breakup

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

One of our loving, caring readers had been living with her boyfriend for several years when he suddenly disappeared on her.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane.

Where to start....

My ex boyfriend & I were together 3 years we live about an hour apart from each other & so he moved in with me after about 6 months that's when I started to see his real personality & things changed, yet still I loved him with every being in my body every part of me would do absolutely anything to stand by him right or wrong & just wanted to be with him.

I've since found out he has narcissistic personality disorder & so most of my love & emotions & feelings might of been or still be cause I have been brainwashed & sucked in to his web of lies.

So on valentines day this year (2014) he left & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents lived about an hour away & he would be back home that afternoon/evening and we would spend it together and make it special. It's the 18th of July & I've not seen spoken to him or heard from him, he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned.

I have been going insanely crazy distraught devastated and just constantly crying... how can he say he loves me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me.

I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered her phone & said he was home but away from the house & he is busy she will get him to call me... Needless to say HE HASN'T!

Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my iPad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren't sitting on my iPad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hello new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex.

I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birth date was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy one who has lost the plot, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn't for hurting my mum & dad I would be not be here right now...

I've invested 3 years in & loved & trusted & cared I put up with domestic violence and abuse and defended him in court & all all so he can do all this to me, yet even with all the hurt I still just miss him like crazy and want him back or some kind of contact, I don't feel I can move on at all I'm just in bed when not at work I don't go out I don't talk to any one I don't socialize I'm just so broken I can't even pick myself up to start again... I'm depressed I don't leave the house I hate myself I don't want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.

I am lost with what to do next please help I love reading all the other readers emails I just don't think I can cope

Thank you,

- Lost Jennifer

My response:

You’re none of those words you’re using to describe yourself, Jennifer. You've just fallen into the trap that all too many of us fall into. You've forgotten who you are, what you have to offer, and you’re left in this place where this person has become everything to you and you've become nothing.

It’s a familiar place to so many of us.

None of this is about you. The words he says that contradict his actions show you who he really is and just what he isn't capable of giving you. The hardest part of an ending like this is that what you feel more than anything is the investment of your beautiful heart and soul. You’re left with such longing for the rest of the story. The one you believed in, the one you told yourself that you could eventually get to with him, as long as you hung on and held out the way you did.

It’s a beautiful thing this loving, giving, caring, soul of yours, Jennifer. But it’s not meant to be given to someone who gives you so little in return.

He can’t give you what you long for because he isn't capable of this. And no matter how much you want to believe in the fantasy of what could be if only he could see this the way you do, you can’t. You can’t make him change. You can’t make him come around and see what he’s missing in you.

You can’t make him want you.

You can't make him love you.

You can’t make him be with you.

And while you can’t see this for yourself right now while you’re still in the pain of what you’re going through, the truth is that you don’t really want him to.

You’re worth so much more than someone who you have to do this much work for, who isn't doing this much work for you. You’re worth so much more than someone who can treat you like this, who can disappear, who can leave you wondering if he’s dead or alive, who isn't capable of feeling anything but what he feels himself. This is all about him. It’s what he wants it to be.

And it was the only way for you to see what you really had, and what you didn't really have.

I know we fight it, we resist the greatest lessons we’re meant to learn. But you couldn't do this anymore. Living like this with someone like this. This giving of yourself to someone like this. This sacrificing your true self to tell yourself a convincing enough story to remain with someone like this. We can only do it for so long before something happens to wake us up to the reality of what’s really going on.

It’s your turn, Jennifer. There’s a reason you found him and he found you. There’s a reason you saw only what you wanted to see in him. There’s a reason he’s had such a hold on you. And that reason is what you’re being given a chance to take a glimpse into.

Who does he represent to you? Why him?

Because when we love someone like this, when we give so much of ourselves to someone like this to the detriment of ourselves, it’s never about real love, but always about something we’re trying to prove or show or find in someone else because we can’t find it in ourselves.

What is that? What does he do for you?

