and must be devastating to go through, at least you know you got out before the marriage and divorse? You will meet someone amazing and fun, talk about a downbuzz time for some fun, and no more bring me down! Love ?
Im 49 years old and I seem to be attracting men who are not completely availability or have commitment issues. Im currently in a relationship for 6 months and is going downhill again. He started as sweet and wanting to see me and spend time with me. Past 2 months im doing all the effort and scheduling just to see him.. We barely talk we just text. Im exhausted if chasing him. I know what i have to do but why is it so hard to just walk away and move on. I thought he was the one for me.Help...
Don't text, Marina. When we settle for texting, it's all going downhill. He wasn't the one. Sounds like you've got downhill covered. Now you're ready for uphill! I'm comign along with you!
I'm so grateful to have come across this page.
I never understood when a man is emotionally unattached. Until now.
My ex has done everything in his power to communicate with me. I did everything possible to block him because I was done with his games. He still managed to connect through email. Now I'm in an amazing place in my life where I finally love myself.
Him and I just had a great telephone conversation where I asked him....why do you act weird when you see me? His response was.... I don't know. Then he's wanting to fly me to see him. I suggest he come to me. He hasn't responded. That was 3days ago..... because I'm in a good place it's kinda funny. In the past it would make me crazy.
So thank you for helping me understand emotionally unavailable. If I do speak to him again I'll let him know. ❤️
Yes great advice worth more than a dumb text, come see me if you got something important to say!!!
This is so timely for me, Jane. We were only together for 6 or 7 weeks but it was amazing, and he did seem to be really there - I didn't see it coming when he broke up with me last weekend, even though I've got really good at spotting red flags now. It feels like such a huge loss and the sadness and heaviness just runs right through me. It has also shaken my sense of my own judgement. He said he's just not ready for a relationship, but his actions and words in the beginning suggested he really was. I now mourn the loss of the amazing time we had together - it did seem real, it was real to me, and I believe to him at the time too... It's so hard, I don't want to keep going through this 🙁 I really thought I had found something real this time.
I know the feeling... been there recently too. We feel it's true, he makes us believe that. And then.. pff, he disappeared, just like that...
Sorry you have to go through that, you are not alone.
It's hard because I know the connection was true. We both felt a heart connection, not just physical chemistry. He described it as very intense, that he'd never felt that before. It's just that a lasting relationship didn't follow, simple because he's not ready. This is why it's so hard, because it was a real and true connection, but the relationship part couldn't endure at this point. He says he needs time. I've gone no contact. I've done all the right things; I can see that there's no loss of real enduring relationship, yet it hurts like hell because our connection is lost. I miss him.
Good you know you've done the right things... I always suffer thinking I could've done something different!
Call less, send less messages, wait for him to chase me, beacuse women can't chase men... I always think I showed too much affection too soon.. It eats me up inside.
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ?
He'd never felt this before exactly so why does he leave when the connection is great! this close bond makes me want to stay❣ Men are a pain, just lighten up and let's have some fun ? whoops comment for clairey
He wasn't real, Clairey, but not because of you. It's really easy to be amazing for 6 or 7 weeks, but that's not what you're lookign for. We're going for real, long term, all that good stuff you deserve with your beautiful heart and soul. Let yourself feel but don't stay here. So much better to be wrong about someone after 6 or 7 weeks, than after any more weeks, months or even years. Next!
Like ?❤ now just have to out it into practice and not go back! He left me on new years eve again - took me out for dinner, I said I noticed all night at restaurant he barely looked at me..caused him to spin out ditch me before our 2 week holiday including my daughter's wedding, talk about gut renching!!! WHY??? Been together on off for nearly 2 years ? he makes me very sad.
This letter describes my "relationship" to a T, I feel so devastated. I know he was as crazy about me as I was him, Yet always had that feeling he had one eye waiting on Miss Perfect to come along.. all his life.
I am so sad and heart broken. But you're right.. it's not over what was... but what in my mind could have been, This was my first and hopefully lady experience with an unavailable man. Every time we got close after an amazing few days he'd pull away and I wouldn't hear from him for couple days and then he'd act aloof. He did meet my family a few times but what stood out to me was he'd never make plans for the future... not even the weekend ahead. He'd never get completely open yet would never totally let me go.
Same with me, the what if...... Same story to the T
Exactly, Lugo. It's what you in your heart already know.
Spot on truth.
Glad it resonated with you, Lorraine.
It's interesting. I've never truly felt loss when it comes to the men in my past. Or maybe I just understood it like an emptiness, but it came from me trying so hard to be perfect or agreeable, not because they ever filled anything in me. I've never had anyone so that's why "loss" is not really a word that comes to mind for me. Maybe losing hope, but not a "him".
I'm glad I never had any of those hims. They weren't what I made them out to be in my mind. I was young, naive, insecure as hell, clueless. I'm still insecure, but I've become better at seeing my insecurities and just letting them be.
I've been wondering lately what being in love is. I look back and I'm not sure I was in love even though back then I thought it was. I just figure... How could I have been in love if all those experiences were unrequited? It doesn't make sense to me. I think I don't know what being in love is. I have no idea what a relationship is, no idea what love is, at least in the romantic sense.
Lately I've been dreaming of some of the men from my past, the first ones. Out of the blue they showed up in my dreams and I think it might have been my mind working out closure. Somehow I wasn't angry at them anymore. Just... Surprised to see them and overall ok. It may mean I've probably began letting go if I don't feel anger anymore.
Sounds like it, Angel. You'll know.