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3 Subtle Ways to Let Him Know You Like Him

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A beautiful woman leans in to whisper to a man in a flirtatious manner to let him know she likes him. I've gotten several questions about how to let a guy know that you like him, that you want to be more than friends, and that you're interested in a romantic relationship with him, so I wanted to delve into that today.

This is the kind of situation where you already know him, maybe you have mutual friends or you work together, and you're just trying to figure out how to let him know you like him. That you want to be more than friends.

As we all know, this is a bit of a sticky situation. On the one hand, you want to let him know that you find him attractive and that you're interested, but on the other hand you also know that you'll be seeing him again, and you may not want to risk being rejected and feeling embarrassed every time you run into each other in the hallway or at a party.

Here's the thing. If he's interested in you, he's probably feeling the same way – maybe even more so. He may be feeling very nervous about asking you out or letting you know about his feelings also, and for the same reasons.

So what's a girl to do?

The only way to handle this without risking taking a devastating shot to your self-esteem is to remember one word:

Subtle

But what does that really mean? And how subtle is too subtle? It's that tricky balance between being too coy and being overly flirtatious.

Here are three simple things you can do that will convey the message that you're interested in being more than friends to all but the most oblivious of men:

Touch him

As human beings we all crave being touched. It gives us that sense of being connected to others, that sense of bonding.

I'm not talking about sexual touching, but things like simply touching his forearm when you're talking to him, or putting your hand lightly on the side of his shoulder when you laugh at his joke. A little bit of touch goes a long way, and in these hurried modern times, we can all use more than we're getting.

Of course the opposite it also true – don't overdo this one, because as I said, a little goes a long way. I would say a few touches over a thirty minute period is plenty to let  him know you're interested.

Compliment him

A well timed compliment can really send him message that you like him as more than a friend - but keep in mind, the same thing applies here – you don't want to over do this one or you'll come off as a bit too obvious or desperate.

It's all in the delivery – make sure you feel confident and that you're feeling good about your own attractiveness. Make sure you're feeling fairly sexy and desirable, and that you know that you're the one doing the choosing.

Then give him a compliment that's subtly obvious that you don't mean it in a friendly way. For example, if you like the shirt he has on you can say something like "That shirt's very sexy" as opposed to "I really like your shirt". Or tell him that he really knows how to make you laugh, and follow up with something like " a good sense of humor is very attractive".

Flirt with him

But just a little. If you're out with a group, and you're standing near him, lean in to him to say something to him that's just meant for him – maybe you're people watching and want to point out a couple and you lean in to him and ask him if he thinks they're on a first day or if they've been dating for a while. You're not really whispering, but you're leaning in to him and quietly saying something like "What do you think their story is – first date?" It works well to couple this with touching his forearm while you ask (see number 1 above).

This does two things – brings him closer to you (he can smell you, he gets that feeling of closeness, and you're touching him) and also puts the idea of a date in his mind. It's also playful, like a game to see if you can figure out who's on a date in the room and who's not, which is always flirty and fun.

Remember to smile and make eye contact, and of course keep reminding yourself that you aren't sure if he's the right guy for you (this will keep you from getting too nervous – after all, you're still not sure if you really want to be with him or not).

If, after trying these subtle techniques, he still doesn't get the hint and ask you out on a date, then he's either not interested in you, he's interested in someone else more than you, he's already taken, or he's not interested in women in general.

There's also an outside chance that he's so painfully shy that he's still too nervous to ask you out. I don't generally recommend this, but if you're pretty sure this might be the case (and you like the quiet, reserved type who errs on the side of caution), then go ahead and just tell him that you're interested, or ask him out yourself. There are rare occasions where this happens and the relationship works out, but just be prepared that you might not get the answer you're hoping for.

The key is to put yourself out there and give him enough subtle hints to let him know you're interested without becoming the initiator to the extent that all he has to do is respond. If he's interested, he'll want to pursue you, to convince you that he's worth your time and energy, and he'll respect the fact that you're confident enough in who you are and what you have to offer that you're willing to give him the go ahead to show some interest too, without worrying about being rejected himself.

Remember not to take his response - or lack of one - personally. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do in response to your subtly letting him know you're interested,  what he does with this is always about him and his preferences and are no reflection on you - or your self-worth!

