Our beautiful friend from Scandinavia, Ariel, has been dealing with emotionally unavailable men, and just had another one disappear on her!
Here's her letter:
Hi Jane and greetings from Scandinavia!
(Sorry for my grammar and spelling since English is not my native language, but I hope you understand đ )
I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so confused and frankly afraid. Afraid with the situations I put myself into, and will put in future. That I'm in this circle that just won't stop.
Like you can guess I have had my share of emotionally unavailable men. I'm 36. The worst one ended 2 months ago (on/off, hot/cold thing lasted for one year) and really messed my head, I have been reading your blog for about one year, it has been so helpful, probably has kept me sane đ
But to the issue I want to talk about.
I know I'm still in the early healing process from the last EUM, but I met this man, he's 42, who lives in the same town, so I kind of have known him for many years, but we haven't been friends or anything like that, I just know who he is by name, where he works etc, that's all.
He divorced 9 months ago, wife cheated... yes I know, red flag since not so much time has passed from the divorce. But I have some insights about he's situation since we have mutual friends.
Few months ago I met him couple of times in a bar, he was really interested in me and we talked a lot, nothing more. I was really messed up with "my" EUM so I didn't think about it even more than that.
3 weeks ago I met him again, nothing more than talking.
After that he started to message me in messenger, almost every day, also I initiated contact, it was nice chatting, about this and that, little bit of flirting, but nothing too much, I was actually quite happy that the chatting was the way it was, not this wooooing that EUM men do (or at least in my case they have done) they compliment and love you, they say they miss you and all that blaablaa even when they don't know you, and if your head is not in the right place you fell for this bs.
Well you know the story.
So it felt nice to chat with him about this and that, harmless and fun. Every time I have met him, I have thought he is a very nice guy and fun to talk to and I also find him attractive physically.
Then he said that he would like to see me, I said that sounds nice.
I'm really busy entrepreneur and even I have been dealing with EUM I don't change my plans because of men, or jump hoops when they ask me to. When I have next free time, I can see them.
It was middle of the week and I had a lot of going on so I said that on Sunday would be ok for me. He said that it would have been nice to see me sooner but that Sunday is good.
After that he started to be more flirty and said that he spoke with mutual friend and that friend had complimented me, I'm a really nice gal etc. He knew I had very busy Saturday and he said if I have time if I could call him (we hadn't called either way, only chatted) I said that OK, i'll call if/when IÂ have free time.
I called him Saturday evening, he was really surprised and happy that I called and said that he thinks even more highly of me.
I thought that come on, we are adults đ :)...
Well anyways, Sunday came and we discussed what to do and agreed that I will go to he's place and watch ice hockey since both of us are big fans of the sport. I wouldn't normally ever go on a first date on guy's place (and actually never been), but I thought what the heck, since I known him for many years beforehand and we have mutual friends, so it's not that big of a deal, like safety wise.
I went and in my opinion the date was great, he was really nice and funny guy and I really enjoyed he's company and also he seemed having great time too, there was no awkward moments, and I felt that it was more than friends talking, so flirting here and there, kiss for goodnight.
In the evening I left home and felt happy that he seemed such a nice guy, and it would be nice to see him again, but I didn't get over excited. I have learned to keep my head together and not go beforehand things. So I went to sleep and went to work in the morning.
I frankly wasn't even thinking will he contact me or not, or even think about it that much, I just felt good about the date.
During the day I run into this joke/picture that was about hockey and about a thing we laughed at and without even thinking about it I send this photo to him and wrote something lol etc about it. He replied after many hours "thumb up", so I thought OK, don't want to talk to me now. And continued with my day.
Now it has been 5 days since the date and I haven't heard anything more from him and I haven't contacted him.
I know someone would think that "only" five days but I think that when a guy wants to talk to you, see you, he will do it. No one is that busy, to make that call or text, he had the time 2 weeks prior our date, so he would have time now.
And also I did contact him, so he should know I was OKÂ with the date, and remembered him about something we shared instead of that same old "Thanks, I had fun" text.
So after 2-3 days without no contact I could feel it again, that thing growing in my chest, that I have felt so many times before, that awful feeling, it's hard to explain, but you probably know what I am speaking about.