You start right now where you are. You take a tiny step forward. You venture just a little bit out of your comfort zone. You take a look at that beautiful woman in the mirror who has no idea of her worth, who has no idea of who she is, of what she brings to the table, of how much she deserves to be loved by someone capable of loving her for exactly who she is.

You can’t see her yet, but she’s there. She’s been waiting for you for such a long time. To notice her, to wrap your arms around her and whisper to her that everything’s going to be OK.

Because it is.

It’s her chance to be who she’s never been. It’s her chance to see what she’s never been able to see. It’s her chance to love and be loved in a way she’s never known love.

Feel everything you’re feeling. Accept your feelings. Let them come as they arrive and then let them go. When you fight them, you miss the healing that’s found in accepting where you are and what you’re feeling. You miss the chance to see that you’re so much more than these feelings alone. That you have a say. And that you don’t have to take on anyone else’s baggage anymore.

That’s what happens to us when we’re so down on ourselves like this. When you become your own harshest critic and dole out the most judgmental words that anyone else ever could. It’s because you’re taking on what isn't yours.

You’re free, Jennifer. Underneath the weight of all of these past 3 years and however many more years before then that you've been taking on the weight of all these men who couldn't give you what you needed and placed all the blame on you, there’s a beautiful soul crying out to be free. To have her life back.

Start there. Start by slowly creating the life for yourself that you never knew. Who are you? What do you like to do? Where do you want to go? What do you want to be? What stirs your soul? What are you passionate about? Go there. Surround yourself with the ones who love you and adore you and support you through this. Write what’s on your heart, write it all out with pen and paper so you can feel your words come to life. What do you want to say? What are you no longer going to be silent about?

It’s why we can’t keep doing this. It’s why it ends when we can’t see what it’s doing to us anymore. It’s why we’re given a second chance on our lives like this.

Don’t fight it. Feel it. You’re so much stronger that you realize and you will get through this too.

Love,

Jane

Moving On After a Breakup

51 Comments

A beautiful woman sits on a park bench thinking about moving on after a breakup Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.

Her story:

Hi Jane,

I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.

I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.

All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.

Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.

Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.

Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.

But it's just so hard to let go!

I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.

Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.

I guess I don't know how to let go.

I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.

I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

- K

My response:

Dear K,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.

And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.

It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality. Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”

What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.

It's not about him.

You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.

He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.

He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.

And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.

And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.

And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.

Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality. It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.

Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.

What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.

You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.

But there’s so much more to do.

You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.

Write him a letter, K.

This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.

And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.

Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.

Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.

It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.

It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.

And remember, I’m with you all the way.

Love,

Jane

Surviving a Breakup

54 Comments

A beautiful woman is sad as she is surviving a breakup, and is laying her head on a pillow. Our beautiful reader, who has signed her name "Defeated", is desperately looking for advice on surviving a breakup. She has spent the last 5 and a half years with her boyfriend only to have him suddenly breakup with her and move to another city.

Here's her story:

Hi,

I could do with some advice..

My boyfriend and I were together for 5 and a half years. We lived together for 5. We hardly ever argued and loved each other very very much.

It was a good relationship, we had no issues about control, trust, money. We integrated into each others families, our parents met. It was a serious relationship. We shared so many good times together and supported each other completely through both good and bad.

The problem we did have was that he couldn't commit further. I remember clearly a conversation we had about a year and a half into our relationship, I told him that this was it for me that I knew he was who I wanted to settle down with. That by the time I was 30 I wanted to be either married or engaged to him.

I told him my biggest fear was being single at 30 and having to start again.

Well fast forward a few years and out of the blue he breaks up with me. Ends a 5 and a half year long relationship in less than half an hour.

It was a month before my 30th birthday.

No arguments lead up to it or anything. He was still telling me he loved me and planning to take a trip abroad together right up until the morning when he just woke up, sat me down and said 'I can't do this anymore'.

Its now 2 months since that terrible morning and I can't move on.

He says that we need to cut all contact. He acts like he wants to block me out completely. He's even moved to a different city, 6 hours away. But..we are supposed to meet up in September to see if he's changed his mind.

