One of our beautiful readers, who has chosen to remain anonymous, is in a toxic relationship with a bad boy that she knows is no good for her, but she can't let go.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane.
I really don't know what to do anymore - I have been holding on to this problem for 4 years now and I'm getting INSANE!
It all started 4 years ago when I was 18 years old - I met this boy who became my boyfriend.
We went to the same high school, and I was looking at him for 3 years before he noticed me and came over to talk. Few months later we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He was my first real boyfriend and I was so in love with him.
I can't even describe it - but I'm sure you know it feels.
I did everything for him, I did everything to see him, I lied to my parents to sneak out, I became a total different person (I see that now).
He has always been the good looking guy that every girl on the school wanted and talked about. So I was sooooo happy to finally GET him - because he never really had a real girlfriend before.
It was like fire and ice. We were so different. I was/am the sweet little innocent girl, and he is the bad boy.. But I felt so attracted to him. Everyone told me to stay away from him though…..
Anyways - we were together for 10 months and then something bad happened…
He went to a "drinking" holiday with the rest of the school and I stayed home with his family waiting for him. After a week he gets home and he is acting weird and we are fighting a lot. 2 days after he breaks up with me.
And I was BROKEN.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep I couldn't do anything… I didn't understand why and the only thing he said was that he didn't have the feelings anymore because I was too sweet and too good for him.
He didn't deserve me… all BS.
After that he wouldn't let go of me. He would still catch up and have sex because maybe we could get together again. Maybe he would have feelings for me again… So I did what he wanted because I love him so much and he was my first…..
After 1 month I was told that he was seen in an apartment with a girl.
I asked him about it and he told me it was just his friend girlfriend… But my girlfriend kept seeing her and I did my homework and found out that he had cheated on me with this girl on the drinking holiday.
I can't describe what it did to me.
I was so out of control I almost tried to kill my self, even now 4 years after I'm still crying over it, even now when writing this letter to you… But I asked him again and he told me that everybody was lying and he called the girl who told me in front of me so I could see it was a lie.
He denied EVERYTHING…….
I didn't know what to think and what to believe….. Sooo - I kept seeing him but he still didn't want to be my boyfriend again. Almost 5 months after that - I kept seeing signs of him cheating but I wanted to hear it from him and one day he told me… 6 months after the break up and all the lies.
He told me - crying over the phone that it was true and he had lied because he didn't want to hurt me..
I just hung up the phone and then we didn't spoke for 2 years. In the period after that I went down with depression and I lost a lot of weight… And in those 2 years - he was together with her.
He took her into the family as he did with me , and I cried for 1.5 year……. He didn't contact me - only a little bit in the beginning but I did not answer. After 1.5 year I finally got a little bit over him and started my own life - I trained a lot and became a lot more healthier.
I became happy again 🙂
But then………. 8 months ago - 2.5 year after the break up. He broke up with the girl and we started talking again - not because of the break up but because we ran into each other.
Then we just talked again and there was no hard feelings. Then we started seeing each other again but with no strings attached - but that didn't went well.
The feelings started to show again and I didn't like it because I do not trust him at all…. And then suddenly he told me that he had slept with her AGAIN - but it was a mistake and he loved me - so I could not be mad at him because we were not together officially sooooooo I couldn't say anything.
I should just live with it.
I cried and I hated him and I didn't want to see him again but I don't know how - he just keeps messing with my mind and brain wash me. So I stayed with him even though we weren't together..
And here I am today - crazy and insane.
We always fight over stupid things. I check him all the time because I don't trust him and I know he talks to other girls but he keeps telling me they are just friends.
I do not trust him and I won't be with him anymore because this is the sickest and craziest stuff ever. I can't do it anymore. My mind is tired, my body is tired. I'm not my self and I miss the old happy me.
Now I'm constantly tired and upset - checking were he is? And he only wants to catch up when he is bored, when its Friday night I won't hear from him. My whole family hates me for talking to him - even his own family.
He is not normal and I think he will always cheat. He also cheated on the other girl. She just docent know..
I know this is a problem and I know I deserve better.
It's not even because we have fun when were together - he is always complaining and he won't do anything with me. The only thing he wants to do is lying home in the sofa/bed….. I can't describe it better than this.
