He’s our first love. Our first example of what a man is like.
From the time we enter the world, our daddy becomes our everything.
He’s the one we run to when we need to feel safe and secure. He’s the one we go to when we have something to show the world.
He’s the one we want to know will always be there for us, no matter what we do or who we become. He’s the one we long to please.
And he's the one whose approval we're always striving for.
It sets the stage
Our relationship with our dad sets the stage for all our future relationships with men.
If he was there for us, both physically and emotionally, we learn that this is what we can expect from men and this is what we look for and gravitate toward in our own relationships with men.
But if, for whatever reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with us, he wasn't able to be there for us either physically or emotionally (or a combination of both), then this is what we learned to expect. And this is what we now find ourselves drawn to in our relationships.
It’s why we keep attracting the men that we do.
It’s why it’s so difficult to change these ingrained patterns because our programming that tells us this is normal - and that this is simply the way men are - is all we've ever known.
I hear the same story so many times, from every kind of woman from every walk of life. And when we dig deeper, underlying all the reasons why, all the excuses and justifications, there lies the little girl who loved her father like no one else in the world.
He was her everything, and all that she wants from him is his love.
Which is why what he did with her, how he treated her, and how he acted towards her means everything to her.
I remember when I first heard someone mention the deeper role our fathers play in our lives, particularly in our relationships. It was shortly after I had my first panic attack when I was away from home at university when I was 18, believing I was ready to conquer the world.
I felt so lost and so unsure when it was the opportunity of a lifetime. And so, when I went to talk to someone about what had happened and why, the questions turned to my relationship with my dad. No, I answered, it can’t be anything about him and our relationship. There’s nothing there but love.
But the truth was that I just wasn't open to seeing it back then.
It wasn't until years later after I had repeated what had become my signature pattern that I would identify as attracting emotionally unavailable, non-committal men yet one more time that I realized there might be something to those questions about my relationship with my dad.
It runs deep
I started digging deeper.
I started looking beneath the surface and realized I was indeed looking for my dad – or the dad I always wanted him to be – in every single one of the men I was finding myself attracted to.
The emotionally unavailable man. The man I had to chase after who didn't come to me, but who I had to go to.
Oh, I thought they were chasing me, but now I realize I was the one chasing them in the subtlest of ways. And to make matters worse, I was chasing the ones who weren't on the same page as me. The ones who were on the same page I wrote off before ever giving myself a chance to get to know them and find that out for myself.
I was too busy chasing these emotionally unavailable guys trying to get them to see what I had to offer even though they were the kinds of men who would never be capable of giving me what I wanted. I now realize that I didn't really even know what I wanted. The truth is that what I really wanted was to prove that I was worthy of being loved and given someone’s time and attention from a guy who wouldn't give it to me.
Apart from that, I had no idea what I wanted or what mattered. It was a quest for someone to finally come to me and choose me instead of the other way around. It was a pattern so familiar when I was willing to look beneath the surface and see that it was the only way I knew to be with a man. I was looking for my dad.
The father-daughter relationship
When I finally admitted this to myself and allowed myself to explore this further, I confronted my dad and tried to explain. But of course, he didn't understand.
How could he? He loved me in the only way he knew how. With a love that was as demonstrative as he knew how to give. With a culture so filled with so many incorrect messages for dads about daughters and fathers and what father daughter relationships should look like.
Not to mention the way our dads themselves weren't loved in the ways that they so needed to be loved. How could I have expected anything else?
This had to come from me.
I had to do it myself. Whatever I was looking for from him, it wasn't going to come from my dad who did the best he could with what he knew at the time. From someone who not only wasn't familiar with the term emotionally unavailable, but also couldn't possibly understand what that meant to me and the relationships I was having because of him. He might have set the stage for what was to come, but it was me who needed to come to terms with the reality of what was and what had been and find my peace in accepting that reality for what it was.
I had to accept and forgive. To realize that I was loved in the most loving way that he knew how to love me. And I had to free both myself and him from the fantasy of what I wanted it to be.
I wanted him to choose me. I wanted him to come to me. I wanted him to pursue me and not let me go when I was running away. I wanted him to show me I could be myself and still be loved by him. I wanted to test his love, and find out he would always be there, and that he wouldn't abandon me. I've learned that this is what all little girls do with their daddys to become the strong, secure women who know their worth and know they deserve to be loved for who they are.
But no one has told our dads this. They’re doing the best with what they've been given.
Once I figured out what my underlying belief was; I have to get someone who’s emotionally unavailable to commit to me and love me to reverse this pattern, I was able to release myself from it. Once I broke free of this pattern and was finally able to attract and be attracted to someone who was emotionally available in every sense of the word, I began to learn the biggest lesson of all about dads.
They love us in the only ways they know to love their little girls.
Accept the role that your dad plays in your life. Accept the subconscious influence that your very first male relationship, the one you have with your dad, plays in your grown-up relationships with men.
But if it was less than perfect, which many are, release him from what he didn't know or wasn't capable of giving you. He gave you what he had to give.
Blaming or pointing fingers does nothing to help anyone, and especially not ourselves. But accepting them and loving them for who they are does.
It wasn't about you. It was about him. It’s time to stop chasing someone who can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. It’s time to stop repeating these patterns over and over again.
It’s time to see this for what it is, a pattern that we can change by awareness and acceptance and the understanding that some men can never love us the way we want them to.
It’s those ones we need to recognize, to release and to move on from to the ones that are waiting for us to be open to seeing them for who they are, the ones who really are on our same page, the ones who can love us the way we long to be loved.
You deserve nothing less.
I’m confident that there will come a day when men realize the pivotal role they play in the lives of their little girls. A new generation will emerge of consciously aware men. Men who are made even more aware by the women in their lives who help them to see it. Women like you and I.
We can’t go back in time, and we can’t change the past. But we CAN change the future.
Love,
Jane
I’d love to hear your own thoughts around how your relationship (or lack thereof) with your father has shaped your life and your ability to love. What comes up for you when you think of your own father-daughter relationship? Please share your thoughts with us in the comments below!
I think this can also apply to the relationship between a mother & her son too. I was in an abusive marriage
for 20yrs to a man who blamed his mother for not "saving" him from being molested when he was about 10yrs old. His parents weren't made aware of this abuse until my ex was around 35yrs old so they had no idea that any of his "naughty " behaviour as a child was him acting out in the hope someone would notice something wasn't right in his life & save him from it. Throughout our marriage there were times I felt something wasn't right for him as he always seemed haunted by something bur I couldn't put my finger on it, although I wasn't surprised when he finally told me about his childhood trauma after being together for 7yrs. I tried to encourage him to get professional help as I felt I didn't have the experience to handle this in the most appropriate way due to being emotionally attached. He point blank refused, saying he had told the only person he wanted to tell. From then on his drinking became even worse, affecting more and more aspects of his life as well as mine & our children. He now started to become more verbally abusive toward me for any perseved fault,etc, eventually leading to occasional physical abuse also. Even though I didn't realise at the time or until many years later it was as if he'd handed his internal shame over to me & effectively rid himself of it. Over time , I guess when he felt that hadn't worked, he started to blame me & take out his anger on me also, almost like he was acting out what he wanted to say to his mum but to me. He often said how he hated her & other times when drunk he seemed to project this hate onto me by saying "just cos you hate my mum" at random times that didn't relate to the conversation/argument that was going on at that moment. Due to him refusing to confront his issues & get counselling, his put of control drinking & the abuse that followed, which was now also being aimed at our kids, his denial that any of that should affect myself or our kids cos he had a much harder life, I ended the marriage. I'd had more than enough of dealing with it & couldn't protect myself or our kids anymore from the harm he caused. Next time I enter a relationship I feel I need to know almost every dark secret they keep so I can ascertain whether I will become their emotional punching bag for their unresolved issues with their parent/s. On the other hand my dad has always been very supportive & loving through out my life & I feel I could ask for help or advice & I would be given what i needed.
Jane: I so wish I had read about this about father/daughter relationships before I got into my last relationship. I got blindsided in July when my girlfriend of 11 mos suddenly broke things off. Had I read this I may not have gone down that path. Her father was an alcoholic and not around. She was running the streets at age 14. Her first husband cheated on her. Second molested her daughter and then a bad engagement before I showed up. I poured love on her and her family. Fed her #1 love language every day. All her family and friends "adored" me...her words. As painful as it was for me, I'm even more sad for her. She is a wonderful person who deserves a great guy. Successful in her career and her family. We were the envy of many at one point. My therapist said she likely didn't feel worthy of what I was offering. I recently entered a relationship and I openly asked about her relationship with her father.
Hearing you, Gary. "I'm even more sad for her". And that feeling of somehow being able to love someone who isn't able to love themselves, is so much of the reason we stay.
This article is right on time for me. Growing up my dad taught me how to ride a bike. How to pray. Tea parties and Barbie dolls. But as I got older he doesn't have to much to talk to me about. I have my MBA and I c change jobs to move up the corporate ladder and my dad is super old school and wants to see me in one job long term for retirement purposes. This is not my career goal as I am looking to gain as much experience as possible them start my own business eventually. His disapproval crushed me and I honestly had to soul search about the purpose of my life and what I WANT for my life. But work is literally the only thing that my dad talks to anyone about because growing up and currently he always puts work before his family. My dads side of the family is very emotional cut off. My mom and her side of the family is very close and loving towards each other. Im 30 and had a few long term relationships but nothing had truly stuck in a relationship in years. I just recently accomplished a large goal of mines and that was relocating out of my home town for career purposes and over the experience and I am enjoying it. And although due to loneliness I have had a few FWB I now know many traits I want in a man and the traits I'd want in a future husband. I feel getting away from my familiar environment has made me focus on myself and what I want out of life which is something I've never done.
Hi Jane,
This article truly hit home for me. I grew up in a house that was emotionally unavailable all around. I was never a daddy’s girl, very much attached to my mom, but she was very dependent on him. For years I’ve jumped from relationship to relationship seeking love, approval, wanting to be chosen and kept safe, and this article brought it to light as to where it came from. Yes, my father was there physically but most of the nurturing and care came from my mother, he seemed to be there and only involved when we were in trouble or too much for my mom to handle (there were 3 of us and I’m in the middle). We didn’t grow up saying I love you or hugging and expressing ourselves. It’s now as adults a big joke when we have to hug and be affectionate. Knowing what I lacked as a child I always sought after those traits in a partner. I wanted to be loved, chosen, kept safe, and approved...yet here I am at 30 still trying to fill the void after every break up. I now have a daughter and her fathers main concern is earning money and that’s how he shows his love, which worries me that she will go through what I am later, looking for that love and affection her whole life...thank you for this article because it has helped me to unlock another part of this void for me. Like you said in the article, my father loved me the only way he knew how and I know going to him will be talking to a wall. I don’t place the blame on him or my mother because I know as a parent that there is no manual and it’s life’s toughest job out there. If you have more information and articles you could share I’d really appreciate it.
Thank you and take care!
Your home sounds so familiar, Crystal. It's no wonder your relationsihps have followed such a similar pattern. You can't change your daughter's father, nor can you change your own, but you can inspire them in your own way by seeing them as the little boys they are inside. It changes our tone, which in turn changes their response to us maybe just in the moment, but if they are open to it, in time it may be for longer. I've seen some small but nevertheless huge changes in my own father, slowly - too slow most of the time, but nonetheless, there've been openings that I would have missed it if I hadn't been watching for even the tiniest signs of hope. Bridges and boundaries are essential parts of this. You can't build bridges without your own boundaries; there is too much history, too much programming on your end, that the pull to perform exactly as it used to be is just too strong without some deep work on understanding your own power. I've been working on this since I woke up years ago. Confronting him never helped. I thought it would, but it didn't. I kept on repeating my patters for a long time. It was acceptance that helped. And then resolve to focus on me for a change and become what I'd always wanted to in spite of him, of her, of that old family dynamic with all its subconsiously programmed deep-seated messages I'd embraced and adopted like the pleasing little girl I'd been. The things we'll do for love, to be loved. Your daughter has a chance to not become you with your awareness of all of this. My son was the awakening for me because it woke me up to everything that's wrong with how we raise our men as little boys. But it was my daughter who provided the impetus behind that awakening because I could so clearly see myself in her. This is only the beginnning, Crystal, but with acceptance of what you can't change and empowerment for what you can, there is more hope in your words than you might imagine. I hope it helps to know you're not alone and that you can inspire more change in the ones around you than you might think. Not sure if you read my other articles on this, but they're here if you haven't as well.
Wow its like I wrote this article myself. Its very similar to my situation. My father was never and still isn't affectionate. Its the reason I get into relationships with men who I have to chase to love me only to realize that they dont or cant. I'm in one right now. My father also used to beat me as well as my mother and its the reason most of the relationships ive been in have been abusive either physically, verbally, mentally and emotionally or a combination thereof. Thanks for writing this.
