Our gorgeous friend, who has called herself "Mayan Goddess", is wondering how to break free of a guy that she can never seem to say no to.
Here's her story:
He says it's complicated with his on-and-off-again girlfriend... He said, I don't want to break your heart.
How do I know when to say, "no" when all I think about is being with him?
My story short version: It was three years ago when I first laid eyes on him. He started working where I was filling in for a coworker for a month. It was weird. We couldn't keep our eyes off each other. I would catch him staring at me.
When we looked at each other it was like we were gazing at the stars (at least from everyone else's opinion.) I was married at the time. He had a girlfriend. Although, we chatted every now and then, we were respectful to one another.
It took three weeks before I mentioned I was married and before he mentioned his "girlfriend."
We were in the elevator alone one time and I just was so nervous, I was red and felt like I couldn't breathe. He, too, was red staring at me and having small talk. It was only 20 seconds or so but felt like it was an eternity.....
I filled in every now and then for my coworker for three more months.... He finally was transferred (or moving up the ladder) and went on to his next assignment. We never did anything nor ever said anything for that matter, but we just knew.
That was the last time I seen him. 2012/February... I had said to myself, "Wow, Lord. How lucky is his girlfriend? What I would give to experience being with such a highly-respected/kind/thoughtful guy??? She's super lucky!"
In those two-and-a-half years,I thought about him often. Wondered if we would cross paths again. I knew sooner or later we would. It was inevitable because of where we worked. (Legal system.)
I had been in a abusive marriage for a very long time. My marriage finally ended.
I had been separated from my husband for eight months and finally my husband filed for divorce. I was devastated. I cried for a week, but then whah-lah! It was like magic. I was okay with it. I had accepted it and was ready to move on...whatever that meant.
A week later, I had been in trial and was coming up the stairs from my office. As I was walking up the stairs, I hear voices and I recognized one (and thought no way).
It was like slow motion....it was him!!
We looked at each other and I almost fainted. He turned bright red and held the door for me. Excited we were. He was nervous cause he kept asking me the same question "So how ya been?" Lol. He was there getting something signed.
So I walked in my courtroom and kinda just said okay see ya.... I walked away thinking wow, I'll probably never see him again. About a minute later the door opens and it's him asking me to come here. Uhhhh, I was about to s*** in my pants.
We talked in the hallway, body language was like magnets. We were totally into each other. Our eyes gazed. It was just obvious. Staff had to come get me twice and practically drag me back in...so he asked for my number.
That part was important because the rest won't make sense.
From that moment on he's been like magic. We texted 'till 6:00 a.m. he couldn't talk cause he was doing OT so we texted. Every day, every night 'till 2:00 a.m. He got off at midnight. I started work at 8:00 a.m. He would come work overtime in my building, like a lot. He showed interest. Finally he convinced me to sneak out one night and talk to him....
He told me he didn't wanna break my heart or that I should have expectations.
This was after I asked him if he had a girlfriend. Weird huh? So he was in an on/off relationship. I then backed off and told him I'm not comfortable w/that, but that I wasn't looking for a hero.....Ya right!
He kissed me. Picked me up. Held me. Caressed me.
And when I finally invited him in, it was just pure passionate affection. The way he held me was like heaven. No sex. But just kissing and holding each other. Massaged me. Kissed me on my forehead. Awwwwww.
He would stay with me till 5:00 in the morning.
I was in love?? He pretty much swept me off my feet. Still no sex.
So for a month we texted and saw each other until he made me mad. I ignored him and went out of town. Didn't respond to his nonstop text of "are you mad at me?" "Can I take you to lunch?" The sad faces.... Ugh!! I was dying. I didn't wanna hurt him.
So I gave in a day later and texted. He continued to come see me after work (midnight) about three times a week.
All this has stopped. Poof!! I only see him once or twice every two weeks and his text messages have dwindled down to about once or twice a day every other day or two days. Sometimes I'll ignore him and won't respond until a day or two days later.
I told him I didn't care if he texted or not and that I had been a bad girl. He asked why. I gave no explanation. It's now four months and I just can never seem to say no to him. I don't ask him questions.
Just when he comes over it's as if he's done nothing wrong in my eyes.... How do I say no?
- Mayan Goddess
My Response:
Dear Mayan Goddess,
As I was reading your email, three words kept coming up for me, fairy tale romance.
The chance meetings, the perfect timing, the "other woman" who really doesn't mean anything to him, the coincidences that are anything but; you transported me back in time to a page right out of a romance novel.
I can see why you're hooked. It's the kind we love to read – and even more, to be a part of - because it has all the makings of an epic love story.
