What do you do when the relationship that you're in has simply worn you down to the point that you have almost no self-esteem left, but you just can't bring yourself to let go and move on? Our story this week comes from gorgeous Angelina, who can't imagine life without him, but is feeling completely broken down at this point.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane.
Please allow me to preface this to say that my husband is my first real love and I have identified myself with my marriage so long that not only is this excruciating but I also have almost no self esteem left because I forgot who I was.
From day one I always had misgivings about the person who is now my husband and we even argued a little on our first date but I let his other qualities shine through and chose to ignore his anger and tendency towards cruelty until the more problems we faced in life, (his overbearing, overly intrusive Eastern European minded mother and housing issues along with his demanding job) took a toll on me.
I felt we didn't handle any of these issues as a team, just him wearing me down with his anger and near total hatred of me until I caved in but this never felt right so I'd stand up for myself by getting angry at him.
He is so stubborn and his mother has messed his mind up so much, (she is very very good at guilting him and passing on her hysterics to him, she wants to be the first person in his relationship calling all the shots of the marriage), that I found myself reacting in anger and frustration to try to get him to do anything good for himself.
A kind touch would not work but ironically it was my kindness that he said he fell in love with.
He always eventually came around to do what needed to be done until last winter, (when the stress of housing - we mistakenly bought a terrible house and have been dealing with unscrupulous contractors since to try to put it back together along with a new really terrible boss at work made him feel like a failure), He had a nervous breakdown.
Now, all I hear is how literally EVERYTHING is my fault, NOTHING is his fault and he refuses to show ANY physical intimacy of any kind and just keeps saying he feels like he is just a giant black hole - that he feels nothing especially for me, but refuses he to get any help.
It's important to note here that he never blames the house or the boss at work even though these could very well be the issues.
I have been researching, studying, taking classes, (I even went to therapy to save my marriage by myself because he refuses to go), on how to save my marriage but nothing has seemed to work and all I hear about is how the failure of the marriage is because I am such a terrible person and he can't remember anything good.
He did eventually go on medication as his "last attempt to save the relationship" and it finally seemed like it was beginning to work but he felt emasculated so went off it without tapering and this made him worse.
We have parents in different states and I just didn't feel I could deal with his mother and the crumbling marriage so I went to see my parents and when I tried to contact him to check in after not receiving any communication, not even a merry Christmas or happy New Year, he said "don't come back and only all through texts".
I have been trying to communicate and come back for over a month and a half again after the same thing , (with him telling me not to come back and not communicating), happened last year and when I left this time I thought we were doing better and making progress.
I guess I was wrong again.
So, I've just stayed with my parents feeling like a loser because I made my whole life about him succeeding at work. I have no job right now because again, I made my life about him and him finding success.
I have no real friends but I am independent and have used my gym and friends at the gym and trying to find an outlet through be creative in someway as an escape. There is NOT another woman, I know that for a fact. Though I torture myself telling myself there is.
I really love him but I obviously lost myself and his theatrics don't help with life. He is the only man I've ever been with physically and we've been together for 12 years. I feel old now, which he constantly tells me I am.
I am 33 and my self esteem is completely gone because he was the worst voice - actually telling me horrible things - that have stuck in my head.
There were really good times but the constant blame and total lack of intimacy for over a year have hurt me to my core. I think we make progress no then we are right back to square one. He blames me asking him to go on medication to try to help him as one of the reasons he wants nothing to do with me.
Is there anything I can do to help him come back from what I see as depression and view me in a positive light or be able to see the good times we have had aging or have I lost him forever? The thought of life without him terrifies me.
What is so terribly wrong with me? Am I really that awful of person? I've just been trying to help him.
My opinion does not seem to matter and the marriage has become very crowded with his mother inserting her negative feelings. Thank you in advance.
Please take care.
- Angelina
My Response:
There’s nothing wrong with you, Angelina. But being with someone who blames you for the deeper issues that ail him that his sensitive ego won’t allow him to admit, sets you up to feel like there’s everything wrong with you.
