Online dating has brought us the amazing ability to connect with so many different people so quickly. Unfortunately, it also means that those same people can disappear faster than ever before. The question this week is from our beautiful friend Laura, who was recently ghosted by a guy on Tinder that she really thought she had hit it off with.
Here's her story:
I'm brand new to online dating, but a friend convinced me to give Tinder a whirl.
About a month ago I matched with a guy, and we really hit it off. Texted daily, and he asked if he could call me.
Yep, actual phone call.
Every time we talked on the phone, it was for hours. We talked about what we wanted, and were on the same page in regard to wanting to settle down, marriage, etc. He told me he was only even still on Tinder bc he was able to see my pics that way.
During that conversation, he mentioned something about me still messaging guys on there.
He had a vacation planned, asked me to go with him...I couldn't bc of a work trip. He works 80 hours a week, so once in a while, he wouldn't respond to a text, which I understood.
Last week, texted me that he was excited bc his schedule is changing in two weeks, and he was going to have free time so we could spend more time together. Last Friday, I sent him a good morning text (he did it almost every day, once in awhile I would send it first), and he didn't respond. I didn't hear from him all weekend.
Aaand, then panic set it.
I waited until Monday, shot him a text asking if he was excited for his trip, no response. At this point I assumed he just ghosted. But I had a few drinks and wed sent him a message on tinder saying he must have been abducted by aliens but hopefully they dropped him off at his vacation destination.
Said I thought he was great guy, hoped he had a great trip, and left it at that.
But in hindsight, I realize it might have come off passive/aggressive. Tinder said he'd been active so I presume he read it. Last night I changed a few of my pics on Tinder and this morning, poof! He unmatched me.
The coincidence is unsettling to me.
Did I let panic and paranoia just overcome me?! Part of me wants to contact him in a week or two and just ask him what happened...and yes, I realize how crazy/needy I'm sounding, but wth...I feel like I deserve some explanation at this point, even if it's that he just lost interest.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen, he already stopped responding to me. Lol.
There's just a part of me that is blaming myself and wondering if I pushed it too far!
Help.
- Laura
My Response:
Ah, Tinder. The dating site we both love and hate.
It gets such a bad rap, and so often because of stories just like these. So much potential, but it rarely seems to quite work out that way.
I’ve heard so many stories of cheating, of men only looking for one thing, of the very best of the worst from Tinder than any other dating site. That if he picks us, it must mean something because of its reputation for being mostly filled with players and the best-looking men.
So if we’re on there and he actually is asking if he can call us, then it must mean we’ve really got it going on.
Or we think of it as we’re going to be able to change the player, to love the guy who on the surface appears to not need anyone at all enough to turn things around. Except the exact opposite happens.
He’s not only looking at you.
You’re not the only one he’s engaging with, and at the first sign of you getting too close – yes, even if he initiated it (I know, it wasn’t even your idea!) - he’s gone. You’ve been ghosted.
Of course in a situation like this you're going to second guess yourself and wonder if it was something you said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. We all do it.
The thing to remember here, Laura, is that you were responding to a change in pattern, a change you sensed in that part of you that always knows more than we ever give it credit for.
Yes, you could have left it, and he may have responded at some point in time. But to go a whole weekend without communicating with you when you mention he had been sending you a morning text almost every day, would make most of us at least a little anxious.
The Monday text after hearing nothing from him all weekend would certainly have been an easy one for him to reply to, but again, his silence told you everything you needed to know. A change in pattern.
Right after he told you his schedule was changing so he could see you more.
Would it have been different if you hadn’t texted him again, and especially if you hadn’t sent him the tongue-in-cheek text after a few drinks on the following Wednesday? There's really no way to know, but probably not.
It's much, much more likely that what was really going on with him had nothing to do with you – even your panicked, paranoid self that might have let a little or a lot of itself show through – and everything to do with him.
First of all, he’s on Tinder. Let’s not forget that.
Secondly, he made a point of telling you he was only still on there so he could see your pictures. Why make a point of explaining that to you?
And then the most important part, your own gut instinct. Call it anxiety, paranoia, whatever you want to call it, but when we get a sense of something, there’s almost always something there.
Whether it’s a wake up call to do some work on ourselves to find out why we feel this way, or because there’s something we’re picking up on from him that’s telling us more of the truth than he is, there’s something for you to explore here.
Yes, you could reach out again to try to get an explanation, but you already have everything you need to know. The rest is just our own curiosity, or what we’ll later use against ourselves to beat ourselves up all over again.
Let me give you what I think you really want to know. Let’s go back in time.