And all the time I thought that the date was awesome, that there would be more to it, that he would be someone who would like to know me better, go out with and see where it goes, maybe nowhere, but you can't tell without getting to know the person.
So here I am again, in same spot, feeling like douche bag. I think that now the main issue is that how I could have misread him so badly, that he thought the date was bad and I wasn't that interesting. I know this comes to low self esteem.
But I felt so OKÂ with him and the situation, it was so different than before, with EUM, until the few day no contact came...and all progress I had made, was lost.
It's not that I'm in love with him, or invested in him, because this was so early, so no feelings yet, just attraction towards him, good attraction, not this I'm going crazy/super butterflies/wawawoom feelings. So why I feel so bad, again?
And I didn't see any other red flags than that so little time from he's divorce. But what is good time after divorce.
I could use some good advises, I'm so blind for the situation at the moment that even I know that strong/confident woman would be thinking now, oh what ever, had a nice date but probably he didn't feel the chemistry so he wasn't the one for me, next.
But now, like I said in the beginning, I'm afraid, how the heck I'm gonna go through a next first date after this situation? This has never happened before, even the EUM's have kept up with the charade for couple of months, before cold phase.
Is it that I'm still so vulnerable that I can't cope with the rejection, again, even this guy did it now and not after 6 months when there is all feelings involved?
Some wisdom please?
- Ariel
My Response:
Dear Ariel,
Iâm thrilled to âmeetâ you all the way over in beautiful Scandinavia! I can understand a kindred heart in all kinds of languages, and am just so glad you found your way here and are finding my blog helpful.
Oh how I know that feeling. Donât we all know that feeling!
And yet the truth about it is that it only comes when weâre with someone who isnât on the same page, who canât or wonât commit, who isnât capable of being in the kind of relationship we want. This is when you say, ânextâ.
Itâs when you recognize this isnât about you, itâs about him. But youâre the one feeling it. Youâre the one carrying it, youâre the one taking it on, making it about you when the reality is itâs all about him.
It was the âideaâ of you, of going out with you, of pursuing you, of seeing you, of messaging you that was so appealing to him.
When it came to the real thing, he obviously didnât have it in him to follow through. Thatâs always whatâs there in the silence, while you feel that feeling, what you feel is the awfulness of him thinking about it too, and not being there, not being able to get there and making his own decision so opposite of what you want him to.
You sense it! See that? Thatâs why it hits you like that.
You know, you always know. Itâs our reaction to that feeling, to that very real kind of sensing deep down in the pit of our beings that shows us the way out. To take it on, or let it go? To absorb it, or to give it back? That part is what we must learn to control.
Is this ever about what you did wrong? Absolutely not! You didnât jump at the chance to see him. You didnât rearrange your plans, you didnât change your life around for him. Sure we can look at the details and say you could have not called him Saturday night when you were free, you could have not gone to his house, you could have not initiated any contact at all, but the only thing that would have done is what is always does -Â it simply delays what you already found out.
The EUM (Emotionally Unavailable Man) is simply attractive to you. Whenever we have a pattern of attracting the same type of person over and over again, this is where your answer is. None of these men have been capable of having a relationship with you. None of these men have been on the same page as you. None of these men have had anything real to offer you. And yet youâve taken all of their issues, all of what they werenât capable of, and summed it up in a word called rejection.
There is no rejection, Ariel. There is only you taking on what has never been yours to take on. And then carrying it, making it your own, and then letting it sit on you for far too long.
I have no doubt youâre a beautiful, sensitive, caring, giving woman who has so much to offer, so much to give, but only to someone who is actually on the same page as you. Letâs take all the not on the page, EUM labels of all these men in your past and leave them right there in the past. Today is a new day, Ariel.
Next time you notice someone who seems attractive, who seems to check out, remind yourself that you donât really know him well enough to know if heâs ready or looking for the same thing you are. Only go out with him on an official âdateâ if you can step back in your own power, if you can hold onto your own beautiful you, instead of taking whatever he chooses to do or not to do with you personally.
I know thatâs a tall order, I know itâs the last thing we ever do.
Instead, we always make it about ourselves, we overthink everything we did or he did, and we make it all about our worth, our being enough, simply because we have this ingrained programming that says weâre nothing if we canât win the love of a good man.