Except for one thing.
It's missing the crucial reality part. Oh, the potential for it is there – otherwise, what reason would you have for staying with it to find out the ending for yourself? But other than that potential that only the tragic heroine of the story can see, there's nothing else there.
There's a man who doesn't leave you with many options because he's already warned you away. He's showing you with both these words and his actions that this is as much as he has to give you.
He'll have all his reasons – and maybe an excuse or two as well. My guess is he's always wanted to be someone's hero. And it sounds like you've been looking for someone to be your hero all along.
Isn't that how most of us get here?
You don't ask because you don't really want to know. It feels like he's done nothing wrong in your eyes because what you see when you look at him through your eyes is very different from what anyone else sees. It's your fairy tale, your dream, your little piece of heaven when you're with him, and so the last thing you want to do is say "no" to something like this.
Unless you want something real.
Unless you want someone who can be there for you in the hours before midnight and after 5 AM as well.
Unless you want someone you can ask questions of and not be afraid to hear his answers.
Unless you want someone whose first words to you aren't about him not wanting to break your heart and about you not having any expectations.
What you're seeing is who he is. What he's giving you is what he's capable of giving you. What he's showing you by his behavior is what is working well (so well!) for him.
But as always, we can talk about him and all his reasons for behaving like this until we're blue in the face, but it won't change your own specific situation unless we bring it back to you. Because this isn't about him, this is about you.
It's about what you want – if you're honest with yourself. It's about what he's worth to you – and if you don't know your own worth, whatever he is will seem like so much more than it actually is.
You're not alone here, Mayan.
You're in a place so many of us have been, or still are. It's a place so many of us gravitate to with seemingly little effort on our part; it's a story we're almost afraid to admit we know well. Because if we're honest with ourselves, there's a little bit of that story we all want; and we'll stick around just a little longer just in case it's the one with the happy ending we've been longing for. There's no shame in wanting that.
Or in any of this.
You'll say no when you want to. You're that strong, you're that powerful, you're that determined.
But you have to want to.
And if you don't, don't tell yourself you do.
Instead, own where you are and what you really want. And then go out and create that beautiful life for yourself, instead of labeling yourself, or living out someone else's life for you. Make it your own.
I have a feeling you know exactly how to do just that.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful friend Mayan Goddess should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
Dear Annie,
Thank you very much for your kind words. It helps a lot for my process of healing. It is easier as I still keep something for myself and didn't go completely for him. It makes me feel amazed somehow why there is some kind of men, who are not related that can say exactly the same things. I would have been more careless if I had not experienced something like this, years ago. And now everything is just like a movie that I have to watch again, with the same script, just a different actor. Sometimes I find myself, standing outside of the scene, observing what's next. After the first moments of the crush, I am calmer now to see through everything and put things together again. It was happy with him for a while and I appreciate those moments, but now I believe I am ready to smile for the next person to come, and I hope he will stay. Hope, is the one thing, after all those years, that I still have been keeping for myself and it helps me to enjoy and appreciate beautiful things in life.
All the best,
Marie
Hi Marie,
This sounds like my ex. Only I didnt find out about his lies until 10-11 months later. Exactly same bull, wanted to be honest from the start, fell in love with me very early, and made me think I was the one....only having going around my back with other girls at the same time. Then when I did start questioning and doubting him, I was accused of being too jealous, not trusting and having the problem in my head!
Marie, I learned the hard way but it was the best lesson ever since I now realise better what relationships are about especially at the beginning. Thanks to Jane and other people here I can perhaps recognise the warning signs earlier.
Marie, the warning sign here is just that, you questioning his behaviour not being exactly sure of his motives and you know the answer and you should always trust that. You are a smart womand and you have so much to give to someone who can appreciate the love and care and your beautifully personality. Love yourself, smile and love life and in time someone special with kind good heart will come your way.
Good luck!<3
-Annie
P.S. Trust your intuition, it knows when something is going on...so did mine and that is how I found out, I wanted to 'lause it was always a bit odd and almost too perfect
Dear Jane,
Thank you very much for your many blogs that have really opened my eyes. But I don't think I am there yet as I keep getting attracted to the wrong kind of guys.