He’s just texted you that he’s excited because his schedule is changing in two weeks so you’ll have more time together. You’re excited, right? Of course you are! So you send him what should be a normal “good morning” text if you’re going by the current pattern of communication in your “relationship” or whatever you’re calling it.
He doesn’t respond.
The weekend goes by and still nothing back from him. So let’s say you chalk it up to him being really busy, too busy to reach out like he usually did. And then, because you were the last to initiate contact, you decide not to text him the casual text on Monday.
Now by Wednesday, and probably much, much earlier since you’re one of us, you’re pretty sure he’s done a disappearing act but you can’t quite get your head around it – or about why.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t know if any of us could. But this time around, instead of sending him that additional text while loosened up from a few drinks - which is what it sounds like you’re wrestling with the most – you again refrain from sending anything and simply go about living your life, assuming that all this means is that he couldn’t get it together and isn’t worth your time.
And since you know you’re worth, you already get it that you’re beautiful, confident, and radiant just as you are, so you recognize that it’s only his loss.
Now how does that make you feel?
Better because you gave him space and time, and you left it with the ball in his court to respond when he wants to? Or are you still going back in time, wondering what happened because not knowing is still eating you up inside?
Now let’s go back again.
Let’s do everything the same, all the way up to Monday when you reached out to ask him if he’s excited about his trip. Totally benign, right? And yet still, he didn’t respond. Note that part. He’s already gone there.
If “good morning” initiated by you was too much, and now a follow-up asking about his trip, clearly showing that you just want to know if he’s still alive and still interested in having anything with you, are still too much for him, than what does that tell you about him?
Wednesday’s text, however passive/aggressive or whatever else it might have come off as, only showed what was certainly understandable on your part after your previous pattern of communication with him.
You’re reaching out, wanting to know what’s going on, and he’s giving you nothing. How you responded was how you felt. And how could you not feel something?!! If he had a sense of humor or wasn’t really in over his head with you, he would have responded in the only way a decent guy would have. With a sense of humor of his own.
"Oh, sorry, I’ve been crazy busy. No, aliens didn’t abduct me, just been really busy. Talk soon."
Or something along those lines.
Something, anything, right?
But the bigger point is that you wouldn’t have been left waiting - hanging is more like it – if he was truly on your page and looking for the same thing as you. That’s what I want you to take away from this, Laura.
It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do; this isn’t about that.
This is about him.
He unmatched you because he decided you weren’t on the same page, or he wasn’t looking for the same thing as what he realized you were – and he clearly wasn’t.
Yes, even after all those long, late-night conversations.
You can check out my new audio program “Why Men Pull Away”, if you want to really understand what went on here. Most of us free ourselves by coming to a greater understanding of that “Why”.
But to reach out again to try to get it straight from him? You could, because after all, you’re right you have nothing else to lose – except maybe a little part of yourself or your dignity if that’s what it would feel like to you. But on the other hand, I’m all about finding out what we need to find out to move forward, from whatever source, we need to, even him.
Even if that means doing things we’d never thought we’d do if it helps us to get our own answers and move forward. After all, there aren’t too many worse things that continuing to beat ourselves up and lament what we woulda, coulda, shoulda done.
So do what you need to do for you, balancing what feels worse, what feels better, and always what you’re worth.
In the end, the only thing that matters is that you do what you can live with. With someone who is truly right for you, there are no “if only’s”; there are only two people on the same page, wanting the same thing with each other AND willing to do whatever that takes to make It happen. Don’t believe anything else!
Hope this helps, Laura. There’s someone else out there for you who won’t ever leave you second-guessing yourself – or him!
Love,
Jane
It is so very easy to talk about how bad a man doing ghosting must be and not to take it personally and move on. Four men have ghosted me in the past. I didn't even get to the date stage. It seems that, at the moment, I am being ghosted again (fifth time). I don't know why this keeps happening and what I am doing wrong. I am approaching my mid-20s and never been in a relationship, had a date or even a kiss. This is not a normal situation to be in for someone of my age. Most of the time I feel as if I didn't exist. I feel like giving up on finding someone. It is not true that there is someone out there for everyone.
Don't give up, Klaudia. These men are not all men. They are only the ones who you see now, but there will be others who will actually see you - and keep on seeing you! - like you have never allowed yourself to be seen before.
I doubt it. The likelihood of finding someone lowers drastically with age. I thought that University would be a breakthrough for me in terms of finding someone, but nothing has happened. When ,,ghosting'' (I would rather call it cowardice) happens to you five times in a row something is not right, but I have no idea what it is.