I've been reading articles about why the man I love would choose to lose me, a positive part of his life - intellectual and emotional connections- amazing sex, to continue grieving and caring for his "ex" he's been separated from for 5 years. We went from friends when we were both married, to dating for about 8 months to him breaking up because I wanted commitment and he didn't (although he treated me through words and actions like he cared) to friends with benefits but nothing public. He spends the night, talks and listens, cuddles and expresses care but won't set a date or time to spend together. I've accepted him and didn't always like it but dated other while having my need to be accepted as I am met. I just found out that he will go to dinner with his ex and be seen, which makes me believe he's still intimate with her too.
I told him we need to talk, but he hasn't called back, because I need to tell him that I understand he's not over her, and I've accepted him in that space; however I can no longer be the secret outlet or comfort. I want him in my life, but I deserve to be someone he'd socialize with and acknowledge. I am trying to stay away from accusing him of lying and telling each of us different things because I don't have a claim to him as "mine" and truthfully, it doesn't matter. I'm going to miss my best friend because he is and I, @ 46, will miss the best physical and mental connection I've had, but it hurts too much to not be chosen. I've told him I love him enough to wish happiness and good in his life and if his ex is that for him to fix it. It doesn't need to be me but I hurt that he's struggling.
That is why this article hits home. I am a daddy's girl and he died last July, and I miss him everyday. He was encouraging, funny, always focused on his family and never talked about emotions, implied we could lose favor and controlling about the "right" way or what we should do with our lives. He was also teachable. I pushed until he told me he loved me and it becAme natural, I shared my feelings about him and he learned to do it to. I told him all he'd given me and my children before he passed and he called me to tell me his last dictate as my father which I knew was how he gave back to me what we'd given him through our gift. He told me his fear while dying and no one else - I'd earned his honest and vulnerable self, and I didn't push as I had to honor my mother's desire to let him own his illness and treatment. He died scared, terrified and questioning. I feel responsible for not pushing him to find acceptance.
I realize now, I keep looking for a man who will choose me and because I had success with my dad at times I struggle to give up. My dad never did choose me, but he shared himself with me. My dad avoided the hard things and didn't really know what it was to struggle for growth. I'm avoiding too because I want to grow but I'm tired of feeling never quite enough, that my job is to be the teacher and not receive as well, that in always the one who isn't accepted as I am and that I'm too deep or expect too much.
I want to find what my FWB give me because it is so very full and nourishing to my soul - when I get it - but I'm scared he's the only one who has it or that I'll never find the whole package (mental emotional sexual)... and I want to push because it's paid off although only to build them up, not usually to build me up.
Thank you for providing me a place to share what I feel because many people don't want to talk at a deeper level the answers are so clear to those not living it or haven't struggled reconciling their love of their father with the shortcomings of him as a man.
I'm glad this resonated so much with you, Kristin. We all need a place to connect the dots, when our broken hearts keep leading us to the same place. So glad you found your way here. This is exactly the journey.
Thanks for writing this. To be honest I'm not sure how I ended up on your site, and reading your post, as I was more curious about father son relationships. Thank you though, for being honest and open.
I found this very insightful. I used to be more like my father, emotionally unavailable and what some would call cold. After going through some very tough life experiences, particularly during the years of 25-30, and after developing and cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ, my heart has de-iced.
I have noticed a strange phenomenon though. One good way to make just about any woman silent, scare her off, her have her ignore me is to be nice and encouraging. I have found it really weird and just assumed it was that they were not used to being genuinely encouraged or praised. I really wasn't sure though.
Reading your article really makes sense of what is going on or happening in those situations. Unfortunately it also makes sense out of why so many guys are participating in the whole alpha male/game garbage.
I even did a little experiment on a female friend. I had sent her a nice, encouraging text and received no reply. After a few days went by I sent her a somewhat critical, or mean text message. BOOM! Reply received within 5 minutes.
I really like what you said, and agree, that we have to acknowledge and accept that our parents, and family, love us to the best of their ability. Of course there are some exceptions to every rule.
Anyway, thank you and God Bless!
Wow I wish I knew about this article a long time ago . I'm 24 & I never been in a relationship, I'd rather have a "good time" or "friends with benefits" just to avoid getting hurt. I don't know anything about men or how to treat them I'm very cold towards them .My Father was an heroin turned alcohol addict, my whole life until the age of 19 I've never seen him sober. My father turned me away all my life he just didn't care very emotionally unavailable , he was physically there but at the same time he wasn't, I could see him &talk to him but no interaction.nothing !
I'm so sorry, Nikki. How my heart goes out to you. Know that this wasn't about you, it was about him and his own demons. You don't have to hide behind the "good time" or "FWB", you can take your time, get to know someone slowly over time, look for character and consistency of his actions that show you that you can trust him. Someone will always show you over time who they are. You shouldn't trust until then! This isn't about proving anything to anyone; this is about you allowing yourself to be loved like you've never allowed yourself to be loved before. You have every right to.
dear jane, dear all,
i am struggling big time since months, years... instinctively and also through psychoanalysis, i have been detecting reasons why i was/still am attracted to the same type of men. i am at a stage in my life that i have to wake up and get myself together or else i will continue wasting my years. however, as you all know, waking up takes time. even years. i am in a relationship with a man who resembles my father. gestures, acting, making me laugh; connecting over humor, but when it comes to revealing real emotions and building a deep connection, running away. ending the conversation like a knife cut. leaving the room without a closure. disabling my attempts to reconnect. though none of these were his fault. in his heart and character he was/is a father who has a full capacity to love. but he was limited and controlled by my mother. she never gave us alone space. whenever my father got close to me, she was alarmed and wanted to be in the conversation or in the happening, whatever was happening. i even witnessed and heard that she warned him not to get too close to me. i used to hear sayings like "this ain't a subject a daughter would discuss with her father." i didn't understand but ofcourse as a very young girl, i accepted this as a fact. i always missed my father. the dominant feeling i have when i think of him still, is that i miss him and i yearn for his closeness both emotionally and physically.
as i grow up and have a totally different perspective over this issue, i went through many phases including hating my mother, distancing both of them, then loving them and showing my love intensively. then i resented my mother again. on and off. meanwhile, i went through many dysfunctional relationships with men. and currently i am in one of them as well.
these emotionally unavailable men are not making us feel the way we want. however, like us, they have a background story. and it is crucial to remember that their story is not so much different than ours. i have tried a lot to demonize him in order to gain strength to put a distance in between us, but thats not the way. they are suffering as well, and most of them not knowing why. i know my existing relationship will end at a point because we are both lost in our cases and we are both expecting something from each other which we never had from our parents. thats not going to happen. everybody has one mother and one father. as jane says, they have done their best, which is why it is pointless to question their love. once we hit this reality, our resentment will automatically disappear. the rest is to take care of our wounds and be responsible of it. however it is very deep wound that no one can aid, no matter how much love is on the table. which is why we should stop expecting a partner to fulfill this gap. because our ability to love is something and the love we can feel is something else. i wish i could find a way to convince my emotionally unavailable man that he is worth to be loved and if he opens up, i will not hurt him. but i am not capable of doing this, firstly because it is not my job, second i have to teach myself that first. maybe then only, he would see it is possible. we learn by observing, not by being told. i will learn to be an adult. he might go or stay, at this point, it shouldn't matter. the best case we would grow up together but usually - unfortunately thats not the case.
i am wishing everyone ease and strength.
Thanks for sharing your story, Lisa. You can't convince someone of something they've got so protected within themselves. Yes, he could find out that you're not going to hurt him, but underneath, you're so right to recognize that he has his own story, too. If he's going to learn this, you're giving him all the opportunities to do so. And that means that whatever happens, you can live without regret.
I thought I would give a perspective from the husband's side of things. I have been in a relationship with my wife for over 20 years now and I feel the relationship with her father has impacted our marriage in a negative way. In the beginning I think we were good because we had our own life, friends and common activities. I gave her all of me, to which I felt was the right actions to do with someone you are in love with. As time went on I started feeling as though I was in direct competition with her Dad. She would always look for his approval on our decisions. We purchased a vehicle to which he did not approve of and did not speak to her for weeks. She was very upset by this. I couldn't understand why she would be upset as it was our decision to make and didn't affect him in any way. He finally came around and life went back to normal , or so I thought. As more time passed it felt as though she was pushing me away the more she would seem to get his attention. We got married after a few years and had a child. I was so into being a Dad, because of complications we were only able to have one child so I wanted to be there for every little thing. This too was great in the beginning as we seemed to function as a well oiled machine. We relied on each other as expected and were very happy and proud parents. I started to notice a shift in her focus from my interactions with our Daughter to her making sure her Dad was very much in the picture. I could see her eyes light up when he would hold our child and play with her. It came to a point in which I felt he was taking away my time and she was not respecting the boundaries of our relationship. I feel as though I lost a lot of time with my Daughter and was feeling betrayed by my wife. Eventually I ended becoming withdrawn and kept to myself. I have come to realize now that I was not the issue here and that I fell victim to her living vicariously through her Daughter. She wanted to make her Dad happy and have a loving relationship that he didn't give her as a child. She had told me that he was not an emotional man and never told her he loved her. I know now that I am not responsible for fixing her issues and she must own this. I do have anger towards her because, I feel she robbed me of the relationship I wanted to have with my Daughter. She is now a teen and I am not sure what impact this has had on her. I am in counseling now, as I am trying to heal from the years of emotional abuse. I want my Daughter to see me for who I really am and I am trying to figure out if my marriage is worth salvaging. I am not interested in staying if this continues. I thought I would share this as I wanted women to also consider how this can affect the spouce as well. I loved my wife with every ounce of my soul and gave her no reason to want to go any where else for support. I felt as though she cheated on me when she would run to him for support. There was moment in which I will never forget and breaks my heart when I think of it. We went to visit her parents and she gave my daughter to her Dad and he lifted her into the air above his head. I didn't think much of it until I seen the look on her face. It reminded me of the seen from "Lion King" when they are atop the mountain and the king raises his so above the his head for all the animals to see. I was genuinely happy for a moment until I noticed how she was beeming. I had never seen this before. It took me a while to figure it out. She wanted so much to make him happy and in that moment he was.. and so was she. In all of the moments My wife an I shared together I had never seen that look. I have learned a lot from this and how I want to make sure my Daughter sees what a man should be. I hope it insn't to late.
Thank you for sharing, Through Husband's Eyes. My heart goes out to all of you.
Jane, this article is amazing, because i can totally relate to this. I always feel like i am not accepted by my father, when i don't do things like he wanted me to do. I grow up feeling like i am not enough. I fought for his love for years! I tried to earn his love by completely ignoring my true self. I even let him choose what i study at the university even though i have little interest in that area, because he clearly stated that he won't love me if i don't. It didn't work, i am still not enough for him to deserve his love. All of my life i tried to earn it but i couldn't.
My love life was pretty much the same. I always feel like i have to earn someone's love. Although my friends (and me when i can look at myself objectively) say i am beautiful, funny and very smart, i never chased by a guy my whole life! I was always the one who starts the relationship and i always choose guys who don't want to be with me for the long term. Some of them were extremely critical like my father. When you said ''let him chase you'' it felt so weird to me imagining someone chasing me. Because that never happened, i don't know how it feels.
Since my last relationship ended, i really make progress about this issue in my life. I started to go for new hobbies, started singing, yoga and writing. (By the way my father makes fun of my interest in yoga but who cares about him, i love it! 🙂 ) I started to see his pain and why he is treating me like this. I can't say i forgive him completely, i sometimes can't help feeling angry, but i hope i will someday. Working on it.
I don't know what real love looks like, but it shouldn't be that conditional, Jane. I am too old to believe in everything my father says to me. I read your blog and purchase your program and the things you overcome makes me feel positive about my future. I really want to create a new life full of love, and reading this make me feel like it is possible.
I'm so glad this resonated with you right where you are, Gizem. This one's a big one to overcome because it runs so deep! But here's to you keeping on with your yoga and everything else you choose because YOU enjoy it. We are ALL too old to believe in everything our fathers or anyone else expects us to still believe. I'm honored to be able to give you that positive hope through my programs and the blog. It is more than possible; you're beginning it right now! ♥
I lost my father recently, all his life I feel I never existed even when I was right there. I so longed to be daddy's little girl. He wasn't a bad guy just that he had no awareness of whatever he did was affecting me. Being emotionally unavailable is the most painful part of our story. He was a narcissist hypochondriac combo type. I miss him a lot but feel heart broken that he just went away without ever knowing the real me, my feelings, my world view, opinions, thoughts etc. as if I was a stranger to him just doing or living the daughter stuff , and it didn't bother him at all. He was a good provider, did great at his work etc, but over years I just never had that connection. I feel empty void vaccum emotionless soulless and have trust issues.