I don't know how to get out of this. I have blocked/locked him out of my life so many times but I always come back. I have also now given him an ultimate, - to be my boyfriend and we stop all these games… and he replied with "I'm not ready yet" but….. do I really want to have a boyfriend like that?
No - I just think its a bad habit 🙁
REALLY hope to hear from you….
Thank you.
- Anonymous
My Response:
Dear Anonymous,
Your letter so touched me. Here you are, this beautiful young woman with so much to give, so much to offer someone who’s truly worthy of you and what do you do with her? You subject her to this type of treatment. It shows just how little you think of yourself. And how much more value you place on him.
Why?
It doesn't have to be this way!
In fact, there’s a single word that gets you out of this: enough.
If you were done with being treated like this, if you were finished with putting yourself through this, it would be so clear to you.
Walk Away.
You let go. You walk away.
You've said you can’t trust him, that you don’t even have fun when you’re together, and you think he will always cheat. You talk about missing the old happy you – and everyone else can see this so clearly, too.
Why can’t you? That’s the question to ask yourself.
It's your answer that will set you free.
Until you discover your own reason, you’ll keep going back there, regardless of what I or anyone else says. Who is this person whose life is worth more than yours? And to be clear, make sure if you ever find yourself in that position again where you place more value on his love than your own life, that you seek professional help immediately! Depression is very real, it's nothing to be ashamed of (it happens to so many of us so you're definitely not alone), and it's not to be taken lightly.
What is it that keeps you always coming back to him?
What is it that he gives you that you would choose this miserable life you’re describing with him over the unlimited possibilities just waiting for you?
What is it that you are so afraid of that keeps you here?
Is it a fear of being alone?
Is it a fear that he'll finally be ready for a committed relationship after you've walked away? There’s something more here that has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you.
You’re not done.
There’s something more you want to see, to believe in, to wait for, to hold out hope for. But what about you in the meantime? What about living like this when you’re young with so much of your life still ahead of you to experience? There’s obviously something still more here for you, there’s something you still want from him before you’re ready to let him go.
I know how hard this can be to see when you’re in it like you are, but try for just a moment to see this from the perspective of your future happy self looking back where you are right now.
Because we’re never controlled by anyone unless we allow ourselves to be. We’re always the ones doing the choosing no matter how much it seems that we’re not.
If we want to let go, we let go. If we don’t want to be treated the way someone treats us, we walk away. If we want more than someone can give us, we don’t keep trying to extract something from someone that they keep showing us over and over again that they’re incapable of giving us.
No wonder you feel crazy.
Accepting behavior like this from someone can’t be anything but crazy-making! It's not how we're ever meant to live.
Change can be uncomfortable, especially if living like this – accepting this type of relationship from someone – has become a habit. But it doesn’t have to be this way if you don’t want it to. It won’t continue like this if you don’t want it to.
Don’t accept what you know in your heart of hearts you can never accept.
Not with him, not with anyone.
You know you deserve so much more than what he can give you, but he’s not going to change this; only you can.
Take what you’re seeing for yourself and run with it. You know this for yourself with your own words - "do I really want to have a boyfriend like that?" And your answer is just as telling “no” you say. Of course you don’t. Find out what he has that you believe you need. Dig deeper to find out what that need is. When you get there, ask yourself if it’s true, or merely an illusion based on something that also isn't true. Do you really need him like you think you do?
Because if you could see yourself the way I see you – the way the people who love you and believe in you see you - you would never, ever allow anyone to treat you like this.
No one is worth this. No one.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our beautiful anonymous friend should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
Hello Jane,
If you please..listen to my story..I feel like i need to type it out now after browsing through this beautiful website.
It all starts at the begining of highschool, my father dies. Tragic start i might say. I have built myself to be strong for my mother and to face the myriad of problems. (her illness, multiple debts, the threats, the uncaring relatives. . . ). I have finishes my highschool, gotten into university through my own perseverence and by clinging onto art. I have had more relationships, even long distance ones. I have come to the conclusion that i always end up insecure, broken, dead, mad. I cry and i keep it all to myself while i continue my sweet and caring routine. The boyfriends i have become confident, charming, they shine and they show it all off while i ..sink in despair. I go to the lenghts of supporting their dreams as if they were my own ..while neglecting mine.
