It's heart-wrenching any time a relationship ends where we've invested so much of ourselves. But it's even more painful when the goodbyes are never actually said.
When it suddenly becomes clear that it's over, but we don't really know why.
We're left alone with only our own unanswered questions to keep us company.
It's so difficult because there's no closure.
I know many of you have experienced this at one time or another, and I have, too. One of our beautiful readers, Michelle, is experiencing this right now.
If you've been there, if you've gone through this, I'm sure she would appreciate any words of encouragement from you. Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I'm 43 and have been in a relationship with a 45 year old man for 2 1/2 years. The relationship recently ended and I'm having trouble with how it all happened.
Over the 2 1/2 years we were together there were some challenges, but all in all, it was a great, solid and healthy relationship. He; however, had severe commitment issues as a result of a divorce 7 years ago which he is still coming to terms with (no kids).
During a period where he was dealing with some major work challenges (last August) we broke up because he was just unable to be a good partner to me with everything else going on.
It was absolutely devastating but after a month or so I had it all in perspective and started to rebuild my life. I became stronger and more confident than I'd been in years and I was feeling great.
We stayed in sporadic touch during this time and finally agreed to meet back in October to just say hi. He had been very depressed and lonely and when he saw the "new" me he immediately wanted me back.
He courted me like it was the very beginning, doing things he had never done before. He professed his love and commitment on a daily basis.
Needless to say we reunited and this time I was positive it was forever. (He works overseas a lot so after we reunited there were periods of two months each where he would go away).
He talked of marriage in May, wedding rings, being a step dad to my 14 year son, etc. We went on vacations and spent lots of great time together.
Then recently he got a job offer back in his home state of SC where his family all lives. He takes it and I just assume that we will all go together, once he proposes.
But I start to notice a change in him.
He becomes withdrawn and introspective. Our affection and intimacy wanes and I begin to wonder if he even LIKES me anymore. All the declarations of love stop, seemingly overnight.
He sells his house in Florida and we go on a trip to Ireland. When we return he comes to stay with me and my son for a couple weeks before leaving for good. It was great together - but lacking an intimate or romantic feel.
I tried to bring "us" up a couple times before he left but he said he needed time to think so I gave him space. Needless to say, he left for SC without a word about us.
I was left wondering if we were broken up or going to try to do the long distance thing.
I kept pushing him to talk but he kept saying it wasn't a good time, or he needed to be in a better frame of mind to have this conversation and think clearly.
He said things like, our times together are great, but sometimes I think they should be greater, or I know you love me, but are you IN LOVE with me, blah, blah, blah.
After he had been gone for two weeks and we still hadn't had the conversation, I went ahead and made the call because I had no other choice. After several emotional emails, I finally just sent the "one" that ended it all.
I still love him very much but I am beginning to understand why we can't or shouldn't be together.
My challenge now is closure.
He literally walked away from 2 1/2 years without a word about why or anything like "thanks for the good times."
There wasn't a single conversation and it all just seems so unresolved. I don't care to know why he didn't want to commit to me, but I feel like he owes me some parting words.
I asked for space and distance (he said he wanted to remain friends) but now I am consumed with these feelings of wanting to reach out and ask for some sense of closure or last words.
I feel cheated out of having this conversation in person or being looked in the eye when we ended something that was so special to me and to him, or so I thought.
I am an adult and can get over the relationship and move on with my life, but I don't like the lingering feelings I have of thinking that I just meant nothing to him. Advice?
My Response:
You didn't mean nothing to him, Michelle, he just wasn't there where you were on that same page as much as he wanted to be. He just couldn't do it for reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
I so understand about the closure part.
Of course you can move on and make a new life for yourself without it. You did it last year and you proved to yourself just how strong you really are and how much you really do have to offer someone who truly deserves you and - most importantly - is where you're at when it comes to commitment.
But of course this has left you with such an "ugh" feeling. You're not going to get it from him, though.
Not the explanation, the closure, the thanks, or the acknowledgement.
He can't do it.
He knows that you want this. He knows you deserve an explanation.
But all he can do is come up with excuses because he doesn't know what to say or how to put it into words. He wanted it to work, too. Know this. On some level he did.
But he just wasn't there and couldn't bring himself to admit that to you or let you down or hurt you or deal with that kind of conflict or confrontation.
So this closure has to come from you.
Whatever you need to do to make you feel better. Write a letter or email -but don't send it. Accept him and what's happened and know that some things don't have reasons. They just need to be for our own good.
You couldn't have been truly happy with him the way he was, Michelle. and he knew this, too. So see it as a gift. You found out now before you wasted any more time with him.
And comfort yourself by knowing that if, down the road, this is meant to be with him, it will be. But it'll come from him and then you can decide where you're at. With your eyes wide open.
Sometimes people think they can do something, but their issues are so great, they can't. And they can't live with themselves that way. So they avoid. And miss out on a growth opportunity for them. But this isn't about him, it's about what you need to do to move on.
Can you accept him for the way he is? Can you let him go knowing this is the best he can do? Can you accept that you can't make anyone tell you their truth? Can you accept that he probably doesn't even know himself?
I know it's hard to not have that last conversation, but clearly, he didn't want it and couldn't do it.
Acceptance of this fact is the only way I know of too truly move on. You don't have to understand it. Just accept it.
And write it all out. All the things you want to say. All the things you want him to tell you. All the questions. Then let it go.
You can keep trying to chase him down, looking for that explanation from him, but what really does that do for you? Go get YOU back, Michelle, whatever you did and however you discovered your beautiful, confident self last year, get her back. It's time for her to say, "Next!" And let him disappear into the background. You've been through enough.
Hope this helps. I know it's so much easier said than done.
Love, Jane
Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Michelle? Share them with us in the comments.
Hi Jane,
I came across your post and it's has helped me so much. My boyfriend of 2.5 years has disappeared on me. Things were going well, talked about the future. He would always mention where we would live, having kids and starting a life together. We took a long weekend together and I finally brought up when our future would finally happen as we are both in our 30s. Well, that's when his disappearing started taking place. He would make plans and cancel them. Then finally he called and told me he needed space to think about things. I agreed and we both agreed to talk again at a certain date. We also agreed he was going to be the one to reach out and if his answer was a no, I would respect that and move on. Well, the day came and went and it's been two months and I haven't heard a word from him. He's literally disappeared. I feel hurt and completely disrespected. Sometimes I look back on things and I know there were red flags like the fact he kept talking about his ex and how she's desperate to get him back, he kept assuring me that he wasn't going back with her and he moved on. I feel foolish for believing his lies and scared to date again. I'm sure he's back with his ex, just wished he could have just told me that it's over instead of disappearing on me. We've had a lot of history together. We were friends growing up and our mothers were good friends. I moved away from the area and we reconnected about 25 years. I just never thought in a thousand years our relationship would come down to him pulling a disappearing act and just avoiding me. It shows me his true colors and what kind of person he really is. Thanks again for your post, it makes me feel a lot better.
I'm glad this helped, Zoey. Please don't put this on you - this is what we do. We believe because we're believers, we're lovers, we're the ones who wear our hearts on our sleeves. These are your strengths! They show you who's safe and who's not. Honestly, Zoey, without these, you wouldn't know. Now you can look back and see just how much you knew. You saw those red flags, you just didn't want to believe them. None of us ever do! But now you know you need to, and next time, you will.
Thank you so much Jane...Have been in the same situation after 3.5 months dating, suddenly stopped replying my last texts and disappeared. All you said and comments really helped me!Thanks you again!
So glad this resonated with you and helped you see clearly what you needed to, Candice. Thank you!
