"I don't have the same feelings for you as I used to".
The dreaded words. The blank look. The shock that what we're hearing could be real. Nothing more to be said, nothing changed by talking and talking and talking about it, until our own words betray the truth.
He's gone.
The aftermath is telling.
Why? That's all we want to know. We blame ourselves, we blame him, we blame the timing, the people, the circumstances we never can control.
But most of all, we feel alone. So alone. The positive side of this eludes us all. What positive side? It doesn't seem possible.
Feel your loss. Grieve what should have been. Cry as many tears as you need to. Punch as many pillows until there's nothing left but you.
And then come with me to a different place where you can leave it all behind.
This isn't about you. This is about him trying to be what you want him to be and realizing he can't. This is about him getting caught up in the dream – your dream – and finding he can't follow through.
Asking him why only makes it hurt more.
He doesn't have a reason. He can't make it all better. He can only say what he knows for sure.
It doesn't feel how it's supposed to feel. And he can't tell you why.
He can't tell you because he doesn't know. He just knows it's "supposed" to be different than he feels right now.
But for you, there's a different why reserved for you. You can only hear it if you're open to hearing it, it's whispered so softly amidst all the other noise you hear. Because you were made for something more than this. There's more to life than this. There's more to love than this.
Let it go, Beautiful. Someone's looking out for you.
You can't do this anymore. You tried. Oh how you tried. To overlook, to look beyond, to try to see it from his point of view. But eventually we come face to face with the truth of who we're truly compatible with and who we're not, and we find ourselves facing the very worst of our fears.
It's in that moment our real lives begin. When we face reality and accept what was only our own fantasy. Oh he tried to go there with us, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried.
It's here, in this place of acceptance, that we find our peace.
After the shock. After the denial. After the anger, the hurt, the loss, comes that place of acceptance that brings us to a different place than we've ever been before. That place of seeing.
Who was he?
Was he the one who held your dreams?
Was he the one who held your hopes?
Was he the one who calmed your fears and gave you a safe place to finally come on home?
Was he all that? Or was that what you made him out to be in your own mind because you took those seemingly all-important qualities he had and overlooked the rest?
We're rarely ever as surprised as we make ourselves out to be. Usually, we knew. Or had a feeling. Or suspected something of this sort might be going on. We can live in denial for a very, very long time until something happens to wake us up.
There's a reason. Really there is.
After the dust clears, after you've cried every last one of those tears, come walk with me out into the sunshine. Feel the warm sunshine on your face reminding you there's still life out there. Yes, still.
There's something more there instead of him. Something so much more than he could have ever been. Something you deserve so much more than what you would have been settling for.
Come climb up this hill with me so we can get above it all. Look way out over where you used to be, where he used to be, where you still feel the longing of what you so wanted it to be.
Dreams don't just die. They refine themselves. They get closer to the real dream you dreamed, but with someone who's not afraid to share that dream with you.
That's why.
For you. Not to you. For you. We need to get out of our own way to let that dream come true.
Please, can you tell me what to do if this happened after 11 years of friendship and I'm 41. Without family, without kids. I feel so lost. Every day hurts so much.... is there any suggestions? Please.
Katrina, you were in a 11 year friendship that you thought would become a marriage?
Start right where you are, Katarina. What do you need most? What does that little girl inside you need most from you? Start there, with the tiniest of baby steps until asking yourself what you need for a change, checking in regularly with you, becomes a new comfortable pattern instead of something so foreign like it's been. You matter. Make a list of all the little acts of self-care you can do every day beginning with today. Take care of you for a change! As for him, he was always going to do what he wanted to do, and now you're seeing the reality of what that means to you. Let it mean a new beginning for you, because there will be something more for you from here. If not him, someone better, someone actually on your page, who wants the same thing as you do, who doesn't leave you feeling lost or give you any reason to. Don't look so far ahead. Start with today with moving one little step in the direction you most need to go in, and the next ones will become clear.
I am so sorry Squirrel. Just sending you a boat load of media hugs. Hang in there!!
"This isn't about you. This is about him trying to be what you want him to be and realizing he can't. This is about him getting caught up in the dream... and finding he can't follow through."
Dear Jane,
Thank you for this remarkable website - and for the remarkable statement above. It has brought me so much peace this evening, finally helping me to understand what 'This isn't about you' might actually mean.