And then i cut them off my life in an instant..out of the blue. It happens that after some time i suddenly feel utterly detached. So i tell them goodbye. It always goes the same... for some months they chase after me but i can't bring myself to look at them as lovingly. Even though every cell of my screams for their embrace, i then focus on my art and my own problems, my financial situation, my inability to have a proper life like any other 19 y.o., my inability to keep constant contact with friends, having to deny their invitations..having to give up on my otherwise social butterfly-ish side.
I feel sad and alone.
It happens that now, after longing and obsessing over this one classmate (from highschool) we are finally gf and bf. He has been in a relationship for 4 years with some chick. Then one day they stopped coming together at school. He broke up with her. I felt happy and then i felt ashamed for feeling happy. I was in love with him for 2 years and all the time i was trying to stop it. But it got worse..ANd then he reaches out to me, he helps me, he takes me to meet his family, he makes future plans with me, he tells me beautiful things and i give myself to him like i have never given myself to anyone else before. Beautiful, right?
Sometimes i feel like he is very secretive, i give him all the space and feel all empty on the inside. He doesn't go out much either and he works a lot... We talk daily and he sends me texts and so on. But i have a feeling he will soon too start to mind his own bussiness while i cancel my fewest plans and wait on a saturday morning for his invitation. I compromise and take interest in his favourite things. He does not do the same. On the few ocassions that he does..he easily discards them as unappealing and behaves like 5 year old ignoring his parent and pretending to be sad. I joke..i try to make him smile but i can't much.
And as strong as i like to see myself..i instantly crumble and can't hold my own tears. And then i start thinking i shouldn't be in a relationship if i can't hold my own tears like that. But there is nothing in the world (known to me) sweeter than feeling loved and cherished. nothing more conforting. I have a lot of self confidence issues. I fix them but then i realise they haven't been fixed at all..
I have moments when i shine so brightly i steal every show..and in the next moment everything falls down into pieces as if i am nothing more than a ghost.
There is a lot to fix, not enough time. What am i to do to keep my calm and seek my own path but at the same time not neglect him? How do i achieve that kind of balance?
Thank you!
Hello jane
I want to share my story, i was in a relationship of 1 year with a girl. She was my first love, she told me that if her parents knw it, den she will be bullied, but one day i told her father about it bcoz i failled in the highschool final exam, i dnt know what had happend with her, but aftr that day she, her parents, her bestfriend had chngd their contact no. What should i do please help me, i truly love her. I cnt frgt her and her name.. Plz help me plz.
It sounds like a cultural issue that you're not going to be able to change, Prabitium. If she was able to do something about and wanted to enough to try to change it, that would have to come from her. Find your peace in accepting what is, and know that no matter how much you love someone, if it's not reciprocated, it can't work no matter how much you want it to. It always takes two.
Thankq Jane. Should i wait for her, if so, for how long...
I can totally relate to this. However, my situation has been ongoing for 12 years not 4. I always told myself he loved me and deep down would never do anything to hurt me. I have lost count of the number of times we have broken up over something he has done. I always took him back because deep down I thought if I loved him enough he would change.
My advice would be to walk away as soon as you can. It's a lot easier said than done and after a while it becomes almost like an addiction, you have to break free.
I have recently left him after he used my credit card without me knowing after I warned him not to (yes, he had done it previously) I just realised that I don't deserve to be treated this way anymore.
A big reason I kept taking whatever he threw at me was because of the time. You have spent 4 yrs finding out this guy is not right for you, do not waste a second more. If I can look for a new start after 12 years you can do it too. It won't be easy but it will be worth it. No one deserves to be mistreated and just love yourself enough to walk away and say "I deserve much more than this".
Thank you for this, LB. It is never easy but you are so worth it, too!
You're waiting for him to show that he sincerely loves you (not just say it), accept the fact that this will never happen. I have been in a very similar situation and walked away before I could destroy myself any more. He is not the one who is causing this situation, you are by staying in his life. Walk away and never look back, go and be happy and enjoy your life, leave him behind to get on with his miserable existence.
