I want to be so gentle here with you, because I know exactly how it feels when you're in this situation.
You love this guy. You don't want to just let him go and start your own life.
Sure it feels good to say "I'm leaving him" and hear the cheers from every woman who's gone before you, every woman who's ever made this difficult choice herself, but this was never the way you wanted it.
You never chose this heartbreak, and all you wanted was for him to change back to the way he used to be when you fell in love with him in the first place.
You're lonely without him. You're lonely with him. You don't know which is worse and you're afraid to find out in case you make the wrong choice.
This was always the hardest decision you were ever going to make.
What I need to say to you right now, girl, is don't do it for the praise or the cheering of those of us who've been there and left. Don't do it for your friends. And especially not the friends who can't bear to hear you tell the sad stories of your life WITH HIM anymore.
If you're going to do it, do it for YOU.
Because we're not you. We can't know for sure that you're going to be better off without him than you were with him. Only you know that, and right now it's likely you don't.
This is a decision you have to make when you're ready, but it's almost always made when you're not.
Because we're almost never ready.
He doesn't change unless you do something different! In real life, not in the movies, that's the only way he does.
And while I've walked through this with real women when they learn to change their response to him, you can't do it for him or it won't "work". You want him to change, you want him to go back to the guy you used to know, but he won't if he feels like you're pressuring him to do it.
Really, he won't.
If you can't make this change to remember yourself again, to remember who you are again without him, to detach from him enough so everything he does or doesn't do doesn't affect you so much in a way that's real and genuine, it's not going to be enough to change his response to you.
That's what I'm talking about here.
You can't live with what you're never, ever going to be able to convince yourself you can live with. You can't pretend you can when you can't. And the last thing I ever want for you is to believe you can love someone enough to change them.
It's not your love for them that changes them, it's loving yourself enough to know if and when to let go!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Now it's your turn, Gorgeous. Can you relate to this? Share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us below in the comments and let's talk about it.
Everything you said is correct I am going to love me, find me and be the real me . It is hard as low self-esteem an no confidence , I was strong an confidence an never would I have tolerated being so disrespected ,used an humilated by some one I loved with all I have an never shown anything but lies an deceits . My life starts today.
I Never wanted to let go because of the dreams I had when I fell in love with him .
When the dream wasn't reality and never was going to be a happily ever after scenario I wanted it to be different. I wanted everything to be the way I imagined it should be .
You know the house with the white picket fence and the perfect kids who were happy and smiling and never talked back .
But instead I got there kids who were so hard to control who talked back to me and screamed and cried alot !
And a husband who I resented because he kept hurting my feelings and was gone alot .
Then I met Prince charming !
I divorce my husband because this new guy was my new dream .
He would create a loving home and would be the most patient guy but he was an addict of a different kind .
He acted kind but lives a double life and again broke my heart .
Then I met my next Prince charming
French and fun and he said
Open your heart !
So I did
And he came all the way from New Caledonia to marry me and crosses the border to come stay with me
But I was a wreck at that time in my life
And I scared him away and I was so scared too .
So the dreams went away .
He was gone and flew to Isreal
I went back home .
And cried and cried
Now I meet new men and I say
I will not forget my men I loved even tho they didn't work out very well
I still loved them so.
I never let go of them in my heart and mind.
I can't forget them
I hope someone will come into my life who will be a better match .
Not only to love and connect deeply with but someone who will stay until the end and who I will also stay with until the end .
So yeah it's hard to let go and get on to the best relationship ever .
What about feeling the need to leave, even though he is nice, helpful, attentive, loves me, doesn't oppose to me going out with the girls every now and then and following projects on my own. I think a lot of women are looking for a man like that. But I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Right now we are together 24/7. I'm not sure I love him anymore. Well, I love him, but more in a friendship way. But I can't decide because I'm afraid to make a big mistake. And of course I don't like to hurt him. Am I crazy not to be able to be happy with him?
I dated a co worker for 3 months and the first 3 weeks were amazing, he was already telling me he loved me and was so happy to have me in his life, then what seemed like totally out of the blue he pulled way back saying he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and All the other bs excuses. My heart was broken I wanted to quit my job, we kept going back and fourth for three months and it was hell for me. He had it made he had minimal effort to make I did all the work we were still having sex. It wasn’t until last Thursday night he called me drunk wanting me to come over and I did and of course we slept together but it was different there was no touching no kissing nothing romantic at all it was just sex and that’s when I ended it and finally walked away. He still tries to flirt with me at work but I don’t engage whatsoever. I kinda hate him for this.
I'm in a relationship now where I need to let him go. We have split several times, but I just keep letting him come back. It ends up being same ole song and dance. I have done so much for this man, yet he showes me nothing in return. To hear his side he is the only one putting effort in this relationship. He puts me dwn to all his friends. I feel so stupid, I know all these things he is doing,along with cheating and running around with other women. Yep,I'm still hanging on hoping. I need to let go, I want to let go, but I just cant get who I think this guy is out of my mind and heart. He isn't what I have made him in my life to be.
O. M. G. THIS! This is my whole life right now! Like you stepped into my world and you know me personally! I am terrified to take that step. Terrified of a lonely future alone. Terrified I'll never find true love.
I have been married for 34 years of my life... . to 3 different men and I am 52 years old. I have still not found a true real love, where he wanted to spend time with me rather than everyone else. A love that just feels whole, like you feel they would move mountains for your happiness.
So here I sit, terrified to move forward on my own because I don't want to be alone. I am better when I am in a relationship so I fear taking steps forward.
I feel hopeless......
Love your self
It is a courageous move to take a decision to love yourself enough to say it's not going to be easy but I will take steps to find myself and be happy being me !
I think even in relationship it's so amazing when I am able to be happy just to be me with or with out a man .
I agree I like being in relationship too.
It is very hard to be alone especially if you like being in relationship.
It takes a huge amount of inner courage and a sense of knowing it is best for both people and then be at peace if the decision is to leave .
I say make yourself happy and treat yourself like a queen and then decide if you really want to leave or just need more self care and alone time maybe .
I don't like being single at all
I'm 58 !
It's so hard to date and keep looking for a new relationship
I always wish the last relationship would have worked out .
But it didn't so I'm dating.
After 5 years of being single and working on myself I am hoping this next one sticks that is if I find someone again .❤️ Hang in there
In a relationship with someone who is not married but has 3 kids with this woman for years. They live together. Act like brother and sister. But I'm falling for him . I see him a lot through the week but not on weekends. I am older than him but sex is awesome. He's polite and patient and kind but moody . I want this to work .teresa..