One of our beautiful readers, who has asked to remain anonymous, is in a new relationship where the sparks were flying. After they were intimate, he has said that he wants to slow things down, and now she doesn't know what to do.
I've chosen to call her "Daisy", because she reminds me of all the beautiful spring flowers blooming right now, finding out just how beautiful – and how worthy – they truly are.
Naturally. In their own time.
Here's her email:
Hello,
I am very confused and don't know what to do.
I met someone and we hit it off right away. We talk on the phone every day, go to dinner when we get the chance (we live far from each other so don't get to go on dates as much as we would like) and have a strong connection.
After about a month he invited me over his home to spend the night. He told me he wants to be with me and that he really likes me.
We ended up sleeping together.
I spent the whole day with him the next day. The next day he called me and told me he is scared. He does not want to dive into a relationship so quick and feels badly that we had sex so soon. He said his last girlfriend broke his heart and he does not want that to happen again.
He wants to establish a stronger friendship with me and get to know me more. He wants to take it slow and not dive into a relationship yet because he wants things to work out between us.
Ever since that, he still calls me everyday and we still text nonstop.
I don't know what to do.
I like this man so much and I want to be with him but I know he has a lot of baggage and is fragile. To me, he is worth waiting for. I have never met someone like him.
Personally, I find him perfect for me.
But I just don't know what to do at this point. Should I write him off? Date other people? I could really use some insight.
Thank you!
- Daisy
My Response:
Dear Daisy,
There's something no one ever tells us about men.
It's that the only time they like to take things slow is after they know they've got us. Or after they've slept with us. Until then, they go as fast as we let them.
As fast as we allow them to.
They come on strong. They say all the right things. They go out of their way to show us just how into us they are. They make us feel so wanted. So attractive. So alive.
Until we do the one thing that comes so naturally to us; we believe them.
We believe they mean exactly what they say. We believe they're telling us the truth. We believe all their actions that back up those words.
It's clear he's into you.
But something happens when you believe him so soon without allowing for more time to prove that he is everything he says he is and he means everything he thinks he does. He doesn't have to prove himself worthy of you!
We make it so easy for him to get to us. We lose ourselves in the moment. We lose ourselves in him. And since he's not so used to winning his conquest so easily, he suddenly has no idea what to do now.
So he takes the only way out he knows.
The scared route.
The fragile route.
The damaged route.
The baggage route.
Because after all, he's learned that most of us who jump in with our hearts before our heads can understand almost anything he's going to tell us that speaks to his fears, his fragileness, his crazy exes, his past baggage, his complicated life.
We make it so easy for him because we subscribe to the belief that we have to be so understanding to be loved.
I know this feels so different, Daisy.
I know he doesn't seem like the kind of man I'm describing here. But the fact that you're describing him as perfect for you, and saying that you've never met anyone quite like him before, and that you know he's worth waiting for – after only a month - are huge warning signs for me.
You can't possibly know someone well enough to make these kind of statements after only one month, Daisy.
I know it feels like you do. I can't even tell you how many times I walked in your shoes.
But the reality, not the fantasy, is that it takes real time to get to know someone well enough to know if he's worthy of all that you are and all that you have to offer.
It takes real time and real life experiences getting to know each other in all kinds of situations before you can possibly know that he's on the same page as you and compatible enough with you in the things that matter most.
This is the honeymoon stage.
If he's backing off after you've spent the night with him and an entire day, this isn't someone who's going to get any better at spending more time with you down the road. He's already revealed his best self to you, and now you've got the real self.
Who he is.
How close he's comfortable with. How much he can give you. And how confused, and scared, and fragile and whatever else he's telling you he is as he slowly backs away from you and the beginnings of everything you felt they were.
But now you know more.
With eyes wide open, you can now see him for who he is – and who he isn't. You don't have to say or do anything more than live your own life, continue to date whoever you choose to, and move on with your own life.
He's going to be himself here – as scared and fragile and everything else he is. Let him be him. And you be you. If he gets there, if he lands on your page, you'll be the first to know.
But don't wait for him. Let him be right where he is.
This isn't your trigger to change him or blame yourself not being enough for him to want you.
This is him showing you who he really is. Scared, fragile, burned from the past, complicated. Like most of us, right? And yet if we're open and willing and motivated to, we all find a way.
If we choose to. If we want to badly enough.
Don't waste your own beautiful time and energy fighting someone else's battle that he hasn't asked you to fight for him. You can't do this for him.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Daisy should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
Hi Jane, I dated my boyfriend for 2 years before we broke up. We didn’t talk for close to a month. Now that we are talking, though our conversation have become more solid and we’ve realized how much we both love and care for each other. But the thing is I still want us to be in a love relationship except he says he wants us to go slow. I’m confused because I know that he still loves me very much because we talk about our day everyday, we’ve even had sex twice since after our breakup. He also said I’ve become his best friend. He tells me how he always looks forward to seeing me. What do I do?
Give exactly as much as he's giving you and not a bit more. Mirror his level of commitment while building a full life outside of him. Best outcomes happen when you do exactly this and nothing more.
HI Jane,
I am 65 yrs old and he is 63 yrs old. He's been divorced twice now. We get along great cus we have a lot in common. But I am so confused. Yes, things went fast for us in June/July of this year. I was very attracted to him. But he made the first move by kissing me. I know he's been burned twice now and he is scared of it happening again. I would not do what his ex wife did. I am not that kind of person. Now he is wanting to start off more slowly, we even shook hands as if we were meeting for the first time. This guy makes me feel so good just by being with him. And I'm not talking about sex. Just the way he looks and his personality. Sex is different with him since he has ED cus of health reasons. But it's fun and I enjoy it. Why is he doing this? Being in our 60s we don't have the time that younger people would have to make a relationship. How can I break down the walls he has put up?
Keep showing him you've got enough of your own life not to need him too much and he may come around if there's no pressure or threat of having to take responsibility for what happens if he can't do it, Linda. Making this kind of guy jealous won't work. It's all about no pressure and making sure he doesn't have to become responsible for you when he doesn't even want to be responsible for himself!
Hi Jane,
It’s a great advise. And I would like to hear your advise from my story if you have the time.