In my case, I had an intensely loving and romantic very long distance (transatlantic) 6 month relationship with a guy I met online who told me, in our long conversations which were full of love and admiration for each other, that I was the love of his life, that we were meant for each other, that he had waited his whole life for me and that now he'd found me, he was never going to let me go. Over and again, I asked him how this relationship was going to become what we both wanted - the two of us living together - and his response was, 'Trust me darling, I will sell up my business, start up in your country because I can do that easily, and we will get married. I can't live without you. Please believe me, this will all be worked out.' So I trusted and believed him.
But then the last time we met was strange: after a beautiful day walking through the city together, in love and occasionally in tears of happiness (I thought, anyway!), he started the next day to criticise me. And then it began - the drip drip drip of devaluation, as he started to disagree with me and criticise my opinions, my lifestyle, even my appearance. In bed, he started to go cold and disinterested, and he became ill with what I now think must have been a psychosomatic illness.
After those few days, we returned to our home cities and he disappeared on me for a few days, later telling me that he was a mess, that he didn't want to let me see how depressed he was about his financial situation and about how much he missed me. For the next few months, we entered a weekly cycle in which he would start to be cold and critical with me, I would confront him and he would tell me that he was surprised because he was still in love with me, as much as he'd ever been - only that he was worried about his business, and was starting to wonder how he was going to achieve what he wanted: to be with me. Once, I told him directly that I wanted to talk about our future, to see whether we could put our heads together and sort out some logistical way forward. He nearly vomited on the spot! Quickly the desire and the passion disappeared from his words to me. He was still messaging me throughout his day, and we still talked every evening, but his expressions of love started to feel forced and sporadic.
As a result, I started to feel upset and ill myself, anxious about what was happening to my lovely guy and the beautiful relationship we'd had. After one particularly cold exchange during which he nevertheless denied that his feelings for me had changed at all, I told him that our communication therefore seemed to be failing and that we should have a week's break. We sent each other messages of love, and then took some time away. I missed him intensely during that week, and couldn't wait to message him when it was over, sending him love. He barely replied and when he did, it was horribly cold. We talked, he told me that he'd realised he couldn't move to my country and with that, that his feelings about me had changed, that he wasn't in love with me anymore, and I took that as the sign that it was over, the end.
I've been in tears every day and most of the night in the weeks since that conversation, desperately trying to fathom what happened to the love we had and trying to handle the blow of what seemed like a horrendous bitter rejection. I haven't been able to do much of my professional work during this time, partly because I couldn't work out how he could go from telling me that I was a beautiful angel in his life, begging me never to leave him, to criticising my appearance (with which there is very little wrong, I might add!!!) I couldn't work out how he could go from saying he wanted to marry me, to saying he didn't love me anymore - all in the space of a few weeks.
Trying to understand it, I started to think badly of him - that he must be a narcissist, a psychopath, a bad person who had misled me and lied to me in order to make me love him, just so that he could hurt me, a person who had actually hated me rather than ever loving me.
That hurt too since I still love him for reasons which keep coming to mind, to do with (as he put it himself) all the many wonderful things we shared and bonded over. It didn't feel right to vilify him, to make him into a monster, when I could still remember why we'd fell in love, why we'd both wept with joy at having found each other.
And so your lines above have helped me finally to understand and find some peace with this. He did what he did, he backed away consciously and/or unconsciously, and then ultimately found a way to back out of it for good, because he realised that he couldn't actually do what he'd promised he would do. He doesn't have the real-world resources to make the enormous changes required to his life for us to be together. And moreover, he doesn't have the emotional resources to cope with all that either. We were therefore only compatible in some ways but not in others. I felt raw and exposed for having been open and vulnerable enough with him to let him come close to me and let myself fall in love with him. But I started to realise that he had been vulnerable too, at the end, in admitting that he couldn't actually follow through with the relationship. I told him that I deserved more, that I deserved proper love from a man with the courage of his convictions, that his love wasn't as strong as mine - and he agreed with it all.
We've had no contact since, and I don't expect we ever will. In some ways now, I feel that might be best since this is the story I've decided to tell myself about why it ended as it did: that it wasn't because he's a psychopath or because he hated me, but because he just couldn't find a way to come through with it. That he'd wanted it but that the costs of pursuing it frightened him so much that he started to push me away from him more and more, to the point where finally it was over. That he knew that (for him) it was impossible financially and emotionally, and that if we'd carried on we'd only have started to hurt each other more and more. That he had to switch the love off for both of us.
