One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to remain anonymous, was in a friends with benefits situation and is wondering if he will ever come around and want a committed relationship with her.
Here's her story:
Last year I moved into University halls, and basically fell almost instantly in love with one of my flatmates. He was in a long-term relationship at the time, but we got on really well and hung out a lot.
A few months into the term he separated from his girlfriend, and me and him got even closer and after a few months ended up becoming friends with benefits for about 4 months, however we basically acted like a couple, then all of a sudden he stopped things, saying he wasn't over his last relationship.
I was devastated and tried everything to get over him, but I don't think I ever stopped loving him.
We had arranged to live together with friends in 2nd year so cutting him out of my life completely was not an option however contact was very limited. When we moved in things were awkward and uncomfortable and we didn't really know how to act around each other because we had always been flirty and close with one another, however after about a month he admitted things were never going to work between him and his ex and after a while, we started things again.
It started casually at first, but then developed into a strong connection where we spent nearly all our time together and I fell only deeper in love with him. We made each other very happy, but then all of sudden the other night, I told him that I loved him, and he suddenly said he wasn't ready for a relationship.
He is genuinely very busy with his course and has a lot of work on and still wants to make time for his friends so understand that he feels like he doesn't have time for a girlfriend as he says he would like to go out on dates and if he were to cancel he would feel bad.
He cried and said he still wanted me to be close to him and that he couldn't lose me, and he was sure that in another time we would be together, but he just isn't ready for a relationship now.
Basically I want to know whether he will ever change his mind and want a relationship with me.
I don't believe that him saying he isn't ready for a relationship means he isn't interested, I genuinely believe he truly means he isn't ready and is afraid of failing in the relationship so at the minute just needs a best friend.
Ultimately I want a relationship but do you think he will ever give me that or should I move on? I can't imagine my life without him,
Thank you
- Anonymous
My Response:
I hear you. I think there’s a little bit in every single one of us that hears you.
You so want to know – will he ever commit? Will he ever be ready? Will he ever want a committed relationship with me? These are the questions we've all asked before.
And as much as we all long for that crystal ball that can magically give us our answers, it’s what you do right here and now that is the greatest predictor of what the answer will be. Because as much as I can say that no, 99% of the time men like this do not come around, they don’t change, they don’t suddenly wake up and decide they’re ready for the committed relationship you’re looking for, there’s another answer that matters so much more.
Yes, you absolutely should walk away from anyone who isn't on the same page as you, who doesn't show you with his words and his actions and his behavior that he’s there, because your life is far too precious, and your time far too valuable, and your self-esteem far too fragile to be wasted waiting and living halfway with someone like this.
And because you deserve so much more than someone who doesn't know what he wants, and because you are worth so much more than someone who doesn't know how to say I love you back to you.
And I could go on and on about the stories of women who spend their lives waiting around for someone to commit to them while the message they send themselves is the strongest one of all, that they’re not enough, that there’s something wrong with them, that they've failed somehow because their love couldn't quite break through the cold heart of yet another cold heart of a misinformed man.
But that doesn't help you to change this. To do something different for the one person you do have control over. Your beautiful you.
And so, let’s set him aside for just a moment so you can hear the answer that will serve you more than any answer about him.
This one’s about you.
Go out and find you. Don’t worry about him. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Find those people and places and things that you’re passionate about and fill your own cup full with them. Not him. Them. He’s not capable of filling your cup right now. And he probably will never be.
I would so much rather that you be pleasantly surprised one day by him reaching out to tell you he’s ready than for you to live your life waiting around for this to happen.
I would so much rather that you spare yourself the hurt and pain of putting all your eggs in one basket while there’s so many others out there just waiting for someone like you to be free enough and in touch enough with yourself with who you really are and what you’re really looking for, so they could begin to see you and head over in your direction.
You can’t do that well enough when you’re focused so much on him. We think we can, but we never do.
Yes, you may be onto something when you sense that it’s not about a lack of interest, but instead about a lack of capability of being in that place where he can live up to his own expectations around being in a real relationship. But does that really change anything? Or is it just one more reason to give you hope, false hope, that something can change anytime soon?
Imagine your life without him, because first and foremost this is your beautiful life.
