One of our gorgeous readers, Heather, is having a hard time letting go of a relationship that she knows is not what she wants.
Here's her letter:
Hi Jane!
I've been following you for a little while. I find your explanations and responses very comforting...so thank you!
I'm going to try to summarize this as best I can.
I met a man almost 3 years ago who changed my world. We were together for almost 2 years with a brief break in the middle. Our issue then and what ended up breaking us up was the issue of having kids.
He's 10 years older than me. He has 3 foster kids and didn't want to have anymore. I wasn't ready to give up on the idea of having kids so we split.
We didn't talk for a little while after the break up but then ended up staying in contact until about a month ago.
I tried dating while we were apart but I just felt like I was betraying him. So I stopped because they showed me where my heart still was.
Our exchanges led me to believe there was still something there. I started rethinking everything (without telling him because I don't want to toy with someone's emotions.)
Then I found out he's seeing someone else.
I asked him about it because he wasn't communicating as much and his responses were short...just felt off. He said he was tired of being alone. And that he still has feelings for me but we broke up for a reason.
I messaged him and told him that dating hadn't worked for me because he still had my heart and that I had been rethinking things. I also said maybe this is my sign to move on.
He didn't respond.
We haven't spoke since because I told him it would be too hard for me. It's been almost 2 months since we last spoke and well over a year since we broke up.
And I am destroyed.
I miss him and the kids everyday and I'm struggling to let go. I struggle with wanting to tell him how I feel about having kids which has since done a 180.
I'm just so confused about whether or not I should do something because I don't want to interfere if he's moved on and happy.
Because that's really what I want for him...to be happy.
I'm struggling with my self worth because now I'm just wondering if he only stayed in contact with me because he was lonely and knew I'd answer.
I just don't know where to go from here. Can you offer me some advice?
- Heather
My Response:
Oh Heather, I’m so glad you reached out.
And I'm glad you’re finding some comfort here.
Reading your email, I can see why you’re feeling so conflicted. So many feelings about him, about you, about something as big as having children, about what your entire relationship was or wasn’t to him.
It’s no wonder you feel the struggle of it all. It can’t feel free at all!
What stands out for me the most here, Heather, is the need to end the struggle. Whenever we’re in struggling mode, we can’t see the forest from the trees. We can’t see what’s there and what’s not there, and most importantly, we can’t see what we need.
What’s missing here? What do you need to know to bring you peace?
If you can let it go without reaching out to him, then do that. But it doesn’t sound like you can. And there’s nothing wrong with that!
In fact, so often we do more damage to ourselves by berating ourselves for NOT being able to let it go than we could ever do by taking action in ways that acknowledge and accept who we are and why we can’t just let go!
Let’s narrow this down for you to make it simpler.
I know it never feels simple, but looking at what we know for sure can help you to figure out what you’re dealing with in the reality that’s right in front of you versus all the many possible unknowns.
You’ve got a man who has set a very strong boundary around whether he wants any more kids in his life. Bottom line, he doesn’t want any more and this is a non-negotiable point with him. Which means you have to be on his same page and make peace with not having biological children of your own if you want to be with him.
He began dating someone when you broke up because he said he doesn’t want to be alone.
Then you’ve got your indecision.
You want to communicate with him, you want to keep the lines of communication open, but you know it will be too hard on you to continue to do so while getting nothing more in return.
And so here you are.
Feeling more confused than ever, more uncertain of your next move with him, or even if there should be one. And underneath it all, I suspect that you just wanted him to come to you, to tell you that your feelings after the break weren’t a sign to move on, to give you something that tells you – that shows you – that he’s willing to come your way, too.
Instead, all you got was silence.
Heather, you’ve got a lot here to sort out. It doesn’t sound like your done with him. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got the clarity you need within yourself to move forward let alone let go of him.
It’s completely understandable that you’re still feeling so deeply affected by him no matter how long it’s been.
Yes, we can all chime in and say it’s time to let go and move on just like the popular culture would tell you to do. But it sounds like this is deeper than him, that you need to find the clarity within yourself to discover what you most want to say to him.
