See if this sounds familiar: Everything was going perfectly, but then all of a sudden he pulls away and wants to end things, leaving beautiful Florence absolutely shocked.
Here's her letter:
Hi Jane,
I started seeing the most lovely, caring, thoughtful and giving guy about 3 months ago.
I had just come out of a 2 year relationship when I met him unexpectedly, so I wasn't really interested in a serious relationship just yet. However, he seemed/seems like Mr. Perfect so I decided to go along with it. He made things serious very quickly and was showering me with gifts, etc. regularly.
After about 2 months I was leaving his house after staying over, he said goodbye, as loving and caring as usual, and texted me about an hour after I left as he usually did.
I asked if he was OK and he said no, and actually ended it - said that things had moved too quickly as his excuse. Even though this was his doing. He knew I was upset but would not let me call him to talk about it, so I went round to his house and we worked things out.
About two weeks after this I saw a message on his phone (aware it was wrong to snoop) to his friend asking about his ex girlfriend, who was nearly single, and saying that it had left him with one foot out the door with me already.
I confronted him and he said it just confused him and he said I was the one he wanted. We agreed to move past this.
All of this knocked my confidence a lot which changed my mood around him a lot which pushed him away. He made me insecure and yesterday, after being worried he was going to end it after a small disagreement, I decided to end it before he could do it to me.
I thought he would disagree and ask to work it out but unfortunately went along with it. He said that I was right - he hadn't been making an effort because he knew it wasn't going to work. But how was it ever going to work if he wasn't making an effort?
I regret ending it so much and I want him back for good the way we were at first.
Please help, I'm really not sure what to do.
-Florence
My Response:
You’re absolutely right, Florence. How was it ever going to work if he wasn’t making an effort? You’re taking all the responsibility for this relationship on yourself when clearly he’s as much or more responsible than you are for its demise.
I don’t doubt he’s a loving, caring, thoughtful, giving guy, but he’s also confused about what he wants.
He’s also not over his ex. You’ve also only known him for around three short months. This is when someone’s on his best behavior, when he’s doing his best to show you why he’s worth your time, attention and energy.
Instead what you’ve got is an obvious lack of trust.
There’s a reason why we snoop. Of course we know we shouldn’t! But if we can’t trust him to give us the answers we’re looking for and if we have a feeling that something’s up with an ex, that’s what many of us resort to.
I’m sure you had your reasons and that’s why this is concerning. You obviously knew there was going to be something there that he wasn’t telling you.
What I want you to see here clearly (clearly enough that you can never have to go through this again with someone else!) is the red flags that I would have called your attention to immediately if you had asked me about him then.
The biggest one that stands out is that he made things serious very quickly. This is a huge red flag!
Only guys who don’t know how long they’re going to be able to pull this whole relationship thing off take this level of break-neck speed! Similarly, a man who knows something about actually building a real relationship doesn’t shower you with gifts, etc. right off the bat.
He may surprise you now and then but he knows that showering you with anything early on is premature when the two of you haven’t even had a chance to get to know each other yet.
And honestly, Florence, Mr. Perfect is the ultimate red flag in and of itself for so many reasons.
Perfect is an ideal. Perfect is a cover. Perfect is where a man hides when he’s afraid of showing you his true self.
And that doesn’t mean you should activate your “he just needs my love” belief. No, on the contrary! It means he hasn’t done his own work to peel away the layers underneath perfect.
It means he’s trying to live up to his own fantasy of what a boyfriend and a man in general should be. And more than that, it means he’s going to expect you to live up to a certain version of your own perfect and expect your relationship to live up to that standard as well.
That’s the bigger concern with perfect, and it’s one we’ve been culturally desensitized to as well.
We’ve been brought up to be perfect little girls who grow into perfect women who aspire to be with perfect men in perfect relationships with perfect children who carry this image perfectly well.
Oh we learn this lesson well!
I can’t tell you how many other women (including myself, many times over!) fell for the idea of Mr. Perfect only to discover just how imperfect he actually was when his real self was revealed. I’m sure they’ll only be too happy to tell you their stories themselves in the comments here so you can see just how prevalent this phenomenon is, but the bottom line is you need (and want!) someone who presents himself as real.
