“Ok,” I said, when we were finally alone. I had been waiting all afternoon for just the right time to ask him this question ever since I had heard the news.
“What is it about her? Why is she the one who won your heart?”
He was the one I was always curious about. He was the quintessential “emotionally unavailable man”.
He had it all. Good-looking, successful, all-around guys guy; he epitomized the strong, silent type so many of us have long tried to change.
He had a string of long term relationships in his history with women who had all been relationship material, vying to be the one who would finally win him over.
But no one ever did.
The last one we had thought for sure would be the one. But no, even after 7 years with him, no matter how much she gave him his space and was a perfect match for him in so many ways, she too finally gave up.
With her heart so painfully breaking, she finally somehow found the strength to let him go.
(Fortunately, I also heard there was a happy ending there - soon after they broke up, she met and married someone far more perfect for her than he could ever have been. I hear she’s happier than she could ever have tried to convince herself she could have been with him!)
Yet here we were. He was engaged. Engaged!
I had been shocked when I heard the news. How? Why? How? I wanted to know.
Of all my husband’s eternally single friends, he was the one I kept track of the most. What would it take for him to make that commitment, I often wondered to myself?
Now I was about to find out.
“I changed,” was his answer. “I changed my priorities.”
His answer wasn’t a surprise to me. In fact, it only confirmed more of what I’ve learned in what’s become a passion of mine. Trying to understand the emotionally unavailable man so that you too can understand him and finally release yourself from the subconscious need to change him in order to feel worthy.
It’s the only way someone like this with such a clear history and background that deeply entrenches him in this pattern of non-commitment with so much potential, finally commits. Because for all you do (and all you try to do!) in the end, that commitment can only come from him.
Every woman he was with in a long-term relationship learned early on all about his need for space and gave it to him.
Every woman he was with knew that he lived on his terms and knew she needed to accept him on those same terms.
Every woman he was with saw his potential and knew there were no guarantees that he would ever live up to it.
But the only woman who ever won his heart was the one who he met that night at a hotel resort pool when he was ready, and not one moment before.
Was she more perfect than all the rest? No.
Did she have something that none of the rest had before her? Again, his answer was no.
But was she compatible with him when he was ready to put what made her compatible with him at the top of his priority list?
Yes. Absolutely yes!
This is such an important message for you to hear, Beautiful. Because we think it’s about us.
We think it’s about our being perfect enough or not too much or whatever else we’ve sold ourselves on that we have to be before he’ll commit. But it’s not.
So after you’ve tried giving him space, after you’ve tried living your life on his terms, after you’ve seen his potential for the no-guarantee it is and accepted the reality of all the potential in the world, I want you to see this part.
The part that has to come from him.
He knows it’s him. He knows it’s his to own. But whether he does, whether he accepts his own reality and chooses to get his priorities in order enough for him to make the kind of commitment he needs to isn’t yours, Beautiful.
It’s all his.
Did you need to hear this today? I’m so glad you’re here. I’d love to hear from you below in the comments.
PS: Don’t ever forget the other part of this, the woman who hung on for 7 years, doing everything right, who finally gave up on his potential and moved on to find her own real life happily ever after. She’s happier than she ever thought she could have been while she was still banking on someone’s no-guarantee potential. Her message is one for you, too.
I needed to read this today! 3 years in a non-exclusive relationship with someone I met and thought was incredibly intelligent, kind and witty. Well, I fell for all that nice stuff until I saw five different names of woman texting him, then after 7 months of dating casually but consistently, after a great day together he says to me out of the blue "I think I am in love with someone else" I just started having these feelings for a co-worker but she does not know how I feel. I was crushed, I know, not exclusive, with him, but, I was trying to not push the relationship and let things happen, we are were both 49 at the time. He has never married, was engaged one time over 10 years ago. I left heartbroken and walked away shattered, I fell for this man. 3 months later, I get a text from him, I ignored it and then he asked to speak with me. Stupid me, thought, maybe he realized I was a good person. Well, I let him back in he was nice for a little bit then more texts from women showing up, he would be around then not around I am always on egg shells with him. My friends think he has narcissistic tendencies. I feel like I do so many nice things for him, always there for him through his mom's death, his surgery, took care of him, his home, went to all doctor appointments and was his support system, but, no matter what, I never seem to be good enough. Not pretty enough, skinny enough or I don't have whatever that deep attraction is that men need to interest him. Then 6 months later he tells me we are only friends, he doesn't have feelings for me, but sometimes tries to be kind and romantic other times just friendly and I feel so unattractive. I refuse to be in a friends with benefits relationship and I made that clear especially when he clearly is dating many other women and most likely sleeping with them. He is an average looking man no Brad Pitt but acting like this at 52. Can be selfish and temperamental at times, he says he had been in love before, I am wondering if he could possibly commit to anyone. The problem is me, why I am I so addicted to this man? I am well educated, average looking woman, I try to take care of myself. I will say I don't date much nor do I get asked out or meet men that I have really been interested in. I am feeling like something is very wrong with me emotionally from this experience like I have been abused. This man is not overly kind to me nor am I a priority to him. I feel used and I personally would not treat someone like this, I feel like he plays games and comes in and out of my life because he knows how much I care for him. I am embarrassed by this situation! Help!
