Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

Should I Have Stuck Around?

12 Comments

A letter from another beautiful reader, Katrina:

Hmmm... where do I begin... it's been over three months since I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend and since then I can't help but feel that I did something wrong.

I knew it wasn't normal to have crying spells every morning on my way to work because of the way he was acting. First of all, I'll admit I made mistakes by breaking up with him on two separate occasions during our year and ten month relationship.

I understand it's not normal to break up with someone but each of those times I broke it off because I felt unappreciated, unwanted, and unloved.

Might I add, I immediately apologized and talked through our problem. The day we broke up he was staying with friends (a married couple and two other friends) at a beach house. He had been there for over four days with minimal contact with me. I was happy he was having such a great time.

The day I was supposed to meet him at the beach house, the weather was going to be awful. I suggested he come home and we could catch a movie and spend some time with each other. He didn't like that one bit. He accused me of "trying to ruin his vacation."

We went back and forth and eventually I began to spill what I had been holding back. I told him I was lucky to have minimum of four consecutive hours in a day with him while his friends got four whole days; I didn't like the way he was so rude to my family; the way he had no problem pressuring me to love out but I was scorned for bringing up marriage; and the way we rarely we went out on dates.

I asked lastly if I was asking for too much and he answered yes. I've made mistakes in the past and when he has pointed them out I always go above and beyond to remedy it. I guess I expected that from him.

I expected him to say you're right it's going to rain I'm on my way.

I felt judged by his friends.

I know I'm worth so much more. I wouldn't have invested four years of my life into a degree and graduated with honors from both schools if I didn't think I was worth something. I wanted him to be proud when he talked about me to his friends.

Nevertheless, he made me feel ordinary.

He was overly worried about trivial things such as spending the night. Not the fact that I was going somewhere, that I was stable, and longed for a family with HIM- no one else. I can't say it was all bad. When he tried my gosh he made me like a princess.

Nevertheless, I'm hoping to get an unbiased opinion- was I wrong?? Should I have stuck around?? Is there a chance he'll come back?

- Katrina

My response:

Trust yourself here, Katrina. There was a reason you broke up with him numerous times before. There was a reason you were having crying spells every morning on your way to work because of the way he was acting.

You knew something wasn't right, and even if you wanted to believe that you were the one with the problems, that you were the one making the mistakes, the reality is that it always takes two to make a relationship work, so this relationship was not your sole responsibility to take on!

You saw the signs that his friends were more of a priority than you, your body and mind and soul knew all this even if your heart was the last to finally accept what they already knew.

When you love like you do, my beautiful friend, when you give and hope and believe like you do, you so want to believe that it will still get better, that anything is possible and that he will still come around and commit to you like you so want him to.

But the problem with that beautiful hope is that when it's spent on someone who isn't worthy of you, who isn't there on the same page as you are and who doesn't want the same thing you do - and whose behavior clearly shows this by how he treats you! - then it is you who sells yourself short by questioning yourself and taking more than your share of the blame - and the guilt - for what you did or didn't do.

Take back your power, my beautiful friend. Don't go there. Don't get caught up in second-guessing yourself and questioning whether or not you did the right thing. You know. No more apologies, no more taking more responsibility for this than he's willing to take. You don't want someone in your life who is so quick to judge you, so quick to point out your mistakes, and so quick to place the blame on you.

You never have to beg for anything, Katrina. Love is your birthright. To be loved is not something you ever have to fight for. Either he loves you or he doesn't. Either he treats you the way you deserve to be treated, or he doesn't. Either he's on the same page as you or he isn't.

This isn't about him. This is about you.

You have so much to offer someone who's deserving of you. You have so much to offer someone who wants the same thing as you and treats you like the prize you are and not like someone he can treat however he chooses and expect that you'll always be there for him. We can forget what we deserve and settle for crumbs all too easily sometimes; but this is never what we deserve.

You absolutely did the right thing here! Of course it never feels that way when we look back and recall the good times more than the bad. When you're still alone, and he seems to have moved on all too well without you, it's only natural that we question ourselves and rethink our decision and wonder if there's still a chance he'll be back.

Only if he's there, Katrina. Only if he's on the same page as you and wants the same thing and is willing to do whatever it takes to build a real relationship with you and make that happen. That's what real love is and that's the absolute least of what you deserve! You know who you are; you know all that you have to offer someone who proves himself to be worthy of you.

