It's always so difficult to move on after a serious heartbreak, even when we know it's the best thing for us to do. Our letter this week comes from our beautiful friend Paulina, whose boyfriend suddenly left her and her son after she asked him about making a commitment.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane ,
I broke up with my boyfriend of over three and a half years about 7 months ago and I just can't seem to move on.
He basically was literally part time living with me and my 12 year old son who he bonded with over the years and we were both incredibly hurt when he left.
We broke up because I kept asking when we were going to move the relationship on and he kept avoiding my questions even though he was living with me and my son for 5 days a week. We had a heart to heart the day after Valentines day and I told him to leave and think about what he wants.
It was an extremely rough time for me as I had issues with my rent increasing and I had just started a new job and wanted him to support me but he left that night and I barely had any contact from him for a whole week which broke my heart.
After the week we decided we needed to talk so he drove over to mine he had left some things at mine and I instantly knew he was keen to collect them. He was so cold a totally different man and told me he couldn't do this anymore and he didn't want this life. He explained that he was better on his own and he would always love me but he was to selfish for a relationship.
This killed me as I still loved him but I didn't have a choice but to let him go which I did. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked his number and did everything you should do.
However, stupidly one of my friends mentioned he was tagged in a picture with a girl only a month after we split and now I have found out he is in a new relationship with this woman who he claimed was just a friend and he had known her for years? Ironically she is a single mother too!!!
This obviously hurt me and I feel betrayed and used by this man who claimed that I was his love of his life?
Can you give me some advice to help me move on.
Thanks
Paulina
My Response:
Dear Paulina,
Oh how I hear you. There is something so painful about discovering someone who couldn't give you the committed relationship you were looking for, in that committed relationship with someone else. It tears at whatever self-esteem we had left after the initial breakup, and brings back the heartbreak all over again.
Of course you feel hurt, betrayed, and used by "this man who claimed that I was his love of his life." He promised so much, he said so much, and then the change, the coldness, the real him exposed.
But what he showed you was more of who he actually was all along. As hard as it is to see that instead of all the potential you saw, and the attachment you felt with him and between him and your son, who he revealed himself to be in the end was as much who he was (and is) in reality as the side he showed you throughout all the good times you shared.
He may have been living with you, but if you look back, wasn't it always on his terms? There was a reason why you were the one who kept asking when you were going to move the relationship on. And there was a reason he kept avoiding your questions.
You didn't break up because you kept asking. You broke up because he had already given you his answer. You knew. You don't need to ask with someone who's clearly on your page and looking for the same type of committed relationship as you.
Write him a letter, Paulina. I have found there is something so powerful about pouring out your heart into a letter you don't send, something you do only for you.
When I look back over my most difficult breakups, and especially the one where he went on to be with someone who he used to call "only a friend", it's the letters I found where I poured out every emotion I felt and put down every word I wanted to say, that helped me the most to move on.
When you've gotten all the words out that you want to say to him if he were right there in front of you, you'll find that what you have left is the most beautiful raw part of you. If you can't feel that yet, keep writing. There's more to come out.
Because when you're really done, you'll be at the crux of your truth. It's there you'll find your deep-seated beliefs that you didn't even know you held. You'll find everything you've been conditioned to believe about love, and justice, and truth.
And in that same realization, you'll find your world turned upside down with what is actually your truth.
Don't be afraid of this part.
This is the part that lets a real kind of love in. It's the only kind you want. And it's worth this part, yes, even this part that feels so awful, because you're worth this part!
There's something so beautiful going to come out of all this. We go through what we so don't want to only because it's the only way to get through!
Yes, it hurts.
Yes, you thought you've already been through enough, but until we're able to let go of what we don't even realize we're holding on so tightly to, we can't move forward, we can't move on.
Release yourself by forgiving yourself. You're human. And so is he. Let him live his own life. He doesn't belong to you; he doesn't belong to her. He only belongs to himself. This didn't happen to you. It happened because there's something real for you instead. And this wasn't it.
This is your time for self-care.
