Of all the questions I'm asked, the one subject that gets more attention than anything else is whether or not a man will ever come around and commit.
Will he ever want a committed relationship?
There is just so much fear around this subject.
We're afraid that as soon as we leave, as soon as we decide to let go and move on, he will come around and want that committed relationship, and we will miss the kind of relationship with him we'd been waiting and holding on for so long for.
I remember having this exact feeling; I was just so sure that if I gave up waiting, if I let go of holding on and hanging around waiting for him to finally see the light, it would be at that exact time that he would be ready and I would miss out on everything I'd been waiting for!
First of all, let's set the record straight. If he were to come around and suddenly be ready to commit to you (and that's a huge if) and you had just left him, he would chase you. There's no way a man in love and ready to have a committed relationship with you is going to let you just walk away if he's made that decision, or is very close to making that decision.
He will know how to contact you and he will! Men are wired to be the pursuers; it's in their genetic makeup, and nothing you do or say (or don't do or don't say) can alter that. He is going to find you and track you down if he decides he's going to step up and make the commitment to you that you've been holding out for – it won't matter where in the world you've gone too! He's very resourceful!
But that was a huge "if".
So if you're in the same situation I found myself in many times over my dating career, staying with a guy wondering all along if he's ever going to want the kind of committed relationship that you truly want, here are three signs that make it more likely:
1. He's been in a committed relationship before. Not just a long-term relationship or a live-in relationship that gave the appearance of being a committed relationship; I'm talking here about a fully committed relationship where he was emotionally present from start to finish. This is a slippery one though, because sometimes it is because he was so committed before that he doesn't ever want to be involved like that again. If he was really hurt before, if there was a betrayal of trust, then there is a greater likelihood he will not want to be in another committed relationship.
But still, to know that he was emotionally capable of one in the past, gives some hope that he could eventually be capable of one again, given enough time and trust building to see that it could happen again. How many relationships he's been in is also a factor, because someone who has been in many committed relationships but has never committed fully to any one of them is a warning sign that this person is not capable of moving beyond a certain level of commitment, even though he may think he is because he has been in committed relationships before.
Unless he is willing to dig deeper and discover why he cannot move beyond that point for him, there is usually not much chance that you will magically be the one who prompts him to suddenly change that point of no return.
2. You can talk to him about commitment or the lack of one. If you can talk about this subject with him, there is hope. Most of the time these guys are so emotionally closed, that you intuitively do not even attempt to talk to him about his lack of commitment and you're desire to have a committed relationship. If you're able to be this direct with him, and he responds without changing the subject or giving you the cold shoulder or silence, or simply disappears, this is definitely encouraging.
Healthy, honest communication is the most important cornerstone/basis for a strong relationship and without this type of direction communication on both sides, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to have that deep kind of emotional connection that is the precursor to the kind of committed relationship we're talking about here.
You can have all the attraction or chemistry in the world, but without being able to actually engage each other and be engaged with each other's thoughts and minds, there is nothing deep enough to hold the relationship together, and no basis for that true commitment to grow out of.
Click here to get my free PDF guide "3 Biggest Warning Signs He'll NEVER Commit"
3. He has a good relationship with his family, particularly his dad. This one is huge. Back in my single days, when my girlfriends and I were all about dating these emotionally unavailable non-committal types, we found over the years of conducting informal polls, that in every single case our Mr. EU (emotionally unavailable) man could be linked to a poor or non-existent relationship with his family, and in particular, his father.
Time after time, we would compare notes trying desperately to figure out what made these guys tick, and we would come up with the same thing. This guy either wasn't talking to his dad, didn't care to have anything to do with him, or didn't have anything to say about him at all. And the exact opposite was also true; those men who did have a strong, or at least a good relationship with their father were the ones who were emotionally available and wanted a relationship with us!
Which made for a very interesting story when we realized that in when the tables were turned, and we found ourselves in relationships with men who actually wanted that same commitment from us that we were looking for from our other non-committal men, it was we who were the ones who had difficult or strained or non-existent relationships with our own fathers!
Hmmm.
That really got us thinking. Whether it's the example that's set in these all important first relationships where we learn what a real love relationship looks like (whether it's love or not), or whether it's how we feel about ourselves and respond to this first relationship with the father in our lives, it seems there is something to this unique relationship that directly influences the ability of these men to desire a committed relationship, and ironically, the very thing that may be attracting us to these types of men in the first place!
The bottom line here is this: You are not going to change him. You are a beautiful, special, wonderful woman with so much to offer someone worthy of what a gift you truly are, but you are not going to change him. You can try, but it's ultimately got to come from him. There are many things you can do to try to move things along and see if that can bring him around, but he will be the one deciding if he's ready to dig deeper within himself and do the work he needs to do to have a committed relationship with another person. If he's not willing to do that, or just doesn't want to, the best thing for you to do is move on and find a guy that wants the same kind of committed relationship that you do. The most important thing to do is to keep living your life and focusing on you.
Never ever forget that it is only when we refuse to accept anything less than a fully committed relationship that we find that is exactly what we eventually end up with in the end. You are worth so much more than any crumbs you might be holding onto hoping they will turn into a real relationship.
You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than this.
I have been dating a great man (61) (me 57) for over 2 years. Everything is fine, except things concerning his ex-wife. They have been divorced for almost 5 years. They got married two months after hooking up because she was pregnant. He convinced her to marry him. Shortly after marrying they discovered their personalities did not go together well. They stuck thru 12 years of marriage, with him sleeping in another room for most of the marriage. I have known he and his ex for a few years. Although we did not get together until about two years after they divorced, and no funny business was going on between us before then. And I have no problem with his ex, and know they communicate as they have kids. Here are my issues: He has their wedding picture and honeymoon picture up in their bedroom. I have brought up how awkward it makes me feel, but he dismisses my feelings on them. He once asked me to wear her wedding dress he found when cleaning to have sex in. He has told me that because she was so hot when they got married he thought the relationship would work (eyeroll here). And this year we had a combined Thanksgiving (my family, his family, and his ex and her family). It worked out just fine. Although after the fact, he told me she tried to back out of it - but he said they needed to make it work for the kids. But a few days ago I found a FB funny posted by someone we know right after Thanksgiving that she liked, that basically talked about the ex being with his new GF and wanting to leave a dead animal on his couch. I discussed it with him, as wondering if she was mad because he was in a happy relationship with me, while she had no one. He seemed intrigued with that possibility oddly. But made a statement that if she brought a boyfriend to Thanksgiving he would not be able to handle it. And want to know what the new BF has that he did not.
He tells me loves me, makes me a priority, is consistent, etc. But he cannot finish during sex looking at me. Only when he is not looking at my face. Adding this to the other things listed above I am wondering if I need to leave this relationship. I am not sure if cannot let go of her - maybe out of a deeper love than he has for me, out of ego (since men have that need to 'win'), or maybe a combo of both.
I have never married, and no kids. I have had many opportunities to marry in my life, but knew that something was missing in those relationships that I needed. So I made the best choices for myself as possible. So he does not have any baggage of mine to deal with. All good, but makes him trying to understand my point of view challenging.
I don't to waste any more time, with advancing age every day :), and need some solid viewpoints. And note, I am not insecure, but I feel the pics, dress, T-day comment (along with other comments he has made during the 2+ years) are making me doubt he is the one I have waited for all my life. Even though he is a good man whom I do love.
Dear Dominica, to tell you the truth, as I read you it became quickly evident that there are BIG red flags... I would not stay with that man.... wanting you to wear is ex wife’s wedding dress during sex is OMG very wrong... and not looking at you during sex is hurtful.... I am sad for you...
Hi everyone!
Im dating a man, 40 years old ( me 39), for over 2 years now. He never really had a longterm relationship. He is afraid of commitment, and all his exes left him and married to other man after aprx 1,5 year dateing.
He told me he loves me after 1 year of dating, that was when i wanted to leave him. So, Since then we are a ” secret couple”, ( we are from differente cultures and cant be together in public).
My question: is it normal that I man wants you to wait for him to make a decision wheater he wants to stay with you or not? I have waiter for over two years now... he doesnt want to talk about it, doesnt want to hear about when i ask on what ” level” our relationship is... BUT, when i try to leave him he really gets devistated!! He spend all days with me,( he doesnt have any children and has No job).
He says he loves me, but never does anything for me. Im the One that drives this relationship forward.
His last ex ( he loved her truly) left him for another man, and he gave up on life back then. Its Been 6 years ago. He loved her still in the year of 2018. Now he says that she doesnt mean anything for him. But, when he was with her, he was the One who tried to get her in to commitment, but it was too late, she had already made up her mind for the other man. So, am i thinking right when i say that if he would love me the way he loved her, he would commit? Or, is it fair to me that he puts me in a ” waiting position” for such a Long time... and maybe One day he Will say; ” Hey, Ive made up my mind, but i dont want to commit”... and he wont even have bad feelings about that cause he never promised me commitment in the first place...
Am i beeing silly waiting for him such a Long time?
Hi Jane.
I love the support and articles you write. You are amazing ?.
Ladies in the comment section y'all are strong, beautiful women with beautiful hearts.
My story is different a bit ... I have been in a relationship for the past 5 yrs as of April. He is 5yrs older than me (32) and I am silly in love with him and I always knew we would get married. Problem is in said 5yrs I haven't met his people( parents and all) just a few friends.
He knows everyone back home even my Grandad.
Also he still lives at home with his mom and despite telling him he needs to have his own space, he is still reluctant. He has a business and he is good at it but its not sustaining for a family and I have given ideas to help in revamping and growing it on a different level.
As a man he is lovely but he is albeit a little bit soft. I am headstrong and stubborn but I toned it down a notch to try and support him in his endeavors.
I feel he loves me but he has a fear that honestly I have no clue about and when I ask him if he will come home he says he will and he just needs to be okay financially. Im not interested in his money all I want is some form of commitment but its like its not meant to be. He is good at guilt tripping and emotionally stringing me along(how I see it and what my closest friends seem to think) but currently I am standing up and getting my strength back. I am not allowing him to guilt trip me nor am I taking any of the sweet crafted words. I dont want to give an ultimatum but I feel like he will not do right by me. We have no investments together. All we have is sex and words and hopes no action and Im so exhausted emotionally. What should I do?
If you have to ask, you already know the answer. "He's good at guilt tripping and stringing me along", "I haven't met his people" "He still lives with his mom and despite telling him he needs his own place, he's still reluctant"..."he has a fear". Look at this as a stranger's situation, objectively and without attachment. Would you say the stranger should marry this guy? Does this sound like someone who wants to be committed and build a life with his girlfriend?
You already have five years worth of information. What do you want to do with it? What do you want out of life? What does a man you want to marry actually look like?
Hi Jane,
I met this guy at the gym but he keeps to himself, he mentor a guy that he brings to the gym. The guy he mentors comes over to our area and speak to one of the girl is at our table that how I am aware of the guy, he sits across the room but he is always looking at his phone. So we don't bother him, he has a look I don't want to be bother. Months went by and one day I happen to look across the room and saw him staring at me he look away. And the very next day someone got me upset and I told the person they can not speak like this, and I was very upset . He walk in the room and saw I was upset, he had had a puzzle look on his face, I walk out the room and a few minutes later he came out and in a gently way asked me if I was ok. And I told him no I was not ok and told him why I was upset. And I walk away, I went back in the room 15 minutes later and the guy who got me upset came and said to me he said the guy was mad at him for making me upset and told him he should apologize to me. In my mind I went wow he stuck up for my honor, the very next day I saw him I went over and thank him. He started to speak with me and after 15 minutes in conversation he told me he was single . I am from the UK he is American and I am Arab, so he ask how my family would like if I went someone like him I told him
maybe they would not accept it, but it was my choice. I did not see him until the day after xmas. He came and sat right next to me and told me what kind of woman he was looking for and he had a smile form ear to ear, we spoke for an hour. So I started to think he likes me. This went on for a few weeks, and then one day I wrote my number on a piece of paper and I ran into him outside the gym so we spoke and after 10 minutes I took out the paper and said to him if you want to hang out sometime give a call. He took the number and told me he was going to ask me for my number anyway. He did not called or text me. So I saw him one day out he stop to speak with me and I ask him if he lost my number he immediately look down at his his jacket, and told me no he said he been busy. he said he text his number that night he did. And he surprise me by hugging me. he said he wanted to take me out sometime when he clears his calendar, after that he avoided me so I back off. And a month later someone else got interested in me he found out and started coming around telling me lets go out. He started texting me a lotafter and one day I told him I just wanted to get to know him and get close to him. But I know I should not use the word close, he text me back saying that right now he does not want anyone getting close but if we do it is what is or it is not. We continue texting for another couple of weeks and I told him I was leaving the US in the fall to go back to the UK so he said we can hang out in the summer. Then we text for another 10 minutes and he came out and told me he does not want a romantic relationship with anyone right now but he wants to know more about me and I am definitely interested person, but before that a few days he told me he was stress about finding a good job he was not happy where he was he want to change jobs and ask for my help in finding another one. And he wants to get financially secure. He was goal oriented and he wanted a purpose in life. My sister told me maybe u are going back to the UK he does not want to get involve.
I was stunned when he told me he did not want a romantic relationship with me but wants to hang out with me, but he is jealous of the other guy asking me a lot of questions about him. I am the only girl he speaks to at the gym he told me so. I am in law school and working this would be my 4th degree so I feel he feels he can match up to me. That night I was a bit upset he shows all the signs he was into to me. he asked a lot of questions he always was concern about me he would ask where I was going.
So I called him and left him a message that I got his message loud and clear. He text me back telling he was going to take a shower he would call me he did and ended talking to me for almost three hours. The next day he text me telling me he appreciate me. I have not text or spoke to him for three days. I am giving up on him.
I would appreciate any advice on this. BTW he seem bother that another guy at the gym is interested in me.
Best Regards,
Julia
Your words made me bawl my eyes out for I know it’s all true. Just so hard to leave for deep down I believe he really does love me but he is so damn afraid of getting hurt again, it’s hard to give up. But it isn’t fair to me for I suffer daily and I’m trying to wean myself off of caring as much but there’s always that what if. And it’s stupid for I know if I walked away and stood ground I’d finally get the truth about he feels. I really do deserve better and I can feel it building up in me that eventually I am going to hate him I’m just not quite there yet
You'll get there, Sheri. Being conscious of the weaning process helps. And recognizing that the truth of how he feels is within your reach when you're ready to see it for yourself is huge. It makes so much sense that you've found each other because you both ironically share the same fear.
He is an Emotionally Unavailable Man! Run away right now! I spent 4+years with one, putting up with the relationship always being his way and shutting down when I mentioned it. Blow hot- blow cold and him disappearing and or seeing me less and less until I would say I’m not getting enough out of this ( so called relationship of his way or no way) they he was all attention again. For a short while. Finally (I had had enough by then) broke up with me using an ambiguous text message!!! I lost all respect for him and I could really see he was a EUM all along and would never be anything else. 6 months go by with no contact he texts me saying he was wondering how I was doing. I text back I’m fine. Two days later another text from him saying that he honestly texted me two days ago because he was horny and missed the sex. Then he calls me up and starts telling all about his 3 month motorcycle trip , like nothing has ever happened! I had already done my work and realization about the real EU man he is and how miserable I had been in this one sided relationship. In fact when I picked up the phone I was thinking what fresh hell is this! I am so over you. I politely listened and quickly got off the phone. I chewed on this latest measure of disrespect and pure EU crappy behavior . The next day I lambasted him with a text message over his cowardice and disrespect by texting a breakup message and having the utter gall 6 months later to contact me for a booty call!!! I haven’t heard a word from him since and that was 7 months ago and I’m glad !! I’m sooo over him and I’m much happier than I ever was with him. I chalk it up to a learning experience and thanks to this site and others , I know what an EUM is and will never ever be involved with one again!!!!
Ive been seeing a guy for 1 1/2 years. He Lost his mom in the beginning of our relationship and then his grandmother a month later which I helped him thru. We are like an old married couple when we are together, which is usually every weekend and a few days a week but he still wont commit, says he is not ready and even started a lil fling with his married ex (that is over and did not go far as she ended it) When we are together it is wonderful, we have argued but never have gone more than a few days without making up. But he can be cruel with words and always talks about how hot other women are etc so I dropped 25 pounds which has made things better but he has been sending naked pics to other women. I confronted him and he said he was drunk and that it meant nothing. He told me he loves me but does not want a serious relationship, that his head is messed up for he still loves his married ex. I keep thinking he just needs more time but how long do I wait? If I dont text him back right away he sends awful mean texts then says sorry ( he suffers from Borderline personality disorder and drinks a ton) Im so scared if I leave him he wont come back and in my heart I really do feel he is the one especially after all we have been thru but I am hurting and tired of being kept at bay. He practically lives with me is he ever going to commit and what can I do to get him to finally figure it out ? Deep down he has a heart of a gold but this BPD makes him awful sometimes. He cant stand it if I dont talk to him and feels bad when he does things and I forgive him for I love him but im tired but I dont want to lose him either.
That heart of gold that only you see and the abusive person he has shown you he is are one and the same. Why are you clinging to an abusive, toxic situationship with someone who doesn't want anything with you? Why do you stay? Why are you settling for so little? Why do you want an abusive person to commit to you? Why are you committed to an abuser? Find the answers to these questions within you.
Please, please, please think of yourself and seek help to untangle yourself from this. I can only imagine the pain you are in and what you're carrying to stay in this situation. Please know you are worthy of healthy love and appreciation from a healthy person. This man is not good for you and it's not your fault at all. His issues are his alone and he has to fix them, not you.
