Archives for 2013

What To Do When You're Not Getting The Commitment You Want

It's what you want. The whole thing. The real deal. A fully committed relationship with him.

And yet here you are again, with another man who seems to be battling commitment phobia, settling for whatever he'll give because you've gone there once again. It might have started out innocently enough, with him acting and talking like he's on the same page as you. Or he might have come right out and told you he's not ready for anything serious, and yet you still believe that you and your love can change anyone. Either way, if it's a commitment you're looking for, no matter how amazing he seems, no matter how attractive he is, no matter how much he seems like everything you've been looking for in a man, the smartest thing you can do is hold onto your you and refuse to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

The more attracted you are to him, the harder this is going to be for you. But just because there's that spark, that energy, that attraction you feel on so many levels, doesn't mean that he's the one for you or that he's looking for the same thing you are (read: a commitment). It only means that you are attracted to someone that you don't know very well yet, and you certainly don't know if he's on the same page as you when it comes to something as important to you as commitment.

A harsh reality.

I know; you don't want to hear this. You don't want me to burst your bubble like this. But the reality is that all too often we get our hearts involved so deeply, our emotions embroiled in someone who says and does all the right things, that we forget to bring our more practical thinking side with us. Because the reality is, you don’t know enough about him yet to make a decision about him. He hasn't shown you his true self. You don't know how much you have in common. You don't know if you're compatible with him in the truest sense of compatibility beyond the attraction and excitement stage. And most important of all, he hasn't proven himself to be worthy of you and all that you are and all that you have to offer!

The downward spiral.

But the problem is, once you've gone there, once you're in over your head and letting your emotions take over, it's too late. He'll know he's got you. He'll know he doesn't have to do much more to keep you. He'll know that he doesn't have to give you that level of commitment you really want to you to keep you in his life. He's gotten to know you well enough to know that you're the kind that's worth keeping around for when he is ready to commit to you. But that's not good enough for you! And it's not even close to what you deserve! And by then, you won't be able to get out. You'll be in so over your head, you'll have given so much of yourself away, that you won't be able to extricate yourself from him without a whole lot of heartbreak.

But it's changeable.

By keeping one single thought in mind from the very beginning that you first meet someone, or cast a glance in his direction.

Don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

So, if he's not willing to give you the kind of commitment that you know you want, this means:

You don't give him your emotional or physical self.
You don't make excuses for him.
You don't wait for him.
You don't put him on a pedestal.
You don't give him any more time or energy than you give anyone else in your life.

The point is that you are meeting him where he is, you are accepting the reality of his lack of commitment for what it is, and you are living your life within that reality. You are pursuing your own interests, your own passions, and you are open to anyone who can give you the kind of committed relationship that you truly want. You realize that you are the one that's in control - it's your decision whether to stay or leave. You have the power to decide the fate of the relationship - you can stay and hedge your bets by keeping yourself open to other possible relationships, or you can leave at any time. Truly knowing this deep down in your heart, and living your life this way will give you the power and the confidence that you need to be the strong woman that you truly are.

You are powerful.

You can do this. I know you can. And in the process, you'll find out what he's really made of and whether he's really worth your you. And then, and only then, when he's committing to you first, before you go there, you'll find a relationship unequal to anything you've ever had before. But you'll never know, you'll never have the chance to find out what you have is with someone who is on the same page as you, until you demand nothing less from him and refuse to settle for anything less than that full commitment you really want.

And that, my beautiful friend, is everything you deserve!

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

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We can feel so lost sometimes. We wonder when love will find us, how it will happen, and what it will look like, and we forget just how much in control of our lives and our search for love we really are. Yes, fate or the Universe or God, or whatever you believe in, may all play a role and ultimately step in and help guide our path and the path of our true love when we are both ready to find each other, but there is so much more to our story.

There is a part that we are so very much in control of that we can do everything about. It begins with a decision that you can do something right here, right now, beginning with today. You can begin to live a whole new life with the beautiful, wonderful, loving person that is the real you. You can decide right now that you are going to begin anew, right where you are, and see where this new path may lead.

It begins with getting in touch with who you are and all that you have to offer. It always means more when you put it down in writing, so write a love letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself, everything that makes you beautiful and wonderful and special and unique. Describe in detail those things that you do and those qualities you possess that give you that spring in your step and make you feel alive when you do them. Remind yourself of all of your accomplishments, big or small. This exercise is about reminding you of who you are and all the beautiful attributes you possess that make you uniquely you. It's to remind you that you deserve to be loved!

The next step is to make a list. Write out everything you have ever wanted to do but didn't think you could or didn't have time, or were told you couldn't do for whatever reason - all the way back to your earliest childhood memories. Try a new sport, take a dance class, learn to play the cello,whatever it may be. Even if you’re not sure if you could really do it, include it anyway. This isn't about limiting yourself; it’s about exploring everything you've ever even thought about doing. Even if it seems silly! Then go out there and try one or two.