Be so gentle and loving with yourself! Map out a plan of one little thing every day you're going to do for yourself to feel special. Get a new look, a new wardrobe, or treat yourself to something you wouldn't ordinarily indulge in. It doesn't have to be anything more than some small thing, but let it be about you and your needs for a change, instead of about everyone else.
And write, write, write. Every time you have something you need to say to him, every time you feel the emotion bubbling up inside you, express it; get it all down. Preferably with pen and paper.
I don't know you well enough to map out a specific plan for you, but I do know that for you to know you had to keep asking him "when", that shows just what a beautiful, sensitive, intuitive heart you have within you.
Create a life for yourself that reflects this. This is the beautiful soul you are! Surround yourself with people who support and nourish that part of you, not the ones you have to chase after.
And especially, don't give that away to just anyone. Go get it back from him.
That's gold, Paulina. You only want the ones who can see that, too.
Love,
Jane
I find it interesting how some man throw the words "you are the love of my life" around so casually. Is it any wonder we are confused, frustrated and heartbroken? Mine said the same thing after he started seeing someone else. He texted me those words, emailed me those words, and said them on the phone (all after his other relationship was in full gear). Believe it or not, I found myself feeling hope! Ewww! That is until my Soul bitch-slapped me and said, "wake the hell up girl!" I replied to him, "Thanks, and how will your new girlfriend feel when I tell her that I'm still the love of your life?" That's all it took to stop him.
The issue is this - they want control. Control of the new one, control of the old one, control of things they don't deserve. Because most of the time, they don't even know what the heck they want! But they do want to make sure they leave the door open at least a t-i-n-y l-i-t-t-l-e bit in case things don't work out with the newbie. I say seal that door shut and never look back! There is someone MUCH better out there who will treat you like the main course instead of the side dish!
I hope Jane's words that tell you that because you can feel and care and love, those are the things that may make this difficult but will be the very things that will bring you what you are looking for. When all is done, all will be well. And if it is not all well, then it is not all done.
Hello Jane
I know that what I want to tell you is out of the subject , but I have no one to tell about my painful story I ve been with a
Man 2years now at the beginning he showed me all the affections over me love and missing me anyway like these kind of stuffs , lately I m watching him like his pulling himself away from me he s telling that he s too busy and when Imake a phone call he doesn't pick up and he doesn't reply on my text , I'm tired of I m always the one who have to intiate things and plans and whenever he wants to see me he only comes late at night I really need your advice and what to do
Love
Lisa
Lisa, you have to read Jane's book "Why Men Pull Away". I read it last week - almost in one sitting - and emailed her later to say "Jane, my gosh, have you been walking beside me for the past year???" Her book explains why men do this sort of thing (pull away and come back), why they disappear altogether, the effect their childhoods (and how boys are raised in general) have had on their emotional selves and, also very interesting, how our own relationships with our mothers and father's has affected us as adults.
This book is amazing Lisa. I think it will really help you to see the situation more clearly.
My own thoughts are: this man is pulling away from you. He cares about you enough not to want to break it off completely, which he knows will hurt you (most men can't handle a deep emotional conversation and, god forbid, us crying) .
My other general theory is that men just don't need us as much as we need them. I know lots of men older than 50 who live on their own and are content to do so. When it comes right down to basic living, men can survive on their own pretty easily. They only really need women for one thing. Women, on the other hand, need men (to help them with many practical things, and for protection).
Sorry girls, I know this is old-fashioned thinking. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this - I consider myself a feminist! And, hey, maybe I'm wrong. I separated from my husband and have moved into a house with my two daughters. (I got a lot of help from my guy friends after the move thank god.)
The heartbreak Jane's amazing advice is helping me through is not from my marriage, but from a guy I was seeing for a year, who one day just ...disappeared. He is an ex boyfriend and we have a long history (we met at 15, and dated when we were 20 and 25, after which I got married to someone else). When my 18-year marriage fell apart, I looked HIM up and we had a year-long romantic adventure. I thought he was the love of my life and he told me he loved me and just generally led me on. Then, literally the week I moved and was finally free of my (crappy) marriage, he stopped talking to me. It was just devastating. But I know now, thanks to Jane's wisdom and insight, that he is Emotionally Unavailable and Afraid of Commitment. And the signs were there all along. Check out the book! It will help you Lisa.
