boundaries

Wondering Why Clarity Matters? Here's Why

slender long-haired woman wearing white summer dress while walking on a green meadow towards a bright and sunny horizon. — The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have.

When you don't know exactly what you want, when you don't know exactly what you're worth, when you don't know exactly what you deserve, you get exactly that.

A little of this, a little of that, but never what you're actually looking for - and what you actually want - underneath it all.

When you say "I'll see what I like, I'll see what I want", that's when you get EVERYTHING because now you're going to need to narrow it down.

Because the reality is, you actually do have preferences. You actually do have behaviors you won't tolerate.

That's why you're getting the ones you do, because if you don't first have that inner clarity, you're going to get a chance to find it - and that's usually not what we want, but it's what we get because it's what we need.

Sorting through is this process we're in.

Will you accept this? No, then how about this? Still not right? Ok, what about this?

Where are those boundaries you've never allowed yourself to have? The faster you go through this process, the more clarity you're going to have to get to what you actually want!

What No One Ever Tells You About Boundaries

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A white fence in a pasture representing boundaries in a relationship. — Boundaries. Here's why we need them.

Be a good little girl.

Be nice.

Mind your manners.

Take turns.

Share.

Put others first.

Don’t rock the boat.

Smile nicely.

Be polite.

You learned them all so well. Too well, I'll bet.

These weren’t just words to you. They defined you. You became such a good little girl, so cooperative, so nice to have around. So responsible, so predictable. So nice.Continue Reading

Why Didn't I Set Boundaries With Him?

25 Comments

One of our dear readers, Sheryl, has written to me wondering why she was unable to set boundaries with her previous boyfriend - it's a very common situation and one that so many of us find ourselves in.

Here's her email:

I've done a considerable amount of soul searching the past week after a difficult deceitful break up. I realized that I set no boundaries with this man which is so unlike me.

After literally making a list of my assets (what I have to offer) what I want in a relationship and then what "he" turned into after the first 6 month, I tolerated the most immature, crude, cruel behavior I have ever seen.

I'm struggling as to WHY? Why would I have put up with something that was truly so unacceptable to me... even at the time.

My Response:

That's great you made this list, Sheryl. It really puts it in perspective when you can see just how much you have to offer and what you were putting up with.

We all have our reasons that we go into that place, where we forget who we are and what we deserve. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this and realizing that setting your own boundaries around someone else's behaviors are the key to getting what you want – and avoiding what you don't – in any relationship.

Whenever we find ourselves putting up with certain behaviors that we wouldn't normally allow, there's an exchange going on that we may not even realize. As in, what you were getting in return from him offered you something that was worth more to you than calling him on it and refusing to put up with it, or simply walking away.

Since you obviously understand the way boundaries work and you're in touch with your own, there was clearly something there that seemed worth it to you at the time, even if you weren't consciously aware of what it was.

Look closer at what he had that drew you to him.

Why were you with him in the first place? Why did you remain with him while he was exhibiting these behaviors?

Don't look for these answers as further reasons to beat yourself up; look at them as clues to understanding some triggers deep within you that you may not even realize you have.

Sometimes it takes a certain type of person under certain kinds of circumstances for us to see something – and learn something – that we wouldn't otherwise have learned.

That's the real gift in these experiences. There's always a reason if we're willing to see it – and learn from it.

But don't let this derail you, Sheryl.

Too often we look at these at yet another opportunity to shrink back and stay stuck in the "why" instead of asking the questions, finding our answers and becoming aware, and then moving on to making whatever changes we need to make in our lives out of our new awareness.

Don't stay in the why. Come out into the beautiful light of you.

Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our dear friend Sheryl? Share them with us in the comments!

Find It In You

26 Comments

There’s a reason you’re so drawn to him. It’s no accident he’s the one you've chosen, even if it doesn't seem like it.

And it makes perfect sense that you feel like you can’t live without him, that you can’t let him go, that you need him in your life to live.

I understand completely even though most everyone else you use these words with doesn't. And they don’t understand because they can’t.

But you do, so well.

This reason you’re so drawn to him, it’s because you’re so good at attracting exactly what you need. It’s because you’re such a beautiful loving, caring, sensitive soul that you've found exactly the type of person who gives you a new feeling of confidence and boldness that you, too, can do anything and be anything when you’re around him.

Of course he makes you laugh, of course you’re so happy when you’re with him.

His is the life you want for you! His way is the ease with which you want your life to be lived by you. And he makes it seem so believable, so possible, and so within your reach.

You can let down your guard, stop trying to please everyone, stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and stop being oh so responsible.

You can breathe.

He's almost everything you wish you could be more like, even if you don’t realize it yourself. His lack of caring about everyone else, his lack of needing to please anyone but himself, his ability to set such strong boundaries to keep everyone from getting too close, his attitude of irresponsibility.

