Archives for 2013

So What If He Hasn't Called

Close up of womans hand using mobile phone on a bokeh background, symbolizing that her boyfriend doesn't text her. — Do you see a pattern here?

I remember it all too well. We had exchanged phone numbers, and now the ball was in his court. Then the anxiety would start: Would he call? How long would it take? Why hasn't he called? Did he lose my number? Should I call him? Has it been too long?

There was so much stuff around that all important phone call. Even if he had already made that initial call, it didn't always change. Instead, it became: Would he call again? How long would he wait before he called again? If I call him, will he call me back? If we talked about getting together and then he didn't call, what did that mean? What if the plans weren't firm? How long is too long? And on and on and on.

You get the picture.

And even though we know we can call him if we really want to, if it means more to us to ease our own anxiety than to wonder when or if he'll call, we don't really want to. We just want him to call us.

So because this seems to be an almost universal condition of us loving, giving, well intentioned women, this waiting and wondering why and when we're going to hear from him, I've given this some thought lately. And here's the way I see it:Continue Reading

How Do I Find The Strength To Walk Away

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Here's a letter sent in by one of our tender readers who is desperately trying to find the strength to walk away from an all too common situation that she knows is unhealthy (the letter has been edited and name changed for anonymity):

Dear Jane,

I have been dating a man for the past few years. We started off as friends, and I knew he was still involved with a woman in another state. He pursued me relentlessly, calling, texting, and being in contact with me every day, consistently over the years. I started developing strong feelings for him, and started wanting more. I never questioned his feelings for me, since he showed it by his actions. I decided to ask him one day this was about two years into the relationship, how he felt about me, and he said he hadn't thought about it. That was hard for me, and it not only bothered me that he never thought about it, but I felt crushed.

I was in so deep already that I continued to see him, and decided to just go with the flow, but in the back of my mind and in my heart I wanted more from him. A couple months ago, he told me the woman he calls his girlfriend was coming to see him, and he would continue to call me, but it might not be as often. He asked me not to be mad, but at this point I felt devastated. It was then I decided that I could not live my life like this anymore. I felt so ashamed and like I was so insignificant.

I started to distance myself, but he kept calling and texting acting like everything was ok. I cut off contact totally for about a week, not answering his calls and texts and that made him mad. The woman left last month, and since then he has become cold and distant towards me. The texts and phone calls were limited to once a day, and a few days there were none. We continued to keep in touch, but the conversations changed to just surface chatter like how our days were, or just checking in.

I know this man is not available for me. After all this time, if he loved me he would want to define what I mean to him, but he says he can't. I am so hurt, and depressed, because things were so good between us, and now he is showing a side of him that I never saw before. The last straw was yesterday, when he said that I knew he had another woman in his life, and that our relationship was never defined. I took that very hard, because by his actions I thought at the least I was someone special.

I no longer want to be involved with him, and do not call or text him. He continues to initiate the calls telling me he is thinking of me, he misses me. I sometimes don't respond, which makes me feel bad, even though those feelings of guilt are lesser for me now. I know I deserve better and need to cut all ties with this man, but it is so hard for me to just walk away. I know this is not a good situation for me, but I can't confide to my friends what is going on, since I put him on a pedestal, and told them how wonderful he was and how he treated me like a princess, he showered me with attention, bought me roses, the whole works, but still can't open up about how he feels about me. I am embarrassed that I went along with him knowing he had a girlfriend and that is why I can't discuss this with my friends. I need the inner strength to walk away. Help!!

My Response:

Dear Susan,

If you haven't already read my post on letting go of this shame and beating yourself up like this, please read it. You are being so hard on yourself, Susan, and you don't deserve any of this judgment from either yourself or anyone else. None of it.

This isn't about what anyone else thinks, or how you could have settled for being with someone who had someone else in his life besides you. This is about you, my beautiful friend. You can do this. You are that strong. You have the strength to walk away and say to yourself "I deserve so much better than this!" and mean it. Because you do. The irony is always that it's when we settle for someone treating us like this, that we miss out on someone who would never treat us this way because we waste so much of our time and energy and ourselves on this person who simply isn't capable of giving us anything more. But it's never too late to change this, Susan. And you can make that change right now. By refusing to settle for this man and anyone else who could be with anyone else while he's with you. By standing up for yourself and setting a boundary on what you will and won't do in the name of love. Words are so easy to say; so many men have no problem letting loving words bounce off their lips while their behavior is anything but loving.

Know that you can do this, Susan; that there's no shame in what we learn not to do in the name of love when we're in it. It's how we grow, how we learn, even if we're afraid to admit it. You're not alone, there's so many of us who have been there and done things we're not proud of because it was where we were at the time. You're still everything you are, with so much to offer someone who proves himself worthy of you, my beautiful friend. And one day, you, too, will look back on all of this as a learning experience that taught you to believe in yourself in spite of what any he says or does.

You deserve everything love and life have to offer you, Susan; it's up to you to accept it!

What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant To Be

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One of the most difficult and frustrating parts of my journey was always the fact that no matter how much I worked on certain areas of my life, there were some things that I just couldn't seem to change no matter how much I tried. Namely, it was how personally I took everything, how deeply I would let the realities of my relationships affect me, how much I would let other people's expectations of me affect my mood, my happiness, my life. I used to beat myself up mercilessly over these, wondering why I couldn't change this part of me. I tried all the suggestions I read over and over, but nothing seemed to work. These issues ran so deep.