Love doesn't hurt and you don't have to beg for it or make anyone do anything. You don't want someone you need to fix or nurse or coerce or cajole into caring.
Your feelings matter, your wellbeing matters. You matter. Please believe that and start right there. If you can, do Jane's programs. If you can, please seek a therapist to confide in and to help you see more clearly at yourself and your own worth. I believe you can walk away from this and start feeling better about yourself. Please take care of yourself.
I have read and re-read you response. Reading back what I wrote and seeing it in black and white, that is exactly the advice I would give that person (me).
I have never been on this type of forum before, and the fact I have been searching and have actually written on one, tells me I know there is a problem, but I have been in denial.
I have never relied on a man for anything and have always been totally independent, (though not without feeling) so it amazes me to see what I am settling for. (I did think FWB would work for me short term)
I am going to set a goal and a time limit for this 'relationship' . We are either together or we finish. No half measures anymore.
I hope you see your power and get it back as soon as possible, Rachel. This has nothing to do with you being independent or not relying on a man, or your intelligence or your accomplishments or anything like that. It has more to do with unconscious dynamics playing within you. We all have them. Every human has them. The pain is only a nudge for you to look inwards, to come back to yourself, your authentic you. Right now you've gotten a bit lost in some illusion, in someone else's mess. Stop and take care of yourself. The more you go towards yourself, the clearer it will get for you to find your way back to you and a better life.
I am in a year long relationship, for want of a better description. He is 57 and I am 49. I am 3 years out of a long term marriage. He has had 3 long term relationships over the last 30 years.
His first marriage, earliest relationship ended very badly after only a few years, I believe he loved her very much, and she hurt him so badly it has affected all relationships since. When he speaks about her, he speaks of hate. His other two long term relationships obviously had their issues, but both ended on fairly good terms.
We have a lot of mutual friends. When we got together, he didn't want people to know about it. And he did not want to be a couple. He just wanted a casual relationship. However, after about 9 months I asked him where we were, and he reminded me what he had said, and repeated it. Which put things on hold for a little while. However, it is difficult to avoid meeting him.
We still have a secret relationship, except all our friends know we see each other. All his own friends know it also, but they keep their comments to themselves. It is the best kept open secret. The gossip is irrelevant to us, because as he puts it we are both single people and can do what we want.
Although we are not a 'couple', our relationship is exclusive, and I am positive he does not and has never been involved with another woman while he has been with me.
I know everything about his family. I know everything about his friends. Private/personal things about all of them. When we are together, we talk a lot. He knows I won't repeat stuff, so he can just talk it out. I know about his business and how its going and what he is doing, planning.
I don't ever want to get married again, and I don't want to move in with him, which I have told him, but I think he is wary.
He contacts me most days, sometimes he would be in contact all day.
he is gone away for a few days with his friends, and I got a number of messages, to say he arrived safety, to say what is happening, etc, etc.
When I am with him, I feel safe and loved. It is always good. When I am out with friends, he always wants me to have a good time and enjoy myself.
But, he can be selfish with his time. with his emotion. His friends are his priority. (partly because he has been on his own for last number of years, has a set routine and lifestyle)
I think what he has managed to do, is set himself up in a loving relationship with someone on a part time basis.
He can't do confrontation. When you confront him about about anything, he looks like he is listening, but has actually shut down. therefore it is almost impossible to have and argument with him. (I think this might go back 30 yrs to his ex wife) Same if two of his friends are arguing, he is always the peacemaker.
How do I get that small change from him. He doesn't seem to realise only a small change is required. I don't want to live with him. I like going home to my own house, and chilling watching tv on my own. I like having time with my own friends. I do not want to live in his pocket. But when we go to an event, I would like to go together in stead of separately. Leave together, which we mostly do anyway.
Have I wasted a year? If someone came along and asked me out, I would consider it at this point. (obviously I would discuss with him our situation before accepting)
Most of his actions would suggest we are together. That he thinks about me throughout the day. That he genuinely wants to see how I am.
But the relationship status, 'couple' 'girlfriend' is still an issue for him.
do I give up now even though I am still enjoying it.
Why do you settle for an illusion? Why do you stay with someone who doesn't want you as a partner? Why do you cling to someone who cannot communicate, who does not look at himself and sort himself out? Why do you stay with someone who prioritizes other things and people, but never you? Why do you stay with someone who gets all the benefits of a relationship from you but does not care at all to give you the same benefits back?
Are you not worth more?
This is who he is. There is no small change he has to make. There is no "if only". This is it. Can you live like this? Can you wait another day, month, year, decade, life like this?
By the way, no matter how many niceties he observes in the little time he spends with you, the truth is you're not together. Actions and words have to match. If you don't know where you stand, you're not standing at all.
Hello. My name is dezi. And I have a bit of a different situation. I have been trying to pursue this guy I've known for several years. Infact, we have a 2 year old daughter together which I'm raising. He was in a 2 year relationship with a psychopath of a woman. Which did not end well for him at all. Shortly after, him an I tried to be together. But at that time I was living in Houston an he was still in kansas. That didn't go well. Mainly due to him having interest with other women on his FACEBOOK which lived all over the US an he had never met. I found out an was crushed. But after I calmed down I realized it was too soon for him. Well.. that was a year and a half ago. Just a couple months ago, our daughter an I moved back to kansas. We live like an hour an a half away from him an his family now. Well him an I have been talking things out. An it seems like he's not chasing other women anymore but really there's no telling. He comes to visit every weekend almost. An the last couple weekends have been amazing between us. We kiss an hold hands (even in public-but no one knows us). But when we talked about a relationship, he says he's not ready for commitment... But he says he loves me an wants only me an wants me all to himself. He puts a smile on my face but I can't help but to think of the past. I know I have trust issues. An I know I need someone who is willing to prove that I can trust them. I need someone with patience. I told him this. An he also says to be patient. He seems so sure that things will work out in the long run. But I am terrified that he's just saying these things (tho it really seems like he's serious). He hasn't told me why he's not ready.. Which just kind of leaves me thinking he's just making excuses. But maybe that's just my trust issues talking. The way he holds my hand an the way he kisses my forehead an calls me when he thinks I'm upset an calms me down is so reassuring that he's serious.. So here's the catch. While I was in Houston, I made a sad attempt to move on an ended up with what we call a loser. He knocked me up an left a week after we found out. I'm 34 weeks along now an could never be happier for myself. But I am concerned that this is something that he's "not ready" for. Tho might I remind you, we already have a child together which I am raising. He loves her yes an hes around. But I'm also worried that he says he's not ready because hes not ready to make the sacrifices he has to make in order to be a father. Hence why I'm raising her. Because i had no choice but to drop everything I like to do like hanging out with friends an goin to bars (no complaints-i love being a mommy). But it seems like he doesn't want to give that up. So is it just me? Is he just afraid to commit to me because I'm "not fun" anymore. Or maybe because he really isn't ready like he says? All I know is I am scared to be hurt again. But I don't want to find someone new. I do love him. He has a good heart. I'm just... Not sure if I'm really what he wants like he says I am.
Why do you even want to be with a person you cannot trust? Why do you stay? He has already shown you in more ways than one who he is and what he's incapable of. Is this it? There are other people in the world. People who don't have commitment issues, people who don't philander, people who don't abuse other people. Look for one of those people and look within yourself, get to know yourself. If you can, confide in a therapist. They are very helpful. Do Jane's programs too. Do them conscientiously and for yourself. They're a great start. You and your child are worth it.
Thank you. Yes it's hard. I quit talking to him and he didn't pick up the ball and text or call me. It's hard but even though I know he loves me i also know it's not enough. If it was the same love i have for him he would be calling to see what's going on. So yeah I'm really tore up but I know I am strong and my love isn't enough.
I am sorry you are hurting, Lorraine. I have been right there where you are. It is the worst! But I promise life gets better, we get better. When we take control of our lives, things improve drastically. It's worth it. It is just hard for many of us because we have learned things that are not helpful and undoing the damage is tough. But we get better. We learn from these situations, we get to know more about ourselves and we learn to be more discerning. But it is a long-term if not life-long process. I still struggle with many things, and it's rough when I get disappointed, but I would rather be who I am now than who I was when I was around these men. It helps to have close, honest friends who keep us to our promises to ourselves. The last time I was all enamored with one guy who didn't want commitment, I almost made the same mistake of staying around on his terms, but my closest friend helped me snap out of it. She reminded me of the pain I had gone through about two years before that and she gave me the truth coldly. Or I felt it cold. I even got a bit defensive and angry, but I knew she was right. I walked away and was very fragile for about 4 months, but with every day away from him and without communication, I got better. I think about him from time to time, but I see him clearly and I am happy that I walked away. He was a good man, and he liked me, but that was not enough. He was also noncommittal, so I know he's not the kind of man I want.
Do you have a support system in place? Someone to talk to, who listens, understands and holds you lovingly? Someone who can also keep you on track on getting over this? I hope you do. It makes things easier somewhat. Keep coming here to the blog. As you can see, you are not alone here. We all get you. Hugs.
I could use some encouragement. I want to just keep talking to him but I'm not. I have not talked to him for a couple days. Silly I know but we normally talk all day...
It will be hard, Lorraine. It takes a bit of time. Keep yourself busy, with friends, family, yourself, hobbies, exercise, work, journaling. Cry if you need to. It's ok.
Getting to walk away cold turkey takes practice and clarity within ourselves. I know how hard it is. These days and because of my experience, I'd rather walk away cold turkey than keep being around me till I'm destroyed inside and I can't be around him anymore. It saves me time, energy, self-esteem and my dignity. Learning to love ourselves and choose ourselves over these men takes conscious effort and yes, time. Big hug.
I have made the decision to take a huge step back from him and see how I feel. I do know he loves me. I also know I deserve more than this. Thank you for the advise.
I have been seeing him for a year and a half. For the first 9 months he called me his girlfriend. Then everything changed he pulled away. Then we get close but he will not say we are in a relationship. He says he loves me and I'm the best thing to ever happen to him but he just doesn't want a girlfriend. What do I do?. How do you get him to commit to me?
You don't get anyone to do anything. The only person you have control over is yourself. He's using you. You already have all the information you need. It's up to you now what to do with it. Is this what you want in life? If not, cut him off. You matter more than any him or any crumbs they throw your way. Focus on yourself, your own life, your goals, your friends and family. Really. He's not that special, nobody is. Get clear within yourself and figure out who you are without other people. You are worth more than you can possibly imagine. Choose yourself always. People learn how they should treat you by what you allow. Good luck.
I want him to commit to me. Isn't there any hope for us to be happy together?
He already told you and showed you where he is at in life, and it's not on your same page. There is nothing you can do. Respect his place and respect above all else your own space. Honor yourself, not people who do not match you. It seems to me you are being blinded by your own memories and desires and that is not letting you see this person clearly. You trying and changing and manipulating and cajoling will only make you suffer more and longer. You will waste your time and this will erode your sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Your dignity will be compromised. All of the women in this community have been where you are. Read all the posts you can on this blog and think about the words expressed here. If you can, do Jane's programs conscientiously. If after all of that you make the conscious decision to continue in this situationship you've got going here, then by all means do what you need to do for yourself, but gain clarity before hand. Please memorize this: you cannot make anyone do anything. You cannot make anyone love you. They do of their own accord or they don't. The only man you want is one who commits to you freely and unmistakably because he chooses to. Don't put any person, much less any man on a pedestal. You'll never have a healthy relationship if you're looking up or down on someone.
I am 54 and started dating a guy six years ago, we had both been out of horrible 20 year marriages before we had met. Two years ago we moved in together,and things were going great or so it seemed. He said he did not want to get married, and I got that, and I did not want to either but I wanted that commitment. Last year he developed a platonic relationship with a woman who had been invited to a party we had, and he kept it secret from me, and when I found out I expressed my concern about being threatened and he continually said it was platonic.
he became more and more conflicted and against my better judgement she was invited to another party we had in August, and I was a gracious host. She was flirting with him, but my insecurities lead me to say nothing, but by this time my intuition told me it was more than platonic and far too late for me to comment as his heart and head were in another place. An hour after she left, I caught him having a private relationship on the phone behind closed doors (this was at 1:00 a.m. - needless to say I lost it, and we had a huge fight - first is six years). I had to leave on business five days later and left him a note about being committed to the relationship, he gave me a letter when I got back that said he not longer was comfortable in the relationship, and that his behaviour with especially with her was not stellar, and there was never and infidelity. Maybe not, but to me an emotional affair is worse. He also stated he was conflicted and non-committal (He felt I was looking for a marriage partner and that was not him). He felt sorry for not talking to me sooner, which he should have as I would not have moved in with him and would have moved on two years ago. I am now back on my own and putting my life and business first.
My advice to ladies, if he doesn't show you that you are the priority, then he is not committed to the relationship. If he has a lot of female friends that are platonic or keeps you out of his females friendships, he is not making you the priority. If he seems uncomfortable or distant in anyway talk to him, if he says things like "I think we are okay", don't just leave it, question him. We all have insecurities, and we all find it hard to communicate, but it is key.
Unfortunately I have been burned by men many times. Many have said to me they are non-committal and then we break up - only for me to learn that a year later they get married to someone else.
Know what you want and not settling is key!!!
In the future, I will be more aware of the signals and what I have learned in all the relationships I have been in. I will make me the priority now.
Thank you for sharing, Ashley. My heart goes out to you and what you've been through. We learn, oh how we learn. You deserve so much more than this!
Thank you for sharing this wise advice Ashley. I had a similar experience except it was with a former girlfriend. You have to be very aware. Trust your gut in all matters.
Hello,
I've been with same guy for 13 good years and we have 3 beautiful kids together. We all live together but there is no commitment to getting married. I am just confused and about to break this off. I have caught him talking to couple of girls before but no evidence of sleeping with them. He has also done things that i will never had gut doing to him. I need some advice because i really don't know what to do. I recently lost my job a little over 3 month ago and he has been paying all the bills in the house except my credit card and personal stuff which is fine. But my main thing is not knowing where to go from now because it seems that he is either taking his lovely time or want things done on his own terms. I don't really know, please help.
Hi,
I've been dating this 57 yr. old man for the past 6 months. He has been divorced for 10 yrs. from a 20 yr. marriage and hasn't had a serious relationship since. He didn't want the divorce; his wife initiated the divorce. He suspects she was cheating but never confirmed it. Since we have been dating he told he loved me. We have not been intimate because he says he feels uncomfortable with his 20 yr. old son residing with him. I care a lot for this man and not sure if I should believe he is over his ex-wife. He is very caring and sweet and always concerned about my well being. I just got out of a 2 yr. relationship that didn't end well. I don't want to make the same mistakes by choosing the same type of man that I've dated in the past. The men in the past come on strong and say they love me but later it turns out that they are liars. I am 47 yrs. old and been divorced for 15 yrs. Can you help me decide if this new man is the one for me.
Hey, Jane!
I have a quick question. I've been seeing a guy for only a couple of weeks, but we've met many times already. He seems to really like me and it seems like it could get serious with us some day. One night when he was drunk, he told me he was scared I was taking this too seriously. It was hard to figure out just what he meant. I asked him if he was only in this for sex and having fun. He assured me that he was not, he just didn't want anything to hurt me. We agreed this was quite early for such a serious conversation, and he understood that I wasn't in as deep as he was afraid. Since then we've been just like before, and we've been great. Whenever I doubt him or feel insecure about myself, he assures me in the most amazing way, that I have nothing to worry about.
The question is; do I? How should I interpret it when he acts like he is just as (or even more!) serious than me, but then says something like he did?
He doesn't want to hurt you but is afraid he might, Ellie. That's something of a red flag for me, because he's already making sure to set your expectations low. I think you sense this, too because you're doubting him or feeling insecure about yourself. You may be on the insecure side, but clearly there's something being triggered in you. This would be my cue to slow it down, to take your time to really get to know him to see if he's even on your same page. Two weeks isn't much time to get to know someone, and one of the biggest signs of someone who isn't in it for the long run, is someone who wants to speed things and tell you everything you want to hear in the beginning because he's not sure if he's going to be there for the rest. Trust your gut instincts here; you always know more than you think you do!
I confronted him a couple of days after I read this, and you were absolutely right, Jane. And I really hate that, because I wanted this to work. I guess that's why I was ignoring my own fear. I don't know how I'm ever going to find someone who wants to be with me, it seems kind of hopeless. Wish I was as good at this as you!
Oh you will, Ellie, because this is exactly how you get there. By finding out what's real and what isn't. Your truth starts to move in where the simply wanting it to work even if it wasn't workable for you, used to be. This is exactly why we ignore our own fears! You always know, but you have to want to know! Don't fight this. It's going to take you somewhere you couldn't otherwise have gone if you weren't willing to see, to be proven wrong in the first place. Trust yourself; trust the process. If there wasn't something more for you, you wouldn't be here at all.
Hi Kate,
I found your website today and they are really great articles. Thank you!
I wanted to share my story and ask for direction. I know I may receive a lot of criticism for what I will share. But maybe there's a woman out there like me that would understand.
Just before I asked for a divorce, I met a man. Well, I had met him a couple of times before, but this time we were able to chat and get to know each other over a shared loathing of a infamous mouse hosted playplace.
"Short story" is that we fell hard for each other. In my 37 years, I had not known this kind of passion, love, friendship and fun with another man. He felt the same. But a couple months in, he backed off. Texts were slower, shorter. Then finally said he "can't commit". This was heart wrenching.
Not FOR this man, but because I knew that happiness was out there for me, and I felt I had been given courage to find it...I left my husband (after 4 years of him never touching me). He (the man, not my husband) would text me every so often. We saw each other again about 2months after we "broke up". He missed me, he missed us. We saw each other and had sex. I told him I couldn't be this side piece for him. But he still couldn't commit.