Live it the way you need to for you, to give you that sense of peace and calm about it so you can live with the least amount of regrets. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. And if he’s the one for you, trust that you absolutely will be the first one to know.
I wish you all the best in whatever route you choose. And I know, for a fact, that wherever it may lead, you can never get too far off course when you follow the one that speaks to you, the one that’s filled with self-love and compassion, the one that meets you right where you are and accepts you there in all your beautiful humanness.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our fellow reader? Tell us in the comments!
Dear Anonymous,
You need to move on from this guy. What I have learned is that if a guy really wants to be in a committed relationship with you, then he'll show you through his actions. You won't have to question anything that he does, what he says or how he acts. He will make you his top priority and treat you like the wonderful beautiful person that you are. I wish you the best of luck!
Dear Wise Chick 😉
Thanks for resonating with me. I seriously still have my weak moments wondering why or how he could be so heartless to choose another girl right in front of me. He kept telling me I was crazy, I had a disease because I had a problem with all these other women. I had to spell it out to him, my problem was with him & his behavior & he was delusional. The fact that I bought his stories & gave him the benefit of the doubt. All these women wouldn't be acting so entitled to always be around him unless he led them on. So in the meloncoly moments, I need to remember, that relationship was extremly unhealthy & he is Delusional! Thank God the spell has been broken! The point here is if it's crazy making, then you have to walk away. The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again, expecting a different result. Choose Life! 😉
Marlene
Will he ever change his mind?
He doesn't deserve the privilege of Your attention in any way. I would get as far away from him and stay away as fast as you can. I'm a true believer in people should be treated as they treat others. Meaning, he doesn't deserve the time of day. These men don't change, they're users just after what they want right now. They suck the life out of you for what they want; a sounding board, a mommy, money, sex, etc. they are Mr. Right Nows..... In this moment only...., in 5 minutes, they will forget your name. They are oblivious, incapable of caring, empathy or being honest. They ride through life always looking for the next best thing in their mind, leaving a wake of bewilderment & broken hearts. I know, I was on this roller coaster for 5 years with someone I truly loved. A real man, has a heart, is sure footed, has intension and doesn't play games, because he doesn't want to loose you and recognizes the beauty you are. After the investment of your heart & affection this guy still is not sure? Red flag. This is the type of guy you don't need to experience. Know how beautiful you are and that some incredibly lucky guy who truly loves & appreciates you will show you how special you are and you won't need to wonder about where you stand in his life. Blessings,
Marlene
Marlene,
Oh my goodness. You literally just described the guy I've been trying to get out of my life. I've been in a constant state of wait and it's been killing me. He always seems to choose other women over me and makes no apologies over it. He tried to build a business around my talents and got mad when I refused to do it any longer. He was a lazy bum who wanted to make his living off of someone else and call it a business. I let him get his hopes up and swiftly pulled the plug on every project and I continued on without him. These guys are total vultures and you need not waste your time. It'll be heartbreak after heartbreak with them. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're different or an exception. If he did it to her, he'll do it to you.
Get out there and have fun...........post photos on Facebook of your fun and dates with others.............this sometimes is the turning point for a man on the fence to step up to the plate! Be friendly with this man, but aloof.....................be busy..............be the one to cut any coversation short, be the first to leave............etc.etc. Remember, sometimes what men want most is what other men are after, and someone that doesn't seem too interested in them.
"... and have fun." - Yes, Lake Girl. How often we forget that part of filling our own cup, and creating a life for ourselves. The fun!
Oh Jane, this was just SO beautiuful! Thank you so much! I read your blog daily. You shine light into my heart and onto the way forward with more clarity, compassion and hope than I have ever before experienced. I am so grateful for you, and grateful for the beautiful women that share their stories here. I love you all, and I am proud of us all!! Hugs
Thank you, Terra. You have such a beautiful way of expressing these words in such an inspiring way. I am so grateful for you!!
Please be careful of the rebounding hot/cold, man who sees your vulnerability instead of your strength or the rollercoaster ride will never end.
Also, it is better to be alone and content than to be with someone and alone.
No one was born to be some else's convenience. Leave him to get his act and head together and set healthy boundaries so you can do the same.
Time is a gift. You cannot get it back if you waste it so invest it instead. Tell yourself over over and over and then believe you are worth more than this.
God bless.
