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I Know I Should Run and Never Look Back, But I Still Love Him

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench with her head in her hands, knowing that she should run from her relationship and not look back, but she still loves him.Our beautiful friend, Crystal, knows that she should run from her relationship and never look back, but she still loves him and wants him to fight for their relationship to prove her wrong. She needs our help!

Here's her story:

Good morning Jane,

I need your help! I'm devastated!

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and at first things were fine when I first met him. We came across the, "have you ever been married" and the "do you have any kids" question - I told him no to both and he told me he had a daughter but that he never had been married.

About two months in he went missing for like 3 days and I began to get worried so my best friend said well look him up and see what you can find out because this doesn't seem right. So I did and low and behold I found out he was married!

I was crushed I was heartbroken!

I later got in touch with him that night and I questioned him about it and he continued to lie until I told him if he told me the truth we could work it out. He finally confessed that he had been married and that he was going through a tough divorce but he's getting one.

He began to say that he loved me and he wanted to be with me.

He promised that, that weekend we would go out of town on a much needed get away to work on our relationship and I agreed to it because I liked him a lot. We were supposed to leave that Saturday and then that Friday he called me and said that a family member had passed, so we couldn't go.

When we first met he told me that he was a regional manager so he would have to go on site sometimes where work was being done and he would be gone at the most 2 weeks and then he would come back home.

Well Jane, he was always gone and it became a long distance relationship that I didn't sign up for. He started being gone a lot and just recently I hadn't seen him in a little over a month.

His jobs were going slow and he switched companies a lot because he couldn't get along with the people he worked for so money got low and then I started sending him money because I wanted to show him I was there for him.

Well this past Saturday was his birthday but he said he would have to "work" so he came back Friday 10/10. Just so happen funds were really low for me after bills but I was going to buy him an outfit and some shoes for his b-day.

Well he called me back Friday and said, "You're not going to believe what happened...man I'm mad."

I asked what happened and he says, "Some transaction hit my account and wiped my account out so now I have no money." He then said, "You didn't buy me anything for my birthday yet did you?" I told him that I hadn't picked it up yet but that I would after I got off. He told me, "Good well don't, you don't get a man gifts he should spoil you with gifts...give you money,"  so I got dressed for us going out that night and I just didn't feel right Jane!

Usually I would go without and give my last for him because I did it in the past but something wasn't right. He took me on this drive to the north side because his friend told him about this movie dinner place.

Here's a side note: every time we go somewhere someone recommends we should go and which are normally expensive places he always complains about the food and he ends up eating and getting his meal for free so Friday it was no different except for it was much worse - he caused a scene and I was so embarrassed we couldn't watch the whole movie because the uproar he caused. He's lucky he didn't go to jail - his profanity was out of this world - he cursed and cursed and cursed and when we got back in my car he said, "So you not gonna say anything and they just talked to your man like that?" 

I told him I was very embarrassed and in mid sentence he said, "Shut the f--- up and let me talk."

Jane I was so hurt and outdone that he had talked to me like this and on the way back to drop him off at some random building I picked him up at he told me he was sorry and that he loved me.

I still had this feeling that something wasn't right with him.

I drop him off at the building where his "homeboy" is supposed to pick him up at and I made a circle just to see. Well as soon as I turned the corner he power walks back into the building at 11 PM and when he enters he looks behind him to see if I saw him.
I just drove off he called me and I talked to him on my way home.

The next day for his birthday I never heard from him and it's not like I could call him because his friends phone number shows up no caller ID and he never gave me the number - how convenient.

Sunday morning I wake up crying because I know he didn't call me because maybe he was with someone else like his wife or some other girlfriend. He calls me Sunday around 5:40 pm and he kept calling until 9 because I wouldn't answer him.

My Mom and sister said that I should leave him alone because he is a gamer and that he doesn't care for me, so Sunday when he called at 9 I picked up and then he told me another family member passed and I definitely didn't believe him this time because almost every time he knows I'm mad someone dies.

Well because I didn't give him the response he wanted he said that he thought we should put our relationship on pause because he has a lot going on mentally and family wise. He said that he needs to be a better man for me so he wanted to get off the phone with me to "pray" and he'd call me back...he hasn't called me back..

I'm so hurt Jane because I know something isn't right but he made me feel Sunday before he said we should take a pause that somehow this was my fault...after he lied to me and I found out it was never the same because when he would be out of town I just felt like a man isn't going to stay away from a woman he loves this long.