Just like you don't want everyone who approaches you, you too only want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

How about you - what do you think is the best way to let him know you like him? Tell us in the comments!

Should I Wait For Him?

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A beautiful woman lays in bed with a clock next to her wondering how long she should wait for her man to make a commitment to her.Our beautiful friend Doreen is in a situation where she feels like she is waiting in limbo for her man to make a commitment to her. Her story is below.

Her email:

Hi Jane,

So wonderful to hear from you what an encouragement you are!! I was wondering if you would mind if I shared my story with you!!!

I am 63 years old and my man is 69 years old…….we have been involved for about 2 years now.  We met in cyber space in June 2012 and he was mailing me from Spain on a daily basis. He lives 5 months of the year in Spain and the other five in South Africa. He phoned me every night from Spain and the mailing continued by then I had gotten to know him quite well. Anyway the time had arrived for him to return to South Africa in October where we made arrangements to meet. We hit it off the first time  we were so connected……and it was like we knew each other forever.

We use to spend time at his house and vice versa and we did everything together and yes we did have our differences but we were very compatible……. there is a very strong bond between us. In February 2013 He had a foot operation due to an old injury and I nursed him twenty four seven for three month’s where I really got to know him intimately……he is not the easiest person to live with as he is a perfectionist, controlling and very impatient. That did not bother me as I love him unconditionally.

He has been very good to me and his a wonderful person with a beautiful heart…….. and has all the qualities that I have always wanted in a man and we have a very strong bond…..however  whenever I brought up the question of where do I stand in this relationship he would say I love you very much…….. but I need time and space to decide whether I love you enough to live with you forever. He has always been up front with me but I feel like I am living in limbo. Anyway it was time for him to go to Spain again and he left May 2013. You can imagine how upset I was and still had no idea where I stood with him. He arrived in Spain and never failed to mail me and still phoned me every night from Spain. two months went by corresponding with each other when he finally said I miss you so much and need you by my side and I now realise what you mean to me. I left for Spain on 20th August  all expenses paid and it was the happiest day of my life I was ecstatic!!!!!!!

We had a wonderful time in Spain I was spoilt rotten!! We got closer and closer I was radiant and glowing with happiness. I left Spain In the middle of October and he returned on the 1st of November. I left my home to open up his and to wait for his return. When he arrived at his home in South Africa I was so overwhelmed by his warmth and tenderness he mentioned I have never missed anyone so much as I have missed you.

I stayed at his home for four months and can honestly tell you that he was loyal to me. By this time we have now spent two Christmases  together and he was still not ready to commit he is very indecisive when it comes to making decisions ……. and I always put it down to maybe it’s because he has lived on his own for the last 9 years  and set in his ways and had one two short relationships in between but it never lasted.

Jane call it women’s intuition the day I lay eyes on this man I said to myself he is going to be my soul partner. And deep down I still feel that way. He left for Spain on the 18th May 2014 again……but before he left we spoke about our relationship in depth. And he mentioned that he needs a little more time to make up his mind as this is our last journey so to speak …… and I gave him an ultimatum which was probably the wrong thing  to do!!  I have given him time  until he returns from Spain in October and if he still not sure I am going to walk away from this relationship. I know I will be devastated but I cannot live an emotional roller coaster like this anymore it’s unsettling for me and not to mention what it is doing to me emotionally!!

As I mentioned before Jane I have no doubts about him because I know he loves me and come a long way together. I all most forgot to mention two weeks ago before he left for Spain I happened to walk passed his office and found that his computer was open and saw that he has been mailing a women for the last two weeks there was no romance in his mails to her they were just chatting in general. I was shocked and confronted him and ready to pack my bags!! He was shaking and crying begging me to stay and mentioned that it’s nothing that he was doing  this to make sure that I am the one he wants. I told him that it makes no sense and that he was still keeping the back door open. His reply to that was  she means nothing to me which I found hard to believe.  Needless to say I stayed and I have never got so much attention from him since that altercation. But the hardest part for me is what guarantee do I have that he is not going to meet her as she is on holiday in Spain!! I guess I will never no  I’m just going to have to trust him and see what happens.

Jane I love this many deeply!! My question to you is do I wait for him????? I would appreciate it so much if you could comment on my story.