Thank you for your insight here, WJ. What you've shared is so very true.
As women we think with our hearts and fall in love too quickly especially when we think we can be the better woman then his last. Men know how to draw us in and push us out.
I think of the first lyrics by John Legend:
What would I do without your smart mouth.
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out.
Men don't like back talk from a woman and expect us to take whatever they dish out.
Their lingo most of the time is not fascinating especially when we know they are pushing us out.
I am pretty good about reading between the lines. I just did not understand why I stood there and put up with all the B*S*. He had me in limbo and I am done with the limbo too.
I admit I think about him and miss the good times, but on the same token I was putting myself through so much stress just to make him happy and I forgot about me plus all those around me who were there longer and understood me better.
Time heals all wounds and there is where I am now still in the healing stage. I have not seen him since New Year's Day.
If he ever does decide to try and come back in my life I don't know what I would do.
I am here in this present moment moving on and I like it that way because I am a lot happier.
Thank you Jane for bringing my inner most to life 🙂
Cat
We live and learn, Cat. And then live and learn some more. We do the best we can with what we know at the time. Trust yourself; you will know what to do with whatever the future presents to you because you will know more and be that much stronger the more you learn. 🙂 You're so very welcome!
I have a question for you. if he's not ready now what guarantee do you have that he'll ever be ready? for all I know, he can get engaged to someone else and justify his actions by saying you two were never an item........I know guys of his type......WAKE UP!!!!
A possibly scenario, yes, Nomfundo, and exactly why it's so important to fill your own cup so full so that what someone else chooses to do with you doesn't ever have the power to make or break you.
You are awesome. You are right on target on knowing exactly what I am currently going through. Its is pretty scary and I feel like someone is watching me after reading this. The good thing is, I am not waiting around for him and I know I am worth much more than spending a weekend here and there with me. He can save himself the time and money and use it for his next adventure. I know it may not be today or tomorrow, but there is someone out there waiting to meet me. How y'all doing? Have a great weekend and thanks for the encouragement.
Thank you for being here, Latinagirl, and for your kind words. I never know who will identify with what I write here, but I know you always know who you are. 🙂
Just thought I'd put in my two cents on this one: P is absolutely right, this isn't about assigning blame (it's obvious there is plenty to go around with all parties involved). What we're really speaking about, and it is truly relevant to all of these posts yet universal in so many different set of circumstances:
1) Are you really getting out of a relationship what you want? If you're not, understand what is about you that is making you stick it out in the first place, especially if it's making you miserable.
2) Remember that actions speak louder than words. And if the actions only amplify what you recognize as being counter to #1 (knowing what you want) and you're not even heading in that direction, remember you can't change the person you are with but you can make your own decision, for yourself, as to whether or not you want to stay in the situation. Don't give the other person the power to make your life miserable. If they cannot, or just are not, on the same page as you, move on and be happy by finding somebody who is.
3) Most importantly live each day one day at a time. Let the relationship evolve on its own and try not to get ahead of where the two of you really are. And know that if things don't work out, or s/he shows you through their actions that the two of you are not on the same page, remember to take your power back and know it's your choice to stay or leave. Don't let things become personal because they are not: It's simply two not being on the same page.
Much much more that I've learned from working with Jane, but having learned what I've learned so far has helped me to have, to date, a very fulfilling relationship.
Eric
Thank you, Eric, for elaborating on exactly what I would add to the conversation.
ANONYMOUS
you DO NOT DESERVE ANY guy until you stop stealing/ or wanting another woman's man! that simple.
YOU KNEW he had a Girlfriend and yet YOU continued to flirt with him and to hang out with him. Encouraging him too probably. YOU'RE EVIL, YOU'RE one of those women who can't/won't draw a line when they find out they're "falling in love" with a guy who is not single. Learn to fall for someone who's actually SINGLE and STOP WANTING ANOTHER'S MAN.
Leave this guy alone, let him get over his ex and you!
Also, this guy is a potential cheater, who easily gets seduced. This is why men/women friendships never work.
Jane you're a kind woman and I always appreciate your response to my previous posts, and I'm sorry I have to write something like this on your site, but I think we're being too nice here.