There's no getting him back for good the way you were at first, Florence, because that wasn’t him.
That was an image of him, that was the idea of him that he’s learned to project in the beginning before the real him gets out.
You regret the idea of him. You regret the potential of him that he showed you he had the potential to be. He was the most honest he’s ever been with you when he agreed with you that you were right that he hadn’t been making an effort because he knew it wasn’t going to work!
Let that sink in.
He knew it. He knew he couldn’t sustain Mr. Perfect. He knew his true colors would come through. He knew he couldn’t keep you perfect in response to what he’d inevitably show you of himself when his true colors came out, and he didn’t have a plan for anything more of a follow through.
You saw right through that, Florence. That strong, real woman inside you who knows she deserves more than this answered him in your own mind loud and clear.
But how was it ever going to work if he wasn’t making an effort? Exactly, Florence. Exactly.
There is nothing more to do with him! Trust yourself. Read this article I wrote about the red flags. And trust yourself enough to know that you’ve already got your answers loud and clear.
I really, really hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Now I'll turn to you, Beautiful. I know you’ve most likely had your own version of Mr. Perfect who turned out to be not so perfect after all. I know you’ve probably been right here with Florence at one point or another. She needs to hear it firsthand from every one of you! Share what you want her to know from your own experience in the comments below.
Florence my heart goes out for you my feet was in your shoes twice it's hard to see all the red flag we started off in excitement and hope it's not too late. Stop caring about what he thinks and get back your self -respect. We have to hold our worth guys know what women want to hear and they tell us. when if we take it slow you will find out who they are give the next guy that comes along 9o days wait and you will find out how much he care I am not dating right now even so my heart is open. I have my angel Jane just hold on to her wings that's what I'm doing .
Promise me you won't settle for anyone who can't see your beautiful heart and soul, Olive, because that's everything I see in you! You are such a sweet, tender but oh so strong soul I have become so protective of you!
Oh Florence. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but honestly he did you a favor. If he’s feeling like this barely 2 months in, then how could it possibly work long-term?
He’s obviously not over his ex- no matter what he told you. That in and of itself would be a deal-breaker for me. Trust is fundamental in any loving relationship.
I unfortunately am almost 3 weeks into a breakup from a “Mr. Perfect”. I was single too for a couple years after a bad breakup of a serious relationship. Then I met “him” through mutual friends. He was funny, sweet, adorably cute, tall, and we had a lot in common as far as interests. My friends vouched for him too that he was a nice guy and tried to set us up.
It happened pretty quickly. We started dating and he was always bringing me flowers for no reason, always complimenting me, said he couldn’t believe I’d never been married- that I was such a catch, it was like he had found a unicorn! He literally thanked me for even dating him.
He was super affectionate, always kissing me, holding my hand. Would text all throughout the day and call me every night. It was hard though because he was divorced with a child that he had EVERY weekend. He also worked nights so I didn’t get to see him throughout the week. So most weeks I’d only see him maybe 2 hours before he’d go into work and then Sunday evenings when he dropped his daughter off with his ex.
It was a hard schedule but I was willing to make it work because of his potential. He kept telling me his schedule wouldn’t be that way forever and eventually I’d meet his daughter. He also said his ex was flexible with taking her if I ever wanted a date night.
Fast forward 2 mos later. I felt like he was barely making an effort. If I ever asked him for a Saturday he couldn’t do it because he had his kid (I thought he said he was flexible). He said maybe we could do one date night a month on a Saturday. So Sunday evenings became very important to me since that was the only time he didn’t have his child and he didn’t work. That was OUR day.
The last Sunday I saw him we went and saw a movie. He was acting completely normal and affectionate as usual. Driving home from the movie he said he couldn’t stay over. That he had stuff to do at home. I wasn’t angry. But I told him I was disappointed and why didn’t he do that stuff all day Saturday or earlier Sunday since he knew Sunday nights were our night. He said he was busy with his daughter. Now I’m glad he is a great father. I am. But honestly I was getting crumbs. And the one night a week I get to see him and he wanted to leave?
