It never starts out this way. In fact, he may not even turn our head in the beginning.
But somewhere along the way, something changes.
When he starts pulling back, becoming emotionally unavailable, when we start sensing something just feels different, it takes over us - this need to do something, anything, but sit there and watch him slip away from us.
He promised us so much. We didn't expect to fall like this.
It didn't start out like this. But somewhere along the way, it happened. He kept trying to get our attention. He kept seeking us out until we decided to look over in his direction and notice him, too. After all, it must be the real thing if he keeps chasing after us like this, we think.
And then, for however many blissful days, weeks, or months, we live that fairy tale that became our reality, if only for a little while.
Until the non-fairy tale reality begins to set in.
We start to realize that something feels different.
He says that nothing has changed, but you can sense it. It’s a lingering feeling that comes and goes, right along with how he now comes and goes.
You want so much to believe him when he says it’s all in your head or that everything’s still the same. And you try.
But you can’t.
Because from somewhere underneath the surface comes that sense of knowing what you know, that you’re not crazy, that it’s not you, that something isn't right. It's just not the same.
You do always know.
And so it begins. The chase. But this time it's not him chasing you, it's you chasing him. We don’t call it that, and we don't even realize that we're doing it.
But we are.
We feel driven to get it back. Only we’re at a loss to understand what it is because we can’t quite put a finger on it until we don’t have it anymore. We just want it back to the way it used to be.
If we could only break it down, we’d see it for what it really is – that part of ourselves that we never quite had in us on our own, that part of us that we haven’t yet been able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.
It’s in that mirror that we caught a glimpse of ourselves like it was the first time we saw our true selves. It was an excitement we didn't have on our own. It was a passion we never had for ourselves. It was a belief in ourselves we never thought we had permission to hold.
And once we catch that glimpse, our lives are never the same again.
It’s why the chase begins.
He couldn't deliver. He thought he could, it excited him, too. But he’s big on the chase and not so big on the delivery where he has to follow through.
And that’s how you got here. In no man’s land.
There’s no going forward or back. Limbo. Trapped. He opened you up to a whole new way of looking at yourself, but without him there like he was, without that mirror he held up for you, you don’t know where to go from here. So we go to the only place we can. Back to him.
We try everything we can.
We make promises to ourselves and to him of what we can negotiate, even though we never can. We become what we think he wants us to become. More hip. More fun. More understanding. More sexy.
We check up on him through his family and friends. We analyze everything he says or does to try to figure out what we missed, what we can try again, and what we can do to change it all back to what it was.
We give him as much space as we can until we can’t bear it anymore. And then we try to show him how much we've changed, how much we've chilled out, how much we've come around to what he wanted us to be.
This is how we chase him.
The problem is, it’s not enough. For him or for you.
You can’t chase him enough to bring him back because it’s not your place to chase and it’s not his place to be chased.
He doesn't want to be chased.
Let’s put him aside for a moment and let him be himself. His journey isn't about you; it’s about him. The chase isn't about him, it’s about you. You’re not the chasing kind and you know it. It’s why it doesn't feel good to either one of you. It's why it just doesn't work.
There’s something else in here for you to see.
Remember that mirror? The one he held up to you so you could see yourself in the beautiful light of who you are if only for a glimpse in time?
It’s that mirror that compels us to chase after him, to try to get him back. To try to get it back to the way it was.
To get that piece that was missing within you, not him. That piece that enabled you to finally see yourself through the eyes of someone who saw something special in you.
You had something he wanted. Something attracted him to you; something drew him in. Made him excited, gave him a reason to become something different himself, at least for a while. Almost, but not quite.
He couldn't deliver when it came to the rest of the deal. The part beyond infatuation, the part beyond that initial attraction. The part that involves a committed relationship.
You couldn't get him there because it’s within himself, too.
You see, you're not so different, you and him. He thinks it’s someone outside of himself, too. Just like you do.
He thinks if he’s around your energy, your you, it will rub off on him too. Just like you think if you’re around him, it will rub off on you, too.
But it can’t either because the real thing isn't found outside of ourselves but within. He has to do his own work and learn how to make a commitment if he’s never been comfortable with commitment before.
And you have to do your own work and become comfortable in your own skin without someone doing it for you like you so want him to do.
It’s that mirror that you never quite understood before now, there was something to that mirror when you caught that reflection of you he showed you. You can’t just go back to the way things were before him. You know something more about yourself and you can’t just let it go.
And that’s why you can’t let him go.
You need him, or so you think.
It’s why you feel so lost without him. Because without him holding up that mirror, you wonder if you're even there.
And so in this lost place we find ourselves. We come face to face with the one person who we can pour all this energy of the chase into; ourselves. It’s how we find our way through.
We begin by taking all that energy we want to infuse into the chase to get him back, into the one place it’s really meant for: ourselves.
So stop chasing him. Start chasing you instead.
Go chase your dreams.
Go chase your hopes, your heart’s desires, your longings.
Chase them to the ends of the earth. And back. If that’s where you have to go to find yourself.
It’s those places you’ll know because you’ll recognize yourself there. Not in a reflection that anyone else has to hold up to you anymore, but because it’s what you’ll see for yourself. This time, you'll be holding up the mirror.
That’s worth so much more than anything he could ever have done for you.
How about you? Have you ever gotten caught up in the chase, trying to get things back the way they were? Share your story with us in the comments!
I was together with my ex for 14 years and three years ago. He had a psychotic break and since then I was there for them and tried really hard to give support and love in that time we got engaged and then he got sick again enrages then he was sick again and to be honest, I completely lost myself reading this article really unfortunately resonates I love him so much and he loves me but he basically broke up with me out of nowhere. he didn’t talk to me for three months and then we started to talk about it. He won’t see me face-to-face. He says the reason we’re not together is because he’s not handling his own life and he’s not okay and I tried my very very best and it’s just wasn’t enough and it does make me feel like I’m not enough and I am so confused and exhausted and just feel terrible about myself. The stress of this situation has taken almost all my energy. I have no idea who I am. I want to be back to who we were I am lost
This is not about you. Go back to where you were in place and time when you last remember seeing yourself as you and rebuild from there as if he never came back and you were on your own.
