One of our gorgeous readers, Angel, is trying to move on from a relationship with a man who won't commit.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
I've been reading a lot of your blog posts for few days now, some of them I read few times too. Here's my situation that got me all confused:
I am a single mother of 2 teenagers and I am having a Long Distance Relationship with this guy from another country for 11 years now. He's working in my country on a flying in and out basis. I only saw him when he was on his way in or out from where he works (in another island).
I know this was not ideal, but we were so clicked and compatible for each other. We could talk about anything, shared so many similar interests and hobbies, basically it's a perfect relationship except that he doesn't want to have a commitment.
He said that to me 3 years since we started the relationship, and caught me by surprised.
He's never married before and he's 12 years older than me. I thought I would wait around, see if he will change his mind because we love each other so much. At least that's what he said. Since then our relationship started to get on and off.
I tried a couple of times breaking up with him so I could pursue my dream, that is to have someone who would want a serious commitment whether it's in the form of marriage or long term relationship.
But we ended up back together again and again.
Last couple of years ago I found out that he was deceiving me by having an affair with someone younger than me and it lasted for 3 years behind my back. When I confronted him, he said it was just physical attraction with no feelings attached.
So I forgave him and we were back together again. But deep down inside, I have difficulty to trust him again. And I feel like I've been walking on my toe, busy trying to please him so he wouldn't leave me, etc. That makes me really unhappy and not myself.
I am losing my self esteem, overwhelmed and so on.
Then I started searching the internet to find out how I can deal with my emotion. That's when I found your blog.
So last week I finally made up my mind that it's time for me to let him go and move on. I told him that I no longer want to continue this relationship. Because it's all for him, what he wanted, but it's not mine and not what I wanted. I also told him to never contact me again cause it will be too hard for me to move on.
I even wrote him an email to say goodbye.
But it's not as easy as I thought to break him up. He started begging and pleading me to stay, maybe just take a break but come back to him again, that it would be too hard for him not to talk to me or see me again, and so on, and so on.
I am getting confused, he said it was not me...it's him that's having a commitment issue, and he said he couldn't help it. It's like a phobia or something.
And until today, we were still talking about this without any solution at all. I want to walk away from him, at the same time I feel sad that he is desperately talking me out not to breakup.
What am I supposed to do?
I love him so much, but at the same time, I am unhappy in this arrangement. I don't want to hurt him and it devastated me to see him like this. He was never really good in showing his emotion, and this is the first time I saw him break down.
Please help me, he's like a drug to me, getting me addicted and I can't get away from it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my email.
- Angel
My Response:
Dear Angel,
All the way from Indonesia!
How honored I am to receive your letter and that you found your way here! Wow, we are more alike than we are different, regardless of what part of the world we find ourselves in.
What strikes me most about your email is that this is always the way we do things – we try to find a way to fix something, to make it work, to make it better, to - as you put is so well – “to find out how I can deal with my emotion”.
The reality is, Angel, that the reason why we have these emotions hanging around so uncomfortably like they are is because we’re with someone who triggers us like this. Someone who brings up these emotions that come up in us. Someone who leaves us feeling like we need to walk around on tiptoes, trying to please the very ones who have no place in our lives, but who we defer to because we somehow feel we need them there.
And so living like this, being like this, is such an unnatural state of being and living for us that we can’t help but find ourselves unhappy and not ourselves.
We know so much more than we think we do. And it’s our gut instincts that are crying out to us to listen to what’s really going on, to hear and see the reality of how we’re being cheated on no matter who he is or what he promises or what we believe is possible if we can just prove ourselves worthy enough of him.
Wow.
Do you see that? That’s the only time this happens. When we’re with someone who triggers us like this. When we’re with someone like him.
He is right about it being about him, and his own issues, and it being a commitment thing. But what he’s not right about is expecting you to live your life like this any longer when you've already spent the last 11 years of your life living exactly like this.
And so this confusion you’re feeling has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him.
Of course you’re confused when his actions for the past 11 years have shown you one thing and now his words are telling you something different. You know what you see, you know what you've lived, you know how it’s felt to live like this for oh so long, you know so clearly what anymore time spent living like this with him is going to be like for you!
This isn't about what he wants; this is about what you want, and what you want is a real, loving, committed relationship.