Ladies imagine your significant other comes home from work and starts acting weird around you. And you finally find out from all that probing that he's been hanging with someone like Anonymous, because a woman from his work starts flirting with him and won't draw a line. (and continues after she finds out he's with you)
How would you feel?
I understand and agree with the hurt and anger of betrayal; it's traumatic. However, blame doesn't really help us move forward with strength, dignity, joy and victory as Jane is teaching. These are two people who violated some important values in order to feel good about themselves. "Anonymous" paid the price of pain and confusion when an unfaithful man was unwilling or unable to change and become a faithful, committed man for her benefit. For me, the Gift is recognizing now, during my singleness, that a man of true character, integrity and maturity is who I desire, and will not settle again for less. Therefore, I am more prepared for the temptation of "flirtationship" with a partnered man - blek.
Thank you for stepping in here, P; this is exactly my point. We cannot change anyone but ourselves, so placing blame serves no one and keeps us staying stuck, staying small, staying victims, instead of embracing our own power, and recognizing what we alone CAN do. Live, love and accept no one else's terms for our lives except our own. When our eyes are wide open to our own ability to choose the terms we want to live by every single day, we become strong enough to see where we've been before and where we never want to be again.
We're all human, Elisia. We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. Judging and blaming and accusing do nothing for any of us except to instill in our hearts and minds the belief that we are victims, that someone can do something to us or cause us to feel a certain way, when the reality is that it's our own personal lens that we see everything that happens to us through that determines what someone is allowed to do to us. We can't change anyone else. We can't make them want to change. But we can recognize in them the same thing that we can recognize in ourselves; the imperfect human being in us all.
Elisia, I hear you.
A lot of us gathered here through many different paths, to seek advice and strength and to move on.
While I appreciate all the positive advice and encouragements, I also think there is nothing wrong for speaking of the truth, as harsh as it may sound.
I experienced the pain first hand. The ex-wife of my dad's best mate made moves on my dad while she was still married to his mate, simply because my dad had the connections that would help her business, and he did help initially at his mate's request. My dad was wise enough to see for what she was, but he was too polite to speak up, to her or his mate. Long story short, the drama ensued was more than enough to hurt my family. My sister and I were barely teens. So children, basically. For months, we were scared to death that mum and dad might be heading for a divorce. Imagine the burdens and anxieties on kids in situations like that. Fortunately, they made it.
I say, if Anonymous was brave enough to date a man who seems constantly on the look out for the next hunt, knowingly, she should be brave enough to deal with his inability to commit. I'm just glad no kid got dragged in. I would hate to see any kid going through what my sister and I went through.
So thank you for be a straight shooter.
Jane, I'm sorry that my words may not fit in here.
I do so hear you, LG, and Elisia, too, and I can only imagine how painful it was for you to go through what you did as a child. My concern is what you do to yourself by judging anyone like this. Ask yourself if it serves you to blame and judge another human being so harshly when it always takes two. And if one of those individuals was you, and you were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time, what would being shamed like that do for you? Would it change you? Or would it only make you more ashamed? We don't heal by shaming or blaming someone.
What we do to others, and how harshly we judge someone else, is always indicative of just how harshly we judge ourselves. We can always go back and find more and more blame to place on all kinds of people, but what does that do for us? It gives them your power, it gives them power over you, it makes you the victim because they can do something to you.
Be that person who is so strong in yourself that no one can do anything to you unless you allow them to.
Be that person who can look at the hurting little girl or boy inside them that we can all relate to if we'll let ourselves go there, and have compassion for them.
No, it doesn't absolve them of what they've done, but that's not your role to play. It's for you to free yourself knowing that you choose what you feel, that you choose what you do with what someone does or doesn't do, that you refuse to be a victim of someone who hasn't yet come as far as you have and learned the things you have. That's how you help someone be the person you want them to be. You don't shame them there. You meet them where they are and you show them how to get to where you want them to go. That's how real change happens, not the kind that goes underground because someone's too ashamed to ask for help. That's how we all heal.
Your words are always welcome here, LG, because without this kind of dialogue, we miss the opportunity to go deeper behind the pat answers that are always the easiest to give.
Jane you are spot on!
I've been following you for many months now and listening to and following your advice.
When I didn't feel like the one I was seeing /dating was "on the same page" I kept my options open as well as filled my cup on my own with all the people and stuff that I wanted.