And then I just felt worse, because in being so hard on myself, I had now created a situation where not only was I still taking things so personally, but I was also creating the emotions of anger and frustration at myself for being this way. No wonder I just wanted to bury myself under the covers and stay there until the world went away. Or at least until I finally got it right.

But since then I've come to realize that everything, in fact, comes together in our lives based on who we are, and that includes those parts of ourselves that are so resistant to change because they are so ingrained. Our programming, our core personality traits, those messages we did receive. Even if we would have preferred things to have been different. It wasn't about what we didn't get, what we weren't like, what we hadn't been able to overcome. The way our lives have worked out, and the route our journeys have taken on the road to finding ourselves and the love in our lives, is all part of the life that we are meant to live and are living now. And with those words, we can accept all those imperfections about ourselves. Because it might not have been the way we would have chosen to have our lives go, but the end result is exactly the way our lives are meant to be. As imperfect and difficult as it sometimes feels.

And so for you, my beautiful friend who forgets your own worth all too often and focuses too much on what you don't have and what you think you need someone's permission to do and become, I invite you to stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up so harshly, stop being so hard on yourself. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from yourself or anyone else.

Don't let anyone into your life who doesn't get this, and don't let yourself do this to you for a second more! Whatever it is you can't seem to accept about yourself, whatever it is you keep beating yourself up about it. Stop. Your life will come out the way it's meant to not just in spite of you and these imperfections you can't seem to rid yourself of, but because of these parts of you that make you the person you are.

The very beautiful person that you are.

You Don't Need Permission

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We all have times when we feel like I'm just not sure if I can do this, or Who am I to think that I can be like that?

It seems like such a stretch to think of ourselves as strong enough, or good enough, or just enough in general to aspire to actually be or do something outside of our comfort zone.

I felt this so many times when I was single, it was like an old friend.

Who you do think you are that he would choose you?

Why would he want to commit to you?

What could you possibly have to offer him that would make him want to be with you?

It was enough to squelch what little self-confidence and self-esteem I had managed to muster up, and once again I would find that I was looking outside of myself for someone to validate me. Someone to give me permission to be all that I knew deep down inside I really already was.Continue Reading

Should I Wait and Hope He Changes His Mind?

13 Comments

Here's a letter sent in by one of our beautiful readers, and I find that the questions she asks and the themes here are very common (the letter has been slightly edited for anonymity):

"Dear Jane - I was seeing a man for just under a year, everything was great, except he would not tell people we were together. He was going through a divorce, which happened before we met. I met his family and got along great with them. At times he did see other women when we were together. We had a vacation together in the summer, it was all beautiful. But just before the beginning of the year he told me that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he ever will have feelings for me on that level. He also told me that he doesn't see me in a romantic way, but he said he does think of me as his best friend and he respects me more than any other woman he's ever been with. He asked if we could still be friends, but I said no. I was too upset. However, since then, we have exchanged a few text messages, and he still asks if I'd have sex with him, to which I say no. It's so hard for me, I love this man, I really do. I don't get how a guy can spend Christmas with me, his choice, he asked me, we had such a great time, take me to his parents and spend a family evening, then 3 days later end it. He is in his late thirties, so he isn't a child. He has children as do I. I'm heart broken, but another guy is interested in me. Do I forget about him, and start again, or wait and hope he changes his mind? I really thought this man cared for me, after a year I stupidly even thought he loved me. It hurts, please help me."

My Response:

This is one of those times that you really need to hear what he's saying and believe him even if it doesn't make any sense to you. It wasn't stupid to think that he loved you; it's what it seemed like to you and would have seemed like to anyone else in your position. Don't beat yourself up here; just be glad he's being this honest with you, even if it hurts, even if you don't understand it. By being honest about how he feels, you're being given a gift so that you can move on with your life and free yourself up for someone who will love you and who will see you in both a romantic way and as a best friend.

You deserve nothing less than this; and as much as you want to believe that waiting a little longer for him to change, to come around and commit to you, the reality is, you can't change change him. You can't make him love you. If it's going to be, if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen but not because you wait around to see if anything changes, but because both of you would be on the same page and wanting the same thing. That's what makes it work.

You deserve nothing less than that, and the sooner you can accept his answer and move on, the easier this will all be for you. I know it's not easy, but for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you, this is the choice he has made. But you also have a choice. Instead of seeing it as yet another loss, try and see that you are free; free to focus your time and energy on yourself and doing the work to figure out what you can do differently to attract someone into your life who will be everything that you so deserve. Free to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Don't let anyone else into your life who doesn't first show you that he is worthy of you and all that you have to offer. Make sure he's worth your beautiful heart, your beautiful you.

What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!

Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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She's confident, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows she's not going to accept anything less than she deserves. So full of confidence. A table card with the word "Next" sits on a white table. — Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.

You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.

But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.

But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.

It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.

It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.

It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.

It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.

It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!

It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!

It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!

Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.

And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.

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So What If He Hasn't Called

How Do I Find The Strength To Walk Away

My Response:

You Are Exactly Where You Are Meant To Be

You Don't Need Permission

Should I Wait and Hope He Changes His Mind?

My Response:

Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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