But I have a feeling it’s such a foreign thought to go against what he wants, to be the one who says no, to be the one who puts a stop to this, to be the one who takes a stand and refuses to compromise your strong stance here on what you will accept for yourself and what you absolutely will not accept any longer.
You’re disrupting what works for him, Angel. You’re interrupting his plans. You’re forcing him to take a look at himself in light of the reasons why you are saying you can’t do this anymore.
Of course he doesn't want this. Of course he’s going to beg you to stay and promise he can be different if you only give him more time.
But does anyone really need any longer than 11 years to figure out the truth about someone?
That’s a long time, Angel. That’s a lot of years to lose yourself in someone like this. That’s a lot of years to learn to defer to someone else and how they feel and forget about you and how you really feel.
My guess is there’s some relearning about things like loving yourself and putting your own needs first for a change, and finding out who you really are without the tip toes, without the pleasing, without the proving yourself enough so that someone will change. My guess is this has been a long time coming even if it seems so new.
There can’t be any resolution because he’s not saying he’s going to change.
He knows he can’t. He knows he doesn't have to. He knows he doesn't need to. He just doesn't like that it’s going to change and there’s nothing he can do to stop it because it’s not worth it to him to change.
Keep with your plan that you feel so strongly about. Go and live your own life now. Be happy.
That you’re unhappy in this arrangement says it all. That’s enough. Don’t worry about hurting him. He’s hurt you enough already. Especially when he cheated on you.
Cheating is cheating even if it’s just physical. It’s still cheating.
And if he’s really hurting, if he’s really going to do something different than he’s done the last 11 years and actually going to change, you’ll be the first to know. But being with someone who feels like a drug, that you’re addicted to, isn't a healthy way to live for anyone.
He doesn't represent all men. Or even a fraction of men.
If he’s serious about being with you, he knows exactly what he needs to do. No confusion there.
As for you, this is your beautiful life to create for yourself. Go get happy. Go get healthy. Go find that beautiful, confident, radiant you. She’s in there, Angel. She’s who you've always been. Go get her and don’t stop for anyone who can take or leave you ever again.
He’s going to do what works for him. Now you’re free to find what works for you.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts, advice, or words of encouragement for our friend Angel? Share them with us in the comments!
God bless you, Jane! xx
Thank you, Angel.
Hello Jane and everyone,
I am sorry I have only been checking on this site again. I didn't know that Jane would post my question and reply to me that soon, I really really appreciate it. Thank you so much for all your words and wisdom for me and my situation. I cried a lot these days, and sitting here and reading every comments and encouragement you all sent me made me broke in tears. It's really really hard, I know I've been stalling so long to stay in this relationship, I should've let him go and walk away a long time ago. I am gathering all my courage and strength to be able to do so now. It's still not easy because recently he's been really sweet and nice again, more than before. And he asked if both of us can just take a break for awhile and see how it goes. The thing is, we never stopped talking to each other for all those 11 years. Even when we were angry, we probably stopped for a couple of days and back talking again to each other. He told me he wouldn't be able to stop talking to me cause it was never succeeded. And I am the one who want to cut all the ties, because I don't think it will work well for me if I am still in contact with him. I don't know. I am feeling like being pulled to different directions.
It feels like I am riding this bus and it's been going around and around because the driver never has any intention to take me to my destination.
I just hope I have enough courage and strength to go on without him. Truth is, I never thought I would be able to. I am still confused 🙁
Thanks for the pouring attention, everyone. I know it's only the internet, but I know I have friends out there somewhere.....and I know I am not alone.
Love,
Angel
Hi Angel,
Please remember: your life is the bus you're on and YOU are the driver. No one else.
You have all the strength inside of you. You are the strongest force where you are. All the beauty and love are already inside you. Take a journey inwards and little by little it'll come to you. For now, be with the confusion. Meditate, answers will come.
Much love and clarity to you. You're not alone!
Hi Angel,
You were so right, I was looking at it from the wrong angle all this time. The bus is my life and I am my own driver. I need to change the way I think. Baby steps. I am trying to re-gain my self esteem and has been shifting my focus on myself now. Taking it one day at a time and trying to be more positive and grateful for what I have. I do feel a little better each new day.
Thank you so much....