Wow, this really resonated with me. I'd been single and blissfully happy for such a long time when I met my bf. After 5 or 6 months, things changed and felt the tiniest bit off. When I tried to talk about it, he shut down and didn't bother to try and fix things. It made me crazy and I couldn't figure out why when I'd always been so happy alone. It was what I saw in that mirror he held up for me when he was making me feel loved and special. I wish it wasn't so hard to go back to finding your perfect self after you become reliant on that mirror. We're good again now, but I have to wonder for how long this time and need to remember my worth!
You sure do, Kay. This behavior ALWAYS makes us crazy! Not just you!
I have to say I was stuck in that chase mode just a few months ago. You see right before christmas he moved out on me. There was no warning or anything. I was texting and calling him and begging for him not to leave and give me one more chance. And as the weeks went by I was becoming more and more confident in myself. The more I started focusing on myself the better I started to feel. Now it has been almost 2 months and I may text him 2 maybe 3 times a day. I have finally gotten to where I am comfortable in my own skin. And I. Comfortable staying alone now. Well for the last week he has been putting in all the effort to contact me and he has come to see me. We have been spending more time together. He wants to come back but right now I want to finish working on myself. As he is working on himself. It really works. Thank you. I have been watching your videos for a couple months now.
Love that you're seeing the power of YOU here, Betty. This space you create when you stop chasing him is always how you find out what you have - and if it's worth you! So glad these are resonating with you!
I mean I used to have anxiety so bad I couldn't be by myself at night. Between anxiety and depression it was horrible. And especially being in an abusive relationships made everything worse. But now I actually started to acknowledge each negative thing in my head one by one and turned the into a positive. Sonos we are working on things. I have seen him everyday. Not by my initiation but his. We are well on our way. Thank you again.
Proud of you! ❤
Thank you for sharing your video, me and my ex had broken up this passed February. I've been grieving still and chasing him to try make things work. He keeps making excuses. Why he broke up with me. I was faithful and been their for him and his two little girls. I've been lost and confused. Like I wasn't good enough.In the beginning he was soo sweet and caring showing me love, then at the end he starts pulling away. I've been hurt before from my previous relationships , I'm just tired being hurt and used. That's my story.
Oh Ingrid, it breaks my own heart hearing you make this about you being good enough. Your worth has NOTHING to do with him!
This recently happened to me! I met someone that I fell for, and over 8 months he seemed to be less interested, spending less time with me. The more he was pulling away the more I was asking for more time. It ended up he would visit me once a week with no contact with me between. When I asked him to come to my birthday dinner party he said he wasnt feeling well, so I said "you've just been using me" That comment resulted in me being blocked, he refused to talk to me ..I became frantic trying to contact him so I gave up it's been 30 days now. It's been so hard ,as he said to me just a week earlier ..if he knew me before he would have married me and had a couple of kids.
This came at just the right time for me. I met Mike online, the first day between texting and phone call we talked just over 7 hours. The next day just on three phone over 6 hours. He commented on how much chemistry and connection we had right away and I agreed. It was surprising how fast we connected, it instantly felt like talking to an old friend. We made plans for a first date, the third day of knowing each other. The date went very well, ended with a lot of hand holding, staring into each other's eyes, lots of gentle and passionate kissing, some light caressing. Several times he said if we kept on we'd get in trouble if we didn't stop kissing, but then he'd kiss me some more. He walked me to the door, said he'd call later. Not until the next evening did he text and that was just a couple of texts, he apologized for not texting sooner, he had been busy all day helping a neighbour fix a broken water pipe. Then nothing for a couple of days. So I sent a text along if I had done something wrong or if he just wasn't t interested to please let me know. He replied back and said no I hadn't done anything wrong and he was interested in seeing me but just wanted to take things slow (he just separated from his wife of 17 years this June, because she was having an affair, but he said they hadn't even slept in the same room for almost 6 years so this was a long time coming). I said ok I thought taking things slow was a good idea to. A week goes by and nothing I send a text skiing if we could talk even just a few mins, he said yes and before I could even call him he wss already calling me. We only talked 10 mins because he was busy, but he seemed really happy to talk to me and said he wanted to go out again soon., and that I could call anytime. I called the next evening, no answer. Called two evenings later no answer. Again called and left a voice mail (I had hung up after 5 rings when I called the other times, this time I waited longer and voice mill picked up on 6th ring) left a text message to. Called again the next day, same thing, left a voice mail. Sent a text asking him to please call me, that I was kind of confused, we seemed to really get asking great and enjoyed being together and that I was all for taking things slow but we did at least need to communicate. Still no response from him. I sent him a message last night skiing him to please just call me and let me know what was going on. If it he was interested but needed more time before seeing someone that I was willing to wait for him because I thought he was a great guy or if he just didn't like med to just tell me. Mining no response.
I'm still not sure what happened or why he just went from talking to me a lot and seemed so interested to then poof gone. I'm so confused.
It happened just 2 weeks ago. A guy from work contact me through messaging. I knew his name but that was all. I asked him what he wanted then he started telling me i was beautiful and sexy and i had a hot body. I told him i was 57 yrs old he said You dont look older than 40 tops. He is 27 he asked to see me outside work he said he could help me through my divorce and that he only likes older women. I told him i was old enough to be his mother. After 3 days of following me around at work and alot of sexy messages. I told him all of this was too much for me right with my divorce and all. Now he wont even say hi to me in the hallway. I must admit i miss the attention but i won't go after him. I need to love me first.
Hi Jane
Am struggling after my relationship of 3 months has just broken up
My boyfriend has been very stressed finding his 93 mum a care home then after having great times together no fights or arguements , broke up
With me with no warning. So heartbroken, fell for him big time what should I do?
With me it was different this time. I met this man in April. We had a day and night together. It was magical. We clicked as soon as our eyes met. Great conversation, laughter, flirting and just a great connection. We walked around holding hands or arm and arm. We spent the night together. More magic. The kissing was endless.
He texted me 2 days later and the day after that. Then he asked me to come to his house, see where he lived, meet his sons. They are grown and live on their own. We all got along great. I stayed the night with him. Even more magical than before.
Since then I've spent a lot of time at his place. Almost every weekend. And we've gone away for a few days together.
Always wonderful.
But I'm finding that most of the communication is now down to me. I always am the one who messages or texts or calls. He always answers of course. But it still feels like it's me doing the work.
If I don't text for a day or two, he'll usually text me.