When his voice becomes the loudest and it’s filled with blame and guilt that he’s projecting on you because he can’t bear the shame of taking it on himself, it doesn’t take long before this becomes your voice, too.
Add to that the long history you have with him, the investment you feel of years of being with him of living with him, it is not something we can break off lightly.
There’s a dynamic here that comes into play when we’re with someone like this. You were drawn to him for the same reasons he was drawn to you. You both represent something beyond each other.
The part about his overbearing mother gives such insight to what’s going on behind the scenes for him. And somewhere, in your own dynamic, there is something about this man that meets a deep need for you as well.
These kinds of relationships are the most difficult to navigate, but they’re not impossible.
The most important thing you can do is to start by understanding that how he’s behaving has everything to do with him and his fears and his place of wounding – further supported by his feeling emasculated by getting help and seeing medication as a weakness.
This is how so many men feel, and it’s why we’re the ones who try to help them through, who keep on trying to help, loving them through whatever they’re going through.
It’s also why they need us, why they choose us, and why they don’t want to let go of us completely. To them, we’re the lifeblood that gives them hope. For as long as we’re not giving up on them, they can believe there’s hope.
This is what turns the question from "what does he need to do?", to "what do I need to do?"
When you love an emotionally unavailable man, you are basically loving a child. Unconditional love is the only thing that can get through to him. But that’s going to put so much on you.
There’s a reason he’s acting like a child in so many ways. Mostly, it’s because that’s where he was wounded. That’s where his emotional growth was stunted. He couldn’t move forward because his feelings that he was very much feeling weren’t being accepted. So at this point he became stunted and this is where you still see him now, emotionally.
Yes, you can do it. But it takes a certain type of women to be able to do it.
If you can’t accept his behavior for what it is, if you keep trying to change him rather than lead him to see a different way because of your acceptance and unconditional love of him, you can’t do it.
My question for you is why do you want to love him unconditionally? What is it about him that make him deserve that kind of love from you? Unconditional love accepts everything.
Why would you love him like that? Most of us are loving him like that because that’s how we want to be loved. But look closer at that because projecting that kind of love on him that we want for ourselves is a very tricky territory.
Since we need so much, giving him that love will never guarantee we get that love back in return. Instead, what it almost always does is set us up to be resentful, to feel wronged, to feel so angry that we gave him what he couldn’t give us and that somehow we’re owed because we did it first.
But that’s not all bad. It’s going there in the first place that allows us to look deeper at these concepts.
Of anger that most of us have never been allowed to feel. Of resentfulness. Of judgment. Of this kind of tit for tat thinking. Of being somehow owed something when he never agreed to it – and we never set it forth as an agreement to begin with.
All of this aides in our own growth process, and that’s why this can be such an awakening to ourselves and the very things we think we’re all about - like unconditional love - only to find out that we too have loaded answers here that aren’t quite as black and white as we'd like to believe.
Get to know yourself, Amanda. Get to know the real you behind the image, behind the person you’ve become.
My guess is you’ve been with him from before you even knew who you were. There’s nothing to fear by discovering who you are. It may feel scary because it shakes up the status quo, but what it does is bring out what’s operating underneath there anyway, whether you realize it or not.
The more women I work with I've become more convinced than ever that the absolute key to being with a man like this is first filling your own cup full enough so that you can see him objectively. Then and only then can you decide if you’re up to the task of loving him the way he needs to be loved, before he can give love, and whether you can throw out what love is supposed to be like in exchange for what love actually is.
You're the only one who can decide if he’s worth this, but the only way to know for sure is if you come from a place of a full cup instead of one that looks to him to fill it up.
Ironically, as long as you look to him, he can’t give it to you. But also ironically, as soon as you can give it to yourself, that’s the only time you can give it to him, and then he may be able to give it to you.
That’s why none of the tricks work. Because when you’ve got this kind of a sensitive man, he sees right through anything that even remotely seems like it’s fake, and only gives you what you need when he knows it’s real.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our gorgeous friend Angelina? Please share them with us below in the comments!