Oh I feel your pain, Anna. This is so hard. Write him a letter you don't send. Tell him about you - the you he never knew - through your words. This is for you, not for him.
This really resonates with me, Jane, and it's good to know I'm not the only one with "daddy issues" from reading the article and all these comments.
My dad adored me until I was about 7 years old. That's when my younger sister was born and suddenly all the attention went to her. My dad would even joke to me about it like "it's her turn, you're all grown up now" — who says this to a 7 year old child? Throughout my teenage years he wouldn't hesitate to call me names whenever I'd make a mistake, and I was basically the scapegoat of the family, with him in the lead. He'd continuously belittle me for my "failures" (not knowing what degree to go for in college, which is quite the norm), talk down on me and discourage me from taking action because I "wouldn't be able to achieve anything". He sometimes gets so brutal and even knows it, but he has never apologized. When we have a disagreement, he stops talking to me for days. The only time he told me he was proud of me was, sadly, when I came home with a scholarship. He initiated a hug, I asked him 'why' and I'll never forget what he said: "because now you're successful". I've recognized that my behavior towards men is to be almost completely closed off, suspicious, and avoidant. I'm basically hard wired to do that. And it's a struggle to this day to go out to the store even, and look at men in the eye — I would have to be conscious of it and try very hard to not be automatically dismissive.
I realized all of this last year in my first pseudo-relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy. To be honest, there hasn't been a pattern with me as he was the first one that I "let in" (loose meaning of let in, but he got closer than anyone else). So I cannot even say he was emotionally unavailable. But he would definitely do what my dad used to do and ignore me for days, weeks even, out of the blue, leaving me to wonder about what I did wrong, beating myself up over it. I would be devastated and chase him for any sort of validation. He'd give me crumbs in return and I accepted them. He'd make up excuses and I overlooked them. I still went back to him initiating contact. Happened about 3 times before I was so hurt that I decided to walk away. It didn't last very long at all (barely a month). Looking back, I definitely see my behavior as problematic and possibly emotionally unavailable on my part as well. I recall being so angry inside for not establishing boundaries with him and for forgiving his lies that I wouldn't talk to him in a normal way. My interactions with him were always laced with some sort of bitterness and protection.
Thank you for this. I'm glad that I've figured it out while I'm still in my 20s. I know I have a lot of work to do.
My father physically abused me from age 1 year old to 14 years old. He used the bible and religion to justify it in some sort of sick and twisted way. He was a violent and angry man who shouldn't have had children. I am 40 years old and have flashbacks nearly every day. I have been scared of men most of life. Especially white men. It's like I project my fathers behavior onto them and just avoid them. I've spent most of my life lonely and single. I hate my father so much. And on fathers day we act like never ever happened. and so does my mother. She never stopped him. My parents treated me like I wasn't important and didn't matter. Like I was a piece of garbage to be kicked around instead of the precious child that I was. I have found that I picked up where they left off and I treat myself like I don't matter and I don't give myself enough self love. It's like I picked up where they left off and started abusing myself. Children usually mimic their parents. What I am working on now is my relationship with myself - how I treat myself, talk to myself and love myself. I am in therapy and I know this is something I will have to make a conscience effort to do everyday. And I am also trying to quit projecting my fathers behavior onto all men. But I am scared of men and that is why I usually avoid them. I am afraid of making them angry
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Renee. Your story touched such a chord in me and I want to thank you for sharing. How I want to hold that little girl who was told such lies and paid such a price for the ignorance of such a man like this, and set her free! Listen to her. She's wise beyond her years. Take the focus off him and put it back on you. That little girl has so much to show you, so much to teach you, and oh how much she knows!
Be so proud of yourself for seeking help, for leaning to separate what is yours and what was never ever yours to carry. We have to learn to shake off everything that isn't our own and learn how to live in the grey when everything was so black and white. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be held, to be respected, to be loved for the beautiful woman you are. I'm honored you found your way here and I know you're going to find exactly what you're looking for.
This article was exactly what I needed today! After going through another beak up with an emotionally unavailable guy, and it being Father's Day.
I've always know I seek approval from male. And with my dad not being around when I was growing up I feel the need to chase that down. I've been aware of this being my problem for a while. So it's so great to know that there is hope. I can change the pattern. I feel so relieved and I'm so grateful to have read this! Thank you!
Thank you, Hope. I'm so glad it resonated with you! There is always, always hope!
I am 60 years old and never had a good relationship with a man. When I was 13 I found out my dad was having an affair at least an emotional affair. I froze up lost my friends,never had a boyfriend in high school.
I had sort of a boyfriend. But then when I was 28 I entered into a sexual relationship with a man who I eventually married because I asked him to marry me. The divorce was devastating. the marriage lasted only a year. Then I went from man to man.
I went for about six years without a boyfriend. I was on an antidepressant. And my folks were dying so family was United. then I tried to go off my antidepressant and I hooked up again in a bad relationship.
then a wonderful man came along who told me he wanted to love me and I could need him but he changed his mind. it was devastating. We only dated for about 6 weeks and then he emotionally left me but he didn't tell me in words just and actions.
I have been off my antidepressant for a year. I just started taking the supplement True Hope. today I am feeling pretty bad.
I grew up with a father that never told me he loved me or never hugged me. I've had my share of awful relationships leading to heart ache. I finally found true love with my amazing husband. Now that my mom passed I only have my dad. It is very hard still to respect him and accept what I read in this article. It hurts a lot and it hurts when I see him show affection to my brothers daughter. I guess I'm jealous.
I've had a difficult time my entire life due to Dad. Love him and miss him - the part that's fun and kind. But that didn't happen for long (age 16-18). He remarried and began new family when I was 19, 22 (respectively). I have two half siblings younger than my children. He wasn't the best dad looking back (had affair, divorced mom, hit mom, hit stepmom, divorced, threatened girlfriend) yet played comparisons to me as a parent while I raised mine. Today he treats his other children like he should have treated me and continually favors them and will never understand how responsible he is for my messed up life regarding any close relationships. It's not easy trying to keep up with his personality changes and differences in wanting and doing treating my like less than anyone else in his life. Used to be the special daughter (somewhat) but stepmom taught him to hate me the one he taught his back then values "to". Never ends. I don't know how. I'm now 58
This is an amazing article, and I really needed to see this! After my last (almost) relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, I too recognized that in order to feel worthy, I believed that I needed him to commit to me and love me back. So yes, I am part of the way there. How did you finally overcome this and release yourself from the pattern? Your story gives me hope, but I am uncertain how to proceed.
( I'm french, sorry for my bad english )
I really love your article, I really interested about relationships, and it's really obvious that the father/daughter relationship is really important for our future relationships
My dad used to gamble, and he use to pay some bills but my mom was really mad about that. And She act like she take care of everything.
And sometimes i really feel mad about him. I think that i don't attract the ambitious, directed man that I want but I'm stiĺl learninf about my relatoonship and feminity. I keep faith
This is such a well written piece. Thank you for sharing. I am also that little girl and I'm working on letting it go. 🙂
Dear Jane,
Thank you so very much for that post <3
You're very welcome, Hedvig. So glad it resonated with you!
This resonates so very true! My father was my absolute world. I was incredibly blessed to have an amazing incredibly empathetic man as my father, someone who was my best friend, my confidante, to be honest my everything. I worshipped the ground he walked on. He very sadly passed away of a heart attack when I was 20. That changed my world completely, my anchor, the one person in this world that loved me unconditionally was gone. Now I realize how truly fortunate I am to have seen the healthy relationship my parents had, to see what real love is and what real men are. In some ways this is good, and in some ways it has also broken me. I have accepted so much less from men; nothing short of being walked over. But to be honest every time I go on a date with a new guy I am secretly hoping that I will see a snippet of my father's personality in them. As weird as that sounds, I just want to find someone who I could love as unconditionally as I did my father, because I still have all that love in my heart and sometimes its enough to destroy me. When I realize all I have to give as a person is really nothing in the eyes of modern men, you are a commodity to be traded and screwed around with. There is no interest in actually getting to know the person, its all about one thing. Makes me seriously doubt I will ever consider anyone good enough, I don't particularly want to be treated like shit by men, I think I am better off alone.
Jane,
Thank you, thank you for posting this wonderful article. I am the oldest of 4 with a good, hard working dad but I always have felt (and even still at she 46) an emptiness and longing in my heart for my dad. My father went through major depressions during my teens and 20's and attempted suicide twice. My mom did the best she could - obviously this was extremely difficult for her - but never addressed how this affected us as his children. She still maintains to this day his strong she was through this and how hard it was for her. Anyways, it has only been recently that I started putting together my history and common paths that I have taken with past boyfriends and my husband and now see the connection there. If there are any additional books or resources that you or your readers could recommend I would greatly appreciate it. Again, thank you.
I've never understood why my dad was how he was but reading that gives me a clear insight of whu childhood and my current situation is how it is.
I am a daddy's girl I am proud of my dad and if anyone says something bad about him I defend him in a instant. I've never had a close bond with my mum,I hold a lot of anger and hurt for her. I grew up from the age of 5 with my nan and grandad (dads parents) my sister stayed with my mum and they moved to a different city. I had the most amazing childhood thanks to my grandparents but I was always missing something. My dad was in and out of my life constantly he would come and see me and I'd sit on his knee for the whole time he was there just looking at him,then he'd leave and it could be another month till he came again. He had numerous of girlfriends in that time and concequently more children. When i was 11 and he rang me up and asked me if I wanted to have a little baby sister that i was so excited and I couldn't wait.
When she was born my nan took me to see her and I remember my dad being so soft and making sure I didn't get to close etc then he said we should go. I loved being a big sister (I didn't have anything to do with any off my others) id beg my dad to let me come to his house and sleep making promises and trying to bargain with him.in the end I was aloud to spend the night, my dads 'fiancé' was there and was only young,she kept telling me to sit down stop looking at her don't do that don't do this I got upset and told my dad I was sad and why, he told me to go grab my night bag and he took me back to my nans without warning or anything I was angry and hurt I was only being happy! I remember crying and my nan saying I wasn't in the wrong etc. I wasn't aloud to my dads house after that.
When i started secondary school I met new friends, I'd always been a very polite and cos my grandparents brought me up i was old fashioned in some of my ways. In my first few month in big school I changed into a disruptive,horrible,rude girl. I was rude and said some horrible things to grandparents I blamed them for my dad not wanting me. My nan didn't give up and spent hours trying to talk to me and understand why I suddenly changed but I didn't no and I feel guilty and discusted in myself now but I made my nan cry. She couldn't get what'd happened. No one thought it was anything to do with my dad, it wasn't until a parents evening and my dad had said he would come and I was so happy,he didn't turn up so my loyal nan came and she spoke to al my teachers and they all said how good my education was,there only concern was my attitude towards all the male teachers I was rude and disrespectful towards them without any reason, a teacher asked about my dad and why he wasn't there and I rememeber getting angry and upset and saying cos he doesn't care about me anymore and storming off.
After that day my nan tried to assure me he did care etv, but I couldn't believe her cos he wasn't saying it and she asked him many of times to come and she explained the situation his response was I'm doing it for attention and he isn't giving it me when I start behaving he will come see me. I went onto self destruct from age of 12 to 15I told lies I purposely made others sad I was a nasty vindictive girl I never was violent I learnt that all I needed was my tongue to make someone sad.
I started seeing a 20 year old being sexual active at 14 with him, drinking on parks not coming home causing worry. One night my dad picked me up because he had been phoned by someone to collect me I was drunk,soon as I got in the car I cried and I had got some attention! Even though he was shouting at me it was something. I told him I loved him and missed him and tried best I could explain why but he wouldn't accept that and dropped me bk home and went bk.
after then I gave up trying to get his attention, I still craved it more than anything but when he would visit id stay in my room , I'd spend time righting how I felt about my dad on my computer it stopped me getting mad.. I never wanted him to see them they was private. When I was 16 my dad sat in my room and promised me that he will always be my dad and love me etc but he couldnt give me what I needed. Some how he read a few off the letters I'd written in the past about being hurt sad etc and he was trying to say sorry and explain he couldn't give me what I needed because he didn't no how, my sister was his 1st oppertunity to be hands on. He explained he felt guilty for not visiting much but he thought it was rght thing to do etc. I forgave him and all the loniness I'd ever felt I forgot in a second.
When I had my 1st daughter I was with a lovely lad the sort u could rely on and wouldn't hurt ya. We had our daughter and when she was 3 months old I left him without explanation to him or myself .