Honor that beautiful woman you are, Katrina; be proud of yourself for being able to see what wasn't there and being strong enough to walk away even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Choose you, not him. Hold your own head up high; you know what you deserve!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Did Katrina do the right thing? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!

It's A Balance

11 Comments

There are days when it feels like nothing happens quickly enough.

These are the days when my patience gives into impatience and I find myself struggling with the fact that something is taking so much longer than I’d like instead of surrendering to the gentle flow of what is and allowing things to progress at the pace that is meant to be.

And I’m reminded of how similar a feeling this is to when I was single, when one of the biggest questions I had for the universe, for God – and for anyone who I thought knew more than I did on the subject – was how much am I supposed to do and how much was I supposed to let happen?

Because the problem was that it always seemed to be taking far too long when I let go and relinquished control, but when I stepped in and tried to make it happen I only seemed to mess everything up. There was the dilemma.

Fortunately, I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I've learned that it’s a balance.

It's a dance, if you will, of moving forward, of doing what each of us feels inspired to do, of doing what we need to do, of doing what life seems to ask of us to do by what it brings us. And then balancing that with who we are at our core. With our inherent gifts and passions, and abilities, and our dreams and our goals.

Doing what makes us happy, what makes the world a better place, what makes us live with ourselves in a beautiful state of peace and calm. At least that’s what we strive for.

It’s never perfect. It’s never quite the way we plan, and it’s never quite as easy as it sounds.

But it’s in that balance that we make a life for ourselves; a beautiful imperfect journey that never quite seems to move fast enough or have all the pieces we’d like it to have.

And sometimes there’s so many never-ending questions and so many decisions to be made that seem to have such consequential effects. And before we know it, we can become so bogged down in what isn’t and what we still need to do and become, that we forget to focus on the simplicity of where we are and all that we’ve already done.

So here you are, today, with so many questions, so many doubts, so many fears, hoping that something will come your way soon to change it all and make it all better and have it all make sense!

Find your balance, my beautiful friend.

Accept what is. Accept what isn’t. Work on changing what you want to make different. Work on accepting what you’re having such a hard time letting go of.

But most of all, remember the balance.

Is it really worth your peace of mind? Is he – or anyone else – really worth the effect he’s having on you? Is this really worth your beautiful you?

Just as I have to accept the reality that I can’t physically be there for each and every one of you to spend a day with you to walk with you in your shoes to be that cheerleader that I’d love to be so you could see yourself the way I do. So too do you have to accept your reality that where you are right now is where you are. But it doesn’t have to be done with such urgency. It's a journey.

Nothing has to be done with such impatience, such fear, such doubt, such self-loathing and longing for anything but the way things are now. One step at a time, one glimmer of light at a time, one a-ha moment at a time.

Let the universe or God or whatever you believe in light that way for you in answer to your hopes and dreams and prayers that you put out there.

But let your feet take you there as well.

A dance of both, coming together in their own beautiful time until somewhere along the way, you discover the same truth I discovered so many years ago.

There are so many different paths to the same place.

Yes, I could have gotten there sooner. Yes, it could have happened differently. And yes, it was so hard to wait for.

But somehow, in that dance, something else happens that's more than just an outcome. It’s the growing of yourself and that beautiful woman you are that it’s not just about an outcome but about a self-discovery of who you really are and how worthy you really are that is every bit as essential to this process as is the culmination of the love that you've been longing for.

It’s life-changing, my beautiful friend, and worth every single moment of the journey, no matter how long it seems to be taking, no matter how impatient we can be.

Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

18 Comments

A beautiful brunette woman is laying on her couch looking at her phone upset with a text from a guy that just wants a platonic relationship Hi Jane,

I started dating a great guy in February and my feelings for him had grown and he said he felt the same. Recently, we finally accepted the fact that we weren't good for each other.

I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship, but we both said we could be friends. Maybe I just miss the comfort of having him around and being to call him or text him whenever I wanted to. I don't see him as much and barely talk to him. He was really easy to talk to and I viewed us as friends before a crush or a partner.

He's the kind of person that I'd rather have in my life as a friend than not have at all.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing... He asked if I wanted to meet up last weekend, which I did. I didn't feel an emotional connection. There was a physical one, but I don't know if we should pursue that. I don't know if I should text him whenever or ask him to meet up whenever I want to.

