Our letter this week comes from beautiful Jaime, who's getting mixed signals from a man she's interested in and she's wondering if he's into her or not.
Here's her letter:
I've been getting mixed signals from this man that works at the same place as me that I find attractive for a couple of months now. One minute I'm absolutely sure he's into me, the next he's ignoring me completely.
I wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation so I left it at that. But then he tells my friend he finds me attractive even though we still don't interact much outside of work related matters.
He apparently is always inquiring about me so she arranged for a night out with people from work including him.
We talked a little "group conversation" about work mostly, exes, etc. - whatever topic someone brought up. I again concluded based on the way the night went that he wasn't into me and put it behind me.
I found out from my friend that he said he felt pressured and that he didn't know what to do with everyone around.
He got my number from my friend and texted me a few days later. He said we didn't get to talk and he wanted to know if I was free the coming weekend and asked if we could get together for drinks. I happened to be free so I said OK.
This was a Wednesday, it's late Sunday night now and I still haven't heard from him.
Was I wrong for assuming he'd follow up to confirm? Should I have contacted him when I didn't hear from him? Is this even worth pursuing?
Oh Jaime, of course you’re confused. This poor guy is confused himself!
That’s what you’re picking up on, his confusion. That's why he's giving you mixed signals.
He seems like he’s interested, even talks to your coworkers about it, makes you feel like it’s just a matter of logistics, and then when the opportunity presents itself in a way that he can’t miss it this time, still nothing.
First of all, let’s clarify this piece.
You weren’t wrong for assuming he’d follow up to confirm. If you didn’t have specific plans made at that time for the important details – the when and the where at the very least – then you obviously needed him to follow up to confirm.
Now should you have contacted him when you didn’t hear from him? Well, you certainly could have. But should you have had to? No, absolutely not.
The beautiful, confident, radiant woman knows what she wants in a relationship, and someone who's going to set up vague plans but then not follow through is definitely not what she wants.
Contacting him to ask if he's still interested in getting together would send the message that you're okay with this kind of behavior.
If he was sitting around waiting for you to follow up at the eleventh hour, that’s probably not a pattern you want to set up right from the beginning.
And if that was his expectation, that’s also not something you want to reinforce for him.
I’m guessing you want someone to pursue you, to follow up with you, to follow through with a date that he set up with you. Without having the specifics of the date, of course you would have assumed that he would be following up with you and when he didn’t –and it’s now late Sunday night - this tells you a lot about him.
Is this even worth pursuing? Well, at this point, I’m going to assume that if he really is into you and interested in beginning something real with you, he’s going to be contacting you to follow up and clarify what happened.
Some kind of explanation is definitely needed here if there’s anything worth pursuing here. If there isn’t anything more from him, I think your answer’s pretty clear.
And it better be a good explanation, considering you essentially got stood up.
Could he just be a confused, shy guy who needs you to do more of the work before he can take your lead?
Yes, he could be.
But without knowing more about him I wouldn't know. He may be a very shy, awkward kind of guy who's not used to dating, and maybe he felt too nervous to actually follow through on officially asking you out. These can be some of the best guys if you give them a chance.
If you think this describes him, then reaching out to him would be fine on your end. If you want to. Meaning if you think you can handle being in the driver's seat in the relationship.
On the other hand, he might be a narcissistic leaning guy who's just stringing you along but keeping his options open for something better to come along. And maybe something better came along this particular weekend.
Again, that's why an explanation is in order.
I was in a similar situation back in my single days, Jaime, as have many women here on the blog. I think we can all say we’ve been similarly confused and unsure of what we were dealing with when encountering a guy giving us mixed signals like this.
What I’ve learned about these types of scenarios is that you really don’t have anything to lose.
If this is just a confused, shy guy who isn’t all that comfortable with social nuances, he may need a little help to get things going and he’ll be fine from there. But this also tells you something about him. That he may be on the shy side, that he might be a little unsure of his role in a relationship, but also that he may be a sensitive, sweet guy worth getting to know better.
So take that as information to keep in your back pocket if you do choose to pursue this enough on your own to see what it might be.
You really don’t know and you really can’t know without more information. But whether you want that additional information or not is completely up to you.
This is where you insert your own thoughts here. Do you want to know more? Then reach out and ask him what happened. Keep in mind, you're not agreeing to go out with him, you're just asking him why he flaked on you.
Then, if you're okay with his explanation, and he says he still wants to see you, make it clear to him that you're not holding any time slots open unless he gives you a firm date and time right then and there.
If he asks anything long the lines of "Are you free this weekend?" tell him that you do have some plans (I'm sure you do, for at least some of the weekend, right?) and ask him when he was thinking. If he says "How about Saturday?", then ask him what time.
Don't let him off the hook until you have a specific date and time.
Don't make any assumptions - once he confirms a time, say something like "Okay, so you'll pick me up at 7 on Saturday", or, if you're going to meet somewhere, "Okay, I'll see you there on Saturday at 7."
That way, there's no confusion and you won't have to be wondering if he's going to call you or not. This also ensures you're not afraid to make other plans for the rest of the weekend because you're trying to keep everything open for him.
Remember, YOU are doing the choosing here, and it's up to you to decide if HE gets to go out with YOU. Beautiful YOU!
Hope this helps!
What do you think? Should beautiful Jaime give him another chance and see where this goes with this man who's giving her mixed signals, or should she just forget the whole thing? Let us know your thoughts below in the comments!