Well I can finally tell you that it has paid off!
I was on a dating site and his first message to me was to ask me out.
ON date three he said he didn't think he wanted a relationship but that he now wanted one with me.
On date five he asked me to be his girlfriend and we both took down our profiles.
Since then it has only improved and he treats me well and makes me feel special.
If there is any question about who you're dating then keep looking. He's out there!
So that's where you've been, Jennifer 🙂 I'm so happy for you. Take your time. Enjoy. There's no rush when it's someone who's on the same page as you who wants the same thing as you. Just two imperfect human beings finding out about each other. No pressure to perform, to please. Just be yourself and you'll know more over time. I can't tell you how much I love reading these comments when you get it, when you're open even if you're not sure yet what this being open and filling your own cup is all about. Love your updates, Jen.
Jane is right; get a life outside of this guy. Don't let your days revolve around him. Even if this guy likes you, no man wants a woman who can't live her own life without him. Whether to win him over or forget him, the formula is the same and that is to live your own happy life outside of him.
Exactly, Centaine. Thank you for summarizing the "formula" for everything!
All I can tell Im going true almost the same is not easy especially when you sre in love. He says his. Job make him busy that is why he don't want any commitment. I bean seemed bim 4 years.
So true, Rocio. When you're going through it, it's anything but clear.
CAN'T say I disagree with Jane, because like yourself, I was once caught in the same predicament as you. Honestly, I feel your pain and I understand "the heart wants what it wants" and imagine having to pull yourself away from this is sure as hell not a simple task!
However, know that when you're living the best version of yourself, people will ultimately be drawn to you. Such a distinctive trait can only be appreciated by someone who thinks nothing but the world of you; he only wants to give you the best that life can offer. It's more about you than himself, really, when that suitable person comes along.
I hate to be the one breaking it to you, but frankly speaking, there isn't much you can do, really, that will make that guy come around. Like Jane said, if he expresses before that he isn't ready to be in a relationship, do yourself a favour and just take the words at face value. And MOVE ON. you gotta remove yourself from this emotional turmoil ASAP that you find yourself in, before you get really upset if you were to hear it from someone, or god forbid, the guy himself that he's dating someone new when it wasn't too long ago that he told you he wasn't ready for a relationship.
Let me give you an example. I went out with this guy briefly. Really liked him. thought the feelings were mutual, until one day, he just told me that he isn't ready for a relationship. Never gonna jump back on the dating bandwagon. Again. the next thing you know, I was internet surfing when I chanced upon his dating profile on some online dating website! well, i'd be lying if i wasn't upset about this but i know i won't be losing sleep over this, simply because i had to, literally, unpack any form of emotional attachments to this man and the flirtationship that we had, before i go all facebook-stalking on him. Which i absolutely did not do. Just trying to make a point here.
At any rate, i hope you find the happiness that you well and truly deserve! because you should never, ever, ever settle for second best! good luck!!!
And thank you for your points here, EV. It all helps!
I am broken hearted too. I have been with a guy for ten years on /off relationship but mostly a string of one night stands. The pattern is fairly clear...he runs after me about three months after he has disappeared then we sleep together but once he gets what he wants he literally runs away...like he won't stay the nite....before you say it he is single and living on his own I know this for a fact....but he says he likes sleeping in his own bed!
This happened three nights ago and since silence from him because we did have a huge argument. I just cannot help wondering should I call him and apologise but then last week he would have done anything for me and it seems like once he got what he wanted from me that's it he does not want any more.
I guess I should just move on but it is ten years and it means alot for me just to cut him out. Am I doing the right thing here? Please help
I
I hear you, Kelly. When you have that much time invested in someone, it can be so much harder to feel like we have any real options. You do, though. You've had ten years of getting to know him - and his patterns. I don't doubt he's single - but very comfortable with having his freedom and space AND having you when he wants you. You can know by now that this, whatever this is, works for him. This is how he wants it. This is what his terms are. This is what works for him. But does it work for you? Can you keep living on his terms? These are the questions that you, and only you, can answer.