Hi
Thank you for your advice and for you lovely words I m really hurt inside knowing that I did nothing but loving him and care as much as I could but he seems that he lost his interest completely I m so lost in thoughts because his not connected with me as before and his pulling him self away as possible as he could , I just want the truth so I can live my life with an idea in my mind not like that ... My heart is really broken
Thank you very much
I know exactly how you feel - I'm right there with ya sista!
hi paulinah i'm so sorry is so painfull but u dont have to give up you should get back you man evry joice in life either moves you forward or keeps you sturck
you can make it right decision
m getting help too coz im in the same predicament as this lady i want move on in life but i wonder why the difficulty but m nursing my self to do so
It is really hard to move on. I'm trying but now he keeps calling me promising me he's going to change. When I see him I feel the pain all over again. It's very difficult but we can move on especially now he's trying to come back. But in my heart I feel he's shown me his true colors and will not change. It's hard to be strong when heartbroken but knowing I have Jane and the support of other ladies really helps. Thank you
how are u my all frend
Paulina,
I feel so much for you and u wish i could give you a hug. I have been there for more than a year now since my husband and i separated. The pain was excruciating and i even cant describe it. But then I realised that i am not going this experience to ruin my life and its up to me to feel happy again. I and only i responsible for my happinness and now enjoy every moment, going out with friends, reading books, exercise, looking at leaves falling down threes, enjoying the sunshine. Everytime when i start feeling miserable i force myself to smile and find something that would make me amused and make me laugh. Laugher and chocolate are my main mood boosters these days and its been proven that they are natural producers of hormone of happinness. Stay strong Paulina, you have a son to take care! Start loving yourself and i will slowly realize that life is great! Love, Moonlight
When I left my husband of 26 years and stayed in a woman's shelter, they gave me a notebook and said to journal... I never had and don't now. But durinf that time it helped me tremendously to sort through the realities and suffering. I kept the journal for years. I would get emotional when I would discover it when moving or cleaning. The last time I found in wherever I had it buried, I decided the victim was gone and the survivor/thriver didn't need it. Destroying the journal of that closed chapter of my life was one of my most uplifting moments! It hurts now, Don't let yourself think of him. I used to yell stop to myself every time I started to think about him. Learn to enjoy you! I am finely happy and care about me. I used to "need" a man, now I don't and am enjoying every day- Maybe one day I will have a partner to enhance my life, maybe not. Give it time and remember to be grateful for every moment
Thank you for sharing this, Liz. What a beautiful example of how healing journaling can be! I'm grateful you're here to share this with us.
I am so tired of the rollercoaster ride, well I say that but I guess I'm not tired enough I keep/kept putting up with it, because of what i think is love. I lost myself in this guy, I don't know what happen to me.
Jane, God has blessed you with this gift to help others. Paulina, I am going through something similar to you. It hurts so bad, thing about it is when I feel I am beginning to move on, he pops back up like nothing ever was wrong. He gets mad when I talk about my feelings or just express my self & I may not hear from him in over a week or so. He is so stubborn
Thank you for your beautiful words, Latasha. And how strong and telling of you to recognize that you're not tired enough "yet", that on some level this is working for you because if it wasn't, you wouldn't put up with it anymore. "Because of what I think is love". You don't have to know what happened, just start writing about what you do think is love and you're going to put yourself on the way to finding out - and freeing yourself in the process. You've given yourself a great exercise to find your own truth right here!
