One of our beautiful readers, Beatrice, finds herself in the all-too-common scenario of starting off in a relationship that's nothing but wonderful, only to have him slowly change, and not for the better. She's wondering if it's something she did.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I am an exceptionally sensitive, confused soul right now. And my heart is breaking without any "real" proof that it needs to break, if that makes sense.
Here's my story:
I'm 23, and a very inexperienced dater.
I am about to graduate college, and with that knowledge, I fully intended to go into my future as a single person! I had finally accepted it happily and was excited about my plans.
And then, all of the sudden, 2 months ago, I found myself in a relationship with a guy who was (is?) WONDERFUL.
In every relationship or fling I had had before him, I would be soooo anxious and distraught the entire time.
And the reason I knew my boyfriend was right for me was because I never had any of that anxiety!!! Not before we were official and not for about the first month.
Now we are at two months in and something has changed.... I cannot put my finger on it. I have thought and thought and thought. I have talked to him about the relationship and things that bother me. But I don't know if I'm seeing him go back to the way he was:
Initially, he was so sweet, so attentive, so affectionate, complimenting me, clearly SO into me. And then... maybe he's gotten more comfortable around me? OR maybe it's my fault: maybe I'm too critical and he's just responding to me, but now he is condescending sometimes.
He is also extremely sarcastic and often, it isn't personal (it's just his brand of humor), but sometimes I'm just like- "why would anyone ever even say that?!" and it hurts my feelings.
I've told him this.
I know that I can get awkward and weird when something he does bothers me (I wear my heart on my sleeve BIG TIME), and I never want to be clingy. I try to give him his space while also wanting to be a good girlfriend. I have apologized when I've been in the wrong.
But I'm just wondering what have I done that's made him turn into this sometimes condescending guy who is basically nothing like the boyfriend I was first with?!
It's breaking my heart.
Is it possible I could have been so wrong about someone when my BODY felt it was right for the first time ever in the form of no anxiety initially?! And I'm especially worried about it because in two weeks time, we have to go to our separate homes over the summer and won't have a chance to see each other in person for several months.
I anticipate that this will be very difficult and I don't know what to do or, ultimately, if it's worth it.
Is this a "rough patch" of getting to know one another?
I'm not ready to call it quits. Because we've had sooo many good moments too! And he's truly wonderful in so many ways (or was.......) It's just that, what will be the point of the agony sure to come this summer, if ultimately, this won't work out.........
But I guess we never know if it'll work out or if it's worth it until we try.
I hope you respond to my letter, Jane! I'm so sad and confused.
And I think you're the best Love Advice Lady on the internet, by the way!!
Also, I'm considering your phone or email coaching packages.
Thank you SO MUCH for what you do,
Beatrice
My Response:
Thank you for your kind words, Beatrice. I’m so glad you found you way here and reached out to me. I’m honored.
I can understand your confusion. And yet, what happened, more than anything else, is that it got real.
Your relationship got real.
His part in that got real.
As we get to know someone, who we really are naturally comes through more and more. We all have our quirks, our own brand of idiosyncrasies, and all those things that make us uniquely who we are.
So you wear your heart on your sleeve – a beautiful thing by the way. And he has some sarcasm to him. There will always be things about each other that are different and some that are the same; some that complement each other, and others that drive us crazy about the other.
What you are learning here is more of who he is. And he’s learning more about who you are.
There’s nothing wrong with either one of you, there’s only whether the two of you are compatible enough to be in a relationship with each other.
Who he is now, is who he is.
Who he’s getting to know, is who you are as well. The question is, can you both live with who each other is as you’re getting to know each other better.
I’m going to be real clear here, Beatrice, because we can fool ourselves into believing so many things that rob us of our happiness, our self-esteem, our already shaky confidence in the process – and that type of havoc deserves clarity.
The only way a relationship ever works is if both people in the relationship want it to.
A relationship works because it has nothing less than two people on the same page, looking for the same type of relationship, and both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Without that, you have nothing.
Your statement here is so telling – and so very true: “But I guess we never know if it’ll work out or if it’s worth it until we try”.
Exactly!
“We” is the point of all of this. You can’t be the only one in a relationship meant for two. You can’t be the only one willing to do all the work to see if it’s worth it.