These may be fine men, Ariel, but if theyâre not the ones on the same page as you, that means nothing. If theyâre not the ones capable of commitment, capable of the same type of relationship as you are, they are not and were never, the ones for you.
Donât assume anything. He has to prove himself to you!
By his actions, so much more than mere words, over time, over getting to know him in person, not over messenger or text, but in person over time. Thatâs the only way youâll know, Ariel.
Yes, youâre vulnerable, you identify with something called ârejection sensitiveâ but the roots of that run far deeper than we have time to delve into here. What matters is recognizing that every time you feel rejected, itâs simply someone who even with all their potential couldnât get there.
Let them be.
Youâre not here to change them. Your worth isnât measure by whether you can âgetâ a good man. You donât want someone you have to get, you want someone who meets you right where you are on the same page, looking for the same thing you are.
For real. Not just for the idea of it.
Real, authentic. Be honest with yourself about what you want, not what youâre supposed to want, or what kind of man youâre looking for based on who you are and what you want and not what other people have chosen for you. Thereâs some disconnect there that keeps producing these outcomes for you.
Go on your next first date when you can accept a real person in you and in him. When you donât put him on a pedestal no matter how much potential he shows or how much you may begin to idealize him. Itâs what we do so well, but itâs what hurts us more than we ever realize.
You can do this, Ariel.
Take what resonates with you here, sit with the rest that doesnât. See if something more comes up for you. This is your own beautiful journey, your own beautiful life.
When we shift to the real, to the authentic, to what really matters and claim our own lives instead of the lives someone else intended us to live, we find something different in a place we never expected to. Love, real love, is nothing short of miraculous when it happens, when we look back on all the pieces that came together behind the scenes for you.
It will be the same for you, too!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or words of wisdom for our beautiful Scandinavian friend Ariel? Share them with us in the comments!
If you want to learn more about Emotionally Unavailable Men, check out my program "Why Men Pull Away". You'll find your answers.
I'm feeling proud of myself today. Have a bad pattern of attracting and BEING attracted to the same men over and over. Pined for an EUM for over a year and finally let go when I met someone else...but wait, he too is EUM! Difference is, is that he was honest and upfront the first time he pulled away and said that he was still in love with his ex and didn't want to hurt me. Internally I was devastated because of course, in my mind the fantasy was already in full flight, especially because he treated me better than any man has in 10 years. I never initiated dates or texts or phone calls, he took me around to his friends, didn't push me sexually. Was just sweet and wanted to get to know me. Normally I would start to panic and try to find ways to keep him invested, to "win" him over, to stay around so that he could "see" my worth and how awesome I am. Or, I would get pissy and freak out! But no, for the first time, I walked away with pride. This is what I said, " I appreciate your honesty. It seems like you need some time to figure out what you want. I'm going to give you space to do your own thing. I want to invest in a man who is ready to invest in me, so I'm going to keep dating and doing me. And if in the future you feel like you're in a better space, and the timing feels right, take a chance that I'm not swooped up yet and we can try this again from the start. đ "
This was my letter, thank you so much Jane that you picked my letter!
Your response nailed it, again, like your posts always do. I have now thought about your and readers responses for couple of days. And I'm in much better place now, seeing things more clear. Of course I still feel kinda bad that things didn't work out the way I had hoped, who wants to get the silent treatment, but these things are lessons and you learn something about yourself and I know that I'm progressing, even it's a long way to go, healing and self love.
And like people wrote, it was very good that this man didn't want to lead me on for months, even this silent thing is always annoying, just say the truth, but usually we never get the closure we want, or want to hear.
I think that one thing that got me a bit 'carried away,' was that after you break up with someone, or don't get the commitment from someone you wish you could have it, you feel that you will never feel anything towards anyone again or find them attractive etc. Of course you know this isn't true, but when you are in that moment, and this is happening to you, you feel that way. So when I felt that I like someone, and I would like to know him better, even it's been only 2 months since things was totally cut off with my "relationship" with eum, I got too "happy", because it took this other guy out of my head a lot.
And he's been out of my mind a lot. Maybe sometimes we just "want to hold on to them" in our head, such a habit in a way. I don't know, this isn't easy, as we all know..
