There's a reason you choose who you do. You know this all too well, even if you don't understand what that reason is. You're the first to admit that not just anyone will do; there has to be something that sets the one apart who's going to get a second glance from you.
And that something is always more about you than him.
There's some unmet need you have deep down inside you that's looking to be met in this person your radar has honed in on. It's rarely about anything as simple as a look. No, it runs so much deeper than this. More often than not, it's an attitude that comes through more clearly and more seductively than anything else you can put your finger on.
But why now? What is it about him?
This is your work, not his. To discover what exactly "it" is so that you are no longer powerless. How can you own your own power when someone who comes along like this can have so much power over you?
You see, I understand all too well what you mean when you say he's like no one else you've ever met before. I understand why it can feel so different, and seem like this time, it's going to be the real thing, despite all practical and logical reasons to the contrary.
Because when it's a need deep within ourselves we're subconsciously trying to fill, it takes on a life of its own.
There is no logic.
There is no practical reality of what is. There is only potential. There is only what if. There is only "but this time he's going to be different."
Because this is what you so want to believe. It's what it just has to be. And so, it's what you will make it out to be.
Your work begins and ends with you, not anyone outside of yourself, and especially not anything he can do for you. So what is it about him that keeps you coming back for more? What is it about him that makes you feel like you can't live without him, that he's your very lifeblood and without him you can't make it on your own? These are just feelings after all. They're the very stories we've bought into and told ourselves so many times that they've become our very reality regardless of the truth.
Of course you can live without him. Of course you don't need anyone outside of yourself. But when it feels like it does, and your own inner longing is what it is, there's no fighting this feeling that consumes you.
Unless you know the truth.
The truth that comes from accepting and loving yourself wherever you are, whatever that looks like right now.
The truth that comes from being compassionate with yourself for what you thought you should have learned by now.
The truth that comes from allowing yourself to be exactly who you are, however flawed, however imperfect that might look like to you from where you stand with such standards of perfection you hold for yourself.
There's no one who does this to you like you do!
But instead of using these imperfections as one more thing to beat yourself up about, it's time to do something so different.
Find out what that little girl inside you needs to fill her cup full.
Find out what she's missing that makes her hold on so tightly to someone who isn't right for her.
Find out why she feels the need to be with someone who can't give her what she's looking for.
But don't stop there. It's never enough to only understand why. "Why" is a springboard to build from to do our work to find out what we need to know that we can' t yet see for ourselves.
We have to be willing to do something about it. We have to be willing to grow ourselves, to stretch, to be open to seeing what this new knowledge and these new ways of seeing can do for us. To letting go of something or someone that's hurting us, of giving someone a second look who we might have overlooked before.
It's what we do with all we're learning that makes the greatest difference in what we find, in what we're seeing, not just what we're coming to see!
Don't accept anything less than being happy, not just feeling a familiar feeling that in your heart of hearts isn't what you know this life is meant to be.
It's your beautiful life. It's your time to live it the way life is meant to be. Don't make it about any him; make it about you!
How about you? What are your reasons for holding on so tightly to what isn't working? Know that you're not alone and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you! I'd love to hear your story. Please share it with us in the comments.