Hello, I have a bit of a dilemma. After a 12 year relationship ended I took some time off.. After a year I began dating an old high school friend that was recently separated. I know, my mistake.. He was with his soon to be ex for 14 years, married for 7. They have a 13 year old daughter. I truly believe we are soul mates, we both know this. We admitted we loved each other last September, a year ago...He would stay with me while he was in the midst of selling his house..We took vacations together, I met his daughter and they would stay with me throughout the year.. But he would always disappear, he has done it six times. I believe in the no contact rule, I would just go on with my life and he would call. He would state he had things to think about, he missed his daughter, etc...He would always think too much.. With me I would provide a happy, fulfilled future but he could never fully commit and move in with me..We would talk about it but he would never do it... We are so close...Well, I just found out a month ago that he has had a gambling problem for 20 years, he has smoked for 30 years..OMG, I am just finding this out now...But, I told him I am here to help him get thru anything. He said he is not used to someone so fully in touch with helping him, loving him so much...So all of this has been going on all summer...It is now September, 2016 and we are still in the same boat.. Well, last Friday he calls me and said that he will never be normal for me that I deserve much better.. He can't give me what he needs financially since he has to take care of his ex and daughter since she is not self reliant, can't afford anything...He said his company may be downsizing.. I don't know what to do..I had just purchased new bedroom furniture for us and his daughter.. Well, after going back and fourth for 40 minutes I finally had enough while talking in the driveway,.. I said, I have to go, I have furniture to return and I have to go and I hung up the phone on him. I haven't talked to him since last Friday, 6 days ago...It looks like it is no contact for good now..But I love him and miss him but, I won't contact him...Thanks for reading...
I am currently going through this right now. a man I was with for 3 years never had his things together and lost two jobs while being together and I always supported him. lost his job, apartment, car and I supported him and one night something so little made him flip out and left moved back home up north 1000 miles away, without telling me. all I got from him was that he was really hurt and I tried and tried cause we had done the whole on and off thing for a while but he just told me to stop and it was best for us to go our seperate ways. It broke my heart. I went out of my way for something who didn't offer me anything but insecurity and anxiety. he left all his things in my house. not just clothes but everything from his apartment. clothes, documents, furniture, photos, appliances, kitchen things everything. all I got from him was that he wouldn't dare to come back to florida and to donate it. it broke my heart knowing he cancelled his unemployment left with no income to stay with his mother who babys him too much and disliked me anyways. I have flew to him last time he did this to me and he came back with me but enough is enough. a woman should never chase a man like this. didn't even say a proper goodbye to me and my kids (I am a single mother) wanted to leave me so bad to leave with no income and all his belongings behind. I saw it as it couldn't stand seeing me in his sight that losing all that was worth it. it kills me....it's been 4 weeks and I still cry and still ask why. what did I do wrong when he has done so much wrong to me. but you just gotta live your life. but I will say this. I know I'll never ever stop asking myself what happened...
Wondering if someone can offer some feedback on this:
I've only been on a couple of dates with this guy - I like him, and I said so (probably a mistake, though I feel it was misunderstood, because it's not like I am sure he is right for me yet!) now he has pulled right away. If he does end up disappearing altogether, I am wondering whether to send him a closure text. I am not looking for an explanation, or for any particular response from him, but part of me feels like I want to just call out the behaviour. What do you think of something like:
Hey. It seems like I am not going to hear from you again... You could have been honest about it with me, I wouldn't have gotten mad 🙂 Anyhow, no hard feelings. I hope you are well, and see you around sometime.
Thoughts? Thankyou in advance 🙂
Kirsty, a couple of dates don't usually require closure. In the first few dates you are just testing the waters to see if you are compatible; and sometimes you are not. Saying, "I like you" would not drive away a man who was truly into you. Also, in the beginning stages of a relationship, most men have no clue about time. In the beginning they can easily get distracted with work or any number of other things. If you don't hear from him in a week or two, maybe text him and ask if he wants to get together. If he doesn't respond, that's all the closure you need. If he's still disappearing after a couple more dates....Don't walk....RUN away!
I just experienced this. And I feel the same terrible pain. My Guy befriended me after a 7 yr divorce. He was younger but rather mature & intellectual. He pulled me out of a dark place from an abusive marriage. He built me and help me to trust again. We met a few times & we spoke everyday via phone. He showed interest & a lot of concern for me. He shared about his life & his past. We'd been friends for about 8 mos & we were becoming very close. We both weren't ready for marriage but we enjoyed each other's company and we were very much attracted to each other. I recently had a loss in my family & he expressed such deep sympathy. His concern was so touching. He had a tattoo on his left arm that says "Love & Loyalty". He said it applies to his family & friends. He once told me that he didn't want to lose me as a friend. He said if it were up to him... I'd be around for a long time. And that if the relationship ended, it would not be by him.
It's been over a week and I haven't heard a word from him. He hasn't respond to my texts nor answered my calls? I'm trying to accept that he just walked away from our "special friendship"as he called it. I know how he operates and somehow I just can't believe that.
Am I holding on to a false hope? Or was it all a pretense & he simply walked away?
There could be a number of reasons why he hasn't contacted you. I say, don't contact him again and let him come to you. If he is as caring and loyal as you say, he will come back at some point. He obviously needs space to figure something out. Allow him this grace, and he will appreciate it.
Wishing you luck 🙂
Yes, be glad you are out. He's not even out of his relationship. Sorry... For him to leave his family doesn't look or sound good to me.
Hi Virgo Ellie,. thank you for your thoughts. It was is wife who ended their relationship, several times. He had to leave the family home when they separated, and like the hundreds of thousands of others from that country struggling to find work and coming to this country, he has moved here to earn more money,, which he sends home every week. He is committed to supporting his children and his ex (his words, not mine) financially, that is not in any doubt. But in my heart of hearts, I don't believe he has grieved over or accepted the end of his marriage, and I know well that I am simply the rebound woman. But I allowed myself to fall in love with him, despite knowing that, and I know I need to take responsibility for that. It is only 3 weeks since I was last with him, and I am in my own grieving process. We also mix in similar social circles and I dread seeing him with someone else, as he clearly can't deal with being single. Thanks again for your thoughts.
I am extremely confused and distraught, and would really value your advice Jane. I had been seeing my boyfriend for just under a year, when both of us ceased contact with each other 3 weeks ago. It has not been plain sailing from the start, because he got together with me just 3 months after finally separating from his long marriage. He is from another European country, and left his estranged wife and children behind to work in my country.
He told me that break up had been difficult as his ex had kept changing her mind, and throughout our time together he has often been very stressed and down about this, but he does not really go into detail. I will confess that I have always been extremely insecure about his relationship with his ex, because she will send frequent and very long messages to him on almost a daily basis, and I discovered about 8 months into our relationship that he had been looking at her Facebook page, even though they are not friends on it. On a couple of occasions when I have let off steam about my worries that they are still involved with each other, or about his becoming distance, he has gone silent on me for a week. On both of those occasions it was me who texted him telling him that I missed him, and he immediately replied or called me.
For the first 5 months of our relationship he seemed to adore me, we have always been tactile and affectionate as a couple, and he shared things about his kids with me. We spent all weekend together and used to see each other 1 night in the week as well. At Christmas something changed. He didn't want to go home, he had not home to go to, so I asked him to spend it with me. He was understandably sad at spending his first Christmas away from his children, and I tried to give him the best support I could. However the sound of his phone constantly buzzing because his ex kept messaging him was the cause of me getting upset, and him spending one night away from me. I accepted that she needed to tell him about their children, but I could see the messages were extremely long and seemed to be upsetting him, and I in turn was being upset because I felt it was spoiling what should have been our time together. Since the beginning of this year, something seemed to change, if only a little. We were only seeing each other at weekends, with the occasional date mid-week His texts weren't as frequent and I did tell him it was important for me to hear from him if I couldn't see him. Over the last couple of months he had begun to call me every night which was reassuring. He had made it clear to me that he wasn't ready for us to live together, he was in no hurry, and though extremely disappointed, I would have hung on longer. The other red flag was that he let me down on a few Saturday nights because he was out drinking with his friends from home, which led me to think that he perhaps needed to behave like a bachelor after his marriage. Just before this mutual disappearance, he had asked if he could stay with me whilst I house-sat for a friend. Apart from Christmas, this had been our longest time actually "living" together, and it had been fine, apart from one stupid but unimportant tiff about Pizza! On the last night we spent together, I asked him what had prompted him to spend so much time with me, and he said with a smile on his face "because I am disappearing". I knew his teenage son was due to arrive here in just over a week so I asked him if he was disappearing for this reason (I wish now I had let him tell me what he meant, rather then give him this excuse) and he said yes, because he wanted to spend time with his son. I was pretty upset, but he left me to go to bed without reassuring me. The next morning I didn't press him on what he had said, neither did he mention it. I knew his son wasn't due for another 10 days, but I did joke that if he were leaving me I wouldn't hang around before meeting someone else. He took this in good humour, thanked me for the great few days we'd spent together, and reminded me we were meeting the following weekend.