I guess we all ended up here for the same reason and reading all of these responses makes me feel much less alone. Yesterday was a really bad day. Really bad. Since I discovered my boyfriend's betrayal, (December 8th, 2016 @ 6:47PM), I haven't been able to forgive him. I have been so hurt and I have resented him so much, I have become a woman I do not even recognize. He has apologized and acknowledged he was wrong which is great. I think what I continue to resent is how he is doing nothing to rebuild the trust he lost. He is saying a lot but he isn't doing anything. At this point, his words mean nothing to me and because I have probably been acting like a complete lunatic with zero self-esteem for the last two months, he has essentially lost all respect for me and is pulling away. Not only is he not rebuilding the trust but he is also not giving his time, his attention and his affections. He says he has to "want" to do those things and right now he doesn't want to do them based on the arguments we have had over the last two months. I think I am also mad at myself. I didn't want to forgive him. I resent having to forgive him. Why couldn't he just be faithful? Why did he have to throw our future away? My guess is he thought I would never find out and if I did, he thought it was "nothing crazy" so I would forgive him and let it go. His reponses to me are "you don't have to trust me" or "you don't have to forgive me". The thing is, I do. If I want to be with him, I do have to do those things. Can you infer his frame of mind from his comments? Essentially, he knows he betrayed my trust but because he says he "stopped" and is "doing nothing wrong now", he doesn't feel there is any work to do. And it breaks my heart. Over the course of 9 months, how did I let this happen to me? I felt strong, beautiful, sexy, smart, worthy and I felt I could trust my ability to attract and select a good man. Now, I just feel completely useless. I made an appointment with a counselor for a few weeks from now. I am trying to get myself out into the world. I started a crossfit-like gym and I am trying my best to move forward. It is a daily struggle. I think I want to walk away and let go of this relationship because deep down I know I deserve better, but right now I am this scared, insecure woman wreaking havoc from the inside out that I don't even recognize. Soon. Hopefully.
Bella, all I can say is Wow! What you just wrote is exactly how I felt for the last couple of months! The thing is, you DO deserve better and you will see that eventually! It's taken me some time, but now I realize that I don't want to be in a relationship/marriage where I can't trust the person I'm with or always having to check their texts, emails, calls. I want better for myself and I want a marriage/relationship that will be a model for my daughter. If this were my daughter in the situation that I'm in now, I would tell her to run as fast as she could! I know in my marriage, I was insecure from what he had done to me earlier and it caused a lot of arguments from me. I realize that some of our problems were my fault, however the things he did to me should have never been done. We all deserve to be in a relationship where we feel loved and are happy. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what's happening behind my back and I refuse to do that.
Hi Claire,
I completely agree with you. I do not want that either. I know I deserve someone who wouldn't do those things, as do you! So then why am I this shell of the vivacious, outgoing fireball I was 9 months ago? I keep asking myself that and at the same time I so badly want his attention, love and affection. How did the tables turn? How did he go from being sorry for what he did, from me losing all respect I had for him, to him no longer having any respect for me? I guess in order to do what he did, he could never have respected me as much as I respected him. I just wish I didn't still want him. Or maybe I just want the future I saw with him. Sigh. Thank you for responding. You sound so strong and you are right, I have two daughters and if this were happening to them, I would tell them to run for the hills!
I will also say all of that wondering what is going on behind my back is literally driving my batty!
