Archives for 2013

A beautiful woman standing firmly with her arms crossed in front of her depicting that she is learning to say no — Because you are just that powerful!

What you’re really asking is: where’s the dating manual that gives you the rules to navigate this crazy world of love?

It doesn't feel anything like it was supposed to feel like.

It doesn't look anything like what it was supposed to look like.

At least not at this point in your life.

And now I’m telling you you’re powerful? The last thing you feel is powerful!

But, my beautiful friend, that’s exactly what the problem is.

You’re missing the most crucial point of this all! It doesn't have to be like this.

You can take your power back, the power you've actually had all along, and you can set your own terms and see who shows up and who falls back.

It’s an adventure. You can detach and enjoy, and finally see this dating, relationship – this looking for love - for the adventure it can be!Continue Reading

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

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One of our beautiful readers recently made an observation about how I tend to talk more about letting go and getting out of a relationship that isn't working than I do about working harder to make it work. She made a very good point, and it really got me thinking.

It's very true. I do.

But there’s a reason.

It’s because staying in a bad relationship and trying to make it work is an area where most of us don't need any encouragement. We are some of the hardest working, most well-intentioned fighters to keep any relationship going. We'll just keep on trying to row that boat up a waterfall even though we're the only ones doing any of the paddling.

We're oh so understanding, hopeful and so, so optimistic. We always believe we can make him love us.

And that’s exactly why we’re hurting and having our hearts broken all too much of the time.

You’re the first to say, “We can work it out”. You’re the first to stay and try to prove just how much your relationship is worth fighting for.

Your willingness to do this is not the problem.

It’s who you’re choosing to stay and work it out with that’s causing the concern.

It’s who you're refusing to give up on that’s the problem.

I agree that relationships take some effort, and if you're with a guy that's making an effort, even if he might be falling short in some areas, then it's worth the effort on your part as well. I certainly wouldn't recommend dropping him just because he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink or his smelly socks on the floor, or that he'd rather be watching the ball game when you want to go antiquing. These kinds of things can be worked out.

But these aren't the kinds of stories that I'm hearing.

I'm hearing about the guy who's treating you like an option, a convenience. Somebody to see when there's nothing better going on. The guy who disappears for days or weeks only to re-appear and act like nothing happened. The kind of guy that's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. I'm hearing about the crumbs.

The kind of guy where you know, deep in your heart, that you deserve better.

You see, our compass is typically off on this one. We don’t know how to tell the difference between who’s worth it and who isn't.

In fact, most of us have got it backwards.

You give up too soon on the nice guy; the one who you should be staying around longer to give him more of a chance. But you refuse to give up on the player who’s only wasting more of your time while you're trying to prove to him that you’re the one who’s worth it, when that’s what he should be doing with you!

I know because I did it too.

It’s time to figure out the difference. It’s time to awaken to the point of all this. To give the nice guy a chance and let the other ones go.

Learn how to spot the real keepers.

Because if you can learn to tell the difference, you’re well on your way to finding a healthy, happy relationship.

One that really is worth fighting for.

Dream Big

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This is your life, my beautiful friend. With all of your dreams, your hopes, your desires.

You dream so big, but you ask for so little and you settle for even less.

You get so caught up in longing to begin your life with someone else, that you forget about this life you already have right here in front of you.

You falsely believe that if you just had the missing piece – him – everything else would fall perfectly in place.

But the reality is, that stage of your life will come. A time when it’s you and him. A time when “we” will replace “me” when it’s meant to be.

But right now, this is about you and your dreams and what kind of a difference in the world you can make just by being you and following your dreams and your passion.

Today, like no other time in history, you have the ability to make a difference. Right now. Right where you are.

With the internet, you can find more people like you, more community, more resources, more opportunities to connect. Which are all more outlets for making your dreams a reality.

Some of you have so graciously shared some of your ambitious, beautiful dreams with me and I've encouraged you to follow them and see where they take you.

I dare each and every one of you to take a chance on you to see where your own unique dreams may take you. Find a passion. Find your passion. It doesn't matter what it is, or what anyone else thinks about it, all that matters is that you believe that you have something to offer the world.

Because you do!

It’s your turn. It’s your life. Never again will you have this time all to yourself to choose how you want to spend every minute of it. This isn't about waiting around for your life to begin.

It’s about living the life you were born to live.

You choose.

You create it.

All you need to do is start somewhere. Anywhere.

You can do this no matter who you are. Because if I believe in you, and you believe in you, there’s no telling what you can do!

Why Do You Stay?

14 Comments

But I love him.

But I’m lonely.

But I’m getting older.

But he supports me financially.

But I’m divorced with young children.

But he takes care of me.

I hear each and every one of your reasons, my beautiful friend. And while I wish, oh how I wish with all of my heart, that I could somehow make everything all better for you, the reality is that we are all on our own journey and our own path.

You know what your priorities are.

You know what certain things are worth to you. And you know what you are willing to give up in order to get what you’re receiving in return. It's your decision.

And no one else has the right to judge you because they are not you.

And so, as much as I personally believe that once we step out of our comfort zones and step out into the unknown we find more than we could ever have asked for, you have to believe that too.

It takes courage and trust and a belief that defies all logic to go into that unknown, especially when we live in such a practical world.

So what I do say is this: find the unconventional means to getting those real needs of yours met without needing to get it from someone who gives you so little else.

If it’s love you need, find people to love who most need that beautiful love you give so freely while expecting so little in return. Look around at all the hurting people in our world and give that love to those who need it most, and you will find that the love will come back to you tenfold.