It's all here for you, Angel. The love, support, understanding and compassion for this part of the going through. For you. Within you lies all the courage and strength you could ever need when you're ready to find that out. Choose you, and everything else will start to fall into place. Much love to you on this journey. You are never, ever alone!
Hi Jane,
You are truly an amazing woman. You have no idea how much strength I have gain in just a week just by reading your blog here. It really helped me to stop blaming myself on everything that went wrong. I know I still have a long way to go, but I believe I can get through this. And it won't be an easy one, but it would be less painful knowing that I have all the support and encouragement from all of you. I feel so grateful that I found your blog. I am learning a lot from here. Thank you so much for everything....
Oh you inspire me, Angel. One week. That's huge! Be so proud of yourself. This is all you; I just plant the seeds. 🙂
Hi, Angel.
I totally understand where you're coming from. When I was about 18 years old, I was in a similar situation with a guy who we'll call B. He kept promising me a relationship, and then I found out he had met someone else while he was dating me. I confronted him about it and he told me he'd change but I didn't believe him so I dumped B. first I was devastated because B had lied to me about everything he said for 2 years. Now looking back what happened I realize that I did the right thing. It's not worth to stay in a relationship with a guy who you can't trust and that cheated on you. If you go back to this guy he'll change for a little while, but then he'll just go back to his old habits. My advice to you is to move on from this guy. I know how hard it is to let go of someone, but in the long run you will be really happy!
Hi Alysha,
You know you were right. No matter how much I tried to trust him again, even I have forgiven him, deep inside I still have my doubts that he would never do it again. Even he promised me that it would never happen again, etc. Because I know that it was easy for him to hurt me, that he was capable of doing so, even after he told me that he is still love me and will never stop loving me and no one else (Gosh! It did sound like BS now). And it still hurts until now. I am in the process of moving on. I hope I can let him go sooner than I thought.
Thank you so much for the advise, I really appreciate it.
Angel, enough is enough! 11 years with someone who does not give your interests and needs priority is enough. Don't be scared, it will take you some time to adjust but you will finally get there.
Phionah
Uganda
Thank you so much for the support, Phionah.
I was in the same boat for six years until I realised it was all my fault for not loving my self; forgotten my potential; scare of facing life with uncertainty, fear of being by myself. Love is equal to commitment otherwise is not love, the rest is excuses, pretty clear. I decide once in my life to give my self a big opportunity to not waste my time any longer because, everyone , without exception deserve to live happy not in doubt and this is me. Big apologise in case it sound tough but I cannot waist my precious time anymore not even one more day, we live once also we are sitting in the driver position of our life. We are were we are because it was our choice and none one else can be blame. There is time for everything, time to cry and laugh, live and die, time to say enought; to change to stay; time for a yes and time for a NO more and stick on that regardless what is offering the future, you will get there to the other side of the rainbow. Decision are only in ours hands, we deserve RESPECT and not muck around. At the beginning wasn't easy, very hard but at the end when you stand firm for your rights it is sweeten. Just think how many people exist around the world and then ask the question for yourself "there is? or not? too many fish in the pound"? Is that men telling you fo so long liers the only men in the world????? Well, make the maths!!!!
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Margarita. I hope I would be able to follow you in finding myself very soon.
I don't have much advice to give her cause I too am in a similar situation. I have been with a guy for 5yrs and he is afraid to commit.
He currently lives with me but he has his own rental house that he continues to pay for. So when things get tough he usually runs away. Our story is very long and complicated as well. I do know what you mean about loving him no matter what and having that click with him. My whole head tells me its not good but I keep giving it chances. I'm not happy but I keep going, we have broken up for 4 months before. We both dated other people but the emptiness and hole was never filled,but if he found what made him happy then it was all good. He contacted me since he said no one compared to me. I know he lovesme but its his way or no way. If I express my opinion then I'm running my mouth and he says that pushes him away.
He told my daughters he was saving for a ring but he turns on me too fast when things don't go his way. I need his 100% love all the time not just when I agree with him. So I also need a good push out the door I just don't know when to say when.