Why aren't you the way you used to be? Because he took all of that from you. I completely lost myself when I was with my husband. Before I met him, I was always outgoing, had tons of friends, had self respect and never had an issue with self esteem. However, when I met him, I was at a low point in my life. I had went out with different people and never thought I would find "the one" and got really down. That is when I met my husband. I was really vulnerable at the time and he sucked me in. I changed who I was when I was with him. All of my family and friends saw that I changed, yet I always dismissed them telling me this as them being jealous of my happiness. I'm a teacher and have always loved my job and my kids. Looking back, I can tell I even changed the type of teacher I was. A few weeks after I left my husband, I wanted to go back. I asked and he refused to let me come back home. I was desperate at the time and he wanted nothing to do with me. After I was away from his influence a while and starting gaining clarity, I realized that this wasn't the person or life that I wanted for me or my child. He saw me changing and slowly becoming the person I was before. That's when the tables turned for me. Now, he wants so badly for me to come home and for us to start over. In my case, it's a little too late. There was also some physical abuse in my marriage too. I know everyone is capable of change, however I'm not willing to subject myself or my daughter to taking a risk like that any longer. Even though my daughter or his children were never around and saw the physical abuse, I know it would just be a matter of time before they did. I NEVER want my daughter to think that abuse, of any kind, is okay. It has taken me awhile, but I can see more clearly now and know this isn't the life I want. Don't get me wrong, I still love him very much and it is still extremely hard, but you can and will make it through. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When you do realize that you deserve better, you need to cut off contact with him and not let him guilt you back in with his promises of change. Know that you are a loyal and loving person and that there is someone out there that deserves that and he isn't the one. Like so many people have told me...if my husband would do this to me the first six months of marriage, what would it be like in ten years? In your case, y'all are still dating...what would it be like if y'all were married. I don't know how old your daughters are, but if they are young, remember you have little eyes watching everything you do and every decision you make. Be a strong role model for them and what type of person they should look for when they get older. That's what keeps me going and has helped me make some of the hardest decisions that I've ever had to make.
Angelina,
I can identify all too well with what you are going through. I met my current husband about a year and a half ago. When I met him, I was at a very low point in my life. I had many insecurities and then he came along. He said things to make me feel good about myself and he drew me in. Everything was great for a few months until he told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant. He felt compelled to be with her and raise the child together. This broke my heart. We were apart for a month before he came and wanted me back. I reluctantly went back to him. However, he would never talk to me about it. He would only get mad when I spoke of it. We were married a few short months later. We married not really knowing one another. I felt like he loved me and that was what I needed at the time. Our six months of marriage were very toxic. I had a temper and would get mad and he had a temper. However, his temper many times led to physical abuse. Each time, I blamed myself because I started the argument. Finally, four days before Christmas I left. We have been separated now for about 2 months. During this time, he has spent a lot of time with the woman he left me for before. Even though he says he doesn't love her, I know differently. This last month, he has tried his hardest to change and become the husband that he should've been all along, however, I know that if I went back it would never last. I have went back and forth from thinking I had a moral obligation to do whatever it took to save my marriage to knowing that this is not a healthy relationship and it will never work. I probably would go back, but I have a six year old little girl that I don't want to put back in the mess I took her out of. He has a pattern of many relationships and many women...all of which have felled. I thought I would be the one to change that...that my love would change him. I know now that he doesn't really know how to truly love someone. He can't offer the love that I need. He swept me off of my feet at a time that I needed "love". I wanted to be "loved". I finally feel like I am coming out of a dark tunnel and can see this man the way all of my family and friends see him. I will not go back. Instead, I will heal myself and I will find love again. However, this time it will be from someone that really loves me. I am 39 years old and if I can do it, you can too. I pray that you will begin to see this relationship for what it is and choose happiness for yourself and heal yourself.
Oh, Angelina. My heart goes out for you. You've got lots of good advice already, both from Jane and from all the other comments. My thoughts are the same as the others, but I'm writing simply to let you know that I get it. I understand your situation so well, because I am of Eastern European descent, too, and I know very well the type of man you describe your husband to be. Part of it is the personality type of the emotionally unavailable man; that is a universal, and Jane has done a wonderful job addressing it.