What makes it worth it?
What makes him worth it?
Only you know what you’re looking for and if he’s enough of what that is to make him worth it to you.
I can’t tell you how many times I've heard such a similar story from a beautiful, sensitive, intuitive woman who all of a sudden senses a change at the 2-4 month milestone point of a relationship.
It changes because it becomes it – and you – are becoming more real to him.
It changes because he discovers he can’t always be on his best behavior anymore.
It changes because this is the real him.
It changes because this is the real you.
Your body knew as much as it could know when you didn't feel any anxiety being with him, but as you come to know him better, trust your body to keep you posted. It always makes a louder noise when we don’t listen to anything else.
You’re reaching another milestone here, Beatrice. With distance.
You’re going to find out more about whether the two of you have enough of what it takes to make it through being in different places for several months. If you both want this to work, if you’re both willing to bridge that distance with enough of a relationship in that time, you’ll both make that happen.
If one of you doesn't, it can’t.
Give him some space and see what he does with it. Does he come closer to fill in that space? Or does he let that space be? That’s always telling.
So is direct communication with you letting him know what you’re looking for, if you’re comfortable doing that. Either way, don’t let your world revolve around him. Keep it revolving around you. That’s the best way I know to see this through to find out what’s really there, and what’s not.
Time will always tell, and you spending that time in the living of your own beautiful life – aside from him – is the most productive way to fill every moment of that time.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other thoughts, advice, or words of encouragement for our beautiful friend Beatrice? We'd all love to hear them. Share them with us in the comments!
I noticed that many man do change in a relationship after a couple of months 2 or 3. They love to seduce a woman and make her fall in love it's very flattering their ego. But once the relationship is not seducing any more it is establish they change. I think some man are more interested in chasing and getting the woman but not the real relationship. They come to us with an hidden agenda but we don't know this. Is it because they are selfish or not mature enough to work for a good relationship? Are they just interested in the part that they love. Keep in mind that at first we don't know each other then as we get to know each other the bad qualities starts to come out and some lose interest there. And keep looking for perfection.
The reason why men do or don't do things is really not important.
We cannot control what others do. We can only control ourselves. The test of time is always the most infalible test there is to know if a relationship will blossom.
Best policy is live your life for you and you only. Let him prove himself over time and just sit back and watch. Be loving, be you, be receptive, but check in with yourself more than you do with others.
It can be so many things, Sonia, but what it tells you more than anything else is whether you're on the same page or not. That's what matters most.
I'm not an expert in relationships. In fact, I'm quite inexperienced. What I can see from this letter is that the honeymoon is over and now it's time for reality. This is bound to happen sooner or later. What we need to do is see the man for who he is in the present moment. Everyone is amazing at the beginning, but we all know no one is perfect. What you can do here is see things for what they are now, regardless of how many beautiful memories you share and made. Look at the man he is showing you he is. Is this man compatible with you? Do you share the same values and goals? Is there respect and nurturing? Is there willingness to be there for each other and mutual love? Can you handle his sarcasm long term? Can you see yourself happy with him in the long run seeing the reality of what is? Be honest with yourself. Don't try to fit yourself or him into anything. Just answer to yourself. If the answer is no, if you are not happy, if you discuss this with him like two mature young adults and nothing changes, you have your answer and off you go part ways in search of what truly serves you, the woman you are and want to become. It will hurt, but what you are mourning is the expectation and dreams you projected onto him. You're still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Make the most of it by choosing always reality and a reality that makes you happy and calm.
Wise advice, Angel. Thank you.
Coming to this post a looong time after it was posted!
I just wanted to thank you for the phrase: "Make the most of it by choosing always a reality that makes you happy and calm."
The situation in the original question - down to circumstance, even! - was exactly the same for me. I found and find it hard now 4 months after I left from a 4 month relationship (he changed after 2!!!) to rationalise and validate my reasons to myself. I feel I should have precise and exact moments, issues and major arguments, evidence he was emotionally abusive etc etc to warrant me leaving him when on paper, he was exactly who I had been searching for. And relationships involve disagreement, and work, do they not?
But being with him compromised my peace of mind extensively. I was worried I was becoming depressed again... and now I've left? I'm sad, yes. But I'm not worried about my mental health. I'm calmer. Less stressed, less anxious.