He finally said that he didn’t think he was in a place to be a good boyfriend and that he didn’t think he was right for me. That he needed to focus on his mom, child and job. This was the guy that called me his girlfriend first, that said it would be great if I got pregnant because he wanted another child, that asked me on a family trip next summer. We were talking about the future. We had made plans. I was his damn unicorn! And suddenly he can’t even give me one night a week. I told him I was sorry to hear that. That he did make me happy but I wasn’t going to beg someone to be with me. He left.
The next day we texted. But essentially it was I really care for you and want you but I just can’t make this work right now. I was done. I didn’t reply. Went no contact and here I am almost 3 weeks later and haven’t heard a word from him.
Of course I’m sad. Of course I thought he might change his mind and want me back. But I thought would I even want to go back to THAT? I need someone that is as excited about me as I am about them. Someone that will make me a priority (yes his kid will always come first but I needed more than a Sunday evening).
Looking back it was crazy. I let myself get sucked in by his words and promises. That I was even considering getting pregnant with him is nuts. He has other baggage I found out about- lives with his mom still (he’s 40 but blamed his recent divorce), no college education- didn’t even graduate high school, run down car etc. And here I am a successful, attractive, smart woman with a nice home. Why was I settling??
The things we do for love *sigh*. But Florence make no doubt, I was settling. And so are you. We can both do better and when it’s right it won’t feel like work. I’m still sad but I’m getting better. Be glad this happened now and not a year in or more. You will recover from this and I know I will too. And this time we will be smarter.
Oh you will, Kelly! We get smarter and stronger and most of all - clearer. On what we will never EVER settle for again!
If he wants to be with you he will make am effort. In the long run you need to be happy not unsure all the time. Go have some fun take the focus off him for a bit and do something for you. It's ok. ?
So true, Carol.
After two bad relationships I spent 10 years building up my life and career and felt strong and happy with myself then I fell under the spell of Mr Perfect! Just like Florence I was lured by the attention, the phone calls, the texts. I must admit he didn't exactly shower me with gifts although he bought me expensive gifts at christmas and birthdays. He booked restaurants and events and did actually on one occasion buy me a dress for the event! He was everything I had never had, he seemed confident, manly, charming, attentive, funny and clever. He was a family man and cared a lot for his children and grandchildren. He showered me with compliments and was affectionate and amazingly caring in his love making. Then after a year he started to be less attentive and sometimes forgot to ring when he said he would until eventually after a trip away he told me it wasn't working and said he wanted to be single!!!!
We had a seven month break and then he texted me that he missed me and we got back together. Because of our distance from each other 60 miles and that we both have ties in our respective towns we agreed we would not live together but just enjoy life going out together and visiting places etc. Initially things were good but he was never as attentive as he had been at the beginning but he seemed to want to make a go of things and so did I.
Then after nearly 4 more years he started to not phone and I had to keep trying to instigate meeting up. I realised that when he wasn't seeing me he was going to the pub or going out with a group of motorcycle friends. He started to prefer going to these things than be with me. Eventually after going on a great holiday together he announced he was going to a wedding without me! I managed to pry out of him that this was an event that I wouldn't like in other words there was lots of drinking. I was so fed-up with him by now that I just told him that I had too much respect for myself and that if he wanted that life then go and be single. This he agreed was what he wanted and so we ended it but not before I had told him exactly what a pathetic specimen I thought he was!
I felt strong when I ended it but feel I should have done it much sooner and not have gone back after the initial break-up. I realise that I was weak responding to his charm but it is really difficult especially if you have not really had much attention in the past .
Good luck everyone who is on Jane's forums, we all need to listen to her wisdom and we all make mistakes and it is like a mine-field out there in the dating arena . I am in my 60s and am only just starting to understand men, not sure I ever will? What chance have we got when men lie so much? Thank you Jane for helping us to protect ourselves from these slippery characters and spotting those red flags!!
That's why I'm here, Linda. My years of experience analyzing and experiencing first hand these men had to be used for something good! 🙂 And don't worry, you will. There's a reason you're here and a reason you're ready and I'm so glad you are because it's in the telling of our stories, the acceptance of our beautiful humanness we heal. Never too late to see what life has waiting for us when we do!