Ohh, I feel for you.
And I know it so feels like it is true, but don't give up!
I didn't date for last 7 years, was so busy helping others, and spent most my free time in my living room, and then...
I met my guy at age 41, we married at age 43, and at age 45 I am still over the moon
and I am so so SO thankful for the guys that did Not work out!
And I didn't settle! In fact, it would have been settling in comparison if I had ended up with any of the guys from my past. I truly thank God that I dodged those bullets! And believe me there were some devastating break-ups and also several pining-overs back then.
I don't know where you are meeting these guys? I think that can make a difference. Also, sad to say, many mid-20 guys may not be ready. They think they are or give it a try, but are not and that is why they ghost....
I also know it doesn't feel this way, but you are so very young!
I NOT saying you have to wait until you are 40, lol, (many of my friends married at 27-30), but wait until you reach your upper 20's and enter your 30's, it becomes such a better time!
Honestly, if I could be any age, it would be 38! And when I was around that age, I still said 36-38.
There is something fantastic that happens to you around ages 26- 38; you become more and more of your wonderful self!!
And that is one reason I also know the guys from before wouldn't have worked out for me.
We are all different , but don't lose hope bc you honestly have some of the best years to come , including when it comes to dating.
And you got the opportunity now to become familiar with the kind of guys you don't want ....
Every guy that ghosts, puts you one step closer to your guy (and fortunately without having to waste much of your time on them first).
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my comment.
You may believe it or not, but I really do know what sort of man I would like to be with. I don't need this extra time to come up with a profile of my ideal match.
I was meeting these guys on dating websites. I have tried many different websites over the years, with very little success. I know there are very mixed opinions regarding online dating, but personally I don't have many routes open to me to find a relationship. This is especially difficult at my age since I don't like pubs, clubs or bars. I don't believe you can meet decent people there. The men in question were in their mid-20s, late-20s, mid-30s and late 30s too. I should also add that it was them who got in contact with me first. Two of them offered to meet face to face and when I accepted their suggestion, the contact has stopped immediately. I got to the point where I respond to someone's message on a dating website even if I am not very interested in him. Someone showing an interest in me makes me excited. That's not the way it should be. At my age, it is really a failure not to secure a single date, let alone a relationship.
I don't know if you have children and want them even, but personally I can't imagine marrying in my 40s and having children then. It is way too late, in my opinion. Time is very important for women. After they pass their child-bearing years, they become less desirable as potential partners. Very soon, there will only be men with children and divorcess left. To be honest, I am not interested in either option.
If it was only in my hands, I would have been in a relationship a while ago. I know that if someone comes along and we both feel suited for each other, things could progress very fast between us.
They're not real until you meet them in person!
Hi, I have had this recently happen to me with a guy I met online. He just up and stopped talking to me 2 weeks ago, but I'm recovering and getting over it slowly, but it still bothers me some days. We met in person on New Year's Eve so I know he's real lol. Anyways, literally the day before he started ignoring me he called me and we had a conversation over the phone, made plans to meet up again and hang out. Then the next day he called me and our conversation ended abruptly. So I waited patiently for him to call me back and he never did. So I sent a text about 2 hours later asking "wyd?" No response. So I sent another text about 3 hours later hoping to get a response back the next day, it basically said "hey our conversation ended a bit abruptly today, call or text me and let me know you're ok. Good night " next day, nothing. So I called him in the middle of the day, he didn't answer. So late that night I sent him another text. It basically said "hey so I'm pretty worried about you, I cannot help but to think something has happened, please call or text me when you possibly can so I know you're alright." Next day, still nothing. So I installed this app he told me about and sent him a message through there, to my surprise, about 30 minutes later, he responded with "?" I was completely confused because it was so weird. Then I responded back with "you haven't been texting me, what's up? Have you been getting my texts? I even called you. " he read it, but no response. So this is when I realized he was ignoring me. I understand he probably lost interest, which is cool, no big deal, but even when he called me I told him to be honest with me and just tell me the truth. He said "do you think I'd still be calling if I had lost interest?" Which makes sense because why would he?? Lol. But then 2 days after this conversation, you just ignore my texts? Wtf... So I sent him another text about 4 days later basically apologizing to him for blowing up his phone with texts like being worried about him and I thought he was dead lol, because I felt like I was doing too much and overreacting. I even said in the message that I want some closure and let's just end things on good terms with each other. Still got no response from him. So 3 days later I sent a final text to him, it overall said "I just want you to be honest with me, I told you to never go silent on me, just tell me straight up the truth. I know you lost interest, and that's no big deal, it happens, it's life. But just say something to me, I want closure, to end things on good terms." Still no response. I just am left so confused. I want to hear something from him! He seemed like such a nice guy, guess he wasn't. But why call me if you're going to ignore me the next day and so on? So I recently got a new phone and new number, so if he does maybe "come around " I'll never know lol. And me getting a new number had nothing to do with this situation lol. Also we knew each other for about 6 weeks before he just cut communication. We talked regularly, talking and texting. We only met in person 2 times though because he claims he was busy a lot, he would even call me while he was busy at work, so I don't understand this sudden change from him. Maybe an opinion about this? I know this is long too, sorry 🙂
He's not interested and he's not a man you want in your life at all. Just cut all lines of communication and with time, you'll forget about him.