Hi Jane!!! Wow your website is just amazing.......I did too have my HaHa Moments reading all the stories of woman in just the same old pattern as I am. I reach my rock bottom couple of days ago. The rock bottom i think that I didnt reach years before......I am now seeking professional help and focus on me. For the last 7 years, I enrolled myself in such complicated, non sense, unavailable, addict , jobless, man that are so not worth any more of my physical and emotional pain. I am tired, I am changing, I am growing, I understand now a little bit more of the Why's I keep going again and again and again to the same exact same type of man, just different names. It is going to be alot of work tho, and I know it....I was comfortable in my unconfortable situation/pattern/type of man........My subconscious is attracting those assclowns and I keep repeating, rinsing, repeating the same pain and hearteaches over and over and over. I am finally done now!!! I think I gave my self worth to so many crumbs , I did all ehehehehe!!! I am tired and I deserve more and most of all to be in an healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship. I reached a point in my life right now that I DO WANT to change the pattern and break this cycle of misery and BS relationtionship. I want to be able to smell the BS 10000 miles away from those guys 🙂 LOL I want to be able to respect myself enough and to put myself as a priority !!!! Seriously you made me realise so much its unbelievable!!!!!! I am very thankfull to have find your website 🙂 And to all the girls here, I bear with you 🙂 I know the pain and the loneliness sometimes is just too much to handle.......but shine your own life, be pround of yourself and dont be too hard on you, we all make mistakes, Sh*** happens, you get up and you learn and grow and cherrish those experiences inside of you.......do positives things , make some GOOD change....along the way I know I will find a great match for me 🙂 Thanks again.....Renee xoxo
And you will, Renee! So glad you're here! 🙂 You're seeing this for yourself, you're realizing what's really going on, and you're choosing you instead of anyone else, and especially not any more crumbs! Be so proud of yourself for being open to seeing what you pain and hurt and have been trying so hard to show you; you're not any of this; you're the beautiful woman underneath it all who knows what she's worth, who knows what she deserves and isn't going to accept what anyone else is putting on her anymore. So inspiring to hear from you!
I want to let him go . I feel so stupid it's been
A year and half . I feel so stuck.
It's been a year and a month for me. I also feel stuck. Basically I have managed to stay away, but if he appears I get sucked back in. It feels bad after I see him. The next day or the day after the next day all my worries, all my fears, all sensitivity is brought to the surface again. I can't relax around him, I can't be me around him. Hell, I don't even know what it's like to be the real me because all this fear has been there my entire life. I don't like myself when I am with him. I had never thought about it in terms of liking myself when I am with a person. I don't even know if that has ever been possible. I'm afraid I have been wasting time, choosing wrong after wrong after wrong. I don't know how to even attract a man into my life and I realize that whenever I meet someone I could potentially like he's emotionally unavailable. I am willing to stop being emotionally unavailable myself, I just have no idea how to start. I guess I will follow an advice I heard not long ago: date men I have no interest in. That way I won't care so much and I can be myself. It seems sort of uncomfortable but I think it's pretty much the only smart choice at the moment. I'm so sick and tired of bending myself into a pretzel to be chosen. I am sick of feeling like the most unattractive woman on earth. I'm sick of feeling like I can't do anything right. It has been enough of that for a lifetime. Nature is really strong I see. These chemicals in my head have held me hostage for a damn year!
You're not stupid, Shirley. We all come to what we need to do for our own selves in our own way and time. When you've had enough, when you're ready to take a chance on you, you'll know.
Thank you 🙂 4 the advice !!!! And I thought about what im doing naturally and I think im doing pretty good 🙂
I mean I hear him and his friends at lunch talking about him liking me and he has become more out there for me to see lately . I can tell because in class I shouted out something he was the first to look and answer and a chick sat by him and he just keep looking at me im like yes ? I am going to tell him tomorrow that I get really nervous when talking to him bc he is very attractive and a full package of postive things 🙂
Hey jane this boy likes me he is really shy the only way I know he likes me is by overhearing him and his friends at lunch I am soo nervous to talk to him so we stare at eachother Idont know what too do
Just be yourself with him, Myana. Be friendly and approachable with him and if he's interested in anything more than just "staring at each other" at this stage, you'll be giving him the opportunity to approach you. Are there any opportunities for you to naturally talk to him about something you have a shared interest in, or something else in common in your daily live? Yes, you can approach him directly, but all too often this ends up being heartbreaking for you if he's not interested in anything more than "staring" for now. Only you know if you're willing to put yourself out there like that. The reality with a shy guy is that if he's interested in more - no matter how shy he is, he'll still find some small way he's comfortable with to show you that if you're giving him the body language of a smile and an easy, friendly, approachable manner. Remember that there's no rush to make something happen with someone who really wants to be with you!