2 months ago he told me he loved me.
This threw me and I felt a bit off balance. I liked him so much. I would go as far to say that I was already in love with him. Still, hearing him say those words tilted my world a little. I felt like everything changed immediately. It scared me. I had already told him that I just wanted to enjoy what we had without putting a label on it. And without any expectations. But the moment he said those 3 little words, it all changed somehow.
I do love him. But I also realise that being invested now makes me scared.
So I have started texting him more. And he answers, but I suppose I'm expecting him to declare his love for me 24/7 now. It's crazy I know.
I made it so clear that I never want to be married again. And now I find myself wondering why he hasn't mentioned marriage!
I feel officially insane. Love has made me crazy. I still don't want to be married. But I keep wondering why he isn't insisting on it! So I feel like I'm now texting him too much and too often. I miss the way he pursued me in the beginning. And though I know I should stop texting so much and allow him to do some of the work, I can't seem to stop myself.
I feel like I'm addicted!
Yes, men love the chase. But they also love catching you. Why do they feel like they don't have to try as much once they have you?
Women thrive on the effort they show. Why can't they understand that?
Why does it have to feel like a game of you show me something and I'll reciprocate?
And why does it end up feeling so one sided?
Currently, I am wrapped up emotionally in a man I met once and we had completely open and honest communication for a couple of weeks. Then he stopped texting, absolutely fell off the radar. It has been a week since I spoke with him and I keep stopping myself from texting or emailing him. I am lost and very disappointed and I just don't know what to do. I really like him.
Do whatever you need to do to give yourself the information you're looking for, Neva. You'll reach a point where this becomes clear to you that he's either on the same page as you and looking for the same thing with you as you are with him, or he isn't. And just to be clear, that's the only way you want him. Of course you like him - but make sure you like this - the fell off the radar side of him that stops everything for at least a week - side of him, too!
As I sit here, about to repeat the same chasing behavior, I asked why? And I found this article that described me exactly. I want his attention so badly that I chase him and ultimately chase him....Away!
It's hard not to text him. Afterall, he came calling back. He is chasing. Let him chase. The first thing he liked of my posts was a meme about being smart and pretty and independent.
Tie the hands down. Stop obsessing, and let the lion approach at his pace. My lack of reaching out, might just be what feeds his needs.
Thank you
So glad you stopped long enough to ask why, Suzanne. You've got this and yes, that's the first step to finding out what he does with that space. Let it come from him!
Wow!
This article is exactly about me.
I noticed for a while that the love I gave myself, I started to give that to help us get back to how things use to be. Like giving 150% and him 50% thinking it will help him put the other 50% and return to my 100%?
I didn’t do the little things for myself anymore because for some reasons, my energy was going towards him. I feel dumb of this because I can’t seem to understand how,why, what got me here.
Now that I walked away because he wasn’t able to commit to the natural blossoming of our relationship, I finally see myself in that mirror and realized what happened to me....
Maybe I need confirmation from what I understood from this article. If we both focus and love ourselves first without expectations from the other person to do for us, then this will allow us to be “how things use to be?”
That's it, Armando!
Hi Jane!
I have found myself in this position on countless times. But now I’ve realized that it’s all about me not about him. It’s about finding who I am: my life, my happiness, etc.
Now just by reading this, it has taken my motivation to a whole new level.
Thank you !
This article put me in the image of what I am currently experiencing. All my life I have been chasing behind love ones and now I decided to stop and no one is speaking to me. Each day it gets hard and it hurts but I am trying to reach my goal of loving self and putting myself first since I have always put others before me and my happiness.
Thanks Jane for this write up, yes in deep I have fall a victim of this circumstance . It's not easy dealing with emotions most especially wen u know u re trapped. Your write would help a great deal.thanks so much
I'm sorry, but not sure my comment went through to you! I met a repairman at my house 4 yrs ago. He would stop by once in a while. After my other friend "dumped" me he came to my rescue. Would see him now and then but he works 7 days a week. Saw him a few weeks, he disappeared, saying he "liked me too much." A yr goes by. Suddenly he texts me. Seen him over past two months. Very affectionate but never kiss or sexual. Massages, yes, jet skiing, yes. Told me that's as far as it goes. That's fine by me - for now. My other friend once more (for last time) "dumped" me so he comes around. Taught me to dance for my son's wedding last week. He is so kind and would help me with anything. He is so kind but yet sporadic. I haven't been attracted to someone like him in 12 years and feel strong chemistry. But something is missing. Should I expect him to always text, talk to me, or just give him space? See him like once or twice a week - more than saw my other friend. I work a lot, too, but still want more of him in my life! Thank you.
If he wanted to see more of you, he would, Lisa. He'd be contacting you more, initiating more, making sure there was no doubt you knew how he felt about you. If he isn't doing these things, he's showing you with his actions what works for him. You can always casually tell him you'd love to see him more if you need to see for yourself if anything might change, but the most important question for you is whether or not who he is and what he's showing you works for you.
My boyfriend of 12 years begged me to move in with him last summer. We got our apartment in October. In March I had to ask him to leave because of lies and cheating. He pursued me non stop and even though I was seeing someone else, I went back to him. He was not allowed to move back in. For the 1st month all was good. Now it's back to the same old stuff.
I never felt so alive so excited or energized about life until I met him. I had more fun in our first summer than all my summers combined. It was intoxicating just to be in the same room with him. When it ended it ended badly. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt lost, I felt depressed and damaged beyond belief. It's been over a year since he decided to vanish. Thank you sooooo much. You lifted the fog. I get it!!!! The mirror thing. Now I finally understand why. I feel calm now. It wasn't him it was what he showed me about myself that I never knew was a part of me. Now that I know that exists I can share "that" with someone who is a kinder, sweeter, and unafraid to embrace love.
That was me in the past, not anymore. I’m so focused on my likes and wants that I can tell right away when something doesn’t feel right and I just walk away, without any struggle. Just because I’ve learned I can’t stay anymore. The only problem is that I’m tired of walking away over and over. It seems that the good guys are all taken and there’s only garbage left.
I’m so proud of me for having learned how let people go without hurting anymore, but still I keep attracting the wrong guys and I don’t know when it’s going to change.
I do want to be in a healthy relationship but for now I’m better off by myself as all I got so far are men that don’t treat me like I want and deserve and I can’t take this crap anymore.
