It's a question I hear from so many of you: Am I asking for too much?
I need you to think about this one, because if we're ever going to stop taking this out on ourselves, we have to separate the two.
It’s not that you’re asking for too much. Oh you’re not!
For someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s ready for a real committed relationship and knows that’s exactly what he wants and nothing less, what you’re asking for is entirely reasonable and doesn’t need to be defended or explained to anyone!
But if we’re talking about someone who for all he may say he’s ready for a relationship but doesn’t show you with his real life actions that he actually is, then you're going to feel like you’re asking for too much for a very good reason.
And this reason is because there’s a disconnect between the two of you.
You want it. He doesn't. So, Beautiful, don’t take this on yourself.
Don’t let his inability to commit to you cause you to put on yourself that there’s something so wrong with you for wanting one. You have every right to a real loving relationship, a love that loves you back, someone who cares about you and will be there for you through everything – and actually WANTS to be.
Whether you’re looking back at a relationship that showed so much promise but could never have been because he wasn’t in it for the same reasons you were, or whether you’re in the throes of a relationship where you’re more lonely with him than you were before him, or somewhere in between, there’s something here for you.
The problem isn’t that we’re asking for too much, it’s that we’re asking it of the ones who it’s too much for!
My question for you is, whose problem is that? Is it yours? Or is it his?
This is so important!
Because if it’s yours, your takeaway is that there’s something wrong with you for wanting what you want. For not settling for less than what you want.
And the bigger problem with this line of thinking is that it affects us to our core. We don’t just make it that we want too much from someone who doesn’t want the same thing; we make it that we shouldn’t want what we want.
We make it that we’re too needy, too weak, too whatever else we make it about, until it affects our self-confidence and self-esteem to the point that we’re walking around feeling unlovable, undesirable, unworthy and everything else this spirals down to. But none of that is true! None of it.
It’s only because we’re confusing the two.
We’re confusing our dissonance between what he wants and what we want as equaling something wrong with us.
There’s nothing wrong with you! There’s nothing wrong with what you want!
And the faster we learn that part, the faster we figure that part out, the faster we can leave behind the should haves, would haves, could haves - all those regrets - and move on to someone who’s actually looking for a real relationship with you!
Take your beautiful heart full of all this love and affection and everything else you’re ready to throw away on someone who’s shown you over and over again that he’s not capable of making the kind of commitment you’re so ready to make, and give it to someone who’s actually looking for this, too.
That’s the only kind of heart you’re looking for. One who’s in this for the same reasons you are.
Unapologetically.
Notice who’s looking at the same things you are. Notice who’s paying attention and noticing and standing up for the same things you are. Notice who’s showing you he has a heart, that he’s passionate about something that you're passionate about, who’s showing you he’s looking for the same thing you are.
You’re not asking for too much.
You’re not!
But keep asking it of someone who’s not on your page, who can’t give you what you’re looking for, who has to deflect this back on you in order to feel better about himself, and you’re absolutely going to feel like you are.
Don’t do this!
You deserve to be loved. Yes, you. You deserve to be happy.
You deserve to not have to keep asking for the very thing that will naturally come without any begging when it’s coming from someone who can do this.
And honestly, Beautiful, that’s the only kind you want!
What about you, Gorgeous? Have you ever felt like you were asking too much? Share your story with us below in the comments!
Hi Jane, so I've been dating this guy for close to two months now and already, he's changed his attitude towards me. He used to tell me how pretty I was and post my pictures but all these died after he realized that I wasn't freaky/nasty because I told him I won't have se till marriage. At first, he said he was comfortable with that because he really loved me and that doesn't stop anything . He would always say he wished I was naughty and that made me feel really bad so I finally sent just a picture of my breasts but he wasn't satisfied and I'm very insecure about my vagina and all because I personally do not like the view and I feel he won't be attracted to me anymore after seeing that so I told him I couldn't send it. He started giving attitude since then, he won't face time me anymore ( not like he does it frequently tho) he started texting slow and getting angry at anything I say.....he says I nag too much and he hates it
-He stopped posting my pictures, he stopped telling me I was pretty
-anytime I tell him to call, he'll say he's busy
Does this mean he doesn't love me for me or should I just send him the pictures he wants regardless?
This person is not good for you.
I sense a lack of regard from yourself to yourself. Why do you think so little of yourself? Who taught you you were supposed to do what some random, disrespectful man said you should?
Please find yourself first. Do Jane's program if possible, and cut things off with this person. He's not right for you. And no, don't bend for him. You're not a toy, much less a sexual one. Do not send him anything at all. Anyone who manipulates you by getting angry because you don't do as they say is just flat out dangerous. No relationship material.
I agree whole heartedly with what you say but if he does not want you what can you do
A lot, Carmel, don't lose hope! This isn't about him, it's about you! Begin by remembering that you're the one doing the choosing. If this isn't working for you, if who he is and how he treats you isn't what you want, you get to decide what you want to do about it. You! Do what you need to do to catch a glimpse of your own power again. What would that look like for you to actually feel your own power? How would a confident you act? Live that way! With or without him. Start right where you are. No one can have anything on you that you don't put on yourself!