Well 🙂 his younger brother is a title with a girl at my school and he just keeps staring at me he gets soo nervous when he talks to me I do too.. just tbh I like him alot everyone says he likes me too but hasn't admitted it . I'm being patient I am just being friendly he knows I like him still just yeah I've talked to my mom about it she said he likes you but probably isn't mature and doesnt want a gf yet... 🙁 imma be patient with him I care about him alot I'll wait for him:)
we're sophomores in highschool.Im outgoing and funny his the more quiet and sporty shy guy who gets straight As . Well I've been liking him since the beginning of the school year ( since august) the 1st day he sat by me we talked he was the new guy to our school i started to flirt with him and I started to like him and people found out so I descided to tell him I told him I liked him and he blushed red ! All throughout the day ppl were talking about it I would hear from guy friends and friends that he called me rly pretty and pretty and he never actually liked someone and everytime they have a convo about me with him he would smile and blush .Then a day later he goes no I just like her as a friend not to me but to a guyfriend and not so close friends . I was upset I didnt show it though. I stopped talking to him for weeks .another girl likes him to so her friends asked him who he likes he goes noone lesas a friend. I thought I overreacted but still didnt talk to him we talk like everyother 2 weeks short convos a little while after I didnt talk to him at all he would start to stare at me in class alot one time it was soo bad I had to smile back to be nice and he smiled back to and other times he stare and when I looked he would turn his head he also stared for a minute and smile when I laughed.but then he says he likes noone and now he said the one chick who likes him is just cute.im like wb meAnd now im being friendly now talking and his smiling and stuff still stares at me
It sounds like he's not ready for anything more than what he's showing you, Hannah. But don't take it personally! This is about him, not you. You only want to be with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do!
Sorry wasn't wearing my glasses a few typo errors
🙂
Dear Jane
Whenever I read your posts II always think you are talking about me. I really thought I met the 'one' he seemed do different from the usual type of man I get attracted to. Sadly the only difference was he wore a business suit. He seemed so lovely but it didn't take long to realise he was unemotionally available. Unfortunately I did not listen to my own guy feelings nor the warnings of my friends.
i do realise I get attracted to very egotistical self centred little boys. I Aldi suspect it is to do with my father and what me the little girl wanted do desperately to be lived unconditionally. Interestingly my dad could show love one minute but it was always on his trs.
This man not only looks like my father but he scarily has the same personality. He left me confused and heart broken and even justified his actions. I really went on an all time low and for the first time ever I have taken anti-depressants. I don't know if I can ever trusty judgements again when meeting other men. I am now so frightened of going through the pain of being hurt again.
Mo - I can totally relate and I think it has to do with my relationship with my father too! Always wanting to please him in order to get some kind of emotional love from him, only to always fail. I'm not sure how to break past this. I am so insecure in good relationships and take rejection so hard! It always feels like I did something wrong. How do you heal from issues that are so deeply ingrained?
You begin a love affair with yourself, Christina. You heal by accepting where you've been and what you bring with you. And from that acceptance, you realize you're already who you want to be, you just haven't seen yourself yet. Not the real you, not the you that has no reason to be insecure or to take everything so personally. Find her, let her come alive in you, and you'll find the courage and the confidence to never let anyone else determine your worth again!
It's in the compassion we show to ourselves, in the self-love and acceptance we give to our truest, rawest, most vulnerable selves that we come alive, that we stretch, that we grow and begin to see things in a whole new way. The way it looks in your own reality will be different from how it was for me and for anyone else, but the path through which we get there - this one of self-love and acceptance - is the same.
Don't rush it, don't be impatient with yourself. Begin right where you are by taking your first step by asking yourself what would you do if you could do anything - because you can! Where would you go, who would you be with, what would you have in your life and what would your life look like on a daily basis? What interests, what passions, what hobbies would you want to explore and discover if there were no limits to what you could do?
You don't need to know what's next, it will become clear as you begin to live your life for you, Christina, and not for anyone else or because of some script that you've been subconsciously following about what you "should" do. Find the story that's holding you back and keeping you pleasing the ones who don't deserve what you're giving to them. There is so much more to life than this, but it takes being willing to take a chance on you to discover it for yourself. You take so many chances on everyone else, but now it's your time to take that chance on you!