He knows what’s his and what isn't and he has no problem separating the two. He may even tell you this is who he is, and people can either like or leave it.

And of course, he’s talking about you here, too.

It wasn't until I finally realized how little I was actually getting out of these relationships, how one-sided they truly were, that I started seeing a pattern to the men I was attracted to and attracting. They were one and the same. They were all various versions of this same theme.

It was because I was always looking for someone outside of myself to give me permission to live the life I always dreamed of. It was because I didn't think I could do what I wanted to do on my own.

It was because I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me and wanted everyone to like me, to approve of me, to accept me for who I was. It was because I feared failure, I feared disapproval, I feared being discovered that I wasn't everything I was supposed to be by the standards I had allowed others to set for me that weren't my own to begin with.

It wasn't until I repeated this same pattern enough times that I was finally able to see what was really going on.

I stopped trying to live off someone else. I started living for me.

I started making a list of everything I wanted to do. I ventured out of my comfort zones. I started asking myself the big questions I didn't think I had a right to ask.

I started looking at me, not him.

I started finding my own way, baby steps at first, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but knowing it was my own right to find my own way.

I stopped apologizing for not knowing.

I started accepting the things that I had always hated about myself.

I stopped seeing my negatives as liabilities and started seeing them as the qualities that made me who I am.

I made a list of things I wanted to work on, things I really did want to change, but I also started to accept where I was and who I was right then as well. And realizing that wherever I was starting from was OK. I realized I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and the only thing I was wasting by not getting started was my own life.

It was time.

It didn't happen overnight. But it did happen.

Not without doubts and not without fears. Not without so many two steps forward and one step backward wondering if I was doing the right thing or if any of this was really necessary. And not without having those moments where I simply wanted to give up and go back to the old model that seemed so much easier because at least then I didn't have to do this on my own.

But I didn't go back. And I finally found what I had been looking for in me.

I stopped caring so much about everyone else and what they thought of me, and I started living the way I wanted to live my life. I stopped trying to please everyone because I realized I was the only one I answer to and what someone else wanted or needed was their business and not mine.

I started setting strong boundaries to keep myself strong in who I was and keep other people’s issues from becoming enmeshed with my own. I started being only as responsible as I needed to be, and not responsible by anyone else’s standards.

I started knowing what was mine and what wasn't and being able to tell the difference.

I stopped changing myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I began to live my life for me without listening to that little voice that I was so used to hearing tell me I was being selfish. I finally knew the truth.

Now it’s your turn.

Find it in you.

What does he have that you don’t? What does he give you that you can’t give to yourself? What wings does he give you that you can’t give yourself? What does being with him bring to you that you don’t feel you can do without him? What is it that draws you to him? What need are you trying to fill?

This isn't about proving to yourself you don’t need anyone but you. It’s not about saying no to someone who is on your page and compatible with you. It’s about discovering that you don’t need to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated simply because you don’t think you can live without him. It’s about giving to yourself everything he gives you so that you can have the life and the love you’re always wanted that’s found in the true living of your own life. It’s about feeling that beautiful confidence of knowing you can do this for you.

You don’t need the halfway version of living vicariously through someone else

Go find the real thing in you.

How about you - what need are you trying to fill with the men that you've been choosing? Share your story with us in the comments.

Am I Being Stupid?

41 Comments

Our beautiful friend, Layla, is in a friends with benefits situation and is asking for our help.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

Please can you post this message, as I want to get as much feedback as I can...I am really at the end with this one!

I came across your website today and it really prompted me to write to you for some advice/help.

I have a "friend" who I became close with about 6 months ago and we started sleeping together.

He told me from the start that he did not want to date me and I simply agreed. I thought I could end it anytime and I realize now that I can't.

We have spent every single day together for 6 months, he has met my family, we go out together, movies together etc...

About 3 months ago he moved into my place for about a month, as he lost his job and I told him to come...I then ask him to move out again, as I was struggling with the situation and not being able to call him my boyfriend.

We have done everything together, we got invited to weddings together, cook together, sleep together...EVERYTHING!

He told me I am beautiful and often compliments me, hold my hand, hugs me, kisses me and tries to encourage me.... then there is the other side... he is unemployed, smokes a lot of weed, can sometimes insult me without thinking and often says things about other girls and ask me if I am jealous.

He tells me I deserve to find a good guy but, he will not date me because I am not 'pure' and have a past.

He still smokes weed daily but, I do not give him money for it and he is staying with another guy now who supports him.

Often when we are getting to close, he will tell me that we are not a couple and when I have asked him what he thinks we are...he says really good friends!

When I talk about other guys, he gets jealous and he has very low self-esteem and is always asking me if he is good looking enough, smart enough etc.