2more months go by. 3 weeks ago a song plays that instantly hit a nerve and thought only of him...within 30mins he text me, first pleasantries and then later apologizing for hurting me. I am the most amazing woman he's ever known and it kills him that he can't get out of his own way with his issues to be with me. I said we should probably lose each other's numbers and he said I can't do that - I won't do that.
Yesterday. After spending the previous night crying about how I missed him, how I needed him. I text a friend and said "I need to text him. I need him." She said to stay strong. 11 minutes later, his name is on my phone. (punch to the gut) Text about his daughter (our daughters are in school together). Which then after that...he said "I drove by your house. twice." I asked why. He just said "i don't know". I invited him to meet me (with the kids) to chat. He did. He said he didn't mean to play head games with me. He can't stop thinking about me, he misses me. He said that he is just afraid and can't deal with the impending and certain issues that come from blending our lives (extended families, exes, providing for us - even though I have a very successful career). Which all, admittedly WOULD be large stresses. He's afraid he can't do it. He's "messed up, been hurt, trying to work on it"
Why does he find "excuses" to text me? Why can't he just stop texting me?
I am so in love with him. I feel it from him to. The way he looks at me, hugs me.
Am I just a consolation prize? I don't feel he's being malicious, but he doesn't want to commit. And even after months of not speaking, he finds a way to come back in and even before I hear from him, I'm devastated to be with him.
Is there any help that someone could offer?
I would be willing to answer any questions that I had to skip over due to trying not to bore the hell out of all of you.
Hi jen. There's a million things I could say here. But I'll say what I have learned from Jane.
Is this push and pull thing working for you? Do you feel like this is ok for you? Stop thinking about him for some time and focus on you, your life. I bet this is not what you'd like. He's showing you what he's about. He likes the good thing of being with you: a good woman, emotional support, Sex, friendship and you're giving him all this without getting anything in return. He has it good, that's why he texts you. That's why he doesn't want to lose you. He's "needy" because he's "broken, messed up and has issues". He doesn't love you. He only likes what he gets from you and without much effort. What about you? What about your dreams and what you deserve?
When a man tells you he doesn't want to or can't commit, believe him and walk away. It's not about what he wants or says. This is your life. If this is hurting you, it's your job to cut the cord without any consideration and do the best thing for yourself.
You deserve a lot more than crumbs. Find within you what it is that's keeping you holding on to someone who's not willing to honor and love you the way you want to be loved. Once you find out what your core unmet need, go about meeting it with other people, activities and with yourself.
That way you'll break free from this. Push and pull is always toxic. The longer you stay, the more it'll chip away at your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. There's someone better out there for you. Believe it.
Angel, I really can't thank you enough for your reply. I know it was a bit of a long shot to get a response. I've definitely read all of your words before...and you're right. I know you're right. It's so hard to see what's so obvious when you're heart is stuck in the past. I've read a few more of Jane's articles and that has helped too.
Accept, accept, accept. I have to accept the way that he is, is the way that he is. Nothing I say, or don't say, will change that. He won't want me like I want him to again. He did...and now doesn't.
And to paraphrase Baby's line from Dirty Dancing "I'm scare of living my whole life and never feeling the way I feel with I'm with you (or him)" In all of 38years, I've never felt like that. And I've started dating...and it just seems I'm always comparing them to him.
But you're right - there has to be something inside of me that is not allowing me to let go completely of him. Now, I should say that I'm not the one that reaches out to him...but damn, it still hurts like hell after all this time. But last night, your words did help me. Helped me to relax and get back on the track of not getting sucked back in. The other problem...we see each other off and on (like tonight) because our kids are in school together. It just sucks having a broken heart.
I know. I've been there, feeling like crap because they didn't care about me. Feeling like there was something wrong with me because they couldn't love me. I went on 28 years of my life having the same story happening over and over again, till the last time I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to fix myself but as it turns out I found out what it truly was that kept me in that dark place: my beliefs and unmet needs.
I have a good father who, like many other didn't know how to connect with me emotionally. A father I grew up "worshipping " and trying to please. No feeling of emotional safety, love and support. My father adores me, God bless him, but he loved me in a way that wasn't healthy. He didn't see me or accept me for who I was. He was so scared of me going the wrong way that he went about moulding me into what he thought I should be, but I always fell short of his ideals. I grew up feeling scared, lonely and emotionally avoidant. I was bullied a lot as well so I thought I wasn't attractive and I wasn't good enough. I had no self-esteem, no sense of self-worth let alone respect and love for myself. As a result, I kept recreating the same dynamic with the men I was attracted to. Men who said upfront "I don't want a relationship" "I'm not ready", "I can't commit". Men who, like my own father, didn't see me, for who I always fell short, for who I wasn't good enough. I was good as a filler gal, but never as a girlfriend. They ended up finding one and dropping me always. I overgave, I performed to be chosen, I had no opinions, I was always the supportive, understanding, always there silly sidekick who, if they could, got even sex from.
I was devastated about 10 times. Different men, same story.
Realizing all this, reading Jane's blog and other people's materials allowed me to see this and replace my old beliefs: "Love conquers all" "If I stick around and show him how great I am, how loving and sweet I am, he'll change his mind" "I'm just not attractive" "No one can love me as I am, I have to be different and look different" "if he doesn't want me, it's because there's something wrong with me ", "If I am loving, caring and understanding, he'll come to care about me the same way". I replaced all those ineffective, detrimental beliefs with self respect, with discovering that I am good enough even with all my flaws, that I am valuable, that my life is my own and it's my responsibility to teach men how to treat me. And most importantly: it's not about any man and not about manipulating anyone into loving me. That's right: all that giving is manipulative. It's not healthy.
I've been healing a lot and even though I still have miles to go, I feel much better. I choose different men now. And I know I choose.
Find out what's keeping you stuck here and find your voice and strength. No matter if your kids go to the same school. You have the strength to cut him loose and make the decision to not play this game where he uses you any longer. But you have to want to end it. You have to want it and be resolved.
You can do this, Jen. I promise you have it in you.
Hang in there and keep coming here. We all support you.
Hugs.
We're all human here, Jen. This is a community where we can all be real, be heard, be understood. Welcome! He showed you a different way; he gave you hope when you had none. He held up a mirror and you saw yourself like you'd never seen yourself before. We can live - and love - for a long, long time on someone's potential. You're not anyone's consolation prize. You're not anything that you don't choose to be. This is what works for him, that's all. It's not personal. It's him, giving you what he's capable of and that's as much as he can. He texts you, he reaches out to you because he wants to - and because he can. My question for you; what works for you?
Thank you Jane for your response. I saw him (as I knew I would) again yesterday.
He admitted that the "logistics, money, dealing with extended family" issues were really all just excuses. He is still texting me this morning. Something inside tells me not to let him go - but again, at what cost? I want him. Simply. I've been dating and no one is him. Nice enough but always falling short. I either have to (as per one of your articles) accept this and ride it out by making my own rules, or just tell him that I want more from him and if he's not capable of giving that to me, we shouldn't talk. But that doesn't give me any part of him. I have a great life. I am not looking to rush into moving in together, or even getting married. I have friends that say "let him go, don't say another word to him" and others that think "you guys keep coming back to each other"...and no, we aren't sleeping with each other. He told me that we aren't capable of just being fwb because there's too much of an emotional connection. Ugh...this is so heartbreaking and frustrating.
I have been with this guy for almost a year in a 'FWB relationship.' He has been hurt in the past, but that is BS. If he cared about me then the caring and trust would overpower the doubt in his mind. Well it hasn't. All excuses. He doesn't care about me anymore than the man in the moon. I realize that now. But hard to move on, cause I care a great deal about him. Tried to prove i am not like any other woman he's known, but it has fallen on deaf ears. Can't get through to him. I am worth way more than this BS. Weird thing is he keeps coming back,, tells me he's not using me, introduced me to fanily, not seeing anyone else, is extremely affectionate, but won' t commit to even a girlfriend status, so confused. I know I deserve more, but he is all that I want in a man. Please help me.
Friends with benefits rarely if ever lead to commitment. He has everything good with no effort. Why should he commit?
The issue here is you thinking you need to prove anything to anyone. Why? The answer to that question will lead you lots of places if you're honest with yourself.
We are never meant to rescue anyone nor prove anything to anyone. We can only choose someone who already sees us and loves us and shows us and commits to us. Any man who's not fitting that is a waste of time and if you let him, a huge lesson for you to learn. We cannot change anyone. We can only change ourselves.
Hi Jane I have been with the most loving and caring man the last 2and half years. He is committed in every way except for the most important part of asking me to Mary him and never told me he loves me. He would show he loves me in action, but not in words. When I tried to talk to him about commitment he said he wants to and asks me to be a little patient with him....the first talk we had was 5 months a go( not to mention he has been leaving with me the last 6 months) the fact he never said I love you really bothers me. I recently told him I love him and his response was "I Know" and a long hug... As far as meeting family and friends I have met every single one of them and everyone knows we are in a relationship. We are so compatible and always have a great time together, but lately I have been feeling very insecure about where the relationship is going and really thinking about breaking up, but afraid I would regret it... Please advise?
Hi Jane,
So I started dating this guy my senior year of high school and he was a junior. We went to California but I am originally from idaho. Anyway we dated my whole senior year and I was offered a really great job in idaho and I figured the living costs plus that job would be better for me. Me and him loved each other a lot and didn't want to end our relationship so we decided to do long distance. We have been doing long distance from June all they way up to now. The long distance wasn't hard and we weren't struggling. Of course we argued a little more often and got a little more jealous but all in all it was working. Well recently he mentioned taking a break. He said the distance was getting to him and all we did was fight and he wouldn't handle it. He asked for a break in February until I could visit him in March and we could talk about our relationship. I really didn't want to do it, because I don't believe in breaks. But he constantly told me he was doing it to help us. So March I went to cali and saw him and he said he wants to marry me but we are too young right now. ( which I agree) but he said he didn't want a girlfriend right now. He said he wanted to be single for a couple years while he was in the police academy so he could do something for himself abd bit have to worry about me. He went on to say that he WILL marry me in the and that he loves me. he said he we are friends that live each other and he is visiting me this summer and We will keep talking and everything. Well I was going to move down to California and go to school in the fall so he changed his mind about waiting two years. He said two years was too long but if I could be closer to him then he get back together with my at the end of summer. It still breaks my heart tho that he can't wait just this summer. I feel like I'm only good for him out of convenience. So my question is. Should I wait all this summer for him? Do I keep talking to him and seeing him? I feel used that way but I can't get myself to ignore him. Idk how to get him to change his mind and realize how much I'm worth it. I'm also scared that he wants to do this so he can live the single life and pick up girls without feeling guilty or bad. Idk how to go about this whole thing. Wait? Act like I don't care? Leave completely? (Which is hard with all the promises he gave me)
i am a single mum aged 23 i had a child when graduating from college.I have no relationship going on with my baby father for a long tym. i later decided to go in2 a relationship then i had feelings with friend who understood evrything. WE STARTED DATING THEN I NOTICED A SLIGHT CHANG IN HIS ATTITUDE , I ASKED HIM WHAT IT IS, HE SAID HIS FAMILY WOULD NEVA AGREE TO HIM GETTING MARRIED TO A SINGLE MUM.I WAS DOWN AND SAD BCOS IN MY COUNTRY PARENTS HAVE A HUGE SAY IN WHO WE GET MARRIED TO.I DECIDED TO GO ON WITH THE HOPE THAT LATER ON HEMIGHT CHANGE HIS MIND AND BE ABLE TO CONVINCE HIS PARENTS. BUT EVRYTYM I ASK HE TELLS ME THERE IS NO WAY WE CAN GET MARRIED.I LUV HM ALOT AND AV BEEN THINKING I DESERVE BETTER BUT I CANT LEAVE HIM BCOS I KNW HE LVS ME IN HIS OWN WAY BUT STIL I WANT A COMMITED MAN.YOUR MESSAGES HAV BIN HELPING ME TILL NAU BUT RYT NAU AM BREKING DWN BCOS I PROMISED MYSLF NOT 2 LV ANY1 D WAY I LVD MY BABY'S DAD.BT I DO LV HIM AND I AM BEGINNING TO LUK AT MYSLF AS A FOOL WHO LUVS WRNG MEN ALWAYS AND GT HRT ALL D TYM. I NID U TO HELP ME.WHATS THE RIGHT THING AND THE NEXT STEP
Hi Renee. I'm so sorry about your breakup. I can only imagine how sad you must be feeling.
It sucks to want to and have so much to give to someone who just isn't open to receiving it.
As Jane always tells us, you can only do what works for you. You listen to your own intuition and do what's best for you.
As for him, he's his own person and he has to decide for himself what he wants. Sadly we cannot make anyone do or want to do something they don't want to or can't do. If he is going to be with you, it has to come from him. He has to show you and come find you. He has left and there's not much you can do about it. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman who is doing the best in life and a man who is right for you will be there by your side. I know this might be difficult to digest, but I really hope you get to see your own wonderful path to happiness.
Lots of love
I want to thank you so much for this great post. It is very enlightening. I was just dumped a week ago and he didn't say specifically that it was because he has a fear of commitment or being in love, but I know this to be true. His reasoning was that he just felt that he's too depressed and in too low a place in his life that he can't be in a relationship. He doesn't want to weigh me down and he doesn't want to give me a "half-assed" version of himself. My ex has had some terrible relationships in the past and his most recent before me was very crushing for him. He loved her a lot and I think she cheated on him while they were together. It has made him bitter and resentful about love and relationships. He's scared of feeling attached to someone again.
He made his decision to break up with me very hastily while I was mentioning other things about our relationship. He emotionally shut down and told me he couldn't be with me anymore. He told me he didn't want it, but he couldn't do it anymore. I messaged him later asking if he didn't want some time to think about it. I said at least think about it for a few weeks and then let's talk about it. I wanted him to make this decision when he wasn't feeling too emotional and when his mind was clearer. His answer could still be the same when I speak to him again and I'll accept that, but I want to discuss his fears about committing and about love. You mention that if he was really hurt before or betrayed in past relationships, he might not want to be in a committed relationship. What can I do to help him with these fears? What can I say to him that will make him want to give our relationship a chance?
Hi Jane,
Thank you for this post. I am in a kind of messed up situation right now, still not sure what to do but your article might help a bit. I am living in a foreign country (planned to stay here until beginning of 2016). Four month ago I got to know a guy. He seemed to be seriously interested, asked me if I would stay for him if he was the right guy. So I assumed for him it´s a serious thing, who wouldn´t? We are living 400 km apart. From the beginning on it was difficult to see each other, because he was always busy (job, studies, band, and several hobbies). So we actually until now met 3 times after we got to know, and it was only I had to stay in his City for different purpose. The last weeks I felt like that it isn’t as serious with us as I thought that he just wants to have sex/fun and that´s it. So I thought I will have to bring up this conversation soon. After we met the last time, two weeks ago we said we are going to try to see each other this weekend. So I planned to bring up this conversation then. But he was the first bringing up this topic. Last week he sent me a message, asking me if I want this long distance fun thing or if I am rather looking for a boyfriend, who is there for me because, he can´t be always there since he is so busy right now. He also said he doesn´t want to string me along or hurt me. Although he thinks what we are having is great but we there is no time for us doing what we want. I replied, that I don´t know, how to continue and that I am looking for a boyfriend/committed relationship. But I also have been thinking about rather starting something not serious (but that was before I met him) because I still want to go back home. But I am also afraid of getting hurt when he has fun with others and that I get caught in the hope that he finally wants to commit. I told him that we rather should talk by Skype about this, also to prevent misunderstandings. He agreed and we said we want to skype 3 days later. That day, when I asked him when to skype, he told me he is sorry, but he can´t he is busy. But we will do it next day. The next day, nothing....before I went to bed, I sent him a message, that I think that I don´t deserve such a behaviour and he just should say if he doesn´t want to talk. He replied late night/early morning, saying that he just came home, he is so sorry, he wants to talk with me but things are just so stressful. He said i will talk to you tomorrow (I was actually not sure which day/tomorrow he meant, but decided I will see that in the evening). I didn´t get a call from him that evening. So the next morning I decided that I can´t wait anymore and just wanted to tell him what I want and see if he also wants it. So I told him, that I don´t want a fun thing, that I want something exclusive and I looking for a committed relationship and that I can´t just have a fun thing with him. And I asked if he wants the same. He answered that he do want a relationship but due to the long distance and his current situation with having time he don´t know if this can work and asked me how this can work or even last (I actually didn´t expected this and was like "yay!!!). So I replied that I think we should try to meet in the next weeks to talk about it, that I understand his concerns and also don´t know if it will work but I want to try. So I thought, that now everything is going to be fine...it looked like he actually also wants a relationship, just has some (reasonable) worries. But then everything went bad....he replied that he really don´t know if this can work, he has no time and he really don´t think that it can work out for us for now since he has so much on the plate the next month. I thought about it and as I know that he actually is really busy I kind of understood his opinion. And he said for now, but also that he wants it. So I told him to be able to wait for 1-2 month to get through this rough time and then we can get back to this topic. It took quite a while for until I got the reply (still no talk on the phone over this, because he was busy...). Then he said, he don´t know if it only will be 1 month because he don´t know what’s coming up next. He suggested just being friends with benefits for now and reassessing the relationship topic in a few months, because he can´t make any promise. So I asked him, but that means that you can still date others and have sex with others. And he said, no you got me wrong, I don´t have the time for others in my life and sex is the last thing I am thinking about...So I said ok, but even you have no time, the option for a ONS might come up, and I can´t handle it if you would go for it. If it would be exclusive friends with benefit then I would think about it. He said, but I don´t want to commit to anything or agree to anything because that would make certain things serious and that he doesn’t want right now. Not because he doesn´t want just because he can´t. And he also wrote he doesn´t get what I am on to with that being exclusive etc but he won´t commit. I explained him again what I meant (just go for the friendship+ now but being exclusive, meaning: no others, not at all and then have the option to talk about being in a relationship again). I also asked him again to rather talk on the phone than chatting about it. Since that, no answer...I don´t know, maybe he is thinking it trough (but I actually don´t understand why-if the situation would be different and he had time and could commit he would have to be exclusive as well....) or maybe he was just not honest with me and saying he wants to be in a relationship was actually just a lie...it drives me crazy, that I don´t know, what’s going on. On the one hand there is still the hope that he will commit in a few months and go for the exclusivity now. On the other hand I think I maybe should just move on....because if he would be serious about it, he would try to prevent loosing me by this....I am really afraid of getting caught in the hope of getting into a relationship with him but it might never happen because he is not telling me the truth and just wants to string me along...what do you think, can you give me an advise?