My boyfriend of over two years ghosted me a few months ago.
We had plans for the upcoming weekend, and the last time I heard from him he wrote me a "Hey you" two days prior to our plans, and I never heard from him again. I did reach out asking if we were still on for the weekend and he didn't respond. I was worried that something had happened to him, but he is alive and well as I witnessed through social media. That stung, because it was now obvious that he is purposley avoiding me. We were a couple for 2.5 years, if he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore the least he could of done was have a conversation officially ending it.
I decided that I was not going to contact him any longer, I would wait for him to contact me. That lasted one month before I broke my rule and wrote him one more message. He never even read it, it sat unread on facebook messenger.
So after 3 weeks of receiving no response to my final message, I deleted him on social media altogether. I needed to do so, or else I was going to continue to focus on him...and I needed to focus on me.
What he did was one of the most cruel things ever done to me. I trusted that he loved me, but his actions prove otherwise. I am in limbo...I cant seem to move on because I can't figure out why it happened in the first place. I can't stop thinking about him. I just want to know why.
That's just ridiculous. No person should do that to another person, especially since you two were in a relationship for so long smh. His actions prove he is a coward and doesn't have the decency to tell you anything. I am currently dealing with being ghosted by a guy, but we were only dating, not in a relationship and we only knew each other for like 6 weeks. But what your boyfriend has done to you is cruel and says a lot about his character and the type of man he is. Easier said than done, but you have to forget about him and move on. Only time will heal the wounds.
Hi Jane,
I hope you could help me. I am in a big throble.
Two days ago I found that my boy friend went to an anniversary of a cafe( I saw a photo on instagram page of that cafe), he didn't tell me about. I found out a girl who was in that photo added to his instagram followers, I asked him and he answered that he was alone there.
I couldn't believe so I texted to his close friend. His friend invited me to have lunch together and tried to persuade me for a relationship with him.
My boy friend found out about texting and he is really mad at me.
I want to tell him the truth about going out with his friend. He might find out someday and it would be really awful situation.
Does it make sense?
How can I confess to my mistake?
Please guide me .
There's nothing for you to confess, Parisa; there's only the truth of why you reached out to his friend in the first place. To find out the truth about him because obviously you didn't trust your own boyfriend's answer. It sounds like he's turning this around on you so he doesn't have to be honest with you himself. That's the real issue; trust. You have nothing if you can't trust him.
Im sorry for the loss and also the confusion you feel.
Nothing you did or didnt do affected the outcome. It angers me he is emotional abusing you-ignoring you is emotional abuse. He had a responsibility to tell you where he was at or why things changed, instead he would rather make you feel like you caused his disappearance.
Make no mistake about it-he knows he upset you, and that he owes you an explanation, and that his silence is making you question yourself.
You deserve better! Please dont let him or any man do this to you. Be a stronger healthier person.