I met. Within 2months a lad that I was instantly drawn to, he was cocky and had a reputation for fighting
We got together and wasn't ever meant to be more than a fling, but we both fell in love with each other he had the hard man rep but he showed me he cared for me and my daughter and I felt safe with him. We moved in together after few months no one in my family approved my dad was furious with me but I was probing them all wrong regardless of what happened.
Within a month of living together a lot changed, I would be so eager and happy to make sure he was happy and I'd make it my mission to get him everything he needed without being asked I made tea every night, worked 5 days a week and cared for my daughter while he went to see his mates or sat at home. I didn't once moan I needed to do it all because if I made him see that he didn't just want me he needed me to be with him i knew I wouldn't loose him, I'm not sure if I loved him either. I got pregnant with our youngest and when I was 4 months gone social services appeared
He was a known crimnal he had been to jail numerous of times for fighting they explained they had serious concerns he was abusing me and they threated to take my child that same hour if I didn't accept what they had planed for me. I was petrified social services had NEVER been to my house ever and now I was being told if I didn't do something they'd take my girl then and there. I did exactly what they said I packed 2 bags of stuff we. Needed for few days for me and my little girl, got in the car with them and went to bnb where I was told to stay until after the weekend cos it was Friday this point I wasn't aloud to tell anyone where I was and If I contacted my partner thyd have to take my girl. My head was a mess, I' didn't understand what had just happened my boyfriend got home to a empty house and no idea of any off it.. He bombared me with calls and texts and o finally gave in and answered. I told h everything and he reasured me it'd be okay and I believed him. Withem 6months of that 1st encounter it got worse I was so naive and scared I didn't question at first what they said I had to do, theyd moved me and my daughter to a refuge in a seculded place I had enough after 6 months is always kept in regular touch with my boyfriend we met up every time my girl went to her dads,we had to be secreative and it was horrible lying and for what.. Eventually I gave birth and they took my newborn baby from me and then wouldn't let me pick eldest up from her dads as arranged. I knew that their involment was worse they'd caught me lying they found out id not stopped speaking to my partner as id promised they was taking actions to prevent the risk of my children being exposed to possible emotional violence. They used all my past against me, my boyfriends whole history was torn to pieces he was made to be the the son of satun. But we stood our ground together and for 2 years we fought for the girls and in the end it was found there wasnt significant grounds for a order to be made, the possibility of being exposed to anything wasn't backed up, we showed tge courts and every one else who would listen who we really were.social services had to admit they was wrong in how it started they should've worked with us a couple and they gave me false information the 1at day they came out. I no now they didn't have any right to do anything with my child. They' were only able to offer me a chance to leave then and there and if I didn't want to they couldn't so anything. 2 workers and area manager where put under investigation for how my case was handled and they where all suspended for not following the legal right and insuring they updated me and others involled of anything significant and thru failed to offer me advice or support and never once questioned or spoke to my boyfriend about his newborn daughter or about what was happening. They failed in there jobs and caused me so much hurt and confusion to my girls
What I'm trying to say is, I grew up needed my dad to notice me and reasure me he cared and loved me, the second I got that I could be happy and have a future. I choose my partner cos he resembled everything I saw my dad as ,a strong,proud,protective and well known and I knew if I wanted it to work it would work and it did. I found my peace with my dad and I found a forever lasting feeling of acceptance by myself cos I deserve what I have my dad helped me become strong and taught me never give in from being young without even knowing he had. I thank him now and I couldn't be happier I have self worth self control and self happiness and a bludie amazing little family and my partner is someone different working and doesn't drink and only place he often goes is the local park with the girls..
The past experiences people have arnt often good but without them you wouldn't be as strong to deal with any on future.
Sorry for lunch and the detailedness but it feels amazing to put it all on paper from day one to now and it be my version my memories.
🙂 but a father and daughters bond/no bond is what forms her future
I have been struggling with forgiving my father for the past year. In my youth, although I worked so hard to impress everyone, he was always too consumed in his career and ambitions to have any time for me. I was in my 20s before he said he loved me. After college, and before we could have any sort of a relationship, he married a woman who isolated him from his kids and his own family (brothers & sisters). He attacked me constantly with ways I wasn't doing what my new stepmother expected. I had to cut off ties because it was so negative. This woman died a few years ago and he has since remarried. He claims he wants a relationship but not much has changed since when I was a child--his busy schedule of traveling with his new wife leaves little time for me or my son.
I haven't had a truly gratifying relationship with a man my entire life. I've always chosen distant men. I am so empty and unmotivated and feel that my own feelings of lack of worth are at the root of it.
I've tried for the past year--through counseling, confrontation and various other methods--to forgive and forget but I am so stuck.
Everything you said makes sense, but how do I move from these feelings of sadness and grief over what I will never have, to something more positive.
I have so many unresolved feelings I can barely talk to my father. And I have done years of counseling. Do you have any advice to those who need help getting to forgiveness, or at least moving on? I'm 45 and feel this backlog of emotions is hurting my entire life. I could grieve and grieve for what I didn't get. When does it get better. What can I do to make it better? Help?!?!?
<3
Hi all,
I hope that you can help me, help my ex, who i fear has not dealt with the relationship issues with her father. She has told me that her father always promised to do things for her, or buy her something and never did it. I also know that he was emotionally abusive to her mom and that when she was 9 she told her mom, "let's just leave him and be on our own" . Which is what happened and so he didn't play much of a role in her life and which put them into pretty severe poverty.
She has obviously put up a wall of protection for herself and when she gets upset stops talking sometimes for a week at a time, hasn't shown any real attachment to previous boyfriends and is very shy. And this is with her close family as well, mother/brother. She also demonstrates some passive/aggressive behaviour and is quick to go to calling names and blaming.
I love this woman with all of my heart and have done everything in my power to help her and had watched her slowly opening up to me. We were in a great place in our relationship, with trust and shared respect. She is from a very modest background in Colombia, where we both live and so also carries a certain latin stigma about pride.
Perhaps I shouldn't have done so, but I bought her a lot of gifts, things that would allow her to do shared passions like bicycling with me. I have also paid for her college tuition and expenses, which for me is not a lot of money, but for a Colombian of modest means is significant. When I did that I made it clear that it was a loan and that she could pay me back when she was finished with school, although in reality I didn't have any desire for her to do so, I just didn't want her to feel beholden.
When we broke up recently she became aggressive and it made me very angry and hurt. I wish that I would have taken a step back and realized what was going on, but regrettably I acted from emotion, escalating the fight.
To make a long story short, I was hurt and asked for the bike back because she doesn't use it and wanted to sell it to buy a scooter, which I ended up buying for her so that we could still use the bike together in the future. I also mentioned that she could pay me back for the loan when she had a job.
Needless to say I made her very upset with these requests and she said that no one has ever made her feel so humiliated in her life, not even ex boyfriends that had no money. She also said that I was acting just like her dad and she didn't need that in her life, someone who puts money ahead of her. Obviously there is a factor of pride at work here and I also feel a lot of humiliation, because I never intended anything more than to help her out of love and respect, not control.
To make matters worse she then went into her state of no communication and I didn't know what to do. I apologized and tried to explain my behaviour over a couple of weeks and expressed that I need to learn to react differently when in an emotional state. I also told her that I thought she needed to get some help in our last "conversation:, which of course made her furious and at which time she cut off all lines of communication.
I understand that I committed some grave errors and that I probably won't have a chance even to be this woman's friend in the future, but I so want to understand and to help her if I can.
Thank you sincerely for considering this complicated situation and for any feedback you might have.
Hi, Weston. Me llegó tu historia. Yo también soy colombiana y de algún modo comprendo ahora lo que sucede en tu caso.
You can only be there. You sadly cannot fight her battles for her. I know you wish you could do more, but she has to see things and understand them for herself. All you can do is explain to her how you feel and what you see, but you have no control over how she understands it and how she reacts to you. If you feel you can be there, be there, but remember you have to love yourself first and do what is best for your mental and emotional health. You cannot let yourself be broken into a million pieces just in the name of "love". Love doesn't hurt. I know coming from our country how we see love and how we have been brought up to believe we have to self sacrifice to love or show others how much they mean to us. But it is really detrimental and it doesn't get us far in life. Please take care of yourself a lot and if it comes to this, love her from afar. You have to take inventory of what is yours and give others back what is not for you to carry. I hope you have the clarity and strength to do the best for yourself and it is to be, she'll realize what she's doing and how much she's hurting herself by not looking inside herself.
Un abrazo muy fuerte.
Angel,
Muchas gracias por su respuesta, lo se que necesito mantener mi distancia de ella, por los dos. Ojala que si ella va a investigar que habia pasado con respeto de todo.
Un abrazo buen necesitado
I have seen those with wonderful father-daughter relationships struggle with terrible romances just as much as those with awful childhood memories. If we stop blaming him then it may be a chance to turn patterns around for the better.
Exactly, Jackie! Accepting them for who they are, and remembering they did the best they could with what they knew at the time heals us more than we know.
Well my father was abusive to me....so now I know why I only attract this sort of man. The ones who only want to use and abuse me. I am a very genuine and kind person, but this does not matter to any guy I date...just makes me more vulnerable.
I'm 20, my parents decided to divorce when I was 15 and I'm an only child. My father has never told me he loves me, or that he is proud of me. The only time he's hugged me since I was 5 years old was when my ex boyfriend was in a coma and even that was a quick one. From home videos I can see that he was a good father until I started primary school. Other than those old videos I have no memories of him being affectionate past that age. I have never received any praise whatsoever, when passing all my GCSE's with a lot of high grades including four A+'s, he just questioned why there were a few C's and B's, why weren't they all A+'s? I've been at university for two years and he hasn't asked me once how my studies are going. I'd be surprised if he even remembers what degree I'm paying £9000 a year for, considering once he called me from work to ask what I was studying at A Level because his co-workers had asked, they were more interested than my own father. There are also horrible instances such as when I was 12 years old and crying my eyes out after being rejected by my maternal grandmother due to a very dark family drama, he told me to get over it, that it was my own fault for getting involved and just shouted at me. I was inconsolable and he just shouted at me. So because of things like that, I dread to think what would happen if I told him how crap he makes me feel. I wish there was a cure for severe daddy issues! Like the post above, I too treat my father's approval like gold and I've never had it. He actually hung up on me a few weeks ago because I asked the most simple favour and he couldn't be bothered and got angry. He then ignored me for days. I also told him the other week that I had exams coming up and instead of 'good luck' I got 'enjoy'. This post has confirmed my fears that he is the reason behind my promiscuity and failed relationships. I don't seem to be capable of changing my thinking patterns I can't snap out of it!
Hi Jane. This article really hit home for me.
I grew up in a Nigerian household as a product of Nigerian parents. In my parents' culture, they do not show affection at all. There are specific gender roles that each must follow. Despite my patents being married, my mother was the breadwinner throughout the duration of the marriage. My father was emotionally unavailable.
I was very overweight as a child and food was a great comfort. I ate and ate and gained weight because of it. I lost 90 lbs almost two years ago and I feel so good because of it. When I was overweight, my father would make comments such as "well look at how you're eating, you're getting so fat" or "why don't you slow down and stop eating like a pig, you have no self control". I remember my brother sticking up for me once asking him why did he say that to me and it went haywire afterwards. I developed a complex about eating in front of people as a result of it because I had a lot of comments that were made towards me because of my weight and I'm struggling with eating at the moment for a huge fear of becoming fat again and having people treat me badly because of it.
At home, it seemed like my father never really cared to know anything about me. After losing weight in November of 2013 after two long years of hard work, he treated me better and is much nicer to me. He doesn't know anything about my personal life nor does he know I was molested by my brother twice (I forgave him) and almost raped when I was 15 years old. I always felt as if because my mother was working all the time that it was so hard to talk to her about anything and we are pretty close now.
I'm turning 21 in August and I've never had a relationship despite not being a virgin. I noticed that the sexual relationships that I had with the two men was a way of me looking for some sort of closeness from a man. A hug or a kiss, something I can recall my father never willingly giving me and I understand that a lot of it has to do with the culture, but his unavailability has really affected me. He has bought me gifts with my mother's money of course but I couldn't remember him saying "I love you" or a hug or wanting to spend time with me or asking me what's going on in my life. He tries to buy my love with material items and it fails because I don't want the items I just want his reassurance and his love.
I've noticed that I'm needy, I'm emotionally fragile, I'm reserved and I love my solitude. I'm uncomfortable around men because I've been teased for my looks growing up and I have yet to let it go when you've always been reminded that you are ugly. I also realize another reason I had those sexual relationships was because it felt nice to have a man show his attraction to you and call you beautiful, something I rarely ever heard. I understand I'm messed up and I want to be better but it's so hard to shake and it really hurt me to hear my dad say cruel things to me during the time that I was going through all of this. I've been depressed before and while I was overweight, I ate a lot but after weight loss I'd go without drinking water or eating resulting in me fainting. I've always faced rejection from men. I've always been afraid to ask them for things. I've always wanted the love of a man so desperately and nothing worked. I understand I'm still young and it's so prevalent with my black female counterparts. It's a nasty cycle...that I wish would end and I plan on doing so with the man I marry and decide having children with.