Of course this also tells that I'm not ready for relationship, and probably not ready for commitment either, I'm still work in progress. But going forward, slowly but firmly đ
So glad my response resonated with you, Ariel. You're so very kind. đ There is no "when I get there". There is you, being you, being your beautiful, very human self. Look for others on your path who can acknowledge their own humanness as well. They're the only kind you want. For aren't we all works in progress, doing the best we can with what we know at the time! You're not alone in this, and I hope you're seeing that here. We always want to know why, to understand, to have someone give us what we ourselves would give them, no matter how little we may know someone. Let yourself be as human as you are. It's actually how we get to where we want to be. Keep us posted! đ
I have to respectively disagree to some of the comments. I don't really agree with the term EUM, I think there are defiantly jerks out there who use women without a doubt, but I also believe that timing is everything and just because two people do not work out does not mean that they are not on the same page and want the same things. We focus a lot of the men who don't want us, but how many of you ladies have had the opposite happen when a guy really likes you and you don't like him in that way. I know I have had this problem, if I break it off with a guy it is not because I am emotionally unavailable or not looking for a relationship, it means that I dated him for a few dates and no feelings were developing. This happens a lot when people date and it is OK, it does not make any person worse or better, it just means they did not click with each other. In this case, all that happened is that you had not seen/talked to each other in years and he wanted to see if there was any thing there after all this time. There isn't, which is unfortunate I understand but he is actually doing the right thing instead of leading you on for months then using his divorce as the reason he can't commit. He could very easily tell you everything you want to hear and string you along but instead he is being a standup guy and letting you know it is not going to go anywhere. It is better you find out now before you invest anymore time or energy into him.
Vera I totally agree with you that it doesn't mean if someone is not interested in you that he/she is automatically emotionally unavailable. But I think that most of the women/men who come here has really had bad experiences with emotionally unavailable people, assclowns, narcist etc. I think many people are emotionally unavailable at some point in their lives, for a while or a longer time. But it depends how you treat other people during that time, people you choose to date, if you choose so. There is nothing wrong with, for example in casual dating, if both parties are clear with that.
My point (or i hope it didn't sound like that) wasn't that this new man was eum, I don't know is he or not. But because I had really bad experience before, and trust me, he was really eum, lying, manipulative, etc. So when I met someone else, and I got my hopes up, felt rejection, felt like I haven't learned "anything", felt that I let my guard down and it backfired, took this thing too personally and so on. I seeked some guidance from here.
Ariel - You asked "what is a good time after the divorce". My personal rule is I won't date a guy unless he has been divorced for two years or more. I think it takes a while to get over something like that and be ready for a relationship. It sounds like you're moving in the right direction in general. Sounds like there might be some childhood wounds or trauma that is causing you to feel really torn up emotionally over these guys, maybe you are unconsciously tying your worth to being accepted or loved by someone outside of yourself. When I started to work on my self-love and self-care, that was when I stopped feeling so rejected and stopped taking things personally. Good luck!
Ariel I'm so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar situation happen to me a little while ago. I have a physical disability and haven't been lucky enough to find that right guy yet. I have had many friendships with guys and when it comes time to figure out where the relationship is going I get your a great friend BUT I don't feel like it could be more. I am at that stage in my life where I'm ready to find someone but it doesn't seem to be working out. I downloaded one of the iPhone dating apps to try and after a whole bunch of failures I started talking to someone everyday for four months. He initiated the conversations everyday and there was flirting. It was so nice that someone was interested in me for me. I told him I had a physical disability and he didn't care and said it doesn't define who you are. We had a lot in common and had some wonderful conversations. We decided to meet and I tried to get him to come to me but he said he was busy with work and school and wanted to get as much done as possible so we had time the following weekend to hangout and see where this could go. The week leading up to us meeting, the conversations were few and far between. The day I went to meet him I went downtown, met up with my friend who was going to be my wingman and made our way to meet him. He messaged me right when we were suppose to meet and said his dad was in the hospital and he couldn't make it. I said okay and wished his dad a speedy recovery and we would talk soon. I messaged him a week after to see how his dad was and no response. I haven't heard from him since. I feel disappointed in myself for getting so invested in this when nothing came of it. When I told him guys have does this to me before he said he couldn't believe it and would never do that to me. Then he goes and does it. Though I am upset it ended this way, it's a good reminder for us women to be strong, confident and know what we want in a relationship and don't settle because we think something or someone is as good as it's going to get!!