One of the things I've found that always seems to put my own life in perspective is to give back to others who are in so many ways less fortunate. So I would encourage you to consider volunteering for something you're passionate about. How would you change the world if you could do anything? If money was no object and if there were no limits on what you could accomplish? How could you make a difference? Most importantly, what are you passionate about? Begin there by answering those questions and see where that takes you.

Wherever you feel you could you make that difference in the world, start in your local community. Take the time to explore this, to ask yourself these questions and find out what you really care about and where you would really enjoy making a difference in the lives of others. There are so many possibilities to explore!

Sometimes, we just have to get creative and look outside of the box to find our own answers. You are never too old to begin again, to live your life at the beginning, like the little girl inside you that so many of us forget is always there waiting for her turn to show you all that she’s capable of, if only she's given half a chance. When we connect with that part of ourselves that knows all this, that just needs a reminder; we find a real kind of living. The kind where the possibilities seem endless and don’t hinge on us being in the right place at the right time, waiting for life to reward us.

Instead, we find a rich journey full of so much life and love because we go after it, we go exploring that part of ourselves that knows all of this. There is no secret to this seeking of love and a life worth living that makes everything else in the world rise up to meet us. It’s right there, right in front of you beginning today right where you are, wherever that may be.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. People defy the odds and statistics all the time. This is about you stepping out and finding out that it is at the intersection of your fullest life and your greatest outpouring of love, there waiting for you is exactly the one your heart and soul have been looking for all this time.

And you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than this!

Bring Love Into Your Life With This One Simple Habit

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Once you make a habit of noticing all of the little things there are to be grateful for your entire life will change for the better. A beautiful woman is lying in the grass looking at a dandelion thinking of everything she has to be grateful for. — "Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

I've been having a tough day. My son is three days into his second bout of flu this season, just a few days after his little sister finally got over the same flu. He kept me up most of the night, I'm tired, the house is a disaster and I now can't even see the bottom of my to-do list. It's days like this that I dig deep in my coping-mechanism toolbox and pull out the one thing that can consistently pull me out of the deepest of funks:

Gratitude.

That's right. Being grateful.

But how can you be grateful when it seems like everything in your life is going wrong? Well, that's the beauty of gratitude. It can take the most negative of things and magically turn them around to be positive. For example, as difficult as it is to deal with a sick, cranky child I'm grateful that it's not something worse. I can be grateful that there hasn't been a trip to the hospital; I can be grateful that I'm not also sick at the same time. I can be grateful that he doesn't have something that requires chemotherapy. I'm grateful that he's alive.

When you can train yourself to look at life's problems and challenges in this way, it really reminds you of what's truly important, and even what seem like the biggest of mountains quickly shrinks to the molehill that it really is.

I don't do this as often as I should, but when I do spend a few minutes and really look around myself at what I can be grateful for, it always brightens my day, my mood, and my life. And I find that this quickly transfers to those around me.

Once you make a habit of noticing all of the little things there are to be grateful for, your entire life will change for the better. It's not an easy habit to create, and it will take daily practice, but the results that you see in your life will be well worth the effort spent.

The good news is that by cultivating a daily "attitude of gratitude" you will automatically start to feel better about yourself, your life, your circumstances, and even your relationship status. And once you start to feel better about all of these things, you will start to exude this happiness and radiate a level of confidence that you've never had before. A nice little side effect of all of this new found happiness and confidence is that you will start to attract love into your life from all sides, including the romantic side.

So take a few minutes every day, preferably in the morning but it doesn't really matter – whatever time works for you is fine – and think of three or four things that you are grateful for. Write them down if you can. You can keep it short and sweet, but there's something about the act of writing things down really makes them stick in your head. If you're not in a place where you can easily write, or if you don't have a pen and paper (or smartphone) handy, then just close your eyes and quietly think about them in your head.

If you're having trouble, here are a few to get you started:

Your friends, your family, your support system (whoever that may be). We all have special people in our lives that are there for us when we need them, whether that be your parents, close friends, or just the people you eat lunch with at work.
Your furry little friend that is so excited every time you walk in the door, no matter what kind of mood you're in.
I know it sounds silly, but being grateful for the world around you – for flowers and birds and sunshine – can be amazingly uplifting and healing. Feel the sun (or rain, or snow) on your face and really experience it!
Be grateful that your past relationships didn't work out (there's a reason you're not with him anymore, and it's because it wasn't right for you).
Don't forget to be grateful for yourself – that you are so kindhearted, sensitive, and capable of such love. Think of all of the ways that you've "been there" for yourself, and have taken care of yourself and treated yourself well (and make a note to keep doing those things!).

