One of our beautiful readers, Mimi, was in a relationship for over a year with a man who is suddenly getting emotionally distant and emotionally (as well as physically) unavailable.
Here's her story:
Thanks for the opportunity to reach out. I'll be as brief as possible, sacrificing good grammar and punctuation along the way!
I reconnected with a friend of a friend, whom I first met over 20 years ago, a little under two years ago. We first Facebook messaged, getting to know one another.
I am never married, he is divorced with two kids, and we discussed our schooling, work, private lives etc. over messages for about a month. Went from Facebook to using personal emails, he gave me his phone number but I didn't call, just emailed.
Gave him mine finally and he called and we continued with phone conversations and texts. All told we got to know one another quite well through these methods for about 5 months before a face to face meeting. Which was great as it left the physical aspect out of the attraction and it was in very different levels. He lives about 3.5 hrs from me, drove down that first night for dinner, then returned home.
Seeing one another after months of contact was nothing short of wonderful.
That was August 2013, but since he has was in the process of building his own business that is seasonal, he works 7 days a week, so our contact continued to be from afar. He came again in October and soon thereafter said he wanted me to visit him and meet his kids. I did, in November 2013, and from there we saw one another regularly every few weeks.
Though his business was 'out Of season' he still worked at it night and day (he had come from a corporate setting and is very determined and driven and a workaholic to some extent). All seems great, though he is continually overwhelmed and stressed with his business and focuses on it endlessly.
Summer of 2014 fun, early Fall good as we make plans to do things and go places and he excitedly looks forward to the end of his season.
He and kids come to Thanksgiving with my family...my parent, siblings, their families etc. We take a short but sweet and fun trip together in early December, he takes his kids to see his parents for Christmas, then he alone spends New Year's with me at my home.
The push for getting ready for this season begins immediately thereafter as he has tons to do to get ready.
New Year's was great...relaxing, comfortable lots of conversation, including him asking me if I'd ever considered a career change - leaving mine to do something different like work with him perhaps. I was honest that I hadn't thought about it before before... I hadn't had the interest or opportunity to consider something other than what I do as a situation hadn't arisen that made me want to do that.
We had discussed things like this before on a smaller level and I was honest then as well....I had always envisioned a life with family, kids, etc. but It didn't happen so I focused on my career and it wasn't until being with him that I ever considered scaling down and making my life more 'family centric' as he put it. And I reiterated that to him again.
I am a medical professional, yes, but I also cook and garden and can jams and do all that stuff. For him I'd make foods and freeze them as he never has time to cook. I kept he and the kids provided with my homemade jams and peppers etc.
I made sure they had cards for holidays and birthdays, and he deemed it his best birthday ever when I got the kids to make cards for him and we had a cake with candles and ice cream and decorations and gifts etc. (he doesn't have kids full time but they're high maintenance in many ways - don't clean up after themselves, don't do anything but want to watch TV which is fine with him as he works in his office all the time they're there anyway, won't shower, no chores, etc).
I am the emotional type while he is more direct.
And since leaving his other job, before I had met him, and starting this new business he is focused obsessively on that.
So, all seemed really well after New Years, he said he wanted to spend much more time together, move forward with us, etc. then he went to meet with someone he used to work with to consult about his business and get a plan together.
In so many words the guy told him he had no chance of survival moving forward as he was and needed to get more help in there immediately, that his seasonal employees are just that, seasonal, and he is guaranteed failure if he doesn't change things ASAP. On his way to meet him he was texting about when I would come there, which days the following week were good etc. On his way back he told me some of what happened and immediately I was supportive, boosting his ego, trying to keep him confident, offering to help, etc.
And I've been totally cut off.
We last spoke about almost a month ago. He sent a card, and small gift for valentines day, which was a huge surprise as he only had ever given me cards in person and had never sent a single thing!!
Initially I received just a couple of random texts telling me he, or the kids, were sick. Or how his heat isn't working. Most recent one said he is juggling so much and needs to be organized so he can show the real him, and he couldn't even ask for help because he didn't even know what to ask for.
I'm so confused.
I've done nothing but be nice - too nice probably - as I don't know that he has ever appreciated anything really. I think he was told what to do a lot when married, a lot of fighting, and I'm the opposite.
I did things for him, I tried to take care of him and help him....I even cleaned his place for him! He was never very grateful and I know I gave far more than I received.
I'm not a stupid person, maybe just trying not to see that I've been dumped or whatever. Am I just letting him get his stuff together? Is someone so busy that they never call or care?
