One of our gorgeous readers, Holly, is currently going through what so many of us have gone through before. Things were going so well but now her boyfriend has changed and he's getting distant. She's wondering if she should hang on, or just let go.
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane,
I've been with my boyfriend for a year now.
I moved in with him soon after we met, we were having a great time and I was so happy. We were always together and out doing fun things all the time, out for meals, visiting family together, taking trips on holiday, planning ahead.
He told me how much I meant to him, how great I was, and we were so in love.
However, I feel things have turned for the worst recently - as the relationship towards the end of the year we began to argue a lot in the house and he began to get upset living with me.
So one day I grabbed all my things and moved out reluctantly back into my mum's but we were still together and he said he still really loved me and didn't want to let me go. A few days later when he was round seeing me at my mums I found messages on his phone to another girl who he had invited around to his house for a chat.
Nothing sexually happened between them as I could read from the messages but some messages were too flirty for my liking.
I was heartbroken. I really trusted him and I lost the plot immediately and we had the biggest Fight ever at my mums house. Things got so damaged after that he didn't know if he wanted to be with me any more and we limped on for a bit before deciding to stay and still be together and try fix things.
Only now even though we are together he seems so different, he is more interested in his business than spending time with me, and when we are together we don't do much like what we did before because he says he's trying to save money.
We don't go out or go places together because he put most of this time into his work now and when he does see people he doesn't invite me along anymore.
It's hard for me still because I miss him so much and it's a big leap from seeing him every day and staying with him to only seeing him 2 - 3 nights a week and being treated the way he's treating me.
I'm always confused and worried and have asked him many times if I can move back in because I feel this will fix us. He says no and that everything happened too fast for him at the start and now he wants to focus on himself and take it slow, only I feel he's very distant compared to before and that we have lost a bond and connection.
Regardless of how he's changed he always says he still loves me and wants it to work. I have gotten so upset I have tried to break up with him a few times because I feel he's not there enough, but he always comes back to me saying he really still loves me no matter what we have been through and that he just needs more time.
I'm scared that if I give him more time alone he will not come to me or he'll just end things.
I can't help always being on his case either about the way he has changed now because I'm "trying to sort things out," but nothing seems to work no matter what I say or do and we just argue more or fall out if I do that.
I don't know what to do anymore because I'm lost and feel like I've lost my boyfriend I love. Please give me some advice.
- Holly
My Response:
If you can’t help but "be on his case" whether about the way he’s changed or because you’re trying to sort things out, nothing will work no matter what you say or do and you’ll absolutely just argue more.
You’ve got a very sensitive man here who needs to feel like a man, who needs to feel like he isn’t bad, who needs to feel like he’s in control of his emotions – and yet he doesn’t have any awareness of this himself.
Like so many men do when they meet someone like you who’s in touch with her feelings, who can feel at all, who sees past everything he isn’t and still loves him and wants to be with him, he feels a certain high and excitement at what the two of you have the potential to become.
That’s why he moves faster in the beginning, because he doesn’t want this feeling to stop, and because he so wants to believe it could be the real thing.
But when there are problems, when reality comes into play and he doesn’t feel so excited anymore at the prospect that you might not be able to cure all that ails him from within, he pulls back.
He creates more distance through the fighting, as anger, being acceptable as more “manly”(even though it’s not) is the only emotion our culture allows him to express. And then if that isn’t enough for him to numb his feelings that he doesn’t understand and doesn’t know how to deal with, he calls in reinforcements. In this case, this is the girl he was messaging and invited over.
This is how he creates more of that distance and distraction from his own feelings.
None of this is personal, Holly. None of it.
It feels personal, and yes, arguably it will seem like it’s very personal that he could hurt you like this. But to him it's just a means of escaping his feelings.
He doesn’t want to feel bad. He doesn’t want to feel ashamed for not being man enough to hold together a real relationship. He doesn’t want to feel anything but easy and happy.
So anything you say that’s going to feel like you’re blaming him or putting the relationship’s problems on him, is going to shut him down even more.
I know you feel like you can't help being on his case, but the reality is that’s one area that is all your choice. If you actually want a chance to see what else might be possible here, you’re going to have to recognize that every part of this is a choice.
So instead of getting on him about it, let’s try a step back to a place where you can accept this person you’ve chosen to love.