He phoned me as usual that evening, then the following, and finally on the Wednesday of that week. In the last call, I did say I was disappointed we hadn't made any plans to meet in the week rather then the weekend, and lost my nerve a little bit, asking him what he was doing when he wasn't with me, rather then spending time with me. He seemed pretty defensive and as I was beginning to feel a little insecure and upset, I said "I just want you to be honest with me. " I can't remember if he responded at all, or if it just wasn't something which reassured me, but I ended the call by telling him "I am going now, goodbye" and put the phone down as he was saying goodbye. That following night I turned the phone off as I felt it better not to talk to him as I still felt upset with him. He has not attempted to get back in touch with me since, and for fear of rejection, neither have I. That was 3 weeks ago. My instinct throughout this time has been that I don't really believe he is over his marriage; I am rattled by his comment about disappearing, and wish I had pressed him more for why he had said this. The other massive problem is that although we had a great physical relationship, he was the most tactile and loving man outside of the bedroom too and particularly when we were out with my friends, he was just not a great talker. I would sit at meal times hearing his silence, and it was mainly me who would have to instigate conversation. I also felt he was hiding important information about what was happening with his ex. I was getting conflicting information, she was getting rid of his stuff, yet was messaging him with smiley faces as she showed him pics of his things. I had always encouraged him to stay in touch with his kids, but towards the end when I asked him if they were o.k,, he would just clam up. When one of them had been taken quite seriously ill, it had been me who encouraged him to pick up the phone an d call his ex (he had a real fear of talking to her, and would only message her). I know logically that he has huge issues with his inability to communicate, feels extremely guilty about leaving his kids behind, and also is not over his marriage, and fear he still has feelings for his estranged wife. All of these reasons make me reluctant to get back in contact with him, because I feel in the long term, the pain for me will be worse. But I am also wondering if I have done a disappearing act as much as he has, because I haven't contacted him. Should I just assume it is done and dusted, if he cared about me he would have got in touch? Perhaps we were both sensing that we couldn't go any further. I love him and this break up is causing me the worst emotional pain I have ever had, I really did think he was "The One". But through my own behaviours and reactions, I can also see that much as he isn't ready for me, I don't think I am strong enough or secure enough in myself to be ready for him and his own lack of closure with his ex. I feel like I have been caught in their drama, perhaps I should just be grateful I am out of it. Thoughts from you would appreciated, apologies for such a long post.
I can relate to this...mine is fairly fresh. Since October, this man has been trying to get with me. I would talk to him and we would talk everyday, but I never wanted a relationship at the time. I would disappear on him and not text him for days. But something always pulled me back to him. We started getting serious at the end of February and by March, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I realized I felt I couldn't be without him and I fell in love with him and did he, or so I thought. We talked about getting married and having kids. We both wanted this so bad. He met my children and I met his. We all had good times together. I always supported him in every decision he made and backed him up 100%. I was never selfish about things. He travels a lot and does have a lot of things going on with his family. For example, his brother got into a lot of trouble and his parents expected him to be there for him every step of the way. I understood. I never complained. I was always there for him. The last week in April, he had to go take care of some family business in Mexico, where he is originally from. (pertaining to his brother) The day I expected him back, I was going to do the hour drive to go spend the weekend with him. I never got a call, a text, or an email. I tried calling him and nothing. At first I though something happened to him, but when I found out he was at work that Monday, I was livid. It just so happened he was leaving on trip for work so it's like he knew I would be looking for him but knew I wouldn't find him. He avoided the whole situation. I had a few days to let it sink in. I went to go get all my things from his hotel room. He had already left my house key on the dresser, as if he was planning to do this to me before the even left to Mexico. Now that I know hes back at work here in my hometown, it takes a lot out of me not to stop by and rip him a new one but I figured what would that do? So slowly, day by day, I'm feeling a little bit better. Although it's almost going to be a month since he cut me off, I still have those lingering feelings of why? I feel like I deserve closure. How do I handle this? Why did he just stop talking to me? Why did he ask me to be his girlfriend and then do this to me? I don't understand!! What do I do if he comes back? If he comes back. He really hurt me and I can't any good advice from anyone. They just tell me to suck it up. I'm trying to, but it's hard.
Hello, My story is a little different since we're both women. I met this woman a year ago, we've been dating since June last year and she's a few years older and a single mom, everything was going fine, hot sexually but normal pace day to day cos she has to spend time with the kid and full time job which I don't mind. We've said i love you and all that, we're both very busy but we were able to see every now and again and i met the kid and we clicked instantly. The problem started in December, i began to see sides of her i didn't like. So many bad behavior, not directly but she became withdrawn during the holidays, the messages and calls stopped when i reached out she responded well sometimes, other times cold and mean but she used to reach out more. I got used to reaching out for the time being i felt it was my turn since we're both women and feminine (sorry to use a stereotype). Anyways i kept it going through out December and in January i stopped after she became extremely cold . So i pulled back, mind you we're both in the closet and we have problem being vulnerable. We just didn't know how to be vulnerable all the time, just sometimes. But in January she sent me a letter and apologized for her actions said she's angry about so much in her past and her family life. She wanted me to forgive her and that she loved me and all that. I took a few days to respond, long story short i forgive her. But nothing changed, we barely talked, when we did she complained of rough times, she has a lot of family responsibilities. Her siblings moved in temporary and there was a lot of financial pressure from her family. In February i offered to be friends because i love this woman and her kid and i wanted them in my life but she insisted she wanted to be in a relationship that i can decide what i want. So i made a decision to be there for her but we barely talked. Once in February we made plans, I called her that day, but didn't get any response and being the kind of person that values self respect i didn't t initiate any angry message or anything. However, i didn't hear from her for 12 days. She used our picture on whatsapp 12days later and phoned me a few days later when she didn't get a reaction after that blow off and pic's display. Sometimes i do nothing when I'm disrespected but i picked and we spoke. She saw me few days later with her kid . Seeing her kid made me more understanding of her and we talked about my boundaries and how the silent treatment from both of us is killing our relationship. I told her i only get silent because she never wants to talk or do anything. Honestly, she looked depressed and had lost weight so it was hard to be mad. But things went back to normal, we communicated well for 3 weeks saw once, said i love you but no intimacy . We haven't had sex since December which i don't mind too much, she said she has no sex drive plus all the stress is making her loss interest in everything in her everyday life but insisted she wanted us together . I asked for us to be friends again because i was worried but we didn't break up and i decided to be patient. During the next week she complained about being emotionally down and the weekend i tried to reach out she responded and i asked to do something and i haven't heard a word in 2weeks. This is the second time she's done this and i haven't reached out either after the text asking to hangout. I have been going out and doing my thing. I guess I felt i was being manipulated and her issues is not an excuse to be rude by not simply saying she's busy at the said time. i have been patient this is not an issue of pressure. We love eachother that I'm sure but right now I don't know if i want to continue and not talking to eachother for 2weeks even during easter doesn't really make me feel better. Do you think i should keep being there for her, i must admit I haven't really been there all round, i have been tentative about it we are both independent women and we don't let anyone know when we're hurt so I'm respecting her boundaries, I wish she can respect mine. On the other hand I think she's not ready but too selfish to let go. I'd like to be with her like before but honestly I'm falling out slowly. Do you think i should reach out before she does? I honestly think she's depressed and I'd like her to get help but my best guy friend told me to not contact her and let her come back like she usually does but its coming across like I don't care about her issues when I'm giving her space but it seems like too much space. I'm becoming really uncomfortable, my gut tells me she's a narcissist and she knows exactly what she's doing. But this one is hard to let go because she's the only woman that havn't pressured me to come out and vice versa. We both love our space and privacy so i think it's a good match except we might both need people that are more open with their feelings. Maybe if she was with someone more emotional they probably be more understanding and call her 247 to deal with her issues but i can't, i know she won't appreciate that. Plus I have my own issues i lost a close family member 6 months ago, she was my best friend so i can't grief and really pay attention to gfs issues but i really try. I'm really confused, my gut tells me she's a narcissist with control issues using the silent treatment as a weapon but my heart knows she's going through something and my head wants to let go but i think she's a good person, I'm just not sure about the love anymore but I just don't know because whenever she comes around i feel emotionally down, she looks so sad and unhappy. Should i be doing more? Am i right to give her space because i was disrespected, are my standards too high or threshold for BS too low ? I've been nothing but kind and understanding she tells me things like she wouldn't take the same if i was in her shoes. And thanked me for loving her and that she loves me. That was before she pulled the disappearing act for the second time in a year. Isn't 't that narcissism 101. Deep down i feel I'm being played here. I mean I'm not chasing after her or acting needy at all perhaps that's why it's not working, not feeding her Ego enough? I don't know anymore I'm conflicted. On one hand i want to be there for her through this tough time, on the other hand I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I've been through dark times and I've never used it as an excuse to be a jerk to my people. I guess people can't always treat us the way we treat them that's why i set boundaries but my friend thinks I'm being too hard that i should continue to be there which doesn't feel right considering gf is being hot and cold, using problems as an excuse to behave badly. Maybe she's gone for good, I feel ok for not reaching out at all if she's really gone but too chicken to accept friendship instead of behaving badly, I don't know personally i end relationship when I'm overwhelmed and leave communication open for a reunion, i guess women are no better at communicating than men, I'm not perfect but in the last 4 months communication was a problem . Any thoughts?