I know these are harsh words but I did it and even though a year and a half later i'm still not ready for a relationship I have a new life that doesn't revolve around a man and i'm happpier and more confident than ever.
Hi. I'm kind of in the same shoes, concerning a girl I feel I love more than life itself but she toys with me. I'm still hung up on her ten years after she left me and I can't get into any other relationship because I still feel she's the one and no one even comes close to her in my heart. I tell myself that she'll come around when I get good enough for her. I went through major depression too after the break up.
In the ten years since we broke up, we've met a few times and she still tells me how deeply she loves me and talks about our future as a family. I've always blamed myself for being too in love with her and pushing her away and as a result I'm guarded with women.
I still dream about her, think about how her life is etc. This is especially embarrassing for me as a guy and I don't know what to do. I go months telling myself I'm over her, but if I see her my heart melts.
Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who makes you feel like you're not "good enough" for her, Dmm. It sounds like you've got a story you're holding onto that says you have to prove your worth to someone to be loved, but in real love, that's not how it works. What if you are always enough for someone who's truly right for you? Because that's the truth, not this other story that has you trying to be something or become something or prove something in order to be loved. Find out who she represents to you and you'll have the biggest part of your answer. You can never love someone too much who's truly right for you. It's that very "quirk" about you that someone will adore about you!
Hello Anonymous,
Foremost, I do not believe any woman or man should ever be treated like this in a relationship. If somebody is treating their partner the way you have been, no matter how much you think you love that person, that person does NOT in any way deserve to be with you and you should absolutely walk away without any regret, no matter how much it pains you.
Jane is correct in that you first need to understand what is it about this person that attracts you so much to them in the first place. It's not until you can understand this about yourself that you can actively start to choose whether or not this relationship, or any for that matter, is worth being in when you're being consistently lied to and the other person continues to misrepresent themselves to you. If a person cannot be their authentic self with you when with you, then how can you ever be certain that you are truly loving the person you think you are? And can you be certain that you're even being your most authentic self either in these circumstances?
Once you understand why you're so strongly attracted to this person and you are also willing to make a change to allow yourself to choose whether or not you're willing to put up with this kind of behavior, you can regain your sense of self-worth and start to choose the kind of person that will appreciate all your great many qualities. And you will start to emanate such a positive energy that you can't help be attract quality person to choose from as well.
If you're not quite ready to start understanding yourself and what the attraction is with this person, strive to make a clean break from them. You know he's wrong for you and he's clearly made that painfully obvious to you by consistently exhibiting behavior that puts doubts in your mind about whether or not he's sleeping around. Don't mirror him or institute some sort of no contact rule whereby you will only end up getting back in touch with him because those rules are social constructs and will in the end not meet up to your expectations about helping you to get over him but instead only add more fuel to the fire.
If you're ready to make the first step, working with Jane might just be what you need to get free of the vicious cycle you're in with this guy and start yourself on a path to freedom and the ability to love yourself once again the way you deserve to be loved by another as well.
Happy holidays.
Eric
I know first hand that until you open your heart and mind and realize he is toxic you will not heal. Let go and move on. I had to do it after 4 years of loving a man who was a bad boy. I created my own private hell because I tried to hold on. When I came to terms with my own self love and realized I deserved so much better, it was the biggest relief in the world. I'm still not in a new relationship, but that's okay. I love myself and I know he's out there waiting. As for the bad boy, I'll let karma handle it.
Our Dearest Anonymous.
Girl i know how it feels when someone hurting you,using you,and taken you for granted we can't control people to do what they want to do either how sweet and good people we are but it is not your fault if you run away and choosing your own heart and stop letting this person do some EVIL THINGS all over again .when i read this article i hate that guy he reminds me my ex-boyfriend but still i know that deep in my soul i have a forgiven soul that'S why i let that feelings go..Girl stand for your Right Love you Self First i know how hard it but that's the only thing you need to do "STOP IT!" just "STOP IT"STOP LETTING THAT EVIL TO HURT YOU:(" JUST STOP IT! STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!PLEASE STOP IT!!!i know my comment is weird to begging you to STOP STOP IT but i don't want you to hurt more and letting that EVIL MAN to hurt you..Remember Anonymous you are never be ALONE!
