One of our gorgeous readers, Sunshine, is feeling as though she's weak because she just can't seem to let go.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
I have been reading your blog for over two years and the moment I was feeling very strong something happened to me.
I met him in a dance class. I am 36 and he is 27.
He found me next day on fb and messaged me saying how much he liked dancing with me. We started chatting and then he asked me out.
We went to five dates without any sex and he started to act like a boyfriend soon, picking me from home, texting constantly about me and my day. Finally we had sex and quickly became a couple.
I invited him to my friend's x-mas dinner and he was so excited to come pick presents with me. We spent a lot of time together, cooking, dancing, fixing things at home so it felt very close suddenly.
After a month, he suddenly started acting cold.
One night he said he is thinking too much about that he will feel different about me in six months, that he thinks I will want to get married soon and then he is not sure if he wants to. I told him that he should leave and we should take time to think.
Two days later, since no words came from him, I called him and we met.
He seemed so confused. He kept saying OK lets stay together, and five minutes later changed his mind and started asking what if I wanted to get married, if he feels different (more distant) in the future or he falls for someone else...
I felt terrible, I cried and tried to talked to him but then I realized he wouldn't change his mind. So I sent him off and cut him off too.
I took him off my social media and all. No contact.
Its been two months and it has been painful. I did a lot to work on myself and accept the situation. I love dancing and I kept on going to our dance class.
He wasn't coming... Until a few weeks ago he showed up.
He tried to talk to me, but I acted cold. He asked me to dance, I left. Since then he has been coming every week and I feel that he is constantly watching me.
Last week he asked me to dance and I didn't wanna say no, so we danced. But I felt terrible after that.
I can see that he is sad, but he says nothing about it, just watches me and I run away from him. I know I won't say a word but deep inside I am torn. I don't know if he is aware how much he hurt me, otherwise he wouldn't ask me to dance as if nothing happened.
I am a strong woman but I am not so strong, it makes me sad.
I don't wanna ask him not to come to class, but I don't know how else to avoid this pain. How do I let this go?
- Sunshine
My Response:
I could tell you all the things you’ve heard me say over the past two years you’ve been following along with me here.
Write him a letter you don’t send.
Follow each step in my how to get over a broken heart post.
But since you’re reaching out here, I’m going to guess you’re not looking for any of those usual recommendations from me.
It’s the part about this being about strength – your strength – that called me out here. So let’s start there, Sunshine.
I’m thinking you’ve got something in mind about what it means to be strong. Something that has everything to do with being able to walk away, to chalk this guy up to yet another learning experience, to be able to look at this as his loss not yours, with you having the ability to leave him in the dust and say “next!”
I’ve got news for you, Sunshine. I used to think the same thing, too.
I used to wonder what was so wrong with me – or more accurately, what was so weak with me that I couldn’t just let go when someone was so clearly giving me no reason to stay.
And you know what I’ve learned through it all? Something about real strength, something about what it actually means to be strong, versus the one we’ve been sold on.
Real strength gives you the resolve to open up your heart that’s been broken before time and time again, and STILL believe in the possibility of love.
Real strength sees your ability to love someone with all your heart and soul as a courageous measure of strength, not of weakness.
Real strength allows you to be honest about your feelings, about just how much you can care about someone, regardless of whether they’re right for you or not.
Real strength isn’t about covering up. It’s about admitting the truth – your truth – and not being ashamed of the beautiful, yet imperfect human being you are.
This isn’t about him, as much as it’s about you, Sunshine.
Redefine your definition of strength. Take a closer look at what’s behind how you define what makes you strong and what makes you not so strong. It’s not what you think. It’s not what our programming would have us believe.
This is your wake up call.
Your chance to come face to face with the reality of strength, and see it for what it is – and what it isn’t – once and for all. What you own, what you admit to, what you acknowledge, it’s in these courageous acts that you discover what each and every one of us who’s walked this path and asked these same questions before discovers for ourselves.
That we’re the ones who are actually the strong ones because we can’t just turn off our feelings and walk away. That being strong means acknowledging the very human feeling of weakness we’re so used to hiding behind.
Go shine your light, Sunshine. Hold your head up high. See what you’re calling weak and see the strength behind it instead.
It’s not him. It’s you who holds your own key to the way out.
Don’t let go until you’re ready to. Don’t try to follow anyone else’s get over him guide until you’ve first followed your own.
You’ve got this, if only you believe you do!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts, words of advice or encouragement for beautiful Sunshine? Share them with her below in the comments!
Kathy, you can't do this alone. Please go to your doctor who should know where you can get support from or search online for support in your area. This guy is very manipulative and controlling, he is using a lot of crazy making behaviour to keep you with him. You also love him which can be hard for people to understand when they find out what he is like. It will help having the support of other women who have been through the same. The fact you want out means your soul has had enough. I hope you get the support you need to breakaway.