Cyan, from where I am sitting this is extremely clear: he's not that into you. When a man is interested, he calls, he texts, he shows up, he pursues, he MAKES time. And he was honest: all over your post he's telling you he doesn't want to commit to you and please DON'T do the friends with benefits thing. You'll end up heart broken. Move on. Cut contact with him altogether and off you go to live your life and find someone else. This one isn't the one and he has been telling you from the get go. Listen!!! And believe him when he says he doesn't want anything serious. Friends with benefits won't bring any man to commitment. The opposite will happen. Please get out now before it's too painful.
Thank you Angel for your post! I guess you are right. And I think deep inside I feel the same. It´s just not easy to let go. The hope is there because first he told me he wants to be in a relationship and then only one day later he goes to "no relationship"....But I have to move on...Cut off the contact....AND if he really wanted a relationship, he would not let this happen...
Men can have a strong sense of self which is why they will try to get what they want from you without regarding your feelings. Be responsible for your well being and feelings. Don't leave it up to him. There's a big risk he takes advantage.
Yes, I think that´s true and I guess it was the only reason why first saying he wanted to be in a relationship....I have to set my boundaries! And don´t let him play with me or take advantage! Same with any other man in future. Thanks!
So true, Angel. Thank you for jumping in here! 🙂
Trust your gut instincts here, Cyan. When someone tells you he's too busy, too tired, and letting you know he doesn't know if he can give you the time or energy of a relationship, he's telling you more about who he is and what he's looking for. This is information for you to use, not to drive you crazy because you can't pin him down with what it all means, but for you to use to decide if this is what you want. Is it? Can you live like this? Because a relationship and the terms of that relationship is only as complicated as someone allows it to be. Don't take any of his behavior or what he's doing personally! This isn't about you, it's about him and his own confusion. That's what you're picking up on. That's why it feels so crazy! It's because it doesn't make sense that someone who wants to be with you - who wants a relationship with you - would act like this. They wouldn't. It's because you want it to be different than what you're sensing it is that you're confused.
Take back your own power here, Cyan, and you'll find everything becomes simpler and more clear to you. Draw your own line in the sand. Decide what you want because you do know deep down inside what that is, and then stick to it. A woman who is confident enough to know who she is, what she wants and refuses to settle for anything less, is the most attractive kind of woman in the world!
Thank you Jane for your comment! You are right, deep inside I know what I want, and that´s NOT this! There would be nothing in it for me in this relationship and I would be always just hoping that it gets more or better....but it won´t. And I deserve so much more, because I have so much to give but also expect to get it back.
And it´s true, it is his own story and confusion, why acting like this. I know that he has been in two long relationships a few years ago. He got hurt quite bad and now (he didn´t tell me that, I got that information from someone else) he wants to just enjoy life to the fullest without letting someone bring him to not do only what he wants. I guess he is trying to protect himself, not ready for a new relationship with all the responsibility and care about each other that comes with it. But I won´t change him or his situation. It´s only him who can change things and views.
So I will move on...
I just want to say that your blog is great! Thank you! And it really helps to get a view from outside (of course I talked to friends, men and woman, but I got mixed responses and advises).
Thank you, Cyan. I'm so glad this helped and you're seeing this all so much more clearly - and especially what you want and don't want - and recognizing it's NOT this! This is exactly how you get your power back - by realizing you're the one doing the choosing and this isn't even what you want in the first place. You're so welcome!
Jane I have been in a relationship for 9 years that hasn't went anywhere he is a widow I am divorced I am 59 he is 67 he lives less than 5 minutes from me every night he has an excuse not to see me gym basketball going to his office all he wants to do is talk on the phone and then when he's ready to see me he'll make the move I don't need a phone buddy I need a relationship and I want to get married he doesn't take me out unless there's an occasion a party a christening and engagement or wedding other than that we go to the diner for a hamburger what Dunkin Donuts I asked him to come over and watch TV and I'll cook or order something and he doesn't have the time because he has to go play basketball then the gym then his office then he has to get his coffee and smoking pot he doesn't find the time even to sit with me and watch TV I am alone every night he doesn't sleep over unless on this Saturday he'll stay 2 hours will have sex and then he will leave I don't know what to do anymore I'm still very attractive but I just don't want to start all over so I put up with his nonsense it's all about him he is very selfish doesn't help me in the house he doesn't help me with food shopping he doesn't ever offer to throw my garbage out bring any pills right in front of him if I have to get groceries and I'm with him I will make 4 trips and he will not help me up the steps bringing up my bags I don't even know what I need him for other than holiday dinners weddings and other occasions I need to get rid of him and move on what is your opinion
This sounds almost exactly like the situation I am currently going through, almost to the point where I am wondering if it is the same person! I traveled to a different country to see this guy after meeting him on vacation, and we spent a little over 2 weeks together. He told me I was one of the best things to happen to him and that we can make this long distance thing work, as well as suggested we stay monogamous. I told him I would move closer to be with him. The visit went fantastic, and everything just seemed to be right. He then told me he wants to come see me, but doesn't know if he wants a relationship now, and doesn't want to commit to anything because he has so much going on. He even retracted the monogamy thing. I tried to play by his rules, but have finally told him I cannot do it and I am moving on. I unfriended him on Facebook and deleted all his contact info. I did everything for this guy, and he has done nothing to keep me from moving on. It is horribly painful, but way better than hanging around just waiting for someone to possibly one day think I'm worth the time and energy to commit to. Part of me is hoping he will realize the mistake he made and make an effort, but I know how unlikely that probably is. It really does sounds like the same guy... unless this crap is common for guys to say.
Exactly, Penny. "But way better than hanging around just waiting for someone to possibly one day think I'm worth the time and energy to commit to" - Way, way better.
Penny, I am so sorry that you have to go through this! I know, it´s so painful! I am also still sometimes hoping that he will realize what big mistake he did and will try to fight me back...but just sometimes and I am pretty sure that´s not going to happen. You are so right saying that it´s better to stop it now than rather stay and hope all the time. It´s the first step on the right path, realizing that you are so much more worth and deserve so much more! It´s hard, but getting better step by step. And I am sure one day we will find the guy, who will value us just the way we are. I wish you all strength to go through this! And I am also wondering if it is the same guy...your story is so similar...it actually wouldn´t surprise me 😉
i have been dating a guy for 5 weeks, been out 12 times w/a couple of overnights. we met online and his profile is still active. i deleted mine because i was sick of the in box messages and found someone (him) that i really liked. now 5 weeks later i will be meeting his kids and going to a family gathering soon but he is still online. he actually messaged a friend asking if she wanted to chat and that she was the only woman he was talking to. she didnt answer him. we get along great and have fun together. he says hes not dating/sleeping with anyone else but why is he still online? should i have her make a date with him and me show up? what do i do?
Here's my story: I met my BF online about 6 months after a horrendous (18 yrs, his midlife crisis) breakup. He was dreamguy in so many ways, the most handsome guy I've ever connected with and built like a superhero, head to toe. He was also really old-fashioned and incredibly sweet and good hearted, and we did everything together, all week and every weekend. I was torn because I needed me time after that 18 year thing but he was so wonderful I couldn't resist. He was also amazing in bed wanted sex all the time. He kept his studio but ended up basically staying with me all the time (once in a while I'd go to his place). But, he had problems: his family was a mess: he was the only one of his numerous brothers who would (financially) take care of Mom and his two stuck-at-home grown brothers. He bought her a house and pays their cell phone bills and only she works, part time. He even lived in his car for a while before I met him just to pay for their expenses. Now he has a suit-job and hates the job but is sticking with it because of his perceived responsibilities to the family. The poor guy is a super sweetheart and says he loves me but we stopped having sex and I have to remind him to be physically affectionate. I asked him many different ways what was wrong with me or us and all his answers are vague and confused, like "I just can't forget some things that you've said in the past" or "I am just not myself. I'm really stressed out." As you can imagine, at first I took this all very personally and thought there was something wrong with *me,* and I keep wanting to go over whatever those "things" are he can't forget but I don't because he's so stressed out and I don't want to add to that. I did all this transformational self improvement and lost 15 pounds (a lot for me) and got really in shape and started a blog and ... well, you know, *took care of myself*!!. Now he stays at his place about 2 or 3 times a week and I never know if he wants togetherness or apartness, at the end of the workday or for the weekend. I'm a real active "do everything" kind of person so this is really impractical because I can't plan anything, and it is killing my social life (although he rather sweetly encourages me to go make my own plans all the time). I just don't feel like spending time with our mutual friends and being all weird, and when I go "do my own thing," its fun but feels like a battle to make the best of things and underneath it all I really miss him and wish he was there. On top of it, thanks to all my work on myself, the world of hot eligible men is beating a path to my door. They approach me in droves and many of them are way more qualified than him (although not as hot). The prospect of dating them makes me actually feel like barfing because... I guess I really gave my heart to him and when I see him... it just melts and I feel sorry for him and... want him want him want him no matter what and I don't care about his stupid career I just love him. And he's still so hot. Even though he is trapped in a messy situation and not really fixing it. Boy what a dumb story huh? OK so my question is, is it better for me to be patient and loving with him and let him figure out his shit and take what I can get from the relationship for now, or should I play the bitch card and dump him because I'm worth more than this? I don't want to increase his pain right now, and I am so happy when he's around...but I don't want my low self esteem to take me down and turn me into a doormat. Not being um ahem "wanted" sexually is really bad for me. I should mention I just turned 40. :/
Hi Jane,
I have been reading your posts for a while now and all of your words ring so true to me. My situation is so complicated but not an unfamiliar story at all. I met this guy about a year and a half ago when he was finishing his last year in college and I had a year and a half left. I was very hesitant about this guy in the beginning but the more we hung out the more we found that we really enjoyed each others company and not just in a superficial way either. I love his sense of humor and we are really comfortable around each other, more so than I have been with anyone else in my entire life. He is 26 and I'm 22 and we have both never had a serious relationship with anyone. The entire time I've known him we have never had set boundaries on our relationship and it really started to take a toll on me because I was really falling in love with this guy and it felt like our on again off again relationship was not at the same level as my feelings for him. When he graduated from college he moved around and although we have always stayed in contact it has always been sporadic and very much on his terms. We tried to be fully committed to each other around this time a little over a year ago but it really back fired on us. My self esteem was really really low by then and I did not trust him at all. I believe to have good reason not to trust him at that time but I also admittedly was not being the most honest person to him either. I am not foolish enough to use this as a way to excuse his lack of commitment to me but I also know the part I have played in this relationship dynamic. We have had many issues and fights regarding him not trusting me and me not trusting him. It got to the point last year where it was just all too much for me so i made the decision to end it with him. He was very upset and contacted me after a while and we started talking again. During this time things were better and it seemed that we were making progress, we talked every day and we were semi-formulating plans for when I graduated college. Something that has always been an issue for him was the fact that I've dealt with substance abuse issues and around this time I regressed back into some unhealthy old habits and things started going down hill for us again. He always bounces around from place to place and during this time he decided to go out of the state to live with his grandparents and make some money. He just left without us really even discussing it and I was left feeling really confused and hurt. Again after a while of us semi-talking I made the decision to call it quits again because it seemed like this was just an on going emotional roller coaster ride for me and I couldn't take it anymore. I told him this and he said that he didn't know how he could fix it and that he thought us talking a little was better than us not talking at all. But I didn't agree with that--I needed to try to move on with my life. I started dating this new man that showed me all the stability that he never did but admittedly that was not fair for this new guy because I haven't healed from the original guy. Things were going well but I always thought of the other man. He tried to contact me a couple times throughout the past couple months and got really upset when he finally found out I wasn't single. Basically the new relationship didn't last because I have not processed my feelings for the other guy completely and I called the original guy again about a month ago. He is still out of the state working for his grandparents and wont be back for another month. But we will both be living in the same area after that. I am so terribly confused as to give him another chance? When he talk it feels so comfortable and pleasant but then I remember all the negative feelings of our relationship in the past and it makes me so sad that I could never put myself through that pain again. I am just so confused as to what to do? I know he cares about me more than he has anyone else becuase he has told me this and I can feel it from him but he has also proven to be very emotionally distant and unavailable, especially because he seems to always go from place to place. I also am hesitant because he has proven to only do things on his terms and I'm afraid to even try again because I know that it could very well just not work out anyways. When I told him this a while ago he said he didn't know how else to be at this point so I just don't know. Am I being blinded by hope? I love him but I am at a point where i can not engage in self destructing relationship cycles anymore so I just dont know what to do. Any insight would be so much appreciated!! I'm really stuck here and an indecisive mind cant move forward!!
I met a guy on a online dating site in 2012 we talk online, texted and Skyped non stop. After 3 months we decided we really wanted to meet to see how things would be in person, since we really vibe with one another. He was divorced from an 8 yr marriage for 3 yes now. He flew to visit me and it was the best week ever for both of us. Two months later I went to visit him and my visit wasn't as magically now I'm seeing how emotionally withdrawn he is and how he avoids dealing with anything real
elated to emotion. He would do things such as play the silent treatment game which I would admit I too was guilty of that from time to time. But when we would start back talking he would asked as if nothing happened to cause it, where I would like to discuss to resolve the issues. Long story short I couldn't handle his lack of emotion I felt like I was in a emotional relationship with my self, I often cried a lot the relationship was so draining for me. So after 8 months I breakup with him, he disclosed his longtime battle with depression. I expressed that he needed to seek help and for a year and and a half although we were not in a relationship I was still there for him. I notice the therapy was effective he was dealing with her shocking divorce that literally took him by surprise and left him devastated and that he didn't want to go through that again......so long story short he asked to come visit which was a magical trip like the very first one, he really planned everything well for me but he's still unable to tell me how he feels. He states he knows that he not crazy but he just can't be in a relationship and he doesn't know why. I was once again in the same situation. We talked a little about his feelings and how his mother didn't raise him and how he's father was every there for him. He wants to be loved but can't give it in return and can never find the words he goes mute. He tells me that no one has ever cared for him I do and that he knows that I'm not here to hurt him......but I feel like if that's so why can't you love me and open up about his feelings your. Instead your choosing to be depressed alone and unhappy.......I can't waste anymore time on this man because it's too many uncertainty and I'm the only one being hurt because I express my feelings. I know I deserve someone who gonna not only accept my love but allow themselves to give it in return. I've been beaten a dead horse and I'm tired of putting forward all the effort. I'm grieving him now and I've reached my max amt of tears with him.
Be so proud of yourself for seeing this so clearly, Caramel, for recognizing what you can and can't live with any longer and still love yourself. You're in touch with yourself, with your limits, with your reality and that is no small thing. Now you can grieve, you can feel, you can accept that you deserve so much more than this with someone who will be on the same page as you, but for right now, just be with you. When you've reached your limit like this, you realize that you can't do this for him, he has to do it for himself. And then you are free.
I know it's the right thing to do but it just hurts like hell, I've deleted him out my life completely and I sure he doesn't even know why but will. I expressed my needs and wants thousands of times and just 2 weeks ago sent him a book about self realization and how your childhood experiences with parenting or lack of can cause issues that you unknowingly carry into your adult hood. Pics of our good times and the memories we created together. He liked the package and said he's willing to read the book and we talked about therapy but idk. What did it for me Jane was when I took a very important test and he knew how important this exam was too me the anxiety leading up to the day. I failed the exam and I called him and texted him with his disappointing news. ......I got nothing from him a call the next day......He wasn't there for me and it hurt me deeply bc I've always been there for him even when we weren't together. I felt like he avoid the situation initially bc he didn't know what to say but that's unacceptable, when I fall I know someone to be there to pick me up and tell me everything will be alright and not wait until the smoke has cleared. Never once did he say I'm sorry I know how much that meant to you and his one call didn't even leave a voice mail. It texted twice hello are you okay after the fact a day late and a dollar short. Another text hello beautiful and he just doesn't get it. What it means to be there for someone, after the let down I just never replied or answered bc I just don't think he has it in him to be the man I need him to be. He never been all in and I can't fix him or help him without being hurt so I know it's what's best but I feeling are still strong for him. I guess if it's meant to be it will have to be all on him.