I met this guy thru dating apps, and first of all we don’t live in the same country and with the covid going, we weren’t able to travel anyways. He’s being the sweetest guy and always say the right things, we have exchange a lot of deeper questions on our values, belief, what we want in life, etcs. Which I still believe he is someone looking for something serious.
But well throughout the 5 months of texting / video chat, we are being very sweet to each other, it’s almost felt like a relationship without a label( I didn’t think much about it because we did say we won’t get into relationship until we meet), and towards the end we kept fighting on smallest matter. I felt like we are not listening to each other, my feeling wasn’t being heard. Because every time when we fight, he would say you know we are not in a relationship, he doesn’t think we are that level for him to sacrifice time for me, which I was discouraged and hurt by it. So he suggested that we should slow things down before one of us get hurt, he thinks that things are getting complicated.
So now I told him I needed time and space because talking to him now would be a lot different from how it used to be. ( I’m still hurt and angry by our argument that I wasn’t even able to explain, therefore I need time to cool down) Tho I did mentioned I agreed to slowing things down. I really do like him but I don’t want to come off as easy, what should I do ? Do I talk to him once I cool down ? Because I don’t think he would text me since I asked for space.
It takes real time and real life experiences getting to know each other...
it sure does... but how long is long enough?
I just spent a year in a relationship that shouldn't have lasted that long. I should have seen it sooner... I regret waisting all that time. I'm not getting any younger and waisting a year sure did not help.
This happened to me as well. Told the guy he was a horrid person and to never talk to me again. You don’t have sex with a woman, tell her she’s amazing, then ask to go slow. He’s a scared twit that needs to grow up instead of using women as a bandage.
I agree . I just had some bs like this too. I just mentally gave up on him and just let him do his own thing . There are other men in my phone who are very interested in me .
Hi, I was talking to a guy online for a month. The first couple of weeks we didn't always message every day as he was away with the army in France. Sometimes he wouldn't reply for a couple of days, so I would send a follow up message to which he would reply the same day. When he was back home he was on leave for a week so messaged on the dating app a bit more frequently. Arranged our first date for last week. He picked me up, went mini golf, food, a long walk. He teased a lot and the conversation flowed. He came back to mine and had coffee. We kissed and cuddled. Ended up spending like 10hours together. He text the next day and we spoke throughout the day and evening. Next day he asked me out. We went bowling, he teased me again, commented that there were a few guys giving me the eye. I teased him as I won the second game and he mentioned what else he could beat me at. Said he'd think of something for the next time. Well he came back to mine and we watched a film and had coffee. We did sleep together which felt right, so don't regret that. Cuddled a while then got up and watched a film. He stayed the night. The morning stayed for a coffee then left. He acted a bit awkward in the morning when leaving. But then text me within an hour of leaving. Not much conversation that day as he was going back to base that evening which is only an hour away. Again though, I thought texting after sex was a good sign? I made the mistake of asking if he wanted to do something next time he was home. He replied "yeah we could do something but think I'm working next weekend '. In my needy mindset I replied that I wouldn't be offended if he didn't fancy it. No response to that. I text him the next morning a good morning text. He replied quickly added a smiley face etc. Next couple of messages were hours apart until the evening after work then we had more of a conversation. Next day I initiated again and he replied within 10 mins. In the evening we were texting throughout the evening til 11pm when I went to bed. I responded to his text the next morning. Took a few hours to reply. I then left a couple of hours to respond. Then we sent a few messages in the evening. Some of the messages were just a few mins apart. I went to bed do said goodnight. He replied 30mins later. That was 3 days ago. I've not initiated contact and he hasn't either. The last two days he has been on a training activitivoty so he is sleeping out etc. Over the 3 days I initiated texts, I double texted on 3 occasions. Nothing major, just goodnight messages and an advert for IT chapter 2. I'm confused why he's not been in contact. He messaged after sex so thought it was a good sign and he's replied to my messages.
I met a man on Instagram we met just a few days ago we made love, I liked it but I didn't see much interest in me. How to talk to each other, we met for 2 days and after he left I was thinking about the beautiful moments we spent together, I talk to him that if I already arrive at his house he tells me that he's driven I ask him later then if he likes me or what's this relation?
(he said want us to do the things slowly and don't be so sentiment ) I feel that this man just wanted to use me and has no interest in me I sent him a video of us and (he tells me what application it is) ... does not say how nice we look. 👌. his answer is nice and he is too sharp I would like him to tell me things as they are to not keep him in mind I tell him I miss him I love him he just stays quiet, I have a girl of almost 2 years old and He never says I would like to meet her. When we were hanging was just about making love listen to music eat while listening to music. I don't know what should I do keep looking for him fight for the love... knowing that he wants to take things slow.
Go with your gut instincts here, Mairely. They're right on. This isn't about him wanting to take things slow. He's using you. Beware any guy who says "don't be so sentimental". That's the essence of you! Don't give yourself away so early. He's not looking for you. He's looking for something convenient, for someone without feelings, for someone he can control. There's not fighting for you here, actually in real love, there's no reason for someone to have to fight for you. They simply choose you. There's no loss here. Be so glad he couldn't hide his true self and showed you everything you needed to know!
Hey Daisy, am only 24 and am in a similar situation as you right now. i am in my second year at the university and i met this wonderful guy a month ago and i just love right away. we have been on couple of dates and have been to his place so many time spending the nights together and he has picked me up from school many times as well and prepared me dinner at his house but i remember one day he came to my house i asked him what he think of us(him and i ) and he said he love us a lot and always feel happy when we are together and he wants me to be his girlfriend , i got so excited but one thing that i came to realized was that he only call me on phone when he wants to see me , i started to question myself why !!!??? didn't get that answer until one day i asked him why he is ignoring me and he said he is not he is just so busy with his work because i sent him a text and told him how i feel about him (i think am falling in love with you ) and then he asked me on a date that night of which he repeated that he really liked me , two days later he call me on the phone and said he will come by my house and i said yes and that night he told me that WE SHOULD SLOW THINGS DOWN and i was confused because no body have dated had told me so before so i asked him what he meant by that and he said he feels its too much for him and i told him i will wait for his phone calls since he knows my phone number but at that moment i felt so heartbroken because all i knew was that loving someone is a good deeds one can do instead of hurting ....as i type right now am still broken but coming on this site i feel a little better and now i know what it means when a man said "i wanna slow things down"
thank you Jean so much and i believe you , when men wants something they come so strong and after getting it the wanna slow down, this guy and i we had sex the first night which have never done it in my life but now i regretted it but anyways its a leaning moment for me. i havent heard from him since three days ago.
should i text him or give him his space and just move on???