--- in my first comment I meant there are guys out there looking for a relationship. Sorry for the typo. And from what I hear they are going to the same thing that we are with girls scamming them again… good luck to you
Ive been on a few dating sites in the last few years. I've learned that most of these guys are not real. If you don't meet them right away you can assume that they are on there with intentions other than what you are looking for or they are not a real person. Remember there are lots of scammers out there. Don't hold text or email conversations forever. Good clues are they are in the military and out of town they work a lot they have broken English or they want to contact by email But no phone calls. Anything that doesn't seem right just delete them. If they are looking for a date a real date they will ask you out. Don't let them drag out things giving out all the details of your life through messaging. It's a good lesson it's not anything that you did he just wasn't a real person or he was a real person looking for a penpal because he wasn't really available. Don't give up on dating sites, there aren't guys looking for a girl to have a relationship with you just have to weed out a lot of fake ones first. Good luck to you I know it's frustrating. Just don't hang on to a penpal relationship insist on meeting. Oh and don't be fooled by old pictures LOL good luck
HI Laura,
Oh how familiar your letter sounds. I have been online dating for about three years. I
have met several men with whom I have had "relationships" with. I have been played, been cheated on and been told by men everything that is wrong with me . I have been ghosted and lied to. You name it, it has happened to me. All the while , I tried to figure out why I was not good enough for these guys whom I ALLOWED to treat me like this... Dating sites are like a big candy store for many men. If they are still online while you are dating them, They are still looking, I don't care what they tell you. I learned this the hard way. I have also learned to NEVER stop living your life and making plans with your friends, family or whomever is there for you and actually wants your company. Being busy is putting yourself first. Sure, you may have to turn down a date with a guy you really like, but if he really likes you, he will ask again! Jane's emails and articles have helped me NOT text a guy AT ALL if he disappears. Trust me..They have all come back after a week or two, but now "I" have decided by my newly found confidence what 'I" want or not want from them, not trying to see what I can do 'FOR" them. I am a great catch, and I know it. If a guy ghosts on me , then he is obviously not interested and I won't waste my time anymore. I beat myself up way too much over guys who were just not worth it. I could tell you many stories , however, we'd be here forever. Now, I am much happier than I have been in months and I am deleting accounts on dating sites. It's funny how all of a sudden, I am getting approached by men out and about for the first time in ages. I am not checking my phone all the time and actually leave it in my car now when out with friends and family. NO ONE is more important than the people who choose ME first ! Just a side note, the father of my best friend had three daughters and just passed away recently> He was a great man, father and husband to his wife. He used to say this to all of us girls when we were going through heartache or break over guys. "There are close to eight billion people on this planet, there is someone out there who will be right for you! Wait for it ! " No guy is worth texting or chasing if he has blown you off! If indeed he really is bust, then you will hear from him. If he disappears, let him! I know it hurts, but you will get over it when you change your mindset. You are wasting time thinking about him when he is obviously not thinking about you!! Believe it! I hope this helps 🙂 Carlen
Beautifully said, Carlen. Thank you for your sharing your story and these inspiring words with Laura. This man knew the truth! And I'm not at all surprised that you're "all of a sudden getting approached by men out and about for the first time in ages". It's never a coincidence when a shift in our mindset creates a new reality. oh, this is only the beginning. 🙂
I've had this happen many times. It seems to me that no one really cares about anyone else in this world anymore; people are seen as merely disposable. I decided to stop trying to date or think about men in this way. "Romantic" (which they rarely were) relationships have only brought me great misery in this lifetime; I have only known being used and/or abused (usually both). Desiring relationship with another human only makes you weak and vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Since I am not comfortable with casual physical encounters I decided to spend my lifetime on things that bring me joy instead of misery. I mean seriously, these dudes are such assholes and losers, they are not worth a second of your or my time. It seems so difficult too, all these games. I tried to change into a completely different person to be able to try to navigate all this ridiculous bullshit of game playing. And then I decided, who needs it? If my karma or personality or beliefs or whatever causes people to use me and never care about me at all, then why not just be happy being alone and not being abused? I try not to take it personally, after all, think of history and the incredible cruelty humans are capable of.
My heart goes out to you, Jennifer. I'm so sorry you've been through what you have. Know that I'm here for you when you're ready to take another chance on you.
I empathize with your hardship.
Your words inspired me.
When you talk about loving yourself and that if your karma or path isnt permitting a loving relationship ar this time then its not worth changing to play the game. People tell me all the time-to play the game better-read more about strategies for responding and behaving with me and Im tired of it too. Just doesnt feel worth it to change so much of myself for people who as you say-see us as disposable. It really helps me to know Im not alone in my feelings and approach. Thank you for sharing and Inspiring.
On another note it also makes me sad how no one fixes the tv anymore or sows the shirt-everything is tossed away and so too are friendships and lovers because we are trained to think its too much work and not worth the effort-plenty of TVs and shirts out there...when there can be real value in holding on to what you have and building connections and relations with things and people. I share this because the state of our mindsets makes me sad and scared. If you ever go to places like Guatemala you see people who may not have tv or water but they never give up on the people in their lives...they love totally completely and value others. What happened to us???
