Our letter this week comes from beautiful Gail. She's seeing the signs of the slowly disappearing man, but she's not quite ready to let go and she's wondering if she should keep trying to work it out.
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane - I love your blog and have gained much insight from it - but I am still stuck with this particular dating dilemma, which I know is a fairly common one.
I have been online dating with a guy for around 4 months (we live about 7 hours car drive from each other) - I am 52, he is 56. We hit it off right from the start and he was very romantic, telling me how he was falling for me big time, could imagine us spending our lives together, etc!
I really liked him and felt this might be the lucky charm (after several bad experiences).
He said he was really busy with his business in the run up to the end of the year, but he would make time soon to come and see me. (Sorry, but I was not going to offer to go and visit him, I do feel that should come from him, first.)
Well, you can probably imagine what has happened.
The texts etc. have gradually been becoming less and less (from his side) - often an entire weekend or several days will go by. No calls either, although I said I would prefer to communicate that way, rather than texting. He is still friendly and pleasant when he does communicate, but my gut tells me he is starting a slow fade on me.
And, probably most telling of all, he is back on the dating site we met, sometimes every second day.
Someone once said advice is what we ask when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't...and I think I need to let this guy go now, before I get more hurt and confused than I am already.
Or should I ask him what is going on, and run the risk of either being ghosted or hearing something I don't want to hear (he is not into me anymore, he has met someone he prefers....)?
I am tired of somehow ending up on the losing side of relationships, but I also know that I am worth more than simply being an option to this guy...what do you think?
- Gail B
My Response:
I’m so glad you reached out, Gail, and thank you for your kind words!
I think that quote you mentioned about advice is often spot-on. Because you’re right; you’ve answered your own question.
You know, more than anyone else, what the answer is. You’ve narrowed it down to your two choices. Let go or ask.
The reason why we don’t ask where we stand, why we’re willing to let go and walk away without having that conversation, is because usually we know what that answer will be. It may be shrouded in words that say the opposite. But underneath any surface niceties or denials, you can always find the truth.
It’s his actions that tell you everything.
What if you detach? What if you let go and move on without telling him this, without making it into a formal announcement? What if, as you say, you embrace this part – that you’re worth more than simply being an option to this guy?
Put enough emotional space between the two of you so that you can be the outsider. You can’t see him objectively when he’s got your heart, when you’re feeling like he’s the one running the show, and you’re left to catch whatever bits and pieces he throws out to you.
When you’re in it, when you’re emotionally attached, your feelings are amplified. But when I read your words and hear the feelings behind your words, I’m sensing a woman who’s on the cusp of something big.
Keep listening to your gut.
There’s nothing to fear by asking him. There’s everything to fear by being afraid to ask!
Don’t live that way. Don’t be afraid to ask. The answer only reveals what you already know, what you already sense.
But it’s the living scared part, it’s the part that has you giving your power away to someone who’s showing you who he is, where he stands and what he’s not ready for – that’s the deeper piece of this that we have to see, and then to understand, if we really do want to move on.
I don’t believe in holding onto false hope in someone who you have no control over.
I do absolutely believe in hope. I believe in the hope of love. And most of all, I believe in having hope in you. It takes awhile before we trust ourselves enough to figure out where we don’t belong, but it's only from that place that we can we figure out where we do!
And where you belong, Gail, is where you’re happy, where you’re seen, where you’re loved.
It’s a beautiful thing when you’re no longer scared to lose something that couldn't be lost if it didn't want to be; that's when you're free to gain something far better. And it’s even more beautiful when you can see that there’s nothing anyone can say or do that would take away your worth, your value, and everything that makes you so beautifully you.
Don’t run. Don’t hide. Don’t fear what someone else thinks of you.
You’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea, Gail. But there’s a reason. You wouldn’t want to be.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
I know so many of us have been here, going back and forth on what to do. What have you done? What would you do differently knowing what you do? Should she keep trying to work it out? Share your advice for Gail below in the comments. She would love to know, too.
Help me
If they do everything to lose you why stay? Or ask yourself... If he looked totally hideous to me but acted the same, would I stay. The answer being no is all you need to know.
Thank you all so much for your comments, insight and support - that is where this kind of website is so powerful, it reminds us we are never alone! And thank you Jane for your words of wisdom - they have helped me see that this was not real - except in my imagination. (I did actually send this guy an email around New Year asking him to be honest and let me know what was going on with him...needless to say, I was ghosted - never heard another word.) The good thing is..I was not really surprised, his previous actions (or lack thereof), were already a huge red flag...so I am moving on, a little dented but still shining...and thanks again to all of you. And I think as the one reply said - I am learning to look a little more closely at what I really need, and the kind of person I am attracting into my life.
I'm so glad this all resonated with you, Gail. You're never, ever alone here. "So I am moving on, a little dented but still shining" - Love this. This is exactly how we shine. Thank you!
Hello Gail, Thank you for sharing your experience! As you know, you're not alone and sharing helps others!
I have been dating a guy for a year. At first he was all about pretending he was the marrying type. He would buy me rings to wear to make me look engaged but wouldn't propose. We lived in the Caribbean and I needed to go back to Canada. Since it had been a year, I wanted him to come along. Thats when he really squirmed! His excuses changed from one thing to another. I felt there was something not truthful about his stories. He never did come! He still says he will but when I ask the questions, which I do ask, he becomes very distant. He rather doesnt communicate with me, so I just get crumbs.
I deserve more than crumbs!
I love him and wish he was the right guy but I realize, he's not just the wrong guy for me but won't make any other woman happy either! There are so many men these days that have sociopathic disorders that have an inability to love and empathize. In my situation I also found signs of very strange behaviour when he drank he couldn't stop. Yet when confronted he would stop drinking for months altogether. As soon as I left to visit my family, I sensed he started drinking and going out but lying about it. This type of instability would be a future nightmare to live with! I always feel I am running after him, he doesn't pursue me. The only time he pursues me is when I'm fed up and break up with him. (Which Ive done about 6 times) Then he fights hard to get me back, but does the same thing all over again and becomes aloof and cold in the relationship and does things behind my back.
I'm finally getting fed up. It takes my heart a long time to let go but when Im ready, I do! I want a better relationship than what I have and the only way to get it is to let him go!
Hi Gail,
I've been seeing a man for 3 1/2 years. He has suddenly become distant and broken up with me. He is out and about dating other women and sleeping with them. We met last night and I thought he had missed me and wanted me back. He only wanted to get together and have sex with me. For the first time in my life, I saw the real man standing before me. The man who is not ready for a commitment- one that I have wanted for 3 1/2 years. I walked away and drove home with a new found freedom. I feel no matter how much time you invest in a person that person will always eventually let you down. The person that won't let you down is you. The man who stop responding to you lost. Take your fine self, pick up the treasures that you possess, and go take care of yourself. Feel your Power! These men that want us will come after us! We really do not have to do anything but have the ability to respond back to them. Believe me, they don't need to be chased or reminded to call us - their actions speak volumes.
Oh Gail, please please please look at why you attached to a man you NEVER MET. A man you never met cannot ghost because he was never yours. I know it feels like you were dating, but you were not. I know the attention feels good, but you were in a fantasy, nothing real. Really look at why that was enough, look at why you were investing, and look at your patterns. Next time, when a long distance man comes your way, you are pleasant, but never engaged or investing when there is no reality (spending time where you both live)