Dating sites are tricky and you have to be very guarded. Men usually are talking to multiple women at the same time as well as sleeping and dating multiple women. In this day and age, dating sites are certainly the easiest way to meet people, but the most important thing to remember is that it is a numbers game. Do not sleep or get invested with a guy from a dating site until he is committed to you and you have had the "talk" . And don't ever put all of your eggs in one basket, you should not be talking to one guy you should be talking and dating tons of guys until you click with one and turn your dating into a relationship.
Dear friends, nothing more interesting for men that women in their own world! Sorry for the comments, but men are predators and they need to chase their prey. What if we, women go back to the time of our grandma and stay quiet, knowing that deep inside we are stronger than men, that we have the power to attract them, involve them, make them fall in love with us and also the power to make them believe they are the best lover in the world. That worked for me. Since I took my place as a woman and let my husband take care of every little thing he was supposed to, things changed rapidly at home. Don´t take me wrong please. I am not asking you girls to stay home cooking or cleaning... I am asking you about recognizing the power that was given to you. When a woman is aware of her power, she is patient, don´t run after men, she has strong self-esteem and she knows she deserves to be loved and appreciate! Let´s go back to our power ladies!!!
I so understand where you're coming from, Ariel. I used to feel and think like that. It's us making it all about us, as if we could control what other people think and feel. We are powerful, yes, but it's backwards. We're not powerful to change others, but powerful to master ourselves. That's power.
Why does what he thinks matter at all? It just doesn't. He's not some sort of God you have to look to. He's just a person. He's no different from you. He's not less nor more than you. He's just a human like everyone else. Don't assign so much power to other people. You're just as important.
Focus on you.
People have their own opinions, preferences, ideas, and they have absolutely nothing to do with you.
Another question you can answer to yourself is: if you knew he wasn't ready for any relationship because of his divorce thing, why did you even choose to engage with him? You saw it, yet you disregarded it. It wasn't good or bad, but there's great insight in the why you did that. Dig for that answer inside you. You knew he was unavailable, but you are beating yourself up here. He didn't become available because he went out with you. He was already unavailable the minute you knew his situation. See that?
It's not about you. Remember you're not here to change anyone. People change because they choose to.
How will you go out on a first date again, you ask? With the certainty that the new guy has nothing to do with the last and that there's a great chance he won't be it and it's completely fine. You go out to have a nice time and meet a new person. That's it. Don't torture yourself. It's all in your head and it's unnecessary. I know it sounds super difficult right now, but if I managed to get out of that state, I know you can do it too.
You're more than fine as you are, Ariel. Just breathe, give yourself a break and live one minute at a time.
Thank you angel for your post. You wrote that I knew beforehand he is unavailable but still I continued to engage with him, true, I had that gut feeling that tells us something is not right. I chose to ignore it, like I have done before, I think it's the fairytale programming in us that does that, what if... and low self esteem, you get egoboost when someone is into you, even though you know it's not a good way to go. And you shouldn't need this from a man. But it's so much easier at that point to ignore all logic sense or wisdom you have, what's really best for you. After words you hear your inner voice saying, yep...you saw it coming so don't act so surprised.
I know. It's just another opportunity for us to see how much we really do know. How much we can do to avoid getting sucked into a situation that is not good for us. Remember that the fairy tale programming is not yours. It's not real, it's just some silly idea they came up with to keep us all monogamous and married for economic and social order reasons.
Always question the status quo. When you understand it's just an idea that doesn't mean anything, you're free to examine your true heart desires. And you will act more in alignment with them, not giving into potential but reality.
I think you are well on the way to having your sh-t together and it is really about him not being about to be real and for you to not think you did anything wrong here. Quite the opposite see this as a good outcome after all you didn't spend months or even years on this one did you? You were real and he couldn't handle that and he dealt himself out of the game. I see that as progress. Yes I know it feels like some sort of rejection of you and you feel foolish for even beginning to let him in but that is what makes you real. I actually feel sorry for him. He wanted something but he knew he can't risk getting hurt again or attached or whatever it is and so he has to go without. He is the one missing out more than you after all you can find someone who is open (when you are ready - don't push yourself - I am coming up for 12 months since my last EUM and only really now feeling ready again). He is stuck. Imagine it is like being sensitive to gluten and really wanting that lasagne but you know if you order it you won't be able to eat it. So you leave the restaurant and the owner thinks what have I done to offend you the answer is nothing. You got real with yourself before you got bloated! Doesn't mean you didn't want that delicious meal.