Well, here my advice for the women who are still chasing and settling for important things. There’s no better feeling than knowing there’s always someone taking care of you... yourself!
This feeling gives butterflies in the stomach and takes you to a secure and safe place all the time. How do you get this feeling? Saying NO, when you dint get what you deserve. Just start doing that and keep doing it... maybe in the beginning you’ll still feel heartbroken, but with time you’ll grow stronger and feel a relief when you stand up for yourself.
Hi, I've been seeing this widower for almost 8 months now, but he always wants to say we are best friends instead of being in a relationship. He says hes not ready for a relationship, but always came over at least 2 times weekly. We would always have a good time chatting & then afterwards have some of the best sex I've ever had. We are both 65 years old. His wife passed away a 1. 5 yard ago. We talk about her sometimes & I'm ok with that. 30 years ago he was married to my ex husband's sister. So we've know each other for over 30 years. They had 3 children together. I think he has a hard time with this. I also knew his wife that passed away.
During all these years he had always wanted to go out with me but I couldn't because he was always in a marriage & I wont do that to anyone.
9 months after his wife passed I met him again, this time he asked me out again. So since he wasn't committed to anyone I accepted. He was here at my home last Thursday crying about his life & how nothing would ever be the same because his late wife always took care of all there Bill's & everything, how his grandkid & great kids dont even know him & what to do to change that. I was very considerate & tried to talk to him & give him good advice. He told me he he loves me with all his heart, & respects me. Then on Saturday he sent me a text & told me he needs some time for himself to focus on his life. Said he will text me that we need to talk. This was a week ago today. I text him back & told him, that's fine, take all the time you need. What should I do about this? I'm confused. I haven't heard from him at all since. Please give me some advice.
Its so true offcourse. I am keeping myself so frustrated at the moment. This guy , i feel who has a heart for a change instead of being a jerk and emotions. We broke up cause he wasnt ready and afraid he could not give me kids like i want. I am a bit older so i cant wait forever. I started determined but our love growed and we kinda came back and see eachother. It felt peaceful and loving. And still. He had a few past relationships that where bad. I can understand his past, i have one myself. Its no problem. I stood up for myself and his always coming back and not getting over me thing. So i was strong. Since he is scared or whatever reason he has i thought i can take of pressure and just be there or just go away. In this moment after three month back he is asking me when i am comming back to azia, cause i was planning. I was joking to stay at his place and he keeps on saying that he wants it but is afraid it aint a good idea. I drives me nuts and guys tell me i need to take of pressure and just go there and just make a desicion for him. I told him that i am comming back and that if we meet or not js perfectly fine. He always gives me two sentences and then he is gone again. It gets me mad now. So offcourse i need to run,,,, thats in the back of my head. And then j am so curious what will happen if i just go there and be there. I totally feel stupid at the moment. I actually asked him what to do to get a decent converstation, buy a hammer and smack him ? What can i do to not get frustrated in this and givr my power away all the time?i first tought j just go there and i will take the risk. I need to go anyway. But now more and more i get upset and feel like he is a waist of my time. And yet the only man i truly had love with😭
Ask yourself why he's worth it, Maaike. Why him? You do have your own beautiful power. You do have the right to decide whether who he is and how he behaves towards you is working for you. Don't give that away to him or anyone else. It's the indecision and fear of making the wrong choice or not doing the best thing when you can't see the future from where you are right now, that makes you feel so powerless. Don't wait for him to make a decision that's yours to make. Do you what you need for yourself to get the information you need so you can make a decision you can actually live with. What is love really if this - all of this with him - is what you're calling love? Either change your definition and accept him for who he is and make peace with it, or move on to find your actual definition of love. It's only as complicated as we make it. If someone loves you, they choose you. If you love someone, you choose them. A healthy, loving relationship based on real love is where you choose each other.
This video is spot on, at least for me. Someone from my past came back and told me they never got over me. They reminded me of the me I was in my late teens before a series of family deaths devastated me. Then of course, he bailed - twice. Letting him convince me a second time that he was back forever still disappoints me in myself, but the reason was that mirror. Because he made me feel strong beautiful and confident, and I hadn't felt that in many years.
I know he did me a HUGE favor by bailing, because it would not have lasted. I walked out on him after high school and before those deaths, and in reality, I would have done it again. Because after the newness wore off, I would have seen the same narcissist I dated in high school.
I met a guy about 5 years ago. He added me on Facebook and not knowing who he was but seeing we had a few mutual friends I messaged him to see what was up. He told me he remembered seeing me in the college cafeteria but being too shy to talk to me. After a few weeks of talking we decided to go on a date. He picked me up at my place and we went to eat. Things werent awkward and we had good.conversation over dinner. Then we ended up driving around for a few hours talking about ourselves. Our likes and dislikes, our wants in life and what we wanted in a partner. The night ended with a goodnight kiss and then we continued talking until we fell asleep. The next week or so we continued talking and really seemed to click. He was the first guy I was truly interested in in almost 2 years and everything seemed right. Well one night he decided to ask me to.be his girlfriend over text but wanted to make it official on our next date which he did with a bouquet of roses. I was the happiest I had ever been. When I finally met his.parents they decided they didn't like.me which put some tension on our relationship. He started pulling away and we started fighting and the relationship end up ending . I was crushed..I was falling in love with this guy and he left me in the dirt because his friends and family told him to. A few months later he messaged me asking if we could start over. I was so.shocked I almost dropped my phone..I had almost gotten to the point where he rarely crossed my mind which was saying alot after how badly I had been hurt by the ordeal. After talking for a few weeks I finally convinced him to go on a date with me. after dinner we went for a drive and he asked me to be his again. I said yes because that's.all I had ever wanted. he told.me that what happened before wasn't going to happen again and that he wanted be with me regardless of what happened. I had my anxieties and suspicions throughout the relationship just because of what happened before and I had a gut feeling to go along with it. Well push came to shove and and ended up ending the relationship again and this time he said he was done. After telling me he loved me and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him , he left me broken for a second time. He didn't even have the courage to do it to.my face. Both times dumping me over a text. I so badly wanted to be with him because I loved him but that wasn't enough. Calling me clingy and over emotional because I have an anxiety disorder that he had known about the first time. I wish he would have never come back into my life because I am more broken than ever and hes out happy as a clam looking for his next lover.
aww this was painfu - i knw you learned something from the ordeal i am sure.... regardless pls do not be hard on yourself
I generally just read and leave.. some connect some dont, some are cliche. But your pages are so down right bullseye!.. how do you know how I feel???. I have a sense of calmness after I read your pages. Thank you very much 🙂
Because I feel you and everyone who's walking where I've walked, who's been where I've been, Rolly. Our paths may be different but the feelings - our very real feelings - are the same. And that peace is why I'm here. That you feel it too shows the depth of our ability to feel, to heal, and to feel again like we never have before! There is such hope to be found in your ability to feel like this. I'm honored you're here. Thank you for inspiring me!