I know I should run and never look back but I feel so weird and crazy for still loving him and wanting him to fight for our relationship and to prove me wrong.

What really hurts Jane is that he is supposed to "move" back to Houston on 10/17 and my birthday is 10/22 - how convenient does he put a pause in our relationship when it's time for us to be together for good and when my birthday is coming up?

I admit I complained about him not spending time with me but am I wrong for that? Should I have kept my mouth closed?

Please help me because I feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who I would normally yell at and say she was stupid.

Help me Jane! Help me!

Thank you,

Chrystal

My Response:

You answered this one yourself, Chrystal.

There's a reason you feel like a crazy woman on Lifetime movie network who you would normally yell at! It's because when it happens to us, when we see all the warning signs and refuse to see them for exactly that, when we have such a strong sense as you did so many times here that something "isn't right", it's so hard for us to see just how crazy it really is.

You're not stupid - you're just blinded by what you think is love.

And you're in good company - some of the most intelligent women in the world have been involved with men who were never right for them!

It's about the way you see yourself. And it's what you don't see about how you deserve to be treated. It's how you can't see that the fact that this man is essentially still married and that means he's just not available for you - at least not in the way you want him to be.

I know you have the most beautiful of intentions.

I know you have such a capacity to overlook, to excuse, to understand, to look past all the glaring red flags and warning signs that tell you everything you could possibly need to know about whether this man is someone you really want to be with.

I know you see so much more of his potential than the reality of what you have in front of you right now.

Here's the reality: he's still married, regardless of where he is in his divorce. And even if he wasn't, does he really have what you're looking for to offer you? When you look at what you're really looking for, what you know you deserve, does he have that? When you say you didn't sign up for the long distance relationship it turned into, what does that tell you about how little say you have in this?

How convenient is exactly the point, Chrystal. This isn't about your birthday, his "moving back" or anything else about you. This is about him and what's working for him.

Trust yourself - you know! When you say "something doesn't feel right", you know it doesn't feel right, because something isn't right.

You second guess yourself and question whether you had the right to complain about him not spending time with you, and then you wonder if you should have just kept your mouth shut, because you know something isn't right with not saying something, but you don't trust yourself to know because of how conflicted you feel.

Of course you're hurt, of course some of this "really hurts", because you can't be with this person without being hurt. It hurts that he turns the tables on you and is blaming you for what happened because you know in your heart of hearts it's not your fault.

It has to be put on you to get it off him. He knows what he's doing, he knows what he's getting for putting out so little in return. And he knows he can because you're letting him. He has no reason to do anything differently because this is working so well – you are working so well – for him.

What more does he need? Obviously, nothing.

That's the point of this, Chrystal. No one needs to tell you what to do here, because you already know. You just need to listen to your own instincts, to your own true voice that keeps trying to show you that something isn't right so that you'll listen to yourself and see what this is really about.

It's not about him, it's about you seeing this for yourself so clearly this time so that you don't have to go through this again. That's why people show up in our lives, to mirror what's really going on within ourselves.

Would that strong, confident version of yourself who's just biding her time waiting to be seen, allow herself to brush aside all these red flags, all these feelings of something not being right, just for the chance to be with someone like this? Would she accept such crumbs, tell herself the stories you're telling yourself to keep on keeping on with someone who treats you like this? Would she give her "last" to someone who would never give her his?

I know you know the answer, but before you answer, I want you to know it's OK. There's no shame in falling in love with all of your heart for the wrong man - like I said, this happens to the very best of us.

This is about real life - your life. The kind of life that comes with feelings, and beliefs, and self-esteem, and cultural programming. The kind of life that falls in love and falls hard.

But behind that person who can't see, who doesn't see, is a better life. It's a life that deserves to be held compassionately and lovingly and treated gently for only being able to see up to the light that she knows.

It is OK, because it's you - a real, live human being. A beautiful soul with feelings, and dreams, and hopes, and plans.

You're human, Chrystal. And as much as it may feel like it, you're not alone. No matter who we are on the outside, we're not so different in what we'll do for love, if we're willing to admit it to ourselves. What others see so clearly, we can rarely see ourselves when we're so enmeshed and caught up in our own unmet needs that we can't see beyond this chance to finally get what we so desperately long for – to be loved.

That's why we call it love even though it hurts. If it's what we're used to. If it's all that we think we deserve. It doesn't matter how intelligent our minds may be, if we hold such a gaping need within us, how can we possibly see?