You're being disrespected and walked all over and you're letting it happen. Why is that?
Her problems are hers and they're no excuse for disrespecting others. Is this what you want to sign up for? A "relationship" with a person who has no kindness and consideration for others? Someone who gives you the silent treatment and blows cold?
This is who she is. She's shown you. It's up to you to think of yourself and decide if this is worth your energy.
When you love someone, you support them while they're going through rough patches, sure, but make no mistake: they don't get a pass if they take all their anger out on you. Strenghten your boundaries.
No one in the world is that special for you to let them treat you badly under any circumstances.
Hello, My story is a little different since we're both women. I met this woman a year ago, we've been dating since June last year and she's a few years older and a single mom, everything was going fine, hot sexually and but normal pace day to day cos she has to spend time with the kid and full time job which I don't mind. We've said i love you and all that, we're both very busy but we were able to see every now and again and i met the kid and we clicked instantly. The problem started in December, i began to see sides of her i didn't like. So many bad behavior, not directly but she became withdrawn during the holidays, the messages and calls stopped when i reached out she responded well sometimes other times cold and mean but she used to reach out more. I got used to reaching out for the time being i felt it was my turn since we're both women and feminine (sorry to use a stereotype). Anyways i kept it going through out December and in January i stopped after she became extreme cold . So i pulled back, mind you we're both in the closet and we have problem being vulnerable. We just didn't know how to be vulnerable all the time, just sometimes .But in January she sent me a letter and apologized for her actions said she's angry about so much in her past and her family life. She wanted me to forgive her and that she loved me and all that. I took a few days to respond, long story short i forgive her. But nothing changed, we barely talked, when we did she complained of rough times, she has a lot of family responsibilities. Her siblings moved in temporary and there was a lot of financial pressure from her family. In February i offered to be friends because i love this woman and her kid and i wanted them in my life but she insisted she wanted to be in a relationship that i can decide what i want. So i made a decision to be there for her but we barely talked. Once in February we made plans, I called her that day, but didn't get any response and being the kind of person that values self respect i didn't t initiate any angry message or anything. However, i didn't hear from her for 12 days. She used our picture on whatsapp 12days later and phoned me a few days later when she didn't get a reaction after that blow off and pic's display. Sometimes i do nothing when I'm disrespected but i picked and we spoke. She saw me few days later with her kid . Seeing her kid made me more understanding of her and we talked about my boundaries and how the silent treatment from both of us is killing our relationship. I told her i only get silent because she never wants to talk or do anything. honestly she looked depressed and had lost weight so it was hard to be mad. But things went back to normal we communicated well for 3 weeks saw once, said i love you but no intimacy . We haven't had sex since December which i don't mind too much, she said she has no sex drive plus all the stress is making her loss interest in everything in her everyday life but insisted she wanted us together, . I asked for us to be friends again because i was worried but we didn't break up and i decided to be patient. During the next week she complained about being emotionally down and the weekend i tried to reach out she responded and i asked to do something and i haven't heard a word in 2weeks. This is the second time she's done this and i haven't reached out either after the text asking to hangout. I have been going out and doing my thing. I guess I felt i was being manipulated and her issues is not an excuse to be rude by not simply saying she's busy. i have been patient this is not an issue of pressure. We love eachother that I'm sure but right now I don't know if i want to continue and not talking to eachother for 2weeks even during easter doesn't really make me feel better. Do you think i should keep being there for her, i must admit I haven't really been there alll round, i have been tentative about it we are both independent women and we don't let anyone know when we're hurt so I'm respecting her boundaries, I wish she can respect mine. On the other hand I think she's not ready but too selfish to let go. I'd like to be with her like before but honestly I'm falling out slowly. Do you think i should reach out before she does? I honestly think she's depressed and I'd like her to get help but my best guy friend told me to not contact her and let her come back like she usually does but its coming across like I don't care about her issues when I'm giving her space but it seems like too much space. I'm becoming really uncomfortable, my gut tells me she's a narcissist and she knows exactly what she's doing. But This one is hard to let go because she's the only woman that havn't pressured me to come out and vice versa. We both love our space and privacy so i think it's a good match except we might both need people that are more open with their feelings. Maybe if she was with a someone more emotional they probably be more understanding and call her 247 to deal with her issues but i can't i know she won't appreciate that. Plus I have my own issues i lost a close family member 6 months ago, she was my best friend so i can't grief and really pay attention to gfs issues but i really try. I'm really confused, my gut tells me she's a narcissist with control issues using the silent treatment as a weapon but my heart knows she's going through something and my head wants to let go but i think she's a good person, I'm just not sure about the love anymore but I just don't know because whenever she comes around i feel emotionally down, she looks so sad and unhappy. Should i be doing more? Am i right to give her space because i was disrespected, are my standards or threshold for BS too low ? I've been nothing but kind and understanding she tells me things like she wouldn't take the same if i was in her shoes. And thanked me for loving her and she loves me. That was before she pulled the disappearing act. isn't that narcissism 101. Deep down i feel I'm being played here, i mean I'm not chasing after her or acting needy at all perhaps that's why it's not working, not feeding her Ego enough? I don't know anymore I'm conflicted on one hand i want to be there for her through thia tough time on the other hand o I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I've been through dark times and I've never used it as an excuse to be a jerk to my people. I guess people can't always treat us the way we treat them that's why i set boundaries but my friend thinks I'm being too hard that i should continue to be there. Any thoughts?
I am so glad to have found this forum, as I am so broken right now I couldn't see straight. My bf of 3 years, and whom I lived with for almost 2 years just 'disappeared' on me. He left for TX in March of 2015, and things were great for a while.. He called almost everyday, right after work. I travelled to see him there twice, he came home once. When he was home, his phone came on and I saw a text from a woman who called him 'babe' (which was what he called me), and was giving him her address (an international address). I asked him about it, and he said it didn't mean anything, and that he didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to ruin what was left of his vacation, so I let it go, and although I had a bad feeling about it, I didn't mention it again. He went back to TX and he was still calling as usual. The last time we saw each other was in Sept on the week of my birthday. We had a great time, although one time, he introduced me to the guy who was managing the horse rental as his 'friend', but I didn't think any of it. I left home, and one night, he called late, and I could tell he had been drinking. He then preceded in telling me how he now lives in TX, and how much money he was making, and that I should see other people, etc. I asked him if he was breaking up with me, and he said something about him not 'the guy for me'. At that point in time, I was crying so hard and was so hurt that I ended up hanging up the phone. I didn't hear from him the next day, and I thought that was it, but he did call the day after that, and said that he was just being 'mean'and didn't mean what he said. Life went on after that. Nov 2, 2015 was the last time we spoke on the phone. I didn't hear from him for a couple of days so I sent him a text. He never replied which was unusual. Finally after 5 days, I called and asked him to please call and let me know if he was ok. He texted me back to tell me he was ok. I asked if we could talk, and he said he didn't feel like talking. I sent him more texts after that, and he never answered. I was out of my mind, but though maybe he just needed some space. I received a text from him Thanksgiving day wishing me a good one. I wished him the same and I never heard from him since. Two weeks ago, I heard the most painful news, ever! Heard he got married with a girl from Asia ( which incidentaly is also my birth country), whom he actually 'imported' to come to the US to be his wife! I figured, he was going behind my back for at least a year working on her paperwork, while we were still together! I logged into his sister's media account, and saw their wedding pics (I know i should never have done that).They looked very happy, and at that moment it literally felt like a was being stabbed in the chest and I collapsed on the floor, screaming and crying. I just could not believe he would do that to me, and thinking it has to be a girl of the same race. The girl is pretty and looks very young, probably in her middle twenties. He is btw 44, and I am 43. I couldn't sleep, eat, and I'm barely functioning at work. I tried to keep telling myself that he was not worth it, and that the marriage wouldn't last for various reasons. I don't know how to move on, but I know I have to. I don't really believe in karma, and not the type of a person who wish bad things to happen to people who have wronged me, but I can't get myself to also wish them well. Visions of them together keeps popping in my head, and the hurt and pain just persists and does not seem to go away.