If writing it all down in a letter to him (that you don’t send) doesn’t bring you the closure and peace you’re looking for, then do what you gut instinct is telling you to do even if that means reaching out and communicating with him to get more clear on what you had, on what hasn’t changed, or on what might still be.
You’ve got a lot of unanswered questions underneath your feelings, don’t be afraid to get yourself those answers. There’s no shame in that!
Honestly, when we look back, it’s not on what we did do that most of us have our greatest regrets about; it’s what we didn’t do.
Don’t be afraid to do that!
And then write back and let me know what you find out.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any insight or words of advice to offer our beautiful friend, Heather? Please share them with her below in the comments!
Masha says
Wow, so many people here on the same boat .
I need advise . I dated a guy for 7 months and he says all the right thing and he does the right things, introducing me to his friends and family and we have gone on the trips together ,spent time with me when he is not working , told me he loves me after a few months dating , planning trips in the future ... etc but when I ask if we are in the committed relationship he said " I almost there " why can we enjoy what we have . I found out that he occasionally looks at the Bumble app when I asked him what's going on he said just a curiosity . ( he just finalize his divorce in May of 2019 ) I told him I am not comfortable dating someone who is still looking at the dating site after 7 months into the relationship . So I told him I want a break and said to him go ahead and date first , explore your options and check back with me when you are ready for committed relationship see if I am available . I am not wasting my time neither should you . It's been two days I am staying strong but I just realized how strongly I feel about him and hurts . He send me text last night just to let me know what he was doing and I didn't reply . Help?
Masha
Angel says
He's not available for a relationship. He just divorced and is not dealing with the fallout so he's looking for distractions aka women to date with no commitment. Walk away.
Heather says
Thank you for all your loving comments. It's heartwarming to find comfort from the kindness of strangers.
He has since gotten engaged so I'd say that puts the nail in the coffin. Though I'm feeling pretty devastated, it's probably for the best. I will move past this and be better and stronger for it.
Love to you all!
~Heather
Brigette says
Heather. I feel your pain. Let me tell you this. He is silent because he has moved on. If a guy wants you he will move Heaven and Earth to get you. The moment you contact him and he can't tell you or give what you want. It will tear you a part. You will feel 100 times worse and wished you never contacted him. You can't hold on to sand. He can't give you what you need. Until you totally let go off him you will leave room for the right person to come. Even if he & the person breaks up and he contacts you. He will be wasting your time just keeping you until he gets someelse better. Let go sweetie. Accept the truth and let go of the fantasy of what could be. Never make someone a priority who has you as an option. You are a treasure and the right man will see this and want this for the long term and want a family with you. Letting go is hard but the worst is holding on the wrong person. If sa relationship is not for you. You can try to glue/tie them but eventually it will fall a part. Stop looking back. Look forward that is where your destiny is. You'll be alright.
Nicki says
Hi Heather! I've been there. The guy I dated had a vasectomy after we'd broken up. He only had one child. I felt at one point that he was my soul mate. What I later discovered was, he helped me to grow relationally. I've taken a closer look at dating and men because of him.
Although years later I had the opportunity to genuinely reconnect with him, I chose my unknown future instead of him. I'm 38 and without a child.
Although it's terribly hard gaining acceptance in a situation like this, it comes in pieces. You may still carry love in your heart for him for some time to come.
However, trust your desires to want a child. I sincerely believe it will lead you to someone who can give you that and the sweet love of restoration that shall surely come.
Use this experience as a stepping stone, not as a hurdle. You will love again.
Savor your healing time. Loving someone is never a real loss. It's a gain that keeps building until your next experience. You'll love again when you're ready. Be patient with you❤️??
Anne B says
I have to disagree with you there, Ed. Not wanting children doesn't make anyone selfish. It makes them honest. Many people who should not have children just go ahead and do so with no real thought about it. That's selfish. There are many of us who have spent our lives struggling and in therapy because our parents just - whoops - found themselves pregnant but should never have had children. So many people think it's the thing they are supposed to do, without bothering to really reflect on whether they would make good, solid parents. I think anyone who has decided they do not want children has made a mature, intelligent and incredibly self-aware decision. I can't imagine any worse scenario than a man 'giving a woman children' to make her happy even though he, himself, does not want them.