Kind regards

Doreen

My Response:

You have to decide what being with him on his terms is worth to you, Doreen. It sounds like you’re riding an emotional roller coaster with him – and one that he’s more than happy to continue riding with you as long as you’re willing to ride it with him. Such intense highs and lows are so common with men who aren’t comfortable with more of a commitment because they create a space for them to distance themselves emotionally when things get too intense. It’s the reason everything can be so incredibly amazing for a short time, but then it all falls apart soon after, only to repeat the same pattern all over again for as long as you remain a willing participant in this pattern.

The fact that you’re seeing this for yourself is huge, Doreen, because no one deserves to live on an emotional rollercoaster with what it does to you emotionally when you live like this with someone who thrives on this type of lifestyle.  It’s no accident that he’s chosen to divide his time between two places; what better way to keep everyone and everything at a safe distance than by actually having to leave each place after a few months for his job! He has the perfect setup.

While I don’t doubt that he has strong feelings for you, the fact that he is still conversing with another woman and defends his actions with an explanation that he needs to know if you’re the one, is an excuse no matter how innocent it seems.  You obviously knew what was going on here, too, Doreen, or else you wouldn’t have had such a strong reaction to seeing this and it’s also why his explanation didn’t satisfy you. You always know.

Regarding this woman you've found him to be corresponding with, you have no guarantee that he’s not going to meet her on holiday in Spain. The most telling thing about all this is that not only do you not trust him, you also don’t believe he can give you what you want without you giving him an ultimatum. And that’s why you have two clear options here, Doreen.

You can choose to go with the part of you that loves the lavish attention, the exciting highs and the incredible feelings you have with him when everything is wonderful. You can change yourself, your expectations, your requirements that he needs to meet and make a life for yourself independent of him outside of the times that he spends with you. You accept who he is and what he can offer you as well as who he isn't and what he can’t. You find your peace with that acceptance and no longer live your life trying to get him to change or commit to you. You accept this reality as what you are choosing and let go of what you want from him that he is clearly unable or unwilling to give you. Instead, you make this silent exchange, and choose to find the parts of him that he can’t give you in your own life and in you. You choose this from a place of power where you recognize what you're getting and what you're not but not because he's in control, but because you're the one who's choosing this.

Or you can choose to let him go. You recognize that your expectations and requirements you have of him – of the relationship - are your own.  You decide that the emotional lows you’re living aren't worth the highs. You decide that what this is doing to you emotionally can’t be changed by focusing on you, getting out there and creating the life for yourself that you’re looking to him to give you. You decide you can’t live with the uncertainties of not knowing if you can trust him, or if there might be some other woman in some other port of call. You wait or don’t wait for his answer to your ultimatum, depending on whether you want to make your own terms for this relationship or wait to hear his. You realize you’re the one doing the choosing here, and regardless of the time invested and the initial devestation of the loss of him, you come to term with the fact that you’re not willing to live like this anymore.

It’s not his decision; it’s yours, Doreen.

Only you can take back your own power and make the choice that you can live with. You can’t have it both ways without doing more damage to yourself. You have to decide what you want more, because with this particular man, you can’t have the part you want with him without the other part that you don’t want.

As we all discover sooner or later, you can't change him, but you can change you.

What do you think? Do you have any other advice for our beautiful friend Doreen? Tell us in the comments!

Why Didn't I Set Boundaries With Him?

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A beautiful woman leans her chin in her arm on a chair, thinking about why she was unable to set boundaries with her previous boyfriend.One of our dear readers, Sheryl, has written to me wondering why she was unable to set boundaries with her previous boyfriend - it's a very common situation and one that so many of us find ourselves in.

Here's her email:

I've done a considerable amount of soul searching the past week after a difficult deceitful break up.  I realized that I set no boundaries with this man which is so unlike me.

After literally making a list of my assets (what I have to offer) what I want in a relationship and then what "he" turned into after the first 6 month, I tolerated the most immature, crude, cruel behavior I have ever seen.

I'm struggling as to WHY? Why would I have put up with something that was truly so unacceptable to me... even at the time.

My Response:

That's great you made this list, Sheryl. It really puts it in perspective when you can see just how much you have to offer and what you were putting up with.

We all have our reasons that we go into that place, where we forget who we are and what we deserve. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this and realizing that setting your own boundaries around someone else's behaviors are the key to getting what you want – and avoiding what you don't – in any relationship.