Back again - you may find this helps because you are showing all the signs of depression - this is a simple but very true list and it has cute gifs 🙂 I hope Jane doesn't mind me putting the link here, it's not my site but I have been through what this girl is going through and this helped. Sometimes it gets a lot worse than just a simple break up - it suck out your soul.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexisnedd/things-nobody-tells-you-about-being-depressed#.vcRKNmzzb
You poor girl - the first one can often be a yo yo situation until you learn. Now is the time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and trying every plot twist to get him and hoping a miracle will happen. I know there will still be a pinch of hope but the best way to heal yourself is also the only hope you have. Imagine he has died ... or is married, anything that puts you in the right mental state to get on with living. Get busy! Do all you can to stay fit, learn new things, expand your mind, go out, set goals, watch comedies, enhance your looks in a subtle way, enlist the help of your family to help you be strong and stay focused on you and creating the life you've always wanted - after a month of this start dating - don't do it to show off to him - really get on with your life. If he has any character to him and a few years have passed he may learn also and you can run into him again but keep your guard up! For now - be your own best friend. Don't be played or treated as an option. If you were selling an apple would you tell the buyer it might have a worm in it? No ... that's what you are telling him, when you mope and accept any old crap he hands out - toughen up, love you and you will be a shining beauty. At this point it's your only hope anyway. Maybe get away on holiday, far away. Help yourself so others can help you too. Be strong, be proud of you and you'll make it. Happiness is a choice. Good luck
Dear Anonymous, falling in love is the sweetest thing that ever happens to us ladies. Sorry to say that you fell in love with the wrong person. Someone who daen't deserve you. He only needs you when he's bored! On friday night he's nowhere to be seen. What kinda person is that? He might have loved you in the beginning, fine. But it's now evident that the love he had for you faded away. Look, know what you want first, but I know you don't need that man in your life. You deserve to be happy. Stop holding on to something that's not yours. You can't read the same book over again and expext a different ending. The same way you can't keep on seeing that man and expect a different outcome. Come on sweet heart. Life's too short. Don't waste your precious time on some thing that's not worth.
All the best dear.
I do hope she will get over and cut him complete out of her life. I think most of us can identify with this so called first "love" thing. I use quotation marks, because as I have come to understand Jane's definitions of what love is, in her posts, I would call this "fairy tale love". As I read this story, I couldn't help but wonder, where are the parents in all this? Shouldn't parents have some kind of responsibility to teach their sons/daughters how to properly behave? or tell them, "you know this is just a phase and it's not the end of the world" before the daughter/son is getting involved too much. Just the impression I got from reading.
Dating is about finding out who you are and what your wants and needs and the person you are with. If a relationship does not work out it is only because you have different wants and needs. Not about what you did wrong or what the other person did wrong.
Look at each relationship as an opportunity to learn about yourself and what your wants and needs are. What did I learn about myself and how can I grow from this and be a better person. Sometimes you will date for 3 months and sometimes longer, but if you both know what your wants and needs are you will eventually find that person who matches you 🙂
Find that happy place you were in - you will love yourself more for it 🙂
So true, Charlene. So hard to see when we're in it, but so true. "Different wants and needs" - That's all!
I've been in this situation. The bad boys are hard to stay away from, but I think you should definitely let this guy go. He sounds like a loser, and he sounds very manipulative. You don't deserve to be treated like this at all. When you're in a healthy happy you shouldn't have to question the other person's faithfulness or worry about if they love you.
"When you're in a healthy happy [relationship] you shouldn't have to question the other person's faithfulness or worry about if they love you." - Precisely, Alysha. It's how you know!
🙂
"No one is worth this. No one".
A very poignant, comforting, supportive, true and empowering statement. Don't be afraid to remake your self image and build on the strength you will get from making yourself a priority and knowing you deserve it.
Exactly, Wayne. No one. Thank you for this.