Another good way to really feel the gratitude is to thank others for things they have done that you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be over the top (in fact, it's better if it's not) – just a simple "By the way, I wanted to thank you for what you said in the meeting the other day", or a quick note to say "I just wanted you to know that I really appreciated how you helped me through my tough day last week. It really meant a lot to me". It's very simple to do, and will do wonders both for the person you are thanking and for your own happiness for the day.

Try this for a week and let me know if it's made any differences in your life, either in how you feel, or in your relationships with others, or both. Send me an email or tell us all about it in the comments.

By the way, I want to let you know that I really appreciate the time you've taken to visit my site and read my post today. Thank you.

I'm very grateful that you're here.

The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Won't Commit

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You know exactly who you are.

You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment that would make everything perfect.

And now you know all that's left to do is accept that he just isn't there, isn't on the same page you are, and let him go. Except for one thing. You simply can't imagine just letting him go and moving on with your life.

You'd love to be able to just say "next", but that's just not you.

Because you're you. And because you're you – that beautiful, soft, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, helpful, giving, caring, hopeful you – is exactly why you're about to do the very worst thing you could do.

You blame yourself.

You start thinking you were too pushy, too naggy, too demanding, too impatient, too sensitive, too insecure, too anxious, too needy.

You beat yourself up, you berate yourself, telling yourself if you had only done things differently, you would be together.

You keep going back and second guessing yourself, admonishing yourself that if only you had done this, or if only you hadn't done that. If only you hadn't said that. If only you hadn't gone there. If only, if only, if only.

Until finally, you convince yourself that this is really all your fault, that you simply aren't enough for him, that there is something wrong with you. I know that's what you're thinking because that's what I always thought too. Well, I have one thing to say to you:Continue Reading

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day

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It’s the day I remember all too well. As the entourage of flower and hearts and candy deliveries made their way into the office, the most I could usually hope for was my own Valentine’s bouquet sent from my well-meaning Mom (thanks Mom!)

Or it was a beautiful show of flowers from someone I was with that knew how to do all the surface things, but anything deeper than that was a whole different story.

But what I came to realize over the years, was that typically all of the fanfare hid the fact that there was very little depth behind these outward shows of affection. That the show of roses was about an expectation that’s come to be associated with this holiday, but doesn't necessarily show the real love of a real heart of a real man.Continue Reading

It's Time to Raise the Bar!

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Don't ever doubt that you teach him how to treat you. That each of us teaches each and every man out there how to treat us and every other woman who comes after us. When you're wondering how he can ask for your number and then never call. When you're wondering how he can text you at the last minute on a Friday night and ask if the two of you can get together. When you're wondering how he can lead you on and then one day reveal that he was never interested in anything more than a casual relationship when you finally get up the nerve to ask.

There's only one reason: it's because we've put up with this.

He learned that from yet another beautiful woman who went before you that accepted less than she deserved. And the ones before her as well. We've all collectively taught men that they can get away with treating us like this.

You see, we've made everyone so proud of just how accommodating and understanding we are, that we never knew, in our hearts, that someone has to earn the right to be with us. To have us in their lives. We learned that good little girls simply agree and go along with what others want us to be if it means they will love us and give us the life we're looking for. That security, and feeling of being chosen, being lovable, that we so crave on every level of our awareness.

And so we lower the bar.

We just keep lowering the bar on what we'll settle for, and in the process we teach him how little we will require from him if he'll only choose us.

And so we jump when he calls us or texts us. We hold off on making plans until the last minute in the hope that he'll finally make plans with us first.

We wait.

We hold off on living our own lives, blazing our own path because he's so close and he's all that. And our own missed opportunities come and go. Our own dreams never see their fulfillment. He has no idea what we're capable of, of the woman we really are, because we're afraid to scare him off. After all, we tell ourselves, he might not want a strong woman or one who isn't afraid to speak her mind.

We forget that someone who is truly meant for us is looking for exactly who we are! He isn't intimidated by any part of us, and in fact, he has been waiting for someone just exactly like we are.

And the most important part is that when it's right, he feels the same way about us as we feel about him. That's what makes it work.

Not anything you think you have to do to make him love you.

Not anything you believe you have to settle for to get him to keep coming back for more.

Not anything you think you have to prove to have someone like him love you.

Because every time you behave like this, every time you show him that it's OK to treat you like this, you teach him that it is OK.

But it's not.

It never is. It's time to raise the bar. For you, and for every woman that comes after you who comes to understand this truth, too.

You, my beautiful friend deserve so much more than this!

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What To Do When You're Not Getting The Commitment You Want

A harsh reality.

The downward spiral.

But it's changeable.

You are powerful.

It's Time to Stop Waiting and Start Living

Bring Love Into Your Life With This One Simple Habit

Gratitude.

The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Won't Commit

You blame yourself.

A New Perspective on Valentine's Day

It's Time to Raise the Bar!

And so we lower the bar.

We wait.

But it's not.

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