Here's a secret to any new relationship if you want a steady one for life:
Pretend that your relationship is like a CAKE:
The frosting is the sex part......SOOOOO.... date and get to know each other for the batter. Then only Pre-heat the oven. Then go on more dates-no frosting yet!!
Then put the batter in the oven and LET IT BAKE.
After a long time, it's time for the frosting-that's only if you like the flavor of all of the ingredients. Then, that cake and frosting will be the best ever!
Dear Jane,
Interesting shares and it is nice to know I am not alone. Met mine online last year in April and felt instant connection. We felt as if we had known each other from past life. I am black African, he is old fashioned Welsh farmer. Talked on phone every night and on two occasions when we planned to meet he would disappear and say he is feeling under pressure. Second time I asked him to leave me alone. I continued dating and was seeing someone, Suddenly this farmer returned in September and started talking like friends..January this year after he figured I was single, he asked if we could carry on where we left off. After a serious talk about things, we arranged to meet but went with my cousins and would make it a weekend break if he did not come. We met in March and it was instant connection. Prior to this we had video chatted for a few months earlier.
We spent weekend together no sex and a few weeks later went to see him. We couldn't resist and made love and on last night I slept at his and met his sons, who were not happy.
He came to London, had never been on three occasions and we explored places I taught him a lot. I went to his one more time. Since July 21st he has never come back and he finds excuses if I want to go. He has been going quiet on and off and I have told him that I sense things are not the same.
He told me he loves me doesn't want to lose me and that he is old fashioned and wants us to be courting now in planning for future. He also said we shouldn't put pressure on each other. It's been four days since I have heard from him. He doesn't open my what's app messages..last one three days ago.
What does this mean? Like Jane he is the perfect man for me but it's these on and off silences especially now after his last words of being old fashioned..
Do I let go..I can never date as this has damaged all faith and I do not believe I can ever be connected to anyone like I was/am to him.
Is a man who disappears, who doesn't live where you are, who finds excuses probably because he hides things from you, whose children don't like you, who wants everything his way and doesn't care about your needs and feelings "the perfect man for you"? Please think again. This doesn't sound good at all. You're being played every minute. Instead of asking what his terrible behavior means, much more important and decisive questions are "Why am I even interested in someone like this?" "What am I truly missing in my life?" "What do I really want?" "Is this a pattern?"
The answer to those questions is in you and only you need them.
Try Jane's beautiful, confident, radiant you program. And please take care of yourself and move on from this. Your being, your heart, your feelings, your life are worth too much and not everybody deserves them. Always choose yourself. Hug.
Angel thank you..so eloquently put. Easier said than done.
Yes there are many things he doesn't share i.e. His grown up children do not like me because of my race and that I would not be accepted in his community although his fathers adores me.
Will hold on to your words for strength.
Thanks for hug really needed it.
I'm glad you are rethinking this. I can imagine the race issue. For us non-white women it is an added hurdle to get together with white men. This is something else we need to watch out for. Personally, I wouldn't be with a man who does not fight the racism he has been indoctrinated with, both within himself and with his family. It would be too much for me and I don't need that.
Please take care of yourself. I know it's tough when we don't want to be alone, but we have to come first. We cannot keep falling for crumbs. Meet other men, get clearer on what you want and fill your life with people who truly see you and are there with you. I really recommend Jane's program. It helped me a lot. I'd gladly hug you. Here are more hugs for you. Here on the blog we've got you.
I met this guy and everything was going well yes we had sex on the first to dates he came up every weekend . and we called and texted he eachother everynight. Well lastnight he called me and he said u know i really really want to be with u and i said yes and u know i really really do not want to hurt u but do u think we r going to fast and i said no but if u want to take it down a notch we will and he said k. I dint get no text or call from him the next day what do i do
I'm in the same situation as some of ya'll I was in an relationship for 4 yrs and I got out of it though it was not going no where i'm 29 years old I want to get married and have kids one day...
so on September 2016 I meet an guy online on an dating site I was new on there was not looking for nothing so I have about two guys contact me before him but when he message me it was an connection we talk on there than move to IMO chat than talking on the phone he wanting to meet that month but I told him let wait so we meet face to face in October 2016 I went over his place and have sex with him it was not planned but he was gentle with me because it been a while for me and for him too
it been 6 months now he never asked me to be his girlfriend I just asked him if we together he say yes.... now this month he say he want to take it slow and we do not need to rush or jump into it ... what but he still want me to come over and have sex ... so I asked what we are ? are we friend with benefits? he never responded back to me
I'm getting to old to be playing around
I already told him I want an committee relationship.... if he not ready I already have couple of guys who will love take his place but I just want to be with him
I'm in the same boat as the emailer only it's been 8 months and now he wants to slow it down. At first I was like reals dude we are 50 plus we don't have time to slow anything down and then after a two hour cry I decided I will give him what he wants. So I'm not available for every text, or call. I don't call, or text and when he does text he gets one word, he hates that, but yet gives it to me. This man is everything I've ever wanted in a man and so much more, but I'm just a little to old to be playing the guessing game. He came after me told me I was his girl, makes plans for us always say we then he says one day he wants to slow it down. Says nothing has changed with us just taking it at a slower pace. I'm not worried because I'm gonna do me and I told him that. I wish the emailer all the luck.
We have known each other a year and started dating 2 1/2 weeks ago. Things happened quick but it felt right like I never have before. He asked me to be his girflriend, talked about me meeting his mom, talked about trips than almost overnight he pulled away and in a sense made me feel like it was me when he was the one coming on so heavy. He said he still wants to be with me but slow down! Do I just walk away or try to slow down.