I want to thank you Jane for this website it helps me threw the days when i feel not myself! We women give great advice to each but fail to believe that for are self's are minds start the negative thoughts. Lady's we are strong we will over come anything when we're ready too
You're sweet, Dee. Thank you for being here and being a part of this beautiful community. I'm so glad you've found something here for you when you're not feeling yourself! I hope you hear the insight here in your words - your natural state of yourself is always the centered, beautiful, confident one that knows what you know, that feels what you do and understands on such a deep level that there is never EVER anything the matter with you! 🙂
Hi Paulina I'm so sorry it sucks when the person you love and tell your dreams to could let you go. Its better to know that now then invested 3 more years in the relationship. He was selfish and took advantage of your kind heart nature. You didn't lose anything if anything you have won ! No more worrying if he will change or commit to you. There is a light at the end of this abyss it won't be easy but eventually you will stop thinking about him. Please let it go do what makes you happy because your true love is out there for you when you're ready to leave the past in the past. I wish, hope and pray for you paulina. ??
So true, Dee. Thank you.
Wow, I so totally understand so well. This sounds great and I gotta try it. I had 6 years and everything reminds me of him and all our good times. I feel so empty and lost. I feel I lost my best friend and my support person that will no longer respond like I'm a nobody. Thanks for sharing you story. Thanks for the response. I kept trying to be better and really had nothing to change.
"I kept trying to be better and really had nothing to change." - Remember that, Tonya. Those are such telling words. Let them sink in, allow yourself to feel them and experience their truth. This is your truth. There was nothing you could have done to change this. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself and set your beautiful giving, caring, loving tender heart free?
I pray that healing comes for Paulina and her son. It is unfortunate that this heartbreak had to happen. Those of us who have replied have walked the same street as Paulina; so we know that healing does occur; it just takes time. She has been given some excellent advice on this post which I hope she takes to heart. Her son needs love and encouragement now too as he has suffered a lost. It is my hope that Paulina and her son will draw closer together and that the right man will come into their lives, one that truly loves them and whose character is evident by his words and actions.
Thank you for adding this, Anne-Marie. May they both feel the love and words of support expressed here for each of them.
So many things that are resembling, almost like an universal program that was operating for years and years, and then "suddenly" shot down - even the "expiry" date is often similar. But, there were signs, red flags, coldness even much earlier - we just "didn't" see...
I would not say it was a time wasted, or it was anyone's mistake. We needed the whole process. The shot down, even if forced one, just helped to see clearly, to get the final (avoided) answer. And then the real process begins: our own.
I find it so useful to read these posts, and share my thoughts with all of you (and with me) from time to time. Six months after the break up, and I still have doubts, it still hurts, I cannot say I have moved on... BUT I can say that I do notice the change as time passes by. I can see less bitterness and more forgiveness and acceptance- for both of us.
"For both of us" - that's the part that frees you, SB. How telling that you've come to peel away the layers to come to this. I couldn't agree more that we "needed the whole process". I'm so glad you got that part buried in my response here. Oh how we do! We fight it, we don't want it, but I hear example and example of the reinforcement of this truth - it's never what we think we want, but it's always the only way that we come to see, to hear, to finally get to the place we never knew was the place we wanted to go. Love happens for us, not to us. But until we get to that deep layer, we deserve all the self-love and self-compassion in the world. And nothing less. Thank you for sharing, SB. So glad this is helping you to read, to share, and to simply be!
This situation is very sad indeed . But, next time Paulina will be more careful of choosing and more strict with her dating. For ex: Not waiting 3 years to ask questions about commitment and moving things along. Too much time wasted and emotions, everything. I need to learn to apply this to my own dating life, especially since I've been with my bf for little less than a year and I got as far as going "long term" with each other when I brought up the "talk" and he agreed. However, I didn't bring up possible marriage and having a life together at some point. I didn't want to dump it all on him,maybe I should have to get it out of the way. Who knows..
You'll know, Elisia. It's in the daily everyday types of moments that your interactions, your conversations, his words about other things, his actions about things both unrelated and related will all paint a telling of picture of where he's at, what he's looking for, and whether you are both on the same page and want the same thing on the same timetable. In all those subtle and not so subtle ways, he won't be able to help but tell you because the real him will always come through!