Should this be reason enough to leave, that they don't make you happy and calm, even if it's not an immediately tangible reason why? I think you're right. Yes.
Thank you.
Dear beatrice,
I faced the same situation. 3 weeks back when my fiancé started acting differently. we could.never had an intellectual tial discussion because he would convert discussion into an argument which he wanted to win at all costs. But I still tried my best to keep the relationship working until he disrespecially my grandmother and my family because he thogut we we were not spending enuf for our wedding and that was time I got an inner strenngth that get me a danger signal. And in that one moment I told him I don't wanna go ahead with the wedding g. The wedding is off. Even though that it the most scariest thing to do because all my dreams with him , the life we planned together , we told our relatives and family everything was going to fall apart but then I remeberded that my grandmother who spent 60 good years with grandfather and he passed away 10 years back .. her life should have came to end after he left her ..but it didn't . Instead she became an independent person Who inspires me to pursue all my dreams and goals. Thats when I knew what I did was right.
beatrice ppl say first impression is last impression but it not true always. Every girl or guy who fall in love into ally are sweet towards each other and try to do things for their happiness but its not going to stay forever like this.. what you need to see is how a guy handles you in your bad mood and bad times, if he stands for you when in need. That's what is true relationship .
that's how any relationship works. Even in case of friends we only have those ppl as our best friends who have been there for us in our bad times and never judged for who we are. Same is the case in lOve. Love is not gifting roses on valentine's day love is to understand your heart when you words say something different. Hence my advice to you would be analyse your relation from a wiser post of view don't think about the good times and how much he did for you. Because that Wil make you decision biased. But think wisely and evaluate the pros and cons of your relationship. And trust me on one thing even you love anyone a lot. Please never ever compromise on your self respect and your core principles. Because he might not be in your life or may be there in future but what stays with you is your self respect.. don't let anyone hurt that. Trust me we all have an inner strength in us which is much stronger that any person or situation and when the right time will come it will give you the correct answers.
Takes a lot of strength to do what you did. I wish I had had the guts to call off my wedding it would have saved me 7 yrs of turmoil and a divorce. People say at least you have your children. Yes but I chose a bad father for them because I was afraid. Kudos. Beatrice go with what your body tells you. This is who he really is. He has one your heart so now he doesn't have to do anything anymore. Leave now before your self esteem becomes a thing you use to have. Best of luck girl
So many of us hear you, Princess. Too many of us. And yet, we all do the best we can with what we know at the time, whatever that may be.
You've inspired us all with you story, Karri. Thank you so much for sharing. It is exactly the same case in love!
Beatrice,
I have had a very similar experience. Your story touched me because mine is similar. AFTER 3 months my new bf, that I was sooo comfortable with and adored, he simply changed! And with the sarcasm you describe and all of the other irritating things that were not him before. I was confused and crushed. I will make this brief dear Beatrice, I stayed over 7 years trying to get the man back that I knew was in there and used to be my dream man.
I had a dream that made my situation clear to me:
We were both in a canoe going through troubled waters and then came up to the mouth of a cave. The height of the cave was very small and I had a thickang heavy pack on my back and I was bending low to get my enormous backpack to fit. In the dream I turned around to see what he was doing to help me. I was covered with rain and gear, he appeared to be in a sunny spot with a tank top on in the back of the boat. He was laughing at me. ENOUGH SAID! Jane is correct, spend your time on what is/was important to you before you met him. I catered to the relationship and found myself alone while living with grief. My story is quite condensed and the rest of the details are unimportant for this very important part of your desicion-making. Stay true to you and know you are lovely with or without him.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Suzie. How telling your dream was! And it shows just how powerfully a part of us always knows the truth about what is - and what isn't. I have found this to be true so many times myself when I was finally open to seeing the reality of what was instead of the fantasy I always hoped it would be.
Beatrice,
This sounds like so many of us the first time we fell in love. Reread what Jane has said. It takes two people to make it work. You are fortunate to have this connection to millions of women who have gone before you and are learning these truths after the fact. You are beautiful. You shine. Give that beautiful person you are to someone who can see that and respects you.
Beautifully said, Debbie. Thank you.