I am dating someone for more than a month and we have got intimate to each other. We meet 2,3 times a week, going to dinner, movies, etc... together like any normal couple would do. But there is something lack there that always makes me feel insecured and uncertain about this whole thing. The not so normal thing about us is he is separated from his wife (for 2 years as he said) and he is staying in a hotel, where his colleagues are also staying. He has been trying to hide me away from all these guys, never walking into or out of the hotel with me as he said he didn't want his colleagues to rumour about him and think bad about me. I was not happy about it. And it bothers me a lot, I keep telling him that and I was waiting for him to have some sort of actions to solve that problem as I think it is not wrong to date if you have been separated for 2 years. One of the time when I brought it up, he said he didn't want us to have anything serious though he considered me his girlfriend. It might be stupid of me to hang on to the word "girlfriend" rather than the "not anything serious". Maybe he has thrown his words out very clear that there would be nothing as us. Most recently when I tried to talk about it again, he said he just wanted us to be within our world of two, separated from our own world, just the two of us, being happy together. I have heard this before and it was nothing new. And the previous person who said that to me hurt me badly when I found out he was cheating.
During the past one month, he didn't try to do anything for me. He would go out with his colleagues and forgot completely that he was having an appointment with me. It happened every weekend. He would say he had to do something, and would call me back and we would meet later, which never happened. If we spent one of the weekend nights together, there would always be a reason that I needed to leave in the morning (like he had to go somewhere with colleagues, he had to have a weekend meeting, etc, etc...). It was always OK for him to leave me somewhere, but not to say"no" to his colleagues. It was OK for the first or second times but then I realized it was a patterned activity. I have already told him that it is not cool and the way that he is treating me is not something that I can compromise. Still nothing changes.
There have been other things that I consider "red flags" and today I found an evidence that he slept with someone else. I haven't told him about it yet. He used to tell me that he was a loyal person and he wouldn't date multiple persons at the same time. He even told me he liked me very very much. He said he didn't regard me as a friend with benefits, and there would be no such things as "an open relationship" (he said that 3 days ago). So now I am wondering if a person who likes you very much and considers you his girlfriend will be free to go out there, date someone else, sleep with her, just because he has made it clear to you, he doesn't want anything serious. I know I am sounding a fool, but I am still confused about what to expect out of this. He is still making plans to go on a vacation with me, to go to nice places with me. It has always been a happy thing when we spend time together. But this is not something I can accept. Should I talk to him about this? Or should I simply walk away?
You don't have to be "there yet", Marie. You're seeing it and that's how most of us begin. You're not a fool, you know your own answers, you're just testing out your wings. 🙂 Yes, you can trust your own answer to "if a person who likes you very much and considers you his girlfriend will be free to go out there, date someone else, sleep with her, just because he has made it clear to you, he doesn't want anything serious." There's nothing to talk about. This is not something you should ever accept.
Yes, I have already known my answer. And I told him I knew he was sleeping with someone else. He said if he did, he would tell me and it was only on my mind and that i am possessive and he didn't like it. I wish I could have a little trust on that but all of the things I have observed and even my heart only point out that there is something wrong. I told him once again the fact that he has hidden me away had never made me feel secured and maybe my expectation for him was too high. At this point, he suggested to have a break for some time. It will be around two weeks. But I think it is more a breakup than merely a break. I believe if he had a deeper feeling for me, there would never be a break. I know he has never really cared for me that much. I do understand that there is nothing to regret if the person appears to be helpless to my life. But somewhere in me, i still wish it worked as I like him and the journey to find the right one has become a bit long with no success.
Thanks for your comment and encouragement Angel! You always manage to say things that make me feel cheered up and more optimistic. Really do you have similar feelings also?
Well the thing is I was in therapy a few times the year before last and it opened my eyes in many ways. I realised I was punishing myself of pretty much of my whole life. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough etc. and the therapist took one looked at me saying are you serious? She told me I need to see myself how others see me. I was being too hard on myself and stressed out because I was trying to control my life. "Go home, enjoy the little things and smile." OK, that wasn't exactly what she said but this is what I learned. I also learned I must accept myself as I am and live my life as it is. She made me understand why I sometimes have two sides of me the bubbly person and the ashamed one and she helped me to realise I needed to let go of trying to control my life but instead I should enjoy the little things. During this time I was also affected by a movie I happened to watch. It was a romantic comedy with Hollywood ending but there was also this message that made me think more. It was about people going through their lives not noticing how time goes by so fast and how we may miss something when we are not looking. The message was simple about enjoying every moment and seeing beautiful things in every day and that movie touched me. I try to remember this. I try to stay present in moments and see the beauty. Although I forget this occasionally, I believe it is a matter of changing of attitude that can make a big difference and sometimes it is about looking around yourself and noticing a lot of love around. (Haha sounds like another movie, right?).
I do have lovely friends but I don't spend time with them during weekdays. On weekdays I balance between work and hobbies, and relaxing on the sofa. I might make a call or two to my friends but usually we don't meet up until Thursday and Friday and weekends of course. So in result, I do sometimes get tired of having the walks on my own, having dinner by myself and being on my own not having anyone there for me. Though most of the time I am fine with this. Also thanks for the tip since I actually never had a date with myself. That is a great idea taking myself out for fancy dinner!