We started talking again but now I am more depressed than ever. He told me he wants to move forward with someone else. I have never been more devastated. How could he spend months telling me he wasn't
at a point where he could be in a relationship then jump so freely into a relationship with someone else
? I can't get any answer for how things changed between us. Nothing ever changed for me and he is still the only one for me. Right now I am prepared to quit my job if the hours were the problem but he won't
let me know why things changed
Hey me and my guy is going out now for 4 years this past week i wanted to know does he sees a future for us let me just mention hes divorced now for 5 years he tells me he sees a future but theres some issues he needs clear he didnt come to terms with with hes ex wife i mean its 5 years now and then he got mad and sayed lets get married and he mention the date they got married please i need help am i wasting my time my heart is so sore
Hey me and my guy is going out now for 4 years this past week i wanted to does he sees a future for us let me just mentiom hes divorced now for 5 years he tells me he sees a future but theres some issues he needs clear he didnt come to terms with with hes ex wife i mean its 5 years now and then he got mad and sayed lets get married and he mention the date they got married please i need help am i wasting my time my heart is so sore
Hi, Shannon. You won't end up alone. You deserve the relationship you would like. Just try to find out why you're attracted to these men. There's always a pattern and there's always a reason. I recently started finding out lots about myself because even though I moved to another country away from home and with an opposing culture, I ended up in the same horrible place: into a man who doesn't want anything from me and who can't give me what I want. That's when I had enough and started looking for answers. Jane's blog and course started me on a journey of self discovery. I realize that we are the ones who have been choosing these men, they don't just happen to cross our paths. There's a lot to dive into and now I think I know why I have been falling for these men. It is always the same: I meet him, we get along great, I become attracted to him and then he says I just like you as a friend. And off he is with other girls, while I stick around and he crosses the friend line by making me his rebound girl or his plan B. I end up feeling miserable, unloved, like I'm not good enough. It all makes sense now that I have discovered my childhood situation and I see it in a whole bright light and funny enough: I'm afraid of commitment as well. I didn't even know that!! It's all fears and false beliefs. At least I know now that I am not finding anyone because there's clutter in my mind getting in the way. Not because I'm ugly or unworthy or not good enough or because I look this way or that way or because I say or do anything. All of us are beautiful, perfect as we are and we're all worthy of every bit of goodness in the universe. We just have to go on a scavanger hunt to figure out why we're feeling so sad and trust me: it has nothing to do with these men. They are just a symptom of a much deeper story. Find your story, find yourself in all areas of your life. Do you honestly like what you're doing? Or are you doing it to impress someone else? Why do you want a man in your life? These are questions that are powerful and only you know the answer, the real answer. It takes honesty with ourselves. Of course you don't need to answer them here, the answers are just for yourself. I'll share mine: I was doing an MBA and I thought that is what I wanted but I discovered it's not. I was doing it for the sake of prestige, because it "made sense" since I already hold a degree. I realized it was not what I wanted at all and I didn't even know that, so I quit. I feel extremely relieved. I'm off to pursuing other dreams I didn't even know I had! I wanted a man to feel validated, to feel I could make it happen for myself because deep down I didn't believe I could. Lots of childhood baggage I hadn't even looked into. It takes courage and time to examine your life and to realize you are wonderful and amazing and there's nothing wrong with you. It's our mindset. Work on your mindset and things will all fall into place, little by little. Lots of love to you, Shannon. That amazing man is looking for you, get ready for him.
Thank you so much for the uplifting words of encouragement. I truthfully want to give my future children a loving, supportive home with two parents who love them greatly and each other. I have resisted the temptation to contact him today despite being uncertain what the results of my tests for the pain in my chest. I just feel like any additional stress or pain from him would be overwhelming. He still hasn't reached out to me. I have to accept the only logical solution: he really doesn't care. This causes even more pain. I have always known I have bad timing but this takes the cake. Who gets a mass in their chest during a breakup. I am just going to focus on healing myself. Although if he were to contact me it would be very difficult to hide my appreciation. I tend to associate pain with love because I had to do this at a young age. My mom walked out on us for s wealthy mortgage company owner and I often found myself wondering why she didn't care for me. Despite numerous rejections I still appreciated the few times a year she would be present. This sounds like the same problem in the relationship. I have learned to downplay the pain in search of love and acceptance from an early age. A habit difficult to break
I know, those are tough to break, but they are not impossible. You can do this. Being aware of what's going on gives you the tools you need to get out of the cycle. You deserve better. Debunk that belief love=pain. It is not true. Time to find yourself and be free. Big hug.
We started talking again but now I am more depressed than ever. He told me he wants to move forward with someone else. I have never been more devastated. How could he spend months telling me he wasn't
at a point where he could be in a relationship then jump so freely into a relationship with someone else
? I can't get any answer for how things changed between us. Nothing ever changed for me and he is still the only one for me. Right now I am prepared to quit my job if the hours were the problem but he won't
let me know why things changed
Hi Shannon. I know this is going to be hard to read, but it is quite simple: he didn't want a relationship with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful and worth every bit of love there is in the universe, he just didn't see the amazing things you have. He can't give you the love you deserve. You don't need him to explain. It doesn't matter what he thinks or what his reasons were. I know it is devastating, I have been in your exact same situation, and it hurt beyond comprehension. But believe me: he gave you the freedom to find yourself and someone who can give you what you want. You deserve true loce, you deserve to be appreciated and adored. Feel the pain now, be with it. Go through the process and I promise you that the sooner you break all contact with him, the better you will see and feel. Lots of love to you.
I found this post very helpful in attempting to deal with my current situation. For the past few months I have been in a relationship with a guy who experienced the tragic death of a parent. Even though we both worked long hours we still made time to talk and see each other whenever possible. However, now things are so confusing. We made plans to meet up and then he wanted me to leave. I asked him whether it was something I had said or done but he wouldn't give me an answer. He's very particular about time but I told him I had to drive my other car because my battery light was on and I would be there as soon as I could. The next day he asked if I was upset. I told him just confused and we made plans to meet up again. Long story short those plans fell through. The last time I contacted him he said he is unavailable. He's not at a point in his life where he can be in a serious relationship. I don't want to just walk away from a guy just because he is hurting right now and needs time to breathe. I feel like this is the exact time I should be there for him the most. He really is a kind, considerate man with a stable career and goals. Its so hard for me to let go because I feel like he is the one but he just needs time to grieve. I talked him through the funeral and I know he's hurting. I don't want anyone else because I honestly know he's the one for me. Even though we've had problems I have turned down every other offer because I am committed to him and making it work. Now its gotten worse and he seems annoyed even when I text. I know this is so dysfunctional but how can I measure his behavior based off of normal standards when he's clearly dealing with a lot. Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
You don't deserve that kind of treatment, no matter what the person is going through. Think of yourself. Why try to fix someone or wait around for them if they get mad at you for even trying to be there? Every time you do that, you abandon yourself. You hurt the little girl inside you. It won't make you a great woman to do that to a child, will it? He won't see how wonderful you are and you will end up wasting time. You think he is the one but you are in love with his potential, not the reality of what is right now. Only you know what feels right to you, but please know you have infinite value and worth. You deserve to be loved by someone who will show you that in more ways than one. Don't keep an amazing man waiting only because you are in love with the potential of someone who is not giving you what you need and deserve.
Lots of love to you. You are beautiful and amazing. Don't hurt yourself.
Thank you so much for your advice. I do find myself trying to make excuses for his behavior or telling myself once he works through his grief things will be better. I have to admit the potential is so great with him it makes it difficult to consider options. Its so difficult to meet other guys I might be interested in with my long hours that I definitely feel he is my best chance at happiness. He checks all the boxes on the checklist but I constantly find myself wondering which version of him I will get each day. Will he be excited to tell me about his day and the next time we can spend time together or will he feel annoyed and tell me he's busy? I almost feel like I am in a relationship with two different people. I am walking on egg shells not to upset him. He never wanted to talk to me again b/c it took me too long to text him back even though I was driving. I know he clearly has temperament issues but he has never been physically abusive. I think he is just so used to having things his way due to his privileged background, OCD, or just beingcontrolling. I can never find out because he is so private about his family even though I have offered to have him join me and my family on outings. In the same breath he wants to make sure I am OK, worries about my work hours, and tells me he feels awful not being able to join me and my family. I am prepared to go to counseling to try to make things work but I have been too worried to even bring up the idea in fear he will be so offended he will want to end everything, again. At least twice a week he pulls away anytime I care too much. I even offered to stay over just so we could spend more time together. He told me he didn't feel comfortable with that. When I assured him I wasn't trying to move in I just wanted to spend more time with him things were back to normal. I just feel like whatever experience he has had in other relationships has caused him to build a wall I am tired of trying to break down. Not to mention the tragic loss. Not that everything was perfect before then, but we talked every 5 minutes even while working. Afterwards things changed dramatically. Its like he refuses to let me in. I told him I was in the ER with pains due to a mass in my chest and would need more testing next week. He still hasn't responded. If he doesn't soon I will have to just walk away. Its just too painful to combine physical and emotional pain.
Take a look at this video, see if it helps you find out more about yourself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk6SoSnIzDM
From what you write, I am not exactly sure why you see potential in this person. You say he is kind yet he's not being kind to you. He shows all the signs of a person who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. When you feel someone who loves you and wants you, there's nothing you can do wrong. It is not about you taking long to answer a text message. He's looking for excuses.
Don't put your beautiful self in that situation, walking on eggshells? That's not what real love feels like. You don't have to work this hard. You don't have to tear down anyone's built up walls. Walls come down once the creator decides to break them down. There's nothing you can do about that. The only person you have control over is you. Take loving care of yourself. Think of yourself as the little girl you once were and try to be the best mother you can be for that child. Make her happy and healthy. Live your life, walk away and find out what wonderful things are happening around you. If he wants to be with you, he knows where to find you and he will let you know; if not, he wasn't right for you and you release yourself from all this heartache. It is easier said than done, I know because I have been where you are and right now I am sort of trying to find my way out of a crappy situation as well. But we can get through this and get ourselves out of it.
Lots of love to you, Shannon.
I appreciated the video. For some reason the wanted add sounded very familiar. I have to admit I will be staying away from relationships for a while to maintain my sanity. I spent five months doing the right thing and not letting a guy I truly had feelings for know because he was happy and in a committed relationship with his girlfriend, even discussing the possibility of marriage. I loved and respected myself enough not to be the other woman and I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy with his girlfriend, despite knowing she was too controlling and would ultimately make his life miserable. We were just friends but she decided they both needed career changes and she forced him to leave his job. He agreed to stay in touch but said he couldn't call because he didn't want to upset her. I haven't heard from him since despite trying to catch up every now and then. So I moved past this situation and tried to move forward with this situation. Everything was so great in the beginning I even pictured our wedding and children. Despite my best efforts things have changed with no explanation from him. For some reason only guys I have no romantic interest or will ever have interest for seem to have no problem finding interest in me. They're either too boring, too dangerous, I won't say unattractive, but I'm just not physically attracted to them, or they don't have stable careers. I am at the age where I want to get married and start a family. I just can't do that with someone I am not attracted to. Even though this guy displays jerk like tendencies quite often I can't help my attraction to him. Its like I meet him for the first time every time I see him. He has said being with him gives him the best feeling ever. I just don't understand why he suddenly decided he's at a point in his life where he feels he can't be in a relationship. I feel like he's depressed but just won't admit it. Either way constantly dealing with this roller coaster has caused me the stress of three relationships.
At this point I feel like I will never find the right man. I will either be stuck with the emotionally unavailable guy I am physically attracted to or the caring, considerate guy with the personality of a speed bump. A nice balance would be great but for some reason I always get the extremes, no grey areas. I feel I deserve to be in a relationship with a man who is capable of expressing his love to me, not in a relationship, and physically attractive. Its just too hard to find him working over 60 hours a week. I would quit my job, but much like this relationship I've worked hard for months to make it work and become Manager. I feel I will eventually have to make this decision anyway before I end up alone period.
Hi Daniela.
It hurts me beyond comprehension to read what you just wrote, because I've been there.
You feel confused because you want to hold on to hope. You want so badly to believe that he'll come around and it saddens me to say that he won't. Of course he doesn't want you to walk away. He has it good as it is. But what about you? What do you honestly want for yourself? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you couldeet someone who wanted you as you are and who wanted to give you the loving, amazing relationship you deserve? I'm afraid by you staying longer waiting for this guy who clearly is not right for you, you keep the man who will love you waiting.
Choose between this guy and yourself. Choose yourself. You are more deserving of the love you have to give.
I understand your pain and situation because I have been there far too many times to count. But I have also learned that we're inflicting this damage on ourselves by not choosing to walk away. Lots of love to you and an enormous hug.
Thank you so much for replying, it really means a lot to me. It hurts hearing what you have said, though I know I must move on, I just don't know how having him here like a boyfriend without being one. I feel like my strength is gone to tell him to distance himself as I don't want him too. I do have false hope and so much of it. What would his reason be for being here the way he is and not moving on himself? He says he still thinks about the miscarriage and after that he knew he defiantly didn't want a girlfriend. Does he not realise what we have now is basically a relationship, minus the physical contact? Sometimes I feel he has the urge but doesn't go through with it. I think the worst part is that he hasn't done anything wrong for me to hate him. The night I first laid my eyes on him I said to the girls "that's my future husband I will marry him" it was 3 months later after seeing him every weekend I finally had the courage to speak to him, god I even said to him what my words were to my friends that night and not even that scared him away he just laughed and said "you're crazy". I feel so deeply that he is the one for me. But if your advice is to forget him and he won't come around I'll listen if it's going to protect me
Do what you need to do or desire, what you honestly feel you would like to do. We can all give you advice based on our experience and I do it with all the love in the world for you even if I do not know you. I feel your pain because I know exactly what you are going through. At the end of the day, you do what is best to you and come to realizations at your own pace and in your own time. Follow your inner voice, your intuition. That is your best friend.
My guess is he stays around either out of guilt or because he feels as if leaving you after what you went through is wrong. He might be in a stage of his life in which he doesn't know himself what he truly wants, but if he wanted you, you wouldn't be in this situation and you wouldn't be in so much pain. He said from the beginning he doesn't want a relationship. He knows he can't give you what you want.
Keep those words in mind. Ask yourself if it's really worth feeling so much pain waiting for something that may never come. You are beautiful, you are complete, you are amazing and you deserve nothing but love and happiness. Be loving to yourself and do what is the best thing to do for your own self.
One thing I will tell you is: this too shall pass. The faster you drcide to stop suffering, the sooner you'll be ok again.
Big hug.
Hi Daniela
What a story! You remind me of myself when I am confused and kind of lost..
You get into this mood "i will lose him"!
Let me tell you what I know. If he cares & wants to date & build trust, companionship..
He knows where you eat and sleep. He will come and talk to you.
But you got to be open. When you are frightend( you sound like that)
You can make him run away.
So if u have not told him yet the truth & what you expect of him! I would say...
Go and ask for it..( what do u want from him!?) But know that the truth can be harsh..
He can say "no" or some negative stuff. But don't be afraid.
Just remember love is kind. Love is when you feel safe, calm and joyfull.
Not all the time offcourse. But I think that is true love.
Relationship & having one is not always that easy. But again it should not be
Confusing, stressing, playing mindgames...
When a man hooks up with you to make love. And is not that into you or not
Kind/loving. Then you already know, he is not there for your heart.. He just wants fun &
Relaxing.
You sound to me the type that wants real commitment. Who is gentle And caring.
That is very good.. To me that shows you have a warm heart.
Don't let you heart get cold, just because of all this. It happend to you. It is
Nobody fault.
Good luck & choose always love. Love is kind!
You women are absolutely amazing, you have managed to lift my spirits up and make me feel a little stronger. Thank you I couldn't thank you enough. It's so nice to finally be able to speak to people that can give true and caring advice. I will make sure to keep you all updated if there are further changes. A massive heart felt thank you. All the best sending love, hugs and kisses
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk6SoSnIzDM
Take a look at this video. It definitely sheds light into this whole ordeal of dating or being attracted to the wrong person.
Great link Angel!
It is the truth..
Your welcome Daniela! Remember it is our/mine opinion, because i look
At it from my view/window. What you choose or do is always yours. It is not stupid
Or weird. As Jane said and many others.. You do at a moment what you think it is best.
I believe we all want hapinness. Love is part of hapinness.
I only hope that you do what's healthy for you and what makes you happy in the long term.
I hope this for all human beings.
Dating and being with a partner that don't do you good. Will not bring
Hapinness! It will suck all the positive out of you! So be carefull!
Hug back! Sometimes I wish we ladies lived in same hood, we could cheer
Eachother up! So in a virtual way, we do it like this through Jane. Blessed she be!
Bless you!
Hi there! I need some advice... I was seeing a guy for a month things were great but he said he didn't want a girlfriend and he was happy with his life..... until.... I fell pregnant... Then the physical contact stopped. He was there by my side every single day, was very suportive of me and what my decision would be, but said he wasn't ready to have a baby... We are both 27 years old. I ended up miscarriaging and still he stayed by my side every day. It's been 4 months since we have physically been together but yet every day he is still around. To help deal with my miscarriage I decided to buy a puppy. He was with me the day I got the puppy and has taken the dog on like his own son. He now comes 2-3 times a day and stays for hours on end. He msgs me when he's not around, tells me when he is going out most of the time etc... The other night I finally had the courage to ask him if things will go back to the way they used to be or should I turn the page. He told me to turn the page and move on. I asked him if he has been with anyone since me, and his reply was not long after I had the miscarraige he hooked up with a girl on a drunken night but couldn't go through with anything and nothing happened. I'm from Australia and now live in Italy, so after the conversation the other night I told him I will have to go back to Australia because I can't deal with the memories. He told me he doesn't want me to leave and then said if I go back for Christmas for a holiday he will think about coming with me. He still hangs out here and sits there with his arm wrapped around me, kisses my head,
Hugs me all the time but still nothing.... Me my dog and him are like a family without being a family. I tell him he is my dogs father and his response is always no I'm his older brother, I love him so much. He said him being around every day wouldn't make it easy on me to move on and I agreed with him but then he said if you want me to stop I will but I don't want you to say that. I'm so confused and don't know what to do! Can anyone help me out here?
