Our beautiful friend from Scandinavia, Ariel, has been dealing with emotionally unavailable men, and just had another one disappear on her!
Here's her letter:
Hi Jane and greetings from Scandinavia!
(Sorry for my grammar and spelling since English is not my native language, but I hope you understand 🙂 )
I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so confused and frankly afraid. Afraid with the situations I put myself into, and will put in future. That I'm in this circle that just won't stop.
Like you can guess I have had my share of emotionally unavailable men. I'm 36. The worst one ended 2 months ago (on/off, hot/cold thing lasted for one year) and really messed my head, I have been reading your blog for about one year, it has been so helpful, probably has kept me sane 😉
But to the issue I want to talk about.
I know I'm still in the early healing process from the last EUM, but I met this man, he's 42, who lives in the same town, so I kind of have known him for many years, but we haven't been friends or anything like that, I just know who he is by name, where he works etc, that's all.
He divorced 9 months ago, wife cheated... yes I know, red flag since not so much time has passed from the divorce. But I have some insights about he's situation since we have mutual friends.
Few months ago I met him couple of times in a bar, he was really interested in me and we talked a lot, nothing more. I was really messed up with "my" EUM so I didn't think about it even more than that.
3 weeks ago I met him again, nothing more than talking.
After that he started to message me in messenger, almost every day, also I initiated contact, it was nice chatting, about this and that, little bit of flirting, but nothing too much, I was actually quite happy that the chatting was the way it was, not this wooooing that EUM men do (or at least in my case they have done) they compliment and love you, they say they miss you and all that blaablaa even when they don't know you, and if your head is not in the right place you fell for this bs.
Well you know the story.
So it felt nice to chat with him about this and that, harmless and fun. Every time I have met him, I have thought he is a very nice guy and fun to talk to and I also find him attractive physically.
Then he said that he would like to see me, I said that sounds nice.
I'm really busy entrepreneur and even I have been dealing with EUM I don't change my plans because of men, or jump hoops when they ask me to. When I have next free time, I can see them.
It was middle of the week and I had a lot of going on so I said that on Sunday would be ok for me. He said that it would have been nice to see me sooner but that Sunday is good.
After that he started to be more flirty and said that he spoke with mutual friend and that friend had complimented me, I'm a really nice gal etc. He knew I had very busy Saturday and he said if I have time if I could call him (we hadn't called either way, only chatted) I said that OK, i'll call if/when I have free time.
I called him Saturday evening, he was really surprised and happy that I called and said that he thinks even more highly of me.
I thought that come on, we are adults 🙂 :)...
Well anyways, Sunday came and we discussed what to do and agreed that I will go to he's place and watch ice hockey since both of us are big fans of the sport. I wouldn't normally ever go on a first date on guy's place (and actually never been), but I thought what the heck, since I known him for many years beforehand and we have mutual friends, so it's not that big of a deal, like safety wise.
I went and in my opinion the date was great, he was really nice and funny guy and I really enjoyed he's company and also he seemed having great time too, there was no awkward moments, and I felt that it was more than friends talking, so flirting here and there, kiss for goodnight.
In the evening I left home and felt happy that he seemed such a nice guy, and it would be nice to see him again, but I didn't get over excited. I have learned to keep my head together and not go beforehand things. So I went to sleep and went to work in the morning.
I frankly wasn't even thinking will he contact me or not, or even think about it that much, I just felt good about the date.
During the day I run into this joke/picture that was about hockey and about a thing we laughed at and without even thinking about it I send this photo to him and wrote something lol etc about it. He replied after many hours "thumb up", so I thought OK, don't want to talk to me now. And continued with my day.
Now it has been 5 days since the date and I haven't heard anything more from him and I haven't contacted him.
I know someone would think that "only" five days but I think that when a guy wants to talk to you, see you, he will do it. No one is that busy, to make that call or text, he had the time 2 weeks prior our date, so he would have time now.
And also I did contact him, so he should know I was OK with the date, and remembered him about something we shared instead of that same old "Thanks, I had fun" text.
So after 2-3 days without no contact I could feel it again, that thing growing in my chest, that I have felt so many times before, that awful feeling, it's hard to explain, but you probably know what I am speaking about.
And all the time I thought that the date was awesome, that there would be more to it, that he would be someone who would like to know me better, go out with and see where it goes, maybe nowhere, but you can't tell without getting to know the person.
So here I am again, in same spot, feeling like douche bag. I think that now the main issue is that how I could have misread him so badly, that he thought the date was bad and I wasn't that interesting. I know this comes to low self esteem.
But I felt so OK with him and the situation, it was so different than before, with EUM, until the few day no contact came...and all progress I had made, was lost.
It's not that I'm in love with him, or invested in him, because this was so early, so no feelings yet, just attraction towards him, good attraction, not this I'm going crazy/super butterflies/wawawoom feelings. So why I feel so bad, again?
And I didn't see any other red flags than that so little time from he's divorce. But what is good time after divorce.
I could use some good advises, I'm so blind for the situation at the moment that even I know that strong/confident woman would be thinking now, oh what ever, had a nice date but probably he didn't feel the chemistry so he wasn't the one for me, next.