I broke down yesterday and sent a message that said that I think of him and the kids often and hope all is well. He responded with a thanks honey, believe it or not the thoughts go both ways.
Help. I really care for him. We had so many plans. What happened?
- Mimi
My Response:
I know you really care for him, Mimi.
We always do. Often more than we care for ourselves.
What happened, is that reality happened. You were the only one who was ever really in this relationship. Oh, he was there physically, and maybe mentally and a little bit emotionally when he was able to be and wanted to be, but not the way you were.
You were living the happily ever after without there being anything concrete to base that happily ever after on.
You gave so much, so much to his kids, to him, to his life, to his home. You embodied the perfect woman – the perfect wife or mother - or what we think our role needs to be to be loved, to be wanted, to win the part of girlfriend, fiancée, wife or whatever other part we're vying for.
Of course you're confused. Because it wasn't supposed to end up like this. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. You did everything you thought you were supposed to do.
You were everything that "they" led you to believe that you had to be to win over the heart of someone who wasn't looking for the same thing you were.
He may have thought he was. After all, how could he not when you gave so much of yourself, when you did so much, when you were so nice, when you bent over backward the way you did to make sure he was happy, that his kids were attended to, that he was so well taken care of and understood? Isn't that really what it all comes down to? How could he not want to be with you, to continue on living like you were with all your dreams, your plans, your hopes for the future?
I so hear you, Mimi.
There you stand, looking on at all this, looking back at all this, wondering what on earth happened. I can hear the disbelief in your words as you consider it all.
He's an imperfect human being, Mimi, just like we all are.
He thinks he knows what he wants. But then he doesn't. He thinks he's ready for all you gave him. But then something doesn't feel right to him. And he doesn't quite know what it is. He's never been taught how to communicate his feelings, let alone understand what his feelings are all about in the first place. He's never had that type of communication modeled for him.
But there's something that just doesn't feel alright to him. Something that isn't working out quite the way he thought it would, even if he doesn't have a clue as to why.
And so he does what anyone would do, and especially a man who has never been shown or told what you do in a situation like this, and he pulls the work card, the busy card, the "but you understand, don't you?" card, and more specifically in this case – the "juggling so much and needs to be organized so he can show the real him, and he couldn't even ask for help because he didn't even know what to ask for" card.
Because, after all, he really doesn't want to hurt you. He really wants you to just understand and let him off the hook and not be too upset with him and please don't be mad at him.
So that's what happened, Mimi.
No, you're not stupid, no you couldn't have seen this coming because you didn't know what to look for when you were only following what we're all told to do in so many messages when you find someone you want to be the one and you want him to see that you're the one for him, too.
Everything you did for him, everything you were to him, there's absolutely nothing wrong with any of that, or of you.
But Mimi, the part we're not told about? Is that you don't do those things when you're not being reciprocated in return. You don't keep doing those things when there's nothing coming back to you.
But here's the most important part of this – because I have a feeling you're going to go to that place where most of us go, where we blame ourselves, where we look at what we could have or should have done differently that would have given this whole thing an entirely different ending. Don't. Not even for a moment.
It wouldn't have changed a thing.
Because the only way a relationship works is if you have two people on the same page.
That means he would have been giving you something from the beginning. That means he would have embraced the woman you showed him instead of pushing you away. That means it would have had a different ending than this one. Because he would have wanted it to as much as you.
That's how you know, Mimi. It's not just we'll see what happens or leave it up to fate.
It's two people who want it to happen, who make it happen together because this is what they both want. That's the only way you want it and the only way it works.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Mimi should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with all of us in the comments!
Mimi, I would give him his Space. Try and Research. Aspergers- sounds a lot like the man I'm dating. It's all he is capable of giving to you right now. If you can accept that from him , then have patience. Otherwise he thinks you are smothering him. Best Wishes, Robin
So true, Robin. Sounds like you understand this well.
Jane:
Hi Jane:
Life is crazy. We cannot let go of him and not letting go thoughts that we wish would have happened. You are so true about those thoughts. Mimi needs to find herself like I did and you did. I am still a bit lost but once in a while. But, day by day I am getting myself back only been 3 months. I met this laid back guy he is much younger and I am okay with it. I will bide my time like men do and when I find the right one I will know it his him like you found your true man. I was married twice not too much in a hurry, not a player, hate rude people. I got myself back and thank you for the encouraging words.
You're so welcome, Catherine. Sounds like you're seeing this so much more clearly, and finding your way back to the heart of you. One step at a time. Take it slow. If he's right for you, you'll know.
Hi,
I am new to this site but not new to life and relationships.