As much as I hurt right now, I also know that I will have to find my own closure. I feel so broken.....
Yes; my special "some-one" just walked away, with indifference, when just days before he was unable to live without me. After three months, I'm still crying every day. BUT - "closure" often has little to do with "understanding" the whole thing, and everything to do with acceptance. Many of us must accept the fact that we were in love, and the other person was just.... bored. With this bold, open acceptance, crying and self-pep-talks become best friends. I'm so hurt, I can't imagine ever holding up my head again. But intellectually i know that's "on me" - not him. I have to decide i'm beautiful and wonderful (which i am) - and then know that "trusting" is a choice, that may feel "right", or may not feel "right", with each new day. Trusting may never be the right choice for those of us who have been through a sorrowful end to love (or what we thought was love), but it's always a daily decision to re-visit. Emotions can teach AND learn........ Hang in there every broken heart. I'm finding that healing isn't a "process" - it's a permanent life-style. ("Get up. Stretch. Cry. Go to work. Cry at desk. Smile. Cry. Be kind. Cry. Do laundry. Cry." ---- Let the sorrow exist along with the days' needs and activities. No denial.------
Thanks for allowing us to walk through this with you, Jeannie. Oh that heartbreak that can hurt so bad. Cry those beautiful healing tears. Feel everything. Your words mingling emotion and reason are beautiful. There's so much more for you waiting just on the other side of the "going through".
I have what seems to be the same old story, probably with a few more inexcusable twists than the others, that I still am managing to excuse. I met someone who works in the same industry as I do at a convention, it was long distance. I did the 'Rules' on him, for those of you who are familiar (i.e., he traveled to see me first, he paid for my plane ticket when I did see him, I let him text and call me, etc). This guy, I was sure, was THE ONE. We are both flexible and saw each other literally every other week. He brought up marriage and we were even looking at houses, I agreed to move, as with where our careers are, it made most sense. We had instances of disagreement, but always extremely respectful. Anyway, he treated me like a princess. I had agreed to go with him to a festival, I spent a couple thousand dollars on airfare etc.. (we had been together 9 months, so I decided I could purchase my own things at this point). We were to meet there with his 'boss' and his bosses wife-a few hours before I was to board the plane, he facetimed me to say, he couldn't do this anymore, he was going to the concert alone and he needed space. Now, my point- I'm successful, confident, poised, but I FREAKED OUT. This was the person I was going to marry, I had our whole lives planned out in my head. Of course I didn't give him space- I constantly called and texted with no response. We had another work commitment 3 weeks later (we were supposed to share a hotel room), we were within 15 feet of each other for a week straight and during this time we had two face to face talks, during which he cried, offered no explaination, no closure. Said if I would have just given him space and never contacted him when he said he needed space, we would be together now. Completely mind-f'd I returned home. Now, given the long distance I know your immediate thought is that this is because he is seeing someone else or wants to play the field. Nearly 2 and 1/2 months later all of his social media is still all of the dozens of photos which HE always insisted of taking of us. We had more relationship selfies than any couple I know and he has not taken any of them down, so clearly he is not after any women, nor did I ever expect that to be the case. I got home and still contacted him, to no avail. To the point where he tried to have a lawyer contact me that if I didn't stop texting him, he would try to sue me (he couldn't really do that given that I'm not crazy, the texts were just asking for closure, not manic nor threatening). I guess my questions are 1- in this case, I do feel like I can only blame myself bc I did the opposite of what he asked as far as space is concerned, is that normal? 2-no one has really brought up other potential red flags along the way that may be indicative of a chemical imbalance (example, he fully disclosed early on that he had some sort of weird inccident than scared him in college and he went on lexapro for mild depression and anxiety) he is an outwardly maybe too upbeat kind of guy. He lost his dad while we were dating and I was there every step of the way, he mentioned me quit a bit in his eulogy even. He upped his dosage around the time all of this started stating that 'the highs are not as high but the lows are not as low' and didn't think anything of not giving me a heads up that he was going to do that. Long story short- it sounds like i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for being able to just cut me out cold turkey, but with all of these other variables, it's really hard to just think 'getting over it' is a viable solution. Part of me thinks that the pendulum must swing back the other way at some point (granted if i were to take him back, there would have to be some serious explaining done). It doesn't make sense- he might have outkicked his coverage a little bit with me, but not to the point of insecurity (as he is borderline cocky). It's an odd scenario and has family members on both sides and co-workers alike scratching their heads and me banging mine against a wall =) Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Just wanted to say I've read through this whole thread and some very good advice on here ladies. I am feeling better already. Really I cannot change what he has done. I have not heard from him for 3 days now and it has given me time to think about our relationship. Whatever his reasons for doing this are, his behaviour is not acceptable and I should value myself more rather than let emotional turmoil reign. Unless he contacts me I will never know why he has done this. His phone is still switched off! I sent one last message yesterday but I won't be contacting him again now. The only way to get some closure on this is for me to be in control of my life and my destiny and be grateful he has shown his true colours before we did actually start living together!
I am in turmoil. A guy I have been dating for 4 months has just disappeared. We were good together, had loads in common. Saw each other at least 2 or 3 times a week. Up til recently he lived 35 miles away but recently lost his job so he moved back to his Mum's which is 90 miles away. I am 43 he is 51. He has been through a difficult divorce and his kids live over 200 miles away which I know he feels very guilty about. We text each other most days. On Saturday he came to a family party. We had a good time with all my family and I introduced him for the first time. We made plans to see each other in a few days and also other plans for some things that are coming up. On Sunday morning he seemed a bit distant but things were still pretty intimate. I text him on Sunday teatime to see if he had got home as it was a 2 hour drive back to his home town. Since then I've sent three messages and nothing. When I rung his phone it is turned off. He has always texted me back pretty quickly in the past. (within 1/2 an hour) I do feel pretty devestated by this behaviour. Not sure where I am at the moment. We have talked about living together, him buying my ex out of the house. His idea by the way! I have a feeling I may never hear from him again!! We met on a dating site about 4 months ago.
Hi Jane,
I feel so desperately unhappy. I have been in a relationship with a man for over a year now. Our relationship has been very loving and we are close. We are both in our late thirties and both have a son from a previous marriage. I have been separated a lot longer than him ( him only eighteen months). We do not live together although I have expressed that I would like that at some point, but know that he is not ready yet and am respecting his needs. He is very protective over his space and his time and needs to have this to retreat back into. His previous marriage sounded unhappy, with him being controlled most of the time, so he is enjoying his space right now. He has been reluctant for us to integrate our boys which is a shame as I think they would probably get on very well ( my son is 11, his is 8). He says he feels very protective over the time he has with his son as only sees him every other weekend, so says he selfishly wants him all to himself. I totally get that. He finally agreed for us to all meet up for a day over the Easter weekend. However a few weeks ago I discovered I was pregnant and he had a particularly bad reaction to this. He went into complete panic mode saying he just couldn't have another child and that I needed to get rid of it. He said that he thought he had wanted another child but he doesn't. Last year we had talked about it and we stopped using contraception.... Kind of trying but not trying I suppose. It wasn't happening and to be honest I didn't think it would, as I have my age against me plus thyroid issues and I told him this, although I never said that I was infertile! Anyway I did get pregnant and he took it so badly. He left and went off to work which he throws himself into ( he works away on business a lot during the week, so time spent together has been limited). Last October he had a bit of a stress wobble and disappeared off to his best friends in Greece for a month without telling me what he was doing...I was devastated and did the no contact thing and he eventually got in touch after s month of sitting in an olive grove in the middle of nowhere... Things got back on track and we became close again, but now this...We have texted a bit, and spoke only once since he found out. I said I wanted to be able to talk this through with him in person. But it's been over a week now and nothing. I sent a big long email explaining how it had been between us and how he had made me feel and that I was undecided about what to do, but that I was going to look after me now and if he wanted to or finds the strength to turn things around, then he knows where I am. But nothing. So now I am left feeling so incredibly alone with this big decision to make about whether or not to continue the pregnancy without him and I miss him terribly. I really don't know if I can manage on my own... I never thought that would be an option..Please help.
