This week, beautiful Lolly shares her story with us, about how her boyfriend broke up with her through a text message, which is becoming more and more common. But, as always, the real story of the relationship goes much deeper than that.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane.
Firstly I would like to thank you and all the amazing women in your forum for all the advice that you provide here, it has made a tremendous impact in my life.
I have been seeing this guy for over a year now. He is 34 and I am turning 33 in 2 days.
He doesn't have kids and I have 2 kids (boys). We never really labeled our relationship from the beginning (big mistake.) Everything just happened so fast, from him sending me flowers at work on my birthday after just two months of knowing each other to us spending most of our time together.
It came to a point where we were literally spending almost all the weekends together as we live very close to each other.
So as time went on and us having serious discussions about our relationship, future goals etc., he indicated to me that he was not ready for a serious relationship as he was still focusing on his career.
I made it clear that if I happen to meet someone who wants to settle down I will leave the relationship. He begged me and said if that ever happens he will have to step up and make things right with me (in my mind I thought he meant commitment.)
He has been very good to me in terms of being there for me in any manner that I can ever imagine. He was playing the boyfriend role I felt like we were in a serious relationship. He took me on vacation with his friends and their girlfriends during the new year.
He has always been telling me that I am an amazing woman and he is lucky to have me in his life.
But throughout our relationship I have been seeing some bit of red flags. He was always refusing to take pictures with me. I am a big fan of photos, I enjoy taking photos wherever I go, but he would tell me it`s just not his thing. I understood because I thought maybe he is just being a man.
And also whenever I would suggest us to do something fun like going out, etc., he would refuse saying it's not in his mind. During our vacation I caught him flirting with some girl on his whatsapp and he later apologized saying it was nothing serious and said that he would hate to break my heart.
Our relationship looked so serious in a sense that we supported each other through thick and thin when it comes to our careers, daily lives, work, etc. I was also there for him when he had left his job and was starting his company.
I was always there for him emotionally and physically, but not financially, even though I would loan him my car when he needed to go for job interviews or do some of his business dealings. He then got a job at the beginning of the year and I was still there for him. In all of this I never would have imagined him breaking things off with me via text.
I sent him a text on Friday saying he has been quiet and that I'm worried that he might be seeing someone else.
The reason I texted him is because we were growing far apart by the day, he no longer contacted me like he used to. I ended up being the one initiating contact most of the time, up until I decided to stop contacting him and he would maybe call after a few days telling me he misses me and we would meet, maybe spend a night together, but it would just end there nothing more.
No more serious talks like we used to have, he was becoming cold by the day.
He then responded on Sunday morning saying that he has been seeing someone recently and that he doesn't regret what we had and that I will always be part of his life. He then said he would love to sit down and explain things in person even though he knows it won't make much of a difference.
What hurts me the most is the manner in which he has handled this whole thing.
After a year of knowing each other I wouldn't expect him to end things off via a text. Am I not worth that much? I know our communication has been broken down in the past weeks and I have already made peace with the fact that things might end at any time from now, but I guess what also saddens me is the fact that he had to do all of this just 3 days before my birthday!
After I went all out on his birthday making sure he enjoyed it and even got him a present, even though I did this with an open heart, I just didn't think that he would break my heart on my birthday.
It's like a slap in the face.
I'm also angry at myself for not listening to him the first time when he said he wasn't ready to commit. I should've walked away as soon as he said it but instead I remained hopeful thinking that things are gonna change.
He wants to meet with me so we can talk. I don't know why he still wants to talk when he said it himself that it won't change anything - meaning that his mind is already made. I also think that is something he should've done before sending me that cold text.
I don't know if I still want to see someone who has shown me that level of disrespect. I seriously don't know. Please help Jane!
Anything you can tell me now will be much appreciated.
- Lolly
My Response:
I’m so glad you reached out, Lolly. This isn’t easy to go through, especially alone.
On the one hand, you can look back and see all those things you think you should have known or done better about. But on the other, you know what he did was done by him and all you did was believe in the potential of what it seemed like it could have been.
A different ending wasn’t up to you, Lolly.
Yes, a more decent, a more capable, a more stand-up guy would have been honest with you before he ended things with a text, but this is who he revealed himself to be and I don’t see any benefit of talking through this with him now. It’s only for his own conscience that he wants to talk more about his decision with you in person, but I think that’s only going to hurt you more.
Look at me, Lolly. I know I’m not there, but if I was, here’s what I would say to you in person.