One thought I have to offer is that a relationship is like building a house and if you build the basement and 4 floors and your boyfriend is still working on the basement, that is not reciprocation and that is not going to work. We work so hard for our relationships and we don't have to do so.
So sad, I hope you are able to get relief and stop worrying about him. Jane offers so many incredible ideas in her video #1. Like we are just not ready at the same time and hence it will not work.
We love you no matter what and you deserve the best and not some half-baked relationship.
Love the analogy, Pat. It's so true. And thank you for your beautiful words for Mimi.I'm so glad you're enjoying the videos! 🙂
Thanks so much for the responses! Perhaps they're not necessarily what I want to hear, as I always hoped for that happy ending, but often times the truth isn't! I recognize that I gave far more than I received, and that was strongly hinted at by both my sister and my friends as it was happening. I chose not to see it I suppose because I was honestly just 'being me'. I was not trying to make him like me more, nor was I trying to prove anything. I was doing what came naturally to me and in essence that's what confuses and frustrates me the most.
He definitely is devoid of feelings and emotions whereas I am the opposite and I think I was seeing that as a yin and yang thing that might actually work! He is an only child, left home at 18 to join the Navy before going back to school and career. Had an unhappy marriage, and before coming with the kids for Thanksgiving with our family said that it has been almost a whole generation of years since he spent holidays in a family-like environment. I don't think I acted entirely on hopes and dreams but instead allowed myself to let my mind and my heart wander based on his leads at times; asking me if I'd ever want to be married, telling me it's not too late to have a more 'family centric life', mentioning how when he told his kids he would like to take them on a boating trip his daughter said 'That would be great. I have it all figured out. You and Mimi and can get married on the beach on our trip and we will be there to see it happen and then we'll REALLY be a family'. So, yes, I may have been overexcited at the prospects of a future with this man but it was not created entirely by my vivid imagination.
At New Year's when we talked I said that I could do what I do for a living there, but it wasn't something that could happen by April as I have spent 20 years building my practice and to just close it that fast would be impossible and impractical. Maybe that was the wrong answer, but it was an honest one. He's made comments suggesting that he thinks I'm smarter on an intellectual level than he is, and that he finds me to be a very independent person. I'm the first to admit that I have my professional side which is very driven and high achieving but there exists a total opposite personal side of me that cooks and gardens and likes being outside and active, I can do anything from put up drywall to install a cooktop to shovel a snowy driveway! It's like I'm a bra burning, glass-ceiling-breaking feminist professionally yet a most traditional, conservative, submissive (not in the 50 Shades kind of way!!) woman outside of work. He's full speed ahead business minded in all aspects of his being!
I thought being supportive when he was down was the right thing to do but I think rather than help him all it did was depress and drag me down, too! I can't say that all is perfect and wonderful in my life but I do tend to keep that sort of stuff to myself so he'd never have known otherwise; whenever I was with him or had any other form of contact with him I was nothing but upbeat and positive and understanding. He, however, was often uptight about work, business and as I said, harped on the fact that he wasn't deserving of a really nice home right now, or of a new car, or of a day off. He said the guy he consulted with, the one he used to work with, was apparently quite shocked by his physical appearance and inquired as to whether he was sleeping, eating properly or had a social life. He took that as a wake up call, and as, among other things, a reinforcement that he was indeed in need of greater focus and attention to his business.
It's funny because there are those times when, say, we'd have a bottle of wine and then maybe break into another and he would completely change, for the better!! He'd stop talking about work, he'd tell stories about growing up, or about where he'd like to travel, what things he'd like to do, what he saw for 'us' moving forward. He'd laugh. Smile. When we were away in December he was relaxed and fun and funny and I couldn't have adored him more. But damn if that didn't come to a complete halt. Arrrrghh. I actually liked this one, but like others that have come before him, why do I try to save men from themselves instead of attracting someone who might just come along and save me!? I imagine he could well be seeing someone else. And/or he is really busy. But no one is too busy to say a quick 4 second 'hello'.
Thanks again for all of your thoughts. I appreciate them, even if I secretly hoped I'd hear that all I need is to do is be patient while he works through stuff and it'll all be okay in the end. A girl can dream, right? 😉
Thanks for the update, Mimi. A girl can absolutely dream! Yes! But what does so much more for you than dreaming about someone who isn't on the same page as you - and who you don't know if he'll ever get there - is to dream about something real, someone real, someone on the same page as you, someone who is looking for what you want and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen with you! Those are the dreams that always come true, that don't leave you wondering what's wrong with you or questioning whether you're worth those kinds of dreams. Oh how you are.