Ann, there is nothing wrong with you. That man represents something, or maybe someone from your past. Maybe your dad? Maybe your dad was unavailable like that to you growing up? I know it's almost a cliché now, but our relationship with our parents is where it all starts for us. Start looking at your patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior with your parents growing up, and with men throughout your life to see what you find. I didn't start setting myself free from this toxic dynamic with men, until I recognized where it comes from. Please don't beat yourself up. There is something deeper going on inside you. Inquire.
I also am with an emotionally unavailable and non-committal man. Have been for 5 years. Here is my question... do I choose him, because I, myself am emotionally unavailable and he is safe? I ask this because I have had emotionally available men very interested in me and I want nothing to do with them. I have put myself in their shoes as well as my guy's shoes. If the tables turn and my guy were to start wanting commitment before I was ready, I think I would then become the one creating distance. Put yourself in their shoes and see if the things you are doing to try to make them love you would scare you off. We always need to look in the mirror and stop living the stories we create in our heads when he is not with us. How many times have you created a story that he is with or talking to someone else because he did not return the call and when you did connect with him, found out he was raking leaves. I have started digging into and practicing mindfulness. There are lots of you-tube videos on it. Being mindful is living in the present and stopping yourself from creating stories and fantasies that most times take our minds places that never happen... but in our minds we feel they are real and we then project the emotion it created on to our unsuspecting boyfriend who has no idea what he did. I have learned to stop the thought pattern as soon as I recognize it.. and with practice it is almost immediately. 90% of the things we worry about never come true. Don't let yourself get in that negative state - people around you can feel it and will respond in like.
I read everyone's comments about the article and how they wonder why Jane is friends with such a man. From my perspective, I feel like Jane wrote the article to show all of us that an emotionally unavailable man like she described will be ready to commit until HE feels like it's the time in his life for commitment. I think she wanted to point out that when we get involved with these kind of guys, we always feel like it's our fault that he isn't committing. Jane is pointing out that it's not us that it's the guy internal problem with himself. Only when he is ready for commitment in his life, then he will commit. So no matter what we do or say, it won't change his mind.
I am not sure why people would question why she would associate with him. My ex was emotionally unavailable, but he was an excellent friend to his friends, a wonderful sibling to his siblings, always reliable for his cousins and parents. He wasnt a great boyfriend and couldn't open up with me. Sometimes, these emotionally unavailable guys have two sides to them. So he might be a good friend to Jane's husband that's why she stays in touch with him.
Exactly, Nett!
My entire life has been filled with avoidant/emotional unavailable men. Both my Mom and Dad were both emotionally unavailable which lead me to 2 divorces. With years of therapy I have finally realized my pattern and why I keep choosing these men. I am now with another avoidant type of man. The only difference is that he knows he has an avoidant personality and wants to go to therapy. However, I don't know if I should give him the boot or continue to stick around. I am tired of his self sabotaging behaviors even though he holds himself accountable for his actions. He knows he needs help. But I'm tired. I love him with all my heart and feel I should give him a chance to try therapy but I know this isn't a cure all and can take years. Do I move on or give him a chance to try therapy? I am conflicted.