Are there rules to how this works? I'm really confused...

Thanks,

Chanel

My Response:

No rules, Chanel, just what works for you, what you can live with, what your own terms are, and what you need. You'll know by his response what part of what you want works for both of you. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Keep it simple.

But hold your own beautiful heart in a special place so that it doesn't get broken believing that this could be more than it is. If it could be, it will be.

But in the process of being friends, or trying to remain friends after a break up, sometimes we can be confused into accepting an arrangement or someone else's terms that doesn't serve you well. So keep your head, don't get more involved in a friendship than is comfortable for you.

There are other men out there and it will be different than it was with him with someone else.

Maybe find some other ways to get your needs met that make it easier to have some space if it starts to feel complicated - you'll know what that means if you find that happening.

It takes time to move on, and it's very hard to move on from someone if they're still very much a part of your life. Only you know what that looks like for you, but give yourself some time and space if it feels like that might be what you need. Times change, seasons change, your outlook will change, too, as time goes by and you find yourself focusing more on yourself and what kind of a beautiful life you want to create for yourself.

An ending like this can be a new beginning, a time to explore possibilities you hadn't thought of before, and give you a fresh new start to your life. Take what resonates with you here, Chanel, and sit with the rest. In time, if you listen to your own heart and be true to yourself, you'll know what the next steps are.

One step at a time. You'll get there.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Chanel should do? Tell us about it in the comments!

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

39 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Tracey, sent in the following story about a man she reconnected with after 20 years who then pulled the disappearing act! She allowed me to share the story with all of you so that we can all learn from this all too common experience.

Her letter:

Hi Jane, I'm one of your followers from the UK, and i need your help.

I fell for the trap of somebody returning to my life after 20 years !!!

I was madly in love with him back then, but our relationship ended and he went onto marry somebody else. He separated at the end of last year, and in the January of this year he found me on facebook (ahh facebook, bringing people together).

We chatted non stop on facebook and by phone for 6 weeks for hours at a time.

It was like time had stood still.

Where had 20 years gone? Anyway, long story short, it was a long distance thing, but we did meet up for a weekend initially in February. It was great.

After that weekend we carried on chatting, although less frequently, and met again in July for a weekend. I met some of his friends, but then I started to realize that there were red flags popping up.

There was a woman - married, still with her husband I might add with a young child who was very obviously making a play for him. He did mention her, but said she was just a good friend, and he didn't think of her in that way!!!

She also called in to see him whilst I was visiting. We all sat and chatted for a while and then she left. She was always popping up on his FB page and then started leaving little cryptic messages and photos she had taken with him in them.

A few days after my July visit he sent me a message saying that he didn't like me discussing him/us with mutual friends - red flag again.

He was quite harsh actually. Why did he not want people to know about us?

Well, I guess he was keeping his options open, and probably didn't want this other woman to know anything was going on so she could carry on stroking his ego. I truly believe that they are having some kind of relationship. Call it a gut feeling if you like.

He must be a fool to have a relationship with somebody right on his doorstep especially as she is married with a child. He has 2 young children by the way, and shares custody with his ex.

Anyway after the harsh message about keeping things a secret, I didn't hear anything for about 3 days and then it was just a brief message to say he was going on holiday with the children for a few days. After that as I didn't hear from him.

So after 3 weeks of silence I deleted him and her from FB, I guess so I couldn't "stalk" their profiles. Did I do the right thing or was that the wrong thing to do?

I guess I did it for my own sanity really. We were intimate during my 2 visits, so I suppose what hurts more than anything is that I feel so used, yes and stupid for falling for him again. You'd think I'd know better at nearly 50 years old.

He left me with a broken heart 20 odd years ago, and I never really got over that. I suppose I thought things would be different this time around, but looking back I guess some people don't change.

Oh Jane, how do I move on from this?

I realize now that I bought into the fantasy of what it could have been rather than the reality of what it actually was. How could he hurt me and cast me aside so easily? I guess I was just an ego stroke, and somebody that he knew held him in high esteem. More fool me!!!

Why couldn't he just man up and say he didn't want me rather than just disappear?

It's so cowardly and disrespectful that a grown man could act this way to another person especially when he was the one who pursued me so vigorously in the beginning.

I guess I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, maybe I was just plain boring, who knows.