Oh yeah, I also dated a Mr. Perfect. He showered me with gifts, took me to a dream trip, texted me the whole (I mean the whole!) day and called me 3x a day. Rushed things talking about me moving to his city and getting married. It all in 2 months! Then he started getting distant and when I pressured him to tell me what was going on, he told me "we" had moved too fast and he was not ready for a relationship as he was in the middle of his divorce. Living and learning, my dear. I guess I was looking for that thrill. I was by myself for almost one year and my last partner had cheated on me so I was needy and that's what you get when you are like this. You'll survive... we all do. But of course we have to look for the roots that are making us to attract such men. Hope you feel better soon.
All in 2 months! Wow, Odhara, I'm so glad you're free. Live and learn and then some, and when we get to those roots, these men have nothing on us, we see them for who they are and why they matter far too much. You've got the journey!
I understand that when you "accidentally" end it you regret it. I think that is because ending it is like a Freudian slip and we did it unconsciously. But when we end it with consciousness, knowing we will have to stand by what we mean, and knowing that we are standing up for a "little" value we would like (but really we deeply want this small value) then we enpower ourselves.
And also Florence, it does seem to me, that we place too much importance on this one guy trying to make it work. So lately I have thought, so what if I have got it wrong! So what if I mess it up, trying to be so careful and good and right. So what if he was the one and I messed it up because I shouted what I wanted through tears and belly aching confusion. So what I am going to be alone (though I don't think I will). I like the idea of standing up for something little that matters to me more than caring whether I will or will not be with someone.
I hope you heal fast xx
oohhh you're onto something here, Rikki. "So what!" - yes, exactly! It's a lot like "leaning in" instead of beating ourselves up and shoulding on ourselves for a change. Something bigger than you always has your back!
He did you a favor.. better to know now than waste years with someone like this who will always lie and never know what they want. I wasted ten years one someone who did the same thing in the beginning . Dating is like getting a new job.. you never know the real truth until you've lived with it for 3 months at least. Then the truth comes out. Next time you will see those red flags and run!
Yeh good one ?
So true, Alice, We become great runners with practice.
Florence,
I truly hear you and can empathise with you. I too experienced a similar interaction with a man who showered me with attention and did appear considerate toward me- future trips, wanting to show me off as his date to various events etc etc etc.
I want you to remember this- YOU are high value, you really are and you should expect no less from any man.
Any person who behaves in such a way (lack of effort) should not be worthy of our attention.
Hold your head high and know the next person you meet will certainly invest and treat you as the high value woman you are.
?
Makes us realize where the power actually lies - not with any him, but with our ability to say yes or no to someone like this. If only we could see that we actually know ourselves better than we think we do.
The "love bombing" at the beginning of a relationship ... red flag flying high. He's so good at telling you everything you want to hear, but it's just smoke and mirrors that distract you from uncovering the scared and scarred (and not fixable by you) little boy he is underneath.
Exactly, Lori! "And not fixable by you." - Never.
Florence. This is all too familiar to a ton of women out there. Bottom line is you'll be ok if you learn something from this. All I saw in your letter (of course because I've been there and done that) were red flags and big no-no. Showering you with gifts??? What??? You don't even know each other. Gifts are nice and all, and some people show affection this way, but gifts are better when you already know someone better. He rushed things and you weren't ready for a relationship but you chose to go along letting him lead and doing things on his terms. Why? Get to the root to answer that why.
You put this guy on a pedestal based on an illusion.
It is pretty out there when you say you "pushed him away". Um.. No. No. No. No. No. How can you push away someone who wasn't even there to begin with? He. Was. Never. There.
His PR manager was.
Trust this much: if you are with someone who knocks your confidence, makes you distrustful, and insecure, He. Is. Not. It.
Of course you didn't feel good around him anymore. Trust that. This should not make you regret anything. You did the right thing ending it and he gave you all the confirmation you needed when he agreed.
Let yourself cry, and when you're ready, look again and see this clearly. That way you won't be in this same predicament again. Or if you are, you'll know how to handle it.
Wow, when we wake up, we really, really wake up, don't we? So true, Angel.
Working on staying awake, Jane. I know the theory but as usual, I still stumble with the practice. But I'm staying awake