Sorry let me just add, his ex girlfriend cheated on him with his friend. After that they tried for 2 years to fix things but it didn't work out.... I believe it fully ended last year
Hello Jane,
My name is Steva. I meet this man @ work 4mos. ago. 2 mo's ago I approached him and told him I liked him.
He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I told him I felt he was worth waiting for. Well, we have been fooling around for the past 2mos, @ first he was coming around a lot and calling or txting to c how I was doing. Now the only time we talk is @ work and I'm the one reaching out to him..half the time he doesn't answer my text, but wants to be n my face @ work. When I ask him if he wants me to back off, he says no. I felt that he was starting to like me and that he's running from his feelings. I'm a lil confused about the whole thing. I feel sad when I tell him I done cause that's not what I really want. Please help my confused mind, with some of your sound advise.
Thank you,
Confused Steva.
I have been seeing a man for the past six months whom I've known for over a dozen years. At the outset he said we were not monogamous. He said he had been in an on again/off again relationship with a woman for over six years. He said she is loud and emotional. He said he'd like to break it off with her but wants the idea of the breakup to come from her. I think he might be stalling. Should I give him a time frame or give him his walking papers? He said she had threatened him and he doesn't want me to become involved with the mess. What should I do? I love this man so deeply it hits knowing he is sleeping with her while I'm home by myself.
It sounds like he has some specific requirements that he's putting in between you and him, Dee. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Only you know what he's worth to you, but you deserve someone who wants to be with you, not someone who has all these reasons why he can't be with you. The bigger question to ask yourself is why you "love this man knowing he's sleeping with her while I'm home by myself"? Real love doesn't treat you like that, or allow you to do this to yourself.
Hi Angel,
I can understand how it can be hard to open up to men, especially if you were not able to with your own dad. Also, It is good that you are recognizing guys who are not a good fit for you, so now you can stay away from them. I think the best thing is to work on loving yourself and getting to know yourself and think about what exactly it is that you want in a relationship. Imagine the qualities that you desire in a guy and then work on those qualities in yourself. For instance if you want someone who is honest, really focus on being honest yourself. You will find that you will start recognizing and attracting the kind of guy who is good for you. I hope this helps. You are a beautiful person and will attract the man of your dreams when you are both ready:)
Thank you, Kate for your kind words. I just feel so vulnerable right now as I recently walked away from a guy that ended up being just one of those you need to avoid. It was too much for my self-esteem. I am trying to get back up again, but sometimes I just fall. I know and can see clearly now how he really is not great at all... he has serious issues. But I can't help feeling sad, somehow defeated. I hope this passes quickly and I also hope I can continue to work on myself without shutting down... quite frankly, I find it hard now not to shut down.
I have hope though, that when the time is right, I will find a man who loves me as I am and who I can love the same way.
You're welcome, Angel:)
I know how it is to feel so vulnerable after leaving a guy who you know is the kind to avoid. It definately can leave you feeling sad and defeated. Funny how those "bad boys" can have such a hold on us. We must learn to release them and not give them any power over us. We deserve so much more. Just imagine how great it will be when you are with a terrrific guy who let's you know that he is interested in you and respects you and is kind and caring and still turns you on:) That great guy is out there for you...in the meantime...know that your sad feelings will pass, even if it seems like they never will. Know that there are always supportive people in your life to help you through the tough times. Just buckle up and ride that amazing roller coaster called life! It has it's ups and downs and you are ready for some ups!
OMG! I just realized that all those men I chased after had twisted if any relationship with their fathers!
That is a huge thing! I kept thinking all these guys were different, but now I see they are exactly the same with different names and packaging, slightly different lifestyles, but at the core the exact same thing!!
Yet another thing to watch out for.
I do think sometimes though, that it is very difficult for me to open up to men, especially because most men I meet, even if they are just acquaintances, end up being influenced by the same things. It seems so hard to spot one that's healthy. I tend to shut down after I've been hurt, and I feel so scared someone will hurt me, I do not open up at all. How can I work on this?
That was the same epiphany I had, Angel. The missing "link" that tied them all together. It is huge to see that kind of a consistent pattern! How you can work on this is by not getting yourself so emotionally involved too soon. It's when you remember that you're the one doing the choosing, that you don't know if someone's even a possible candidate for what you're looking for, so you keep your own strong boundaries and keep your stories and those intimate parts of you close to you and you share only as much of yourself as you would with someone who you've just met, who you're only beginning to get to know. We can have such a pattern of putting someone on a pedestal before we even know if they're worthy of being with us on any kind of level.
When you live like this, you don't have to be scared of someone hurting you because you don't put out too much of yourself prematurely, even if it's in your own mind. You keep yourself separated enough until they've proven themselves worthy of you opening up a little more to them, and it happens gradually as you take your time to get to know them. You're not here to convince anyone of your worth; the ones who are right for you and belong in your life will know as they get to know you better, too.
I need your help. I really like this guy, he's 21 and I'm 19. I met him in school and we began dating and messing around for 3 months then after pressuring him to take it to the next level, he finally asked me out which was a big step for him since he didn't want a relationship because "he had always been hurt". We broke up after a month right before he turned 21 because of my trust issues but kept seeing each other and messing around. Recently, we've gone on dates and we see each other every so often but when we do, we can't keep our hands off each other, he'll kiss me on my forehead, will be sweet and we'll act like we're in a relationship BUT when I brought up being exclusive he said he couldn't do it and that he would flirt with other girls but wouldn't take it past that because he's 21 and needs to live and such. I didn't want to hold him back and have him do something he didn't want to, I mean I'm the only one he's seeing but I want him to commit eventually. The day I brought up being exclusive he told me he's been dealing with a lot of things since his step dad passed away and going out and having fun was his way of dealing with his death. It could've just been an excuse so I wouldn't leave but I don't know what to do anymore because my biggest fear is that it might go far with one of the girls he's talking to or that he'll never commit and i'll eventually become old news... please help
On top of all that, when we broke up he said he couldn't have feelings for me, yet when I try leaving he always says he likes me and cares about me and like I said, when we're together we act like a couple.. its been 9 months since he came into my life and i don't get why he says he can't have feelings for me but acts like he does. I feel like no one wants to be with anyone they don't want to be with but the fact that he doesn't commit even just as exclusive friends with benefits confirms he doesn't care
You don't ever need to pressure someone into a relationship with you, Selena. Someone who's truly right for you - and on the same page and wanting the same thing - will choose to be with you all on his own! That's what you deserve and it's how people act when they want to be with someone. They don't have excuses, they don't have reasons that leave you wondering if they're only excuses, they don't leave you second-guessing everything or wondering what's going on . They care enough to make sure you know.
Believe what he's telling you when he says he couldn't have feelings for you, and that he didn't want a relationship and that he wants his freedom. It's so easy for someone to simply respond when you're already there and when you're the one doing all the initiating and all the work in a relationship. It's when you give him some space that you find out what he really wants by whether he comes closer by picking up the sack and initiating things with you, or whether he's content with that space.
Whatever he does, this is about him and not you, so don't take any of his behavior personally. We're not here to make anyone love us, we're here to see who's truly compatible with us and take our time to really get to know someone before we decide they're worth our time and energy and love. You're the one doing the choosing, Selena. Remember that. And if he can be swayed by one of the girls he's talking to, then you'll know for sure that he's not the one because someone who's right for you, will only want to be with you. It's how you'll know.
You have your whole beautiful life ahead of you. Your twenties are for getting to know who you are and then deciding what you're looking for in someone before making any quick judgments on whether someone is all that. What matters now will be different from what seems to matter now, and if you're looking for the real thing, there's no rush. Over time, when you know more about who you are and what you're looking for, it will happen naturally on its own. That's the kind of love you want. Not the kind you have to manipulate or "make" happen. Remembering that will help you in so many ways!
As I write this my heart is breaking and I am constantly reminding myself I have done the right thing in ending my relationsip of 2 1/2 years. In that time I have ended it before 3 times because he wouldn't tell his family and friends about me, because after promising me he would take baby steps to get our relationship to a 'normal' status, I know now he doesn't love me....can't love me because he either just doesn't or is just too scared to. All I know for certain is that being with him makes me feel bad about myself. I have no doubt in his fidelity. I have no doubt that he wants me. But to be told I want no-one else but you, and I care so much for you isn't enough. I am his emotional support, his friend, his lover but he to the world he leads his life as a single man. Although he did make two huge steps this year by telling his two young adult sons and taking me to meet his senile mother in her nursing home, he has embroiled his sons into the secrecy and we are no further forward. He has two failed relationships behind him.....he now feels a failure and doesn't want to fail again. I he is in no doubt about how much I love him but he won't heal while he is with me. The saddest thing for me is by my letting him go will give him the chance to self-heal hopefully, and he can go on to have a healthy relationship and find love with someone else. That breaks my heart. But i need to be loved by the man I am with. I don't deserve anything less so I have said goodbye to the loveliest man I have ever met. I have hurt him in the process. Two very sad people now who perhaps might have made each other very happy. Life is too short to settle for things ......I keep reminding myself of that. Thank you for your article.
I'm glad this article helped with what you're going through, Joy. Sometimes it helps to remember that you're the one in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel that way. It doesn't have to be so final unless you want it to be. You can change your mind, you can still talk to him, you can do whatever you need to do for you. There are no rules to relationships and love and letting go and moving on. It's a dance that follows more of a two step forward, one step back pattern than anything else. But how you feel and what you need to do for you is the most important thing!
"All I know for certain is that being with him makes me feel bad about myself." Explore that, peel away the layers of your words to find out what that's all about for you and I think you'll find some peace to all this. Relationships grow us, they force us to see things that we often wouldn't otherwise see, and if you can look at it this way, it can help you get through this. And remember that it always takes two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other - and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - to make a real relationship work. When you can see that for what it is, it becomes less mired in emotion and more in the practical reality of "what is", not what we want it to be or what it could be. I hope this helps!
Thanks for your reply 🙂 but at the moment nothing helps. Being resolute one minute and making the right decision for yourself in the long term is just followed by so much pain of losing him. But thank you .
Hi,
I'm going through a situation with a guy I've been seeing for two months now. He is recently divorced, about 6 months ago. He was married for 30 years, and his ex left him for another man. He and I met online, and got along amazingly well. I had never met anyone like him before. He fell for me so quickly, and told me everything I've always wanted to hear. He wanted me to start moving my stuff into his home soon, and we were already talking about getting married one day. He introduced me to his family and friends right away, and everything was falling right into place.... Then suddenly his ex discovered he had a girlfriend (Me), and she wouldn't leave him alone. Suddenly she started calling and texting him all the time, crying on the phone, she made excuses to go to the house to see him, she was manipulating him to get what she wanted from him. She has been diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline personality. Suddenly, since she came back into the picture, it has caused tension between him and me. His texts and calls have become very limited. I'm usually the one that initiates the texts. He says repeatedly he doesn't want her back, and is now saying that he feels like she has doing him a favor because his bills are cheaper, electric, water, etc. So, in the meantime I'm thinking what is he saying about me ever moving in with him. He was so into me for the first 3 weeks of our relationship, and now I hardly ever see him, or rarely hear from him, usually only on the weekends, maybe. He told me a few weeks ago he wanted to slow things down, and make sure I was what he wanted.... I really enjoy the time we do have together, but I just wonder if I'm wasting my time.....
The best way to tell if you're only wasting your time with someone is to stop being the one doing the initiating and give him some space and see what he does with it. If he fills in that space by coming to you, and picking up the initiating slack, you'll know where he wants to be. If he doesn't, you'll know he's glad for the space. It's not uncommon for someone to move fast in the beginning and then back off or disappear like he's not the same person, but don't take it personally. This is always about him - and his comfort level - and never about you. You're not here to convince anyone of your worth; if it's meant to be and he wants it to be, you'll always know!
Hi Jane, I need some advise,I've been married for 22 yrs, my husband is 18 years older then I, eight months ago I made the mistake of pursuing a guy I've know for over 30 yrs the attraction was strong. I knew he was divorced the problem is that his ex wife was under going heart surgery and his mother in law asked him to move back in and take care of the ex.now I find myself in love with this man we have great conversations and enjoy each others company immensely .problem is that we always manage to talk about our families but never of our relationship.three months into the relationship he said he's commiting himself to me,six months later I asked him what are his plans or intentions for me and he feels he's content with the way things are between us I on the other hand want more.yes my marriage is over not because of my affair but because we simply grew apart no one knows of the secret I hold with in.what should I DO? wait to see if he text me ?or should I just give up and walk away?I'm truly in love..trying to heal a broken heart although this happened yesterday I'm going crazy missing him.
So I met this guy and we were/are both going through a divorce. He was in love with his wife, however, I cannot describe how awful she treated him, but he stayed until finally he had enough, but he is definitely scarred from this experience. Not to mention scarred from a previous relationship of three years. We started off as friends with benefits, but of course I started having feelings for this guy and he for me. So now we consider ourselves dating/boyfriend-girlfriend. However, he is confusing and I don't like confusion. I dealt with a lot of confusion in my marriage and I don't want to deal with it anymore. For the fourth time, last night being the fourth, he has said that he loves me but doesn't know that he is ready for a serious relationship. So for the fourth time I said let's take a break. Of course twice before when I said this I initiated conversation within a couple of days and on another occasion he asked me to wait and I told him I couldn't and he immediately wanted me back in his life. So last night I said let’s take a break and he acts as though he doesn’t because his comment is “if you want to”. I know he really likes me even probably loves me by his actions. I know he is scarred from his previous relationships so I try and give him the benefit of the doubt. And he is reading up on how to become emotionally available because he wants to be. My problem is should I just not make any contact with him and let him contact me (which is what I told him last night) or should I be there for him as a friend and cut out all the love talk, sex, etc. I just don’t want to be selfish when he is clearly struggling and trying to help himself and then on top of that I pull away. Please give me some advice.
He's leaving this all up to you, Misty, because he doesn't know what he wants and what he can give you. So it's so much easier for him to let you decide what you want to do and then leave it up to you. So you're not going to get his input here on your decision; it has to come from you. When you can become clear with yourself on what you can and can't live with, then the back and forth pattern will no longer exist. Don't worry about him; he's an adult and he knows what he can and can't live with, too. Give him some space to be himself while you do what you want to do for you. Don't make this anymore complicated than it needs to be. If you want to contact him, contact him. If you want to let him contact you, then stick with that.
You say you don't like confusion, but it sounds like this is exactly what you have; more confusion. If you can become less confused yourself here, I have a feeling that this pattern of confusion in your relationships will go away. You have every right to be strong in your own choices and decisions and in what you want for your life, Misty. In fact, being clear and focusing on yourself regardless of what someone else wants you to be or uses against you, is anything but selfish! I hope this helps you see what may be underlying your feelings here; if you need more clarity, just let me know 🙂
Hello, I have been roaming the internet looking for answers and came across this article. I have a 22 month old daughter and a man who is gone the moment he wakes up until the moment we go to sleep. We are young, going on 20 and hes 21. We live with my mom, im in college. He is a bit slow, can not keep a job. He works on cars and junk with his dad this whole time hes gone. His dad is on disability and social security. When he doesn't go with his dad his dad gets all lonely and depressed. He insists on Bryans company pretty much 12 hours a day or more. He is a good father, She loves him and goes with him sometimes. He does things for her and there is no problem what so ever in the father department. But he is just gone all the time. He doesn't do anything nice for me to make me feel special or anything. I feel so distant from him. But I love him with all my heart. im mad at him all day while hes gone, but when he comes home I just cant stay mad at him. But he keeps repeating the actions. My mom has a business which I offered for him to do but he still is gone constantly. We have this argument every day and he says hes gonna be better but never is. I love him with all my heart but I am miserable. He says he loves me more than anything. I feel like I don't get any love I feel lonely and useless. I have tried to leave many times but I just cant do it. Plus my daughter loves him to death. I am forever linked to him through my daughter and it would be hard to leave him having to constantly see him for my daughter. I honestly don't want to leave him and feel as if I cant leave him. I LOVE HIM! I just want to be happy. and I am never happy. I don't know what to do!!!! I keep looking for answers but I am lost!
Jane, Thank you for your time and energy that you give to this blog.
I recently ended a relationship with a non-committal guy!
I have been loving myself, enjoying my life and moving forward. I have not looked
back. Ladies, We WILL survive! Ladies, You are beautiful and there is a wonderful man
that will love you unconditionally. I send healing, peace and happiness to you all!!
I'm so glad you're enjoying these, Angel; you're so very welcome! Your beautiful words speak so clearly from the heart of where you've been and the place you now stand without looking back. To all!
