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Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

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A beautiful woman looks into the camera wondering not who's next but what's next. Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

It's OK, But It's Not OK

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The words It's OK written on a blackboard with a red heart for the O in OK, representing that it's OK to be where you are in a relationship, but it's not OK if you aren't happy.I hear it so often.

And I understand; I really do.

I hear you when you say "I'm not there yet." I see the tears you try to hold back. I feel your pain when  you try to say you have to hold on, you have to keep waiting just a little longer because you love him too much to let go just yet.

And you know I'm the first one to say it's OK.

Wherever you are right now, it's OK. We all get there in our own time, and you'll get there in your own time. One step at a time; one new way of seeing at a time.

However long it takes you, it's OK. You've heard me say it time and time again.

It's OK wherever you are, wherever you're at.

It's OK.

But looking at it another way, it's really not OK.

Because the life that you're living right now isn't the life that you deserve to live. Because the pain that you're feeling right now isn't the kind of pain any one deserves to go through.

Because the amount of hurting you're going through right now is no way for anyone to live. Because the aching loneliness you're experiencing isn't how we are meant to experience life.

Yes, I'm the first to tell you it's OK because wherever we are is our reality and where we all begin. And who you are, and where you are is nothing to beat yourself up about or feel bad about yourself for.

But you deserve so much more than this.

You can keep waiting. You can keep going through the motions. You can keep putting one foot in front of the other until you finally get tired of living like this.

But there's a life to be lived that's just waiting for you. It's your life. It's the life you were made for, the life that you've been putting off living even as it's passing you by.

This is the life I want you to see, to discover, to embrace for yourself.

You see, when I look back at where I used to be back when I was single and living my life in what I now know was the waiting mode, I realize how much I missed out on.

When I think about what I could have done with my life, it tears me to the core. It would have affected so many areas of my life.

Don't wait.

It's your time.

How ever long it's going to take. Whatever action it's going to require in your part. Don't wait another minute settling for so much less than you deserve. Don't struggle another moment living like you are, going through what you are when there is so much help out there for you.

You don't need to.

If it's my program that's speaking to you, then great - I'm here for you.

If it's someone else's that's helping you, that's great, too. If it's one-on-one counseling sessions with someone you're finally ready to try, that's wonderful, too.

It doesn't matter where you find your help, all that it matters is that you do!

So take that time that you were going to spend watching your usual television shows, take that money you were going to spend on that new outfit to try to catch the attention of yet another him, and take that energy that you're only using on over-thinking and rehashing what he's thinking and what you did wrong, and put it all toward the one thing that's worth more than any of these: YOU.

Because when you look back, this time is going to pass you by and be a distant memory soon enough. But it's your life, your time, your happiness.

You are worth so much more than anything else you might think your time, your money and your energy are worth.

Go get that help you need to get past your past.

Go get that help you need to find what you're really looking for.

Go get that help so you can start seeing who you really are and what you really deserve.

Go get that help so you can see what you can't see now, so you can do what you don't believe you can do now, so you can become what you can't imagine yourself getting to right now.

You can and you will. But only if you choose to.

So choose to.

Love,

Jane

Find It In You

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A beautiful, confident woman stands against a white wall with her arms crossed, thinking about it's time to find it in you and stop looking for a man to fill you up.There’s a reason you’re so drawn to him. It’s no accident he’s the one you've chosen, even if it doesn't seem like it.

And it makes perfect sense that you feel like you can’t live without him, that you can’t let him go, that you need him in your life to live.

I understand completely even though most everyone else you use these words with doesn't. And they don’t understand because they can’t.

But you do, so well.

This reason you’re so drawn to him, it’s because you’re so good at attracting exactly what you need. It’s because you’re such a beautiful loving, caring, sensitive soul that you've found exactly the type of person who gives you a new feeling of confidence and boldness that you, too, can do anything and be anything when you’re around him.

Of course he makes you laugh, of course you’re so happy when you’re with him.

His is the life you want for you! His way is the ease with which you want your life to be lived by you. And he makes it seem so believable, so possible, and so within your reach.

You can let down your guard, stop trying to please everyone, stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and stop being oh so responsible.

You can breathe.