There is that beautiful, wonderful happy ending with someone who wants that ending to, but that's the whole point; it has to be with someone who wants that too. When you want it, not 30 years down the road when he finally has a chance to look back on his life and realize there might have been something more to this looking within and choosing a different way of being.
Yes, you can wait. Yes, you can be patient. But it's what happens to us in the process of waiting, of being patient, that hurts us more than we think it will. It's always your choice, Mimi. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. You know yourself better than anyone else ever can. But if you're only pretending that you can do this, that you can wait, that you can be patient, that you can keep living your own life without letting what he's choosing to do or not to do with you affect your beautiful self-worth and confidence in the process, you only fool yourself in the end. But like everything, it is your choice and only you know what this particular man is worth to you.
Keep us posted. I'd love to hear more from you. 🙂
Mimi I'm sorry to hear your pain. In time this will pass and you get the opportunity to see this for what it really was.
As everyone mentioned you did nothing wrong just being your loving self to someone who couldn't love you the same way
Start to channel all that love you gave him back to yourself and your little girl inside of you who needs you now more than ever before .
Send him love and release him so you can open yourself to someone amazing and can see your light
Love and blessings
rosy
Beautifully said, Rosy. Thank you for these words for Mimi.
Hello Jane. I have not vanished from your website, life just got busy. I have had you in the back of my mind, when I received the above e-mail "It Was Going So Well, Then He Suddenly Became Emotionally Unavailable". Interesting. Your comment "You were living the happily ever after without there being anything concrete to base that happily ever after on." Oh boy, that rings true. Another one of Jane's famous quotes that resonates in your mind and stays there in a VERY helpful way! Eric made some valid points to, as many others have. I'm reading and still learning. I have not given up on dating all together. Just getting the fact. Just getting the facts. Mimi. Some good advise here. Take what works for you.
Always love getting your updates, Denise. So glad these words resonated with you! Reality will take you everywhere you want to go.
Hi Mimi,
Jane is absolutely right: As a guy who has in the past been in the reverse relationship, where I was dating a woman who lived a couple of hours away from me, she happened to be in a similar set of circumstances as your John Doe, in that she was moving to find a new place to live, she was trying to help her daughter find employment in the world of marketing and she was looking at making a career change herself. We'd been out a few times and we got along famously, but fortunately, we both realized that while we might be on the same page as to what we wanted, we were both on the same page and mature enough to communicate to one another that we just were not compatible with one another.
The distance between yourself and this man enabled him to stay in his comfort zone and escape it (the relationship) at his leisure without having to fear any sort of repercussion due to the distance between the two of you.
If it works for you, being in a relationship where you don't see that person with any regularity, you might consider trying to pursue it. To get him back to the table (so to speak) and see if you can get him to see you again. If it does not work for you, recognize that it's your choice and you're not willing to compromise on being such a good partner with somebody who seems incapable of recognizing and appreciating the great qualities you posses.
From my perspective, the guy for you is going to be just around the corner, or at least close enough for you to not have to travel 3.5 hours, and you will find yourself in a much more fulfilling relationship full of love and joy.
Eric
Thanks for adding your perspective here, Eric. It all helps!
Mimi I experienced the exact same thing. I am here to tell you, you did not do anything wrong, you were just being you. Someone will love and cherish that in you...please do not allow this person to make you change who you are (I almost did). As I look back on the relationship, I was unhappy and miserable and who wants to live like that!! He and his kids had drained so much from that I did not realize I was depleted until he told me he did not want to be in a committed relationship. He did not want to be in a committed relationship with me because now he is engaged. I really was in love with his potential and not his reality which was messy!! Now I live in the NOW and my NOW is pretty darn GREAT!!! Mimi this will pass keep your head up and moving forward, the person you are looking for is looking for you wait on him!!
Thank you, RealDavis. How you understand when you've been there. So true!
I think it sucks, but I think Mimi should move on. This guy doesn't know what he wants. I think if it was meant to be he'll come back around when he is ready, and if you are still there and wanting to be with him great, but if you've moved on than most definitely his loss. There is someone out there for everyone, a guy that will treat you for the amazing person you are. Relationships should be give and take -- not give give give, and someone else take take take. That gets old fast. Good luck Mimi - be strong and don't settle for anyone less amazing than you!
Thank you for these words for Mimi, Portia. Absolutely this gets old fast. And can't be sustained.