Thank you for sharing your recent relationship with a guy you chatted to on Tinder and their subsequent ghostly disappearance. This seems to be a phenonomum which is on the increase because of the ease of meeting people on dating sites on the Internet and someone new is just a click away. This has lead to men and women not showing each other the respect and courtesy we all deserve. I am also currently on the receiving end of a ghosting. I met someone a year or so ago and for whatever reason really clicked with this person but I always had a underlieing feeling that something wasn't quite as it should be and when I would use whatsapp they had been sending messages late into the night and early hours of the morning. I tried to tell myself that I was jumping the gun and not to jump to conclusions but it did worry me that this was happening. We seen each other for three months or so till I could feel a change no texts in the day and not hearing from them for a few days. I questioned that they hadn't made much of an effort and they said if that's the way you feel not much I can do about it. I think that they probably had met someone else and hoped I would get fed up and go away. I didn't hear from him for a year although I felt he was keeping an eye on me through Facebook he kept popping up as people I might know. All that time I hoped he might contact me - eventually it got too much for me and I sent him a message asking how he was and he chatted away and asked to see me again. We met and he told me he had missed me - all the things I wanted to hear. We met a few times and he asked me to go on holiday. I was over the moon thinking all was going well. Then I get a text from him and I asked him to ring me as I don't like text chatting prefer to talk. He tells me how they can't chat they are going into the shower. Odd I think but dismiss it - then we meet and he seems fine. Don't hear from him for a few days then he texts to say when can we meet I said I would meet him the following Saturday. Saturday comes get a text saying he is sick and can't make meeting. Sunday morning he texts and I ask him to ring he says he feels to ill will talk in the evening. The evening comes he texts and I said to give me a call and he says he is washing his clothes. I tell him that I feel he doesn't want to talk with me and an hour later he rings and when I tell him something doesnt feel right he gets grumpy and says I am not doing this now and I will talk to you tomorrow. The following day he rang chatted as though all was fine said he was checking out the holiday places I said it would be good to go away and we could go away for his 50th birthday which was coming up soon and he said he would like that. Then he ghosted despite me sending messages and calling a few times asking what was happening and to let me know either way because I had bought stuff for the holiday. Nothing he never came back to me or sent a text saying it was over. I was really upset that this happened and realise I was ghosted the first time just didn't want to accept it. I now realise that all the closure I need to know is that they were disrepectful immature and in the long run probably not a reliable person to be having a relationship with. I probably have been long winded but let that be your closure they would most likely have not been a good sincere boyfriend. The insecurity and problems are there's to deal with - just be glad you found out early in the day and not after many months or even years of poor treatment from them.
Thank you for sharing your story, Catherine. It's never too long - our stories are rarely ever neat and short. Be so glad you're free! And run, run as fast as you can if you ever hear the words "if that's the way you feel not much I can do about it". This type of response tells you everything you ever need to know!
I love Jane's responses too! 🙂 I wouldn't have gone on a vacation with this guy without actually meeting him in person, definitely not for like 6 months- a year. Also unfair why he'd string her along, especially when he told Laura that he'd have more time to spend with her, then disappears right after. Lame. But it's a good thing really.
2 of my coworkers, in their early 30s, met their husbands online. One on match.com, is now expecting a child, and the other on plenty of fish and have been together for years. So, I don't really know what to say...sometimes it works I guess.
Thanks, Elisia; you're sweet. 🙂 There's so many factors that affect whether or not online dating "works" for someone, not the least of which is how they feel about it in the first place. My advice on this is always to do what you can live with, try what resonates with you, and remember to step out of your comfort zone every once in a while to see what might fit you better that you might have thought. What that looks like is always up to you!
Sad to say but maybe he is just in there for the ego boost. At least Laura knows where he stands and can fully move on since her involvement with him is not too deep. Maybe the guy just wants to keep his options open. Or he could already be involved with someone and is just exploring Tinder.
He is obviously not looking for anything serious and if Laura is looking for a real relationship, it's best that she forgets this guy and moves on.
Exactly, C. Thank you for adding to the conversation. Actions always reveal what's there - and what's not, regardless of what we might want the truth to be!
My two cents....dating sites are just a form of entertainment...I do not believe men on websites....if they LIE to your face they will LIE to you on these dating sites.
Always appreciate hearing your "two cents", RealDavis. 🙂
Greetings
Peace and blessings Jane. But sorry for the morning breath Im about to release.
This is how it goes for me. Online dating is cowardly, dangerous,lazy and unnatural. Before the internet, we had to go out physically and search for a mate via school, work or church. You had to connect with folks. Feel their energy.
Now folks hide behind a computer screen thinking they will find genuine connection, real attraction and love? Instead you get Instant CHEAP ATTENTION. Ego tripped left over attention. Im not bitter just saying!!
How can we be our authentic dating self thru online dating?
Jane, do you have a post on how to stop being whinny about finding fake online love?