You saw more than what this man showed you on the surface. You saw what was underneath. You saw someone with real potential, someone who seemed to be on your page, someone who seemed like he could be. You saw through eyes that knew it might be a long shot, but sensed that he was the kind of man who would be worth finding out.
I’ve done the same thing. So have most of us on here. Same story, but different because they're our own stories.
Don’t look back.
I know that’s easier said than done, but don’t go there. Let this go with the knowing that you did the best you could with what you knew. I know that can sound so cliché, but there’s something so true about that here.
See, we all share this heart, Lolly. The kind that wants to believe in someone, that sees the best in someone and their potential, and excuses away the red flags and doesn’t take him at his word.
This is what we do. Until it hurts too much. Until we learn that we can’t keep doing something that’s so detrimental to ourselves, to our self-worth, to our self-confidence, to our tender, loving hearts and souls.
Then we stop. Not too late. But right on time.
We pick ourselves up. We dust ourselves off. We uncover our long buried wings, and we learn to fly all over again.
This is my vision for you, Lolly. You’re down, but not out. Never out.
It may feel like you’re broken, but you’re going to rise stronger than ever before. You’ve got your two beautiful boys to remind you of what matters in life. They matter. You matter. People matter.
Even this man, too, is doing the best he can with what he’s been through in his life. You don’t have to understand it or even try to because it’s not about him, it’s about how you feel right now.
It hurts. It feels like such a betrayal and worse, because it could end like this. Sure, you could have done some things different, but so could we all.
You’ll be stronger next time. You’ll be clearer next time. You’ll see things before they happen next time.
Or you won’t. Because you don’t have to.
You can live this beautiful life of yours however you choose. You don’t answer to anyone. Not for what you think you should have done, not for what you can imagine anyone thinking you should have done.
We beat ourselves up way too hard and too often for simply being a human heart with a belief in love and a belief in what love can do.
I’ll see that beautiful heart of yours, Lolly, and I’ll raise you mine. Along with every other woman on here. You’re never, ever alone.
Love,
Jane
What do you think beautiful Lolly should do in this situation? Share your thoughts, stories, words of encouragement, or whatever you'd like to share with her right below in the comments.
Wow. I could have written this. There are so many similarities to what I am going through right now. I got broken up with by text as well, after two years of being with someone. He spent a lot time with my two kids, I supported him emotionally when he lost his job. He was my main support person. We spent a ton of time together, and if not together we would always be on the phone. In fact the day before the break up text I think we talked about 5 times on the phone.
At the same time, if I addressed where the relationship stood he would always say we are just taking things slow, you don't need a label, my actions speak louder than words. He would never go in a photo with myself and my kids. He wouldn't add me to his facebook. And I never met his friends once, even though he went out with them at least once a week. Even with all this I stayed with him never knowing if we were actually in a relationship. Thinking that because his actions were all perfect, that it was fine. As everyone says, actions speak louder than words.
I had said something on the phone the night before the text about how he goes out often with his friend. He flipped out and told me well his kids are grown and yours aren't. I was like wtf. I said you know we will talk tomorrow. And then I get the text the next day. In the text he said he couldn't give me what I wanted, didn't want a relationship with someone with young kids and that he had to think long and hard about this decision.
Then a week later he is back online dating 'looking for a relationship'.
I have been devastated, lost, confused, hurt, crying all the time. Trying to stay together for my kids.
I understand how you are feeling. This hurts and confuses and is just plain awful. It feels like this heart ache will never get better right now. I am trusting that I will soon be able to let it go. But for right now I am bawling my eyes out daily.
Reading through your story is like reading mine all over again Courtney.
My advice to you is please consider all the responses from these amazing women, take them and apply them into your own life, take them as though they are being directedto you, because they are. Your focus now should be in your kids and yourself, sometimes we spend too much time focusing on these men that treat us bad and we neglect the love that is right in front of us which the love from our kids, family and friends.
You will get through this, just like I will get through mine. Time heals everything. Stay strong and try not to contact him again.
All the best!
Sending love to you, Lolly. You are in good company here. You are worthy of love. Kind wishes on your birthday and always!
This is very sweet of you Ella thanks for the birthday wishes, I will be doing shipping this weekend with my sister, retail therapy is needed after all..Lol. thank you for the love.
I know I will get there....Baby steps!
This made me cry. I remember going through this 4 yrs ago. I will tell you that this will pass. Make a promise to yourself to learn from this experience. I'm a mother of 3 and it was hard for me to do my job as a mom because I couldn't stop crying. I cried for weeks.