I had the same thing happen to me. He's 57 and I'm 52. He was the one moving so fast. He asked me to be exclusive within a couple days, sent me roses after first date, met his parents, gave me a key to his house, programmed my car to his garage, added me to his house security, added me to his Spotify account, planning our future, discussing marriage all within 3 weeks. Then he says he wants to slow things down but has sex with me one last time then he ghosts me. Why do guys play these games at this age? It's so hurtful. But I'm done, no way I could ever trust him. He just gave up a great catch, his loss. I will be more guarded in the future and its time for me to set boundaries and stick to them.
Thank you. This was the most perfect advice I could have stumbled upon at the moment. I really wish it had been a tad sooner... but oh well.. Thanks
I'm going through the same thing sort of, and everything is so spot on. This is probably the best, most honest and least bias advice I've ever heard. Thank You!
So glad this resonated with you, Margot. Thank you!
Hi Jane,
Im in a mids of confusion and happiness, sounds confusing i know..I met this guy online 2 weeks ago and he is on vacation for 2 weeks here in PH. We talked online and decided to meet, met him on a afternoon and had a nice time together after he message me saying he had a lovely day and thanking me for meeting him. He then next day want to meet again so we met had dinner, talk and drinks and ended up in bed. Next day we both messaging eachother and said that we both carried away last night which i guess is true coz of alcohol and he said he dont want things to go further yet he said he wants us to be good friends first and do fun activities together before going further so i said yeah it happen so fast..So we met again this time i bring a friend coz im scared we will end up in bed again..But then next day he plan a trip for us and we had a nice time together he spent his days with me while he is here..Now he go back to his country we still messaging eachother he sends picture of his place showing me what it looks like..Im happy being with him but he never mention anything about being in a relationship im scared or shy to ask...what should i do? Should i ask him? Should i continue to message him? What im feeling now scares me i miss him and im not sure what he is feeling about me, im scared to ask coz i dont know what the answer will be..
Thanks,
Ana
Now I'm more confused than ever. I started seeing a man in Feb 2015. We were both going thru divorces. He got burned really bad by his ex. He still cares for her and never got closure. For about four months we were carefree and he wanted me with him every chance I got. I met all of his family. Then I found a lump in my reconstructed breast (bilateral mastectomy breast cancer). When I told him he insisted on taking me to my dr. Appt. He said I needed a friend and he wanted to be that friend. I had never had anyone be there for me like he was. He took me to chemo appts. My second chemo appt. I felt him backing away. He said maybe we were spending too much time together. He moved in with me to help take care of me. He had been staying in a motel since his divorce. He stayed with me thru radiation. We went from commitment to no commitment between chemo and radiation at my request. I started feeling like his charity case. He slept on my couch for months. We had sex maybe once a month if that. When I went for my last two radiation treatments he took a woman he had known for a long time out. When I got home from treatment I knew. He moved out. I was broken. He Started seeing her but told me he cared about me and always would. After a few weeks I started moving on with my life. We ran into each other a couple of times. The second time we cried and talked for a bit. He told me he started backing away when he realized it would hurt him if he lost me. He said he needed to deal with some stuff like his ex (why she left after 21 years for no apparent reason) or he would never have a successful relationship with anyone. One day He text me that he Might stop by later if he gets time. I was heading out on a date when he got time. And i told where i was going when he asked. A week went by and I was declared cancer free. He took me out to celebrate. That night we basically revisited our first date only nine months later. He took me home and danced in my living room for the first time. He told me that night he really does love me. We had never used those words before that night. I told him he hurt me. He apologized. I asked if he would let me in this time. He hesitated and replied with a "yes". I asked what I'm to do the next time he starts backing away. He said, "let's take things slow". Before that night he was adamant about not wanting to ever let another woman hurt him the way his ex had. Now he isn't ruling out marriage. But he has gone from texting me several times a day to letting me know I won't hear from him until the next day and making it known I won't see him for several days. So I'm left wondering if he is sincere or just not wanting to accept that I am strong enough to move on. He told me he's not letting me go. And the strange thing is he will text me I love you. Then nothing. I tried initiating with a translation of I love you but he didn't respond. Our initial relationship happened so naturally I didn't see me falling for him. Who stays with someone thru chemo and radiation let's them go then decides they don't want to let go? I don't want to be f-buddy and told him that when we celebrated my victory over cancer. He told me that's not what he wants either. So does let's take things slow mean i should continue to see other people or does it mean hold on to me I'm broken but trying to get where i need to be to be with you? I know if I ask him he will say he isn't looking for anyone else. But he wasn't looking for anyone else when he started seeing his last blast from the past.
After been in a long relationship, I am new to all this dating again, I late 20's he is early 40's he is great and told me from the start he wants to take things slow which is fine with me and said I would have to have a lot of patients because he has his own business and does it all himself with no other employers so he has to do it invoices etc to, we have been talking for 3 months and we have had sex, he phones me everyday since we began talking more than once a day we talk about how are days gone what were having for tea, work etc, he is open with me about his life and past relationships and I am open with him to, I only see him on a sat night for around 3 hours and I see him for a few mins one night a week I give him some tea if have made to much, we sometimes have phone sex but not everyday, he doesn't really talk about feelings unless I have brought it up which I only have once, I asked him if he actually liked me as he had never said and he said isn't it obvious, when he comes round the day I see him we have food talk have sex talk a little more before he goes, nobody knows we are together and we don't go out anywhere yet. We do mention our family s but haven't got there yet, I just want to know what people think of this situation, I do hope I am not been used and I don't want to put all my energy into something that's going to end, he has his own place money etc and I don't care about any of that I liked him for him before I knew any of that, but I don't have any of that and sometimes I feel that I am not worth it I did tell him I don't have anything and he said its about whats in your heart that matters I have one child and he hasn't any nor been married and I would love to truly get to know him better and maybe in the future become something more he works mostly everyday so I do understand he hasn't much time but sometimes I feel that he doesnt really want to see me Anymore than that is that normal for the beginning of dating or not, he always gives me a kiss bye when I do see him and like I said before he phones me to see how my day is going and he sounded like he cares about what goes on in my life, I usually get people but I am truly lost here, I just don't want to put into something and then get hurt, he knows a lot about everything and I don't but that is I assume because of our age difference, we do have a lot of things in common and I do like and care for him. Does he like me or am i been used Please any advice will be truly appreciated thank you
This is what stands out to me, Sarah:
"told me from the start he wants to take things slow",
"said I would have to have a lot of patients because he has his own business and does it all himself with no other employers so he has to do it invoices etc",
"talking for 3 months",
"I only see him on a sat night for around 3 hours and I see him for a few mins one night a week",
"he doesn't really talk about feelings unless I have brought it up",
"nobody knows we are together and we don't go out anywhere yet",
"We do mention our family s but haven't got there yet",
"sometimes I feel that I am not worth it",
"I do understand he hasn't much time but sometimes I feel that he doesnt really want to see me Anymore than that"
Let me tell you what having a boyfriend looks like:
He calls, he takes you out on dates, he is excited about seeing you, he sees you often, in fact, he wants to see you very often, he makes time for you, he tells you he loves you, he communicates his feelings, he talks about the future with you and says "when we go..." as opposed to "if we go...". He shows up consistently for you and you have absolutely no doubt he's your boyfriend because he either refers to you as his girlfriend and/or you have established that. You've met each other's friends and family.