Kathy, do you have anywhere safe to go to get away from him? Is there a women's shelter or counselor you can go to? You will get more clarity when you step away from that situation. Men like him know how to say all the right things to keep you in this unhealthy relationship. Make a plan in secret,never tell him you are moving--just leave, and change your phone number. You need to take care of yourself right now.
He was very manipulative. He knows where i live. I was very depressed.. i never thought i am going to be a depressed victim. He always tell me i do not have to fight with him. I will fight to anyone but not to him. I was with him almost 2 yrs now. Every time i tell him my feelings regarding how he treats me. He will rando00lmly call me names and says i will not call him or txt him or see him until he decides when he likes us to see again. I can't buy any stuff for me without him saying ok. If he saw me with new gudgets he will say i am stupid. He should be the one buying it a better price. He said i do not know life. If i will go out with my friends without him he will call me whore and that he will check me with hiv when i get back. I happened to love him because he was good and caring in other ways but i found him abusive emotionally. I want to get out of our relationship now because im sick of it
I am here bleeding..no one to share my pain and hurts. Feeling scared and shamed what people and friends alike would say about my so called fairy tale love story.. it all started with him being control freak. Accusing me of seeing others, so i my schedules would all be known to him. Which bus i take what time i would arrive.. if i send him messages how i felt. He will fight with me saying i was complaining all the time. The only reason i send him messages instead of saying in person or over the phone is because i am afraid he will shout at me again... until one day, my gut feelings was right, he has a lot of women left and right.. he has other kids from another women.. i found him texting while i was with him with another woman saying he was busy and missing her alot. The worst he used to send the same messages to all of us.. so now those messages that he sends to me that i was always feel butterfly to my stomach was actually sended to many.. how i knew about it? He left his phone and i sneak to it. Dear folks please help me heal. No one of my friends knew i was hurt emotionally mentally and everything because they look to him as the best bf for me and how lucky i am.. there are no days and nights i was crying. Praying to god to ease the pain.. i so weak i can not take to hit the right move because he always make me feel ok after . I wanna move out really scared and troubled.
I have been in that place sunshine; for me it was the uncertainty, the not knowing that kept me in it, such a painful place to be. I decided to focus on falling in love with myself; really getting to know this wonderful person that is me. Even if you are good at taking care of yourself this is where you need to step it up more. We are all strong amazing women with the ability to love so deeply, when we love and care for ourselves with that depth we attract the love we really deserve; someone who is on the same page as us, someone who is sure and all in, not someone who isnt sure about himself or wbat he really wants. This has been my learning anyway, I hope it helps.
Sunshine,
You let go of someone who's not ready to be with you. And the hurt means you were strong enough to vulnerable, to have opened your heart. Your heart will mend with time. There is someone out there who will be ready for you.
In the meantime, find another dance class. Seeing him unnecessary, imagining what his expression means, dancing/talking to him are unhealthy when you're trying to move forward.
Sunshine, You did everything right. You let go of someone who's not ready to be with you. And the hurt means you were strong enough to vulnerable, to have opened your heart. Your heart will mend with time. There is someone out there who will be ready for you.
In the meantime, find another dance class. Seeing him unnecessary, imagining what his expression means, dancing/talking to him are unhealthy when you're trying to move forward.
All the best.
I agree with Akos, sometimes the best way of healing is just go to another dance studio so you can be happy dancing and not wondering what he is thinking. You did the right thing by letting him go. He seems to be the kind of guy that he scared of commitment and not really sure of what he wants. Trust me, with a guy like this, you can loose many years waiting for him to be ready and regret it afterwards.
I feel your pain. Follow your heart do what you feel is best for you. And do it as if no one is looking. Life is short so don't live another day in pain. If you love to dance and you can't stand seeing him at the class, find another dance class and live your life happy!
Sunshine,
He's not the right guy for you. Someone who truly wants to be with you won't hesitate.
Sunshine,
I'm fseling exactly the same. We met and he was so great. We too did not have sex until we were exclusive (about 5 dates). Once we became a couple he was affectionate but seemed to not be interested in sex. He kept saying that he was scared of getting hurt. I bought into it for 9 months.
We sat down and agreed we would go talk to someone. That next night I caught him in a hotel room with someone else.
I had him move out immediatly and felt great about the strengh and courage that took being that I was still in love.
Tonight I am reading this post a nd feeling so similar to you. I am stuck in the needing to know why. I'm trying to think I am the strong one because I took a risk on love. He was a coward. But I too feel something is wrong with how I feel about myself because I just want to know that the last 9 months wasn't a lie.
My heart goes out to you.
Cris