None of that may be true but I don't care - that's the story I'm going to tell myself about it now, so that I can finally get some sleep, some peace in my heart and some closure. Thank you again for helping me with your comments, and for this wonderful blog!
Jane, I'm sure you wrote an article on this but can you comment on why a guy won't answer a question like "Did I lose you?" If he just stops contacting you. Why won't they answer such a simple question? Are men really that afraid of answering it and why? Thanks if you respond to this.
Thank you Jane ! You are right about everything ?
Please subscribe
This made a lot of sence putting to much into the relationship. But I know we did care a lot about each other. Just me expressing my love and him too. Is it better to let him go knowing what I know now. Still hurts but working on improving me. To understand the importance of truly loving someone is love,Love first ?
This is such an encouraging, helpful post. It is so easy to get hung up on not feeling chosen by someone, that we forget that he isn't even what we really want. This happened to be recently. I so wanted to be chosen by this guy, and got excited that might be happening, that I overlooked that nagging sense inside that there was something much better out there for me. Someone who would treat me better and be a real companion. Someone with substance, not just cheap, leftover pieces of candy that his attention turned out to be. It is so nice to get in touch with ourselves, realize we have such great value, and that, unfortunately, we have attributed way too much value to a relationship, a value that really wasn't there.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Audrey. We can overlook so much when we "so want to be chosen by this guy". Don't do that for anyone!
Thank you Virgo Ellie you know I'm a Virgo too you understand what we go threw and my feelings.
Oh yes! Over analyzing, picking things apart, stubborn but too caring.. Lol! I'm still analyzing the last guy I thought was interested in me. Giving him some no contact right now to see what happens. I let him go but for some reason I wouldn't be surprised if I heard from him. If not, I wasnt too invested.
You make me laugh been awhile since I did that thank you ?
Glad I made you laugh!!
I'm so glad I found this website thank you all for your support it gets me through the days I feel lost and alone. It's been a month and I read that no contact for 30 days rule in my heart I feel he has moved on I should too. just taken a little more time to heal my broken heart. I have good days and bad but I need to let it all go so when then next person comes along I don't have that pain full past still haunting me. time will tell and I will heal my wounded soul.
Hi Dee not trying to start trouble but do you want him back? Did you check out the Exboyfriend Recovery website that uses the No Contact Rule? I'd give it a shot if you are up for it.
Sorry you are hurting!! Xo!
Hi Dee. Do you feel like it is getting harder or better? For me, it's been a month and 3 weeks since he last contacted me and I left only one (long) phone message on Sept 9 and sent a message through FB one night because he was on when I was (he didn't respond). I haven't called or texted since, I unfriended him on FB and I packed up everything that reminds me of him, put it in a box, and placed it (fittingly) beside the cat's litter box in the basement. 🙂
But! I can't get this guy out of my mind. I wake up thinking about him and go to bed thinking about him - and think about for most minutes in between! It's driving me absolutely crazy!! I did not get closure. He abruptly stopped talking to me.
Should I call him and leave one more message and just spill and say "I just want you to tell me what the hell happened, or just give me a reason why you ended it. I accept that it's over and I don't want to see you - I just want to move on with my life and I need closure!" (he knows this about me). I just can't understand how someone who told me he loved me could be so callous and unfeeling.
Should I call him? Like, what have I got to lose. Are you going to call your guy?
im excited & i totally agree
So glad, Connie!
Thank you so much Jane! This resonated to me and was just the right timing for me to read this.
Thanks to you I recently was able to let go of a man who just weren't given me enough. It was the best decision in my life but I have also been sad and confused since he really felt like he was the One.
After reading your article my I have even stronger feeling he was not and I realise that something even better is out there for me. I can let go of him because it was never meant to be and he taught me what I need to learn from our relationship.
Good luck for all the women out there. Never give up on love and always remember your worth and beauty we all have inside us waiting to blossom for someone who treats us right.
