One of our beautiful readers, Abbie, writes to tell us about the confusion she's feeling with all the different dating advice out there.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I’m so confused.
There are so many rules out there, I’m having a hard time figuring out what I need to listen to and what I don’t.
I keep working on myself, reading up on what I need to do, but I’m getting to the point where I feel like I might as well give up on ever finding someone because for all the work I do on myself, it never seems to be enough!
Then I end up feeling like there’s something wrong with me because nothing ever works out like it’s supposed to.
Can you help me?
-Abbie
My Response:
Oh Abbie, how I hear you. How we all hear you.
It’s so hard to keep going, to keep doing all the things we’re supposed to be doing when nothing seems to change and every day seems the same, every relationship seems like it’s never going to be anything than what it’s always been.
It’s no wonder you feel like your answers are always out of reach and that the relationship with the love you so desire remains so elusive!
What you’re talking about here is about finding your way amongst all the cultural norms, your programming, everyone else’s programming and all the other things we’re told we need to do to get to this place we’re looking for with the kind of love and the kind of person we truly want.
The reality, Abbie, is that we always find exactly what we’re looking for, so it really, really helps to clarify what exactly you’re looking for.
I’m going to narrow this all down for you.
You only need to focus on two things:
- Self-compassion.
- Clarity.
If you can focus on just these two things, something will shift for you. The confusion and all the other things we attract come from the fact that we’re looking for someone or something that someone else has told us we should be looking for, instead of what we actually want.
That’s why we keep getting someone who confirms those inner messages we’re sending out for confirmation when they’re actually the last thing we want!
And here’s where the self-compassion comes in. It happens when we can stop being so hard on ourselves and placing such unrealistic expectations on ourselves. When we relax enough to think clearly about what we need and what we want all based on who we actually are, not who we’re so busy defending ourselves that we should be!
So what are you looking for?
Are you looking for someone to complete you? Someone to make you happy? A true equal partner to share your life with?
Figure that part out first.
What is it you want your relationship to do for you? What do you actually want love to do for you?
Most of us want it to heal us - it’s one of our most primal needs. We don’t even realize this is what we’re looking for because it’s so subconscious. This is the number one reason we’re with the emotionally unavailable guy. Yes, he could potentially be your soul mate because he’s, ironically, looking for you to heal him too.
But he can’t admit that and so as long as you’re with him, most of the time you won’t see it either.
So first look there because that little piece of knowledge can save you from a whole lot of heartbreak down the road. Not to mention a whole lot of wasted time.
Without clarity, it doesn’t work. Nothing works. And without the compassion to allow ourselves to be human, we can’t think straight, see straight or anything else.
As for all those rules out there, the only ones that really matter are the ones that protect your heart from getting involved too quickly with someone who you haven’t really had a chance to know. The ones that remind you that you’re the prize and he needs (and wants!) to prove himself worthy of you, and the ones concerning him being available – emotionally as well as physically. And of course, rules around how he’s treating you!
All the other rules about how long to wait to call him back, whether to text him or not, what to say and do and all those other scripts you’re given, well, the truth is, Abbie, that when you’re with someone in an equal, healthy relationship (and I’m assuming that’s probably the biggest part of what you want), these things come naturally.
He wants to pursue you, he wants to call you, he wants to spend time with you, he wants to be with you.
If you’re asking what’s going on, why is he behaving this way - basically, if you’re confused, it’s because he’s exhibiting confusing behavior. And that, more than anything else, is your surest sign that he, himself, is confused.
I could go on and on (and sometimes I do!) but what I want you to understand, Abbie, is that compassion for yourself allows you to think clearly, without judgement, to be able to see what it is you want underneath all the layers of what you’ve been programmed to think you want.
See the difference there? That matters.
Don’t give up. Just look somewhere different.
Mix it up. Have compassion. Get as clear as you possibly can.
And most of all, try to have fun.
Let your hair down. I know the stakes are high, but you’re dating to get to know someone, not to marry them just yet. Take the pressure off yourself knowing that you can trust yourself more than you know. And most of all, don’t be afraid of what other people think – they don’t matter nearly as much as you do!
I hope this helps. If you need more, reach out to me and let’s talk!
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Got some advice for Abbie? Tell us about it here in the comments!
Hi Jane,
I can certainly relate to your article and agree. I have been trying to meet that special person who will compliment me and hopefully share life with. Just a little on my background: I have been widowed now for 10 yrs.(passed after a long illness); several years later I met someone who I fell in love with and was in this relationship for nearly 4 yrs. before I broke it off when he cheated on me and I realized he would never commit and that he was a narcissist. This was very difficult for me but new I could not continue this relationship. It took a while to recognize this as during this period of time I also was caring for my sick mother who passed and my daughter who had been in a house fire and was in ICU for 9 mos. It has been 3 yrs. and have not dated much. I have been on Match dating site and have not been successful. I do try to get out with friends but truthfully the widowed girlfriends I have not been reliable and other friends have significant others and don't understand. I feel I have a lot going on for me; a good job (but requires a lot of hours) which makes it hard to find time that I am not tired; I am attractive and take care of myself and own my own home. I also help my other daughter out with babysitting when I can. I feel I don't fit in anywhere and feel alone. I continue to try different activities. I know what I am looking for in a relationship, just have not found him. I enjoy your articles and feel I get lot out from them.
So glad these are resonating with you, Corinne. Thank you. My heart goes out to you for your losses and all that you've been through. I can tell you that feeling lost seems to be a prerequisite for becoming found, and if that's where you are right now, you're in beautiful company!
Hi Jane,
I'm feeling really lost. There's this guy who's been coming in and out of my life for years now. He always professes his love to me, telling me I mean everything to him and then he disappears. When I have a boyfriend he seems to be more constantly available to me, once im out of the relationship he's gone again. What I don't understand is why he gets me to be with him ... what is all of that for anyways? I've learned too, that he has a habit of lying.. even about very little things and it's constantly. If I question him he gets super upset and defensive , angry even, and says he hates being called a liar. There was a time he wanted to say hello to one of my friends by phone, and when she handed the phone back to me he asked if she had told me what he said. I said no, he said he told her how he only has eyes for me. Afterwards, she told me what he'd actually said was that if he hadn't met me first he would be all over her.
I know it should seem obvious that I'm dealing with a pathological liar, but I've never met someone who I could connect with so deeply. He's the only one I've ever felt truly protected by, deeply love and adored by .. he makes my chest fill up , when in all of life it's felt so empty. I've met other guys, but none of them make me feel even a sliver of what I feel for him.
How can my heart be steering me wrong if he feels so right?
He's reminding you of something or someone in your past. You're projecting your feelings of being "loved" and "protected" onto a pretty terrible person. Dig a bit deeper into your past, your relationships with your care takers growing up, journal about the feelings, the events, the dynamics. Then write about this person and try to find the pattern so you can see clearly and start detaching from his toxicity. Jane's beautiful,confident, radiant you is a great start. I highly recommend that program. Figure yourself out. This is not about that guy, but about something within you calling for you to see it, so you can start loving yourself better.
Good luck.
Because of our programming, Heather. It always steers us into a place where there's hope of recreating a situation we felt powerless over before so that we can change that now by being with someone who represents that original person we tried so hard to get love from. The problem is it never works because you can't make someone incapable of loving you love you. It only brings you down. Lost means you're in the wrong place, not the right place. It means it's time to check in with yourself at what's really going on. It means it's time to come back to yourself, to your own heart, to your own inner knowing and look at how someone's actually treating you, not just about the feeling of them. Feelings are wonderful! But without real actions, feelings mean nothing on their own!