Tread gently with yourself here. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to see. Yes, it's clear to me and to others who share an outside perspective, but it has to be clear to you, too.

You run, Chrystal, into your own arms, into your own life. No matter who you are or what you've been through, it doesn't have to be such a long road back to learning to love yourself and create a life that's worth living, with only the people in it that are right for you.

But it has to be the choice that you make, not one that anyone else can make for you.

It always seems so obvious to everyone but the one asking the questions. Do you have any advice or thoughts for our beautiful friend, Chrystal? Please share them with her in the comments!

What Is It About Him?

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A beautiful woman is looking at her boyfriend with love wondering what is it about him?There's a reason you choose who you do. You know this all too well, even if you don't understand what that reason is. You're the first to admit that not just anyone will do; there has to be something that sets the one apart who's going to get a second glance from you.

And that something is always more about you than him.

There's some unmet need you have deep down inside you that's looking to be met in this person your radar has honed in on. It's rarely about anything as simple as a look. No, it runs so much deeper than this. More often than not, it's an attitude that comes through more clearly and more seductively than anything else you can put your finger on.

But why now? What is it about him?

This is your work, not his. To discover what exactly "it" is so that you are no longer powerless. How can you own your own power when someone who comes along like this can have so much power over you?

You see, I understand all too well what you mean when you say he's like no one else you've ever met before. I understand why it can feel so different, and seem like this time, it's going to be the real thing, despite all practical and logical reasons to the contrary.

Because when it's a need deep within ourselves we're subconsciously trying to fill, it takes on a life of its own.

There is no logic.

There is no practical reality of what is. There is only potential. There is only what if. There is only "but this time he's going to be different."

Because this is what you so want to believe. It's what it just has to be. And so, it's what you will make it out to be.

Your work begins and ends with you, not anyone outside of yourself, and especially not anything he can do for you. So what is it about him that keeps you coming back for more? What is it about him that makes you feel like you can't live without him, that he's your very lifeblood and without him you can't make it on your own? These are just feelings after all. They're the very stories we've bought into and told ourselves so many times that they've become our very reality regardless of the truth.

Of course you can live without him. Of course you don't need anyone outside of yourself. But when it feels like it does, and  your own inner longing is what it is, there's no fighting this feeling that consumes you.

Unless you know the truth.

The truth that comes from accepting and loving yourself wherever you are, whatever that looks like right now.

The truth that comes from being compassionate with yourself for what you thought you should have learned by now.

The truth that comes from allowing yourself to be exactly who you are, however flawed, however imperfect that might look like to you from where you stand with such standards of perfection you hold for yourself.

There's no one who does this to you like you do!

But instead of using these imperfections as one more thing to beat yourself up about, it's time to do something so different.

Find out what that little girl inside you needs to fill her cup full.

Find out what she's missing that makes her hold on so tightly to someone who isn't right for her.

Find out why she feels the need to be with someone who can't give her what she's looking for.

But don't stop there. It's never enough to only understand why. "Why" is a springboard to build from to do our work to find out what we need to know that we can' t yet see for ourselves.

We have to be willing to do something about it. We have to be willing to grow ourselves, to stretch, to be open to seeing what this new knowledge and these new ways of seeing can do for us. To letting go of something or someone that's hurting us, of giving someone a second look who we might have overlooked before.

It's what we do with all we're learning that makes the greatest difference in what we find, in what we're seeing, not just what we're coming to see!

Don't accept anything less than being happy, not just feeling a familiar feeling that in your heart of hearts isn't what you know this life is meant to be.

It's your beautiful life. It's your time to live it the way life is meant to be. Don't make it about any him; make it about you!

How about you? What are your reasons for holding on so tightly to what isn't working? Know that you're not alone and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! I'd love to hear your story. Please share it with us in the comments.

Don't Fight the "Going Through"

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A beautiful woman looks out a window wondering why she is not strong.
Fighting it only hurts you more in the end.

We can almost sense when it's coming. We get that feeling. Then those awful thoughts start rushing in.

Not again. Not another disappointment. Not another ending. Not another heartbreak.

Not another "going through."

The signs are there, the red flags are waving in the sky, but we try so hard to will them away, to excuse them, to explain them, to pretend they're not really there.

The potential – his potential – is all we can see. We're blinded by it, no matter what anyone else says or what we know deep down in our hearts, we don't really want to see.

Why?