Very good point Jane, thank you! I feel like I'm such a newbie
I'd say, you have nothing to lose, so let it rip: hang up your Good Girl hat, roll up your sleeves, and write to him exactly how you feel. However *unreasonable* it is. We're brainwashed from birth to not express anger, hurt, or any of the *unacceptable* emotions. Just write it down, spew it out. Then wait a few days, reread it, make a photocopy, and then POST the ****er.
The gorgeous actor Vincent Cassel says he's done some totally crazy stuff in the name of love and being hurt, and that he doesn't give a hoot if people think he's an idiot for showing hurt and vulnerability. Now THAT is a man in touch with his feminine.
I honestly think if more women behaved like that, men would up their game considerably. But we don't. We crawl into a corner and cry quietly instead.
Exactly Fran!!!
So true, Fran. To the detriment of every single one of our beautiful, imperfect, so very human selves. Full of life! Full of feeling! Full of emotion! None of what we feel is "acceptable". None of the deep stuff is what "they" wanted to hear, whoever they are that play over and over again in our ear. We've learned these roles oh so well.Throw the lid off and see what's really under there. The ones who embrace you right there, who meet you where you are instead of insisting you come to where they want you to be, are the ones for you. Let go of all the rest. It doesn't matter what it looks like. This isn't about them; it's about you. Thank you for putting words to the feelings that we can't always say, yet we always, always feel.
Pauline you are where I have been, I am hear to tell you that, you are so much better off without him. I walked that same street you are on...I did the right things to move on, wrote the letter as Jane suggested but I mailed it to him instead of keeping it. I wanted him to know exactly what an ____ he was!! In the letter I thanked him for the lesson and asked him to never call my number again and if he saw me act like he never knew me. It has been 10 months now. I HAD good days and bad days but now Pauline my good days are out weighing my bad days. He is married now, I saw the pictures and they look happy!! The sad thing is "just because it looks one way on the outside does not mean that is what it is" I know who he is and I feel sorry for his wife. But BA BY that is her problem now!!! 🙂 I was so messed up about him and her...I almost overlooked LOVE staring me in the face. I have someone that LOVES me and we are on the same page. Pauline just keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if it is just baby steps, move forward because there is nothing in looking back. This is my life: LAUGH as loud and hard as you can, LIVE each day to the fullest and LOVE yourself unconditionally!!! A wise woman told me this on my journey of healing!! Be careful you attract what you are and if you do not like what you are attracting "CHANGE"!!!!
Thank you for sharing, RealDavis, for walking through your process. I'm so happy for you that you've found someone capable of seeing the real you and on the same page as you. How beautiful to find that after what you've been through! The only person in the world we can ever change is ourselves.
Let him go and I'm so glad couse me my self I've find closer reading year comment
I'm glad this helped you, too, Sonto.
My advice is
It s heartbroken really as matter of fact that she needs to accept it and move on , I know it s really really hard but this is the truth knowing that you re two people on two different pages who wants two different levels of commitments let it go Paulina because if he really into you he wouldn't treat this way and none of us wants to be treated this way he s a cheater so you have nothing to do with this kind of person you will continue to suffer with him so the best way is to take care of your child and live your life very happily and be strong I wish you all the best
Love
Lisa
So true, Lisa. Thank you. It may take longer for our beautiful hearts to see what our heads can logically know, but the one place where peace is always found is in the acceptance of what is, not what we so want it to be.
Hi Paula, Let him go. Your worthy off so much more. I'm a single mother too, so I know where your coming from. Just let your light shine and focus on you and your son. I too went through the same heartbreak, but it was only 6months, before he ended in a callous manner. Deep inside the red flags where there for me, but I ignored them, because I didn't want to be on my own. I realised after a lot of crying and writing down my thoughts, it has made me see things more clearly. It has being hard, and I'm taking one day at time, you can do it too. I too didn't think I could cope, because I still love my ex, but he made excuses, and wasn't ready for a commitment. Love yourself and work on you, and the right man will come into your life. Your worthy of so much more.
Thank you for your words, Shelley. When you've been there, you understand on so many levels what she's going through. So much more!