I'm so glad these are resonating with you, Mo. And I hope you're seeing that you're not alone, and there's so much to be excited about now that you're seeing these connections between your father and these men. You can trust again, by doing some things different. I wrote about some of these things I learned the hard way in a previous post about some of my biggest regrets. Hope you find these helpful, too!
Hi Jane I read this I still have stolen heart. There's this guy we met 3 yrs back we have a child. We broke up last year infact he just ignore me. I don't know maybe I'm stupid I alwayz want to be with him hoping that one day we will be togethern, but He's alwayz communicating about the child only. I want him I can't move on.
You're not stupid, Mamela. You're a loving, caring, giving woman who wants to be loved the way you love. You move on for you, not for him. It's when you give to yourself what you need that you find the strength to move on.
You are amazing Jane really God sent...so I think I have found what the little girl in me wanted so badly from this emotionally unavailable man, it all became clear to me yesterday when I bumped into the man I once hurt badly that there wasn't even closure between us..the little girl in me was longing for forgiveness and closure from that guy.we talked about all that happened and he told me he forgave me for what I had done to him a few years back...it's all starting to make sense now that maybe somewhere along our past lies the answer to what we are facing now, I desperately wanted to be the best woman for the guys I dated after the one I hurt because I was trying to make up for what I did wrong..problem is that I was making it up to the wrong men, the emotionally unavailable men who didn appreciate me being too available for them making sure everything I did in the relatiobships was 100%....I really do realize that it was never about the emotionally unavailable men noo it was about me...what do I do now Jane?
I'm so glad you found out what you were looking for, Dineo! Remember to forgive yourself, too. When we can love and forgive ourselves, we are less likely to need anything from outside of ourselves. But how beautiful an opportunity you created for yourself to bump into this man from your past.
Now comes the fun part; and it is meant to be fun! You create a life that you want for yourself, Dineo. You focus on you! What makes you happy? What are you passionate about? What hobbies, interests, passions do you want to explore? You fill your own cup so full so that what someone else does or doesn't do with you no longer matters. You matter! You live your life like you only answer to yourself - because that's the only person you ever answer to!
And along the way, when you live your life like this, you find yourself finding others who live like this, too. The ones who share your dreams, your passions, your interests, your ways of seeing and being because you've become so clear with yourself about what you want and what you don't. It's in this kind of living that you notice the ones you wouldn't have noticed before. You no longer will give yourself away to just anyone, and you'll see these emotionally unavailable men for what they are; someone who's unable to give you what you so deserve, not someone to try and convince of your worth. You're already her, Dineo; she's just waiting for you to see yourself for all that you are and all that you have to offer just by being yourself.
its so amazing how I relate to each article you write...yes I let him go but it's so hard to really move on..it's so obvious that he doesn't love me because he never even bothered to fight for us when I broke up with him but I don't understand why I can't hate n just move on without him.I wanna know so bad what that little girl in me is longing for so badly from this emotionally unavailable man in my life 🙁
I so hear you, Dineo. It's because it is so hard to move on from someone who we still want so badly to love us with all the potential that only we can see. Ask yourself what he gives you? What do you look for from him? Who or what does he represent to you?
There's a reason you let him go. There's a reason you knew in your heart of hearts what you had to do even though you didn't want to. If the answers aren't yet clear, it's ok. We all come to see what we're meant to see that frees us in our time and way. Don't fight it, or beat yourself up for something else simply because it's not yet clear.
If all you do is simply love yourself through this, and have compassion for that little girl in you who doesn't understand what's going on, that's enough. We do the worst damage to ourselves when we don't accept ourselves for where we are along this journey. It's in that kind of loving self-acceptance that those first glimpses of hope begin!