But in your case, your problem is compounded by an entire cultural baggage that I recognize so well. Please know you have not lost your mind, you are not making things up, you are not projecting anything. What you have perceived, experienced, and now describe is entirely true, and I am so familiar with the dynamics you've had the misfortune of being subjected to. Your husband is likely depressed, yet, and not receiving help because this makes him feel emasculated makes the issue worse, and is a very typical response in that culture. One of the commenters asked whether your husband has been in the army. That is a spot-on question, and even if I suspect he hasn't (if he is in his late 30s), he did experience the trauma of growing up in an abusive culture, where the type of interactions you describe are the norm. Men of his fathers generation were raised to define masculinity much like Jane has mentioned, i.e. to equate it with suppressing feelings, not engaging in any productive dialogue. But in addition to this, there was a very patriarchal mentality in the entire block of EE countries before 1990, and sadly a "true man" was often equated with what everyone here would unanimously describe as a highly emotionally abusive man (and sometimes even a physically abusive man). Men were programmed to dominate women, to expect them to tip-toe around them and cater to their needs, and the angrier the man, the better chance he had at putting his wife "in place." This was horrible and I experienced it first-hand as a child growing up in that kind of environment. Boys were being punished physically (and often in very violent ways), yelling was a cultural norm, etc. No wonder women ended up being overbearing mothers, because it was only in their 40s, 50s, and 60s that they would have any chance of dominating someone (usually their own children, and this is how the cycle would repeat itself).
I know many, many, many men from EE countries who have moved to English-speaking countries and brought along their unresolved issues, inability to communicate, inability to know how to forgive, inability to be emotionally mature. Not all of them are like this, of course not. But many, too many, are like this.
The mother: I doubt she'll change. I recognize similar tendencies in my own mother, and EE mothers tend to be more meddling in their son's marriages, because once their daughters are married, they assume that it will be the husband's job to "discipline" them. (I am married to a man from an entirely different culture, a very gentle soul, and my mother has commented, in a very hurtful way to me, that I am "lucky" my husband doesn't boss me around; the way she said it sounded as if there was some competition between us, as if she would have almost liked it if I had experienced the kind of abuse she put up with for so long from my father.) I had to fight hard against my parents' abuse, even as a grownup, and spent many years in therapy unraveling the strands of all this.
Good for you for being in therapy. Continue going. Continue going to the gym. Love yourself. Even if you somehow made your own mistakes, please know that nothing that you could have possible done would justify or excuse the kind of behavior you've had to endure from your husband. From the outside, I would say exactly what the others have said: from the outside, I'd say, it makes sense to divorce him. It is easier said than done, I know, and I do get the feelings of immense love you feel for him, and I understand how your identity is entirely defined through your marriage with him. But you are not just your marriage. You've been with him for 12 years, and they've taken a toll on you, but you are so much more than just this.
I resonate so much with what Ella has written, about how we can sometimes remain emotionally bonded to what we think was a great love for decades. I've had that experience for 20 years, from my late teens until my late 30s, in which I continued to remain emotionally attached to a man (my first love) who was not physically in my life anymore, and thousands of miles away. It took me a long time to understand what that meant for me, and what needs he fulfilled in my life for the two years we spent together, and what unresolved issues I had to continue to crave interaction with him.
I am much better now. You'll be better, too.
Jane's advice was remarkably spot-on. Thank you, Jane. Yes, I wholeheartedly understand this: "Since we need so much, giving him that love will never guarantee we get that love back in return. Instead, what it almost always does is set us up to be resentful, to feel wronged, to feel so angry that we gave him what he couldn’t give us and that somehow we’re owed because we did it first." And Jane is right about what she says in the following paragraphs, too.
I think many of us are capable of genuinely loving with a full heart, forgiving, and adopting an almost martyr-like mentality in which we think it is okay to love more, forgive more, love more, put up with everything, and repeat. And ultimately, true love is forgiving, yes. But you can love someone and keep your distance. You can't truly love someone when you are in the position of being hurt, continuously. You can love someone once you take care of protecting yourself, and then, from a position of health and strength, you can help your ex with any kind of help he may accept. You can't change him. He needs to change. You can't love him more and help him. He doesn't even want to feel your love right now. He can't feel it because it makes him feel ashamed of who he has become, and the more love you offer him, the more resentful he gets.