So glad this resonated with you, Annie. All I do is reinforce what you already know to be true within you! 🙂
Thank you Jane for those encouraging words. I try so hard to get past my husbands death and it just really is hard. I know what i want in my life ,but i just make errors,i don't know why when i furst meet a man I have sex with them and I know better,I'm 64 years old,but in a way I'm ok with that,is this so wrong? My husband was such a good man,and men now days,I just know it is different. I don't need a man I want a man in my life,I miss that. I feel I need to think long and hard of what I really want.
Only if you're fooling yourself believing it's not hurting you, Lucinda. We can be oh so good at hiding the truth for ourselves, but deep down, if we really listen to ourselves and what we need, we always know our truth. I know it's hard. But working through it, discovering you again, maybe for the first time in your whole life, is always worth it. Look for someone different from what you're seeing is out there now. Not everyone has changed. Notice the ones who make you laugh, who are kind, who live a life of kindness and gentleness and have done their work to be capable of feeling what they feel. You deserve a real man, not someone out of a fairytale.
Jane
Thank you so much for your reply.
Sometimes when you let your feelings out and share them with others, that's when it becomes a bit easier.
I'm so thankful for having amazing friends and family around me at this hard time.
Sarah
Exactly, Sarah. So glad this helped!
He says we need to work on being friends first ok I get that but then don't call or text cut off completely maybe it's his way if letting me go! i know he's dealing with family problems but if you cared about something or someone you wouldn't just let them walk away! I'm so lost and heart broken ?
He's not you, Dee. He's going to do what works for him. You have to do what works for you.
Thank you for this post, Jane. Every word struck a cord.
Recently, my boyfriend of six months, who is a wonderful and incredible man, broke off our relationship because I was basically not what he was looking for. Throughout the relationship, he treated me with utmost respect and he was truly loving. It was by far my most stable and healthy relationship. But, ultimately he said that he does not feel like he is falling in love with me and that he was anxious about the relationship and differences and that it's better to end it now than later.
In a way, his words were what most people dread to hear from someone they care for and have been transparent with: "I can have what we have with any other nice girl, what we have is just not enough to get us to love," "I just cant remember that we ever connected, " and "It's not fair of me to ask you to be someone else," and "I may regret this breakup, but better that than being unable to give you the love you deserve."
In so many words, he said he cares for me and doesn't love me and he ultimately needs more than what i could offer to the relationship.
We have not contacted each other since that day, and i admire his ability to give me this space. He really is a great guy.
While I appreciated his bluntness, the pain of those words, the self-doubt that they stirred in me in the aftermath, and the wonder of why i could not inspire "love" in such a good guy, have been some of the most difficult thoughts to deal with lately.
I'm getting by well, and learning a lot about myself in the aftermath, but it is a slow, painful, and shaky process.
Thank you for the wisdom you provide in your posts and through your programs. 🙂
So glad this resonated with you, M.I. Don't run from the self-doubt his words have stirred up in you. Go there. Find your own answers to those doubts. I know it can feel scary, uncertain and leave you feeling lost, but it's there that you're going to find your answers, the ones that take away all those doubts and show you a version of yourself unlike anything you've ever known. Slow, painful and shaky is the only way I've ever known this journey to go. But what's on the other side of this just waiting for you can only be described as beautiful! 🙂 So glad these are all helping you. Keep going; there's so much more to come!
It's as if you are talking about me nd my past that m not ready to let go..... Buh I found someone better and best than him.... Someone who open my eyes to so many wonderful things I don't know it exist.... Someone who is ready to impact in me positive things and also want to move me forward. I LOVE YOU JANE. Thanks so much.
You deserve nothing less, Bettybaby. Thank you! 🙂
that was beautiful
Thanks, Angie. Glad you felt it.
Thanks Jane for your emails.
So why did this guy break up with me?
I recently found out the guy that I have fallen for, has also got a girlfriend. I have to say when I found out and confronted him, he denied it.
Because I questioned it the weekend, Monday he decided to say he didn't want to see me again.
I couldn't understand why, so I got in contact with the girl and asked her. Turns out she is and he lied.
I was seeing him for 3 months and she has been with him for 3 years. Whilst on the phone to her, he was in the same room denying everything and saying he doesn't know who I am.
Why am I hurting so much? Because I honestly had a lot of hope in him and the times I was with him, nobody has ever made me feel so special.
It's very raw at the moment and I do feel let down, hurt and disappointed.
I hope in time I can move on.
Sarah.