Hi Jane and thank you so much for this article, I really needed to read it right now. Me and my ex decided we just wanted the physical side of a relationship, because we both really enjoy it together. He doesn't want a relationship/marriage at all and I slowly came to terms with that after we split yet again. So we've met up a few times but don't actually go out and date together, we chat and laugh and basically have fantastic sex and then he'll maybe stay at mine for a night or two, then go back to his own place. It was working really well, or so I thought! The truth, my truth is, I've been pretending to myself and him that I can do this, accepting crumbs, basically, and faking happiness about the situation. That's what it is, a situation. "What Is It About Him?" Why do I keep holding on so tight to this emotionally unavailable man? Maybe because he knows me and knows my body and the thought of having to start from scratch and getting to know yet another new guy is too tiring for me to think about! But, deep down I just KNOW I deserve better and to be loved and cherished the way I need to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, but I just don't know what that looks like, or what I need to do to recognise that. I feel sad and tired right now because I love this guy with all my heart, but he isn't able to love me the same back and I can't keep seeing him, when I know I'm just hurting myself and giving him his cake and voluntarily allowing him to eat it too. "What Is It About Him?" God knows!!! What is it that I need to do to get back to that self love, wonderful place I was in with MYSELF???
Love
Donna xxx
Accept where you're at, Donna. That's how you get back to that wonderful place of self-love you were in. Accept that this is all a part of the growing process. It's exactly as you wrote here; be proud of yourself for knowing yourself so well, even if it's not what where you want to be right now! You know by the ease with which you were able to express this ... it's because "he knows me and knows my body and the thought of having to start from scratch and getting to know yet another new guy is too tiring for me to think about." Exactly! It's how so many of us feel!
And yet because you are more than you've been in the past you "just KNOW I deserve better and to be loved and cherished the way I need to be, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically, but I just don't know what that looks like, or what I need to do to recognise that." So start with that kind of acceptance. Don't look at that one step back you're feeling you've fallen into right now. Look at the two steps forward part that you're seeing any of this! That's the part we miss, that's the part we forget. Be so proud of yourself, Donna. This is how it's done!
I love this article! I feel this is so my situation. I am a single mother at 41 years old and my last boyfriend as completely out of the box as I coed not to date a man like my ex. Ell I think I rent too far out of the box and he was so possessive, it didn't work and so now I'm dating a guy my own age who I have known my entire life, and at first I admit attracted to him but he's a lot of fun. And I think that's what I'm attracted to and what I'm missing in myself! My social circle had grown a lot since dating him band Iovebut, I feel like I'm in the in crowd! Crazy I know at my age. He is kind to me and my kids the sex is amazing but because he is a party boy he doesn't come home at night unt late out drinking every night. This bothers me as I feel I'm not important enough to him but the bar is. Am I over resting, he is wonderful in every other way and I don't think he would cheat as his ex wife cheated on him but for some reason I just feel upset that he prefers the bar over me. Please advise!
It's all about what you can live with, Jackie. You're the only one who knows what he's worth to you and whether you can live with these terms he's set for your relationship. You have every right to be upset that he prefers the bar over you but rather than dwelling on this, feel your own power. If you don't like it change it, either by finding someone else who won't prefer the bar over you, or by creating a life for yourself so that what he chooses to do doesn't matter as much to you.
I would also explore this idea that "I'm in the in crowd". Is this really about him, or is it about you? Who we're attracted to and what we're willing to put up from someone always says so much more about ourselves than the object of our affections. Find it in you, Jackie, and you may eventually find yourself refusing to settle for someone who prefers the bar to you.
Loved the post today, it spoke to my heart. I too am trying to recover from a relationship where the man once wanted to committ and they slowly backed out because I was honest with him about our lack of intamacy, that no I don't want to live in a trailer (we agreed to build a house together- he changed his mind), and how he always uses profanity after church (I called him a hypocrite and said I was one too) - because of these things he calims I broke his heart with my honest texts and he withdrew. One year after we met we went to the priest to get married a week latter (he changed his mind because of a stupid argument I can't even recall). Now recently I told him if he didn't see me in his future we should just end this. But like a dummy I called him last night and we both agree we love each other. It's like I see him as my husband in the future, we used to be so happy he made me want to be a better person, then his son went to prison and he changed. Now he's back out. I have prayed so hard and worked so hard to make this relationship work- bent over backwards. Truely I am an enabler and from what Rosy said I pick men just like my dad- emotionally unavailable.