Michelle, I've been through your situation exactly. My ex knew he needed help and decided to go into therapy. I gave him the time and space to get therapy so we can have that great relationship. He did change a bit, but in the end he still bolted when it came time to make a commitment. Looking back at things I wish I would have left when he told me about going into therapy. Just really think about what you want and if you're willing to wait for him to repair himself.
Wow - its so beautiful you (we) are such caring souls and that we care so much about the men we love. This time how would we feel if we put ourselves first and what we want? I knw you have the answer - sometimes we have to be still and the answer just come to the surface.
Wow - its so beautiful you (we) are such caring souls and that we care so much about the men we love. This time how would we feel if we put ourselves first and what we want? I knw you have the answer - sometimes we have to be still and the answer just comes to the surface.
I just walked out of mine 4 months ago having opened my eyes wide and big to the truth. I will never be his first priority. I haven't moved on yet since I am still sorting out this crushing pain. For four months he has ghosted me twice and still ended up repeating the same thing i.e. only calling when he wants sex and that is it and for 4 months, having sex twice is all he wanted. I have accepted the fact that I am not the problem and I have walked away and since moved on. I am currently going solo just a bout to go into my next relationship with a man friend I have known for close to 8 years and has chased me all this time. With my Ex now, we lasted for 3 years struggling with an empty relationship where I was not a priority. But that was him, those were his terms and I struggled to live by them, give him space whenever he wanted it until he came back wanting sex and I just laid there for him.
I am out here, going to find my own happiness.
Please be very careful, Carole. I just finished reading your comment and saw a "red flag discrepancy" immediately. You've been broken from your ex's relationship for only 4 months so far, and you initially stated that you have NOT moved on yet and are still trying to sort things out about the crushing experience. Then, later you stated that you have NOW moved on, about to embark on a relationship with a man you've known awhile who's also chasing you consistently. PLEASE take your own advice about sorting out some things from your emotionally crushing previous break-up experience. You are not yet healed and are emotionally and mentally confused at this point. I understand the difficulty, and I've had a crushing experience with a man I truly fell in love with after losing my wonderful husband of 31 yrs to cancer back in 2012. I did NOT run around with men, but met one I fell in love with about 3 yrs after my husband's death, then he abandoned me for various issues too lengthy to explain. Bottom line? He could not make a serious, long term commitment himself after suffering 2 bitter marriages and divorces. But, he may never realize what he threw away in me was NOT in any way like his previous relationships. And, if he does someday realize it, then it's too late anyway, because my trust in HIM has been compromised. Do I still hurt? Yes, even 1 yr since his abandonment, I still hurt and think too often about him, but I resist all tempation to "reach" out to him.
I'm sad that so many women leaving comments are so quick to bash the man in this story. Jane noted that these women knew of his need for "space" his living his life on his terms...I was that woman in the story that wasted all that time on a man. Not 7 years, but 5. And honestly, it was my own doing and unability to fully accept what I was hearing from the man I was with and to truly understand that he had been nothing but honest and open with me about what he was capable of at the time we were together. I didn't want to listen, because I believed that I could change his outlook on marriage. That marriage actually did mean something and that it wasn't right to look at marriage jadedily because of the outcome of the previous one. It took 5 years for me to realize, that I shouldn't have to convince anyone to commit to me in the way I needed and wanted, and after 5 years (4 of which living together) I moved out and on with my life. It has been three years now. He has gotten married, and I am 2 years into a loving, mutually respectful relationship where there is no convincing needed. Sometimes ppl just aren't ready, and that's ok. Its when they lead them on, that there is the potential that one day soon they will be that creates the problem.
I am in agreement with what you wrote. Well said! I've given my power away by CHOOSING (my choice) to stay with an individual who's not ready to commit. I know what I have to do but choose to stay because every time I breakup, he chases and says he's not letting me go. My guy is not ready and I know what I have to do but can't. I'm praying to stop loving him (and it's happening) or maybe meet my knight in shining armor who would make this guy irrelevant. Overall, I have to make the decision as to what I want for me right now. I'm 4 years older now but believe that only goodness follows me so expecting my breakthrough soon:-)
And my own 3 years and 2 years and 1 year repeated over and over again. Thank you for sharing your journey, Kerry. When you come through, you see clearly what you couldn't see before. I am so happy for your new relationship and wish you all the love in the world!