And you will, Sarah. You'll move on for you! This is always temporary, no matter how permanent a state it may feel when we're going through it. We suffer more because we make it about him, when it's really about us. It's your hopes, your dreams, your plans of what it could have been. Those are such beautiful things! Save them, keep them for you, and for someone who will share them with you. You deserve nothing less!
hi
Thank you for you lovely words at i time i needed them, i was strong last night, when he out of the blue said he was going into town with a mate ,who had asked him to meet for a meal ,he always comes here on a tuesday , i did not mind him going, just not putting it to me first, as we had made plans, his friend has no problems, just thought he would have a night out as his wife was going out with the girls, he did not see why he should ask as he is his own man, and will choose him self ,it got into a back and forth discussion, and when he said, i need to go and see what clothes to put on to look good ,i hung up, he always text goodnight ,and morning he has done nether, we are supposed to be going to a wedding saturday.with all my family away, we have been together 4years and spend all wk ends together, he also says he will have to go to daughthers for christmas dinner again as she still misses mum she is married with two children and that means we still have never had christmas dinner together, what am i doing
So glad this resonated with you, Georgina. We can't change anyone else or make them want to make us a priority, but we can make ourselves a priority and get our own needs met outside of them so that we're not looking to them to fill our whole cup. Acceptance is so freeing here - accept what you need from him, accept what he can and can't give you by his actions more than his words, and then do what you need to do - for you! - to bridge this gap.
I texted my boyfriend and ask if we we're still together.
He didn't respond. . So after two hours.. I said your silence tells me No..
His response. . I just saw your text. ....I just need some time and I'm not seeing anyone. . ( Which I'd ask about in the past.. seeing someone else..)
Why didn't he just say it's over?
Why drag me along?
Hi Penny, I've been there. That's how my ex ended the relationship, He left without saying goodbye. He probably want me to think by myself if it's over for him. I was have same question like you, why he just don't say if it's not work for us. I am not crazy girl who will asking the million explanation about it, but at least "goodbye words" will be enough to end the pain of hanging by someone we love. It something that we need to move on. But you know if don't get it from him, we will get from our self!
I wish you will get the answer and most of it the answer will the best for both of you. Keep strong and wishing all the best!
Why is he the one who decides the fate of your relationship, Penny? Aren't you in this, too? Do what works for you, don't look to him to decide your fate. If you're not happy, do what you need to do to make yourself happy outside of him. If you're asking him these questions, there's something more going on for you. Check in with that. He doesn't have to be the icing and the cake. He can simply be who he is if that's enough for you.
I asked my boyfriend if we we're still together and he said that he needed time and was not seeing anyone. .
Why wouldn't he just say the words.. that it's over?
Because obviously he has it too good with you to want it to be over. Do you want it over?
Thank you again for the article Jane and you know I've been there 3 months ago and moving forward. Everyday doing my very little step to let it go. Sometimes I still crying and miss him so much. Want to talk, want at least one more hug . It's not easy and wonder if I can change something or doing differently and get back together. But as you said is not only my part, he need to show me that he want the relationship too. Same page with me so I don't chase his shadow.
I am now trying with someone else..maybe I am too brave to start again so quickly but yeah even loving someone have a risk to get hurt or make me broke again, its still worth to try.
Take it slow, Uniek. Then you can slowly see who he is and if his words and his actions consistently line up to show you the real him. It's so worth it to try! Change your dating perspective and make it fun! 🙂
Thank you so much for the "dating perspective" article, Jane! It's just exactly what I need to read and know. Oh yes, I almost forget about "make it fun" because sometimes the experience from my previously relationship haunt me inside. So thank you for remind me to having fun again to get to know someone new!
So glad it helped, Uniek. We all need these reminders!
thank you once again Jane. Im in the process of nursing my broken heart and it's just as difficult when you are the one who has to end things because he's not making you happy. I've recently started to accept that it's over but can't wait until I wake up not thinking about this man who caused me so much hurt. But with your help I have faith that one day I will meet someone that respects me and makes me happy. All the best to all the ladies out there that are working through breakups and relationships, and know that you're not alone in what you feel.
oh so true, Kay. Because we never really want to have to end it, even if we were the ones who did. Keep moving forward, Kay, give yourself what he couldn't give you and you'll find yourself face to face with the one who meets you right there!
I was in love with a man I didn't know
how to act or treat him so I did everything backwards I pushed him away. I know now I wasn't ready and I learned a hard lesson. I miss him every day!