While I love the response Id hate to think that Mimi will react ... Id love if you had suggested to her to just let it be... If he is confused he may come around doubtfully... But in the interim she would only benefit by his coming to her at this point any way... Mimi seems a beautiful person and who knows if what may happen if she just leaves it be and refuse to stress or feel poorly... People love to see the great moments and ignore the red flags... The most blatant red flag being ... You are not feeling content... Nor happy... Take care of yourself as you did the man and his family... You are the one most worth your effort xo
Thank you for adding this, Christina. And you're so right "the most blatant red flag being - You are not feeling content, nor happy". We forget that part.
Mimi, you weren't being stupid, you were being yourself. Sharing, being kind and thoughtful. Waiting for things to finally fall in place, thinking it was just a matter of time. But as Jane says, he was not in it like you wanted him to be and he was not moving in that direction.
So, the only thing to consider is how much you gave of yourself, not that you did anything wrong. He needed to be in the right place, the same as you. Seems that he was not. You took a chance on him because you saw the potential.
Do not even consider what you might have done differently. It is a dead end that requires you to back up and back up and back up to finally get on the right road and finally see the truth. Keep moving forward, and know you are a good person for what you did for him and his family.
"The only way it works is if you have two people who are on the same page". So true. So, so true.
Exactly, Wayne. Thank you for adding this for Mimi.
i heard her say he asked her had she thought. If your dating a man with kids four hours away you haven't thought. He asked you to relocated is whT I heard. I also heard her say about his kids she hasn't had any and it sounded like she didn't want to be responsible with them if he didn't make the time. I believe you two liked each other but she was really not into him. Mailing things is not the same he had more and if you start something that's already steps ahead where your thinking it's off and running and your shoes aren't tied. Lesson learned good luck next time. You still have friendship and that's a good place to end things and learn from.
Thank you for adding your perspective here for Mimi, Melissa. I especially enjoyed your shoes analogy - so true.
I am so sorry, Mimi. I think when we have history with someone, there's an implied trust there that isn't a part of a new relationship. So when that person says the things we want to hear, we believe them, because we think we are already past the bs and trying to impress stage. Turns out we may be, the guys aren't necessarily so.
Unfortunately, found that out the hard way myself. But I've also come to understand that I was puttung all mybelief in him, when I should have put it in myself.
Hang in there; the hurt is very painful, but finding the way back to yourself is very rewarding.
oh so true, Liz. You've summed this up so well. Thank you for sharing your experience with Mimi. It all helps!
The fundamental thing is: Nothing you did caused this. There is nothing more you could have done to prevent it. As hard as it may seem to fathom, it really had very little to do with you. If anything, I am willing to be it had nothing at all to do with you and had it been someone else other than you in the situation, it would have played out exactly the same way no matter what they did/didn't do. It's all him, his thinking, and his choices that led to the behavior. And it doesn't make sense because it probably doesn't have much rational thinking on his part either. His actions are emotionally driven and reactive from the way you described it when he went dark. It's not you, it's not your fault, and you didn't attract this any more than a bank attracts a robber. No, the robber wanted money and chooses the bank out of convenience or because its there and so is the robber. That simple. Don't blame yourself. This is HIS loss and I am not just saying that to make you feel better with a cliche. Some people just really know how to sabotage their lives so brilliantly. It's their self-hatred not yours. If anything, you were a chance for him to have something really good in his life, but he hates himself, likes misery, and he messed it up and the man who is worthy, has a clear and open space to be in your life. Trust.
It is so hard to fathom when we're going through it, Jackie. But it's true. Thank you for these words for Mimi.
Jackie I could not have said that better!! Thank you, your words helped me!!! Thank you!!
Greetings SisStar,
My friend, now you are free to explore what really makeYou happy. Your journey now begins. Treat yourself good. Dont be so hard on yourself. Stay busy. Visit new places. Cry it out. Play uplifting music,
Even through my tears I can still smile.
Psst!! Your soul is stronger than you think.. 1 love
So true, Sharri! And beatifully said. We miss this part - "Your journey now begins" - The gold that's in here that we can't yet see. Thank you, Sharri.
Stay strong Mimi, around 5 weeks ago the same thing also happened to me.
I was dating this guy for a month, however along the way i felt as if he was so guarded and that he put up some high wall between us.
After that he just mentioned that we both need some time and i nvr heard from him anymore after that although we both had made so many plans before that.
It hurts and it was painful. It was not okay. I kept wondering what would have happened if i have never told him how i felt.
The past two weeks, i realized that it was better off this way since i just know him for a short duration of time.
Stay strong Mimi and be okay about these things which hurt.
Thank you for sharing your own experience going through this, Alex. Your words say so much.