He's almost everything you wish you could be more like, even if you don’t realize it yourself.  His lack of caring about everyone else, his lack of needing to please anyone but himself, his ability to set such strong boundaries to keep everyone from getting too close, his attitude of irresponsibility.

He knows what’s his and what isn't and he has no problem separating the two. He may even tell you this is who he is, and people can either like or leave it.

And of course, he’s talking about you here,  too.

It wasn't until I finally realized how little I was actually getting out of these relationships, how one-sided they truly were, that I started seeing a pattern to the men I was attracted to and attracting. They were one and the same. They were all various versions of this same theme.

It was because I was always looking for someone outside of myself to give me permission to live the life I always dreamed of. It was because I didn't think I could do what I wanted to do on my own.

It was because I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me and wanted everyone to like me, to approve of me, to accept me for who I was.  It was because I feared failure, I feared disapproval, I feared being discovered that I wasn't everything I was supposed to be by the standards I had allowed others to set for me that weren't my own to begin with.

It wasn't until I repeated this same pattern enough times that I was finally able to see what was really going on.

I stopped trying to live off someone else. I started living for me.

I started making a list of everything I wanted to do. I ventured out of my comfort zones. I started asking myself the big questions I didn't think I had a right to ask.

I started looking at me, not him.

I started finding my own way, baby steps at first, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but knowing it was my own right to find my own way.

I stopped apologizing for not knowing.

I started accepting the things that I had always hated about myself.

I stopped seeing my negatives as liabilities and started seeing them as the qualities that made me who I am.

I made a list of things I wanted to work on, things I really did want to change, but I also started to accept where I was and who I was right then as well.  And realizing that wherever I was starting from was OK.  I realized I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and the only thing I was wasting by not getting started was my own life.

It was time.

It didn't happen overnight. But it did happen.

Not without doubts and not without fears. Not without so many two steps forward and one step backward wondering if I was doing the right thing or if any of this was really necessary. And not without having those moments where I simply wanted to give up and go back to the old model that seemed so much easier because at least then I didn't have to do this on my own.

But I didn't go back. And I finally found what I had been looking for in me.

I stopped caring so much about everyone else and what they thought of me, and I started living the way I wanted to live my life. I stopped trying to please everyone because I realized I was the only one I answer to and what someone else wanted or needed was their business and not mine.

I started setting strong boundaries to keep myself strong in who I was and keep other people’s issues from becoming enmeshed with my own. I started being only as responsible as I needed to be, and not responsible by anyone else’s standards.

I started knowing what was mine and what wasn't and being able to tell the difference.

I stopped changing myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I began to live my life for me without listening to that little voice that I was so used to hearing tell me I was being selfish. I finally knew the truth.

Now it’s your turn.

Find it in you.

What does he have that you don’t? What does he give you that you can’t give to yourself? What wings does he give you that you can’t give yourself? What does being with him bring to you that you don’t feel you can do without him? What is it that draws you to him? What need are you trying to fill?

This isn't about proving to yourself you don’t need anyone but you. It’s not about saying no to someone who is on your page and compatible with you.  It’s about discovering that you don’t need to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated simply because you don’t think you can live without him. It’s about giving to yourself everything he gives you so that you can have the life and the love you’re always wanted that’s found in the true living of your own life. It’s about feeling that beautiful confidence of knowing you can do this for you.

You don’t need the halfway version of living vicariously through someone else

Go find the real thing in you.

How about you - what need are you trying to fill with the men that you've been choosing? Share your story with us in the comments.

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

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A beautiful blond woman sits against a wall in Spain thinking that he's lost his feelings for me.Our beautiful friend Emilie is in a long distance relationship, but her guy is drifting away and becoming emotionally distant.

Her email:

I've met this guy two years ago in Spain and we went out, there was clearly a spark there. We kept in touch and I went back to Spain this summer and we fell madly in love, it was crazy. So we were able to keep our ldr but now he started university and he seems to have lost his feelings for me...I really want him back so please give me  anything!

My Response:

Know that you can't make anyone love you or want to be with you, Emilie. You can only give him the time and space he's asking for and let him fill in that space himself by contacting you, by making an effort to continue with a long distance relationship.