I will think about the course. I do feel like through therapy and this blog I have realised quite a bit and in fact the person I'm looking for has gone from childish dream of wanting tall and dark prince to good hearted, kind, confident, have similar dreams and the latest addition...is single not taken type on my list.
So thanks to Jane's wise advises, your contribution and comments from everyone (I can't thank you enough!) I once again realise life is too short to worry. I may not have the man I love now but maybe one day. My worrying will add nothing to my life except more worrying. Moreover, with my new list I still hope I attract the right guy in my life eventually. I definitely hope Universe hears my wish this time since it has been a bit off recently but then again I did not have things like single and not taking advantages of others on my list before...:)
Hope all your wishes come true!
-Annie
I hear you, Annie.
The bubbly vs. Ashamed part... That describes me to a T.
I have found out where the ashamed part comes from and I'm trying to soothe it and tell it it's ok. It's a process. We're hard on ourselves, Annie, we just have to work on being more compassionate towards ourselves. To turn that love we're so eager to give and that we give to others inwards, where it's most needed. Wrap your own love around yourself, like a blanket in a meditation.
You are the Universe, Annie. You can give yourself what you need. We just keep forgetting that because we're used to wanting love and validation from others, but we are creative force, we are love. We just need to remember. We can start by breaking the cycle of love starvation so that we're more attuned to our intuition and that way make better choices and be more discerning when we meet people. Some people around you are great at certain things, others at other things. Having healthy boundaries will help us determine what is safe and who is safe for us to share our own beings. Restore trust in ourselves and our own internal knowing. That way we can be open and safe to love.
Thank you for your kind wishes. I do wish for you and for all of us here on this blog to break free from pain and into love, kindness and fulfillment. Keep moving forward, Annie. You can make your dreams come true. Keep believing. Keep your faith.
Thanks again Angel! You are right, part of me thinks since I have a job that keeps me busy travelling I won't meet anyone, so I try subconciously to change something or perhaps I'm not sure if this job is the right option for me. In the past I had a similar job and most people I met were in relationships already so I'm like a black sleep that does not fit in. At the same time my heart is crying because I feel like I already missed the boat.
Although they say luck has nothing to do with love, I'm really not sure anymore. I keep having these experiences over and over again. There is always something why the person I meet is wrong for me. Then last year when I finally felt good about myself and decided to accept being alone, I met someone who was the worst person one can meet! A real villain and I just don't understand why this happened. Hadn't I had enough bad experiences already?
So I continue my life alone and eventually the pain will go away and every part of me will be happy again. It just takes time now and I honestly get lost along the way trying to figure out this thing called life and relationships.
P.S. I love my girlfriends but for some reason I feel like I cant burden them with my worries always and many times they are in the same boat, they are also struggling and when I talk with them I'd rather listen instead...
We are so alike, Annie. I wish I knew the answer myself. Have you considered coaching with Jane? She already knows part of the situation so she understands what we go through. I think it could be benefitial to explore some coaching with her or doing her online program. It's actually very good and it got me started finding out my patterns.
There's a reason why you keep choosing men who are wrong for you and you need to find out what your reason is. You're getting something out of doing that, of course we do it subconsciously. There's a broken record playing in your subconscious. Try to find out what tune it's playing. That alone is in and of itself a big chunk you can sort out.
You haven't missed the boat and it's true, it's not luck. What's holding you back is deep inside you.
Do some digging to see what comes up.
And remember to enjoy your life a little bit in the process. Take yourself out on a date by yourself, have a stroll down your favorite place, do anything that pleases you.
Finding out about ourselves is wonderful and painful and stressful. It's a mix of so many things and I believe it is our way to finding true love. Lots of love, Annie.
Thanks Jane! Your comment was really touching. I will see how I feel and then decide whether or not will text him still.
I'm confused of many things at the moment. My hearbreak of last year is still bothering me and although I am happy in my life same time I am not. I feel like one part of me is doing things I love and is continuing be bubbly happy person and the other part is tired, confused and feeling like she is not fitting in, like I felt many years ago when I was a teenager. That part is scared, stressed, lonely and sad also and constantly not sure if the other part of me (the bubbly, happy, open person) is genuinely happy or just faking it.
I guess I'm trying to be the best I can be, trying to do my best at work, trying to be successful and trying to fit in but suddenly I feel like I did before insecure, naiive, too open etc. I want to withraw under my shell and cover that open part of me.