Are you still in touch with him?
No he said let's be friends first but it's been almost a month since we talked or seen each! I do want to call him but maybe it's just not meant to be?
I was just reading about the 30 day no contact rule. Don't contact him. If you get the chance read it.
Google exboyfriend recovery
Miss you more, Dee. Find the you you've been missing and you'll find everything else you're looking for, too!
Hi Jane thank you for all your support and inspirational messages on true love I believe there's a soul mate for everyone one of us and I'm sure we'll find our true love it might not be now but I believe it will happen cause everyone deserves to be happy.
I love your Blog keep it up
xoxo
Clara
Thank you, Clara. Oh how there is! And oh how we do!
Thank you so much for this article... it hit home and helped me realise that there is hope... I can't thank you enough for your words, they helped push the dark cloud i felt was over my head and brightened my day
I'm so glad, Sue. I never know who my words reach or how they might resonate, but I thank you for allowing me to be here like this for you. It inspires me more than you know to have my own experiences with all those dark clouds be turned into hope for you. Beautiful! Thank you for stopping by to let me know.
Thank you. What a great perspective that is difficult to grasp after a break-up, but so true.
Thank you, Jodi. I so hear you. It's the most difficult perspectives to grasp that are always the ones that have the greatest ability to change our lives for the better.
I feel every word of your message. I am waking up to the realization that the guy I have been seeing for almost two years is who he says he is. I wanted so badly to make the relationship which I know to be what I wanted it to be. He was very clear about what he could give. I didn't want to hear it because I was crazy about him.
Now he is sick and I am committed to helping him. However, my head and heart know it will not go anywhere more than friendship. For that I am thankful.
Thank you for your emails they are enlightening and make us think.
Oh exactly, Deborah. Waking up is a beautiful - and scary - thing. It's where more than anything else, we come face to face with reality, instead of the fantasy we can spend so much of our lives holding onto. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you.
I feel so lonely... once i loved a girl deeply and truly, she left me and went away... i can't forget her... i am nw living in this world with hope... dat one day ma true love will be identified by anyone.. 🙁
Come back to yourself, Abin. You don't have to forget her, but you can wish her the same love you desire for yourself with the ones who will be truly compatible with each of you. You only want someone who wants to be with you, too.
I felt his parfume when leaving my office today, quite strongly and clearly, I know it well... This has never happened before....and more than six months have passed after we broke up. Flashbacks, sorrow, longing - it felt like he was so close, like he was crossing my path minutes ago!?
I thought I was fine, getting better, but here comes another crisis, triggered by a very strange coincidence - and it's not the only trigger! Am I still secretly hoping for him? Am I still weak?
What a wakening this post was, Jane! I will come to believe that everything is happening for a reason, even this thing today (I may even start to believe in your psychic powers a bit 😉
Still, I have to say that I do not fully get all the reasons you are mentioning. I still feel a lot of sadness because we did not make it. I also realize that it was not OUR dream: we were not looking at the future, making real life plans plans for us, together. We were both running away from it, even I did. And, yes, I knew it, I felt it, just like that parfume today!
Thank you, Jane!
Take whatever parts resonate with you, SB; few of us see everything all at once. This is why it's a journey. No, you're not weak or whatever else you want to call yourself. You're on your own path, not anyone else's. Sit with what you see now, let the rest come in your own time and way. Of course you feel everything - this is what we do so well! 🙂
Ha! Yup...pretty much!
Wow, I have never heard it put this way before, "This is about him trying to be what you want him to be and realizing he can't. This is about him getting caught up in the dream – your dream – and finding he can't follow through."
That is an epiphany! I never thought of him trying to be what I want him to be and realizing he can't! I just met with my ex-boyfriend the other evening and we had a wonderful "closure" talk. He told me it wasn't ANYTHING I did or said. He was not offended or upset. For some reason, he said, his feelings just were less. He doesn't know why. He told me I am amazing and that I am definitely marriage material. He assured me that I will always be one of his closest friends.
This did not hurt me, but brought me peace. We left things very warm, friendly, and caring. I miss him terribly sometimes, but I have peace knowing that we parted in the best way possible with no hurt or offense.