And, Heather, I feel your pain. My heart still belongs to someone who went silent on me a year and 1/2 ago. I had known him since high school when he was crazy about me, and we reconnected after many years. This time I was crazy about him. I fell in love. He didn't or couldn't because of a committed relationship he had initially led me to believe he was 'stuck' in. I told him I loved him during a weak moment, and he told me it had been 30 years and I knew where his life was. He cut me out of his life coldly and I haven't heard from him since. I wrote him letters at first. I still write them but no longer send them. I don't recommend it. If a guy has made up his mind and is staying silent, there really isn't much we can say in a letter or text that would make him come running back to us, ready to be ours. Looking back, I wish I had gone as silent as he did. There's pain anyway so it might as well be endured with one's dignity intact. I still feel wiped out emotionally but not quite as bad as I did at first. It slowly gets better with time and I know I will eventually get over him. Don't think I'll ever let myself feel that way again. I'm too old and my heart has had enough. But you are young enough that you can recover. Love will find you again and you will have the family you want, with a man who wants one too. All the best to you.
ed says
Hi Heather, I feel very much what you may be going through.
When we left love another human being, and come to such a crossroads, we can wonder if that other person ever loved us like we loved them. And indeed, if this man has created such a boundary because of his apparent selfishness ( not wanting to give you children), then he does not love you unconditionally. His goal was not your happiness, but his own. More children would not make him happy and he doesn't want to meet those needs to make you happy.
But there is nothing wrong with you. Many people do not want children, and many people do not understand that love is selfless.
I believe what will give you closure is loving him unconditionally which means having compassion for him. He is selfish and therefore does not know how to love. He does not realize giving you children to make you happy is an act of love that would come back to him ten fold. He doesn't get that giving love is how we are able to receive love. Many people don't get that, but you do, right?
Ed
De Elle says
Dear Heather,
Like you, I have been a devoted "Jane" follower. ( I call myself a "Jane-Junky" because I need a dose of her generosity almost daily but I digress).
Also like you, I met a man three years ago who changed my world. There were little signs that we were not perfect for each other. Like you, and most of us, I know that are certain events in life that I want to experience.
I ask you to consider that the three years with him helped point out some experiences that you think would enrich your life. I ask you to consider that your time with him was not unwholly like high school or college in that he was a good teacher, and you learned important lessons but eventually your time in these "learning" atmospheres served a positive purpose and it may be time for you to go bravely and more confidently towards a future that serves you.
Please do not feel foolish for being in contact with him. Your loving nature helped generously support him whilst he searched for another metaphorical cane to lean on.
All the while, you were walking on your own. You are so strong and so aware of your heart that whilst dating, you were honest enough to not lead others on because there was not the necessary mutual connection. This guy that has gone silent on you has not shown near the strength as you have. Honor these wonderful parts of you.
We are all sorry that you are hurting. Someone with your ability to self reflect and have the ability to explore other options is someone who has a lot of love and deserves to cherished for the empathetic spirit that you are.
You may or may not have decided on whether motherhood is in your future but as a successful high school teacher and athletic coach, I know I would love to teach the children that would receive your love.
DAS says
Lovely ❤️
Cara Garth says
Wow that was an amazing answer! The analogy of the teacher was so real that I can apply it to my own situation.
Thank you for being a creative thinker.
Cara
Alasha Williams says
awww Heather - what a sweet loving soul you are. We need to learn to turn the love to ourselves (speaking to Alasha)!!!! I like the idea of writing a letter (not to send) if we reach out and there is silence again ..... mmmm.... The letter may give you the clarity you need - to give you the courage you need, to give the determination you need, to give you the LOVE you need.
Praying for you sunshine
xoxoxoxo
Anna says
Unfortunately (or fortunately) men don't think with their hearts like women do... he thought: she does want kids and I don't. For him it is as simple as that. Even though he may like you still, he decided he has to move on...
But I agree with Jane, do what you need to do. If you need to reach out to him, do that. You will move on at your on pace, when you are ready.
❤️