I love my dad I've always held him to a high regard but I've always resented his passive aggressive ways, his lack of ambition and his emotional unavailable ways. What should I do?
Thank you for answering.
Dear Lara,
Your story moved me so much. I'm really sorry you've been hurt this way. Even though my past is not the same as yours, I understand the pain of not having your dad's approval and emotional closeness, the being called ugly and the cruel things being said to you and last but not least, the rejection of men.
Please know that you are stronger than this. Please know that you'll leave this behind. Have you reached out to someone that can give you the help you need in untangling your beautiful self? There's so much you can do, Lara. Little by little, trust that you have the magic and power inside you to realize you can have everything you ever dream of. Know that your worth is intact regardless of what has happened to you or what others tell you. You're an amazing woman who can go far in life. Your youth is a gift, your sensitivity is a gift. Take care of your own needs first. You need your own love. I cannot imagine how tough this all must be for you, but you can do this. I'm glad you found this blog. You're not alone here. Please know that in spirit, we're here with you and you're being blessed and watched over.
You have the precious heart of forgiving, you have a big amount of power.
Hugging you from here. God bless you.
Angel thank you so much. I was able to reach out to someone, an older man who has taken an interest in me. He has given me very good advice and he has taught me a lot that I do appreciate honestly. I notice that he is able to fulfill most that father has not and I'm grateful because I was very lost up until meeting him. I always felt unworthy of a man's love. I didn't love myself and I allowed myself to be treated badly. Although I now see the beauty in myself, it took a very long time for that to happen. I did not believe I was beautiful at all. The residual effects of what happened in my childhood is still there and I am yet unable to shake it all off but I can see a bit of it going away slowly by slowly. Thanks for your concern.
Im 24 this year and I met my father for the first time when I was 17 in high school. Never had any type of relationship with him, knew nothing about him but his name. I didnt even remember what he looked like. Since my first relationship I would say I met some good guys but didnt make me feel loved really. Either they wasnt supportive, belittling, inconsiderate or just mean. Im a very emotional and passionate person and I never felt truly cared for and genuinely loved by a man. Guys gave me attention and time but when it came down to commitment or choosing me and only me.. Horrible luck. Im currently in a relationship with someone who we both hurt one another and were giving it another shot because of the love we have for each other. But Im nervous at the fact of allowing him the opportunity to hurt me again.. By the way, the relationship with my father lasted for 2 or 3 weeks maybe. It ended from him changing his number or phone was cut off to never hearing from him.. Even by him knowing where I lived. Anyway, it there any hope for me to be happy with a man if im not happy with my father?
oh there is, Netty. So much hope! My heart goes out to you, that you have a father who is simply incapable of having a relationship with his daughter. This is all about him and not about you, Netty. There is nothing you can do to change him, it is he who has to find it somewhere, somehow within himself to change this for himself. But for you, by being aware of what he can and can't give you, by recognizing that you may be triggered by men who aren't capable of giving you the kind of love you so deserve, you will have your eyes wide open to see this before you give your heart away to someone who can't give you their own in return. Take any relationship slow, very slow. You can't know if someone is truly worthy of you unless you slow things down enough to really get to know him well. And if he's looking for the same thing you are, he'll understand that you want to slow things down because he'll know that anything worth something is worth taking the time to find out. He'll respect you more for this. Don't take on anything that isn't yours. You are enough just because you're you.
Jane,
this article is perfect for my situation and I am well aware of it but have absolutely no idea how to break the pattern. My father was around until my parents got divorced when I was six but I don't have any memories of him being around. We stayed in touch barely, I had to make an effort to see him and he never gave me the feeling he really enjoyed spending time with me or loving me. We disconnected when I was 18 and I started having serious mental problems. I started getting involved and totally fall in love with men who just saw me as a pretty and fun woman. I am well educated, have a fulfilling job, good friends and moved to the CA from Germany four years ago to start fresh. I had very painful 'relationship" and was never loved by a man in my life until now (I am 35 now). I have seen a therapist when I was 24 for about 4 years because I was about to commit suicide. I got into an affair once started my new life in CA and didn't get out for 1,5 years (he was married - long distance) and I started therapy again after this ended because I was totally lost and almost gave up hope. I got on medication and was diagnosed with depression and have seen a therapist for over a year. I became so much happier because I learned to self value myself and understood all my father issues and this tremendous lack of love from a man in my life. I didn't date for 1,5 years consciously until I felt i needed to get myself out there. I wanted love, I wanted a healthy relationship, promised myself to value myself and not get into a non mutual relationship anymore. I am a good looking, well-educated woman, very fit and leading a mostly happy life being aware of my challenges and very self reflected. I think I love myself but I am very hard on myself and my best friend thinks I worked very hard and made it far but I still don't love myself...
I met a man this summer, 15 years older with 2 kids (divorced for 10 years) and I was sceptical and scared as hell. But he was there, he treated me so well unlike any other men ever before. He knew about my depression, he said he missed me, he wanted to spent time with me, he introduced me to his children, we shared great outdoor adventures (we both are very athletic and active) and he introduced me to an amazing art world and made me leave my comfort zone with his creative mind. I felt so great and enjoyed every minute of my life again because he was so good to me and I was just myself! I had energy at work, was so optimistic. But then I started feeling for him, enjoying the time with him and showing him...and it all went downhill again...he pushed back, used his costudy fight with his ex and having the kids more as an excuse for pushing back and being "stressed". He said I was going to fast for him, he wasn't ready to commit or a relationship and we agreed to slow down ( I really wanted it since I felt he was right, after all I have been through and given the situation that he was older and had two kids and I also wanted to make sure I was ready for it...). A week later a barely heard from him and decided to give him his space. I wanted to be with this man and his kids, I wanted to give it a try because he was so good to me, for me and I had such wonderful times with him.
Then I received a TEXT that he can't be in an emotional relationship with me because he would only see me as a friend and he never intended to go any further but we did and he sees me as a great friend but nothing more. He doesn't want to hurt me, protect my heart... I was and am devastated! He already moved on the same week to see a new woman and we never spoke in person. Just over text and over phone once for a few minutes. He was so wonderful to me and he is such a wonderful father to his children.
I am so hurt and disappointed because he seemed so different but once again I was attractive and fun to be with but as soon as I have emotions or emotional needs, I get dumped and I can't do anything. I have to accept and move on. It is killing me and I don't know how to foresee the pattern and break it. I know I can't force love but I really don't know how to carry all this baggage and lack of love further along. I miss his children, I miss him and this showed me I do want a family...
I just don't know what to do and what I constantly seem to do wrong, even though they also say "you did not do anything wrong" but can't fall in love with me.
"but as soon as I have emotions or emotional needs, I get dumped and I can't do anything. I have to accept and move on. It is killing me and I don't know how to foresee the pattern and break it." - Only with someone who can't handle emotions or emotional needs, Valerie. It's not you, it's not your fault and it's not the complicated reasons we give it that leaves us feeling like we're never enough or always too much. No matter how far we think we've come, it's in our relationships that we take our patterns, our programming, ourselves on the road and see what we can only see when we're with someone who can show us in a way that makes it real. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, you don't have to do anything or change anything to be lovable.
I know it's so painful, so heartbreaking to go through, but it's saving you from someone you could never be happy with in the long run who isn't capable of giving you what you need to be truly happy. It's an illusion we fall into, believing this one's different when it seems like it is so different. But once you know, you can allow yourself to slowly see that this isn't about you, it's not about you not being "enough" of "too much"; it's about him not being on the same page as you.
Take it slower, let someone show you slowly the reality of who they are and what they can offer. I don't know him and I don't know you, but I do know that when we're with someone who's on the same page, we find out over time, focused on the reality of who they are and not who they appear to be and there's unfortunately no substitute for that other than time.
Feel your feelings, allow yourself to feel the hurt, the pain, the rawness of whatever comes up for you. You deserve so much more than what he could give you!
I swear this truly was meant for me, I feel like this story was telling me what I kept wondering, questioning & kept in a sense "lying" to myself about my relationships. I've come to a cross road in my 6 year relationship with my boyfriend, there's a lot to think about but he's not meant for me and after years of heartache it's time to let go.
So glad this resonated with you, Julie. It's such a familiar place, this "lying" to ourselves that we do, but in our heart of hearts we always know the truth once we're ready to see it.
I know this article is so true and I've had to "really" face this after 3 failed relationships I've had after my divorce from 18 years ago. But my question is how to replace the (even subconscious) need to replace my yearnings for a dad relationship/acceptance in "some" way. (whether it was emotionally or a relationship I thought would help bridge me back to knowing my dad)? I just don't (I really don't) know what I want for myself in a relationship otherwise. And yes, I'm 58; it doesn't just get old, go to the past and stop......
Hi Jane,
I just saw this and totally hit me. I didnt feel loved by my dad as a child and it always bothered me. I left him when I was 18 and a year later fellI in love with an emotionally unavailable man and remained in love with him for 9 years, hoping he loves me one day. I finally got over him last year through therapy and realized the similarities. However a few months later I met another emotionally unavailable man and even though I was more aware of myself but still was not sure what I really wanted so I just went with it being casual with him. I tried to end it with him a few times but just couldn't go though with it. I saw my dad after 9 years last month and spent a week with him. That was when I felt his love towards me and it truly was one of the best weeks of life. I finally ended my casual relationship with this guy last week and as though as it was I did it and when I read this, I realized how seeing my dad and feeling loved by him helped me realize my worth and gave me the courage to end pusuing the man who did not want me.
Thank you for sharing this article.
And thank you for sharing your story, Roya! I'm never surprised to hear what the power of feeling loved by our dads can do, but it's a beautiful thing when you can see this for yourself as you have here, and make the connection to your own life and relationships. So glad you enjoyed reading this!
Thank you this email Jane! It was a major eye opener.... I have always been attracted to the same kind of guy, and now it all makes sense. I am presently..well I can say WAS just waiting for an ex bf that ive been off and on seeing to "see if he's ready to commit to me/love me" because hes admitted that he knows im "the one" but is scared to go all in.... and I cant and wont wait around any longer for his answer. Im so tired of the back and forth with him... Ive given him everything I have to offer, and now my offer is off the table. I know my worth, and i deserve way more than this! Ive recently read a quote that has really stuck with me: "You don't have to chase what wants to stay". AMEN! lol
Thanks again, i love getting your emails! 🙂
""You don't have to chase what wants to stay" - Exactly, Samantha! I'm so glad you're seeing this so clearly. And thank you for your kind words; I'm glad you enjoyed this one! 🙂
Thanks for the links Jane! I've checked them out-as well as several other of your posts. It's so wonderful having this safe place where we can all come as our (confused) selves and having you help and guide us along the way to finding true love. Thanks again Jane!
Sometimes just knowing we're not alone makes all the difference, Tina. I'm so glad you're finding that safe place here! It's exactly what I've intended it to be as we come to new ways of seeing and being and discovering new truths for ourselves. You're so very welcome, Tina.
How do you find the right guy when your father has sexually abused you all your childhood and tried to rape you? I feel totally lost when it comes to men.
How my heart goes out to you, M. No words can quite describe what you have gone through, and how much much this must have affected you. Of course you feel lost when it comes to men. How could you not? If you haven't already, find someone who's professionally trained in this area of incest and abuse that you can talk to, to get the support you need to heal from this and to help you to see how this has affected the world you see and what you can do to change this. Know that this was not about you or anything you could have done to prevent this from happening, it was about him and some very deep issues that he needed help for himself. There are no excuses for why this happens and I'm so very sorry for what you've been through and what was taken away from you.