It sounds like he's giving you what he can, Katie, and that's all he can give you. That he is very protective of his space and time and is reluctant for your boys to integrate are clear signs of this. You can't force him to be there if he's not comfortable with it, no matter how much you want him to be there for you and his child. You have to choose you and this precious life that is growing inside you and do what you need to do for the two of you before anyone else. He's the father. You're the mother. How the two of you navigate those very real roles will be up to both of you. If this is your reality, operate from that. Don't pretend to yourself that it's different, or try to change the reality of what is. If it's too much for him right now, you can't change that. You can say or do whatever works for you, but this is about him and his feelings and not about you. Find the support for yourself to help you through this. Don't look for what he can't give you right now. Find it from the ones who can. What he does or what he's going to do remains to be seen, and you can't know right now - nor can he. My heart goes out to you - this is never easy when innocent little lives are involved. You have to do what you can live with, and be what only you can be. But do get that support for you. You're not meant to go through this alone.
Thank you Jane. Your words are comforting and your sound advice appreciative.
I'm still swaying with my decision and I know that I don't have time on my side.
I don't even have a gut instinct anymore.
I feel like I'm grieving for my 'relationship' though I'm finding that tough as he has completely disappeared off the radar and isn't contactable. I know I need to find acceptance and closure myself but it's absolutely agonising and I don't really know where to start. I am doing all the things I know I need to do.. I'm seeking support from close friends and my mum, I'm trying to keep busy and see friends and Im looking after myself physically the best I can. But nothing is making me feel better and I guess it will only be time. If I have the baby I'm worried this time of grieving will be prolonged and I don't know how to get past that.
It felt so nice to read your advice. I keep searching on the web for messages of support because I have no one to talk to. A similar thing happened to me. I met this guy 10 years ago, we dated, everything was great but I had my life in my country and left. I got married years later, but never forgot this man. 3 years later we reconnected and started exchanging letters (he was then in prison). I was married for 5 years, and then I decided to leave my husband for him. I gave him my heart, I helped him emotionally and financially when nobody was there for him. He left prison and everything was great. We talked everyday on the phone, by text messages... He made me feel like a queen. I told him the problems I had in my marriage, and he was always so understanding. We made plans of getting together and having a family together. I left my job here in my country and got a job overseas, where he lives, to to be with him. The plan was that in about 5 months I was gonna arrive to put everything we planned in practice. Then, a few weeks ago , all of a sudden, he started to change. He didn't want to talk to me on the phone anymore, he would snap at futile things... I asked him if he still wanted me, if he loved me still. I asked him to tell me if there was something wrong. I reminded him I was leaving my country, my family, my friends, to be with him. Then some days later he disappeared. No goodbye, nothing. He apparently uninstaled his whatsapp, I don't have a facebook so I don't know about that. He doesn't answer my phone calls, doesn't reply to my messages or e-mails. It hurts sooo much. I gave my heart to this man, and in exchanged he couldn't give me the respect of saying why he left me.
Thank you for the advice. It really helped me feel better.
I'm so glad this helped you to read this, Carolina. You're so not alone here. It's happened to so many of us. And I hope you're seeing that it's not about you, it's about him.
Dear Jane,
thank you for this article and the enlightenment . Similar situation as the original post by Michelle. In the past few days I was about to drive myself crazy , trying to figure out how to reach him, email, phone, person....what to say, what to ask.
Deep down inside I just needed to BE STILL and just handle it with grace, but I still had an unsettling feeling until I read your article this morning. IYour advise was so enlightening. You are 100% right about your advise and the statement of THIS is NOT about you . Its not about what did you do or not do to cause this etc.
How you wrote he KNOWS you deserve an explanation but how he can not come up with excuses because he does not know what to day or how to put it in words!!!
That he could not bring himself to admit that to her , let her down, hurt her or deal with that kind of conflict or controntation. And that you know he wanted it to work too, that on some level he did.
But that he right now simply at a place where he CAN'T.
And I can only echo that response. My guy actually had told me that before, I just did not listen! Remember Oprah always says listen to what people tell you about themselves !!!
We attempted I can say at the best level to reconnect , but again , he is silent now .
Thanks again Jane for bringing me closure and showing us that there is a way to move on , forgive and forget , even as we feel deeply hurt or betrayed.
And that forgiveness and closure has to come from within, its about you not the other person.
aw, you're so welcome Bridget. So glad this resonated so much with you. We never, ever want to listen!
Dear Jane. This is a very good forum and your insights are spot on. The disappearing man seems to be a very common practice nowadays and technology makes it easier and easier. Just recently, I had a text message from a guy who disappeared from my life after two years of long distance relationship, if indeed you could call it that. It brought it all back. I met him in 2011 and it was instant attraction and then we embarked on the roller coaster ride all the way to heartbreak hotel, for me. At the end of 2014, just a couple of days before Christmas, I got the dreaded text saying he was confused and was not sure bla bla and I took this as a suggestion to break up so I obliged. It was horrible and I am not sure which was the most difficult, being dumped or being dumped with such a cold text. It was followed in the new year with a new year message that he could have sent to his auntie nelly. There are some things that are difficult to forget. So there I was, no more contact, missing him like crazy, cut to the bone and totally raw. What do do. I decided on no more contact, none, zilch, zero and I stuck to that, I wallowed for months and months secretly hoping he would get in touch and we would get back together but it never happened, the explanation never came, so neither did the closure. They say time heals and it sounds glib but it really does, time and a good dose of cold turkey. I listened to all the sad songs, read the 'why men disappear forums' and learned a lot. I kick started my life going to fitness classes, planning nice holidays and above all connecting with the calm that nature offers us. On the relationship itself, there was one big red flag which I ignored and that is the famous ex. On our first date, he mentioned that he had recently come out of a 5 year relationship (sad look on his face) that they had bought an apartment but sold it again when they decided to split up, on her instigation. So, I should have heeded the warning. Although he said very little about her from then on, this gut feeling told me he was not over her and of course this would explain his pussyfooting with me, the back and forths and the little disappearing stints and other tell tale signs, the nigglers I call them. I was literally hanging on to his coat tails hoping that one day, he would commit and say the L word. I do sincerely believe he loved me but it was all very confusing. So, roll on 2 years, or 21 months to be exact and to be even more precise, yesterday, I received this long text from him with his news and what he said disturbed me greatly and after all this time he clarified in a few lines what I suspected all along. He told me that he had put an end to the relationship with his ex as it was not making either him or her happy. They had decided to build a house together, did that and it was finalised a year ago but they decided to sell it and it is currently going through. So this was not a new relationship and it was obvious that he tried to make a go of it with ex and it still didn't work and now final parting. I finally understood but why couldn't he have told me that years ago when I needed to know. Now, strangely I got that text when I arrived at the point of being completely over him, I mean washed right out of my hair which is why I was so shocked to hear from him. So why am I writing this, well really to make a few points. For those among you who have been disappeared on, there is one thing to remember...the person who leaves you like this, if they are half decent, will not have closure either and there will be unfinished business lurking around in their lives, they may even feel a bit guilty, may still harbour feelings for you and so with time and patience, you will get your answer in some form or other but usually by then it is too late which is the case for me. Also, if a person disappears on you, their communication skills are zero, empathy zero, respect zero, compassion zero so you have no option but to just disappear right back because these are not the ingredients for a good relationship. I realise that and hope never to get stuck in a situation like that again. In fact I should have bailed out after his second Houdini act and not given him a second chance. And now my final dilemma, he followed up with a text letting me know he would be in my town mid-October and what did I think of having a coffee together. Hmm, if Jane could advise on that. This coffee could mean three things. Trying to rekindle, an absolute no way for me. Maybe an apology and closure..for him or maybe wanting to be friends. If I did meet him, it would give me the opportunity to look him in the eye, say I am finally done and walk away but it could be very awkward and cannot imagine what any conversation between us would be about. If anybody could give me a steer on that, it would be great. Thanks for reading and maybe this might help somebody who is going through the heartbreak of being so cruelly consigned to the bin by somebody you cared for. One final thing on long distance relationships from my own perspective. No reason why they should not work out if lots of effort is invested. In my case, it was something of a fantasy I believe as I actually spent more time thinking about him and trying to figure him out, second guess than actually being with him. Sorry for the long post and take care everybody.