I guess this is all related to stress and pressure I have in my life. My new work challenges are interesting but demanding and now that I travel a lot I do many things alone and I guess I have more time to think which leads me to feel like I'm in a limbo and afraid of failing.
This guy I met was interesting 'cause I feel like we are similar but then again I dont know him and since I'm vulnerable now I may be completely wrong. So that's why I felt like I want to get to know him as friends. I'm not looking for an affair just a person to talk to. And even then I think I might just not fit in, and that everyone else is different. I dont even know how to explain this feeling of mine. I think it is fear, doubt and shame of myself and it is that inner child reminding me if I live my life without worry, I fail 'cause I tend say too much, be too much of in the centre of attention and think I'm beautiful as I am. It is those ghosts of my past hunting me trying to slow me down, saying there is something wrong with you so dont pretend...
Of course I know it is the past and as a 35 year old woman I no longer need to hide and if I believe in myself I will be successful, I will achieve my dream. I dont know though if that dream involves a husband and a family but perhaps something else then like travelling around the world.
Finally I'm sorry I kind of stole the conversation now. I should have just emailed you Jane instead.
Have a great day!
-Annie
Hi Annie. I think I understand how you're feeling. It's actually confusing and hard to explain, but I've been there. I guess what can help us is to accept our reality in this moment as is. Release the need to change anything: release the need to desperately try to connect with someone, to run away from being alone, to do something about the shame and thoughts and just let us be. Just peaceful and calm. We tend to go so many places in our minds that it's torture.
I understand the feeling of wanting to connect with someone because we don't want to be alone and that person, whoever that happens to be, seems nice so we go there. That is a vulnerable state and there's nothing wrong with it, but there's a danger. The risk is that we see the good so much that we forget or ignore the neon signs because we're so driven to connect. Jane is right about the "friends " thing. We rationalize things saying we could be friends, but if we're attracted to them, friends is really not where we're really at. Friends will put you at risk of getting too close to someone who'll bring out your woundings and unresolved issues. Whatever you decide to do, try to consider facts. Be honest with yourself and your limits. And then be gentle and caring towards yourself above all else. There will be other people who are safer to connect with, like girl friends. Or if a man comes along, always pay attention to how he treats you and what his situation is. Like Eric mentioned, a man who is married or recently divorced or who just got out of a long-term relationship is not emotionally available. Choose a man who is kind, genuinely kind to you, reliable, who is emotionally, mentally and physicallt available to you and little by little let him earn your trust. Your feelings and safety are always first. I'm sending you a big hug.
Well said, Angel. We don't want to be alone. We see the good and potential in others. We are "do-ers" so we take what action we think necessary to make thing happen. With the best of intentions. And like anybody else, sometimes we get it wrong.
You give good advice here, and always add greatly to a discussion.
Thank you, Wayneli. I'm glad I can help somehow 🙂
I'm glad this resonated with you, Annie. It's how I feel when I really listen to you and what you're asking here. Your thoughts, your questions, your conversations are always welcome here. They help so many others struggling with the same questions as well. 🙂
Yes well I am not there I have not gotten involved with him and dont think I will...I'm not like that! I'm just wondering...can I be friends with him? He seems like a smart and nice person and we have many things in common. So could I just have a chat with him and be friends? From my side I could and I already told him I'd like to get to know him as friends.
I know otherwise exactly what you are saying but world has changed also. It is true one day I'll meet my match but maybe 10 years from now, who knows.
Hi Annie,
Save yourself the heartache and the stress and stay away from this guy. I am 49 and my girlfriend is older than I am. It will happen once you start making your life your own. Or put differently: Go ahead and see this guy, but only after his divorce is finalized. Trust me, any guy that is willing to "get to know" other women while he is still married (and remember, he IS married until the divorce papers are signed by both himself and his wife) is not the kind of guy you want to be with.
That's my just my two cents. Best of luck in working through this.
Eric
You could, Annie. Ultimately, we always do what we want to do. It's how we learn; it's how we grow. It's how we come to see what we need to see what we couldn't see any other way. Listen. Watch. Observe. Tread very carefully if that's what you decide to do. Because especially at a friend level, we can fool ourselves into believing we've got everything under control, when we really don't. You're worth more than you realize. Make sure he is, too.
This resonated to me because as we speak I have just met someone who is married. I dont know what my feelings are but it is similar that my situation is similar. Started with gazes and then he seems like a nice guy. Only he is married and we are kind of friends. Kind of 'cause I met him unexpectably at a weekend break with friends. Didnt know he was married until someone told me and by then already had something going on with him. So I know the feeling. I stopped pretty much once I found out but he is now in my mind. For many reasons he also seems someone worth to getting to know as a friend.