Oh Ariel, I feel your pain. My letter was published last week with a similar situation. Since I wrote to Jane, the EUM I was dealing with got in touch. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship but wanted me sexually. That doesn't work for me. He was singing a totally different tune a few months ago by the way. Anyway, I stayed true to myself and let him know that part of him is not good enough. He is not willing to give me what I want and need then I need to be free so I can find the man that will. This was not easy because of course there is a part of me that wants to be with him but I know better. It will end with me having a broken heart......again. I sometimes think the same thing. Why am I attracting what I don't want? I don't know the answer but I know I am not settling. I doubt my judgement too even though it's good. I think if I didn't even see this coming, what else am I going to miss? It's so frustrating but I refuse to believe I was meant to go through this life alone! We will find the perfect one for us!
Glad to see you're moving in the right direction, Kim.
You're not "attracting" these men. These men are everywhere and knock on every woman's door. The only thing you can do is recognize them for who they are and ignore them, move on. When you have these experiences, as annoying or devastating as they are at best, depending on where you are on your journey, you will surely learn to see the signs and get out super quickly. You can spot many of these men relatively easily. I know we doubt ourselves a lot because we're scared of making the same mistake again, but Jane is right. We always know. There's a signature feeling we have around these men. Pinpoint it. Even if you meet a man and you have no "evidence" that he's not right, the feeling will be there. If you learn to recognize it and heed it, you will be fine.
Of course it doesn't work for you, Kim; you deserve so much more than those kind of crumbs! Be so proud of yourself for staying so true to yourself, for resisting going there, even though you know your heart will feel like breaking again. We have to let go of what it feels like we can't before we get to the good stuff. It's not your fault it's so hard to feel that kind of hope! But don't ever give in to the doubts that say there's nothing more for you. Oh how there is!! You simply can't miss the one who won't be missed - the one who's looking for you, too!
Oh Kim, as Angel said, we don't attract the wrong men, we accept them. Every time you do what you did and let go of a guy like that you're giving yourself another opportunity to find the right guy for you. 99% of the guys you go out with won't be the right guy for you. So proud of you for standing firm with him. Keep focusing on what you want and moving forward!
Hi Kim,
I so appreciate your response. I too am going through the same thing w/my ex-girlfriend. We were engaged & the engagement wa broken just a year ago this past Monday. She & I hadn't seen or spoken to each other since last Dec after she contacted me last July after the break up. Bottom line is, I walked away after her not being willing to commit to working on us & trying to work things out. She wanted to be exclusive, but did not want to commit. Like you, that did not work for me. After being together for 3.5 years, living together & engaged, we were way past the playing house stage. Either we're going to give this 100% of our time & effort towards building towards something real or go out desperate ways. She too wanted to rekindle on a sexual level, but that doesn't work for me. I want her in that way, but it will not be productive.
I think we need to take a look @ ourselves when we find that we r the common demomonator. No reevaluating myself I found that I had some co-dependency issues, I was a people pleaser, I didn't really know what I wanted out of life which left me very vulnerable to an unhealthy relationship. It goes back to that cliche that if you don't stand for something you will fall for anything. So many kudos to you for knowing that sex is not all you want. When we know better, we do better. My advice to you is continue to learn & do better. Keep up the good work. Your love will come ;).
Butterfly
What an incredibly beautiful response you had to Ariel's letter. I relate to her letter and to your response and I have started to expose the feelings that blocked me from being authentic. Currently I am still a "project in progress", but I feel so much better too since I disconnected myself from unavailable men and not make it about me. It is simply about an emotionally unavailable man does not want what you want and you simply just move on with a smile knowing that your true love is on his way to meet you. In fact, this is what I told the last man I dated for 6 weeks and learnt I am more invested than he ever intended to be. I thanked him for his honesty and told him with conviction that I love myself enough to walk away so I could be available to be loved by a man that would appreciate me for who I am.