Now compare what I just said with what you wrote. Clearly you don't have a boyfriend and from my own very point of you, I'd say he's taking what you let him take from you and this works for him.
The question I ask you to ask yourself now is: Does this work for you? Is what you have with this guy what you truly want for yourself? Be brutally honest. Forget about what he says, thinks or what he might say or think and focus on you. Remember we have to believe people when they show us who they are. Don't trick yourself into thinking this will change or that you will change him. What you see is what it is.
Another thing you wrote that struck me is: "sometimes I feel that I am not worth it". Why? What is it about you you feel is not worth it? Worth what? It seems to me you're putting him on a pedestal and I'd like you to know that NO ONE is above you. NO ONE should be on a pedestal.
From where I'm sitting, I think I recognize a lack of clarity on your part about who you are and what you want. A lack of self-love and self-esteem which is causing you to look to him to validate you or to give you worth when in fact, that power is only yours, no one else's.
Take time to reflect on this and think of yourself. If you feel you need help to learn to love yourself and make better choices that honor the wonderful woman you are, please get that help. Do it for you and for your beautiful child. That love you're so eager to give is definitely better placed on you and your baby.
You're not alone. All of us here have gone through something similar and we can all understand you. I would say the reason you're here is because you're ready to listen and understand.
If you have doubts, if you cannot define what you have with someone, it's because it's not what you want, deserve and are worthy of.
I hope you can see things clearly and that you decide to honor yourself first before anyone else. Don't be afraid to tell men what it is you're looking for and act on it. Stick by it. They will either walk away or they will rise to your needs and meet them because they are able to and want to.
Anything less than what you truly need shouldn't be accepted.
Hugs.
Hello all, I'm in a similar situation. It's a long story but basically I've been talking and hanging with I've known for years,more than friends since Febraury and been intimate since April.
Last week I asked " what we were" bc It has been eating me up , wondering if it was going to go anywhere or not. I asked if we were just a FWB situation. He said "he didn't know what we were and since we hadn't been together for two weeks intimately(at the time) and that we were friends." I was crushed because I thought he liked me more, I said I appreciated the honesty. He said " I just don't want you thinking I want to be a f-buddy or anything that's why I've back off in hanging out"(we still continued to talk everyday) he asked me "unless FWB is what I was looking for" I said "no, and that I liked him too much and I've told that from our first date".I apparently took what he said wrong, because the next day I sent him a text saying how I was sorry I asked him that question(I know now I shouldn't have apologized because I have every right to know) and that I knew what things already were. I told him how I still wanted to be friends and talk. And if I didn't hear from him, I would understand so on and so forth. Well, he went on to say "I don't understand what happened or what you think I meant. All I meant is I just wanna be friends and see where things go and not just FWB. I was in it to see how things progressed, even though we're both always busy, not for f buddy. I don't really appreciate you making me out to sound like that's all I was looking for"
So he got a little mad, which I wasn't implying that "I knew what this was" I simply meant that I knew we were, just seeing each other. I said I didn't know that's what he meant because I was so upset and confused by his "we're just friends" statement I assumed it was rejection. I went on to say, "I assumed you would start thinking that of me bc I initiated a lot of the intimate moments. He said "that honestly crossed his mind, the way things went down every time" He also stated "he was really,really not into drama" as a response to me saying "I wanted to know what we were and people were pressuring me to ask as well".
I got so confused and worked up in how I was explaining my side because, I knew he was upset at my so called assumption of us just being FWB. I sent 4 long texts in succession because I tend to talk like I text. In those texts, I said I felt like and a-hole because I didn't want him to be mad at me and I didn't want him think that and I just liked being around him, hanging out and showing him I liked him.(which made me sound like I did that with any guy, which I don't) I told him I didn't do it with just anyone and he had to understand that. I told him I wasn't good at any sort of "relationship" stuff. I've never been in one like this before where I really liked and cared for someone. I felt so stupid for saying that. I didn't hear from him until later that night and what he said was "you're not an a-hole but don't worry about it" We continued to text the next day as usual. he invited me over that night to hangout and watch a movie.
Fast forward to today, I feel something has changed. The way we are texting is a lot different. Monday he was having a bad day, I tried to cheer him up and that wasn't really working. Tuesday I gave him his space and didn't text him at all, I thought he could text me when he felt like talking, and I didn't hear from him until yesterday(Wednesday) in the afternoon. We've been texting all throughout the day. I've back off a lot and I kind of feel different about the situation. I still care about him but I'm not going to play games either. If anyone is confused by this I'm sorry lol it's so long and complicated. I need advice. Should I just keep casual about this whole thing or give a time limit on how long I should "see where it goes" I'm so bad at relationships. I never dated in school and being 30 and never had a actual boyfriend other than seeing a few guys, it is a scary thing. I feel like I'm so close but he's scared bc of his last relationship that didn't end well. Everyone keeps saying he's going slow. How am I supposed to know that? Lol So if anyone can decipher this please do. Any advice is welcome! Thank you in advance!