I'd encourage you to stay away from him, protect yourself, heal yourself, if he truly does love you, he may come around. But men like him are very, very broken, and a lot of work needs to be done before anything can be improved. It may be that the relationship with you will help him be a better man at some point in his life, perhaps for another woman (I am sorry if everything I say feels like a stab to your heart, because I know how much you want to continue to be the one woman in his life).
You deserve so much more, Angelina. You deserve love, but first of all you deserve peace, and compassion, and trust. You deserve to have a partner who motivates you, understands you, encourages you. A relationship like this that saps your energy all.the.time is toxic. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Don't accuse him, don't resent him, just take care of yourself. Be grateful there's not a child in this marriage yet. The damage would be so much greater.
You are young, Angelina. You are still very, very young. There's ton you can still do in your life, and there's a lot of love out there. Take your blinders off, leave the fear aside, turn off his voice -- this will take time, but you are already taking the steps in the right direction.
And if you do stay in the marriage, please stay with the awareness that he might never change. That you might spend decades with him in which there will be some moments of happiness, of course, but you'll deal with variations of the same patterns, until something changes. And the change needs to come from him.
If I could, I would give you a big hug. I have a feeling you'll be okay. I am so happy you have loving parents and are making new friends. Don't worry about what you haven't done up to this point; it's in the past. What matters is the now. And looking forward to better time.
I'm not surprised you fell in love with him so hard. Men like him can be charming, and we often are even somewhat attracted to their stubbornness because we mistake it for assertiveness. But I, too, am learning to understand that one can be gentle, kind, mature and still be a "strong man." That, in fact, the "angry man" is not a strong man at all.
Ask yourself: why did he tell you not to come back and to keep it all via texts? If he were strong, why didn't he divorce you then? Last year? Why is he waiting for *you* to take that step and initiate the divorce by not returning to him? Because he is weak, Angelina. Because, on top of everything else that he has done to you, he wants you to bear the guilt of having severed the relationship. If he were strong, he would have sat down, have a kind dialogue with you about your incompatibilities, and find a way to divorce without hurting either of you more. But he isn't. And this kind of "via text" conversations, of course, of course, I know this so well. It's because they are so scared of dialogue, of confrontation, and they feel ashamed, and can't find the resources to deal with meaningful communication, because they've never learned how to engage in meaningful communication.
And if he is a "black hole" right now, believe him. He probably is. But he doesn't want you to rescue him. He has no gratitude right now for your selfless love, and he may never have. Or he may. Who knows. But don't put your life on the waiting life, waiting for him to come to that "aha" moment. Sometimes people change, regardless of cultural backgrounds and what not, they just drift apart. And that's okay, too.
I wish you peace, and love, and happiness. Take everything everyone says with a grain of salt, but think about ways to take care of yourself.
And thank you for your added insight here, Elena. You've captured so much in your understanding and compassionate words. We can never get enough of hearing that we're not alone, that someone cares - and someone really does understand what we go through. Thank you!
Thank you, Elena, for all you have written here. Together, all of us are learning so much from Jane and from each other. There is so much light here!
One more thing. Reading this today, especially the part about "giving up" on someone but not on myself, helped me to "give up" on an emotionally unavailable man who continues to contact me every so often.
He left me a phone message last week after a month of silence. There was something he wanted me to do for him that involved helping another person we know. He "hooked" the part of me that always wants to be "helpful." In this case, however, I realized I can't keep helping him out in ways like this.
Just now he returned my call, and I kindly told him that I couldn't help the person but that I found someone who could. He sounded baffled. He wasn't expecting that. I didn't fill in his silence this time. Finally he broke the silence, and he thanked me for finding someone. I told him that I needed to get back to work. I almost, without thinking, said, "Talk to you later," but something stopped me and instead I just said, "Bye." I meant it. I have given up on him. That is the best thing I can do for myself. He's not a bad person, he's just emotionally unavailable for all the reasons discussed above today in your writing, Jane. Thank you so much for bringing me to this point!
Yay, Ella!!! That is such a big breakthrough!!! Celebrate those! I remember my first breakthrough and even though it was hard for me to stick to my plan, I felt so proud of myself for being able to walk away immediately when I saw he wasn't available.