This article put this in such a different perspective. I can definitely see where he felt he didn't measure up to what HE THOUGHT I wanted. He always made comments that he felt he wasn't smart enough for me. So in his mind, I needed someone "more intelligent." These are his insecurities, not mine.
Thank you for putting a "lid" on my thoughts so they don't flutter around in the wind above my head looking for the "why." This helps me finalize my closure.
God Bless!!
Congratulations!! I'm so happy for you!!
🙂 Still hurts...but there is peace. Isn't that funny that we can feel both in the same heart? The ache still has a heart beat, but the peace and thankfulness of closure is a truly beautiful thing.
Yes, I think the pain of knowing it would be a good relationship for you but he couldn't do it aches! But yes closure with his mature way of saying wonderful things to you is beautiful. Next? :).
I'm so glad this gave you so much that you were ready to see and hear and feel, Dana. And what a gift he gave you. It's never you, it's never what we think it is, but to see this for ourselves is the greatest gift we can ever give ourselves. The closure always comes from within!
What I am dealing with is men who don't end it. They become distant but show up again when they feel better. I don't rely on men like this article implies. I'm not looking for a man to be my shoulder to cry on. I want a man that I can enjoy having fun with, who can teach me some things, I can cook for, he is happy with my presence and then we enjoy our single life. You get to an age where planning a relationship isn't justified anymore. Its a waste of time. You just want to have someone around. Maybe in due time it turns into something more but from the start, you know so make the decision and end it or say you want to work at it. It's that simple.
I'm sorry Jane! My post wasn't suppose to reflect on the negative side of these situations. After reading Dana's comment about her releasing discussion with her boyfriend I was very happy to see that your article matched what she just experienced. I just wish I had that type of connection. It is one of the discussions I have with the universe. "Let me find someone who can match my passion and if it doesn't work out that we walk away saying what a great time we had together". Someday...
Thanks for being available to comment here.
Oh if it were only that simple for all of us, Virgo Ellie. I'll be the first to say that real love is never complicated, but when we're in it, it feels anything but simple! If you're encountering "men who don't end it", become clearer on your own boundaries and you will find them coming back less often or not at all because you are being clear that there is no reason for them to come back.
Thanks Jane! It's funny, right now I'm reading an article on boundaries! I met this guy, who I liked, I came on a little strong and then I backed off. He slowly walked away. He did contact me, like he saud, after a couple of weeks of no contact but I just didn't think it was right to give him a hard time. We aren't even in the dating routine. So, I don't give them a hard time. Not unless it turns out that they want more then I'd set my pace. But indirectly this guy is failing at my pace. (Sigh). Red flags are flying. Removed his number from my contact list!
Boundaries is where so much of this work lies, Virgo, especially for those of us who were never shown that we had a right to them. Where does we end? Where does he begin? We look outside of ourselves for some magical "right" answer, but the answers are always found within! So glad this resonated with you. Listen to your own intuition. You always know!
I've gone through this soo many times. Most ended without reason - they just weren't in it anymore. Just didn't feel right to them. A few have come running back, but I had already moved on. I asked myself "why go back to someone who threw me away like trash in the first place, when they couldn't see how amazing I was". That seems to help leave behind the ones who ended the relationship with no real good reason. It's taken awhile, lots of searching, lots of time to figure out what I want - to believe I have found the one. I believe there is someone out there for everyone - we just can't let ourselves be stepped on, taken advantage of, used, have set standards, but not be soo picky that we cant recognize the really good ones.
Happy Tuesday ladies!
Exactly, Portia; I couldn't agree more. Thank you for sharing what's worked for you!
Oh my dear Jane. How I love you so.
This couldn't have been more timely. I found out my ex that I loved so much with all of my heart has moved on to another woman. Not the one he cheated on me with, but another very young innocent looking girl. I don't want him because I knew he could not give me what I wanted but I couldn't understand why. We loved each other so much. But now when I found out he had moved on to a woman half his age and really unattractive too I realized why. People always told me that he had a complex when it came to me which explains why when we were together it felt like he was competing with me. I would let him know if I disagreed with him.
He is expecting a baby with this lady and has moved her into his brand new house and also bought her a car. I looked at her innocent face and all I could feel for her was pity. She has no idea who she is marrying. He found a woman that could worship him and really make him feel like he is the boss. He will cheat on her like he did me. I on the other hand left because I know I can't deal with a cheating man. This poor girl feels she has met the man of her dreams, but has no clue.