On the sixth line of my post, I meant to say 'at the end of 2012' and not 2014 obviously !!
Hi Jane,
I met a guy during my placement abroad, he was my roommate. I was attracted to him but I was not planning to get serious with him untill he started to say that he loves. Even though I told him that he shouldn't be serious becuase I am going to leave in a few months, but he didnt stop, so I let myself to open up my heart for him too, mainly because he was so sincere and he was not someone who is after girls. In fact he was only working and studying so he didnt had much time to party and go out with girls. Also, he was hurt in his previous relationships and he told me that he never broke up with his exes, they all broke up with him. Also he was telling me about the problems inside his family. So I had a lot of sympathi for him and I wanted to be the one who would never hurt him or leave him, but I didnt say this to him at that time .When I got back home (I live in UK, he in USA), I noticed that communication would be really hard with the time difference and the fact that he was working most of his time. But i tried, I was usually the one who called him( maybe I shoudlt have done that), sometimes I was telling him that he never calls etc. so then I could notice the sadness in his voice and I knew how much he misses me. He was telling me that he was feeling so lonely without me. He is from Italy so his family is living there. The first year was really a struggle for me and I felt like was stuck in my life and I needed him to move forward and he was not there for me. After a year I had the guts to take 'distance' from hik but then he started tryijg to call me and told me that he wanted to come to europe to see me . And he did. I was very happy, I told him all the things that he put me through and cried allot ij the time that he was here. So after he went back, things got good, there was a good communicatiok between us and I was happy. Bit then he started to fall in his old habbit untill to a point that he didnt pick up his phone anymore. So i send him a message that if he doesnt want to work on this relationship he should be honest and tell me that. No reply. I text him again, still nothing. Its been more than three months that I havent heard from him ( I know he is alive). Eventhough I got my anseer and I know that he doesnt reply because he know im right and he doesn't wants to face it, still I just need to talk to him. I can't seem to get him out of my mind 🙁 I dont know what else I can do .. I want to move forward and enjoy my life as I am still young. I feel like I have already wasted 3 years with him and I am continiung to waste my time that I am suppose to enjoy ..
I have just come out of a relationship of 5 years where we lived together with my daughter as a family. In the past couple of years I felt he began to change, less loving, more resentful of doing things for our family (which was where I thought it was headed). He was the one who proclaimed love, marriage, more children. Anyway blame is moot, we fought a lot and it wasn't working but discussions ended in arguments and discussion went round and round til he did his usual and said " well I'll just leave then". For me I took the power back ( I feel) , I said " ok but this time there's no coming back, no changing your mind and I never want to see and hear from you again because you've broken my heart and your behaviour has been unacceptable. It is ok to fall out of love but it is not okay to make me feel like I was a bad person" and I've stuck to this. I moved, wiped numbers, Facebook friends and whilst I'm sad I understand this is all he could do and therefore I need to be the strong person. I don't want to discuss it. What is closure if it is unfair critisism. Let him wallow in the fact that I've left stating my adult feelings and that he behaved like a child. My personal reflection is why did I keep trying to make it work when it wasn't going to. I've read articles, quotes and focused on what's good and bought myself little treats that make me happy. And every time I feel sad and lonely and I remember the great stuff I raise my chin and and make myself list the deal breakers that I didn't deal break on because I thought I should make it work cos there were lots of good things and I hope that I've opened myself to better things. And I will make myself happy because I already am and when I look for a new partner I will ask the right questions and listen to my head..... Be brave, take back the power. Nothing worse than being left wondering but how about offering up the same treatment? State yr truth and hurt but cut him/ her out of your life forever. You wouldn't treat someone the way he/she has treated you so what sense or truth would u ever get anyway when u search for closure???. 🙂
My long distance bf disappears from me again. it has always been like this back and forth and I do not know why im always the one who forgives him easily just because i love him so much and how much i want to be with him. We knew each other in Feb 2011 and I came back home last year July and this is where our long distance begin. I do know 15hours apart is not easy and especially the huge different of time zone, there is so much things that we cant do together. During this 1 year of long distance, i have visited him 3 times even the most was only for 3 weeks. My last trip was in July we had a huge argument and both of us decided to let go and knew that things aren't easy and he is not willing to commit, I never pressure him to provide me anything or ask him to marry me now, however all i need is to give each other some time and focus on career first before stepping into marriage. And the whole relationship of this long distance is to see the lights at the end of tunnel and know where this relationship is going to bring us too. We do still keep in touch after and it was so hard for me to let go even im already back home. I thought the best thing to let go is to stop contacting each other and give each other some space and time to be alone. After 3 weeks of not contacting, he called on my birthday and there we started keeping in touch again. We talked and text everyday and all the feelings came back again and i told myself not to give in easily as i couldnt let myself drown and have to go through this cycle again. We have so much to talked about everyday and we do know how much we still cares and love each other and i do hate it that why we have to go through this in a long distance relationship. We do talk about marriage and me moving over to stayed with him, however i would need to see him commit and to know how much he wants this and want to be with me. Its been a week now that i have not hear from him. He left without saying anything and not picking up my call. I called him on the first day i have not hear from him and i told myself that I will never ever call him after that. i am very upset at myself that i gave him a chance to come back into my life and i thought he changed and how much he loves me. But i never knew i will expect this from him again and i thought it will be the best to ignore and not contact with him and let him fight his way back. i know its very dumb of me thinking this way but i do love him so much that i cant afford to lose him.
I would ask for closure. People who do this sort of thing should be confronted. To me, this is bad behaviour. Imagine if everyone goes through life thinking they can just do whatever they want without any repercussions? Is that the kind of society we want to live in? Why so many excuses for bad behaviours? And this guy sounds like a jerk btw, like a borderline personality male.
Hi , so I met a guy at a work event we stay however 400 miles from each other. I had met him briefly before 10 months prior at a previous event. We spoke briefly and on my return to my work the following day he'd contacted me by email and said he promised himself that if he met me again he'd make contact with me ( we'd an instant connection) so I thought. Immediately we spoke non stop. Texts , FT ( we had soo much in common) we talked about our kids shared photos and generally just hit it off and we're interested in each other's lives. I shortly after meeting took ill And he sent me get well gifts ... Little gestures ...He sent me videos given the long distance ( instead of always texts) he wrote me songs and eventually after only 8 weeks told me he loved me and couldn't understand it soo quickly but that was his feelings. He travelled to see me ( 5hrs ) each way and I went to see him too. We'd a wonderful time together except he his contact has fallen off a cliff .... I txt him to say look it is what it is and it's ok for you to have changed how you feel let's just call it a day . On several occasions he said his feelings hadn't changed at all but the logistics of the distance hit him hard when I wasn't around and it took him days to recover from that. I offered for us to spend more time together he said he'd love to but has never come back with when he is free he keeps saying his feelings haven't changed and he needs to figure out if he is ready to commit ( previous wife left him) four years ago . Firstly I never asked him to commit and I've never heard from him since 4 days ago when I said I understand and respect his honestly but I'm totally confused he was soooo full on initiated the whole thing still insists his feelings haven't changed but I never here from him. Someone help me understand what he is doing to me ??
Like I said in my other comments, these men sound like borderline personalities. Shari Schreiber has some good articles about this on the net. That feeling of devastation you feel has nothing to do with you, HE is the one with the problem!