Thank you, Angel!
Don't forget to call an attorney. Sorry to be blunt, you have been abused and leaving to save yourself is viewed as abandonment by others. Normally I would never go there but it rang loudly in my mind when you say he texts not to come back. You don't have to deal with him, but be sure you are not letting go of assetts that you may need to start over in a beautiful new life. Protect your heart ❤️ Best of luck and God bless
Thank you, Sue. This all helps. And not the least of which is just knowing she's not alone.
"There’s a dynamic here that comes into play when we’re with someone like this. You were drawn to him for the same reasons he was drawn to you. You both represent something beyond each other." (Jane's wise words)
I'm speaking from experience when I say that until we can see our part in these troubled relationships, we cannot see clearly. It's not enough to know what the other person's part is, although knowing that part gets us at least halfway to clarity.
I spent 37 years emotionally bonded to a man like your husband, Angelina. He never grew up. He was always his mother's boy. She even said that about him. She jokingly called him the world's oldest teenager. She had no idea that she was instrumental in keeping him that way. Anytime he couldn't find a woman to take care of him, he moved back home with his mother and father. I am the only woman who remained in his life until his death, although I kept my distance -- 1,000 miles away. The only time he could express his deep-seated anger at his mother was when he was drunk. He said terrible things to her when he was drunk -- very much the same things he said to me when he was drunk. He loved and hated his mother. He loved and hated me. He was devastated when his mother died. He was living in their home at the time. He never recovered from his mother's death. He died 5 years later in a VA hospital. He was homeless before he had the stroke which enabled him to have a "home" for the last months of his life in a VA hospital. Among his few belongings was a photo of his mother and a letter she wrote to him before she died.
Is your husband a veteran? The fact that the man I loved for so long was a Vietnam veteran also explains something about his troubled life. He also suffered from drug addiction and alcoholism and had been molested by man when he was a boy. His mother and father beat him brutally when he was a boy.
Although I separated from him physically when I was 21 years old, he represented something to me that I could not let go of until he died.
At age 67, I am finally healing and finding myself. If I could have let him go emotionally before he died, I would have. I did everything in my power to let him go, but whatever it was that he represented to me prevented me from letting him go.
Thank you so much, Jane, for sharing your experience and insight into these difficult situations. There is a way out. It is not easy. It doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible to be free and whole and loved and loving.
The key is knowing our part in these relationships. We are not our true selves in these difficult relationships. We are doing what we have been taught.
The other thing that I needed to read today from Jane was this:
"It’s also why they need us, why they choose us, and why they don’t want to let go of us completely. To them, we’re the lifeblood that gives them hope. For as long as we’re not giving up on them, they can believe there’s hope."
The man I Ioved always knew that I hadn't given up on him. I drove to California to be with him in the ICU the week before he died because he asked for me to do that. I wasn't with him when he died. With the help of the hospital chaplains, I was able to let him go before he died (I forget this -- but it is important). In a way, I DID give up on him. I didn't need to be there at his death. I needed to say, "Goodbye" and mean it and not go back to him. The doctors said that he was waiting for me and that after I said "Goodbye," he entered a coma.
What Jane wrote is so true. My part was that he was MY hope that I couldn't let go of UNTIL I COULD.
I have no regrets. My life is full and rich, even though I continue to make mistakes. I am learning from my mistakes. My life is not a tragedy. I have learned so much from my experiences. My heart is open.
This morning I am feeling especially grateful for this community of women who are learning to know who we are and that we are worthy of all the love the world has to offer. We are learning how to love ourselves and those we love.
I'm sending love to you, Angelina, and hope that you find the peace and love that is your birthright.
Ella, thank you for sharing your story, I learned so much from it. I understand and identify with what you said. I get it, and thank you. You helped me figure out some of my own thoughts and feelings.
