One of our gorgeous readers, Sunshine, is feeling as though she's weak because she just can't seem to let go.
Here's her story:
I have been reading your blog for over two years and the moment I was feeling very strong something happened to me.
I met him in a dance class. I am 36 and he is 27.
He found me next day on fb and messaged me saying how much he liked dancing with me. We started chatting and then he asked me out.
We went to five dates without any sex and he started to act like a boyfriend soon, picking me from home, texting constantly about me and my day. Finally we had sex and quickly became a couple.
I invited him to my friend's x-mas dinner and he was so excited to come pick presents with me. We spent a lot of time together, cooking, dancing, fixing things at home so it felt very close suddenly.
After a month, he suddenly started acting cold.
One night he said he is thinking too much about that he will feel different about me in six months, that he thinks I will want to get married soon and then he is not sure if he wants to. I told him that he should leave and we should take time to think.
Two days later, since no words came from him, I called him and we met.
He seemed so confused. He kept saying OK lets stay together, and five minutes later changed his mind and started asking what if I wanted to get married, if he feels different (more distant) in the future or he falls for someone else...
I felt terrible, I cried and tried to talked to him but then I realized he wouldn't change his mind. So I sent him off and cut him off too.
I took him off my social media and all. No contact.
Its been two months and it has been painful. I did a lot to work on myself and accept the situation. I love dancing and I kept on going to our dance class.
He wasn't coming... Until a few weeks ago he showed up.
He tried to talk to me, but I acted cold. He asked me to dance, I left. Since then he has been coming every week and I feel that he is constantly watching me.
Last week he asked me to dance and I didn't wanna say no, so we danced. But I felt terrible after that.
I can see that he is sad, but he says nothing about it, just watches me and I run away from him. I know I won't say a word but deep inside I am torn. I don't know if he is aware how much he hurt me, otherwise he wouldn't ask me to dance as if nothing happened.
I am a strong woman but I am not so strong, it makes me sad.
I don't wanna ask him not to come to class, but I don't know how else to avoid this pain. How do I let this go?
I could tell you all the things you’ve heard me say over the past two years you’ve been following along with me here.
Write him a letter you don’t send.
Follow each step in my how to get over a broken heart post.
But since you’re reaching out here, I’m going to guess you’re not looking for any of those usual recommendations from me.
It’s the part about this being about strength – your strength – that called me out here. So let’s start there, Sunshine.
I’m thinking you’ve got something in mind about what it means to be strong. Something that has everything to do with being able to walk away, to chalk this guy up to yet another learning experience, to be able to look at this as his loss not yours, with you having the ability to leave him in the dust and say “next!”
I’ve got news for you, Sunshine. I used to think the same thing, too.
I used to wonder what was so wrong with me – or more accurately, what was so weak with me that I couldn’t just let go when someone was so clearly giving me no reason to stay.
And you know what I’ve learned through it all? Something about real strength, something about what it actually means to be strong, versus the one we’ve been sold on.
Real strength gives you the resolve to open up your heart that’s been broken before time and time again, and STILL believe in the possibility of love.
Real strength sees your ability to love someone with all your heart and soul as a courageous measure of strength, not of weakness.
Real strength allows you to be honest about your feelings, about just how much you can care about someone, regardless of whether they’re right for you or not.
Real strength isn’t about covering up. It’s about admitting the truth – your truth – and not being ashamed of the beautiful, yet imperfect human being you are.
Redefine your definition of strength. Take a closer look at what’s behind how you define what makes you strong and what makes you not so strong. It’s not what you think. It’s not what our programming would have us believe.
This is your wake up call.
Your chance to come face to face with the reality of strength, and see it for what it is – and what it isn’t – once and for all. What you own, what you admit to, what you acknowledge, it’s in these courageous acts that you discover what each and every one of us who’s walked this path and asked these same questions before discovers for ourselves.
That we’re the ones who are actually the strong ones because we can’t just turn off our feelings and walk away. That being strong means acknowledging the very human feeling of weakness we’re so used to hiding behind.
Go shine your light, Sunshine. Hold your head up high. See what you’re calling weak and see the strength behind it instead.
It’s not him. It’s you who holds your own key to the way out.
Don’t let go until you’re ready to. Don’t try to follow anyone else’s get over him guide until you’ve first followed your own.
You’ve got this, if only you believe you do!
I hope this helps.
Do you have any other thoughts, words of advice or encouragement for beautiful Sunshine? Share them with her below in the comments!