He told me they are about to get a divorce but who knows what is the truth.
So now although we text each other occasionally and already agreed to meet up with him since we will be travelling at the same time on business, I question this a bit. Is it smart to meet up or keep in contact with him? What if this develops into a romance 'cause we kind of were going on that road already.
It is difficult and feel like I get into more absurd situations as I get older (cheaters and imposters, married men). Perhaps 'cause I'm no longer insecure, perhaps because of modern times. Even though I know it is wrong and she probably did also, it is also kind of exciting and the other alternative is nothing; no romance at all. Tough situation and tough choice.
Hi Annie,
Do you really want to be with a guy who was seeing on the side of his marriage? Granted, he is *supposedly* in the process of getting a divorce, but until that time, he is still married.
What does that bode for you when you're in a relationship with him? If he can withstand the temptation to wait until his divorce is finalized to start something, how can you trust him to be faithful to you?
Eric
Great questions to ask oneself, Eric. Thank you.
Or more heartbreak down the road when reality sinks in, Annie. There's a reason you're questioning this a bit - it's because deep down you know you're worth more than a little excitement with someone who can't give you what you're really looking for - what you deserve. Run away as fast as you can from anything that even vaguely resembles cheater, imposters or married men! They represent such a small part of the older male population, but when you don't listen to your gut instinct and refuse to go there even a little, they can seem like they're everywhere.
So many of us have been there, dipping our feet in just a little because it's at least something. But the price you pay is never worth what you get out of it in the long run, and what you miss while you're just getting your feet wet, is so much more than this!
Girl,
This guy was a vulture. It's obvious to me, after going through my own situation, that all he wanted was to have sex with you. He saw you a red meat. All wolves in sheep's clothing can smell fresh prey when it's near. He took what appeared to be your weaknesses, knew you'd just gotten out of a bad situation and attempted to get sex from you. So these vultures will play up the fairy tale crap, tell you what you want to hear, appear to be loving and caring, when all they care about is one thing. A man who is interested in you will take you out and spend money on you. He'll go out of his way to make time, he won't just be texting you (that's immature by the way). He'll spend QUALITY time with you in the daytime when he can and make it clear that he wants you. If a guy EVER EVER EVER puts up a disclaimer in the beginning, he's basically telling you DON'T TRUST ME, I'M A JERK AND I'LL BREAK YOUR HEART AFTER I GET WHAT I WANT. How selfish of him. Trust me dear, I'm just getting rid of one of these parasites. You have to create a strategy of no contact. It's a brutal process that will feel like the worse emotional roller coaster you've ever been on. You'll feel insane and helpless and out of control and depressed and sad and sometimes down right low, reallyy really really low. But during this process you'll grow strong, you'll realize some ugly truths about yourself and how you feel about you. I mean you did say you just got out of an abusive relationship. You never really healed. You still had open wounds and this jerk just pretty much tried to take advantage of it. Cut him off hun. I wish I had done so months ago when the jerk I've been dating told me he still loved his ex-girlfriend and continues to date other women and me while he's so called trying to get back with her. Save yourself the time and focus on a man who really deserves your time hun. This low life will never change. Let him be some other woman's problem.
Thank you for adding this, Wiserwoman. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can.
Yah, Jane. You have helped us all.
Someone that is trusted, forgiving and wise has refusesed to be harsh with us, which is teaching us to be forgiving and not be harsh with ourselves. And shows that it is the way to always treat others.
Looking forward to a possible happy ending speaks to our human spirit. If you are a person that seems to always see the good or potential in others, it can make you vulnerable and make mistakes. I don't think anyone would say that these people should change but rather, be aware. And remember that someone wise once said that it is a good thing that we don't always get what we want.
Aware. You hit the nail, Wayne. That last paragraph you wrote resonates so much with me, I cannot tell you.
Hi Wayne,
Prior to working with Jane back in June of last year, and through on-going work with her to this even though I've got a really fantastic relationship going that I truly thought was DOA as of last September, it takes awareness on both sides. I'll speak to one part of this, and that is as the guy, but it really goes for all of us. We all need to be, but sometimes as Jane has spoken about in the past, it takes a lot of self-awareness and a willingness to actually implement change in ourselves and how much our societal programming affects every one of us in a relationship to actually make a change. Whether you're the person who is unaware of their own detachments or you're the person who so desperately wants to hold onto that which is clearly no good for us, for whatever the reason.