I can't even put into words how much this article shot through my soul and opened my eyes. So well written, so true and so exactly what I needed right now. Thank you. Thank you so much for this blog and especially this article. I am finding my self respect again and it feels amazing.
You're so welcome, Anne. I'm honoured you found your way here and are finding what you need to find you again! Thank you for your beautiful words. Keep us posted. This is just the beginning!
Reading all the above and having had a similar experience, and truly believing I have my self esteem in tact...and do focus on myself and my dreams...what does it mean when you haven't moved on in 2 years, he left for another girl, as she was in the country he wanted to be at the time, and the only problem left holding me back from moving on...which I know I need to..is my gut says so strongly he is coming back to me and is the one...is that some sort of delusional trick of the mind ? or could it be real ?
i learned this painful lesson recently. i so badly wanted to be with this man who chased me but then stopped. and worse he started chasing another. the feeling of rejection was overwhelming. i had starved down to a size 8 and exercised everything i could to prove i was worthy. it was in vain. now at the end of it all i realise he taught me some very important lessons. the main one being not to look at another to fulfil me and go live out my dreams and direct my own life. something i had not been doing. and didnt realise .
Chasing is fun, then you have him. And your like" is this it" .. I had this summer the chase him experoence.
It was so exciting and desperado... and then you have him, you get to know the real him.
You feel the most stupid women on earth, becaused the reality hits in.
He is not what you thought, i was chasing an illusion!
And why, I was not open for a real man who can offer true friendship and love. I was too scared, so I chased somebody i thought in my fantasy was great( unavailable man meaning scared)
This is exactly how I feel, the need to chase him. I feel there's just so much for us, something keeps telling me not to let go. Thank you so much, this is an eye opening.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Ruth. Find out why you feel "there's just so much for us", and what the reality is for you behind this "something" that "keeps telling me not to let go". That's where you'll find your real answers, whatever they are. Because we always see what we need to see when we're ready to. And that's why we find the words that resonate with us like they do. 🙂
Jane, is it possible to be too available and have that be a turn off for a guy (i.e. Always answering the phone when he calls, never turning down dates)?
Hi, Anne. I think being too available has more to do with the fact that you are not focusing too much on yourself but rather too much on him. You don't have to play games, though. What I mean is not to make yourself immediately available just because he called. It's more about you being authentic instead of rearranging your life to accommodate him. Of course you can do as your heart tells you and if the guy is right for you, it won't matter if you happen to have always time for him.
I guess what I am trying to say and what I have learned from Jane and my own experiences is that we need to focus always much more on ourselves than on the guy we are dating. Time for each of our hobbies and for ourselves keep us from obsessing over a guy and handing him too much power over our self worth.
Love how you put this, Angel. Thanks for jumping in for me! 🙂
Hehe. Thank you, Jane. I am trying to be the best student I can be to break these patterns that are already too painful for me to carry on with. It has been so difficult to break away from victimhood and from detrimental beliefs. Sometimes I catch myself in the act going back. It is sort of automatic how I do this. I need tons of practice and much more introspection. The good news is I already spot emotionally unavailable men somehow quicker. Hopefully I can stay clear of those.
I can't thank you enough for so much inspiration and for your love put into your advice for us. Big hug, Jane.
There's a huge difference between being hard to get - and thus not always readily available - and playing hard to get. If a guy's turned off by just how available you are - and this is genuinely who you are that you always answer the phone when he calls and never turn down dates - then that would be a red flag for me personally that you weren't both on the same page and looking for the same type of relationship.
In my experience and that of others who went on to committed relationships or marriage, it's always been the ones who weren't compatible with us in the ways that matter who were turned off by our being genuinely available, while the ones who we ended up marrying were the ones who had no problem and were actually glad that we were as excited about them as they were about us. Hope that helps!
Hi Jane
I am currently dating a man and so far its going great. I'm keeping my eyes open for red flags and even having dialog with him regarding things that have hurt me in the past. He is very open to this dialog with me. He's been hurt in the past as well. I feel very comfortable and safe with him. Especially since I have been my most honest authentic self. It feels great.
I got a sweet message from him Sunday morning "I'll pick you up at ten for breakfast" not a question a statement. Felt good knowing he had that confidence in seeing me that morning. I had merely suggested it the night before when we spoke on the phone because he had family duties in the afternoon so we wouldn't be seeing each other.
So glad you're experiencing this, Jennifer. Thanks for the update. I love hearing from you!
Thank you Jane. I'm truly grateful to have this community of like minded people sharing experiences. It makes the "getting through" easier.
I can take away a little something from almost every blog post and the following comments. Sometimes I go back through for reference.
Keep loving our beautiful selves.
and gracious, Jane, I'm glad you're here.
Thanks, Jennifer. That was beautifully said. 🙂
This speaks to me a lot. I know deep down, that it is that mirror that made me feel good about myself that I am chasing and not the person. I'm not sure what to chase instead, but I sure as hell hope I find it soon.
Ms.jane
its very true "Pleasing people who don't want to be with you is such a painful and wasted of time..sometimes we need to accept the Reality and stop waisting your time on a wrong person..
Jane its been a 3 month since this young boy hurt me and abandoned me it cause me a lot of pain and hard time.. just to re-strength myself he never knew how much he hurt me he left me and disappeared without any explanation i know its still fresh situation because its only 3 months since this man left me but Thank God i keep moving for chasing my own Life.