I tried to sit him down twice and tell him I can't do this anymore and I even cried my eyes out but, he said he understood and left for 3 weeks. We talk every day on the phone and text and he always says he misses me and loves spending all the time he has with me but, I don't get it!!!

Part of me knows that I need to be strong enough and walk away from this situation, but part of me does not want to lose him and would like us to be just friends.

I don't want to have another talk with him because he says I always push him out when I feel guilty, which is true.

How to I practically deal with this situation, when he texts me every day and asks to come and see me?

Although he no longer stays with me, there are times he comes and stays over... even if there is no sex involved... he will just hug me and watch a movie! I am struggling, this is not my idea of a relationship and I know deep down I deserve to be loved, but I keep justifying that maybe he went through a lot and needs someone to show him she is not going to leave like they all did.... I don't know anymore!

Layla

My Response:

Dear Layla,

There's always a reason we start to question what we're doing.

You see, deep down inside, we know if a situation isn't right for us. We don't really need anyone to tell us.

We know.

We can go for a long time making excuses for someone and convincing ourselves why we should stay and accept the behaviors we're accepting in exchange for whatever benefits we believe we're getting in return.

But at some point, that little nudging within ourselves starts getting a little louder, pushing us to be heard, until we can no longer ignore what's really going on.

And then it begins.

We start to question, we start to ask ourselves kind of questions that get us thinking about what's really going on. We start to see things we didn't see before. And then, as you're now finding out, we come to a place where we no longer wonder if this is OK or not.

Deep down, we know.

And that's where it all begins, Layla.

You see, you're not here to rescue him - or anyone else. Your role isn't to save him to the detriment of your own beautiful self. He's a grown man, and although he may have self-esteem issues and may be going through a hard time right now, these are his issues to sort out and not yours.

I understand you care, you want to help, you want to show him a different kind of love, but the way that he's treating you - the things that he's saying to you - isn't how anyone deserves to be treated.

You've already tried talking to him about all this, and you've gotten your answer from him: he's not going to date you, he doesn't want a committed relationship with you, he's not going to give you anything more than this. He's quite content with the way things are.

And why wouldn't he be? He has you, this beautiful woman you are with so much to offer, so much to give, without having to make any kind of commitment.

It's because you're such a beautiful soul that you're able to convince yourself that you can help him, that he deserves to be helped, and you're so giving, loving, caring, and understanding that you do this so naturally.

All the benefits of a girlfriend, of someone with such a beautiful giving heart as you, and he gets to have all this without giving you anything but a little intimacy and some company when he feels like it. He has it so good!

You know all this, Layla.

Deep down, you know. Trust yourself, trust your gut instincts here.

His terms are clear, but what are yours? This is always your decision, you are doing the choosing here, and it comes down to what you're willing to accept and what you're not.

Define your own terms, set your own boundaries.

You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same kind of committed relationship as you do, and is willing to do whatever it takes to have that with you. That's what you deserve, my beautiful friend!

Take out the fear, take out the feeling that this is all there is for you, that he's as good as you're going to get.

These aren't truths, these are fears that have no basis and no place in our lives. It's the opposite, Layla. There is so much more awaiting you! There is such an abundance of love out there for you! Don't hold yourself back believing that love will conquer all and he'll eventually come around, or that you're the heroine in a tragic fairytale.

None of these are true.

What is true is that this is your life to create the way you want it to be be. You choose who you allow in it. You choose what behaviors you allow and which ones you don't. You choose who can call you, who can date you, who can spend time with you, who can have sex with you. You're the one doing the choosing here and not the other way around.

If you've truly had enough, then you know what to do Layla. You are that strong if you want to be.

You can cut off contact with the touch of a button. You can end the back and forth with a word, with an action, with a changed lock if he has a key, with a refusal to open your door and your life - but only if you choose to.

It isn't unkind, it isn't mean, it isn't selfish, it's what loving yourself and putting yourself and your own needs before anyone else looks like.

It is always, always your choice!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? What would you do if you were in Layla's situation? Tell us in the comments!

Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

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I was on the internet the other day and I tripped across another song from my single days that once again brought back so many memories of the tears and heartache that so many of these songs personify.

Do any of you remember this song?

The theme is one that most of us have sung to ourselves at one time or another when we let someone go who we didn't really want to let go of. (There’s a male version of this theme that we’d all like to believe he’s singing to himself while crying over his own broken heart, but the likelihood of that is right up there with him singing along with the REO Speedwagon lyrics we’ve talked about before.)Continue Reading

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30

Wondering Why Clarity Matters? Here's Why

What No One Ever Tells You About Boundaries

Why Didn't I Set Boundaries With Him?

Here's her email:

My Response:

Find It In You

It was time.

Find it in you.

Am I Being Stupid?

Her Letter:

My Response:

Deep down, we know.

None of these are true.

Should I Take Him Back? 5 Ways to Avoid Another Heartbreak

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