Prior to having worked with Jane through countless sessions, I would emphatically agreed with your comment about how seeing the positive in others somehow might make us vulnerable. What is instead required is more of a paradigm shift: Nobody can take advantage because, as Jane has always reminded us, and it finally sunk in with me after a few months of one-on-one coaching wither, that we have to recognize that we always have had the power to change things, to change the relationship that for whatever reason has left us feeling so unhappy. The paradigm shift is away from victim mentality to one of being empowered to say to ourselves: I have a choice, do I want to stay in this situation that I currently find myself in or do I want to change it? And that change is not to try and affect change with the state of the other person but to instead simply realize that we can move on and that there will be somebody who appreciates us and can truly give us the love that we all so dearly deserve.
Eric
Thanks for adding this, Eric. It's so empowering to hear you put it this way, this owning our own power and choosing what we allow and what we don't, and refusing to be the victim of any part of it. You're a pleasure to work with. 🙂
Thanks, Wayne. It's why I'm here. This way used to be so foreign to me and yet it's the only way that matters, the only way we get to that other side. It's an illusion that it's about someone else or about something outside ourselves that has to change. It's really right here inside us all along.
"Be aware" - aware yes, but jaded, cynical - never. Don't ever change that vulnerable, caring, loving, believing side of you, just hold on tighter to yourself than anyone else. Keep your own life and hold it like a precious gift until you know for sure who the recipient really is. Always, always choose you first, someone else second. I know we've been taught to do just the opposite, but for those of us who took that to heart to the detriment of our own selves, we have to come first. If we focus on that, we might only come a little bit second. Because old habits die hard. And you're worth so much more than we ever believe.
And, yes, it is a very good thing we don't always get what we want. So glad you're realizing this, too.
Jane, it's your blog that has helped me to get back my life. It's just like you to thank your readers for being here. I'm so grateful I found you. You truly have helped me look into myself, learn to really love myself and truly love each day I am blessed with. You words are the kindest caring words I've ever encountered in my life.
So, thank you Jane. If you ever come back to Canada (southern Ontario specifically) I'd love to meet you.
Your words mean so much to me, Jennifer. So glad to be able to reach out across this big world of ours and be able to reach you right where you are. You're right neat the place where this journey all began for me in one life-changing ending that actually started it all. I haven't been back there since, but I do plan to revisit your neck of the woods at some point for nostalgia's sake and I'll be sure to let you know. 🙂
Go where the kind, caring words are spoken to you; that's how you'll know you're where you belong.
Ah Jane you've done it again. You are so loving and caring with your response to Mayan Godess. No passing of judgements. No harsh words or accusations. I don't want to admit that I've been in her shoes. Might still be wearing them. No details here just loving support for a kindred spirit. Jane your last statements are the most loving caring words I could have read. I quote
"you'll say no when you want to. You're that strong, you're that powerful, you're that determined. "
"But you have to want to."
"And if you don't, don't tell yourself you do."
It's those thoughts, in the last quote, that beat us down the most.
To Mayan godess ,
you've done youself a great service by contacting Jane. All of her advice is self serving. She doesn't suggest you run for the hills. She gently encourages you to look within yourself and be truthful to your beautiful selves. If I've learned nothing else from Jane, its that you need to be honest with yourself. Now I'm gonna quote her last paragraph.
"Instead, own where you re and what you really want. And then go out and create that beautiful life for yourself, instead of lableing yourself, or lving out someone else's life for you. Make it your own."
Do your self talk and dig down into what is really going on here. We are our own worst enemies. We are hardest on ourselves.
Me, I live for each day. I do what makes me happy. I enjoy and take pleasure in that joy.
I've said it before and I'm saying it here; I want happily ever after but that's the end of the story. So I'm living the story insyead. Ups and downs, mistakes and triumphs, they are all necessary to make a great story.
hugs to you my friend.
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer. I love how you've taken what I've said and inserted them into your life where they fit. Thank you for sharing. And for putting this into such supportive, empowering words for Mayan. Have I told you how glad I am you stumbled across my website? 🙂
Mayan,
Jane is absolutely right. This guy has already given you an answer to your unspoken question: Will he commit to a relationship with you. In my profession of IT sales, not making a decision is a decision. And that decision is to stay with the staus quo. And by not giving you a decision to be with you or not, he's given you the answer to set you free, so to speak. But as Jane always stresses, it is a conscious choice on all our parts. We truly do have the power to choose whether to stay in these unhappy/non-functional relationships or not. This is why we, and YOU, are so empowered, to be able to move on with your lives and not let the other person have control over you.
You have more power than you think to be able to get out of this and move on. You already ended one bad relationship, your prior relationship. Now you can make the decision to move on from this non-relationship and start living the life you were meant to live.