Because we know all too well what comes next.  That if we allow ourselves to see, then we have to make a decision. And if we have to make a decision, that means we have to choose between loving ourselves and loving someone else. And while that should be obvious, it's never, ever as easy as it seems.

Continue Reading

Why What's Familiar is Actually Keeping You Stuck

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stuck-in-the-familiarInspiration often comes to us in the least expected ways.

Just the other day I received one of those funny emails that get sent around from my sister, this one about what the small town (or at least what used to be a small town) where I spent most of my childhood in Canada is known for. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it's reputation is not nearly as idyllic as my memories of it are.

Anyone who knows me well understands just how idealistic I can be, a trait that has undoubtedly contributed in a huge way to the dating patterns I had in my former single life.

So the fact that I'm always trying to convince my husband that moving back to this beautiful little place where I grew up, complete with all of the wonderful memories it holds for me, is the absolute best thing for our whole family shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

He's never quite convinced because as great of a place it sounds like when I describe it, he too knows this idealistic side of me well and often reminds me that I have this pattern of seeing only the potential of a place, instead of the reality of what is.

Sound familiar? It is.

Just back then, like so many of us, I was always falling in love with his potential.

So as I was reading the email, I was able to gently laugh at myself. The description of this little place I grew up in was not anything like my wonderful memories, but when it was laid out in front of me – however exaggerated it was for its purpose – I couldn't deny that there was quite a bit of truth to it.

I just saw it in a whole different light when I was relying on my  memories about it, and the feelings and emotions that went with those memories. Memories that belong to a different time and place, and a different person that I was back then.

And as I was contemplating all this – and hoping my husband hadn't seen the email lest it fly in the face of my pro stance towards our big "someday" move back there – I realized just how much we all do this. And how it affects so much of what we see and what we think about, and what we don't see and don't think about.

We idealize what's comfortable.

What we call love is often the last thing that love really is. If it's comfortable - familiar- we become incapable of seeing it for what it really is. We can't see the way we're really being treated – that's it's anything but love, the way it's triggering us to fall back on our old familiar patters – that these patterns are anything but loving to our beautiful selves. So instead we stay and try and stay some more  and try some more, doing the same things over and over and accepting the same treatment all because it's all too familiar.

It's why we keep falling for what we think is our type. It's why we put so much stock in that oh so elusive spark.

It feels loving to us, because it's what we're used to getting. It feels like the real thing, because it puts us back in that same familiar, comfortable position. It doesn't matter if we're on the begging end, doing all the chasing, doing all the work, putting our needs last if it's familiar. We feel safe with familiar. We feel comfortable with the same familiar surroundings. We don't know any better and we don't know any different.

But the funny thing about that kind of comfort level is that it keeps us staying right where we are. It keeps us settling for nothing more than we've been getting.

It takes courage to break out of the familiar. It takes a willingness to feel that inner cringe of coming out of our comfort zones to see the reality of what is from the fantasy that we so want it to be.

I get this! I did it, too.

And, as you can see, I'm still falling into the same trap in other areas of my life. But if you're willing to question your reality, if you're willing to question where it all comes from and what it all says, and what it really means to you, you can find that courage within yourself to see the kind of reality we're talking about here.

The kind of reality that releases you from these patterns that seem so strong, so hard to break.

The kind of questioning that frees you from those rose-colored glasses that keep you from letting go of what isn't serving you anymore and are only keeping you from what you're really looking for in the long run.

I never said it was easy. In fact, I'm a great example of just how hard it can be!

But it can happen, and it will happen if you start right where you are with open eyes and an open mind willing to see the forest from the trees. Willing to run the risk of being wrong about the ideals you've been clinging to that have only been hurting you and keeping you from having and living the most amazing life that's possible for all of us.

It's time to change this.

It's time to wake up and see what's really there. It's time to call it what it is and stop trying to squeeze water from stones. It's time to stop seeing anything but the reality of what is.

Your idealism is a beautiful thing, but use it for the things that won't take advantage of it and hurt you with it like you're hurting right now. You won't see it, you can't see it, until you choose to.

How about you - what traps do you find yourself falling into over and over again? Tell us in the comments!

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

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A beautiful woman is sitting on the couch upset because she wants to be married and have children and her boyfriend does not want marriage and children. Here's an email from another one of our beautiful readers, who signed herself DRT.

She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and is ready for the next stage, but her boyfriend is not.

Here's her story:

Thanks for your site. I've read a few of the articles, which I have found insightful.

My question is: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I'm in my early thirties and he is nearly forty. We have lived together for most of that time.