He’s got a lot of hangups, and issues, and he doesn’t sound open to discussing them with you (at least not right now.)
You can’t talk openly to him.
He brings in another woman to make this easier for him.
Look at each of these things, Holly. Can you accept them about him? Because the first step to changing this, is acceptance. If you can accept him the way he is right now, you have a chance.
But if you can’t, then that’s your answer.
This - what you’re seeing right now – is part of him, too. Now if you can refrain from being on his case, if you can see that this is someone who isn’t able to communicate using the same language you use, than that’s going to give the two of you a chance to have some peace and calm.
Once he knows it’s safe for him to come back without getting yelled at, he’ll come back if he’s going to. But when he comes back, that safety has to continue for him or he’s only going to go away again – whether it’s physically away or emotionally away through fighting or bringing in another woman to create the distance he needs.
This is really about building trust. For both of you.
You need to know that he’s in this for real. And he needs to know that you accept him for who he is.
That’s a tall order. For any of us!
And especially for those who are living with a lot of shame left over from our childhoods about who we’re supposed to be and what we’re supposed to be capable of.
But, Holly, if you really want to give this a chance, if you really want to see if this could make a difference, this is what it takes. Anything else, he’s going to see right through. He won’t trust that you actually love him for who he is.
If it feels like a test, in a way it is.
This is where he’s at, this is where he lives. If you try to confront him with this, he won’t let you, he'll just shut down.
But if you show him, with your actions, that you’ve opened the door to him he may be able to give you something more in return.
How long does it take? As long as it takes him. But it’s his actions that will show you everything. Give yourself a timeline and set a date for you to revisit whether this is still working for you. And then do it again when you get there if you need to.
Why does this have to come from you? Why can’t he do this work himself? Why does it feel like he can get away with doing whatever he needs to do to feel safe and you have to be the one who treats him with kid gloves?
Because you’re the one who wants him, Holly. And that’s the only reason why.
If any of this doesn’t work for you, you have every right in the world to call it quits and walk away and find someone who will never treat you like this. But if that’s not who you are or what you want to do, don’t pretend it is. You don’t answer to anyone else but you.
Oh you’re not alone here. We may all want you to walk away, but the reality is, most of us struggle with this in much the same way!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our gorgeous friend, Holly? Share them with us below in the comments!
I reaquainted with a high school on facebook. He had just ended an 8 year relationship with a woman. She cheated on him. After a few months, he started inviting me to go eat with him and we started meeting at the gym most everyday. Just as good friends. The last couple of weeks he keeps reminding he is a friend, just a friend. I have quit texting him because i felt like he didn't like that. Don't hear from him either. Should i just go on living my life and leave him be? But i just don't get how you drop a friend.
Agree with all the comments above. This guy will have you like a yo-yo. Pulling you in and pushing you away. You don't deserve this. When a guy wants you he will move mountains and the stars to get you. It's obvious this guy doesn't want to commit. He is keeping you hanging on until he gets as he sees it - someone better. Let go and live your life.
Don't waste anymore time waiting, hoping, wishing, wanting and imagining what is not there. You deserve so much better. You need to search yourself and realize why are you accepting this poor treatment. Its easy to tell someone you love them but it's harder to show it. When you love someone you want to be around them. It's obvious you are more into him that he is into you. Don't believe that emotional crap about him figuring out things and wanting space. Let him go so you will make room for the person who will cherish you.
I just went through this except i didn't move in with him. he basically told me after 2 years, he just wants to be selfish and focus on himself and not be in a relationship, not have to check in with somebody... then he started texting another women and deleting the texts in his phone. he claimed they were just friends. I called her. he never told her he had a girlfriend. he was scared and couldn't commit so he just jumped ship. but he wouldn't really leave and just kept giving me enough crumbs to try to keep me involved so I didn't go out with someone else. so I severed all ties, blocked his number and started going out with other people. After a few weeks, he started calling me again (when the other woman blew him off). He kept trying to see me and I had already moved on and started seeing other people. now it's easier for me to look back and realize that there are so many great guys out there who want a good relationship with women like us that we don't have to tolerate being treated that way because someone else has unresolved issues. THEY need to work on themselves...we know who we are and what we deserve. don't ever settle!! Good luck
it's not working despite the effort that's being made, thats a sign. if he wanted to make it work he would but he didn't.
Give him what he wants....let go. He made that choice.