Hi Kristie,
I wouldn't give up on myself now. I just have to find my strength and courage to get through this. I have my fear too, I am sure that's what has been holding me back to make a move. Let's try harder this time...both of us. For our own sake, we deserve to be happy too. And everything that Jane wrote for us all here were so right. I am reading them over and over...just to remind myself on my goal and it really booze me with all the support that I need. Wish for the best 🙂
Hi Jane:
Angel is an Angel. Men confuse women. It is so hard to try to explain men. You are right Jane to move on and I have.
We know as women when we are happy or not.
Jane with your strong words keeps me motivated to take care of me.
Women listen to Jane.
We need to make ourselves happy or we will be miserable 4/ever.
Jane you made me realize that.
I have to ask he gave me a promise ring, should I give it back it to him? I don't want to see him.
Thank you,
Catherine
I'm so glad these words are helping you, Catherine. This is so true. As for the promise ring, do what you need to do more. If you want to give it back, then give it back, but if you really don't want to see him, then find a way to get it back to him without you having to see him or put it away so he'll be out of your mind until a later time when you can return it to him then. You're what matters here, more than the ring.
Thank you so much, Catherine. Yes, we need to make ourselves happy, that is so true.
I am very sad for her heart break . I think she should see other people and see if she can get a great connection going with another man who is emotionally available. At the same time set a time limit with him and be very up front and tough. Leave him if he doesnt make some sort of commitment
Thank you for adding your thoughts to the conversation here, Audrey. It all helps.
Hi Audrey,
It won't be easy to just let him go like that after all the time, energy and emotion I've invested in our relationship. Everytime I tried to start anew, my mind never stopped thinking about him and then I started to compare. Which was so unfair, I realize that. I did set a time limit for myself this time. And I have to learn how to be tougher than I was. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support.
Angel,
You are on the right track and by reading Jane's blogs, you will soon feel stronger and more clear. I am going through something similar and I can say, with Jane's personal coaching and her programs, I feel so much stronger and am making choices that work for me. My self esteem has risen dramatically, since I've chosen ME. You deserve to have the safe and committed relationship you want and when you can clearly see this, the letting go won't be as difficult. Keep reading Jane's words of encouragement and wisdom. You are heading in the right direction. Stay strong.
Thank you for your beautiful words for Angel, Steph. It's so inspiring to hear this from you!
Hi Steph,
Yes, I will keep reading Jane's words. They're what I really needed right now. Thank you so much for your advise and support.
I agree with Jane. I was (till recently) in a similar situation for 5 years. Not long distance, quite opposite 10 minutes from one another. To the point where we use the same healthclub, dine at the same restaurants and have mutual friends and even some family connections. I made the decision just as Jane described to move on knowing that if I am important to him he will do what it takes and I will be the first to know. It is hard to stop loving someone who had the qualities of being the one you could spend the rest of your life with. The most important thing to remember is that you need to be honest with your self and accept reality for what it is today. Take time, heal and put yourself and your feelings first. It is true when one says "To love others you need to love yourself first". Don't be afraid, I am on trip by myself at this very moment accessing how I want to move forward with life being that the man I am leaving is so present in my every day life. Do I stop going to the places I enjoy, do chose a different healthclub, do I tell friends and family to not let him know anything about me when he asks. I don't have a problem ignoring him when I see him, it is he who has the problem, he often tries to come up with a non important question to ask me. Ok enough about this, Jane you are the first online Relationship expert that I have come across that is dead on with your advice. Thank you, Joanne
Your words are so kind, Joanne. Thank you. So glad you're experiencing the freedom of being away on a trip by yourself. It helps to get so clear on who you really are and what you're really looking for. Yes, it is so very hard to stop loving someone who had the qualities of being the one you could spend the rest of your life with. But it's that reality - and not the fantasy - that wakes us up every single time. Stay there, in reality - it reveals so much. Because you will always be the first to know. It may make it harder to move on from someone who you bump into so often due to proximity, but this too is about what you want to do for you. You don't have to change anything about where you go and what you do unless you want to. He's going to do and be whatever works for him. This is about you doing what works for you.
Thank you so much, Joanne. I am following your lead too. You were saying: "It is hard to stop loving someone who had the qualities of being the one you could spend the rest of your life with". How true! I thought I would never found someone like him again. But now I thought, what exactly has he given me? He told me all he ever wanted is to make me happy, but this is not the happiness I want, this is his and his only. I am going to try to be brave and leave it all behind now. One day at a time. Thank you.