Hi Jane, you are so right about putting ourselves first. Most women are guilty of doing that, especially when we have had children etc, we are always putting their needs above our own and that's natural as a mother. I always worked full time and raised two daughters also and everything was about them for many years but now they've grown up and living their own lives, I was guilty of meeting a man and putting his needs once again before my own! Hence why all the difficulties etc. I know I have to change my ways and my children also tell me to enjoy life and do what makes me happy. I'm working hard at being stronger and letting go of a man that's shown he's no good for me. Thank you
Exactly, Anna. I'm so glad this is resonating with you. Awareness is always the first step to going anywhere different than where we're used to!
Thank you Jane for such a great email! I always pick these types! It's really unfortunate! I hope I'll break this horrible chain and finally meet a great guy who Im attracted too who is emotionally healthy to have a true committed relationship. Miracles can happen!
You will, Tricia. And they do. Live like it's your turn now and look for them!
As usual, Jane hits it out of the park. Another home run discussion.
I have been with someone that says he is so in love with me but won't finish discussing how we are going to do that. The sex is unbelievable and we can make love for hours. We are both 65 by the way so that you younger folks know what's possible.
I have been unable to break up with him successfully. However; I am starting to date other men and am having a wonderful time. I seek a whole relationship so we can be a marital couple and live together. He lives two hours away and I refuse to move there. I am taking baby steps to get away from Him and have told him that I am not going down there anymore. He can come and see me because I want sex with him.
I am planning to date until I feel that I can let go of him and move on. There is someone else out there that will love and cherish me the way I want.
I feel like I am married to this guy and I am not. It's very odd, I must say.
Pat
Thanks for sharing, Pat. Love hearing from you! Sounds like you're holding your own in spite of the oddness of it all - and you've got a plan!
Thank you so much for the emails and support and for reassurance. Knowing in my head I needed to break away a long time ago but my heart just now caught up. Knowing it's better to be single and alone than in a relationship and lonely. I had to beg and drop my standards for his time and attention which was always short lived and accused of wanting more than he was willing to give. I didn't like who I became--a very needy, clingy woman with no self esteem. Time for me to take care of myself for a change.
Our hearts are always the last holdout, Doni. It's why we can never love halfway. Be so proud of yourself for being aware enough to see what was happening to you. Now you know what you need to do!
this hits home on the sweet spot. it's time for women to accept the reality that he gave up and acted like a man child instead of a real man. a real man wouldn't do anything to push you away or treat your desires like it's a threat to his life. you deserve so much more than you experienced, something better is waiting for you.
Exactly, Diane!
Yes I'm going through this right now and it sucks
Hearing you, Shirley, and holding you in my thoughts. You're never, ever alone!
Yes I keep asking for heartache. He leaves and doesn't look back , I wait months and text how much I miss him. He says he misses me but no contact because he works long days. This has been for 3 years on and off. For some reason I find him attractive. Just writing this makes me wonder why. And why am I not enough?
Hi Kristin, The only thing that kept me there was the great sex we shared, nothing else. I've come to the conclusion that he's most likely good in sex with all his previous partners and I thought I was special or different! The crazy thing is my family and friends all say I can do so much better but I find it so hard to let go! I've been so loyal to him but I just found out that I've developed stage 1 herpes much to my shock and surprise. I've been with nobody else in almost 6 years so he's obviously strayed! I'm devastated and I'm so hurt and upset. We have been out of contact for 14 days. I told my doctor that we haven't spoken and she told me to get on with my life and say nothing to him if our relationship is final. I've never had this happen to me before and I've just turned 50. I feel with some men, when we are out of sight, we are out of their mind. Don't hurt yourself like I've done and don't leave room for your health to be vulnerable as you never know where some go! There is other things to consider such as your mental and body health. I hope that I can be strong enough to let go totally now. My mother has expressed that I've become conditioned to the relationship and learnt to except and tolerate the way things are! Don't waster years on this man, I've wasted some youthful years on this one man, he's almost 60 and I was 44 when I met him. Good luck
I'm wondering why, too, Kristin, because I know you're enough for someone who would be right for you. More than enough! I think you'll find everything becomes clear when you can answer that for yourself.
Six years with him off and on:
Never be with a man who's not proud of you!
Never be with a man who doesn't share!
Never be with a man who's reluctant!
Never be with a man who can't plan!
Never be with a man who doesn't adore you!
Never be with a man who has no initiative!
Never be with a man who's a workaholic!
Never be with a man only wants you around when it suits him!
Never be with a man who doesn't value you as a woman!
Never be with a man who's not invested in a relationship with you!.
Never be with a man that insists on seeing what others are doing!
Never stay with a man who says he needs to take a step back, make sure you run the other way!