Your Father has violated and betrayed your trust in men by taking away your innocence and the belief that fathers are "good people"who will be there for their families and provide good role modelling. In your case this has not happened and your father has taken away this trust and belief that men are "good"I pray you will find healing and the love and support required to regain trust in men
This is why trauma therapies like EMDR can be so vital for healing these deep kinds of hurts that can replay over and over again
MY FATHER PASSED AWAY WHEN I WAS FIVE BUT I HARDLY KNEW HIM BUT BELIEVE HE WAS A GOOD MAN.HE WAS A BUILDER. RECENTLY I HAD AN EXPERIENCE WITH A BUILDER THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE FOR COMMENT. I ENGAGED THE SERVICES OF A BUILDER TO WORK ON MY UNIT. THE BUILDER WAS TRYING TO GET CLOSE TO ME BY WAY OF BRINGING FLOWERS INVITING ME TO LUNCH TWICE BEING AFFECTIONATE AND RINGING REGULARLY AND MAKING A LOT OF FLATTERING COMMENTS AND BEING VERY COMPLIMENTARY. HE SENT A TEXT SAYING JUST A QUICK HELLO AND I RESPONDED SAYING TO HIM HOW I HAD SPENT TIME WITH MY FAMILY IN THE MOUNTAINS AND HOW MY FAMILY ARE NUMBER ONE ETC AND SIGNED OFF SAYING WARM REGARDS AS ALWAYS. I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN BUT HE WAS TRYING TO GET CLOSE TO ME THEN HE JUST LEFY WITH NO WARNING. COMMENTS AND THOUGHTS PLEASE DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG OR SAY SOMETHING WRONG
You found out where he was really at, Leonie, by sharing details of your life and letting him know your priorities are your family. It sounds like this wasn't compatible with where he's at and the page he's on and that may be why you haven't heard from him again. That's why being ourselves - our real selves - and not just presenting a "package" that we think someone is looking for is the most important way to separate the ones you want in your life and the ones you don't. It's how you know.
If you want to do something different next time, change it for yourself so that what you say aligns with what you want and what your priorities are, but don't second-guess yourself for being true to your own values and priorities. You can't say or do something "wrong" with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants what you want and wants to get to know you better to find out if you're compatible. If there was a misunderstanding or something else, and he still wants to get to know you better, he'll make sure you know.
For me, I grew up with both parents, but I had 2 incests. 1 was an elder brother and the other my Dad. Then years later I was raped twice. I have suffered emotionally and mentally for years until now. My dad is deceased a little over a year now. This will be my 2nd fathers day without him. I have mixed emotions as I no longer have a dad to take care of and do things for on Fathers Day. Every time I try to have a relationship that last and find true love, it end up failing after a few months. I am now 33, and a single mother of three children all different fathers that are never ther for their kids and a failed marriage. I sometimes want to blame my dad as I'm always looking for that emotional security n comfort but has never been able to find it. I know I really need psycological help, because I don't know how to deal with all these emotions. Every now and then I miss my dad even more and I cry for him. I feel empty, lost and alone most of the time, especially around this time. I place pictures and quotes on my whatsapp for my dad as a means of comfort.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Koralee. I'm sure you have mixed emotions; no matter what he did to you or what he couldn't have been for you, there is always the reality that he was your dad. Feel those feelings, let them all come up for you, then pour your heart out in writing the words that long to be written to release some of the pain and the confusion of what you've lived. Be proud of yourself for recognizing that this is beyond what anyone is meant to go through on their own, and make that professional help with someone who's trained in incest abuse a priority, Koralee. It's no wonder you've had so many difficult experiences around love and men, it's no wonder you're always looking for that emotional security that always seems to elude you because you have an example of love that isn't the way love is ever meant to be. It's never too late to start, Koralee. Start today by taking that action step to seek out someone to talk to, someone to support you on this journey, someone to help you heal from all that you've been through. There's no shame in getting that professional help and beginning anew. It's how a new beginning begins.
I am not sure I understood the role this plays in my life exactly.
I have an amazing father. In fact, I think my father was more of a mother than my own mother! The truth is, I feel that even know I have other people in my life, like my mom and grandparents, aunts and uncles, my father is the only person who would be there forever for me.
He has always been a caring man and he has taken care of me in every single way possible. Sometimes he was a bit overprotective. But anything I have achieved in my life, I have achieved because my father has supported me. Even when I do things he doesn't fully understand or agree with, he believes so much in me that he's willing to "put his money behind" me. He was a great husband to my mother when they were together and he was overly responsible. People love him, he's charismatic and well-mannered. He's also very persuasive, but not in a manipulative way, but in such a warm, caring way that he wins anyone over. He has never been the player type even though I think he could have been if he had wanted to.
I am not sure exactly how having such a good father would affect me in a way that gets me to feel attracted to men that have no interest in me whatsoever. I would understand if I had some issues because he was absent or because he was too hard to please or something, but actually he wasn't and isn't this kind of man.
Could it be that I am missing something?
I would love to read your thoughts, Jane.
Thank you in advance.
I would also like to hear thoughts to Angel's post. My dad was also very involved in my life while I was growing up (even after my parents divorce when I was 6.. They had shared custody) and still is. He has been there for me Through everything. My dad has always told me he loves me. He's a pretty quiet guy, he has never even yelled at me. But I am scared to death of disappointing him or letting him down (in whatever way… grades, jobs, relationships) he always tells me I can do better. But I ALWAYS go after emotionally unavailable men. I have even realized this myself and have talked about this with friends. I have not been in a real relationship for over 8 years. Every guy I like "doesn't want a relationship" or "isn't ready"… blah blah blah. And I believe I may be too passive by acting like it doesn't bother me to just be friends or just hook up. I don't know if my relationship with my dad has anything to do with this?? What are your thoughts?
Ever individual situation is unique, Chele, but I would take a closer look at why you are "scared to death of disappointing him or letting him down (in whatever way… grades, jobs, relationships) he always tells me I can do better." and also what is behind you "acting like it doesn't bother me to just be friends or just hook up." Those are the things that stood out for me from what you've written here. See what comes up for you. It's our blindspots that often reveal the most about why we behave - and choose men - the way we do.
(And you can see my response to Angel above. :))
Your father sounds wonderful, Angel; and how special a relationship you have with him that you feel so supported and loved for who you are! Thank you for sharing and adding your story to the conversation. Sometimes it can be a very subtle influence that we don't easily pick up on. It's interesting, though, that you say "your father was more of a mother than your own mother", as there may be a dynamic playing out for you where you are more influenced by the role your mother played - or her lack of one - than by your father. There's usually many other factors at play as well influencing who you're attracting and attracted to, so if your pattern is to attract men who have no interest in you whatsoever, try to look at what makes them attractive to you in the first place - and especially when you discover their lack of interest. This can be telling!
Thank you, Jane for your thoughts. I am now not sure but maybe it has to do with my mother. My mother was a very sweet, warm woman, but she was also different from other moms. She was not the kind of mom that sacrificed for her children, she would show sometimes a little bit of indifference towards how we chose to live our lives. She has two other daughters, my half-sisters and she never seemed to worry about them dating or disappearing on weekends to be with their boyfriends or someone else. She always acted like it was normal. Even though I know she loves me, my mother didn't go great lengths to discipline me or take care of me like my dad did. My father would get mad if he knew I hadn't eaten well, if I had had an accident on the street, he would worry endlessly if I was going out to a club with a couple friends even though I was never a party girl. My mother on the other hand was more: you haven't eaten? There's food in the fridge, cook what you want, since you don't like almost anything I make ( I was one of those kids that you had to force to eat, otherwise I would just eat candy the whole day). If I was going out, sometimes she wouldn't even ask where, instead she would say: have fun. My parents had a few problems because of this sort of thing. My father sort of criticed her for being so indifferent towards important things. He also thinks now that my mother never loved him, she was just there because it was convenient. He kind of feels like a victim and that I get from him sometimes. Whenever someone rejects me, like it usually happens with men, I tend to feel like I am worthless and I am a victim, even if I know on a conscious level that I am responsible for my feeling bad. I think maybe the men I have been attracted to seem good men like my father at first, but then they sort of act like they are not so sure they wan't something serious with me and start sending mixed signals or saying things like: I don't want things to get complicated if I meet someone else. I find myself resenting them, feeling like if they knew how I felt about them, if they were good men, they would have never kissed me or slept with me or led me on knowing they had no interest. I feel as though they had to take care of me and they didn't, like if it was their job. I absolutely know consciously that it is MY job to take care of ME. I dropped the ball with those men and let them take advantage or letting myself get hurt when all the red flags were saying: He is not that into you. Walk away. Sometimes I think I stick around because even though they say things things, they are so kind that maybe my subconscious is telling me to stick around because if they are so nice it means they like me, I just have to stick around longer for them to see how great I am, that could change their minds. Boy is that destructive or what!
I have not exactly been attracted to the explicitly bad boy; in fact, when I hear a man say sexist things or be so narrow minded towards women needs, being all super macho and all, I feel so turned off. I usually gravitate towards men that act like they are interested, that say nice things to me, that somehow find me physically attractive (I am 28 and still struggle with subconcious thoughts telling me I am not pretty, because I was bullied a lot as a kid, picked on and called ugly names,being mostly called "ugly" both by kids and some adults). These men act as if they were so interested in my thoughts, how I see things and everything because I know I am an interesting girl, small talk is not really my strong suit as I tend to talk about controversial issues, gender topics, spiritual topics, etc. But even though they say: you are so great, you are so special, they always end up acting like: I am not so sure I want you as a girlfriend. Sometimes I hear it in my head as if they said: look, you're very interesting, smart, talented and I have never met anyone like you, but I don't want things to get complicated if I meet someone else.
I am always so puzzled. If I am so great, why would you prefer someone else?
It is just so frustrating and sad.
Maybe it has something to do with my mother and the self-image issues that come from my childhood. I know consciously I am not ugly, but sometimes I feel ashamed on the street if my face is not made or my hair is not fully straight or my clothes make me look fat.
It feels as though there are amazing things in me but no one sees them, no matter how much I try to show them.
Because they're not the ones who are right for you, Angel. The ones who are meant to be in your life are the ones who see all the amazing things about you and appreciate them, and are drawn to you because of them, and want to be with you because of these exact same qualities that the other ones can't see and don't appreciate! Can you see that? It's how you know. Our role is never to convince others of why they should want to be with us or to show them how loveable we are, it's to be who we are and see who shows us, who stays and who wants to be with someone just like us. That's how we tell them apart. But the challenge is for us to see this difference between who we want in our lives and who we don't so that we stop chasing after the very ones who can't give us what we're looking for and have us second-guessing ourselves simply because we are choosing the very ones who we are not compatible with in all the ways that matter.
"If I am so great, why would you prefer someone else?" - because we're not compatible with those ones, Angel, not because there's ever anything wrong with you!
And yes, it may have much to do with your mother or the family dynamic itself from what you've described. Who was the one who cared so much what other people thought of you? Who was the one who taught you about what beauty was and who had the word "ugly" in their vocabulary? Who felt shame - and what triggered it for them? How was this passed onto you? Just some questions to think about, Angel. It sounds like you're onto something here.
Thank you, Jane. I see it now. I was projecting. I believed those lies I was told as a kid. I get it! I was a kid! I didn't know any better and my parents didn't know how to protect me because they themselves don't know any better either! It has somehow started to seem so clear! There is nothing wrong with me, I was just looking for approval from people that do not match me at all!
I had this clarity moment and I wanted to share it! I am not going to lie, I've cried buckets going through all this, but I see it now! It feels so great to know there's nothing wrong with me, it feels so great to know I don't need anyone because I have made it by myself emotionally speaking. I have a long way to go, but I am so relieved right now. I am so happy about these discoveries that I kinda feel like I am not interested in looking for a man anymore... I guess just got high on finding myself! I hope this feeling stays forever.
You're a God sent. Enormous hug to you!
That's exactly it, Angel. They didn't know any better! We receive so many "lies" about ourselves and others and the way love and life are simply because they don't know any better either. I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself! Put your words you've written here somewhere you can read them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. This new seeing takes practice, but once you see it, it's always there, no matter what happens on the surface, it's knowing this for yourself within you that is always what you can be confident of. Be so proud of yourself, Angel. Yes, there will be ups and down and moments of questioning just how far you've come, but it doesn't matter because it's all apart of our journey and our growth. You've got this!
Hi Jane,
thank you for an incredibly insightful post on the dynamics of the father/daughter relationship.
You said " Our role is never to convince others of why they should want to be with us or to show them how loveable we are, it's to be who we are and see who shows us, who stays and who wants to be with someone just like us." I totally get this but I guess my question is how does one truly know who they are? I know that may seem like an odd questiion, but it's just something I'm examining in my own life, as I think It's important for myself to know and to attract the right partner. My answers about myself seem to always change with the only constant being my character-is that enough?
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Tina, and I completely relate to that feeling of not knowing who one truly is. It took so long to separate who I was versus who I thought I was supposed to be and even longer to understand the difference! I wrote a post on how to stop trying to be something that you're not and another one on the first step of finding out who you are, that should help answer this. Let me know if you need more!
I see more now. I was focusing on my dad's good qualities and what's more: I made them more amazing in my head than they actually are. My dad is a good man, but I see clearly now where our relationship was lacking. There was no real intimacy and no acceptance of who I was. I wasn't even seen by him as a human being with her own likes and opinions. My dad always corrected everything and I understood that as there being something wrong with me. Little girl trying to get her father's approval... Which never came and never will.
