Archives for February 2014

No More

So many of us struggle with the basics.

We get so caught up in the complicated aspects of our relationships that we think are the problem, that we miss the simple truths that underlie so many of our core beliefs.

These are the beliefs that keep us staying so stuck, and settling for so few crumbs.

We live like this because it's all we've ever known - or it's all we ever saw modeled for us, and we miss the fact that changing these beliefs, these ingrained habits that have become so much a part of who we are, begins the shift that changes everything.

So, starting right now, let's start making these changes.

No more chasing after someone.

No more believing he’s the only one.

No more selling yourself … to anyone.

No more waiting around for his call or text… you’re a woman with a life, not a lady-in-waiting.

No more sleeping with someone who can’t make his mind up about you.

No more focusing on someone else’s needs more than your own.

No more kidding yourself about why he won’t commit; if he won’t commit, either accept it and know what you’re signing yourself up for, or move on.

No more hanging on to someone who isn’t hanging on to you.

No more investing in a relationship where you’re the only one doing the investing.

No more waiting to be chosen; you’re doing the choosing.

No more beating yourself up for what you didn’t know, didn’t see, didn’t get, or didn’t see coming.

No more focusing on the past; right now is where your life is at.

No more living in the life-depleting should; you did the best you could with what you knew at the time!

No more hating your body, your skin, your hair, your nose, your ears. You are beautiful just as you are.

No more looking to others to complete you.

No more living your life vicariously through others; it’s time for your life to be everything you want it to be.

No more giving your power away to everyone else.

No more thinking that everyone else has something you don’t.

No more putting anyone on a pedestal.

No more pretending.

No more crying over someone who doesn’t deserve you and wasn’t compatible with you to begin with.

No more making someone your world.

No more bending and pretzeling to please someone else. It doesn’t work and hurts you more than you know.

No more saying you can’t do this.

No more excuses why everyone can do this except you.

You can do it.

But only if you really want to.

And only if you choose to.

If you’re done with what you’ve been doing and you’re ready for something different, this is where it stops. With you. With a word. With a commitment … to you.

Here's to the new you!

How about you - what are you going to say no more to? Tell us in the comments!

What's Underneath

6 Comments

“If I know what love is, it’s because of you."

These are the words that are written on a simple but beautiful magnet on my refrigerator. When I first saw it, it brought home a truth that reached through to the core of me. It still does.

You see, back in my single days, regardless of what I appeared to have going for me on the surface, or how many people couldn't understand why someone like me was still single, the truth is that it’s never about what’s on the outside of us; it’s always about what’s on the inside.

Sure, externally I may have had what people thought was all you needed to not still be single – I had the look, the clothes, the job, the car, etc. Outwardly I seemed happy and outgoing.

But the reality was that inside was an entirely different story. I didn't even realize it until much later, but the truth, my truth, was that I really believed deep down inside that there was something wrong with me.

I believed that I was missing something that everyone else seemed to have, and somehow I didn't deserve to have the love that I so wanted.

It didn't matter how confident I came across on the outside, it didn't matter how together my life appeared to be. The reality of what I truly felt about myself and what I really believed was revealed by the type of men I was attracting and the type of men I found myself attracted to.

I could hide the truth from everyone around me, but I couldn't hide it where it mattered most.

And it’s the same for you.

It doesn't matter what you have or don’t have on the outside or what it seems like to anyone else. It’s all about you – the real you, underneath the external facade.

You may not even realize the details of your belief system. But that belief system is exactly what determines so much of who you are and what you do.

It quietly shows up in so many areas of your life, usually without you even noticing.

It determines what you see and how you see it, and it will bring you exactly what you believe to be true. It shows up in who you attract into your life and who you’re drawn towards.

But it doesn't have to.

When you see it, when you have that aha moment of clarity, it will seem so obvious.

But until then it’s anything but obvious.

You're probably thinking that you're doing everything right, but it's still not working.

I know because that's exactly what I used to think.

I can list out every single relationship I was in where the only way I knew to get through was to keep doing more of the same, to keep doing everything I thought I was doing that was so different but ended up being the same thing underneath every single time. I just couldn't see it at the time.

This is about your dream. It’s about your happiness. It’s about your life.

This isn't how life is meant to be lived, especially not your life.

This isn't what love is meant to feel like. This isn't how you’re meant to feel.

Soon there will come a time when you look at the men you've been (or still are) in relationships with, and you'll realize the truth of these words for you. But it won't happen until you try something different.

It’s your time. It’s your turn.

I'm here to help you, but I can’t do it without you.

Let's get there together.

It's Just Not Sustainable

64 Comments

We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

14 Comments

Our beautiful friend Emilie is in a long distance relationship, but her guy is drifting away and becoming emotionally distant.

Her email:

I've met this guy two years ago in Spain and we went out, there was clearly a spark there. We kept in touch and I went back to Spain this summer and we fell madly in love, it was crazy. So we were able to keep our ldr but now he started university and he seems to have lost his feelings for me...I really want him back so please give me anything!