This hits home very hard. My love of 20 years and I hit a horrible rough patch. He has always been emotionally unavailable, like his parents. However, because of his no emotions and avoidance, it has caused a true distance. I felt like I wasn't the one to ever bring "it" put in him, I am not a threatening person and listen well.l, he should feel safe with me to have that level of intimacy. But he couldn't get his priorities straight. Not for our 2 boys and least of all for me. I am still crushed thinking how much I adore him, yet he can't engage with me on amother level. We are now divorce and I ache, that he will finally figure out his priorities and I won't be the one he chooses to share life with. You are right, it isn't me, I have tried and talked about this with him, but he refuses to bond. But this is so true, it is him, not me. I want the best open relationship, but he holds back. It still hurts, because I do see that potential and what could be. But it takes him to participate. I wish there was a magic switch.
My uncle never settled and married (confessed - like you said, when HE was ready) till he was 50 and left a string of broken hearts, just like your husband's friend did. I have been very close to him over the last 10 years since my father died. What I learned is that he is a very selfish man with no sensitivity chip. Married now or not, I see how he was able to do what he did, which I could NEVER do....lead people on. I have been alone after 2 divorces for 16 years, but have basically stayed away from relationships so as not to hurt people if I'm not ready. The man you described is a user and selfish, and basically if I was you or your husband, I would question why I would be friend's with some-one who has low morals and values. Those sort of people will badly hurt you one day with their actions, like he hurt all those woman without a conscious. Some people front like good people, but deep down have no heart and soul. Beware of him Jane !!! He will show YOU one day, who he really is !
it does all make sense. it will never work out unless he does because only you wanting it doesn't do much. either he does or doesn't. I'm appalled that the lady spent so much time trying to wait for him to change his mind or wait for the day he goes from scared to ready for commitment because she could have broken up with him earlier. I feel that the earlier you find about where he is in terms of commitment and being in a serious relationship the better. if he told the truth it's for you to accept or not.
it all makes sense that no matter how much you want it it won't work unless he does too. trying to get someone to a stage where they are not ready to will only push someone farther away. the earlier you find out how he feels about commitment and being in a serious relationship the better. I can't believe a women spent 7 years with a guy and ended up breaking things off after all that time. it's very rare for a guy to suddenly change his mind and go from scared to ready for commitment.
I've come to resent how much the world fixates on men's timing. It reflects so much on how we, women, focus on how to make him care. It's absurd. What about us? Why is it so hard for the world to focus on us and our timing, our voices, our decisions, our humanness? Why is it always about men and we get the crumbs if anything at all? It is exhausting to live in a world as a woman. But it's also so ironic that even when I see all this injustice and all these aggravating and dangerous messages, I would like one day to know what it's like to be cared for by a man who puts himself in my shoes and understands my struggles just as hard as I try to understand his.
I'm having a saddish kind of afternoon today, and this post made me tear up a bit. I don't think of any man with this post, rather I think of all the women whose hearts have been broken so many times, the women that feel like they're not enough because he never chose them, whoever the "he" was and however flawed he was. I think of myself and how unable I feel to put myself out there ever again. Just sadness coming over me.
Back to the post, I wonder why, Jane, you focused so much on this man. I can imagine he is a good person, but I wonder why you fixated so much on what he did or why he ended up engaged. Is it because part of you still stumbles over this deep-seated narrative of the super amazing man who a "lucky" woman gets to have?
I understand the reason for the post, but I do wonder a bit. I hope you don't mind my asking.
I don't mind at all, Angel. I'll tell you exactly why. It's because I saw a side of him from the beginning when I first met him, that no one else seemed to be able to see. Behind the facade of this strong, silent type man that kept everyone at a comfortable distance even within his own social circle, I saw a man who had a softer side, a sensitive side that he kept hidden behind a thick skin he had grown out of necessity to protect that little boy inside. This was why I was always curious to know when or if he would ever marry, because of what I knew I saw in him and continued to see. He was one of the most sensitive men I'd known, and yet the paradox was he presented to everyone else an entirely different image from what I saw underneath. I knew he just wanted to be loved and accepted in the same way that we do, but I saw all his barriers to that and hoped one day, he'd be able to figure out what was holding him back from finding love.