You deserve it and you can do it.
Eric
Well said, Eric. Thank you for your encouraging words for Mayan.
You won't say, "No - I won't let you in this time because I have started to develop feelings for you and neither of us wants that to develop into full blown heartbreak. This has been fun but after this point a friendship would be insulting to both of us. I'll say hi if we run into each other through work but unless you feel motivated to pursue me seriously then it's best we don't prolong this delightful fantasy. It's been fun, I'll see you round but I must let you go as it's been a hard day and I'm heading to bed early. Goodnight and thanks for the fun we shared" Give him a big smile then shut the door. This has hinted at your feelings without pouring your heart out and demeaning yourself. It has laid the cards on the table in a cool and laid back way and your expression should show you feel a bit of regret but you will be moving on happily to the next man. Set that boundary even if it hurts to do so. If he tries to get you talking or get inside your house say no - nothing else - smile and push him out gently while closing the door. Just keep saying no. Then go inside, turn off your phone, turn up some music and cry - time to snap out of this. He mans up and approaches you later with a new attitude or he tries to use you again ...
Beautiful! You've articulated her end of a dialogue so simply yet accurately, Fairycake. Thank you for this.
Greetings Goddess & Friends
I want to thank Sista Jane for her compassionate and fair response. She is Awesome Sauce!!
Angel your word sound is firey. Love the crumbs dont equate the cake. Hot!!! Its so true literally. When eating the 1st bite, it is sooo good. 2Nd bite too. Then when you get to the crumbs ,you try to scrape the plate but its not enuff. You want more. Interesting!
Goddess, My point is, your soul is stronger than you think. You know the right thing to do. You just scared. Love the life you live, live the life you love. Blessid
So true, Sharri. And thank you!
Ah yes. The infamous fairy tale. I'm sorry I'm not all lovey dovey, but since I'm on the other side, the side that comes after reality crashes in, I see nothing but sweet NOTHINGS here. " I don't want to break your heart and you shouldn't have expectations " that's your cue to run for the hills away from this one. Men are actually quite the thing. They say these things and they're honest, but to them it's like the fine print at the bottom of the page so they can take whatever they want from you and then rub it in your face saying: I told you. I'm off to someone "better". They wash their hands off taking responsibility for any hurt they inflict on you while they take from you. Your feelings, your life, your dreams, your well being are YOUR responsibility. Do not leave them in someone else's hands. They'll drop them every single time.
Say no to this. These are crumbs. Crumbs don't make the cake you want and deserve. Away from this one. Find out why you're holding on and get back to reality. I wish you tons of clarity and strength, Mayan Goddess. Don't wait for the end. Finish that book there so you avoid heartache. Hugs.
You are SO right!
When you've been there, Angel, you understand like no one else can. Thank you for adding your empowering thoughts for Mayan to take and run with!
I have truly been there too many times to count and I'm once again going through the process of rerecovering; this time feeling all the emotions that naturally come in the process of learning such a big lesson. It's hard when it's so recent. It's still raw, but I'm glad I can see where I have gone wrong so I can do better for myself and feelings in the future.
As usual, thank you, Jane for knocking on the doors of our hearts to help us see in our own way what has to change so we can be free to live in reality and to make reality more beautiful for us.
One thing I have always learned is to think long term instead of thinking only for now. Sometimes we just think of what feels good now without regard to our own deep desires and our long term goals. I'm learning to discern better between living in the present and living to align with my future visions. A hug to you.
You're so welcome, Angel. In our own way, in our own time. We have to choose to do what we need to do for ourselves in the ways that sometimes only we can see. Big hug to you too, sweetie. You're going to be just fine because you're already just fine. And then some. 🙂
Greetings Jane:
You are so correct I was in a Fairy Tale and he was trying to be the Hero. I will never understand why he wanted to be my Hero. I am a self-sufficient woman with a great job, great ideas and educated. Like you state, bottom line it was all about him. Now that I think back and what he told me he will always be the dominant. I recall one time I went to his domain and I don't know what he was thinking and he pulled his Pug into his arms and told the dog - she don't love us she has a boyfriend. Our last conversation via-email I stated to him I cannot be with someone who does not want to be in a serious relationship and he told me I make him sad. I also stated to him if he thought he was the only one that gave it all to the relationship he was WRONG! I cannot stop thinking about him and keeping thinking back of the negative, there was some positive. At the end of the day I think to myself I need to be strong and not contact him anymore to let him know what I am thinking and how I feel. Your words have given me strength to be me again. Thank you.
So glad this resonated with you, Catherine! That strength is all yours. Run with it. And don't ever stop being you. It's all you ever need to be!