Take it slow yourself, Amber. You're getting to know each other better so there's bound to be things you don't understand about each other and miscommunications along the way. This is all apart of dating and it's how you both handle these "awkward" or miscommunications along the way that will tell you so much about each other.
Don't look for things that aren't there, simply enjoy your time with him, keep the rest of your life very much alive with your own interests and friends and things that make you happy so that he doesn't feel like your whole world, and trust that if you're both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, this will become more and more clear over time, without you needing to dig so deep. The real test of a relationship is how easy it feels, and how naturally it grows - you're never going to feel like the only one doing all the work in a relationship with someone worth having one with!
"Daisy",
1. Look up what sociopaths are then RUN!!!
2. In a different situation to #1 but just like yours, I just ended a three-year relationship with someone like you described. Three years mostly wasted not invested and can never get back after #1.
I should have obeyed the red flags not ignored them or tried to wash into white.
It does not get better and they do not want a Florence Nightingale. The potential vs the reality are not his view. They are yours so please look at your life and his clearly, accept your learning experience for what it is and move on or it will only get worse and you will become disappointed and bitter instead of better.
You deserve more. Let your trust be earned and take more time to get to know someone to avoid regrets and mental/emotional rollercoasters before physical harm comes to you. Take the privilege of your control back and have healthy boundaries. We are all learning here and it is a shame that these people change us but it is ultimately for our own benefit that we do so we make more informed decisions the next time.
It is better to be alone and content than to be with someone and alone.
Listen to Jane. She is bang on with her advice.
God bless.
Thank you for adding this, WJ. We are all learning here!
Great advice Jane!
I haven't experienced nor know anyone that tried to fix something seemingly gone off track and had a man embrace or accept the "fix" in a situation as described by you Daisy or even clearer by Jane. Sometimes no matter how difficult... It seems a better end result no matter what it is if you just step back without rehashing... Or making yourself feel poorly for no reason. Step forward... I believe its more likely the best course for the response you want going to occur if its meant to be. Hes a big boy... He can fix his own issues as he chooses, as do we all and move forward to catch up if he is the one.
So true, Christina. And thank you!
I do not believe you should wait around for him to get it together. Being scared is an excuse if he is so much into you he should make a dive for it ... Daisy shouldn't be the one to make a compromise of waiting around until he finds the time.
Why is it up to him, and at the same time everything remains the same?
I know she feels he is perfect for her, but he is not perfect for her until they both want the same things!
Hmmmm... i really don't know what to say... am in a similar situation. .. i have been dating this guy for almost 3 yrs and everything has been fine. .. i asked him about last year where we heading because we have been together for a while and that we don't have any plans for the future as a couple. .. He told me he didn't know what he wants and that he doesn't want to make promises which he can't keep and waste my time and also his young and trying to figure what he wants.. i was really shock.. i didn't know what to say. .. i asked again about 2 months and go and got the same answer... After his acting like nothing happened and everything is normal... He has always been a loving and a caring guy.... He hasn't done anything for me to doubt him.. so so shock... i really dnt know what to do... told him if I move on he shouldn't be surprise.... now his holding onto me more and now it seems I want to hurt him because he says he still loves me and am his first serious relationship... i don't know if our ages is an issue now cos am older him 3 yrs which issues not a big deal... i really don't know what is wrong
Daisy, you're not alone... We're with you You're strong and beautiful to let the likes of him destroy you. Don't let that happen... I want to share with you my experience.. I met this guy last year and fall for him straight away. He told me he love me and BANG. We slept, (I know him for a month ) .After that he start to push me away by making excuses. I hurt alot but I don't forget myself. I push away thoughts that pull me down and focus on finding myself. Learn to love myself more than him and don't things with him that I want and not want he want.. It helps alot. Thanks Jane, you helped me finding me.
So glad you're finding you, Kerita! And thank you for your words for Daisy. None of us are ever alone.
Jane, once again you make things so clear when we are wading in confusion. Your reply is spot on. Daisy, please read it over and over again until it makes sense to you. I wish I had come across this site a year ago, I could have saved myself so much heartache.
I know all too well the confusion you are likely feeling, Daisy. Your situation sounds eerily similar to what I went through last year. Putting myself and my life on hold for someone who said I was amazing, that he was not used to dating someone as wonderful as me...but that he was confused and needed time to work through things from his past. I asked him numerous times if he wanted to continue dating, because I made it clear I was looking for a relationship, not a casual dating situation. He always said he was looking for that too, and that he wanted to continue seeing each other....but always with his claim of being confused. I took him at his word and tried to be the uber-understanding girlfriend who wouldn't put any demands on him. I mistakenly thought that would make him not want to lose me. Instead, he repeatedly asked for space, didn't want to be responsible for another person (his words), didn't want to have to put in time to "maintain" the relationship. He always had a sob story about how he was so messed up from his past and his previous relationships, as if his baggage was unique...
As you said, Jane, we ALL have baggage. That's called life. But it doesn't have to stop you from trying to build a life together with someone.
I finally had to say to him that we either continue but with both of us having both our feet in this relationship, or we had to let each other go. You can guess which path he chose. But like these types of men often do, he wanted to be friends. After a few months of insanity and seeing how it was preventing me from moving on, I had to go "no contact". And each day is getting easier.
Thank you Jane. These posts are like therapy for me. I truly felt I learned many painful but important lessons. One of the biggest being that if I feel insecure in a relationship, it's not because I'm needy - it's because I am not being treated with the care, love and respect that I and every person deserves.
Exactly, Sue! I'm so glad you're seeing this for what it is, and not for the story we're so used to telling ourselves it is. Thank you for sharing your own story here - and for putting this all down in words in your own beautiful, inspiring way. 🙂
I don't want to comment on this one as I found myself in a similar situation. I let him go, several times and did my own thing but he keeps coming back into my life. I met a tarot card reader over 25 years ago that told me things. Things I didn't believe until every single one of them has happened to me...except marrying the man I'm suppose to be with. Based on her description, this is the man, without a doubt!
But he has to want it too, Julie. You can't be the only one who knows he's supposed to be with you!
Yes, I completely agree.
I am in this exact situation now. He asked ME to be his girlfriend and a week later let's slow thing down and just eliminate the sex part and hang out.