I have been ready to settle down and have children for some time now. The time is also right for me career-wise (and may be less so in future due to increasing responsibilities which I'll need some time to get used to).

He has always said we will get married and have children but it always seems to be some vague time in the future. Currently he wants to wait a couple of years until he is the next rung up the career ladder.

He complains that he hasn't lived his life yet and that we don't go out enough. I'll be honest I would prefer a meet up with friends or a day trip rather than go partying. This is the main cause of our arguments.

We generally get on well otherwise and both have our hobbies although not shared.

His takes up a lot of his time and often at short notice which I find frustrating, and he gets annoyed that I won't go with him though I have tried and don't enjoy it.

What worries me also is that he actively tries to avoid events with children, including with my family (I have several young cousins).

I know you don't have to like other people's children to have your own but I would want someone who is an active father involved in family life and events.

I am starting to think that the future I envisaged will not happen.

Should I continue in a relationship with someone I love and enjoy spending time with when we're together or am I going to miss my chance at a family because I wait too long for a man who may not commit?

Signed, DRT

My Response:

Dear DRT,

I hear where you're coming from.

You have all this history and time invested with someone, and then there's the reality of where you are and what you want at this stage of your life, and it sounds like he hasn't come to this point with you.

I see several red flags here, particularly the fact that you say he tries to "actively avoid events with children" - and you want children - and that he's "complaining he hasn't live his life yet and we don't go out enough" - and you prefer to meet up with some friends than go partying.

Since you clearly know what you want, and he's not giving you some real indicators that these are the same priority for him, these would be some real red flags for me if I was looking to get married and have children and this was a top priority for me.

But this has to come from you. You have to come to this for yourself or you won't be able to live with yourself and your decision.

Is he really marriage material or are the two of you too far apart on these points that are at the top of your priority list? Are you willing to take a "wait-and-see" approach to see if he might come around?  No one can know the future, but where someone is at now - and how they behave - are the best indicators you have of what you can expect more of.

If you haven't already, I would evaluate just how much you really have in common when it comes to what matters most to you. As I've said in an earlier post, one of the ways you'll know if you've got a keeper is if he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. And I used the example that if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want.

Unfortunately, I hear far too many stories from women who wait and wait and wait some more for some man with so much potential that they've fallen in love with to come around to their page, until their own lives have passed them by. While these are someone else's stories and the only story that matters here is your own, they reveal the reality of where this road often leads.

I have a feeling that that since you're writing to me about this now, you already know your own answers. Deep down, we always do.

Whether it's that pull that urges you to give it just a little more time - and then you set that time frame in your own mind - or that gentle nudging that tells you there's more to life and love and being in relationship with someone you love than this.

Whatever pull feels stronger, DRT, know that this is always about you and what you can live with and what you can't.

Real love - the real kind you're talking about that you choose - is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know of a healthy, loving, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship that can last without that.

But what that looks like specifically can be different for each of us depending on who you are, what you want and what you don't, and what you need to be happy.

It's not about him - you can let him know what you want and what you need to be happy - but you can't change him. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps give you some outside perspective, DRT.

I know this isn't an easy decision to make, but regardless of what you decide, the best place to start is the decision to focus on you, to make your own life a priority, and live your own life in a way that reflects your beautiful, authentic, true self with so much to offer, so much to give.

Sometimes all it takes is that conscious shift in our own way of being that creates a new energy that ripples through our relationships and brings about a change in the ones we're with.

Love,

Jane

What do you think DRT should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

Did I Scare Him Away?

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A beautiful woman is wondering did I scare him away by her actions.Here's an email from one of our beautiful readers who is afraid that she may have made a mistake by holding him off for too long.

Here's her story:

Jane -

I love reading all of your articles and have been incorporating them into my most recent situations, including one in particular.

I started dating someone about three or four months ago, and at the time, was really busy and focusing on myself while getting over someone else, which obviously made him like me more.

He would ask me out on dates and I had to cancel a couple of times.  I only went out on one or two dates with him up until about a month ago when we started seeing each other more.  He initiated this with his kind words, asking me to hang out with him before I completely slipped from his mind.

He even met some of my friends and gave us free tickets to a sporting event and sat with us.  He had pursued me for so long, and still kept persistent even after I had put him off.

I realized that I should not have put him off for so long, but it seemed all was going well and I could tell from his behavior and even the way he looked at me, that he really liked me.  My girl friends even discussed how into me he seemed.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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