Jane i just want to ask that i know i'm acting so stupid because i message this young boy and tell him that i trying so hard Forgive him because i ask for the Forgiveness of the Lord for all the sin that I've done i'm doing this because i don't want to leave my life in regrets i'm humbly message him for the Last time after 3 months without contacting him ..i deactivate all of my contacts because i want to help myself and give myself a rest for all this stress and pain that he cause then after 3 months i feel much more better that last few months...Jane i know i message him because i want to tell him that i forgive him because i don't want to carry this Un-forgiveness Souls Forever..and maybe because i chasing him? what ever the reason Ms.Jane i know that I'm doing this because i know that deep in my heart i am a Good person and I forgive him because i love him that is not mean i want to be with him again..after i message him 2 days later he response me and this is what he said " i still love you..its not easy to be happy without you..i miss you"....when i read this message Jane i know he never change he still a young boy an immature boy that i met Long time ago he still the Young boy who want to chase Girls then drop them after he get what he wants..i feel sad because he never say sorry for what he done he still keep playing and doing he's old way of playing then after that i never answer his message....i don't know whats on his mind but i don't care no more..i don't know why he hurts me then he keep saying that he still love me..i keep praying for his Soul ...sometimes i want to see him suffering and punish for what he's done to me but i know its not Good that's why i keep praying so that Satan never gets my mind to Think any evil ways...i watched EAT PRAY LOVE and it helps me a lot....Jane i still keep moving on with my life but i do believe that if i know what i need to stand for there is a Right Man for me...thank you very much for your Time and Help...
Jane how long i keep waiting to forget this Immature Man? i know you know how much it hurts..thank you again..
I do know how much it hurts, Kristine. And how much we can believe there's something wrong with us that we can't see so clearly what everyone else seems to be able to see. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not "stupid", you're a beautiful sweet soul that can't understand why he's behaving this way - and the reality is he may not even know himself.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for him or anybody else. Don't give your power away by going after him to let him know you've forgiven him. There is no fear around whether you forgive or don't forgive. There is only the effect it has on you, to let go to release yourself from someone who has this hold on you. There is no "right" way to do this. There is no "right" time frame for getting over someone who meant so much to you, who you banked so many of your hopes and dreams on, even if underneath it all you know this is someone who isn't able to give you what you so deserve. Take out all the fear you're feeling and see what becomes clear to you then. Don't put all this pressure on yourself to get over someone when you're not there yet; we do this by taking it one baby step at a time.
I loved this article Jane! I laugh when I look back and think of all the ways I tried so hard to try to fit in get them to want me, chase me like they did in the beginning and the more I did this and chased than the more they would pull away! Like you said they don't want to be chased!!! I have wasted so much time and energy on NOT the one.
It's really hard to not chase especially when you start to fall for someone who starts pulling away and perhaps has lost total interest in you.
I believe with experience and wisdom you just need to trust yourself enough to know if it's the right one if it's meant to be for your highest good then it really doesn't matter what you say or do they will be there for you on the same journey
There are a lot of emotionally unavailble people and no matter what you do it will never be enough, I suppose I have learnt to truly believe you deserve a more spiritual experience and connection
To not chase but just let things be and that I will be ok no matter what the other person does or does not do!
"I have wasted so much time and energy on NOT the one." - Oh how I hear you, Rosy! So glad you're seeing this for yourself and this is all resonating so much with you. You absolutely deserve so much more than being in a position of never feeling like you can ever be enough. This is never how real love is, no matter how much we may try to convince ourselves otherwise; you always, always know!
Hi Jane....I am completely convinced that you somehow have my life bugged! lol every email that you share has, in one way or another, a part of my struggle in it! Thank you for helping me to keep my head, or heart, above water! I so appreciate you!!
Thank you, Monie. You're so sweet. 🙂 I'm so glad to be able to be here in this way for you!
My situation is so completely different than any other and I can't even find a website or chat site about it. You really help put things into perspective for me, and so many others, in so many ways. So blessed to have found your site. Truly appreciate your words.
I'm so glad you've found your way here, Monie. And thank you for your kind words. You're never, ever alone in what you feel, in what you're going through, in how it affects you. I'm so blessed to have you here.
I'm not chasing any one any more if they want to be with me then they can chase but it will take a lot that's for sure.... the last guy I fell for played games I don't want to play games that's for kids and teenangers I'm to old for that..
You've got it, Lacy!
I can totally relate to this article and everything else that you write. It's so crazy, it's as if you know exactly what im goin thru. I'm in a relationship that's not goin anywhere and i can't take it. I've never in my life experienced a relationship like this yet I can't let it go. At least not yet. Thank you so much for all that you do jane. I love reading your articles cuz I can relate to all of them and it helps realize things that im still denying. Hopefully one day it will be better and I can move on...
It will happen for you, Danielle! Don't fight where you're at. It can't overnight, and it never happens as quickly as we put on ourselves that it "should". When it's time to do something different, you'll know - because nothing else will be ok with you! One step at a time, remember that. I know because I've been there far too many times before, and it will be the same for you one day when you look back and reflect on this season of your life and realize you, too could trust yourself, the process, this beautiful woman known as you. When we're really done, when we're really ready to do something different, it becomes so clear!
This came just when I needed it. I want to stop myself from chasing but it’s just so hard!
Been dating a guy for 9 months - he did not even turn my head when we met - but won me over with his charm and sweet words. After a divorce and then years of dating and not feeling the slightest interest in anyone, this guy made me want to be in a relationship again!
It was wonderful and fun every time we were together but little by little I started to feel the distance, no more flirty texts, no more spontaneous compliments.
We were supposed to travel for the holidays together. I opened up and told him I was so excited - that I really liked him and was looking forward to it. Chase over .... I think that was the nail in the coffin
A week ago he told me he was getting out of town - and he really did travel to a remote village - to take a breather and figure out some stuff going on in his life (he’s in his 50s, self-employed with limited options, etc). He’d be in touch in a week when he got back..... every day of the past week has been agonizing, waiting for a text or call that never came. Last night I just couldn’t fight it anymore and sent a text to say I’d been thinking about him and just wanted to say hello. Nothing, no reply since ... I am heartbroken
The mirror analogy resonates. I thought it was him, and I wanted so much to make it work with him. But he’s shown me who he really is. And maybe shown me the me I can be.....
Why does this always have to be so hard. Losing faith .... thanks for listening.