If you’re lonely, make some friends, re-connect with family, or become part of a community that fills you up so you no longer define lonely as being without a man. Look into co-housing or find a roommate situation with someone looking for someone just like you!

If you need some help with parenting your children, look into sharing housing with someone who is also in a similar situation and looking for something like this, too. In our culture we are all holed up in our individual houses far away from the villages and communities of the past, and yet we miss out on so much when we live so far away like we do. See what creative ways you can come up with to recreate the idea of a village so that the daily difficulties of raising your sweet children doesn't rest solely on your weary shoulders.

If you hear your biological clock ticking, stop settling for these men who aren't looking to commit to you and have children anytime soon. Weed those out right away by focusing solely on the real qualities you’re looking for in a husband and most importantly, a father to your children. Narrow it down to one or two of those most important qualities and don’t consider anyone who doesn't have them. There are plenty of men out there who also want to have children sooner rather than later, too.

If it’s financial security you’re looking for, look for ways to lower your living expenses. Take on a roommate, look into co-housing, move in with family or friends, move to a cheaper city or state, grow more of your own food, see what you can trade for some of your expenses. See if taking some training to get a better job might also be an option.

I know all too well how nice it is to have someone take care of us. But I also know the very high price we pay for that. When we need someone to take care of us outside of ourselves, we give so much of our own power away to them. We become indebted to them and the relationship shifts and becomes unbalanced so that we lose so much of ourselves. Ask yourself if you really need someone to take care of you, or if you might be able to take care of yourself just as well, and without the strings that come attached when we outsource our care to someone else.

My point, my wonderful friend, is that whatever your reason is for being with someone who doesn't see you the way you really are, who isn't able to give you what you’re truly looking for, sometimes there is more to that story of why we stay with someone like this if we look closer at what we really need. Try to uncover the real need that he's filling.

If you can fill those needs through other creative out-of-the-box ways, you will find your cup full enough that you don’t need to settle for less than what you deserve anymore.

Or ever again.

Am I Too Nice?

18 Comments

Some recent questions I've gotten from a few of our beautiful readers are: How can I stop being so nice? How can I stop being so emotional? I want to be the dream girl, not the doormat!

Here's my response:

You are nice! You are emotional! Not only do you not need to stop, you need to love about yourself the very fact that you have these beautiful qualities!

You have the ability to feel, to empathize, to care, to love - and to do these all so deeply. These are special gifts you have to share with someone who is worthy of you! Someone who is looking for someone just like you because these are the qualities you possess. But when you are just getting to know someone, there's no possible way to know if this is someone you want to share these qualities – essentially, your YOU – with. You don’t know him well enough yet to know if this is someone you really want to have anything to do with at all!

I know how this happens because it used to happen to me all too often. Someone would come into my life and start paying so much attention to me that I was so flattered I would immediately start going into my programming. If he was confident, attractive and had those other surface factors that piqued my interest, I was there. I was showing him just how much of a catch I was, how much I had to offer him and giving him every reason to stop looking any further because I was everything he could possibly want in a girlfriend!

But there was something I had missed in this process. I wasn't taking my time to get to know him. I wasn't slowing things down to a speed that would allow me to do this. I was too excited, too caught up in his potential and the pace he was setting that I wasn't taking the time to figure out if he was really the right guy for me.

What I didn't now then that I do know now is that if he was the right guy for me, he wouldn't think I was too nice, or too emotional, in fact he would love those qualities about me!

This isn't about pretending to be something you’re not. While much of the popular dating advice centers around how to play it cool and how to play hard to get – where it falls short is that if you’re not there, if you’re not in that place in your life where you’re so confident of your worth and what you have to offer and you have enough of a life that behaving like this comes from your real self, pretending is going to have the opposite effect. You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!

You see, this isn't about you being too emotional, too nice, or not playing it cool enough. This is about you being who you really are!

It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet. It’s about being your true emotional self but also bringing in that practical side that we forget to bring along all too often so that she can give us her honest assessment of whether or not he’s worthy of all you have to offer him – because you do have so much to offer!

It’s not about playing hard to get, but actually being hard to get because you know that no man is worth dropping your own life, your own interests, your own friends and family for.

No matter how tempting it is for us to rush into things, to get so caught up in being in love and letting our emotions run wild because we’re so ready to be done looking for love, it's never worth it. The reality is that the only thing this kind of reaction does is get us so caught up in our fantasies - that are the farthest thing from reality - that we can’t get bring ourselves to get out once we’re in. And that’s what takes so much time!

Going through this process of falling so hard so fast and losing ourselves in another human being only to find out too late that you weren't on the same page, only hurts us in the end. Then we spend so much time in the recovery process – letting go and getting over someone who wasn't right for us if we had just taken the time in the beginning to find this out before investing so much of ourselves. It’s no wonder it’s hard to justify ending something that we've invested so much of ourselves in!

Take that time in the beginning. Slow things down. Make him wait for you. Keep living your own beautiful life that you've created for yourself and let him be a part of all this slowly enough so you can see just how compatible he really is with you. If he’s not the one for you, you want to find this out sooner, not later, before you've invested so much of your beautiful you!

It doesn't matter who he is, what he has to offer, or how much of a catch he seems to be; you’re the catch, my beautiful friend! You save your own beautiful, feeling, loving, giving self for someone who is looking for those qualities in you.

If he’s right for you and this is meant to be, there’s nothing you ever need to be except yourself. And that's true regardless of how nice, how emotional, or how whatever else you are!

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Dream Big - Part 2

It's Time to Take Back Your Power

The Difference Between Giving Up Too Soon and Giving Up Too Much

Dream Big

Why Do You Stay?

Am I Too Nice?

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