"... rather I think of all the women whose hearts have been broken so many times, the women that feel like they're not enough because he never chose them, whoever the "he" was and however flawed he was." - Me, too, Angel. It's for each and every one of us I wrote this for. To release us from the blame and shame of thinking it was somehow something we did or didn't do. It's why I had to share this with all of us who've been here and still find ourselves in similar situations. To give you more insight into how thinks, how even when we do everything right, in the end we still need someone who is on the same page as we are and has his priorities in order.
None of us ever need to go through a relationship with someone like this, Angel, or to focus on his timing. It is our own timing that matters, it is our own ability to take our power back by choosing who and what we can live with in whoever we choose to be in relationship with that sets us free from any cultural emphasis on men or their timing. I hope this helps answer your question!
Thank you, Jane. It does answer my question. It was very kind of you to answer.
I was wondering whether we some day actually manage to no longer stumble over the same narrative that is hammered time and time again everywhere in our minds. Our culture is just too toxic, especially for us, women and I feel like getting rid of these narratives is a ton of work and some days I feel tired.
Like you, Angel, my sensitivity makes me so susceptible to the feeling of just how oppressive that narrative can feel day in and day out. What I've learned is that I may not be able to change our entire culture all at once, but I can change what's right in front of me and that IS something. I can choose what I see and hear and look at so that I don't become engulfed in feeling like nothing I do can make a big enough difference or that there aren't enough of us wide awake to be the change we want to see in the world. I truly believe at some point all our collective efforts will make a difference and already are even if it doesn't feel like it in the broader culture. I'm encouraged by things like books about raising sensitive boys that are finding their way to the bestseller lists, and in my parenting circles, things like narratives around allowing our boys to feel and not just maintain the status quo by allowing them to be their full selves, including their feeling, emotional selves. And I'm encouraged by the young women I see that are looking beyond the men their fathers were, and putting sensitivity and emotional availability high on their priority lists and starting to see what that actually looks like. And of course, I'm so encouraged by you and all the women here who are seeing this, too!
Jane, I don't understand this. Why be in a relationship with such a man at all? Why did those women waste time on him? 7 years, even a year, is a big investment for a woman. I'm glad the last woman found someone who truly loved her. How did the other women fare? Is it wrong to set expectations like marriage and children, in a relationship? Is it supposed to be fun and games till then ? How do you move on after being in such a relationship with a narcissist? How do you justify all that time spent? How can someone not feel used and abandoned, just because he didn't feel like getting committed? Are you supposed to go from relationship to relationship, that if it doesn't work out, you chalk it up to experience?
Tanya, I totally agree. I am surprised to be honest that Jane who is so kind and evolved, would have a close friend in her circle like this. If my husband befriended such a selfish, cruel friend, I would have to step in and say, that I am not happy about mixing with some-one with those horrid qualities. It is actually cruel and abusive what he has done all his life. I would have no respect for him.
@ Tanya, I totally agree. I am surprised to be honest that Jane who is so kind and evolved, would have a close friend in her circle like this. If my husband befriended such a selfish, cruel friend, I would have to step in and say, that I am not happy about mixing with some-one with those horrid qualities. It is actually cruel and abusive what he has done all his life. I would have no respect for him.
Being emotionally unavailable doesn't make you cruel or un-evolved. Everybody has a right time for doing things pertaining their lives. If he's not ready, he's not ready. That doesn't make him a bad person. If he had forced it, they would get married for the wrong reasons and be miserable anyway. It has to happen at the right time for both parties. Famous example: David Bowie. I've been in a relationship with several emotionally unavailable men so don't think I'm making a case for them. I'm just saying don't judge as long as he didn't abuse the women.
Being emotionally unavailable doesn't make you cruel or un-evolved. Everybody has a right time for doing things pertaining their lives. If he's not ready, he's not ready. That doesn't make him a bad person. If he had forced it, they would get married for the wrong reasons and be miserable anyway. It has to happen at the right time for both parties. Famous example: David Bowie. I've been in a relationship with several emotionally unavailable men so don't think I'm making a case for them. I'm just saying don't judge as long as he didn't lead them on false promises or abuse the women.
No, Tanya, you only need to do what works for you and what you can live with! None of this is about any him, it's about you. You're the one who gets to choose, not him, you. It's our culture that takes us so far away from what we know in our heart of hearts to be true, but you're the one who knows exactly what you need and where your own path lies. Not him, not his. But yours!