I have been here. It was many years ago now but I was transported back while reading this and it made me cringe. The only advice I can offer you is to keep trying to let him go. Eventually, at least in my case, you will leave. I don't know if this will help you, but I would often put someone I loved dearly in my situation, such as my sister or my closest friend. I would imagine them dealing with the same things I was dealing with and try to think of what advice I would give them. When I realized that I was accepting treatment that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies, I knew I had to start taking better care of myself. We have one life, and no clue just how much time we have to waste with people that don't value us. I didn't want to waste any more valuable time chasing someone that made me feel terrible. I'm not saying this didn't take a long time. I stayed much longer than I should have, I put up with more than I ever imagined I would. But I left eventually. I slowly rebuilt my self esteem. It has been 10 years since that time and I spent much of it single. I've only now just met the most amazing person and he entered my life at a period of time when I am so certain of what I expect from another person in terms of treatment and respect. Everything Jane says makes sense. EVERYTHING. Make yourself a priority, give some time and attention to your dreams, pursue them and the life you want. When you step away from toxic relationships, like the one you are immersed in, it truly is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself. You will get over him. You will. He simply isn't the one. It's that simple. Do yourself a favor and love yourself enough to walk away in search of a stronger you. Allow yourself time and keep reading Jane's blog. I so wish it existed when I was where you are, I think it would have made things much easier.
"I would often put someone I loved dearly in my situation, such as my sister or my closest friend. I would imagine them dealing with the same things I was dealing with and try to think of what advice I would give them. When I realized that I was accepting treatment that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies, I knew I had to start taking better care of myself." - Thank you for sharing this, A; this is an exercise I always recommend. As you found out for yourself, it's so telling the irony of what we subject our own selves to that we would never in a million years want anyone else to experience!
Believe me, this one is easy! I was in the same situ once stuck with a bad boy for years. First we were friends, then did not talk to each other over a tiny musunderstanding for 3 years, then started dating then he wanted to be my bf, then we broke up and got back together like a dozen times. Then my friend told me he was after another girl., but it did not work out. Then he was practically after every girl he met. Nothing ever worked. Girls just were not taking him seriously anymore. Then he fell crazy in love with one of my friends, but she totally hated him enough to call the police on him. Then he was stalking me begging me to convince her. Andci honestly tried, but she only got mad. But he would not give up. Finally it got to the point where we both threatened each other that if one of us makes another attempt to contact again, the other would call the police. And it worked. I finally was so over him and so relieved. I started living normal life and dating other guys.
Ladies, do not be like me. Do not get it to that point where police has to get involved. Once you see for yourself the guy is a total loser and can not be a bf do not hope you can change him and ignore all your feelings for him. Let your gead guide you and help you spare your heart. Start dating other men, although I know at that time you might not want to. Think of other enormous possibiliyties. He is not the last man on earth even if you may feel like he is.
"He is not the last man on earth even if you may feel like he is." - Especially if you feel like he is!! Thank you, Nina!
What an experience for your first boyfriend. All I have to say I hope its the last boyfriend that you will accept this type of treatment from. He is a proverbial player and is honing his skills. As they say kick him to the curb there's a lot of world and life out there for you to enjoy and explore. When I knew for sure my ex was a liar etc. etc. the one thing that helped me was this saying "The truth sets us free". He is what he is, open your eyes see it, as long as he's getting what he wants he doesn't care who he hurts (and don't believe otherwise). For 2015 start your new life and please enjoy it don't waste any more of your time on him.
Thank you, Joan. "He is what he is" - Exactly. It's who people show themselves to be that we so need to believe!
Calm down & breathe.
You are not mentally sick or depressed. But you choose a guy , a relationship because you wanted love.
Now you are not telling the truth to yourself, this can make you sick or mentally ill. Because you are fighting inside. Stop the fight and choose truth.
Stop the victim role. He is for what he is, don't mind his buisness. Mind your buisness, which is you & your happiness!
Choose a new way, a unknown way. It is scarry, but much more healthy and shall give you happiness.
And don't forget, it takes time to heal your heart. To build a identity. But embrace it with calmness and gentle !
I was like you and was rough. Now after all these years and fears, I look at my younger self and would say to her
"calm down & do not be afraid, all will be well"
Bless you. Choose truth and love for you, and love and peace are knocking like little angels( Jane is a angel of mine, oprah, My dead grandma etc., my doggy etc.)
See the love around you, it ie not only in a "man/women"
It is in every cat, doggy, tree...
Beautifully said, Maris. Thank you so much for these words.
Love HEALS not HURTS. She deserves better. We all do.
Exactly, Jackie!