Thank you for the encouragement Angel. I was just able to speak the truth about what I am willing to accept in a relationship yesterday. the next step is ending it and walking away. Healing peace and happiness back at you! 🙂
I have just been mopping about the internet for inspiration and soothing words and have several times found your articles... your warmth and wisdom is just lovely and accurate and I love how you have been here and done that. I am 40 this year and have never experienced a long lasting healthy happy relationship. I have chosen the wrong partners every time... finally I meet the man of my dreams who ticks every box... but when we hit a bumpy patch after ten months of total loving he dumped me. I have spent the last six months waiting for him.... going back, hearing love, declaring love, healing, letting go, reuniting.... it has just gone on. He is 20 years older than me and in the last 25 years he has had a succession of short term relationships... the longest was three years and they broke up 3 times. I didnt twig to this until the day he dumped me... how ridiculous is that! I thought love could overcome. Now he wants me to wait for a couple of months while he does therapy ( which is great for him... yes deep issues with his father) ... still "loving each other and being together" just not committed. I think I am just in the initial days of pain as we had spent four nights together this past week on a romantic holiday... but i was clear that by the end of the holiday we had to walk away from it either committed together or our separate ways. I guess what my mother says is true ... "just get on with your life..... count your blessings.... there are so many" just feel so sad that he was without doubt the closest man to my dream man and now i am alone all over again. I know i am projecting on to him a man that doesnt exist.... because if he was who I thought we would be together. Argghhhh the mysteries of life... I so wish that I could learn a lesson from being loved... it seems to be lessons around the tough things in life.... finding my own strength to overcome rejection, or learning to be in charge of my life instead of dictated by abusive or controlling people, or learning to say no to people who want to be with me as a loose connection, learning to trust that the universe will provide me with a loving healthy committed relationship with my dream man, or learning amidst hard times to count my blessings and realising my cup is full
actually these are all good lessons to learn. I guess when I have found that relationship and dream man look back and feel happy that time and experiences werent wasted.... trust.
I know exactly how done we can be with learning any more lessons, Rose, but I hope you can see how huge this is that you have such insight to be able to see that "I am projecting on to him a man that doesn't exist.... because if he was who I thought we would be together." That is no small thing to see that reality!
And these things you're learning - to find your own strength to see rejection for what it is and not what your programming would have you believing it to be, to have the confidence to say no, to trust in yourself and the universe - and the biggest one of all - to recognize that love cannot conquer anything without both people in a relationship wanting it to, these are the truths that are never too late to learn, that change everything once you see them like you are!
The best is still to come; the lessons you learn from being loved will be there, too, just as surely as we learn the ones we most need to learn. They are never, ever wasted, because it is because of them that we're able to see what we might not otherwise be capable of seeing. See this turning 40 as a celebration, Rose, of you, of life, of all these lessons learned. We are only ever as old as we allow ourselves to be!
Thank you beautiful Jane. Your words for me like for so many others are comforting, soothing, illuminating and inspiring. Yes I will celebrate all that I have done and been and felt and learnt. Collectively as women we are slowly reclaiming our power through these tests, trials and tribulation with relationships... every act of individual self empowerment is adding to the team's power.
And for now until the time comes to experience a loving committed long term relationship with my dream man I will just trust it will happen in good time and enjoy what I do have inside and out. Warmest regards and many thanks
You're so welcome, Rose. And yes, that's exactly what we're doing here!
Hi, I am having some thoughts and confusion. I met this guy online last September. I dont think we both knew what we were looking for at the time. He was hurt in his last serious relationship and so was I. We hung out a few times and it was good but we were both busy and I started falling hard and I guess I showed it in more ways than one. I think he thought I wanted to start something serious right that instant and so he backed off. We went through a bump in the road but still talk now every day. We have not had sex ever nor does he pressure me about it. He texts me good night almost every night and if I dont talk to him for a few days he will always text me something to let me know hes there. He has shared some personal things about himself to me such as he sometimes gets anxiety and gets bummed out easily. I understood him and listen and was there for him through some sad stuff. He now calls me often just to say hi or check in, we text throughout the day and laugh almost all the time. I have touched the subject about a relationship after our bump in the road and we had a serious convo a couple months back about being in a committed serious relationship. I think he thought I wanted one from him right away at that time but took it the wrong way, So he backed off for a bit. After we discussed this thoroughly we put everything on the table and he mentioned that he was not looking for/prioritizing a serious relationship right now as one of the things being he could not offer me certain things(I said I also probably could not handle being in a serious relationship at this time) Yes I would eventually one day like one with him but not right away. He also told me a couple times in between that he sees relationship potential in me but is not looking for a committed serious relationship right now in his life. I dont know how to take this. Theres so many things like we havent slept together, he is genuine and honest, he was really hurt by his last girlfriend, I trust him(which is rare I rarely trust guys as I was cheated on), he has a close relationship with his dad, kind heart, smart, very different from other guys, etc. Does he not want a relationship with me ever or is he hurt or is there hope. Do I have a chance? I hope this makes sense as there is so much to this and I just hope I am in this for nothing, and wonder what hes in this for........Thanks hopefully you can give some advice.
Natalie, I'm in the same boat. I met someone I had no intentions of being more than friends with and after talking every day and getting to know him and realizing I like him a lot, we decided we wanted to be more than friends, shortly after he tells me he isn't ready for a relationship now but wants one but has some things he wants to do for himself and wouldn't be able to give me all of him right now like move out ect, we still talk and hang out. He has in the past two weeks got his own place so I pray this is a step in the right direction for me and him. I want to move out on my own and get back in school as well. I pray things go the way we both want them too
As a footnote to my posting above I should also add Jane that I had a bad relationship with my Dad I think he loved me but never showed it and often I felt that he didn't even like me very much. I was very close to my Mum though. Interesting that you mentioned that yourself and I'm sure this has something to do with our relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
It sure does, Dawn; it is always interesting to discover this connection from our earliest relationships with our dads and how it translates into the type of men we attract and find ourselves attracted to. As you say, it's not so much whether or not they loved us, but it's how we felt about their love and how much we felt loved and worth their time and energy that makes all the difference. In a different time and place, when we raise our little boys to express their feelings and show their emotions without being shamed for doing so, they will be able to grow into men and fathers who can freely express their love and emotions to their little girls and begin to break this cycle.
I spent 4 years with a man who I thought loved me, we dated years ago and he dumped me, I was heartbroken and it took me a long time to get over it and I should have learnt from that. We bumped into each other again years later, he pursued me relentlessly, told me that I was 'The One' and he never forgot me. I had always loved him but I was cautious because at the age of 44yrs he had never appeared to have made any real commitment although in long term relationships and still lived with his parents. For the first year he was wonderful I have never felt so loved or special, he even looked at wedding venues for us but then as soon as he realised he had won me over again and I relaxed it seemed that beacuse he felt secure again in my love for him I could almost feel him slowly bailing out emotionally and distancing himself but it was so difficult to pinpoint. I decided to set myself a time limit on how much longer I could wait so that we could discuss a future together and this went on longer than I intended as I was so emotionally involved and still loved him. My self-esteem however started to take a nose dive and I ended up not liking the insecure clingy person I had become. I eventually ended the relationship myself because it was starting to feel one sided. Stupidly I hoped that he would see that he could not live without me and track me down like he did before. That was a year ago and I never heard from him again and it still hurts every day that I clearly didn't ever mean that much to him I was taken in like a fool. The painful lesson I have learnt is as you quite rightly said, always look at their history. If they have a pattern of not committing, especially if they still live with their parents at 30!! or even worse in their 40's & 50's....see the warning signs, don't think that you will be the one to change them. The pattern is already well entrenched. Let's face it, there can't be something wrong with every other girlfriend they ever had and by telling you they haven't met the one yet they are secretly leading you on by getting you to think that you might be the one that can change them. You won't...The problem lies with them.........walk right away as this is a one way street to hurt! Believe me I know.
Thanks for sharing your story, Dawn; when you've been there you understand so much more than anyone else can. We always think we're going to be the ones to change them, even if we don't admit this, but it's there. And as you say, it's only when we understand that you can't, that it's their problem and not anything to do with you, that you find the strength to live your own life the way you deserve. So many of us learn this the hard way, but eventually, we come to see exactly as you did, Dawn, that nothing is worth your you!
I was in the exact situation with a noncommittal man for over 7 years. However, he has dependent on me for the first 5 while trying to get his medical license reinstated. I hung in there thru recovery and rehab and all of the job rejections and requirements of the medical board. His family has been close to me for over 20 years, he and I had been friends during that time as well. We ended up running into each other after we each got divorced.
Slowly he started getting more and more verbally abusive. We are now broken up because the last cussing was so bad that after he went to work I packed up all my stuff and left. I was driving 2 hours a week as I did not quit my job when he relocated. I had no intentions of coming back to him and still haven't as 2 days after we split I heard he was on match.com and in touch with his previous girlfriend. Every time I would bring up something he did with regard to inappropriate conduct he would cuss me out so bad with terrible words telling me that if I didn't change my attitude I could get the --------out and take my stuff with me. I could never prove anything but my instincts were so strong it would wake me from a dead sleep. He constantly pushed every weekend to know exactly what time I was leaving on Sunday and if I talked to him any time after I left he was always hateful. The majority of the time he was so good to me, kind and giving with all of the gifts, trips, dinners at the club, etc., etc. He said for me to get counseling and let him know how it went and then we could discuss things because I need it for me insecurities and he was sorry for "raising his voice" but I am the one that is delusional. I wrote him a long letter and just let him have it about how I had sacrificed the time in my life, my kids and grandkids and all the support/money/time off work to help him, etc., I have not heard anything back and that has been 2 weeks-he now has his big house, big truck and is making $500,000 or more a year-guess I'm not needed anymore. I decided to do no contact after that letter. While we were together I sold my condo and bought a new car and now I regret both of those decisions but I know there is nothing I can do about those choices now.
How can he possibly justify all of this? I am so hurt and so sad as I can't believe after 7 1/2 years a man would just walk away, see other women but in the same breath say "I love you more than anyone I ever loved but we can't live like this until you get help." I can't quit thinking about it all the time. Why in the world would I do all of this for a man that never promised "commitment" just material things. I have done a lot of research and have realized that perhaps I have just been in a narcisstic relationship and was too dumb to realize it. I was a single mom for over 30 years until my 2 daughters were grown and worked 2-3 jobs to accomplish that goal. About ten years ago I was finally able to work just one job and really started enjoying life. I have always been a head strong, confident gal who had her act together. How in the world did I let this happen again after 2 failed marriages - how will I ever learn to stop caring for grown men and focus on me????
By forgiving yourself first, Annette. By recognizing that you're human and you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. We all make mistakes, we all have regrets, but it's in learning to have compassion and love for ourselves in the midst of those "mistakes" that we give ourselves the gift of grace that allows us to begin again. However many times it takes. We learn to stop caring for grown men and focus on ourselves when we understand what we need to do to give ourselves permission to do exactly that.
When we find the story inside us that holds up to these deeply ingrained patterns of behavior. Change doesn't happen overnight, but it does come when we're open to looking within ourselves and giving our own selves what we need and what we're looking for so desperately in someone else. If you haven't already read it, Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie may give you some additional insight into what's going on here. Because it's only when you put the focus on you and take care of yourself first that you'll find yourself able to be a whole person in a relationship with someone else. You deserve nothing less than this.
Thank You. This has helped me so much. I have made some changes that I never thought that I would with him. I've never even brought up that anything was wrong before. However, I feel miserable. I honestly can not even function. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I question my decision. He is in denial and continues to call. Do I answer.....or do I not? Do you have any advice on how to get through this stage? If you decide to break it off but feel like this? Its hard to keep busy and feel happy. I haven't even let my daughter know. This is truly the worst I've ever felt in my life. He was such a huge part of me that I feel terrible.
Do what feels right to you, Jennifer. If you want to answer, if you need to for your own peace of mind, then listen to that, if you need to get stronger, than listen to that. There's no right and wrong here. You can always change your mind if the timing isn't right after all. This isn't about making things harder on ourselves; this is about making decisions on how we want our lives to be, on how we want our loves to be. You're still in control, you're still doing the choosing. Find the support you need, surround yourself with the people, the places, the things that love you and support you. We're not meant to go through any of this alone. And sometimes, it's in letting go that we find out we're not ready to let go. And that's ok, too. This isn't anyone else's life you're living, this is your own. The only person you answer to is you.
Hi Jennifer,
I can so relate to what you are going through. I'm in the same situation. I have dated a guy off and on for 5 years. I have a daughter who is 10. The times that we were split up were so hard. I felt so bad for my daughter as she has never had a father figure in her life other than him. He still will not commit though. He treats us well and is everything I want but no commitment. Whatever happened in your case? You can write to me anytime. Would love to talk to someone in similar situation.
Also, we have talked about this and he has no real answers. So I don't know what to think or what he's afraid of. I think I love him but I definitely don't want to say it. If I leave will he think I'm not interested? Im very confused.
I have waited a long time to reach out about this...PLEASE HELP I love my boyfriend we have been together for a long time. I have a child from a previous relationship. He is the best man I've ever met but he is scared to commit to me and my daughter. He treats me and her so well. We spend time together with our friends and family. He is so good to me and lately offers to help me with her. We laugh and we have fun every time were together. I am included in all of his plans and there are no other women. But he will not commit to a future with me but he also wont let me go. How do I let go of something so close to what I've always wanted? The only thing missing is a possible future together. I don't know if it will happen or not or if Im wasting precious time? My life doesn't revolve around him but I feel pretty lost in where or if this will ever get more serious. I also question why I need it to when everything else is so great. Do I move on and date other potential men or would this make things worse or do I just let things be and hopefully one day he'll commit. PLEASE HELP SOON
You first get clear on what you want, Jennifer, and on what your own terms are in this relationship. It's not going to come from him - he's happy with the way things are - so you're the one who has to make your own decision on what you want for you and your daughter. I know we'd all love to have that crystal ball that can tell us what the future holds, but this is one of those decisions that you have to make for yourself based on the reality of what you know to be true right now. What is being with him worth to you? What are you willing to compromise on in order to have him in your life on his terms, with the level of commitment that he's comfortable with? It's not up to him to let you go, if you really want him to let you go, you'll let yourself go.
It's natural to want that commitment even though everything else is so great, but it's all about what you can live with, what Jennifer can live with and not anyone else. I've found that using a criteria of choosing what brings you the most peace and happiness and the least amount of regrets is helpful as you make your choices. Can you communicate with him? Do you feel like equals or is this more one-sided with him setting the pace of the relationship? Each of us comes to our own place of what we can live with and what we can't, of what having someone in our lives on their own terms instead of ours is worth to us versus not having them in our lives. No one can answer these questions for you, Jennifer. You have to look within yourself and listen to your own gut instincts and hear what the little nudge within you is telling you. Trust yourself that you'll know. You do already.
Thank you so much this is very helpful to me. The nudge within me tells me to go. I feel if he can't commit to me by now there's something holding him back and how will it ever change? But on the other side I feel like if I love him I should be patient. I want him to love me at his own pace not because I'm ready. Do you feel in what I've explained thus far that this is a typical situation and that it's better to move on? I want to make the right decision. What I want for my daughter is someone just like him, who treats me how he treats her and I, who I feel good with every time I'm around and vice versa. This is why it is so hard for me. I can and have talked to him. He just doesn't have an answer right now. I don't want to ruin such a good thing but I don't know what to do. I appreciate your opinions very much.
You can't change him unless he wants to change himself, to dig deeper into his own commitment issues and figure out why he's not able to give you more. Know that if he does change, you'll be the first to know, Jennifer,so make whatever decision that you can live with, and don't worry about what he does or doesn't do. If it's meant to be, if the two of you get on the same page, if he comes around and is ready for what you are and is ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen, you'll know. Of course you want this to come from him, but only you know what waiting for him is worth to you. I can say that I hear countless stories of women who've wasted so much of their lives away waiting for someone to come around who never did, but we all want to believe we'll be the rare exception. Most of us never are. It's a decision only you can make, because you're the only one who knows what you can live with and what you can't.
I have been dating a man that I am currently two months pregnant with.
Sorry I accidentally posted that. Anyways he is ok with being there for me and the baby as a father figure. But he is on committal and has dated other girls. I think he has been hurt in the past from the little pieces of things I can put together... I don't know if this is a wall he's built up or just a habit. I would love to have a relationship with him cuz I think she is a very good guy But I don't know if he is capable of any advice? Do I just say forget about it? Do I ask him about his on committal ways? I know we have a connection but I don't know if its worth me getting heartbroken over If I do bring it up and get rejected....just very confusing......
Choose whatever action will give you the greatest amount of peace and happiness, Julie, and leave you with the least amount of regrets. You're the only one you ultimately answer to, and you're the one who has to be able to live with yourself. Love is never complicated, as much as we like to believe it is; it just isn't. Whatever you decide to say or not to say to him, it doesn't change where he's at; it just gives you more information to make your own decision. Only you know what he's worth to you!
OMG! What a mess! Met a guy and got pregnant in one month! The guy has a kid with one woman, is married with another woman, is sleeping and getting pregnant the third woman! Well, my own personal life has never being too orderly either, but at least if it is a mess, I try to keep children out if that mess, or more precisely not to have kids when me or the partner is not ready and all messed up. But well, this is mot anyones fault. Life just happens, I guess.The biggest problem here is a guy, wjo is very, very messed up in his relationships with women. And I am glad he is back with you now, but I see why your body does not respond to him. Your body probably can just srnse it that he can be anywhere with anyone at any time. He is unpredictable,.or at least he has being so far throughout his life. But I think at this time it is too late to make the choice whether to get involved with him or not. Yoy,are already involved. And it is to early to decide to quit him. He has not done ro you anything that bad so far.So at this point I would give it my brst shot. Do whatever is possible to make it work. And whatever will be will be.Now, one thing I do not really know is what would be precisely that best thing to do to make it work. I would love to know it myself. Perhapse others could help.
Yeah I surely would appreciate the help! And yeah its becoming more apparent that I am not finding him sexually attractive anymore. He has told me before that I should initiate sex from now on, but I cant because my body is not responding to him sexually. He cooked for me for the first time this week, but its not the same. Now an ex has come into the picture. I am torn because i dont want my daughter seeing all these different men come in and out her life. And with my boyfriend now, its like he has more admiration and acknowledgement to his older daughter than our daughter. Its becoming unbearable.