But now, like I said in the beginning, I'm afraid, how the heck I'm gonna go through a next first date after this situation? This has never happened before, even the EUM's have kept up with the charade for couple of months, before cold phase.
Is it that I'm still so vulnerable that I can't cope with the rejection, again, even this guy did it now and not after 6 months when there is all feelings involved?
Some wisdom please?
I’m thrilled to “meet” you all the way over in beautiful Scandinavia! I can understand a kindred heart in all kinds of languages, and am just so glad you found your way here and are finding my blog helpful.
Oh how I know that feeling. Don’t we all know that feeling!
And yet the truth about it is that it only comes when we’re with someone who isn’t on the same page, who can’t or won’t commit, who isn’t capable of being in the kind of relationship we want. This is when you say, “next”.
It’s when you recognize this isn’t about you, it’s about him. But you’re the one feeling it. You’re the one carrying it, you’re the one taking it on, making it about you when the reality is it’s all about him.
It was the “idea” of you, of going out with you, of pursuing you, of seeing you, of messaging you that was so appealing to him.
When it came to the real thing, he obviously didn’t have it in him to follow through. That’s always what’s there in the silence, while you feel that feeling, what you feel is the awfulness of him thinking about it too, and not being there, not being able to get there and making his own decision so opposite of what you want him to.
You sense it! See that? That’s why it hits you like that.
You know, you always know. It’s our reaction to that feeling, to that very real kind of sensing deep down in the pit of our beings that shows us the way out. To take it on, or let it go? To absorb it, or to give it back? That part is what we must learn to control.
Is this ever about what you did wrong? Absolutely not! You didn’t jump at the chance to see him. You didn’t rearrange your plans, you didn’t change your life around for him. Sure we can look at the details and say you could have not called him Saturday night when you were free, you could have not gone to his house, you could have not initiated any contact at all, but the only thing that would have done is what is always does - it simply delays what you already found out.
The EUM (Emotionally Unavailable Man) is simply attractive to you. Whenever we have a pattern of attracting the same type of person over and over again, this is where your answer is. None of these men have been capable of having a relationship with you. None of these men have been on the same page as you. None of these men have had anything real to offer you. And yet you’ve taken all of their issues, all of what they weren’t capable of, and summed it up in a word called rejection.
There is no rejection, Ariel. There is only you taking on what has never been yours to take on. And then carrying it, making it your own, and then letting it sit on you for far too long.
I have no doubt you’re a beautiful, sensitive, caring, giving woman who has so much to offer, so much to give, but only to someone who is actually on the same page as you. Let’s take all the not on the page, EUM labels of all these men in your past and leave them right there in the past. Today is a new day, Ariel.
Next time you notice someone who seems attractive, who seems to check out, remind yourself that you don’t really know him well enough to know if he’s ready or looking for the same thing you are. Only go out with him on an official “date” if you can step back in your own power, if you can hold onto your own beautiful you, instead of taking whatever he chooses to do or not to do with you personally.
I know that’s a tall order, I know it’s the last thing we ever do.
Instead, we always make it about ourselves, we overthink everything we did or he did, and we make it all about our worth, our being enough, simply because we have this ingrained programming that says we’re nothing if we can’t win the love of a good man.
These may be fine men, Ariel, but if they’re not the ones on the same page as you, that means nothing. If they’re not the ones capable of commitment, capable of the same type of relationship as you are, they are not and were never, the ones for you.
Don’t assume anything. He has to prove himself to you!
By his actions, so much more than mere words, over time, over getting to know him in person, not over messenger or text, but in person over time. That’s the only way you’ll know, Ariel.
Yes, you’re vulnerable, you identify with something called “rejection sensitive” but the roots of that run far deeper than we have time to delve into here. What matters is recognizing that every time you feel rejected, it’s simply someone who even with all their potential couldn’t get there.
Let them be.
You’re not here to change them. Your worth isn’t measure by whether you can “get” a good man. You don’t want someone you have to get, you want someone who meets you right where you are on the same page, looking for the same thing you are.
For real. Not just for the idea of it.
Real, authentic. Be honest with yourself about what you want, not what you’re supposed to want, or what kind of man you’re looking for based on who you are and what you want and not what other people have chosen for you. There’s some disconnect there that keeps producing these outcomes for you.
Go on your next first date when you can accept a real person in you and in him. When you don’t put him on a pedestal no matter how much potential he shows or how much you may begin to idealize him. It’s what we do so well, but it’s what hurts us more than we ever realize.
You can do this, Ariel.
Take what resonates with you here, sit with the rest that doesn’t. See if something more comes up for you. This is your own beautiful journey, your own beautiful life.
When we shift to the real, to the authentic, to what really matters and claim our own lives instead of the lives someone else intended us to live, we find something different in a place we never expected to. Love, real love, is nothing short of miraculous when it happens, when we look back on all the pieces that came together behind the scenes for you.
It will be the same for you, too!
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or words of wisdom for our beautiful Scandinavian friend Ariel? Share them with us in the comments!
If you want to learn more about Emotionally Unavailable Men, check out my program "Why Men Pull Away". You'll find your answers.