This literally just happened to me and I don't know what to do. I haven't been in a relationship in four years and now I met a guy and he wants to slow down a week after asking me to be his girlfriend.
Hi Jane,
I think that the response you gave to Daisy is right on point. I too am in a similar situation with a gentlemen I like very much. Although I have known him for three years, we have only been out on about 6 dates over that time. The last time we were together I spent time with his family and stayed over with him as well. The next week I heard similar words from him regarding time and space. I cried at first thinking of how I had been intimate with him, hopeing this would bring us closer but it clearly did not and I was heart broken. It took a minute but I then decided that I would do just as you suggested to do Daisy.." keep it moving". In other words, I will continue to date in hopes of finding the type of relationship I really want but this time I will be a little more careful. I know that this gentlelmen will continue to call me from time to time for dates, etc. but I will only go if I want to go and not in hopes of winning him over. I have decided to preserve that energy for someone who shows just as much interest in me and wants the real deal.
And that's exactly how you take your power back, Crystal. You do what you want to do, you go with your eyes wide open and only if you want to go "and not in hopes of winning him over." Yes, exactly!
I get it, Daisy. I do. Consider this: you don't have to do anything. The only thing you have to do is think of yourself, your life and what works for you. This is not it. He's not in it. Time to move on and think of how it's better now than later.
We don't know a man well enough after a month. You don't know if he's perfect in that short amount of time. You fell for your projections. It's your own creation what you don't want to lose. It's not him. Let him go and move on to other things that truly make you happy. Don't wait around for a man to change his mind. If he were the one, he'd be right there with you.
It's no one's fault. It's just life. Always remember that time is the best test.
The shoes spoken of are a one-size fits all, and the souls they support are numerous, yet they never wear out because they are constantly replinished with the understanding and live of the other that walked in them also.
I've been there and believe you should listen to him and give him space while you move in your own direction, as Jane says. Don't know that the timeframe matters; my trip down this path came with someone I've known for more than 30 years. I could feel for months that things weren't right because they weren't, but my heart, mind and soul were all in once body chemistry took over.
What Jane says is true - he did all he could to win me over, then after it got physical he pulled away while I was falling further.
I've given it time, prayed and talked to friends. I'm generally ok now, but it took therapy and time. Still have sad days about it all and haven't completely given up hope, but for now it's not a priority.
I wish you the best, but strongly support Jane's stance that he's telling you who he is; leave him be for now, but without showing how much it hurts - that's a mistake I made. I said awful things that made us both feel worse. I treated him the way I resented being treated, and no one benefitted.
Thank you for sharing your story - and your insight here, Liz. We fall further while he pulls away - oh so true.
Don't take it personally Daisy. There are two types of men when it comes to dating, can-do and can't-do guys. Can-do guys are the ones that pursue us, take us out, tell us all about how special we are, etc. The can't do guys are the ones that don't pursue, have lots of excuses as to why they can't fit you into their life and you have to do all the work if you want to see them. The hard part of this is A LOT of guys are like this guy: they start out as can-do guys and then morph into can't-do guys several weeks or months into things! It's like they are sprinters but don't have what it takes to go the distance. It's especially common for them to become can't do guys after you have sex with them. Don't waste your precious time chasing him or taking it as a judgement of your worth. Hold out for the can-do guy who stays a can-do guy! Be thankful he showed his true colors after just one month. Good luck!
Love your take on this, Sallysue. Thank you for adding your perspective to the conversation!
Many guys are like this. All my ex's were so close and then distance kinda took over. I mean, it was a big deal for me at the time. But now im dating an amazing boy and i love him a lot!
Advice you provided to Daisy is truth. All of the comments including the ones from the gentlemen (Alex and Isaac) have brought to the surface if not for Daisy, for me - a daughter, Mother, Grandmother ... who is now at this stage of her life, an "ex" twice over - one, a very short marriage many years ago -and- one, a very long marriage over 34 years that just 2 1/2 years ended. I am STILL learning and appreciating the wise counsel from you, Jane and the comments and wise counsel from the many individuals (male and female) that are extremely uplifting, encouraging and at the same time, truth and reality.
Just to share my own comments and observations:
Behind every one you encounter in this world there is a FACE (whether seen or unseen) with gifts and flaws, a past (a "story") filled with good and bad, triumphs and defeats, positives and negatives. Regardless of gender, who like you and me, needs, wants, desires, searches for LOVE. Complete acceptance not only by family and friends BUT the mental, emotional, spiritual, physical intimacy of THEIR very own, unique, special, no one else's, one and only - ONE!
There is no "perfect" relationship because there is no "perfect" individual.
You see:
There IS a "right" relationship with the "right" individual at the "right" time.
There is a "role" for everyone you/I meet. Some will test you/me, some will use you/me, some will love you/me and some will teach you/me. The ones that are truly important to ME are the ones that bring out the best in ME. They ARE the rare, amazing people who remind ME .. WHY it's all worth it!
Finally, just a short few words to share with you.... a written gift to me from my Mother so many, many years ago. What JOY to find these words hidden away on the inside cover of "My Diary".... when cleaning out my house...my home of 22 years... 22 years so full of things, memories, realities and truth ... "letting go" of what "was".
"True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. Bad friends are like pebbles found everywhere."
To ALL - Jane and YOU - Thank you for taking the time to read this.
ALL is GOOD !! Keep going !!
Zmistsc
Thank you for your words here, Zmistsc, and for sharing your own observations. So glad this is all resonating with you and you're seeing so much more clearly now! 🙂
DAISY!!! DO NOT TAKE OWNERSHIP OF HIS BAGGAGE!! After you take your feeling and emotions out of the equation you will realize that he is a COWARD. He know all of these when he first met you, the fragile, damaged, baggage, complicated did not start after you was intimate with you. I was waiting, hoping, wishing, praying and making excuses for 3 years and what happen, he left me for another woman (his son's girlfriend's mother) now they are getting married. Live and enjoy your life to the fullest and let Mr. fragile, damaged, baggage, complicated deal with his issues. Laugh and make memories with someone that is on the same page with you!!
Beautifully said, RealDavis. Thank you!