Are you doing the right thing here? Since you're asking the question, I'd say you're probably not, but you're stuck in that place where it's all you've done and all you've known for so long that it's easier to just keep on doing it than to change. Change can be scary. The unknown can be scary. But what's far scarier to me is living a life where you're settling for crumbs when you deserve the whole cake. Being with someone who you feel like you have to call him and apologize to make everything good again - was it ever really that good before that argument? - to keep your status of being good enough about every three months alive. Because I'm guessing that's what it feels like to you. That's usually about where our self-worth stands when we accept this kind of a relationship instead of the kind we're actually looking for. Because it's comfortable. But is it really?
Think of how you'd answer your question if you were your best friend telling you about her situation and asking you, Kelly. That's more telling than anything. We can see so clearly for others what we often can't see - or do - for ourselves. But what about you?
Been there, it's a terrible situation to be in, but I managed to walk away when I realized that I was the one getting hurt all over again as he would come back and hurt me afresh just as I though I was over him. Love yourself enough to forget about him and choose not to be hurt. You could be keeping away potentials by holding on to this guy. Usually if a guy tells you that he does not want to be in a relationship, he means it, believe him and if you know you want different things, remove yourself from that situation. What I have learned to do regarding relationships is not to force things, if it's clearly not what I can compromise on, I leave. I have learned to trust God all the way, I pray to Him and let Him know what I want in my man, and trust that He will grant u what you need according to His will. After all, He knows what you need better than you do. Trust Him and wait upon Him.
Thank you, Selu. When we try to force something, we miss so much.
One thing that really stood out for me like a sore thumb was when you said not to stay with someone who can't say I love you back. I lived with a player for a long time (but didn't know he was of course) and he was always saying I love you, my guess is to cover up his indiscretions. Pretty sad world out there.
And it's so much more than the "I love you" words that you deserve, Joan; it's the actions and behavior to back those words up. Now you are free to find the other side of that world out there - the one where you expect someone who's on the same page as you to show up - and he does. You deserve nothing less!
Loving God, loving others and loving yourself is a beautiful you. I'm on a path of righteous living. I am learning to trust, believe in Christ and make him my Lord and Savior. Blessings are flowing my way because God is taking me on a journey that I've never been on before; of truly understanding HIS romantic, protective and cherished love for me.
I date myself, I hang out with my girlfriends and I focus on God, school and work. I'm getting to know and accept the real me. I want to be strong enough to not settle for just a body next to me.
If you don't stand for something, you will fall prey to anything!!! Ask yourself, what are my morals? Beliefs? Do I just want a mediocre friends with benefit relationship? Yes, even that is a relationship.
That's why I don't get it if a guy says Im not ready to be in a committed relationship. No! what he is simply saying, without hurting a woman's feelings is, I don't want to be with you.
You are just around because either I can't get what I'm really looking for ,or im just not feeling you long term. When a man wants you, love you, its not going to be something you have to guess at! Whew!! Had to get that off my chest!!
Nonetheless, I desire to be fulfilled with God and not man. God will never leave me nor forsake me. Unlike man. I am tired of craving the temporary when I don't have to.
If I ever enter into that soul mate, head over heels relationship, I want to be able to say I'm fine with or without it.-Anika
Thank you for sharing, Anika.
Dear beautiful anonymous,
Jane is right and she's said it all already. The biggest take away will always be that your life is yours and yours only, no matter who's in it or not. I know that from where you're sitting, it's easier said than done, but trust me: you absolutely do not want to be with someone who cannot be with you for whatever reason. It's this way: you want a loving, beautiful, committed relationship. He's not there. That's all that matters and that's enough for you to go live your life without regards to what he does or doesn't do. Please don't sit around and wait. He can cry, beg, plead and say he wants you... It doesn't change a thing if he's not giving you what you want. You've already given too much to a man who cannot reciprocate. Take your power back. It won't be easy, but you can have everything you desire even without him, even alone.
Don't stay. It'll only hurt you, your sense of self worth and self esteem.
Little by little go inwards and detect what's making you hold on to someone who's not holding on to you and from that awareness, promise yourself you will commit to yourself and your happiness above all else.
Friends with benefits situations have been long debated... But very very very very few women get out of it with a commitment from that man. I don't know what life has in store for you with this particular guy, but do you really want to take such a risk?
You're too precious to risk your heart like this.
Sending you lots of love and clarity
So true, Angel. Thank you for adding everything here.