It's only hard because we're with the wrong men, CL. Don't lose faith. He's not worth taking that away from you. He's one guy. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but remember, this isn't about you. Don't take it all on you. When you see someone like this for who he is, remember who you are. Could you really ever be truly compatible with someone who behaves like this? Seriously, no reply at all? Go back to the why of what about him made you want to be in a relationship again. Why him? That's your clue. Follow it. Why him?
I always say I'll give it a try and maybe he'll change his mind but I've learned that whether it's a long term or short term relationship, you get the result of how they react about your chase. I've chased this guy who's my age, that I had a long term relationship with and I know it has lowered my self-esteem and yet wanted to chase him to get him back and tried to find out what I did wrong? We got back together several times to work things out but it just came to a point that we have our own reasons not to be together and at the end we still talk to each other but just as friends now. Got into a short term relationship with an older man and fell for him but he was busy where work and success come first for him and I know he wanted to tell me about this for a while but we're both holding on that hurt me at the end when one day he called me saying that I am a sweet, kind and thoughtful person and just don't want to hurt me so let's just keep in touch! I stopped chasing him but I know in the fist place that I should have not even entered this one and I agree with you Jane.. that the mirror he held for me showed me that I have to be a strong woman that I should be...and am still trying though, one day at a time.. loving myself!!
We all want to believe "maybe he'll change his mind", Elle. Come join the club of the most loving, caring, giving, understanding, forgiving women in the world. 🙂 One day at a time, it's how we do it. Remember to love ourselves, to accept where we are and what we're truly looking for underneath yet another "type" that failed to meet our expectations. You're beautiful, Elle - don't waste what you've got on someone who can't appreciate it because they can't or won't. Either way, you deserve so much more!
Thank you Jane! It's always nice to hear how sweet you are and feel how you really cared about people:)
Thank you, Elle 🙂
I have to confess I have been a chaser (needy)...I was chasing him for his time. money, energy, affection and acceptances just to name a few!! The day he told me "I do not want to be in a committed relationship". It hit me that I was doing the chasing instead of him chasing me. It took me awhile to get my self together and started chasing what I wanted to do as study for my CAP certification, get healthy physically and mentally, volunteer and developing friendships of my own. Not that I am being spiritual....the Bible does say, HE who finds....not SHE who finds. Stay Safe and BLessed!!
Love hearing how you discovered this for yourself, RealDavis. There is nothing you can't do when you set your own beautiful wheels in motion in the direction of what makes you feel happy, alive, and free!
Yes, Jane I was there. Things changed. I did not know why. I chased. Ideas of things we could do, places to go, friends to visit. Get portraits, travel, movies to see, wine bars, picnics. She still seemed distant in spite of how hard I chased. So, I started to make plans for just me. I could not get things back. She broke up with me. My friends say that I did my best and should feel good about that instead of the guilt of not trying. But the cold reality of it not being enough stayed with me for a long time. Life has allowed me to no longer have this always in front of me and somewhat put it behind. But as you seem to say, being true to ourselves is the only way to live. But in spite of the faulty belief that it is men that need to be the chaser, I never will again. It would need to be mutual. Even if I thought we were on the same page because people are always turning pages.
I hear you, Wayne. Your friends are right; you did your best with someone who couldn't receive because she wasn't there. A different person would have loved you for it because they would have been able to. Yes, there will always be the individual person behind the common cultural stereotypes and there will always be exceptions to any rules. Knowing where you stand and what you want and what you can live with and what you can't is how you empower yourself to accept nothing less.
Yes i've always been caught in a chase of guys, this time last year i was in a chase, i wanted him more so i could get to know him more n would've liked to see him more but since he is a window cleaner for businesses n musician he is very busy around this time - New Years n gets Jan 15 off. i dreamed of him as a BF n hoping my dream come true, he doesn't get much time to talk to me on FB back the time n he's 1 of men that say he will let me know when to talk
around last Dec i was obsessed with him n couldn't stop talking about him to my circle n family n ppl would tell me to STOP talking about him they would get annoyed n felt like if i stop i won't have anything to talk about
4 feb 14 he tells me he wants to be left alone n not hassle him on FB and last sep - dec he was interested me n then he slowly drifted away making it difficult for me. so i left him alone til his birthday 10 Jul 14 and i gave him birthday wishes n he said thanks... and i still leave him alone til 22 Dec 14 to give Xmas greetings
Over the weekend 1 of my girl friends tagged me in a comment on FB which was his post saying where he's gonna play n i think she tagged me so i can know about it and she doesn't know anything about how my friendship ended with him in Feb and i think she's trying to get me back with him but i'm gonna stick to giving him a Xmas msg. so in the end i didn't go n see him perform coz i didn't wanna stalk or chase him n i don't want him to see me otherwise had i turned up he would be awkward n think "What the, Why is she there etc"
all i want is the boys to chase me n pop the Q on wiil u be my partner n i say yes rather than me doing all the work in chase n asking
this guy is at the back of my mind at the moment.
You deserve someone who is so excited to see you, Courtney, who would never think of questioning "why is she there etc.", but would respond with "I'm so glad she's here!"
thank you so much Jane for this wonderful article. As I read it, it brought back memories of the only time I have fallen prey to chasing a man I loved very much. After so much suffering I was able to put myself together and am now doing what you said at the end of the article, I'm chasing my dreams. And I couldn't be happier now.
Thanks for all your great advice!
"I'm chasing my dreams" - I'm so happy to hear this, Laura! And you're always so welcome 🙂
So true. I have been chasing all my life. It is so exhausting. It drains me, it sucks me dry. What's worse is that I wasn't even aware that I was holding this belief: if I don't go after what I want, it won't come to me. That is half true and doesn't apply to relationships. It is a bit hard to understand, but I'm taking steps in that direction. Another trap I fell into was the infamous "mixed signals". Ha. Mixed that are not mixed at all! Mixed signals means he's just not interested and right for me. Thank God I finally came to understand that. Now I just have to put this into practice. Do not accept emotionally unavailable men. That is the most logical step that comes to mind right now. And do not chase period. I struggle a bit with that one but I am hopeful I get to graduate from this pattern at last. I am really ready to get out of this vicious circle. I've had it with so much bs I have allowed into my life.