He says that he doesn't know. That he doesn't think he will want to get back together and if he had to decide now he'd say he doesn't want to but that having time apart might change the way he feels and that- if I want to- I can give him time to see if it does and so that he can be 100% sure.

Of course I want him to be sure and of course I'm going to cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me. I love him and want it to work so have to give it every chance possible but its just so hard.

He says that its not fair on me if he asked me to wait but he's done it by saying 'if you want to wait till September you can'. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I'm going crazy! How can I let him go yet wait for him to decide at the same time?! Its impossible. This means that I can't even grieve the relationship properly because it may not be over for good. I can't not wait for him to decide.

He says he knows its him who has the problems, that there's nothing he would change about me and nothing I've done wrong yet when I get angry at him and push him to better communicate what he feels he then starts saying its that we grew apart, that he really felt like he was very distant from me.

It hurts that he's able to not contact me when the longest I've been able to go without contacting him is 3 days.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

- Defeated

My response:

I so hear your pain, Defeated. It's never easy surviving a breakup like this. I feel the depth of your heartbreak.

When you say you’re willing to “cling onto any minuscule of hope I can get. However unhealthy, painful and damaging it is for me”, you can know that you've given your power away.

Of course it feels crazy.

Of course it’s hard to do this, because it’s not what we’re meant to do. It’s not what real love is about. Love is never about making anyone commit to us, or love us, or give us what they don’t have to give.

It may have been that you turning 30 – and the terms you set for that “milestone” - was in the back of his mind as a milestone for him, too. He came to terms with where he was at and what he was able to give you, and recognized that he wasn't there on the same page as you.

And so you heard where he was at when he said “if you want to wait till September you can'.” He’s put the ball in your court letting you know where he stands, and leaving it up to you what you want to do with that.

Don’t wait for September, Defeated. You’re not defeated! You’re empowered! You set the terms of what you knew in your heart you were not willing to settle for and now you know what his terms are. This is huge! Now you know what page he’s on. Now you know what he can and can’t give you. I know it may not feel that way right now, but knowledge is powerful!

I have a feeling you’re questioning yourself more than anything else. You’re not sure if you have a right to say what you need and refuse to settle for anything less than that. You’re afraid you made a mistake by setting your own boundaries and making them known to him.

Don’t second-guess yourself. We say what we do for a reason. We define what it is we’re looking for so we can find it. We remain true to ourselves so we can live with ourselves.

As hard as it is to accept this, the reality is that someone can only be the one who’s right for you if they want to be that one.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t look back with regrets at what you didn't do or didn't know or wish you’d done differently. Start right where you are right now with a huge dose of self-love for who you are and what you bring to the table. Nothing’s changed. You’re still the beautiful woman with so much to offer someone who’s looking for the long-term picture the way you are.

Don’t put your life on hold between now and September. Find it in you, D. Trust me, it's there.

The key to surviving a breakup like this is to start creating the life that you were made for. There’s a world out there for you to find and discover that will resonate with your heart and soul and the longing you have for someone to share your dreams and your life with you.

Surround yourself with the people who love and support you, discover the activities and hobbies and things that you’re passionate about and bring more of what you want into your life.

Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel alive and what shows you all the beautiful things about this life of yours.

This isn't about giving up on a dream; it’s finding out what the dream really was and if it was only your own.

I know the last thing you wanted to do was to start over. I know you feel you shouldn't have to. I know you’re angry that you’re in this position.

And underneath all those feelings is so much fear.

But you’re not alone and you’re going to get through this to the other side and discover the life that will make you happier than you ever could have been otherwise. With someone who’s on the same page and wants the same thing and doesn't have to be convinced of this by anyone outside of himself.

And most importantly, let go of the September timeline. It doesn't mean anything unless something changes on his end, and that can come at any time – or not. But don’t build your life around it. If he gets on your page, if he comes to where you are, you’ll absolutely be the first to know.

You’re the living, loving kind, not the waiting kind. And right now, you've got a life to live.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Defeated should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

106 Comments

A man is walking down a path through a green field into misty fog representing a man who disappeared without an explanation from his relationship. — I am in so much pain.

Our dear friend, Sophia, has recently had an experience with "the disappearing man" and needs our help!