All I do know with certainty is I am heartbroken once again, by somebody who didn't treat me with care and respect. Any words of wisdom Jane would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and all the best from across the "Pond".

– Tracey

My Response:

Dear Tracey,

First of all, know that this wasn't about you at all, my beautiful friend. You didn't do anything wrong.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You weren't not enough of anything.

It is everything you say, you get all this, you understand exactly what happened when you think of it from a practical view.

He wasn't there, he never was, and yes, he took complete advantage of you.

And I know, it hurts, you feel so many emotions because it's so hard not to think of it emotionally and beat yourself up here, but don't.

You did what any believing, fantasizing, loving, caring, woman might have done - you got caught up in the romantic fantasy, the romantic ideal we all share to some extent, of what now, after so many years, might be! Don't take any of this personally, he's caught up in a game that you don't want any part of, and now you know.

So stop first and foremost with being so hard on yourself, Tracey. It doesn't matter how old you are, you're human. Give yourself a break.

Accept that this is what happened and whether or not it should have or not, whether he shouldn't have been able to treat you like this, whether he should have been a better human being than this, what happened happened.

Get it all out.

Write a letter to him, but don't send it.

Tell him everything you want to say, but don't do anything with it except use it to get your thoughts and feelings out because men like this don't care. As much as we want them to, they don't and that's why they can do this.

Forgive him, forgive yourself.

Accept he is who he is and you are who you are and be so glad you didn't get involved with him years ago and end up married to him living like this for more than a short season!

Laugh about if you can get there, and be so glad you have your own life and not his. Can you laugh at how crazy it is that he would think that he can behave like he did and have you not see right through it?

Separate as much as you can from this whole thing. You did the best with what you knew at the time, and now you know what he's really like, and you can accept the reality and put this all behind you. You've been saved from anything more!

I know the intimacy is tough to let go of, but know that even there, it was more of a fantasy than reality and there's no reason to be hard on yourself.

And then when you're ready, be done with him.

Tear up what you wrote to him, realize he is not worth wasting one more second of your beautiful time and energy on, and then forgive yourself and him again anytime you're tempted to go there and think about him again.

Celebrate your humanness, your ability to believe in love and that romantic believer you are. Those are beautiful qualities, Tracey, when you're with the right guy.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

I've found it especially healing to write whenever an old memory came up that made me doubt myself or be hard on myself - you may find this helpful, too.

But most of all, since what keeps us stuck is usually our own beating ourselves up and being so hard on ourselves, the more you can do to reinforce all the beautiful qualities about yourself and what you know to be true, by spending time doing the things you love to do, are passionate about doing and make you feel good about yourself, the easier it will be to move on for you.

Can you take a vacation? Can you give yourself a change of scenery by redecorating or creating something new? Can you follow a new dream, a new idea, a new project, a new cause - something like that?

Because it's when you focus on you, when you focus on what you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself, you'll find him fading into the background.

I hope this helps a little. It'll get easier in time.

Infuse as much humor as you can into your life, Tracey, as I find this to be such a cure-all with some of the experiences I've been through, once you can get to that. But in general, be so gentle on yourself and your heart.

It's OK. All of it. We do the best with what we know at the time. At any age!

Lots of love to you,

Jane

What do you think? Any other advice for our beautiful, kind-hearted friend Tracey on how to move on? Tell us about it in the comments!

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

18 Comments

One of our beautiful readers recently made an observation about how I tend to talk more about letting go and getting out of a relationship that isn't working than I do about working harder to make it work. She made a very good point, and it really got me thinking.

It's very true. I do.

But there’s a reason.

It’s because staying in a bad relationship and trying to make it work is an area where most of us don't need any encouragement. We are some of the hardest working, most well-intentioned fighters to keep any relationship going. We'll just keep on trying to row that boat up a waterfall even though we're the only ones doing any of the paddling.

We're oh so understanding, hopeful and so, so optimistic. We always believe we can make him love us.

And that’s exactly why we’re hurting and having our hearts broken all too much of the time.

You’re the first to say, “We can work it out”. You’re the first to stay and try to prove just how much your relationship is worth fighting for.

Your willingness to do this is not the problem.

It’s who you’re choosing to stay and work it out with that’s causing the concern.

It’s who you're refusing to give up on that’s the problem.