And then you can keep living your own life, and focusing on you, and reminding yourself that love is about two people who want to be together, who are both on the same page and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I know it's hard to accept that he might not be there right now, that he might be focused on starting university and this new life he's begun for himself that makes him more distant than close. But know that if it's meant to be, if he wants the same thing as you, it will happen.

But in the meantime, accepting this, realizing that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, you can see this as an opportunity to see what else is out there for you, to be open to what shows up and what resonates with you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, Emilie, so know that whether it's this guy or not, you'll always know who's right for you because he'll want this too. It's never about you having to convince someone you want to be with him, it's about him discovering this for himself and wanting to make sure you know he does!

I know this is easier said than done, when your heart only wants him, but if you can keep this perspective, you'll eventually come to see this for yourself, too. Don't take what he does or doesn't do personally, this is only about him and where he's at and not you!

Love,

Jane

Can you relate? Share your story and words of encouragement with Emilie in the comments!

Thoughts On The Law of Attraction

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A beautiful woman is sitting cross legged using the law of attraction to attract her ideal man.One of our beautiful readers, Jenny, is wondering if the Law of Attraction really works. Here are my thoughts - what are yours?

Hi Jane,

Doing such a good cause truly truly inspiring me 🙂 You are so beautiful, both in and out.

Reading about you, you mentioned studied in SFU before brought back lots of good memories for me. I lived in Vancouver before and studied in Columbia College almost two decades ago, you know Vancouver Canada is the most beautiful city I ever lived in my life. That ONE year was the best year in my entire life.  I love Canada.

Jane, do you believe in applying Law of Attraction to attract the soul mate?

I feel hopeless in finding that one man and one satisfying relationship. I am 39 and still single. I am kind of like giving up. No worry, I am not depressed at all BUT just accepting the reality I am facing now. I do not wish to marry for the sake of marry due to "old age" as I saw too many unsatisfying marriages - this is depressing, tiring and demotivating ! I do not wish to be in that "unsatisfying group" one day.

Love,

Jenny

My Response:

Dear Jenny,

Even though I'm living in the US now, I still love Canada, too, and eventually would love to live back in Vancouver with my family one day - if I can ever convince my husband!

I believe in a combination of things, Jenny. I believe that we attract people into our lives based on where we're at in our own lives and what we're both subconsciously and consciously putting out there.

But it's not just about sitting alone at home trying to attract someone by thinking and picturing and imagining them. It's about action as well. It's about living your life to its fullest, doing all those things you would be doing if you were with someone, emulating that type of confidence and conviction about who you are and what you have to offer.

It's about really getting in touch with the beautiful essence of you so that that essence is what you're putting out there so that someone who's looking for exactly that can see you and be drawn to you.

So yes, while I would picture what your life would be like with your ideal partner, I would feel what that would feel like more than a specific picture of what he looks like or acts like, because it's really that feeling of being in love - the way you feel - that being with someone is all about.

So I would then take that feeling and apply it to your life.

What makes you feel that way? Where would you go to feel like that? What things would you do? What activities, events, hobbies, etc. would you be involved in?

I've been working for a very long time on a video course that I'm finally launching early in the New Year, and I'll be speaking to all of this in much more detail there. But for now, I hope this gives you something more to go on - I truly believe there is someone for everyone - and I do believe there's an energy within us that attracts someone who's right for us when we're truly ready to receive that, when we come to love and accept who we are, and radiate that type of confidence that knows this and knows exactly what we want and just how deserving we are of receiving it.

There's no too late, or not enough within us - no reason to be hard on ourselves or expect anything more of ourselves than exactly where we're at - it's all a process and it's all a part of our own individual journeys, even if we can't understand why.

Don't ever doubt that there's still more to come for you, Jenny; you have so much to offer someone who's looking for exactly who you are!

Find out what more you want to do, where else you want to go, listen to those little nudgings inside yourself and see what shows up - and comes up within - for you!

Hope this helps and resonates on some level...

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you believe that the Law of Attraction really works? Do you have any other advice for our friend Jenny? Tell us about it in the comments!

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? A beautiful confident woman leans against a tree in a park.One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

 

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