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been reading your blogs and they have really made me start to look at my life. The information is very helpful and also the advice of others that read your blog.

I am in so much pain. I recently got dumped by the disappearing man. It has been very hard because even though I felt like something was wrong and asked him throughout the relationship did he want to be with me he lied and said that he did.

My problem is I have read the blogs on letting go and your recently one today about using your head and heart, but am so angry.

I still want to see him, I still think about him, and I still want an answer to why even though I know there really is no reason for you to just disappear on someone without an explanation.Continue Reading

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

30 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Kathy, recently wrote me a letter that brought up many points that really resonated with me. So many of the things she wrote about are such central themes to this blog, and I know from her letter that what she really needs right now is our support.

Her letter:

Hi Jane,

I feel like I'm treading water surviving the emotional pain that's ongoing as I adjust to my boyfriend of 4 years breaking up with me suddenly..turning me off like a faucet after telling me he is in love zillions of times..that we are compatible etc.

In response to your newsletter and so many painful stories people share it seems like so often it's difficult when one is in a relationship to know what expectations are reasonable. If we haven't had good role models in our past sometimes we don't trust our instincts when we "think" there are red flags. I said think to show doubt..as often we don't even know if everyone has these kinds of problems!

Often when we find something in the relationship to be upsetting to us..and we share that with our boyfriend getting a negative result we can feel like OUR perspective on the situation is the problem because we don't have confidence in knowing what is reasonable...or we don't trust our instincts.

Also I find myself being the introspective one in a relationship..if a conflict arises I think about what I can do to make things better and I put myself in check to understand why something is so important to me. It's so painful when one's partner is not also caring enough to think about their own behavior or position.

When one doesn't trust their instincts or perceptions then there can be an unfortunate result of caving in to another's position. Eventually this can even become demeaning to one's self. It seems that if two are truly in love they'd be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve a conflict, to compromise at the very least..and to absolutely seek to share their thoughts and understand.

Jane, thank you so much for all your support!

My response:

I so hear you, Kathy; everything you're saying, and exactly as you're saying it. We can feel so alone in this, feeling like we are the only ones going through this journey of trying to navigate what is reasonable, what is not, and how to honor and love yourself while still relating to another person with their own ideas about the same things at the same time.

And when we're not sure if we're worth it, or if we can trust ourselves, let alone what anyone else says, we drift even further from our beautiful true selves.

I'll be addressing some of your thoughts here in some future posts, Kathy; you've brought up some of the very things I used to ask myself. You're never alone in what you're going through and as hard as it is right now, stay with yourself, listen to your own beautiful heart and soul and know that you will get through this by remembering that this is about him, not you; that you have to be on the same page to have a real relationship, and that the very last thing you want to do is blame yourself or beat yourself up here for anything you think you could or "should" have done differently.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Much love to you, my beautiful friend. We're going to get there to that place where it doesn't matter about our past and what we didn't have or didn't get doesn't matter. You are worth more than this and just because someone behaved a certain way or answered you in a certain way doesn't mean there is anything wrong with what you want or what you're asking for.

You can't ask for too much from someone who is right for you!

Love,

Jane

Can you offer any additional words of encouragement and support for our beautiful friend Kathy? Tell us in the comments!

Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

29 Comments

I was on the internet the other day and I tripped across another song from my single days that once again brought back so many memories of the tears and heartache that so many of these songs personify.

Do any of you remember this song?

The theme is one that most of us have sung to ourselves at one time or another when we let someone go who we didn't really want to let go of. (There’s a male version of this theme that we’d all like to believe he’s singing to himself while crying over his own broken heart, but the likelihood of that is right up there with him singing along with the REO Speedwagon lyrics we’ve talked about before.)Continue Reading

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

He Went Out to Pick Something Up and He Completely Disappeared!

Here's her email:

My response:

Moving On After a Breakup

Her story:

My response:

Surviving a Breakup

Here's her story:

My response:

He Disappeared Without An Explanation

Here's her story:

What Expectations Are Reasonable?

Her letter:

My response:

Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

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