I am still very angry at him because of the breakup. I left him for cheating. I thought it was the first time, but he'd been doing it all along. My mother told me that he is with a woman that accepts him for who he is because she doesn't know him. But eventually she will find out.
I had already blocked him from social media and on my phone. But I finally deleted his number from my phone and all of his pictures. It turns out that I really did not know him. I never thought he would settle for someone so innocent. He is very educated and successful so am I. I always thought he would eventually marry someone educated and successful like him and pretty. He has a thing for beautiful women. He did the exact opposite.
But either way, I am working on forgiving him and letting it all go.
Thank you, Princess. I'm so glad the timing of this resonated so much with where you are right now. What he's done and who he's with is in no way a reflection of you or anything to do with you. But it can drive you crazy trying to figure out every detail of how and what and why that only keeps you tied to him. Forgive him for you. Let it all go for you! When you can let him be who he is and do whatever he's going to do that works for him, it doesn't matter why, you're the one who becomes free!
OMGosh.... SO true!!
🙂
Thank you Jane. Been following you for a while! You rock!
aw, thanks Princess. I'm so glad you're here! 🙂
The timing of this message is eerie. He very recently ended our long distance relationship of 1.5 years. Six weeks ago, during our last visit I asked about our future and putting a plan in place. We had always talked of someday being together in the same place (we live 5000 kilometers away). I would be going to him.... leaving a great career and family to be with him and somewhat start again. Our communication was daily - both via text and skype. We enjoyed our times together - always happy always easy. I feel that when I asked for a plan - he understood and knew it was his responsibility to deepen the relationship. He went to sea.......and over the course of six weeks decided that the distance was to great to explore our relationship further. I was hurt. I've removed him from skype and the App we used to communicate and send pictures - it would hurt too much to hear a "ping" and wonder if he had finally come to his senses and missed me. I am beginning to realize that he was overwhelmed with the thought of committing to me. This scared him and we didn't talk about it. Truthfully I was scared too - but willing to trust in love. Maybe it's over for good, maybe he'll come to his senses. Only future knows - but I am every day moving forward - as hard as that is! I deserve a man who isn't afraid to commit.
Bravo!!!
And nothing less, Dazed & Confused! It's never easy to move forward, but staying right where we are is so much worse, and only leaves you missing all that you are now free to see. Don't miss that part! It's never the loss we believe.
i've known this guy for nearly 5 years n i've been his friend since 11 Dec 2010 - now and he's been my FB for nearly 5 years n i didn't see him in 2011 - 2014 and this year he i saw him 3x this year as he remembered me after keeping in touch on FB & he would start the convo back at the time on FB messenger n i saw him at my gardening group every last sunday in the morning. after seeing him a few times i feel he's acting more charming n close to me as he knows my best friends for 2-3 years but they don't know i known him longer n think i just met him
on FB these days he talks about the football n i talk to him n he replies how are u etc & i told him in person how long he's been my FB friend n he said "u are the longest friend i've ever had on FB" i acted like OMG in my head n on FB he called me by my nickname n he's the first friend to call me by my nickname "C" i thought what does this mean when he called me by my nickname n i thought does this mean he wants me, wants to be close to me?
i asked my mum if he was to ask me out can i be with him n she said yes even she yes to me going to his house even though i've known him a long time. he's never deleted me off FB.i really like him n think of this sentence 5 years &........ n my heart says 5 years & a date.
i'm thinking of doing something else with him 1-1 like movies, cafe meet up to see how things turn out apart from gardening. i think he's shy n doesn't have any friends n i would like him to chase me n ask me to be his girlfriend as i would say yes. i feel he ticks everything on my list in what i want in a man but i haven't said much on what i want in my future or any of my past.
idk whether to give him my number if he wants my help n come to me. i've had dreams he would propose to me in being asked out. if i gave him my number i would do my own thing n let him do the texting if he is bored or something.
i feel knowing someone for 5 years of friendship is a long time n think is time me n him dated?
idk what to do after 5 years of knowing him even tho i really like him n can be obsessed with him
Save yourself the heartbreak of initiating something that's only one-sided by letting him show you that he's on the same page as you, Courtney. A guy who's interested in dating you will always make sure you know - or send you some pretty strong subtle hints. You can't be the only one who wants this; let him show you it's him, too!