Not a dummy, Brigitte; just a loving, caring, giving human being who believes so much in someone's potential. You were honest and you found out what he could give you and what he couldn't. Now that you're seeing this, now that you know more, you can begin to see what you couldn't see before. Your emotionally unavailable dad is a human being, too. And we're learning that trying to get love from a stone is no way to spend our time and energy. Lovingly, compassionately being - with yourself, I'm talking about here. You give so much to everyone else, it's time to make sure you're filling your own cup first!
Hi Jane,
I was married to my husband for 12 year, He is 10 yrs.younger than me. I have a daughter from my previous relationship and my husband seemed very loving and excepting. He grew to be very controlling and possessive and didn't want me to see my friends or have social media or even go out. He was good as far as working and coming home the same time everyday and he didn't do any of the things he asked of me. He and I have 2 children together and we were a great family in my eyes. I knew that I was unhappy about being in such a controlling relationship bit he became all I knew and was used to. When my daughter turned 16, she had a small case of the rebellious stage and he did not want to deal with it and said he didn't want to be a step dad anymore then walked out on us. We both moved away AND got our own separate places and he tried to reconcile but was very out of control with drinking and hanging out partying and I was just not open to dealing with it. He has always been a drinker but seemed to become more aggressive with time. He was verbally abusive and really treated me horrible. My oldest son began acting out in school, telling his teachers that he just wanted his parents to be together and just shut down. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to try and reconsile considering time had passed but to my surprise there was another woman. I thought I was going to die! I had never experienced such heartache..He became confused and would leave her to come back to me and after a few weeks he would leave me to go back to her. This happened 4 times...I know this is not love and I don't know why I so badly want him back...could it be the feeling of rejection? I don't know but I miss the way we were whenever there was a good moment. He calls the kids before and after school and its so hard for me to do the no contact thing with him because of parenting. He is with the other woman again (this week) and as much as I want him, I'm ready to let go! HELP!
I feel so bad for you- the man who left me, did this to me - back and forth to his x wife every 6 months for four of the seven years I've known him. I went one year without seeing him but he would call. He didn't drink and was not controlling, just no boundaries. This last time he moved to another state to be where she moved. I know my heart, perhaps it's really the final rejection. As I said earlier I prayed for my heart to heal and to move on with compassion for myself...from myself. We just love unconditionally until we see we are hurting ourselves. IT is difficult to let go. I really love this guy, he knows it, but he loves her and the family with her more. And they were divorced long before I met him, she just kept coming back to break us up.
Ask yourself what you would say to your daughters if they were in a similar situation, Rubyzn. And then make that advice your own. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, but you're worth so much more than someone's second choice. You deserve to be loved for you!
Jane, Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm blessed that you wrote this and I received it today. I was crying last night over the loss of the man in my life. This means so much to me as it was the answer I asked for and it is about a prayer being answered for my heart to heal and move on with compassion for myself...from myself. You are inspired by angels, I am certain. Bless you.
Annie, I am sorry to read of your sorrow. I lost someone who I thought special, too. Fairy Tales, I guess, for me. But damn it, I miss the Fairy Tale. Keep being good to yourself.
I hear you, too, Wayne. It's because we miss the "Fairy Tales" that we so want these relationships to be, that we have such a hard time letting go!
I'm so glad the timing of this resonated so deeply with you, Annie. Oh how I understand how these answers come in ways we could have never have asked for! Compassion for yourself - from yourself - is the only way we begin to heal; such a huge discovery you've made in that statement. And thank you for your beautiful words; you're so very welcome!
This was perfect timing to read this. These words screamed out to me "find out why she feels the need to be with someone who can't give her what she's looking for." I have yet to find the guy who is strong enough to flow. The men I meet are weak and I am too headstrong for them. They get intimidated by me and I can't afford to soften up anymore then I have because I am left with the hard blow. The ones I can truly be with are unattainable or is it that I put them on too high of a pedestal? It's ok, I'd rather do this road alone then settle ever again. I have to get what I want, just this once. He absolutely has to be out there though it feels like I'm running out of time 🙁
So glad the timing of this worked for you, Dazz! Oh that pedestal that we insist on putting someone on simply because of a trigger that has everything to do with us and nothing to do with them. Don't sell yourself short anymore. There is no one more worthy of love by your true equal than you!