Oh Ella, how my heart goes out to you for what you've been through. This is so tragically sad on so many levels, and yet the fact that you've found a way to move forward, to learn and to see that even with all this, your life isn't a tragedy and especially to come through with an open heart, is such a beautiful testament to your strength, your ability to love and feel and be everything that you were always mean to be. I feel a certain kind of shining behind your words. May you shine and feel that shine within you. What you offer is such a precious gift to someone who's truly worthy to receive it, Ella. Don't stop now - or ever. There is something so beautiful here for you - still here for you - and always will be. Thank you for sharing your heart. This is beautiful to see.
I am 62 and newly divorced from a man just like your husband. I am back living with my oldest daughter trying to get myself mentally healthy again. I feel I'm not at all too old to find real love again! You can too! Don't go back to the abuse, go to therapy and begin a new life. You will be glad you did. If I can at 62, you can too!!
Yay, Roxanne! Yes! Thank you for writing this! You are so right, and reading your comments lifted my spirits!
Cheering you on, Roxanne. I'm right there along with you believing what you know in your heart of hearts to be true! Thank you so much for sharing - and using your experience to reach out to Angelina. Oh we're never, ever alone.
Sometimes when we are in relationships we don't see what everyone else around us tend to notice as huge red flags. I really think you need to take a step back and "detox" yourself from this marriage. I know it's easier said than done. You are still a young woman and you can begin your life again, but this time healing yourself with self esteem. It seems like you did a lot to work on the marriage but he didn't put much effort into it. He seems like he has a lot of emotional issues that he needs to resolve. You need to ask yourself if it's worth your well being staying and dealing with someone who treats you horribly.
Take this time as a gift and really step back and look to see what YOU want and need. It's going to be hard at first. Later on in life, you'll look back at this and be so happy you made that step to better your life without him.
Wise words, Nett. Thank you. It takes a lot more to see reality when we're going through it than when we're outside of it. This all helps.
You summed it up when you said you went to therapy alone to save your marriage. Marriage takes 2 to work no matter what. It cannot survive let alone flourish if its one sided. It's like one hand clapping and expecting a sound. Walk away now. It's ok to choose you. Choose to be happy. Choose to respect yourself. Remember only you can gift that to yourself.
So true, Sarab. We want it to be enough with just one, but it always takes two. No matter how much love we put in.
She just needs to let go of her husband and take care of herself first. He may or may not come back when it's time.
Hi Nina. Thanks for adding to the conversation. I hope you're doing well!
I believe you should take the opportunity and get to know yourself during this time that he does not want contact with you. It appears that you only know yourself with him. Get to know you! You are a complete human being, and you need to learn to live without him before you decide if you want to be with him again. Then you will decide, because you want, not because you need. It seems that you can't see your life without him by your side, as messy as it may be, because you don't know another life. You have to thing about you too, not only his needs. What about your needs? And you might think, "oh I'm too old"... well, do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this? Being treated like this? Take some time to yourself, live to you, only you for a while, get stronger and then decide. Then, and only then, you might see what we all saw reading your story... this is not a healthy relationship. It's not your fault, and you alone cannot help him.
"Then, and only then, you might see what we all saw reading your story... this is not a healthy relationship. It's not your fault, and you alone cannot help him." - Exactly. Thank you, Anna. Hope you're getting some clarity for yourself, too!
Angelina,
You're a young woman, leave now, start over, don't waste another moment of your precious time.
Isn't she! Thanks, Diane.
I read "abuse" all over this letter. Personally and no disrespect intended, there's only one thing to do: get out of this yesterday! There's no healing ever by the side of an abuser. Is he suffering? Absolutely but the only person who can save him is himself, not another broken soul like Angelina. Angelina, please save yourself. There's a lot of power in you hidden for you to get out of this and make a healthier life for yourself. Rely on your parents, keep going to therapy for yourself. You've been severely abused and bruised by toxic masculinity. I hope you find people who can guide you and support you in your healing.
You know, Angel, we try to save them all and the irony is always, as you say, in the end we can't save them. Only they can. Our biggest sign is when we find ourselves losing who we are in the process. That needs to be our flag.