I agree that relationships take some effort, and if you're with a guy that's making an effort, even if he might be falling short in some areas, then it's worth the effort on your part as well. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping him just because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink or his smelly socks on the floor, or that he'd rather be watching the ball game when you want to go antiquing. These kinds of things can be worked out.

But these aren't the kinds of stories that I'm hearing.

I'm hearing about the guy who's treating you like an option, a convenience. Somebody to see when there's nothing better going on. The guy who disappears for days or weeks only to re-appear and act like nothing happened. The kind of guy that's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. I'm hearing about the crumbs.

The kind of guy where you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve better.

You see, our compass is typically off on this one. We don’t know how to tell the difference between who’s worth it and who isn't.

In fact, most of us have got it backwards.

You give up too soon on the nice guy; the one who you should be staying around longer to give him more of a chance. But you refuse to give up on the player who’s only wasting more of your time while you're trying to prove to him that you’re the one who’s worth it, when that’s what he should be doing with you!

I know because I did it too.

It’s time to figure out the difference. It’s time to awaken to the point of all this. To give the nice guy a chance and let the other ones go.

Learn how to spot the real keepers.

Because if you can learn to tell the difference, you’re well on your way to finding a healthy, happy relationship.

One that really is worth fighting for.

Why Do You Stay?

14 Comments

But I love him.

But I’m lonely.

But I’m getting older.

But he supports me financially.

But I’m divorced with young children.

But he takes care of me.

I hear each and every one of your reasons, my beautiful friend. And while I wish, oh how I wish with all of my heart, that I could somehow make everything all better for you, the reality is that we are all on our own journey and our own path.

You know what your priorities are.

You know what certain things are worth to you. And you know what you are willing to give up in order to get what you’re receiving in return. It's your decision.

And no one else has the right to judge you because they are not you.

And so, as much as I personally believe that once we step out of our comfort zones and step out into the unknown we find more than we could ever have asked for, you have to believe that too.

It takes courage and trust and a belief that defies all logic to go into that unknown, especially when we live in such a practical world.

So what I do say is this: find the unconventional means to getting those real needs of yours met without needing to get it from someone who gives you so little else.

If it’s love you need, find people to love who most need that beautiful love you give so freely while expecting so little in return. Look around at all the hurting people in our world and give that love to those who need it most, and you will find that the love will come back to you tenfold.

If you’re lonely, make some friends, re-connect with family, or become part of a community that fills you up so you no longer define lonely as being without a man. Look into co-housing or find a roommate situation with someone looking for someone just like you!

If you need some help with parenting your children, look into sharing housing with someone who is also in a similar situation and looking for something like this, too. In our culture we are all holed up in our individual houses far away from the villages and communities of the past, and yet we miss out on so much when we live so far away like we do. See what creative ways you can come up with to recreate the idea of a village so that the daily difficulties of raising your sweet children doesn't rest solely on your weary shoulders.

If you hear your biological clock ticking, stop settling for these men who aren't looking to commit to you and have children anytime soon. Weed those out right away by focusing solely on the real qualities you’re looking for in a husband and most importantly, a father to your children. Narrow it down to one or two of those most important qualities and don’t consider anyone who doesn't have them. There are plenty of men out there who also want to have children sooner rather than later, too.

If it’s financial security you’re looking for, look for ways to lower your living expenses. Take on a roommate, look into co-housing, move in with family or friends, move to a cheaper city or state, grow more of your own food, see what you can trade for some of your expenses. See if taking some training to get a better job might also be an option.

I know all too well how nice it is to have someone take care of us. But I also know the very high price we pay for that. When we need someone to take care of us outside of ourselves, we give so much of our own power away to them. We become indebted to them and the relationship shifts and becomes unbalanced so that we lose so much of ourselves. Ask yourself if you really need someone to take care of you, or if you might be able to take care of yourself just as well, and without the strings that come attached when we outsource our care to someone else.

My point, my wonderful friend, is that whatever your reason is for being with someone who doesn't see you the way you really are, who isn't able to give you what you’re truly looking for, sometimes there is more to that story of why we stay with someone like this if we look closer at what we really need. Try to uncover the real need that he's filling.

If you can fill those needs through other creative out-of-the-box ways, you will find your cup full enough that you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve anymore.

Or ever again.

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Should I Have Stuck Around?

My response:

It's A Balance

Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

My Response:

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

Her letter:

My Response:

There's nothing wrong with you.

Get it all out.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

Why Do You Stay?

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