This is not a game, and him texting and getting together with another girl, whether they are sleeping together or not, is immature of him if he truly still cares for you.
Let him go.
Live your life.
I know it will be difficult. Do not call him or text him and do not accept any calls/texts from him. No contact will help you move forward.
I wish you the best.
I second that. Just went through this BS. He wants out and doesn't have the balls to finish it off with any integrity. He might be a little scared that leaving you is the wrong choice, but he mostly wants out. Free him. And free yourself of the torture that these kinds of guys can keep you in. I just a whole year of it! Ugh. No. Never stick around for a confused guy. It's not good for either party. Let him figure himself out. Don't expect him to come back. If he wants you back, he better beat down the door or it's not worth it anymore. I think I let myself suffer too long because I thought there was some virtue in patience and open-mindedness. There isn't. It's just torture and enabling his degradation of your self-esteem and life in general.
Similar to a situation I'm in, but we're much older. He's super-smart, super-sensitive, a God-fearing man with his heart in the right place. We agreed to go on a three-day "holidate" to see new places and try new restaurants in a different town. (We're long distance, met online and only had a few dinner dates before, and some of them with mutual friends at that.) He was clearly working hard at being a good boyfriend, opening doors and holding chairs, but the conversation had never really gotten beyond shared academic interests. Problem is, he seems to have an "Internet addiction" - not porn or anything, just sharing loads of academic and linguistics and art history-related stuff on Facebook. To the point where he was still sitting there an hour after he was supposed to take me to dinner, and angry that he couldn't figure out how to upload a video we'd just shot together. I think I surprised him by gently trying to soothe him and show him how to do it (and I think he felt ashamed for flying off the handle). Most importantly, this was the point where his mask began to slip. Shortly after, in some humourous context, he admitted he has a lot of repressed emotions. He's been married once, disastrously, and apparently had a lot of failed relationships. I had told him early on in this 3-day "holidate", as positively and non-judgmentally as I could, that it's great that we connect intellectually, spiritually and physically, but it will take time to see if we truly connect emotionally. He agreed, though while he can speak 17 languages, the language of feelings is clearly one he's not mastered. Now, by the last evening, he seemed quite withdrawn and distant, and I began to feel I'd stayed too long at the fair. But his goodbye kiss and hug were warm. But he's gone silent since then (4 days), and it probably didn't help that one of our well-meaning friends posted on Facebook that we'd run off together and eloped! Figuring you can't say the wrong thing to the right person, and if you're with the wrong person it doesn't matter what you say anyway, I briefly messaged him on Facebook saying hoped his trip home had been relaxing, and by the way I had never said anything about marriage to our mutual friend and her comment had been made entirely on her own. No response from him so far, but I'm thinking that it's okay, because clearly the whole experience of spending so much time together (whilst trying to maintain the facade of what he feels he "should" be as a "real man") has been quite overwhelming for him, and he's processing it all. He knows I'm likely to accept him "as-is" and not yell at him (as apparently other women have done). And I know it's not a matter of him choosing me but me choosing him, so I'm just waiting and watching and going on with my beautiful life for now!
Please help I met a guy on line last year he messaged me he seemed really nice and chatty. We met on a dating site. He asked for my number he seemed interested in me thing is ive never met him. Recently he's being acting weird. A few days before valentines day he wasn't replying to my messages he was getting them but texting . the last thing he messaged was sure I am.when I asked if he was interested in me. After that nothing. This year on valentines day I messaged him morning he read it and deleted me no warning no explanation . no reason. Since them nothing I don't know why . it would have been eight months. Since he first messaged me. I never saw this coming . please help.
8 months and you've never met? You asked if he was interested and he didn't even reply and deleted you?
That's your answer honey... move on. He already has...
Oh Michelle I feel so much for you - I was very recently in a similar situation and the guy just disappeared, totally gone without a word. It really hurt because I cared for - and trusted him. But - the thing we both need to remember is - that if people will treat us like this, without the decency of a goodbye or even an apology - then they are not worthy of our beautiful selves. We can - and will do - so much better. Wishing you love and light...Gail xx
Walk away, find a MAN, he sounds like a sensitive Pussy.
Your mind need a rest, stop wasting your time on a waster. I was involved with a sensitive Pussy, I gave him 2 years of my life making all the excuses in the world for him and all I got was headaches after headaches.