1love
No worries, Sharri, I always expect a lively conversation around the subject of online dating. 🙂
Oh Laura
Sounds like you got caught up in a classic fantasy relationship with a guy you never even met. You have no idea if he is who he says he is. He could have been married or even a woman or anything. I recommend you read The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider and their newest book which covers online dating and texting, Not Your Mother's Rules. I am a feminist and some of the rules made me scratch my head, but I've had great success doing The Rules and reading Jane's blog posts too of course. Follow it and it'll save you from situations like this and from getting too emotionally invested too quickly. Good luck!
My thoughts in a slightly different way. I think this isn't about the guy on Tinder at all. Not even a bit. What Laura needs to be looking at is her and her motivations. Rules help understand certain dynamics, and help somehow, but it's not even about that. For me, it's motivation. Why is she looking for a boyfriend? And not the cheesy answers. The real, core ones. That's the meaty part. Why is she second guessing herself in the first place over a man she never even met?
I think when we're clear about where we are, why and what we want and act in alignment with all of it, the rest follows, even if she doesn't follow any rules. We get results based on our motivation and choices. This is what Laura needs to look at closely, and even more so if this happens to her often.
Great questions, Angel. Thank you for adding your spin to the conversation!
Thank you for sharing, Sallysue. So glad these are helping you. There's so many different ways to the same place; what matters most is that you find the way that's right for you!
I read the Rules too and really should throw them in the bin. I had no success with or without them.
Hi Loving Laura,
Be so so happy that you dodged that bullet! Not a wonderful person to do that to you, who clearly deserves much more out of life. Obviously, he has issues that he needs to address and most likely will not. They never change!
be your best,
Pat
Thank you, Pat. She did indeed!
He gave up because when he realized she couldn t make it to go; he then knew she would never have the time so why waste his time. For some reason men would not give reasons when we want the reasons and that sucks.
Was engaged once. Was told by this guy that he has never seen a prettier girl. He left and i didn t hear from him for 20 yrs. He then said i was too young and that he had started a family with someone else and that he had a 17 yrs old daughter.
I hope that brought you closure, Shakuntala. Whatever the reason, if he's not there - physically as well as emotionally, there is nothing more. You have nothing to build on, nothing to work with, and no one worth looking back on. It's only personal if we allow it to be.
So the Lady is wondering if she was wrong texting the same guy twice in a row after not getting a response to her usual "Good morning" text. Perhapse...but it looks to me that this mistake was minor compared to other mistakes that she made.
1. Her mindset. Not every guy on Tinder will work out. In fact perhapse only one out of ten men on Tinder have potential. She should expect it and not streess herself out if one loser disappears. And she should be watchful and vigilant when it comes to clues on whether the guy is a real keeper or just a big talker/texter.
2. Speaking of clues, she wrote about daily texts, long phone calls, and the guy's invitation to go on vacation with him. How about dates? Did he ask her on any normal actual dates? If he just keeps talking/ texting and not asking out he is perfectly deleatable. A smart lady would not spend hours on the phone with a hopeless guy who is "too busy" to ask her out or continue responding to his stupid daily "Good morning" texts if he did not ask her out for more then a week. Life is too short to spend it on a phone/text with a guy who is not even going to ask you out. Besides, he might be sending those "Good morning" daily texts to 10 girls every single day, so to get me convinced that I am the special one, I would need to see some action. I would be like; "Come on! Let's save us some time. We cut our phone calls to 5 minutes a day, but it gives us just enough time to arrange an actual date!" If he is too busy to find time for a date that is the biggest clue that he is not a keeper and you should be focusing on somebody else, someone who will actually find time to ask you out, and not just text/ talk. I know he asked her to go on vacation with him, but come on! A week vacation with a guy you just met is not a serious offer. It is not the way to start things, it is not safe for the woman. Any normal woman would say no and he knew it.
3. She only knew the guy for about a month and she was already expecting exclusivity. This is too soon. Do not give up other opportunities too fast for a guy you bearly know. And do not rush to put all your hopes and expectations in him. Give it a bit more time to get to know him.
If she had done those 3 things right, the disappearance of this man would not be a shock to her, but rather a natural thing that is supposed to happen. And it would probably not bug her at all, since she most likely would be dating a guy with much better potential.
As for the follow up text she has sent about aliens...well I think the text itself was not a mistake, but sending it to the wrong man was. And then again...sending one stupid text to a wrong man is not nearly as big a mistake as spending too much time on the phone with him or putting too many hopes and expectations in him. So if one stupid text made it finally clear to her that he has no potential and she needs to move on, then sending it was actually the right thing to do.