My Response:

Know that you can't make anyone love you or want to be with you, Emilie. You can only give him the time and space he's asking for and let him fill in that space himself by contacting you, by making an effort to continue with a long distance relationship.

And then you can keep living your own life, and focusing on you, and reminding yourself that love is about two people who want to be together, who are both on the same page and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I know it's hard to accept that he might not be there right now, that he might be focused on starting university and this new life he's begun for himself that makes him more distant than close. But know that if it's meant to be, if he wants the same thing as you, it will happen.

But in the meantime, accepting this, realizing that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, you can see this as an opportunity to see what else is out there for you, to be open to what shows up and what resonates with you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, Emilie, so know that whether it's this guy or not, you'll always know who's right for you because he'll want this too. It's never about you having to convince someone you want to be with him, it's about him discovering this for himself and wanting to make sure you know he does!

I know this is easier said than done, when your heart only wants him, but if you can keep this perspective, you'll eventually come to see this for yourself, too. Don't take what he does or doesn't do personally, this is only about him and where he's at and not you!

Love,

Jane

Can you relate? Share your story and words of encouragement with Emilie in the comments!

But He Takes Care Of Me

10 Comments

Ah, the high price we pay for someone to take care of us.

Because we think we need someone to take care of us. But the truth is, we don’t.

The crazy thing is that we've been taking care of everyone else for most of our lives, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we’ll put up with too much, way too much, if he'll just take care of us.

Please, just take care of me. Do it all for me. Tell me what I need to do to be with you so you’ll just take care of me, please!

You’re forgetting something so important here; the price you’re paying for being taken so well care of on the surface is not worth the price you’re paying with your soul!

Ah, you say...but he takes care of me.

He buys me things. He makes sure I’m all set.

Girls, there's an important point here. He’s not your daddy. He’s not supposed to take care of you like that.

It’s about taking care of each other; a shared experience of taking care of each other. That means both of you.

Do you see the difference? Because if you don’t, it really matters and you’re not going to attract anything different until you see that a relationship is not about Prince Charming coming to your rescue (as if you even need to be rescued – trust me, you don’t), taking care of you financially and materially, buying you things, getting you all set up.

No.

That’s what a daddy does; but your guy is not your daddy!

As much as you need your daddy to do these things and maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Chances are, your dad did the best he could with what he knew about being a dad. But chances are also that he came up short and you didn't get what you needed from him.

And that’s why many of us are looking for a father figure.

The reality is that looking for a father figure in your guy and choosing someone based on that subconscious need to find someone who can fulfill that need is not going to get you your dream guy.

Why it’s a problem

Just because our own dad wasn't there for us in the way we needed him to be doesn't mean that our need for that goes away. Needs don’t go away just because there’s no one there to meet that need; they just get buried deep down inside. And then they resurface when we’re in a situation where we might have a chance at getting that need met this time.

It’s often why we find ourselves attracted to older men. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re not finding yourself in a relationship with something who’s so much older that it’s out of balance. Like if he’s older and acting like he’s the dad and you’re younger and the daughter. Read: he’s taking care of you and you’re on the begging end without a whole lot of say in the relationship because you’re younger and he’s taking care of you and you’re the one being taken care of and it’s not healthy.

You see, we can be pretty convincing that we need someone to take care of us like that, someone who makes us feel like they love us by how well they take care of us, but the reality is that usually there’s a lot of control that goes along with that kind of care taking.

And one-sided living. And calling the shots.

And usually we feel pretty small. Like the term little woman. And big daddy.

Yeah, those might be jokes, but they can be pretty real and telling if we take a closer look at the relationships we've gotten ourselves into.

We can take care of ourselves

This isn't the dark ages; we’re not living in a time where women can’t vote, get a job, make a living, have a life, get ahead, make something of themselves.

We can do what ever we want to do and we can do it without a man! Do you hear that? You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. It’s what you choose to make of it.

You can keep waiting, hoping, praying for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to find yourself in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own.

But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you.

Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? Because you can. They just forgot to tell you one of the most important things: you can only do anything, be anything, achieve anything. As long as you believe that you can. That’s the difference between the girl that's holding out for someone to come along and make it all better and the one who really gets it and knows she can create her own happiness in her own life. And that’s exactly who you are.

So start creating your happiness!

Am I Just a Booty Call?

34 Comments

Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?

Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.

I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.

Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.

He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.

I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?

I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!

Thank you,

Cara

My Response:

Dear Cara,

I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.

It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.

Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.

It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.

But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.

And you know this.

As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.

Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.

You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.

But you’re not going to change him.

As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.

He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!

The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.

How do you do this?

You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.

What are you willing to settle for?
What are you not willing to settle for?
Can you really be just friends with him?
Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?

Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!

You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.

It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.

You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.

You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.

I know why you’re scared, Cara.

You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.

You know you’re probably going to lose him.

And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.

But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.

You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.

What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.

I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.

Love,

Jane

Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!

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No More

What's Underneath

It's Just Not Sustainable

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

Her email:

My Response:

But He Takes Care Of Me

Why it’s a problem

We can take care of ourselves

Am I Just a Booty Call?

My Response:

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