Never be with a man that puts everyone else before you!
Never be with a man that can't feel anything about you!
Never be with a man who worries about everyone else thinks, he values others opinions more than yours!
Never be with a man who's interested to know what their EX girlfriend is up to!
Never be with a man who's GUNNA!
STOP GIVING TO THESE TYPE OF MEN!
I wasted 5-1/2 years with a man who never initiated or invested in me. He helped me physically occasionally but that was about it!
He wanted to move in with me but he said his house and what he did with it was of no concern to me. When my car was out of action for three months, he didn't initiate lending me a car!, especially when he has four of them! He took me out to dinner for my 50th and bought me an $80 gift. He never shared personal details about himself to me. When I offered to teach him to forward his work details via email, he strongly said no, he didn't want me to know his financials. We booked a holiday together and he CHOSE NOT to turn up and I went alone!
When I started out in a relationship with this man, I put in 150% lovingly and willingly and it just broke me down eventually! I went from a happy, confident, loving and giving woman into a lonely, paranoid, depressed, sad and hurt woman who's now afraid to do it all again!
READ for these SIGNS lady's, don't make the mistake I did!
Anna
Hearing every word of this, Anna. Thank you for sharing.
Ohh my , your so right on. Reading this article has put my frame of mind at rest. You have said so many times trust your gut, if he goes hot & cold and you make your self worth too available for him, then why should he come to the chase for you? I've proven so many times no matter the conversations we had about me wanting a commuted relationship while accepting all his excuses why it can't happen right now, and I threaten to go on without him and I do for many months just to return when he calls and said he misses me. What a fool I was. Your articles are always so right on for many of us who needs to face the truth and stop fantasizing about a dead end relationship with a man who won't commit for what ever reason.
Thank you, thank you , so much Jane for caring, uplifting, encouraging myself and all the other lovely women who bend over backwards trying to please the wrong men . No more insecurities or low self esteem for this gal. I know what I want and deserve. No more picking the wrong types of men who don't want a commited relationship but want's the benefits a relationship gives.
I am a magnet for unavailable men and I'm sick of it.
Bless you Jane your beautiful..
And so are you, Cookie. So are you.
Thank you! That thoroughly helped me tonight. I look back on my most recent mistake and I feel bad because I let it happen. I am trying very hard to forgive myself for getting involved with him. He makes me angry, although, I hold it in day in and day out. I can't really tell him right now what he put me through. We've talked about it all and we are friends. There are days when I want to walk away and make sure I tell him that he messed me up real bad. Even though I blame myself, I know deep down that he was at fault too. One day when we talked about it all -- always my idea to talk btw-- he told me he made a mistake, and that made me feel worse. It was like I was just his mid-life crisis and so I was his mistake. I am sure that is the truth. The truth always comes out...eventually, but I thought I meant more to him than that. I keep my distance from him as much as I can. It's just all so crazy and very difficult for me because I have to see him. Someday I know I will say goodbye, so right now I just suck it up and stay strong because I have to. I don't know any other way right now. I am lost most days because of it, but I put on the tough girl act. No one knows about it and I have to just keep moving forward. I have changed some ways about me now that it's been a few years and I haven't met anyone since him that really turned me around. I do still have a glimmer of hope that I will meet someone new. I want to now. I know this other guy is not for me. I know that if I really meant something to him, that he would of told me by now...he would be with me all the way by now. Today I face reality and as someone else said above...I struggle with it, but I know I am moving in the right direction...and I will be okay. Thank you again. God Speed! Lora
Don't waste your words on someone who can't hear them, Lora. He's showing you he can't handle them by his actions, his anger, his response to put it back on you. So many reasons he can't handle them, none of which have anything to do with you. But you need a place to take them, so write out your feelings. Share your heart with your pen and paper. Find the music, the songs, the stories. Find other places for some kind of creative expression that speaks to you that allows you to feel - that needs you to feel! This part isn't for him; it's for you. And yes, I know you'll be ok. Because when staying where we are becomes worse than the uncertainty of stepping out on our own, we step. Sometimes we step while we're staying and then all kinds of things begin to change that we never thought possible. But to start those shifts, start with acceptance of all those things about you that have always felt too much. There's something magical that happens when we ourselves refuse to call them too much! Because remember, Lora, you're not supposed to be tough; you're supposed to be you!
This helped me so much, I have just come out of a 7 year relationship where I felt that wanting marriage meant I was "insecure" and "needy" that my want was a reflection on my inner self. So thank you, I wanted marriage because I wanted to marry the man I loved , not because I was looking for something to complete me.
So glad, Katharyn. This is what so many of us take on our ourselves. It's no wonder we're ashamed to admit we want one!
gosh i so much relate to what you share here.... i am very private and struggling now with what is real and what isnt...i so appreciate what you share.. thank you.
oh I hear you, Christine. Hope you're feeling a little less alone - and a whole lot more "normal"! 🙂