Hi Jane and angel, after reading your story I realise how much we all place our way of life and how we feel about ourselves in others. We need to look at our own happiness and expect and deserve to be treated with respect and love. If we can't get that from the ones we love then what is in it for us. As women, we all deserve to feel loved, important and special. We are all caring and want to give but we must also receive what we deserve so we can give our best and give our love, knowing that the other person will love us back, as we are.. Beautiful creatures.. There are a lot of men who will take advantage of those women not looking after them so they can take what they want, but we need to
Know those men, don't love us, they just know we need them and will give to them no matter what and harsh as that is, that is never true love xx all the best and just back yourself up, trust that you know deep down that you deserve more from a relationship.
Beautifully said, Eve - and so true. We forget the part about what we're getting in return, about whether what we want so badly is reciprocal at all, and most of all, we forget about us - the beautiful creatures we are that are worthy of this in the first place. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Eve. You were so right. Sometimes we care too much and put others interests and needs above ourselves. And I will try to give more attention to myself now.
Hi Angel,
For a while, I thought I am reading my own letter to Jane. We have so much things in common. I have been in a relationship like this with a man who lives in another country, who can't commit to me, who I tried to fixed, who cheated on me and I forgave, and who I am addicted to for 5 years.
Like you, I know in my heart that, that wasn't the relationship I want but everytime I tried walking away, I am but a shattered heart. I also googled and made a researched to find out what was that that's happening to me and believe me I tried all the tips recommended but I just stayed romantically, hopelessly in loved with him. That's when, I found the book by Robin Norwood "The Girl Who Love Too Much" and Jane's blog of course. They have been the help I needed the most towards my recovery.
As painful and heartbreaking as it may sound, but that man will never change, no matter how many chances you give and no matter how long you will stay. Man like him are narcissistic sociopath. They will put up a show like pity parties, come up with illness, misfortunes that is opt to take advantage of your natural desire to help and to love. They will also beg you to stay and tell you that you are the most amazing thing that has ever happen to them just to manipulate you. You, who are loving and kind. Don't let him do this to you, Angel. Use all the strength you have to shut him off your life. Do not speak to him. He will just spin you with more lies. Do not contact him or reply to his messages.
Jane and I together with the readers of Jane's blog are here for you. Focus on yourself. Spend time with yourself. Love yourself. Always remember that if it threathens your peace of mind and self worth, leave.
I will end my comment by the words that Jane wrote to one of her post that is now my daily affirmation. "Don't worry that you've missed out on anything worth missing out on. The right ones never leave. The wrong ones always do."
11 years are enough, do not give him, even 1 second.
Thank you for sharing, Rechelle. When you've been there, you understand this all so well. So glad these words are resonating with you. Deep down in our hearts, we always know the truth, even if we don't want to hear it. But there in your heart, you always know.
Rechelle,
I agree with all the advice you have said. We are really wise once we let our emotions stop clouding the reality of what is. Wishing you all the best.
Angel, no more time wasted on this Man, or Child. Love yourself more and get strong. I know that saying you mentioned Rechelle all to well.
Luv Judy AKA (Regretful)
Hi Rechelle,
I can so relate on yours. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.
"Jane and I together with the readers of Jane's blog are here for you. Focus on yourself. Spend time with yourself. Love yourself. Always remember that if it threathens your peace of mind and self worth, leave." These really made me cry. I will do my best and again...thank you so much for your thoughts and support. God bless you all.
Thank you so much to Judy as well.
I also agree with Jane.
I struggled with a similar relationship for 8 years, and came to the point you have. It took me a long while to free myself emotionally from him and I still think about him, I thought he was my soul mate. It was the single most hardest thing I have ever done to walk away from that relationship. Its also the best gift I have ever given to myself, which started a journey of finding and loving myself. I am not the woman I was but stronger and would never ever give up my precious life like that again for someone who wouldn't see the treasure I am and give me the commitment I needed. I completely lost my self esteem over the years and nothing is worth that!
Take care you are doing the right thing.
Chrissy
Hi Chrissy,
I thought he was my soul mate too! I was really hoping for him to come around and realize that. But I know I can't fool myself anymore. Thank you so much for your thoughts and support.