Good to read my comments from a while back and seeing more clearly every time.
My dad died because of a war. I missed him since I was 12 years old, I am now 28.
Being a foreigner and missing a dad made me very deep inside, always like I was missing
A stable dad. Someone who cared or just loved me .
I miss him today. And I at 28 now first admit that I had sad days and bad mood.
Because I did not want to accept that my dad , did the best he could .
I did not want to deal with the emotions, or maybe I wasn't ready.
But now days I am dealing with it. I am going to my fathers country to visit the
Places where we were together. Where he thought me to ride a bike.
I can't wait to see it. I am going to do this, so I can make new positive memories.
I am writing in my journal about this. I let myself cry and write, pray.
I really miss him in this life.
i can share your feelings. my brother died out of drugs when i was 12 and it took me like 10 yrs to accept it and even now, 22 yrs later, it still makes me cry and feel sad if i think about it. we all have our fate and God decides when we have to go. we cannot understand everything and have to accept and pray. that's all we can do. i've got a wonderful son, and took him as a present that my brother- as an angel- would send to me. i'm sure your father is with you and will also send you a beautiful gift to bring happiness into your life. take care
oh Madina, how tragic. I'm so sorry for your loss. But how beautiful a way you've found to see him looking out for you and giving you such a beautiful gift in your son. Thank you for sharing this with us all.
I'm so sorry, Maris. This runs so deep. Of course you miss him, I can only imagine your loss. Making new positive memories like you are, visiting where he and you were together, is beautiful. Journaling, letting the tears flow and connecting with your spiritual side and what you believe in are such beautiful ways to process and heal and grieve our losses. Thank you for sharing this, Maris.
I would first like to thank you for your articles. They are great. I forward them to my girlfriends too! In response to the Father-Daughter article...this really hit home for me. Although I've been in counseling for awhile and already knew this information, to see it written down made it real for me. I knew that my first two divorces were because I had chosen men like my father...emotionally distant men that I chased. Go figure they didn't work out! I now know what I want from a relationship and just going with the flow. I'm tired of chasing. No More! Unfortunately, my father passed away almost 4 years ago now so I can't talk with him about this situation. But I never blamed him for my relationship errors and lessons. I knew he didn't have a healthy upbringing and I knew he gave what he could. I really wish I would have known this information before my first marriage but I've learned so much through my failed relationships. As long as we can learn from our mistakes, we never wasted our time! Thank you again for all of your informational articles!
You're so welcome, Michelle. I'm so glad this resonated with you. There's so many things we regret not knowing when we need it most, but for reasons we don't always understand when we're in it, it becomes a part of our journey in a different time and place when we are meant to see what we couldn't see before.
"As long as we can learn from our mistakes, we never wasted our time!" - Exactly!
I wish I could say that I had a father daughter relationship. It is a bond that I was not meant to have while on this earth. My father died when I was a baby. My family told me I was just learning to walk and would not let anyone help me until my dad got home from work in the evenings. The story was that when he suddenly died, I stopped walking altogether. The doctors informed my mother that although I was too young to retain what was happening at the time, I was definitely traumatized by it. Eventually I learned to walk but just before I turned four years old, my mother remarried a man and together they had a daughter. My half sister developed the bond that I still longed for. Fast forward 41 years and here I am living with the fear of abandonment. Seem to get tied up with men who are afraid of commitment or can't seem to fit me into their hectic schedules. I have been divorced twice and have had one serious relationship since my 2nd marriage failed. I have also spent a four years on my own, finding myself and seeking help to heal these recurring wounds. I have been in an exclusive long distance relationship for the last 6 months. It looks very promising but I just am so worried that I am going to screw this one up that I am almost to the point of leaving it before he does. I know this is not healthy but I don't know what else to do. He tells me "We got this" and to "chill out" or "relax". I am afraid if I don't he will be like the others and I will be alone again. Don't get me wrong, alone is not a bad thing as I have learned but I really am in love with this guy. I just fear I am getting in the way of allowing things to progress naturally. and will end up losing the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please Help!
I'm so sorry, Karen. I'm sure that must have been traumatic even if you weren't old enough to have it in your memory; we remember so much at a cellular level. Try to just be in the moment with this new man, Karen. Remind yourself that he's not anyone else, he's his own person and if he's with you and not giving you any reason to doubt him, then he wants to be with you; he wants this, too. It is difficult to trust that someone isn't going to repeat the patterns you've experienced in the past, but remember that you've grown, too, with the time you spent "on your own, finding yourself and seeking help to heal those recurring wounds." It's natural to feel the way you do, so if you can try to have a sense of humor about it - like, or here comes that old voice again telling me I need to worry - it may help diffuse it. Unless there's something really there that you're sensing and not just your fears from the past, then try to just observe the feelings as they come up without attaching yourself to them, and then remind them that you and he will decide how you feel about each other and not anything from the past. Have compassion for yourself here, too, Karen; some early traumas can cause us to have subconscious triggers that we don't even understand, so the fact that you have this knowledge of what happened with your dad and how it affected you, can bring the awareness of what you're dealing with in your adult relationships. And remember, you can't lose someone who is truly right for you. Let him be who he is and enjoy the present moment. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and is nothing to be feared!
This one is something I am struggling with. I have so much anger and resentment with my family. Now that Father's Day is approaching these feelings are coming up in waves. I currently attending 12 step meeting for Codependency and Love addiction, have a sponsor, and see a therapist. I need all of these tools and support to just deal with life daily. Last night I didn't have a meeting or anything and got really triggered. It's a horrible feeling. Anyhow, I completely agree that we gravitate towards people like our families. (we just don't know what else to expect). It has been a very long process for me to start to believe I deserve to be treated better. Slowly I have detached from friends, and now even I am not speaking with my family. It is such a painful process. Anyhow I am so glad that you wrote about Father's Day and their affect on our emotional selves. (And that you are giving us space to write back). I get very confused on how I am supposed to be around these holidays because although I rarely (once a year) talk to my father, we would get together as if nothing was wrong. I haven't seen my father since last fathers day. This pattern is why I get involved with such unavailable people. It's like the "norm" in my family to be very distant and have a pile of unresolved issues and act like everything is fine. My heart bleeds inside. My father has told me he doesn't know how to be my Father. There is such emotional confusion and entanglement that involves severe issues that I don't know how to proceed, or what I deserve. My father is on the sex offender's list. He is not putting any real effort to be there for me. He would try but I was so emotionally overwhelmed due to being homeless he couldn't handle me. I am a bright person, now I have an MA degree. But there has been a long history of emotional confusion distance and lack of support/nurturing. I get very triggered into anger and resentment, I just don't know how to begin the process of forgiveness and letting go. My family views me as the "problem child" but in reality I was being abused. They deny the abuse since it was behind closed doors. Luckily I found these support groups, but it is a painfully and disappointing process. At least now I am just angry and not depressed. UGh :/
I feel your pain, Kylie. I know it took a lot to share your story, and I hope you were able to feel some release from putting it in writing. I'm glad you've found the help and support to get you through this and find your way through your pain. It's no small thing to be able to rise above where you've come from and make a life for yourself like you have. Feel that strength; that's you. Even when your heart bleeds, there's healing there in the release of what it cannot contain without its painful expression.
It's understandable you don't where to being with forgiving and letting go. Think baby steps. From being depressed where the damage can't be seen and dealt with, to the expression of anger where now it's out in the open and can be recognized for what it is. There's always fear behind our anger, Kylie. Try to go there, and see what comes up for you. Fear is about that little girl inside and what she feels and how she's triggered. Separate what's yours and what's your family's and your dad's. It's so common to act like nothing's wrong in the midst of dysfunction; it's how it continues to operates as long as it does.
Keep getting the support you need. Keep setting your own boundaries around what feels safe to you and what doesn't. It is a process, it is a journey. We're never meant to walk it alone.
Thank you Jane. I really feel like you understand. I appreciate everything that you said. I believe that fear is the root cause of my anger and lashing out. Thank you so much for understanding.
You're so welcome, Kylie. I do.
Jane-you are SOOOOOOOO in tune!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The father/daughter relationship has been a big part of my healing. My dad is very stoic, militaray, never heard "I love you" or never hugged me. HOWEVER, I've never questioned his love for me which he showed in different ways. Having accepted that for many years, I only recently realized the affect it had on me with my attractions to emotionally unavailable men. It's huge!!! I now have a diffierent view of men and am being completely openminded and learning to not "look" for a speific trait but to stay in touch with my inner self and see how an interaction is making me feel. Yes, there are traits I love in my dad but my needs in a relationship with a special man is very different than that of my father. Took years to understand that but everyday seems to be another page in the adventure.
You're so very welcome, Sheryl! I'm so glad this resonated so much with what you've already come to for yourself. It is huge that you have realized this and are learning how to use this awareness to see what you're feeling and why and to separate your relationship with your father from what you want - and deserve! - from a special man. It's all part of the journey, no matter how long it takes, it's all in our own time when we're ready to see and do something different.
Hi Jane,
This one hit home. My father was married to my mother and they had four kids althogether. From what i understand, my day ran the streets while my mother worked to support four young children. While running the streets, my dad messed around with many women and eventually got one pregnant, which humiliated my mother. Eventually they separated when I was about 6 years (Im the oldest). I vaguely recall seeing my dad off and on sometimes when he would come by to see us, but never remember any fun times together. My parents divorced later on when my dad met another woman who had a daughter at the time. Anyway, he went on to marry her (we were not invited to the wedding) and they began living their lives together. What hurt themost is that my dad never provided for us, but he provided for his stepdaughter. To add insult to the injury, he and his and his wife went on to adopt two little boys, in which my dad would always tell us that it was his wife's idea and not his. When me and my siblings would call their house to speak with my dad, his wife would answered and appeared to be extremely agitated at us for calling. This was crazy because after all, we were kids and by right he was our father. My father never invited us to his house to spend weekends with him like I've seen other parents do. They've been married for over 30 years and I only been to the house once with my dad (when she wasn't there) and that was 2 years ago when I was 47 years old. My dad even had a 65th birthday celebration and me and my siblings were not invited. Although he never mentioned anything to me and my siblings about this important event, I found out by accident from his neice. I had seen my father during the week of the event and he never mentioned a word about his party. What I realize is that he did not want us there and the reason being is that we would find out the truth about his stepdaughter. A relative that went told me that the stepdaughter spoke at the event and said that my dad was the only father that she ever knew. This contradicts what my dad had always told us -- that his stepdaughter was always with her father.
I will be 50 years old this year and I've come to the conclusion that my father's real daughter is indeed his stepdaughter. He's been around her since she was 2 years old so by right she is his daughter. He's been with her from her toddler years up until her adult years (she should be in her mid 40's). He loves her as a father should. He walked her down the aisle when she got married; he spends time with her and her husband at their house; he talked about her going to college. I know this because he tells me this. I've only met his stepdaughter her one time and that was about 14 years ago. I've seen his wife only two times -- when I first met her when my dad first introduced me to her in the 1980's and in 2009 when my brother passed away. Although my father was not there for me and my siblings, I do believe that he does love us in his own way, but it is not the love that he has for his stepdaughter. We may be his children in blood; but his stepdaughter is his child in love.
I know that my story is long, but it hurts when a parent does not provide for his natural kid, but steps into the father role to support someone else's kid. Jane you were right when you said, I am looking for my father. I subconsciously did that when seeking relationships from the opposite sex. All of them seem emotionally unavailable and I always seem to attract the same man time after time. What I realize today is that because my father was emotionally unavailable and non-committed to my life as a father, I attracted the same type of men. While this is an eye-opener for me, it is also a breakthrough because now I understand why my relationships did not last. I had no one to guide me or shield me from life's pain even as a child. A father is suppose to be that barrier between you and the world. He is supposed to protect you in the night when the lightning hits. He should be the one to discern the wrong men in your life. However, that was not the case and my father could only do what he knew best to do. The weird thing is that I love my father despite his shortcomings. I realize that I do have a Father who lives in heaven and he's been with me through every season. Hopefully I will not attract any more emotionally available men because I am no longer looking for my daddy.
Wynne,
You made me cry, throughout reading Your story. You have made me stronger. Indeed our heavenly Father watches over us! There are man out there who are physically and emotionally available. AT least now we know. Good luck My dear vriend.
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for your comments. I am so glad that my story encouraged you. I pray that the Lord will continue to bless you abundantly and miraculously with His amazing love, mercy and power.
Your friend, Wynne
It's never too long a story when it's your story, Wynne. I'm so glad you were able to put this all down in writing and share it here. It can be so therapeutic to see it written out, to get it out in the open, to hear it in your own words, to accept it, to understand it, and to release it. To be free to be who you are with where you've been and what you've been through - and my heart so goes out to you for what you have been through - but to know that this doesn't have to define you or limit who you are or what you deserve. Feel the release of coming to terms as you have that your father "could only do what he knew best to do."
