Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:
Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.
I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.
I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.
After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.
After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.
Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.
When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)
This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."
So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).
He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.
His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".
I didn't contact him for an entire week.
The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.
He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.
So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?
Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.
That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.
To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.
He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.
He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.
His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.
Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?
Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?
Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?
I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused. Thank you in advance for all your help.
I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.
It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.
This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.
My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.
If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.
My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.
So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.
You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.
Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.
Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!
And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!
Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!