There's a reason you choose who you do. You know this all too well, even if you don't understand what that reason is. You're the first to admit that not just anyone will do; there has to be something that sets the one apart who's going to get a second glance from you.
And that something is always more about you than him.
There's some unmet need you have deep down inside you that's looking to be met in this person your radar has honed in on. It's rarely about anything as simple as a look. No, it runs so much deeper than this. More often than not, it's an attitude that comes through more clearly and more seductively than anything else you can put your finger on.
But why now? What is it about him?
This is your work, not his. To discover what exactly "it" is so that you are no longer powerless. How can you own your own power when someone who comes along like this can have so much power over you?
You see, I understand all too well what you mean when you say he's like no one else you've ever met before. I understand why it can feel so different, and seem like this time, it's going to be the real thing, despite all practical and logical reasons to the contrary.
Because when it's a need deep within ourselves we're subconsciously trying to fill, it takes on a life of its own.
There is no logic.
There is no practical reality of what is. There is only potential. There is only what if. There is only "but this time he's going to be different."
Because this is what you so want to believe. It's what it just has to be. And so, it's what you will make it out to be.
Your work begins and ends with you, not anyone outside of yourself, and especially not anything he can do for you. So what is it about him that keeps you coming back for more? What is it about him that makes you feel like you can't live without him, that he's your very lifeblood and without him you can't make it on your own? These are just feelings after all. They're the very stories we've bought into and told ourselves so many times that they've become our very reality regardless of the truth.
Of course you can live without him. Of course you don't need anyone outside of yourself. But when it feels like it does, and your own inner longing is what it is, there's no fighting this feeling that consumes you.
Unless you know the truth.
The truth that comes from accepting and loving yourself wherever you are, whatever that looks like right now.
The truth that comes from being compassionate with yourself for what you thought you should have learned by now.
The truth that comes from allowing yourself to be exactly who you are, however flawed, however imperfect that might look like to you from where you stand with such standards of perfection you hold for yourself.
There's no one who does this to you like you do!
But instead of using these imperfections as one more thing to beat yourself up about, it's time to do something so different.
Find out what that little girl inside you needs to fill her cup full.
Find out what she's missing that makes her hold on so tightly to someone who isn't right for her.
Find out why she feels the need to be with someone who can't give her what she's looking for.
But don't stop there. It's never enough to only understand why. "Why" is a springboard to build from to do our work to find out what we need to know that we can' t yet see for ourselves.
We have to be willing to do something about it. We have to be willing to grow ourselves, to stretch, to be open to seeing what this new knowledge and these new ways of seeing can do for us. To letting go of something or someone that's hurting us, of giving someone a second look who we might have overlooked before.
It's what we do with all we're learning that makes the greatest difference in what we find, in what we're seeing, not just what we're coming to see!
Don't accept anything less than being happy, not just feeling a familiar feeling that in your heart of hearts isn't what you know this life is meant to be.
It's your beautiful life. It's your time to live it the way life is meant to be. Don't make it about any him; make it about you!
How about you? What are your reasons for holding on so tightly to what isn't working? Know that you're not alone and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! I'd love to hear your story. Please share it with us in the comments.