I understand so well that belief system, Angel. There is a difference. And that you're seeing it and recognizing it, is huge. It's not that it's not there now, it's not that we already don't have everything within us already, it's that we don't see it. It's that we have to relearn our natural state of being before we were told we had to be something different from what we were, before we came to believe there was something wrong with us. It's why this seems so foreign; how can it not when most of us have no recollection of such a way of being?!!
Thank you, Jane. I have looked at myself very objectibly and I have decided to grow up and be responsible for my experiences. I have decided to stop blaming myself, my family, these men, culture, etc. It is a tough step, but I need to take it. I need to own my life and tend to my needs. I have a lot of work to do getting in touch with my own needs, my own dreams and just get my beautiful behind moving. I acknowledge the fact that I do not want an immature, childish man around me, so I have decided to stop being immature and childish myself. I have decided to own up to things. I unwittingly have created everything and I am glad because I know I am preparing for my own journey. It hasn't been easy to look at myself so clearly and to catch myself beating myself up or excusing myself. But it is so worth it. I know that pain, fear, self doubt and low vibration feelings are part of life and I accept those. I do so because I want more and the best. Thank you so much for being there. I will keep posting with my moods and realizations and break downs haha. It has been tremendously therapeutic. Hugs and kisses.
Love how you've described this process, Angel. I get you 🙂
Wow! Sounds like the story of my life! I have either been attracted to or always seem to attract unavailable men. Sometimes, even the guys that I am not too interested in myself. I'll give them an honest chance because at the time they seem interested and they also become unavailable. Just like you, I am exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically! I need to put my energy somewhere else or not allow myself to be too invested until I feel a man in investing in me! How do you break a pattern you've had for years?
Is it a mental thing? You know like attracts like? Law of Attraction? Do I put too much importance on romantic relationships? The individual men?
It takes a very good understanding of yourself, your patterns, your true beliefs around yourself, men and relationships, your reactions and triggers.
Good soul searching and watching yourself at all times can help you discover why you create this dynamic and how it's serving you. In my case, it took a while for me to see that one of the things that made me choose emotionally unavailable men subconsciously was a deep seated fear of intimacy, fear of being seen and also because I thought men who were interested in me somehow had issues and were not good enough. I believed I had to be something I wasn't to be loved and I kept trying only to get hurt, but even though I wasn't aware of it, I was choosing it. We choose always.
Now that I see myself and understand a lot more, I focus only on men who are interested and I do nothing. I'm just me and watch them and decide if I like them or not, if it's going to work long term or not and if not, I gracefully say so and walk away. It's slowly improving and I slowly realize that I do have a say and men who are interested are out there. But I remember just because they're interested and good catches, doesn't make us a great fit nor does it mean I'm less than they are. It has taken effort to do nothing and keep myself grounded and focused on me, not them but it has paid off.
Once you are aware of yourself, you can see what you truly need and what would be beneficial to you and if you keep being aware of everything, you'll consciously choose better and walk away from men and scenarios that are not good for you.
I hope this helps. Keep working on it.
You don't do anything? You wait for the men to be interested and act for them to act on it? I guess I fear that they won't act on it! I don't think I have ever had a guy actually pursue me! I guess that he why I feel like I have to do the work or show my interest!
I understand that. I really do. It's hard to get there when you have no recollection of anything like that in your life, but it works. How do you show interest you ask? You just respond. That's it. He approaches you and if you like him, you smile, you listen, you share. He asks you out, you say yes. He calls you, you call back. He texts, you text back. He stops, you stop. In short, you do what is best for you and focus on you. You don't sit around and hang on his every move, you live your own life. Try it out and come to terms with the anxiety. I did it the last time I met someone and trust me, he pursued. How did I do that? I was receptive, responded, dared be vulnerable and asked for what I needed. I had no idea he would deliver beyond my expectations. Something was lacking so sadly I didn't accept to be his girlfriend, but he was awesome and a much better guy than the ones I've met before. Try it out. If it doesn't work out with one guy, don't panic. It'll work out with another. Just figure out what you truly need, what you're after and be open and honest about it. Ask for it up front and give the guy space to decide if he can and wants to meet your need. If he won't, move along cold turkey. Just keep watching and do nothing. Just be you, genuine, your loving self and authentic version and trust you'll be fine with or without the guy. It works!
What about the urgency? I guess I feel like time is running out! When a guy approaches me, I want to speed everything up. If the guy doesn't call then I will etc. I guess I'm showing desperation! If there is no guy, I wonder when he'll show up! I don't act like this in other parts of life.
Then it's important for you to get to the bottom of that fear. When you act in desperation you end up holding onto wrong men, and are prone to making too many mistakes, not to mention a good man could end up pulling away because he'd think you just want to hold on to anyone. Not appealing or reassuring. Why would you be running out of time? Let's say it's true. Play that scenario and face it. Desperation never helps you get results. If you act on your impulses all the time, calling him and pursuing him, you won't leave any room to be pursued. You're missing out on what you want because you're sabotaging yourself. Sit with it and figure yourself out. What you need is not outside, your "problems" are not outside. Dig deeper.
I forgot to add "what happens if it's true, what does it mean? After saying "let's say it's true you're running out of time " I forgot to proof read
If it helps, try taking a lover, and learning to separate sex from love. The sooner you can do that, the better. If you consider an affair as a gift, and that you are receiving as much as you are giving, in terms of pleasure and tenderness and dare I say it love, and are willing to cherish it as a lovely experience, you'll take the pressure off yourself to find The One, and you'll create some wonderful memories too. BUT, and it's a very big BUT, you do this with a man who is affectionate, respectful, tender. And you do it as two adults who take responsibility for their emotions.
And when the man you really think is The One comes along, you and your lover part ways but remain friends. Here in France, people do that all the time. Men here respect women who know what they want, and they understand that women have sexual needs too, and they are happy to give pleasure and make a woman happy in bed. I think women would do well to think more like men, quite honestly, or be clear about their needs and wants. I think real men appreciate directness.
Thank you for this. I struggle with knowing when to be the respondent and when to ask for what I need, as the second seems to negate the first. Advice appreciated x
Many times its about staying clear of an energy vampire as well as not chasing. In fact, I agree with the sentiment to stop chasing people (not just romantic), and situations that has that same dynamic. Often people like to be chased for the attention but they have no interest in giving back the same energy. Losing game. Don't play.
Exactly, Jackie. Thank you.
This was perfect! I saw me and my life so clearly in this article! Thank you!