What truly helped me was blocking all contact with him. I did this because he would contact me sporadically over nothing. Just to make himself believe he is not such a bad person. After all he still wants to be my "friend". So when he would contact me my heart would start aching and the crying would start again. Why would I want to stay in touch with someone who tore my heart to bits?
Stay strong and know that many women have gone through this and come out stronger. You will too.
My heart truly bleeds for you.
So many women fall for this "trap". I gave 5 yrs of my life to a man who told me from day 1 that he didn't want a relationship. Yet he would treat me like his girlfriend. Got upset if he even thought I was talking to another guy. He was my best friend. We talked about everything. We broke up almost 4 yrs ago. It was the worst heart break I had ever experienced. I went NC and blocked him. I have not communicated with him since. But you know what? I am grateful for that experience because I learnt from it. I took a break from dating to work on me. Work on my self esteem and to teach myself how to be happy without a relationship. I was ready to get back out there once I knew I love myself so much that I won't settle for anything less than what I deserve and I was ok with being single if Mr. Right never shows up. I started dating in Feb of this year. In that time , I have dodged so many bullets.
The last guy I went out with was the sweetest guy ever. Treated me like the goddess I am. We were dating and having fun that I didn't think to ask him what his relationship expectations were. So I asked him straight up. His answer. "I'm not opposed to a relationship... however I am not looking for anything meaningful at the moment". (Note that his online profile said he was). My response? "I totally understand" So now that I know he goes to the bottom of the pile and will not get any more of my time. My time should be spent with an emotionally available man. Not a man that's dating for a sport.
If you chose to stay with a man that has clearly told you he doesn't want a relationship, he will only assume that you are ok with it as well. If that is not what you want WALK! No matter how "nice" he is. If he comes back and says "I like your company we can hang out as friends" My response "Sure. But I need to let you know that I do not have sex with my male "friends"" They usually disappear into the sunset.
I wish you all the best (((hugs)))
"took a break from dating to work on me. Work on my self esteem and to teach myself how to be happy without a relationship" this is exactly what I need to do right now. Thank you Princess, Its good to see that you now have to strength and courage to walk away the minute they tell you they are not ready.
Your story inspires me that I will one day reach to that level of self awareness! Thank you.
(((Hugs))). Know that many women have walked this path and have reached the other side. Trust that you will.
Hold your head high Lolly, you've done nothing wrong. You wanted to believe in him, in his potential, in him seeing what you had the way you saw it - those are all good things to want for yourself. Unfortunately he isn't who you want/need him to be.
My ex broke up with me via a sequence of texts after knowing each other six years (four of which we were either officially a couple or intimate without labelling it) and at the time I tried to pursue 'closure' by asking him to meet up so we could talk, after so many years we owed each other that etc. etc. EVERYONE told me not to meet him, from my Mom to my counsellor and so I didn't...and I have no regrets about it. What else could he have said? Nothing could have repaired what he had done.
I think social media, WhatsApp etc. adds to this feeling of people being disposable...you don't like someone? Get a new one! Dating apps are similar. Whatever happened to decency and human kindness I'll never know, but there is someone much better for you out there 🙂
"Whatever happened to decency and human kindness I'll never know" you can say that again. In 2017 you'd expect a common decency of a person to sit you down and talk things off instead of sending you a cold break up text.
Thank you for making a reference on your story Mollie we learn from each other's experiences...Thank you
Wow Jane I`m so honoured that you have picked my letter, I`m over joyed right now, this has to be the best birthday present ever.
Thank you all for all the amazing responses I now know what to do.
So my birthday was 2 days ago, I just turned 33. he sent me a text in the morning wishing me well for my birthday and thanking me for loving him through his flaws, but the text seemed more of a friendship than anything else. in my mind I`m thinking he is trying to prepare me so that he can ask that I continue being his "friend'.
I spent this whole week being my birthday week crying, there were times where I would just break down and crying while i was driving, I felt so humiliated, and the fact that everyone who knew about him, my friends and sisters are busy asking what he got me for my birthday as they know that I went all out on his, and I still can`t bring myself to tell them what really happened.