This story is so familiar - except this happened to me after one and a half years!! He was so loving and pursued me ardently. I have never dated someone like him. He told me he "adored" me. When I began to believe he was the real deal after more than one year and began to reciprocate my feelings for him, something began to change. When I questioned what our future MIGHT hold - he bailed and I was crushed. That was over one year ago I have dated a few men but nothing serious. The guy described above still communicates with me occasionally and has told me he will always love me but he doesn't know what he wants. I am not waiting around for him but I feel stung. I feel like I have no emotional energy to put into men any more. If this man, who poured so much into me , did a 180 after eighteen months, I'm not sure I have it in me to keep trying with other men-who, at this stage of life (50's) seem disinterested in committed relationships. So maybe I need to just accept my singleness and not think about men!!
Keep your eyes open for a different kind of man to come across your path, RJ. Not all men are like this one - and the ones you've encountered. Our biggest red flags should be about the men who come on so strong and profess their feelings in the very beginning, instead of allowing them to grow. Slowing things down, ensuring both of your own feet are planted firmly on the ground, allows you to see who he is and what he can truly offer you - slowly, over real time.
You hit the nail on the head sister!
Daisy needs to take your advice Jane, just as I do- Im in a similar situation except we were together for a year. However Daisy is IN LOVE with this bloke. That's why I've got the feeling Daisy can't hear your good advice. Any tips on how to get through to her, and me, please?
Make a list of what you want in a relationship, and then another list of what he offers you. When you compare the two lists, you'll have in front of you a clear picture of the disconnect between the two. If you're willing to accept this in return for having him in your life, then you've just changed yourself. If you're not, then you have your answer. Write down another list of the reality of the relationship - and him - every time you're tempted to focus only on the fantasy of what you see it could be if only he were different. The more you do this, Daisy too, the more you're training your mind to go to what's real before you go to the potential that only you can see. Reality gets even more real the longer you're with someone. Potential only exists in you.
Jane thank you very much for replying. I breathed a sigh of relief when you said "the more you do this..the more you're training your mind" because Ive tried writing a list before, but it didnt change my feelings, it is a process of change I have to go though to see how very little he is offering me. I appreciate your insight xx
Exactly, Daisy too. A process. It takes time - and practice! - to change a long-held mindset. One step at a time, that's how any real change happens.
Dear Daisy believe in yourself that you can do all things through Christ,you have ability within yourself change things around you,learn to hold something that are not yours let it go.so many men that dont respect women because want did to him you show thin true love for allowing yourself sleeping with him.please don't wait for him.want I see about all things this man is not honest to himself.
And being with someone who's confused himself only leads to more confusion for the other person involved.
I really feel that a guy may just need a little time to think, maybe he just wants to make sure YOUR worthy of him, and still wants to see u and hangout but no i love you right away! That's my input
just back off dia
It's in that space we always find out what's there - and what isn't.
Very true Jane. I gave my ex space and it's in that time that I knew how he really felt about me. he tried to keep in touch as "friends". Never gave me the full commitment and relationship he knew I wanted so I just went no contact, because I deserved better than the crumbs he was throwing at me. It's been almost 18 months since and it's been liberating. I learnt so much from that relationship. It started like daisys and I held on. We would break up and get back together. It went on for 5 yrs. I finally took control of my life and I am glad I did.
It felt liberating indeed to break free from ur fantasies which only happens when u open ur eyes by the truth that screams in front of you. One thing I've learned from Jane is, "When someone really wants to be with you, you two would be on the same page. No more of that lame excuse kind of game that only keeps you hanging. We empowered women are better than that.
That's such an important reality for all of us to learn, Shaymar. So glad you're seeing this for yourself!
Feeling that freedom is worth everything, Princess. Be so proud of yourself for getting there!
Hope things are well with you dear..
I believe such things happen to us a lot which is so hurtful sometimes
Been in your shoes too, all i could say is that don't wait around although i know that it's hard for us sometimes when it comes to feelings
Don't take all his words personally and don't ever think anything is wrong with you sweetheart.
As what Jane always says, both parties needs to be on the same page, something that I truly believe 🙂
So true, Alex. It's the only way.
so what happened? did u end up with the guy or no?
Wow! I've been there! I've been divorced for two years and dated only 3 men - each of them such a learning experience. Someone needs taken care of in this relationship and that person is Daisy! If you look at things from a different perspective (let's say a business relationship) would you want to go into a partnership with this person? Only if you want to do all the work and have to share the reward with an undeserving partner.
Beautifully said, Christina. Thank you.
Hi Jane,
I think Daisy should move on or give this guy lots of space until he has matured. I believe a man that is truly into a woman does not have those wishy washy fears about his heart being broken. He would persist in knowing her and if she reciprocates then that relationship could take off. A man that backs off after he has been intimate with a woman is not relationship worthy. I wonder what other areas in life he has no courage.
Exactly, Carol Kaye. That's what being motivated is all about. There's no question.
Same story woman after woman. He wants to take it slow? Let him... But.. You get on with your life. Don't make yourself available to him when he texts you/call. You don't want to take it slow? You want a relationship. That is what YOU want. Forget what he wants. The relationship is not meeting your needs so cut your "losses" and move on. I wish I knew about this website before I wasted 5 yrs of my precious life with a man who behaved this exact way. Waiting. Hoping. Thinking we will get on the same page but it only got worse and I got hurt even more and my self esteem went to bits. Girl! Take control and let this one go. He has told you how he feels. Please believe him for your sake. Good luck girl.
Wise words, Princess. Thank you.
Difficult as it may be,I think Daisy should just move on and forget about this guy. She is being used as an option and I think she is worth more than that and deserves better.So she should remove herself from the equation. Men are like that,once they sample the cookie,stories and excuses begin.
So much more! Thank you, Matinetsa.
This was the most perfect article I could've stumbled upon. wow.
But when they keep coming back and texting all day and tell you they love spending time with you...I think that deserves a fair shake.
Its common for men to retreat after intimacy due to the increase in oxytocin. They want to bring up their reserves of testosterone. That said, its never OK to go hot and cold on son
True. so she needs to do the same and go about her business
Exactly, Jackie. Thank you.