It's only your story that gets in the way of what you deserve, Dazz. of the way you deserve to be treated and loved for the beautiful strong woman you are! There's never anything wrong with you if someone can't see it, it's just a mismatch of two people who aren't on the same page. We take all this so personally when it's only ever about that.
Find your peace in accepting yourself, in being compassionate with where you are, and allow yourself to let go of the need to make this about scarcity of anything. There is someone who's looking for exactly who you are, but when we make it out like there isn't enough time or it's never going to happen, we set ourselves up to miss the very thing our heart knows best that we need. It's in that place of love and acceptance for where you are right now, that you find everything else falls into place in a more beautiful way than you could ever have imagined. There's so much more still to come!
Hi Jane thanks again for an amazing article, one which i could resonate so well with
When I look back at my past I tried so hard to meet the man of my dreams, I could never understand why I was always attracting Non available men, sometime abusive men, but more importantly why was I attracted to these men.
It took a lot of years of reading motivational personal development books that I worked out that they all resonated in Some shape or form of my unavailble unloving father,
It was what I felt comfortable with I felt safe this way as well
However as years went by I continued to do more work as I was determined to try and change this situation
And then I had the aha moment! Deep down inside I felt unworthy of great love I felt unlovable and because this was my belief at a subconcious level I kept attraction people, mainly men and situations who would continue to feed this story!! It has taken a lot of deep healing and shifting work mainly reprogramming beliefs of the subconcious which had the biggest impact and things started to shift and I am now attracting more beautiful people and situations which honour me
We hold onto things that are not working because of fear because it feeds our story and because deep down Inside we do not truly believe we are worthy of greatness !!
Blessings to everyone
Rosy
"And then I had the aha moment! Deep down inside I felt unworthy of great love I felt unlovable and because this was my belief at a subconcious level I kept attraction people, mainly men and situations who would continue to feed this story!!" Exactly, Rosy! Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story! It is beautiful to see how we work through our stories and come to discover the truth that has nothing to do with these stories we insist on telling ourselves and reinforcing in our lives over and over again. When you've been there, you understand like no one else can. Thank you.
the last guy i met, he was really sweet, when i met him at 1st last September i thought i never ever met anyone like this coz most of the guys i met through the past are jerks, i feel like he's always there for me as a friend even tho i've seen him 3x and i feel he has no friends or less. i think it's his caring personality that makes me want him more, What makes me want him is that i wanna leave my 2 friends who r boys alone coz i see them every single week n i want a break n thats when i want him and there's been times where i would like to have him as a BF in the near future. i haven't msg'd him since his birthday & i know he will be busy from now - jan 15 from experience last year. so i'm gonna send him Xmas greetings at 5:00pm on 22/12/14 coz everyone's day finishes around the 4:30pm - 5:00pm mark. i will wait for him to give me a msg back or he replies straight away n i'm gonna make it as part of my action plan, if he doesn't reply i will wait for 9 january 2015 n add him as a friend if he hasn't added me between 22/12/14 - 9/01/15. if he doesz reply back n accept me i will be 1 lucky lady to have her friend back who's getting to know this guy n knows that he has the time off n takes a break.who knows what will happen between (22/12/14 & 9/01/15) idk what will happen. This year was the person i left him alone coz he needed some space n said stuff like "please don't reply,if u do then i won't reply back, i know u will reply" as he said to me in Feb 4 2014 and so i left him alone until his birthday came around n said thanks...
Go where you're loved, Courtney. Be with the ones who want you in your life, not the ones who you have to convince of your worth. You deserve to be loved for you!
It is a myth that one cannot change their love template of who they are attracted to. They can and it requires work, usually a combination of EMDR and hypnosis to bypass the conscious mind. EFT is also good as a practice to redirect our attractor points. Attraction is not about looks, its about emotional triggers, often if left unhealed we will seek out people who are similar to those who hurt us in an attempt to mend it. Wrong strategy.
"Attraction is not about looks, its about emotional triggers" - Exactly, Jackie! There is always a way out if we're open to seeing one.