"So if one stupid text made it finally clear to her that he has no potential and she needs to move on, then sending it was actually the right thing to do." Exactly, Nina! Except I would add that this is why NOTHING is ever "stupid" or a "mistake" because these are the ways we learn, we grow, we come to see what we could never otherwise see. Nothing is ever wasted, no matter how much we may beat ourselves up believing everything would be different if only we hadn't done what we did. There's always a reason. But we have the hardest time seeing this part.
Hi Laura, Jane is so right, (I love your e-mails Jane! Thank you for all your great advice!) if this guy disappeared on you for no good reason and without an explanation, then he is NOT a great guy. He may have seemed that way, but he very quickly gave you a chance to see how rude he can be too, which is to your advantage. You never know why some men react the way they do. I once went out on a date with a man (in his 40s) who said that during a Milonga (tango dancing event) he spotted a girl he liked, but when he asked her to dance he didnt like her anymore because "she stood up too quickly"... as if that necessarily meant that she would be willing to do everything he asked "too quickly"... that was his conclusion... it was so silly to me. So anyway, don't be disappointed, this guy did you a favor!
Aw, thank you, Laura. 🙂 Love your example here. It illustrates such a great point: This is what goes on all the time behind what we're so quick to call a "rejection". This! She stood up too quickly! or She didn't stand up quickly enough! or whatever else she did or didn't do that that he didn't like. It's the same with each of us. We all have preferences, dislikes, likes, deal-breakers, etc. and it's never EVER personal. But we make it all about us and why there must be somehow something wrong with us instead of looking at it the only way we ever should; because he simply wasn't on the same page as us. No more! This guy - and all the ones he reminds so many of us of, did each of us a huge favor.
Don't contact him. He probably is entertaining someone else. These ghosters string a host of women along and give them just enough to keep them waiting with baited breath until it is u turn at another go around with u. He probably will contact u again like nothing happened and repeat again. Red flag up?
Oh, you're so right, Sherry. They so often do!
Reading stories like this...It's actually a shame society is built the way it is with men doing the initial picking and choosing or 'pursuing' ..the ones to ask YOU on a date...! I mean really how ridiculous still is this world in 2015 that it is so one sided...Hopefully in another 20 years it will be totally natural to be 'equal' where it sincerely doesn't matter who asks who...I guess girls can just do a 'disappear too' ...but it's so childish...One of the greatest causes of the problem in this story can often be...that a guy already has his heart set on a girl who's not committing or he isn't ready yet to commit and wants to still play the field, or make someone else feel he has pulled away, so she will commit...it happens ALL the time where unknowing people are USED to help cement or move forward or actually help cement back together another relationship. You are basically just used as a pawn without knowing...That is a BIG one ...where people need to truly make sure they are 100% healed from the past, so they attract a man who is also. Not giving your heart or body too early, so you really know what you are getting into.
And this is why remembering that you are always the one doing the choosing makes all the difference in the world, Sally. When you can feel your own power because it's your choice, and you allow yourself to be so beautifully powerful in your own beautiful, feminine essence that is so uniquely you - as you have every right to be - everyone else feels it, too. That's all the power you'll ever need, but we forget that ours matters every bit as much as his.
Hi Jane
I think this is just becoming the norm for a lot of guys on dating sites especially sites like Tinder. The men chat you up ask for more photos and then disappear. Its just a bit of fun for a ego boost for a lot of men to see if they can win a girl over. When men keep asking for more photos I don't send any. You don't have to even meet up for men to disappear. Something new bright and shiny took their attention away from you thats all. Happened to me quite a few times when online. Just take it with a grain of salt. Woman generally take it all to seriously wanting instant relationship , getting their hopes up time and time again,being naive. Seriously woman need to screen men first and work out if he is genuine or not. Being to busy,not answering your text messages etc he has already moved on to the next gullible girl.
If he is genuine then he will make a date and turn up and if he likes you ask you out on another date. Its that simple. Once he is not answering your texts then say next and move on.
So true, Gabriella. It's all too often about the assumptions we make without taking a closer look at the reality that is actually right there in front of us if we're willing and open to seeing it.
Ghosting has been happening for eons but social media and technology seems to have increased the talk about it publicly. It also increases the frequency with the ease of it. Bottom line, in my opinion, its not the behavior of a person with decency and consideration. It is also a sign or symptom of a lack of maturity and honesty. Not a good candidate for a healthy long-term relationship built in solid trust.
Exactly, Jackie. If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. Trust is only built over time.