Oh Jane your reply has really been so helpful. Angel I have just asked Jane for her help too.
At the age of 28 I had a two week old baby and a four year old when my husband (whom I loved with all my heart) left me suddenly for another woman.
I had been putting up with his infidelities for so long and by the time it was all over I was left with no self worth, no security for my children, and wanted to die.
I turned to drink Angel......that's what I did to comfort myself........and for the next twenty years my life (and my children's lives) was one nightmare after another.
I would not look at having a relationship with anyone....how could I.? My only relationship was the drink I had in my hand.
All of those wasted years.......
Then I managed to sober up, get a new life. New job, car and friends....and then I met Donald three years ago.
He had a similar past experience to me. He lived on his own and I thought my prayers were answered. It can be lonely on your own and I had been looking to meet someone. So he came along at the right time.
In those three years I did everything to make him happy. I forgot about me. I forgot about my needs. I forgot about my families needs. I forgot about my pets needs (I rehomed my beloved cats as he said he would move in with me if I did - he was allergic to them). I put his needs and his wants before MINE.....and I was back to where I was 30 years ago......doing the same things and expecting a different result. INSANITY.
I contacted this website and read and read and read about women like me....like YOU Angel......and it has only been a week ago that I told him it was over. OH HOW THAT HURT...............I wanted him to beg and beg and beg. But I didn't answer his calls, I didn't reply to his TXT messages. Miraculously I am trying to LET HIM GO.
I am 57 years old and I thought this was all I was worth. This was all I could get. But Jane is so right when she is telling us that we know deep down in our very souls that its not right. Its not what WE deserve.
I don't know what the future holds. I am trying to take this one day at a time
Am I crying..........Oh yes.................Do I miss him..................Oh yes...........Do I want to see him......................Oh yes
But I cannot go on like this. I will end up destroying the time I have left on this lovely planet. Don't you settle for less either Angel.
Let us stand together and look after OURSELVES for a change. Happiness and contentment, serenity and acceptance. That's what its all about.
God Bless all of you lovely people. Angel I wish you all the very best in your decision....which only you can make. xxxxxx
"But I cannot go on like this. I will end up destroying the time I have left on this lovely planet. Don't you settle for less either Angel. Let us stand together and look after OURSELVES for a change. Happiness and contentment, serenity and acceptance. That's what its all about." - Exactly, Wilma, none of us can go on like this. None of is are meant to go on like this. It's why it ends. It's why it happens. It's why we come to that place where we simply cannot do this anymore. Thank you for sharing your own story here, Wilma, and for your beautiful words for Angel. Yes, it absolutely is what this is all about.
Thank you for sharing!!!
And thank you, RealDavis, for being a part of this beautiful community.
Dear Wilma,
Thank you so much for sharing it with me. And for all your thoughts and support. It is my decision, all these years I think I was waiting for him to make the decision for me. And you were right, I can't go on like this. Thank you!
I agree with Jane, Angel.
Set yourself free and start loving yourself. Once you've learnt to love yourself you would realize no man who does not realize your worth is not worthy of you.
This is a lesson I had to learn too and I am glad I am where I am, being happy single.
There is also no reason for you to put yourself through the hurt and anguish that goes along being cheated on. Many people would advice that once the trust is gone, there is nothing left. I tend to agree, because yet again, this was also what I experienced and I decided no man is worth my time who cheats on me.
I moved on and I live a happy, full life. Yes, it hurts and it takes time to heal, but do so knowing that you owe it to yourself to set yourself free from this vicious circle you became entangled in.
Love
Denise
"I moved on and I live a happy, full life. Yes, it hurts and it takes time to heal, but do so knowing that you owe it to yourself to set yourself free from this vicious circle you became entangled in." - Thank you for these words for Angel, Denise. It's that bittersweet sentiment of knowing you're doing what you need to do for you, but still feeling your own pain in that doing. They remind me of a beautiful quote I once read in the first book I ever picked up after my own heart was so broken in two "And yet, even in the sunshine, one has to cry sometimes" - By Susan Jeffers, in a little known book called "The journey to lost and found" The first book I ever read that made me feel I wasn't so alone.
Hi Denise,
Yes, I want to move on and live a happy life too! Thank you so much for your thoughts and support.