I hope you also see that this is never about you, and it never was; it's only about him. Of course you still love your father despite his shortcomings; it's all we know how to do deep down inside our little girl hearts. No matter what he does or what he doesn't do, we love our daddy. To know this about yourself, to have this kind of awareness is always how we begin to attract a different kind of man, not just a different face with the same issues, but someone who can give you what you're looking for - and wants to. You deserve nothing less.
Wow - I stumbled on this website / article today. I think it explains why I am in my 40’s and never married although it was the one thing I have wanted more than anything. This reply sounds like my life. It is so painful to realize now that I have sought out and been with unavailable men because of my father. I told myself for 20 years that if my father didn’t want to spend time with me or be part of my life then no man ever would love me or want to be with me. I told him this recently. He tells me he loves me kind of like the unavailable men I have known - but his actions don’t match those words - ghosting all the time.
It does effect self esteem.
Thanks for the article.
I'm so glad it resonated with you, S. For many of us, this was and is the missing piece.
I have fond memories of my early childhood with my Dad. He taught me how to play the guitar. He took me camping, hiking, bicycling, and ice skating. He helped instill in me a deep faith in God. I am forever grateful for these things....then came adolescence and my grades went down a bit and I started liking boys. I saw a different side of my Dad. One that seemed to say, 'if you mess up with school or boys, I will withhold my love from you', and it hurt so much. I felt like his love was conditional and I became distant and our relationship grew apart.
In my adult relationships, I feel like I have to be perfect for a guy to like me. I think, how can someone just like me for me when it seemed like my own Dad could not? It has been a challenge and a joy getting to a place where I can accept myself for who I am and I am still on that journey and I pray that there is a guy out there who will love me just the way I am.
What you've described resonates so much with me, Kate. There's something that happens around adolescence, around the time when we actually need our dads more than ever, and we need to still do all those things like you mention here - camping, hiking, bicycling, skating - but the opposite happens. I've come to see that our becoming young women instead of girls changes things for them. They're not sure what to make of the completely normal physical and emotional and psychological changes that are all a natural part of growing up so they distance themselves often without realizing this is what they're doing. It's as if they're recognizing that as boys and more directed school studies that become more future career focused become more a part of our reality, that it means they need to be more of a "parent" and less of a "person" to us. It's cultural and it's what they've seen is "best". But best for who is of course the question.
But now we know. We couldn't tell them this at the time - if we even knew what "it" was - we couldn't express what we needed without risking more, and we so needed it to come from them, not from us. Now we can see it, we can recognize it, and understand and have compassion for both ourselves and for them. Keep those beautiful memories of when you were younger; they are a gift.
Now we can change our story now that we know it's origins. You don't have to be perfect for a guy to like you because he won't be your dad. That's your new reality. Someone who's truly right for you will like you for you even though it seemed like your own dad could not. There is someone out there will will love you just the way you are, Kate; and that's exactly how you'll know him.
Thank you, Jane. God bless you:)
Wow...Jane,
The timing of this letter is remarkable. You and your words have changed my life. I always knew at least in recent years the pivtol role the father/daughter plays in a womans life.... but to see it on paper absolutely defining my life in detail almost about the relationships I've had in my life with men is lifechanging. I'm currently in a "relationship" now with yet another man that doesn't want me in the same way I want him. This is the norm for me and to hear someone else say that and understand what that means and how it feels is validating. The man is suppose to see me this Saturday night but as always the plans are tentative. Which is also a normal occurence in my relationships. I want to stop this pattern today by canceling these tentative plans with this gentleman.
I want to thank you so much for your words and thoughts and understanding. I'm changing my life today and I have you to thank for it.
Sherrill
How you inspire me reading your words here, Sherrill! I'm so thrilled that you're seeing this for yourself - for that's only way we can begin to change it! By seeing it, by becoming aware and learning to recognize what's going on for us behind the scenes - and then choosing for ourselves to make the changes that we need to for ourselves, not for anyone else, but for the person who's worth this and so much more - you! You're worth so much more than a habit of "tentative" plans.
This is all you, Sherrill, I'm just the one planting the seeds; you're the one hearing them, seeing them, making them yours and running with them. It's life changing. And it's beautiful to see.
I love this comment!
My father left when I was a baby and did not contact me until I was in my twenties. When I was younger I surrounded myself with male friends and played the 'good time girl' role, the girl who wasn't looking for anything back except fun times. This was a protection mechanism, If you don't ask for anything you can't be disappointed right? In later years I went for the guys who were unavailable, emotionally unavailable or physically by distance. There are two reasons for this, first the idea that if I could make a man become available it would somehow fix the hurt caused by my unavailable father, second if I knew deep down from the outset that the man could not be there for me in a meaningful way I wouldn't risk getting hurt. But it does hurt, it hurts your self confidence and self esteem in a devastating way. It has taken a combination of psychotherapy, soul searching and experience to realise these patterns and to start to break free from them. My father is still not there in a meaningful way but I have forgiven him and ultimately and more importantly myself. Now I have so much hope for the future because I am finally gaining the confidence to realise that I have the power to choose.
I love how you put this into words, Laura. "Now I have so much hope for the future because I am finally gaining the confidence to realise that I have the power to choose." We can't change the past, we can't make someone more available than they're willing to be, but we don't need to when we discover exactly what you've discovered here - we have the power to choose. Thank you so much for sharing your story; I know it's such a familiar one to so many.
Dear Jane, all this is so true. I reached my self to these conclusions in my researches to find happiness in life......unfortunately, there is small or there is not people who understand your perceptions for the world and for me is incradible difficult to communicate with all people as seems I am too high level for them and they dont accept me and understand me.
I have a big problems with man and I never find he right one.....because I never had a father....I never had communications with father.....now I think that all man are bad and will cause me problems and I am too far from man. I have a man in live, who is completely wrong but Iam tired to look for another, because of no father in my life I will never have good relashionship with man - I dont believe in man.
What is your comment about this.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Kate. And I so hear where you're coming from. It's not easy to be the only one who sees things the way you do, and to long for others who understand. I've found that once I stopped telling myself no one understands that I started finding the ones who did. It may be the same for you. Go where you're loved.
It might mean finding some new friends, trying some new places, discovering some new hobbies or passions or causes to put your energy into. But there's still so much more to life than settling for what seems to be the easier route. I do understand. I always wanted it to be easier. I always thought it "should" be easier. And I would find that life wasn't going to let me have the easy way out. It may be the same for you. It's huge that you can see this, that you know that you have a man in your life "who is completely wrong", but dig deeper into why you're too tired to put your energy into another direction. Not on "looking for another man", but on "looking for you".
You're worth the energy it takes to find your own life, to find happiness on your terms, in the ways that make you happy and take away the tired story of "it's too hard", and replace that story with the one that says "it's not too hard if I stop fighting what isn't right for me and start doing what works for me and what feels good to me." It's not selfish, it's how we give ourselves the love we need from ourselves.
Laura..your post brought tears to my eyes. I left my daughter at a young age..Well left is a strange word.. I never had her to begin with due to my own insecurities and fear. I left and never looked back. I didn`t even think about her for many years. It wasn`t until both my parents died within a short period .. then my wife left.. then I started thinking.
I came off my antidepressant pills after 10 years of use... Now emotions are flooding back to me. The worst of these emotions have to do with the guilt of leaving her and not understanding really why or how. I know what she looks like, I know much about her due to social media, but only as a stranger looking in. I left her.. and I can never take that back. I try and rationalize this with myself saying she was better off, that I could not be the man she needed. I know its a lie.. I never gave it a chance.
I`m not sure what I`m trying to say here.. maybe that know deep inside, he may well be so sorry, but can`t express this. Maybe it was your story and I wonder if that how she thinks.
I hope you get all that your searching for and more
Your timing is incredible. I needed to hear this, thank you.
I just had this conversation (of all places, on a date w a stable guy that is clearly interested in a relationship. But
Where's my head & heart? With my ex that loves me 1 day, then isnt speaking to me the next. ?!)
It is so true, this cycle. Its only now, @ 44, that I can finally recognize it. My dad is wonderful but as you mentioned, gave what he knew. I was 18 before he told me he loved me. He wldnt speak to me for days on end if he was upset about something. His approval is like gold to me. Even to this day.
These responses are so familiar, we think it defines a normal relationship. End up emotionally depleted, & don't understand why.
anyway, thank you for sharing. I hope to discover what ultimately breaks the pattern of behavior.
I'm so glad the timing of this was so relevant for you, K. It's a subject that comes up often in these conversations, yet it's full impact is rarely understood. It's not surprising it's taken you a long time to see it; we have to ready and our own timing has to be there.
"His approval is like gold to me." - oh how I relate to this! Even though I know I don't need it, it goes deeper than our simply knowing this.
It's huge you're seeing the connection, K. Recognition and awareness is how we begin to change these patterns. Giving someone a chance who we otherwise might not have because there wasn't enough of this pattern to them, is another.
Hey Jane,
This really hits home. I sent you a message this morning, this articles answers me before you could even send your response on the confusion I have.
I never knew my father until I asked my mom one day, only just before I celebrated my 21st birthday. I then went to look for him as he was said to be in another town. At first when I called him I had to remind him who my mother was and then afterwards he recalled. When I visited him he was so happy and didn't even know what to do. He cooked and gave me some crockery which he had from his working place. We promised to meet every now and again but it didn't go well as I was the one who was always checking on him.
And now that you are mentioning all these in your article. That's what's been happening with all my relationships. At first the guy will be so much into me and would believe that I have found Mr right. Within no time I will be the one running after him, to a point of breaking up. I am now 46yrs old and never sustained a relationship not even a year. The ones I would say they are longer are those whereby a man will leave me and I will look for him and then he will come back we have a few months relationship and he is gone again. All these years I have never fully enjoyed being in a relationship. It will be just few months and it's gone. So heartbreaking for I have always pictured having a stable family of my own. Yes I do have my daughter 19yrs old and my son 17yrs and they love me to bits. But still I always feel that missing puzzle.
To me fathers day is just one of those days since the father of my kids is also not there for them. Sometimes I do take some time to applaud those who are doing well with their kids.
Thanks Jane for this article it's so profound and it really opened my eyes.
I'm so glad the timing of this was so relevant for you, Debbie, and that it resonated with where you are. It sounds like you've got your own stable family right in front of you - how beautiful when we see what we can do in spite of our circumstances! And how much we have to give. I feel for you, Debbie. And I hope bringing this subject to light and having a conversation around it will help you with this. You're so not alone!
Hi Debbie
Your story resonates with me. I am 41 and have never been married. I have a 23 year old son who is wonderful. Although I am grateful for all that is in my life, I have always wanted to be married with a whole family unit. I reflect on life and feel the pain of not having that. Thanks for sharing your story.
I was raised on a farm. I love my dad very much. But our relationship is and was nothing to brag about. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters. I was the 6th child. I can't say anything bad about my dad, but I don't know if I have a strong relationship with him eather. I do understand the part of chasing men. I do it very well along with being friends and excepting just being friends and sometime nothing more or just a sex partner for a short time. It kinda stinks. I just what someone to love me for me. Most guys like the girly girl's and I am not always the girly girl. I do road construction. So I kinda get over tired and forget to be girly girl. Maybe u csn help me with ideas
Then be you, Amy. Take out the belief that says "most guys like the girl girls and I am not always the girly girl", and replace it with one that says "the guy that's right for me will love me for who I am, not who I'm not." It's when we have this mindset - even if we don't even realize it and it's only subconscious - that we have to do or be something other than who we are, that we set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's out there, Amy, he may just not be the type you're looking for or the one's you're "finding" if you have that kind of mindset and you're believing that you have to change yourself to be what he wants rather than that he will want to be with you because of who you are! Can you see the difference?
You also may want to explore your feminine "girly girl" side if you'd like to develop that more when you're not on the job, and see if there's more to that story than you've been aware of. Maybe you feel you have to compare yourself to some unrealistic standard that our culture - and the media - tells us in so many ways that we have to live up to be "beautiful" "loved", and so many other false truths that are so easy to become our own programming without our even realizing this. Sit with these and see what comes up for you - what resonates with you. If you haven't discovered journaling, I've found writing about things that I never knew held such ingrained beliefs for me, have brought such insight that I otherwise couldn't have been open to see. You may find this true for you as well. You're not alone here, Amy. It's a journey we're all on.
I'm a girly girl and I'm in the same situation. Every girl I know goes through this and we're finally educating ourselves and figuring out all the 'whys'.
Yep, be you!