Thanks for chiming in here, Nina; the decisions are never easy when those decision affect more than the adults involved, but also the innocent lives of children.
What can I do Jane?
Hi been with a guy over a year, we are military. We met in July 2012 became serious in August. Found out I was pregnant with my first his second child in September. How we were before we became pregnant was out of this world, I thought "I finally found the one". But as the months gone by, he had to take care of his career, enhancing it. I didnt mind, yes I was pregnant and even though he wasnt with me physically I had other support channels. 2013 rolled around, and he deployed. Things were starting to change, heard many rumors about him. Well when we met, and he was giving me the run down of his life, he mentioned that he was divorced. I started to poke his brain, asking if it was true, and 9/10 the cause of the divorce be usually their fault and they dont be divorce. I was on guard when he said divorced, others told me he was still married. It sent me through a whirlwind when he was deployed, being half way through my pregnancy. I needed answers, i dig and we argued. Then made up. I threaten to leave him and he fought it. He was becoming comfortable with the idea of being a dad again. He has an older daughter whose 7 but its not the child from his former marriage. I am highly positive that he hasnt told his family. Our daughter was born in May and he returned from deployment this october and he has kept our relationship and daughter a secret. Recently I asked for a break encouraging him to come and see his daughter spend time, but that will be it.The only time we talk is if its about our daughter. But then I needed him, the break was driving me insane, because this time he was okay with it. Yes we had sex. lol. I betrayed my vow to not become intimate with him until he got himself sorted out. Because his Ex wife and him was set to go to court to finalize the divorce recently but i dont know what happened. He hasnt spoken to me about it but i received concrete evidence about it. We are back together but now I've lost "interest" in him. My body isnt reacting to wanting the need for him. I laid beside him the other night and slept while he toss and turn, i feel he wanted to be intimate but with me being extremely tired and yes, i wanted to hold out on him at least for a night. I am at the point where I want to walk away again. When we are together its quiet til we lay in bed and i'll cuddle but i am feeling emotionally detached and want more out of him. I want to be a family, and want my daughter to see his face more often. He seems to acknowledge his older daughter more than our 6 month old.
hope i made sense
It's never easy to make these kind of decision when young children are involved, CC, so first and foremost, make sure you have the support you need to help you make the best decision for you and your sweet baby daughter. True love is never complicated, my beautiful friend; and this is always one of the red flags to look for whenever you're looking at what you really have with someone. We can make it complicated so that it seems like the norm, or we can be used to it being so complicated by the role models who showed us what love was all about, but if it feels complicated in the everyday living of a life that's meant to be shared with someone you love and trust, that's a sign to look at what you've really got.
Only you know what being with him is worth to you, what having your little family together is worth to you. This is something that no one else can determine for you. One of the hallmarks of someone being a keeper, is availability on both an emotional and physical level. Only you know if he's emotionally and physically available to you. It's always your decision, CC, as easier as it often is to defer to someone else and have them tell you what to do, trust yourself, trust your gut instincts to know what you need to do. There are no rigth or wrong answers, only the answer that is best for you and this little life you've brought into the world. Find that support, talk to someone who you can trust, a counselor, a doctor, a trusted friend, someone with an open heart and an open mind to hear you and your situation who can support you to make your best own decision. And know that whatever you decide, you can't change him, you can't make him be or do what you want him to do or be. You can only change yourself, you can only live your own life. He is going to live his life the way that he chooses to and whatever he does or doesn't do, it has nothing to do with you.
Hi Jane
Well my childs father and I been bickering earlier this week and i end up contacting his ex wife. All in All he wasnt really divorce. They both used "Ex" very loosely but they werent legally divorced til last month. Well she told me alot, she knew about me but he denied his involvement with me even when she saw me pregnant. She too is dating someone and apparently they are married now. I told him over and over how i felt, cursed him out, wished him death (yeah i was truly hurt) . Well speaking to her she mention he has 3 other kids, i knew about the other he spoke about but there were two more. My heart sunk. Hes away now due to his grandmothers sickness, I can vouch for that. But he says when he comes back he wants to talk face to face. What pointers should i bring up? Please help Jane.
Jane - I really appreciate the valuable insight you provide in this article. Yet, I still feel so helpless. I've been seeing my current boyfriend for about 6 months. He got divorced about 3 years ago and since then his ex has re-married. I know it's hard for him to trust again and I'm trying to show him that he can trust me. The thing is, we've spoken twice about where the relationship is going, and I understand it is still in its infancy, but sometimes I feel like I'm the one driving the relationship. He tells me he cares about me, and enjoys spending time with me, but isn't sure of what he wants in the future i.e. if he wants to get married again. I was very honest with him and told him what I want (which is to get married) and he understands that and has let me know he doesn't want to lose me. So I don't know if he is just unsure about me, about being in a committed relationship or about both. It is very hard to ask someone that. He has let me know his feelings but sometimes I feel that's not enough. He is extremely kind, and sweet to me, I've met all his friends (not his family yet), so I would feel bad to completely end this and throw it away when there is still so much good. I'm really confused and I'm not sure if I should walk away or like you said what most women do, wait for him to come around.
There's usually a reason you feel like you're driving the relationship, as you say, Natalie, and that's when you're both on different pages. He knows where you stand and what you're looking for now; you don't have to keep having this type of conversation with him. He knows. Now this is about you. If what you're getting from him isn't enough for you, than you have to decide what he's worth to you.
If you can live your own life and focus on you - keeping your options open - and maintaining a mindset that he's just one part of your life, then what he does or doesn't do won't matter as much to you and you can maintain both a relationship with him - that he's comfortable with - and a life that fulfills you as well. But if you can't do that without compromising yourself and having a negative affect of your self-esteem and self-confidence, then you have to decide which is worth more.
It's always about what it's all worth to you, and what you can and can't change. You can always change yourself and your own expectations; you can't change anyone else. Set your own time limit to yourself if you're not ready to make any decisions yet; this is always about you and what you need, Natalie, and choosing what brings you the most peace and calm and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets is what this is all about!
Hi Jane, Thanx for the reply..was really insightful. That's what I thought too, like he can't make his own decisions. He's always been acting like a Mummy's boy since I met him and even though he's working and earning well, he still lives with his parents and was pretty comfortable with it till I told him I would rather he move out. Even after telling him that. He went back to tell his mum he needed to move out and she said he is not moving out till he gets married. I was shocked when I heard it.. Like where is that done? Although he put his foot down but he had to shift it to a later date to give his mum time to adjust to the idea.
With this recent incident, I tried walking out but he made it difficult for me. Kept calling and texting when I stopped picking his calls. Telling me of how he's being faithful and loving to me and m gonna leave him cos he made a mistake having a baby with a girl he dnt ve anything with anymore. He promised to let the girl know he is in a relationship (cos the other time he merely told her its over), as well as introduce me to his parents. Whenever I point out that we should take a break so he can decide if he can work things out with the other girl, he seems to get angry and keep saying the only connection he have with her is the baby, he can't marry her and he has already informed his parents about that. And even if I leave him, that won't make him marry her. I feel he's sincere about his intention not to settle down with her for reasons best known to him, cos when I met him I didn't meet them together. Instead he seems to be dating other girls. Which he stopped when we became serious. But m just not comfortable with the influence his family ve on him. I don't know if this is something we can work out with time or it will always be this way. This afternoon he texted the girl to let her know about our relationship. He said next month I will meet his parents. Do I still need to give him give him space (no calls or seeing him) or I should just step back a little, give him a chance and see how it goes?
Do what feels right for you, Ivy; this isn't about following any particular rule or formula; this is about what you can live with and what you can't. You can try one way and see how it feels, and you can always try another. He's going to do what works best for him; you do what honors and respects your beautiful self - and what works best for you!
I met my bf September last year online. I was jst coming out from a bad relationship and that's what I needed. We dated online for 6 months before we finally met. On meeting him I saw some chats with a friend that relates to him having a baby. Which I asked him about but he denied. I later found out on my own he has a baby with an ex. I confronted him about it and he opened up. Said he was afraid to tell me cos he didn't want to lose me. I wanted to end the relationship then but he kept pleading that everything will be ok. It was a long distance relationship. He Said he's not dating her anymore. The baby was jst some few months old then. I asked if they ve formally broken up, he said no. But she knows its over. I told him I want it to be formal just to be on the safe side. That was in february. He promised May, May came, he said June..then July. I got fed up and threatened to leave. That's when he texted her that he appreciates her taking care of the baby and he will alwys be there for his son but they need to move on with their lives.
Previously some months ago, his aunt saw a pix of me and him on fb and commented telling him..he has not introduced me to them. So after he sent the text..he went on fb some days later and deleted my pictures. I asked him why and he said some chain of events occured. His Aunt told his mum about the pictures and his mum complained that he is supposed to be careful he has a baby..that mistake need to be corrected. He said his Aunt don't knw about his baby. Cos of his mum concerns, he had to delete the pictures. Also told me the mother of his baby complained to his Sister who forwarded same to his mum. I was lost in all the family drama. Wondering where do I fall in all of these? He's an Adult of 28 yrs old. So why all these? He said his parents ve alwys being aware he is not settling with the lady but they want him to be careful handling her cos the baby is with her.
The baby is a year plus now. I asked him what all of these ve to do with the fb pictures and what he told me seems to be like his extended family don't know about his baby yet..that air need to be cleared before he can start showing off to them, he's in a relationship with another girl.
He didn't say it this way but dts the impression I got. I ve met his friends on several occassions and his brother but not his parents. He said he is ready to ve a commited relationship with me and introduce me to his parents but he cnt put the pictures back on fb. I am jst so confused. Him deleting them on fb is telling me he's nt certain about our relationship and really hurting. I want to walk out of the relationship but m not sure if m overreacting or m doing the right thing. Pls advise me. Thanx
It sounds like he's not comfortable making his own decisions about his own life, Ivy. His family clearly plays a huge role in influencing what he does or doesn't do - and it sounds like there's a lot of drama around this innocent little baby. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants either, which is understandable since he just became a father, no matter how he says it happened, the bottom line is that he brought an innocent child into the world too, and he's responsible for his actions and now has to live with this new reality that's all new to him.
Personally, I would give him some space to figure out what's going on with his life and to sort out these details that seem to be controlling what he does or doesn't do concerning you. Since he wasn't ready to take the initiative for himself and end the relationship with his ex before you threatened to leave, I'd want to know he was on the same page as you and not just reacting to you putting your foot down. It sounds very complicated right now, and whenever you have someone who isn't comfortable making his own decisions about what to put on his Facebook page, I'd be asking what else isn't he comfortable standing up for.
This reminds me of the time I received a surprise phone call from a stranger who told me she was the girlfriend of a guy I had recently started dating, and that they had two small children together. I realized he hadn't been honest with me when he told me he was single - again, probably because they don't want to lose us - but when I heard her side of the story and confronted him, I realized just how complicated the situation was. I made the decision to exit the whole thing to allow them to have a chance to work things out for the sake of the children without adding a third person into the mix, and I heard later that he did go back to her and work things out. I'm not saying this is the case here with you, but the reality is sometimes the best thing you can do is give people the space to do what they need to do - that's right for them - without you getting caught up in the process.
Ultimately, you have to decide what's right for you, Ivy, but this just all seems very complicated from here. If he's on the same page as you and wants the same thing as you want, a little time and space isn't going to change the potential for a great relationship if that's what both of you eventually want with each other. Now just doesn't seem like the time.
Great insight and helpful on so many levels. One thing to add about the link of not having the relationship with the father. My theory is that it is during these younger years where one decides its important to grow up and have ones own family or not and if your role model is not committed to the family it reduces the value of having and working for owns own family. Today especially, it is not necessary to get married and for those who do it can be very hard so it has to be something that is truly important in order to make the commitment and sacrifices needed to be sustainable.
Thanks for adding your insightful perspective on this topic, LJ. You are so right that since we now live in a time where in our culture marriage is no longer a requirement for intimacy, motherhood, fatherhood or financial and social status, unless there is that role model to show commitment and marriage as a priority, it shouldn't be a surprise that there are so many men - and women! - struggling with commitment issues.
My hope is that as we raise the bar on what we are willing - and not willing - to put up with from the men in our lives, this will eventually translate into men who become the new role models for the next generations of sons and daughters who recognize the benefits of being in a committed relationship between two people who equally know their worth and refuse to settle for anyone who isn't on the same page, who doesn't want the same thing, and who doesn't treat them the way they deserve to be treated - regardless of gender.
Hi Jane
Another eyeopener! I love the fact that the more aware i become the more confident i am on meeting a new guy, i am absolutely able to trust myself and what i love most is i am now able to bring awareness to my daughter too. Every dating experience where i see a guys unhealthy patterns now sees me walking away, and after all these years i cannot begin to describe how empowering it is to be able to do that. . Thank you for the insights that come through in your articles, they are written with so much compassion.I am learning so much everyday and so happy for it!
I love how you're experiencing this in real time, Ann; that feeling of empowerment is no small thing when you consider what you went through and how you rose from the place you were in to get to this point. Be so proud of yourself for realizing you had that strength in you to do exactly that - and that you took a chance on yourself - on you! - to find out just what you were made of and what new life there was in store for you! And what a beautiful gift to be able to pass these lessons - the ones we've had to learn the hard way - onto our daughters. There is so much more to come, my beautiful friend! 🙂
Hi Jane this is a very interesting article. I have shared before the story of the guy who never wanted to commit to me. We would be sleeping around and hang-out with my friends but after that, no plans for us. no dates or anything. Five months ago, i gathered all my strenght and told him exactly what i was looking for. He said he wasnt looking for anything serious as he is leaving for Australia soon. I left him since and never initiated communication. Just last weekend though, we met again in an event where we had talked about things that happened for the past five months. He said he might stay here longer. I asked if he ever went out with another woman, he said yes but nothing serious. He said he missed me and he was sorry for everything. There was a girl trying to get to him that night but he stayed with me all night. The night ended with a kiss and he said he was really glad to see me again. He was sweeter this time around. Not sure just bec he missed me or he realized what he lost then. All i just wanted to share after this is that I was glad to see him but after all I already know what I wanted. If this time he still cannot give me a committed relationship, I wouldnt think twice about leaving him again. Been there, done that.. Cannot stand anymore insecurities due to a non-committed relationship.
Love to hear your strength come shining through here, Reann! Thanks for sharing your update; you have no idea what it does for me to hear your story, how when you take a chance on you, when you give yourself a chance to reveal what you're really made of and just how strong you really are, you open up your heart and soul to see just what can happen for you, regardless of what he says or does. That is really what it all comes down to, and for you to have figured this out for yourself, that you are no longer willing to put up with the insecurities that come with a non-committed relationship is huge!
You will know if he's worthy of you this time, Reann, and it is only from finding out that you can stand strong on your own without him that you now have this first-hand experience of all that you are, all that you are capable of, and just how attractive and desirable that kind of beautiful confidence really is. Yes, you can!
honey if you see him he wins because you will be nothing more than a sex partner and if women keep compling to these type of mens needs they don't have to comit
Haha, we used to say, why buy the milk, when you have the cow!
Excellent as always Jane. I've written to you before a couple of months ago when I was miserable about my boyfriend of 3 years who was hemming and hawing over committing to me (at that point, getting engaged). He low balled me with an offer- stick around for a while until he gets hhis job transfer, live together for a year and THEN he'd think about proposing. What I did instead is start doing the things I wanted- I accepted a fantastic job offer in a city 500 miles away and am now backpacking solo for 6 weeks in South America.
The second I decided I wasn't going to compromise myself for him or put off my dreams for a guy who wouldn't commit, he changed his attitude completely- we've looked at rings and he knows if he wants me moving back here next year it will be on MY terms- engaged or married. He's writing me emails every day talking about how he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with me while I'm having a blast traveling. He says he'll do whatever it takes to make our rewlationship work with the distance and to get me moved back this time next year.
Doing what YOU want is the only win/win situation. If my boyfriend is serious about commitment, it's going to happen in the next couple of months and after my contract is up I'll move in a house with a totally committed man. If things don't work out? At least I've been living the life I wanted instead of WAITING for him.
I remember you, Kate, and you have no idea how thrilled I am to hear how you're doing! You've so got it, my beautiful friend; you bring me to tears with your strength, your confidence - your passion for life, for living your dream, your life - regardless of what he's saying or doing, that come through in your beautiful words. Thank you for sharing this inspiring update with all of us.
"If things don't work out, at least I've been living the life I wanted instead of WAITING for him."- May we all get what that looks like, what that feels like to live those words and how that mindset changes everything before we spend any more of our time and energy waiting.
Hi Jane! Just another update. He swore up and down that he would propose in Dec 2013. He told his family and my family this. BUT: December came around and he didn't propose. He didn't even have the guts to break up with me, or at least tell me he had changed his mind and didn't want to marry me, even though I gave him every opportunity to do so.
I walked. It was a horrible breakup, I felt like I had lost a limb. I turned 28 and I was starting over again. Sometimes I missed him but then I remembered I live an 8 hour drive away. He could have "fixed" everything in 8 hours. It's been almost 8 months now and although he sent me one BS "I miss you" email, he never took the 8 hours to see me. So I had my answer there. It sucked, but I'm better off now 🙂
Remember that, Kate - "He could have "fixed" everything in 8 hours. It's been almost 8 months now and although he sent me one BS "I miss you" email, he never took the 8 hours to see me." And so, as you say, you have your answer confirmed for you by his actions which say so much more than words ever can. You are so, so much better off now! Can I even begin to tell you the conversation your future self will be having with you on this one?!!