I know after your beautiful response Jane and all the heart warming messages from all the amazing Women in this forum I`m gonna feel better. and thank you all for highlighting to me that meeting him is all just for him to clear his conscience and not to benefit me in any way. and I still find that being selfish of him. I will not meet with him, every time when I feel like meeting him I will come again to this post and read all your responses so that I can gather up courage and strength.
it`s sad that no matter how many times we get hurt it always feels like it`s something new. I never thought that I would be so heart broken on my 33rd birthday. it`s not an easy road but I will get there.
oh Lolly, my pleasure! What you've been through - how my heart goes out to you. And especially hard on your birthday week. Happy Birthday - it's going to get better from here. I'm so glad my response and all the responses you've received have resonated with you. You're not alone, I hope you're seeing that, especially in your tears. Allow yourself to feel the outpouring of love and support for you. Feel everything, Lolly. Hold your head up high and tell your friends and sisters that he wasn't on your page, that he wasn't good enough for you, that you deserved better. Believe every one of those words as you say them out loud. They're your truth!
I wish we could learn things first the easy way, but it rarely works that way. Remember, though, it's through experience we get crystal clear on what we don't want and will never tolerate again and then comes the clarity on what we do want. That's when we find exactly that and nothing less! It isn't an easy road but I have every confidence in you that you are going to come through this, too! Wrapping my arms around you for a hug. This, too, will pass.
"Hold your head up high and tell your friends and sisters that he wasn't on your page, that he wasn't good enough for you, that you deserved better". I used your words exactly this past weekend to my sister, and she was very supportive towards me. Thank you so much for such a great advice. I am feeling much better now, and whenever I feel down and in doubt I know where to go (your blog).
Thank you for the birthday wish I had an amazing time with family despite what happened to me, I have confidence that I will get through this. your amazing responses are what keeps me going.
I'm gonna be blunt because I would want someone to do this for me. Even though you are in so much pain right now (I've been there too): remember your dignity. Your self-respect needs to come before any relationship with a man. Right now the pain is blocking your ability to see a better question.
Your current question: This man said he didn't want a serious relationship. I feel betrayed because he took me on vacation & was emotionally & physically intimate with me. He showed all the signs of being involved with another woman/women. Despite him pulling away more & more, I repeatedly initiated contact & intimacy toward the end, only to have him break it off by text. SHOULD I GO MEET UP WITH HIM?
Your dignity wants you to cry, take care of yourself and your two sons, talk to someone you can trust or a professional, and finally.... You may discover a your heart has a different question.
"remember your dignity. Your self-respect needs to come before any relationship with a man". I hope I can always remember this everytime when I meet someone who says he's not ready. Thank you for such truth Janet.
After all these advice I can safely say that I am finding strength and courage to move on, I know that I will still have days where I will wish all this is a lie and wish to be with him, but I know that all this will pass. And all your courageous messages will be the reminder as to why I need to move on and forget about him.
Hi Lolly,
So sorry to hear this happened. Just seeing how this man treated you, it's so clear it's about him and not you - I know those have felt like hollow words to me when people have said them, but his treatment of you is about him, not you. Anyone who thinks it's okay to break it off with someone over text, after that person spent a year with you and supported you, isn't emotionally well.
And you deserve someone emotionally well to be with you, who is healthy enough to look at you and think of how his actions are going to affect you, to see that you were showing up with him the way a woman shows up with a man when she's in a relationship with him, and that maybe he should back away or cut it off or explain that he really can't be in a relationship, when clearly you can and you want to be.
I've been there, and at the time, the mourning period seems so arduous and long, but it does pass! No matter how bad the heartbreak, by letting myself cry and not forcing anything, it always passes. Then it's on to the next - the right man who will give you what you need and treat you wonderfully, the way you deserve!
Another thing is that you showed up in this relationship with this man (because it really does seem like a relationship, labels or not, given how you two were engaging with each other) in such a supportive, loving, and healthy way. That shows YOU have the health it takes to be a loving partner to someone. No reason at all that shouldn't come back around to you... karma in the good way... 🙂
"And you deserve someone emotionally well to be with you, who is healthy enough to look at you and think of how his actions are going to affect you," thank you for such kind words Morgan.
I know right now it may seem as if he was/is who I am meant to be, but thank you for reminding me that I deserve better than this. And that it's ok to go through what I'm going through, the pain and all just so I can pave a way for someone who is worthy of my love and support.
Thank you so much for this it really helps.
I've been with the same type of man for 2 1/2 years. We are broken up three times in the last year because he continues to talk to other women online & hide it from me.
What I've learned is that is a pattern of behavior which means he isn't going to change just because he loves you. If he doesn't love and respect himself enough to make a healthy choice of being with a woman who truly loves him... then he's not for you. I love him but I don't trust him. I love him but I no longer respect him for the way he's treated me. I would not choose to be with someone that I can't trust and that I don't respect. I have two boys as well. What message does that send them that it's OK for men to be like that?