Whenever we find ourselves  putting up with certain behaviors that we wouldn't normally allow, there's an exchange going on that we may not even realize. As in, what you were getting in return from him offered you something that was worth more to you than calling him on it and refusing to put up with it, or simply walking away.

Since you obviously understand the way boundaries work and you're in touch with your own, there was clearly something there that seemed worth it to you at the time, even if you weren't consciously aware of what it was.

Look closer at what he had that drew you to him.

Why were you with him in the first place? Why did you remain with him while he was exhibiting these behaviors?

Don't look for these answers as further reasons to beat yourself up; look at them as clues to understanding some triggers deep within you that you may not even realize you have.

Sometimes it takes a certain type of person under certain kinds of circumstances for us to see something – and learn something – that we wouldn't otherwise have learned.

That's the real gift in these experiences. There's always a reason if we're willing to see it – and learn from it.

But don't let this derail you, Sheryl.

Too often we look at these at yet another opportunity to shrink back and stay stuck in the "why" instead of asking the questions, finding our answers and becoming aware, and then moving on to making whatever changes we need to make in our lives out of our new awareness.

Don't stay in the why. Come out into the beautiful light of you.

Do you have any other words of encouragement or advice for our dear friend Sheryl? Share them with us in the comments!

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

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A beautiful woman looks into the camera wondering not who's next but what's next. Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

Getting Past Emotionally Unavailable Men

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A couple is seen from behind walking arm-in-arm down a wooded path, indicating that she has finally gotten past emotionally unavailable men.One of our gorgeous readers, Maria, shares her story about finally getting past the emotionally unavailable men she was typically attracted to that would always suddenly disappear on her.

She's now found real love with a great guy that she would normally have overlooked.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I have spent the last year reading your articles about why he hasn't and doesn't and won't.

As these were the men I was with. Immediate attraction...then poof; the emotionally unavailable man disappeared.

Then, on a chance meeting, a man that didn't meet my "physical wow" came into my life. He was honest, and caring, and thoughtful, and emotionally available.Continue Reading

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

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Photo of Electronic sign with the word Why? on it signifying the question of Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?For those of you who regularly read this blog, you've heard me ask this question time and time again.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

But instead of answering this question directly for yourself by digging deeper to get to the root of the problem, you do the easier thing.

You find something – anything – that sounds like it makes your story different. That makes you the exception. That makes it different this time with this particular guy.

And I know why you do it. You do it for the same reason that I did it, and so many others do it too.

You really want to believe it's different. You don't want to let go.

But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around.

And so, you stay.

And so, you wait.

Because you believe he’s the one. Because you believe he’s the last one. Because you believe you can’t live without him.

Can you see what’s really going on here? This isn't about him. This isn't about everything you believe he has to offer you.

This is about fear.

You’re afraid.

You don’t want to lose him because you’re afraid there isn't anyone better than him coming along and you’d rather have what you've got with him than settle for someone who you haven’t met yet.

It’s that fear that keeps all of us right where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, about a job, about a state of being, or about anything else where we’re being nudged out of our comfort zones.

We've all been there; you’re so not alone in this.

There's a way to fix it.

It’s called trust. In you.

The reason you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is because you don’t believe there's someone else out there better for you. But that’s a lie that you've bought into that doesn't reflect the real truth.

The only ones you want to be with are the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.

The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.

The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones  that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse.

I know you want some reassurance, some way of knowing that there’s more to come than this, that there’s more to love than what you’re getting.

That kind of reassurance is right there, in your heart of hearts, beyond that place called fear. But to see it, to get there, you have to be willing to give up what you've got.

To question your belief that this is all there is. To question what you’re really looking for and why.

Don’t call it love if it hurts. Don’t call it “just the way he is” if it’s not the way you want it.

You’re the one in control here. Instead of focusing on him, focus on you. You’re the one who deserves to be loved. You’re the one who deserves to be respected.

Once you get clear on what you want and what you don’t, the rest is simple. You let go of what you don’t want – no matter how exciting it may feel to be with someone who keeps you at a distance – and you let someone who can give you what you deserve a chance to show you what he’s all about.

It’s always your choice what you choose to accept and what you refuse to allow.

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