By trying to stay loyal to someone who didn't deserve me or my kids - I was missing out on actually finding the love of my life.
When I finally cut off all ties with that person I met the most amazing man in a few weeks. Because now I was open to it!
Good luck!! I know how you feel. I've been where you are. And I know that there are other great men out there waiting for you to want what you want and won't do that to you. Don't ever settle....if you think you're with someone because you're trying to be loyal, ask yourself what are you being loyal to? Remember that herpes is also loyal! Lol! Sorry for the crude reference but it's true. Just because you're trying to be loyal to something doesn't necessarily make it healthy for you!!!
Thank you Melanie, I love how you put everything out there for me to see this man for who he is.
Thank you for also giving me hope that one day I'll meet someone who is ready to give me what I deserve.
I'm glad to hear that you have also met an amazing man in your life, may God bless you and your boys!
Sorry Lolly. I've been going thru similar. Ask yourself what the outcome of a meeting with him could be when he's said it will change nothing ? Most likely you will walk away feeling more demoralized as he clears his conscience & just reaffirms that he doesn't want you. Try to find joy in other areas of your life. This might not sound v.sympathetic that's only because in some sense I know exactly how you're feeling and the advice I give is the advice I need to take myself. You are strong Lolly xx
"Most likely you will walk away feeling more demoralized as he clears his conscience & just reaffirms that he doesn't want you" this makes perfect sense, thank you so much for putting it out there for me to see, sometimes we need a blunt truth in order for us to be able to open our eyes.
I'm sorry that you also had to go through something similar.
Thank you Daisy.
Oh Lolly. I'm so sorry you're heartbroken on a special time like your birthday. It really does suck that this happened to you. I've been right where you are, with the pain, the confusion, the anger and all the feelings that come with these experiences.
Like Jane, I don't see what the point is in talking to him again. This would be for him to wash his hands and have "a clean" conscience, but it's definitely not for your benefit nor to be respectful to you. Being respectful to you would have been more like him being extra clear from the get-go and respecting your wishes and leaving things be before any of the comfy stuff he got from you. He's already shown you how cowardly and selfish he is. This is who he is. It makes no sense for you to continue to excuse anything. Love doesn't hurt.
What I did after the last time this happened to me was think long and hard about why I didn't walk away when his words were uttered about not wanting me for anything serious. I discovered a lot of issues inside me and beliefs that were sweet, but naive and extremely harmful.
I have no idea what you could find underneath, but I think it's worthwhile to get to know yourself better.
I hope things begin to be clearer for you soon and that as they come up for you, that you become stronger and heal from this experience.
Good luck to you, Lolly.
Hugs.
Many of my truths in this response Angel. Well said!
Thank you Angel I have also decided that I need a break and focus on myself, and also try to find out why I keep on attracting the same type of guys, it's not an easy road, but thank you for your kind words.
So my ex threw me out of the home we were living in on a Friday afternoon over WhatsApp. We lived together for one year and three weeks before that we were looking at a house to buy together. He never told me it was another woman but I suspect so as 3 weeks after the break up be told me he's heartbroken. I think it was another woman as he'd also become distant, was online in WhatsApp in the day not with me. He had to have new clothing for the Friday for work.... The day he threw me out.
7 months later and I'm still not over I'd, my heart is shattered. We planned a future together. He told me it's because I neglected him and didn't spend enough time when him, yet I was complaining about him not spending enough with me. We also don't have one pic together... In a year?! I never saw his cellphone, it was always on silent. He has an ex wife and child and she messages him daily, the child is 9! My future is completely without plan now, I'm 36 single never married no kids and currently living with my mom. I'm planning to move out when I'm emotionally stronger, but I feel lost...
No purpose
Oh I'm very sorry to hear that Vanessa I can imagine what you must be going through, I don't understand stand why a person would even to such lengths of even looking for a house with you knowing very well that you are not the one who's meant to occupy it, that is a very cruel thing to do. Just take your time and heal and move out of your home when you are ready, because right now you need people around you. It shall come to pass no matter when. Just use Jane's advice and all the support from the amazing women in this community and you'll be alright, I know it's easier said than done but just take each day as it comes..
All the best!
Let it go. Nothing you say will change who he is. Cry as much as you need to. There is so many emotionally damaged people out there. Sadly, they damage others along the way. It hurts a lot. I've just gone through it. One moment he was sprouting sonets and the next he was in love with another. Let yourself grieve but do not let him seek an audience with you, this would only be for his own benefit. Guilt. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Thank you so much Antonio for this, your support means a lot to me.