It is so encouraging to read so many people have experienced what I experienced this past year! I spoke to my boyfriend teo days before thanksgiving 2013! He told me he loved me and would call me after work! I haven't heard from him since! This was right after I found out he was hiding/living with a girlfriend he was supposedly tired of and was leaving! He started out in a long distance relationship! When I moved to the same town his lies began to surface! I was devastated because I believed in us and he choose to fill me up with lies and then instead of being a man and discuss things he walked away! My emtiins were involved so I still wanted to remain in the relationship even after the ugly truth came out! Noe I am understanding that he could never be the man for me cause he can never be the man he wants to be! He didn't have to guts to give me the truth and the closure I needed to move forward! With prayer and positive people by my side I am getting over him and putting the piecesnof my life back together! Its going to be hard to trust again.
So glad you're seeing this for yourself, Nessy. You are ... and you will! When it's someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same thing as you, who you take things slow and take the time to get to know someone well enough before giving any part of yourself away, you will know if you have someone worthy of your trust. You absolutely deserve nothing less!
My ex recently has been going out with a girl I asked him if they were dating he said no, they're just going out and hanging. But she has posted a photo of two of them on her social media accounts and everyone ships them. Is it possible to stop them from getting together or how do I move on from here? Especially since my ex and I agreed to stay best friends.
You can't stop anyone from getting together, Jane. It's hard when your ex moves on before you do, but don't take it personally because it's not a reflection of you. It's about where he's at and what's going on with him, not you. Your time will come, too. But until then, move on by allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, to grieve whatever loss you feel, and to accept that you can't make anyone love you or want to be with you; you can only be your true self and create a life so full of the things that make you happy, that what someone else does or doesn't do becomes inconsequential to you. You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you!
My ex and I remained best friends after we broke up but a few days ago he suddenly became very cold and I raged at him. I messaged him a long message to apologise for raging and told him I still value our friendship but he has been ignoring me since then. He has never ignored me like that before. What's going on what do I do?
None of us are perfect, Kate. You apologized and let him know that you still value your friendship; that's really all you can do. The rest has to come from him. If he became cold, that's something to do with him. Don't take that on yourself.
My husband passed away a year ago. I was certain I will never let anyone any close to me. A guy approached me in such a nice way before I knew I went head over heels. I fell for him so hard. He was texting me the nicest words. I felt so loved for the first time in such way. Until one day he disappeared. I have been so hurt and desparate for the past 3 months. I tried all possible ways to move through the grieving process like I did with my husband. This time completely unsuccessfully. I could not believe this can happen until I see now that this is common behaviour. I have been asking the same questions like everyone on this website. The pain is unbearable. I am so hurt so betrayed can't stop accusing myself for losing him. Can't stop to wait for him to come back. I do not believe I will allow anyone anywhere near me. This affects my life on a very deep level. I am known as a very strong woman and now I am completely lost. I feel angry devastated hopeless. I am fighting very hard to not completely lose myself. I get advice daily from friends and family. Everyone is telling me the same as Jane's advice. Nothing reaches my brain in a way to understand and apply and practice. All because I do not have this closure. I cannot and seemingly I don't want to close it and keep hoping to find the truth no matter what. I feel obsessed I torture myself with thoughts and don't know how to stop. I pretty much cannot believe why this happened to me and I don't know why but I need to understand. And I can't. I feel like every possible advise I have heard already and it does not help. This makes me even angrier. With my stubbornness and lack of clarity how to fix this. I feel like a burden to my friends and family who find themselves helpless with my situation. Any ideas? Thank you.
"Nothing reaches my brain in a way to understand and apply and practice", Silva, because this isn't about him as much as it's about you. We have to face ourselves, accept ourselves, have compassion for ourselves, and meet ourselves exactly where we are before we can begin to move on. It's why asking him why never helps even though we think it's the missing piece. It never is. You're not a burden, you're a beautiful loving, caring, giving woman who's been through something you've never experienced before. You're not their project to fix. You're yours to love.
Thank you, Jane. I thought a lot of what you said. And I read more to this matter. We learn only if we want to. I keep learning. It was a necessary experience to grow to the next level. What else I learned was that we should stop thinking about what will happen next, but live today for today, and make the best of it. And keep having dreams and goals but never get emotionally attached to the outcome. I am now fine. I also learned that for some odd reason I all of a sudden decided to get attached to my pain. Which I never did in the past. And I now very quickly got rid of this attachment in order to be able to move forward.
I honestly think many men like this are borderline personalities. It's overdiagnosed in women, but men have this as well.
Thank you, jane! I need to hear those words. Now, ive known better that some things don't have reasons, they just need to be for our own good. 🙂
So glad this resonated with you, Jazel. You're so not alone in wanting to know "why"! 🙂
Hi again Jane! I´m on this post this time, I´m getting through ALL THOSE MEN out there, the not emotionally available , the one that can´t let you go, the classic dough bag, all the ones out there not for me, and I finally came to the DISAPPEARING GUY, isn´t that exciting? ( irony and laughter is all i have left..it´s so absurd all this). I met Pablo this time, american guy. What´s up with american guys by the way? This is the second one I meet and he turns in to the biggest asshole ever, next to american guy number one from last year. ( I know it´s the one I meet on the other side of the world...guys travelling seem to have this behavior. ) Ok, So Pablo came, stayed a week at my place, we went for biking all the days and immediately connected really well, made friends, made love and he brought it up, the big words..said he was so smitten by me, that even though it was not planned to fall in love travelling it happens when it happens, we could try, i could come to seattle, he could come back, etc etc, we looked at photos of my village in sweden, he said it looked like a place he could imagine growing old, he asked why i didn't have a boyfriend-asked to make a solicitude of that..., we were intime, we opened up, it was really really nice..spoke about previous relationship, what went wrong, what we did wrong, that it felt so natural between us, he said it " felt so good that he knew it would continue", and I slowly began to feel the same- cause i started off really cold and protected my heart..until the third day or so together, i realised i was also falling in love and enjoyed the ride. He took off to the alpes, he had a cabin reserved there and said it was bitter sweat to leave me but could not wait to see me again, we spoke about him coming to sweden ( i was about to leave spain to sweden for summer. this was 3 weeks ago.) the 26th of july, cause then he would have travelled with his cousin for some week and then the cousin would go back to the states. He sent me photos from the alpes, sais he missed me, really showing me good POTENTIAL. Then one day his phone got wet due to the rain in the mountains, there was a thunderstorm. My last message didm´t go though, his phone was off and damaged. Everything ok so far, if it wasn't for the fact I´m writing here. The message went though a week later, his phone was apparently working again, but still no answer from last message. Wrote him again, hello- are you alive, let me know something? Not a word...I emailed him, did not get it back, it went though, not any answer. Called him, phone was off..maybe it doesn't work well still..? I was in doubt because he had not been online on the internet forum we met since he was with me..( meeting site.) Until last week, some days before he was supposed to come here. He was online. And one hour later he deleted me from his contact list. I felt totally overwhelmed...I got my messages, he did not just not answer, he chased to delete me from his life...without A WORD. Last thing I know about him is satýing he misses me, and then, not anything. What kind of person does that? I feel so...duped..disappointed and..clueless. Anything..like, hey, I´ve been thinking and a long distance seattle-spain isn´t a good idea, or hey, I don´t want to see you in your village cause what ever, hey I got other plans, it was nice to meet you, we can be friends...but not a word? It is so incredible low and coward and I know the reason is that he isn´t a man to face his one actions. But I am so. so. so. so. tired and bored ( I´m not even hurt anymore, it hurts so much that I don´t feel it anymore) of guys that loves to spend a week with me, having a blast, love me those days, great sex, great connection, great everything but then either are assholes directly ( american guy number one- had girlfriend and is sociopath) , isn't emotionally available ( argentinian guy- we are great, but at this point in my life I can't have a girlfriend crap ) and now this- the disappearing guy...Each of them fill their purpose in my life and travel also, american number one thought me everything I do not want in a relationship, argentinian made love with me for the first time after being treated so bad by number one, and now pablo, said exactly what I believed in and wanted that argentinian would have said....but did not accomplish. So I´m getting there, but come on, this is getting absurd.
And I hear you more than you even know, Alva; but what if you take a chance on you? The same chances you take on all these men who promise so much yet deliver so little, who tap into that part of you that makes them and you into the epic romance that ends in the inevitable tragedy, and leaves you riding the waves of the emotional highs and lows at the expense of your beautiful loving, giving heart. You are seeing this, Alava! And that means yes, you are getting there. And yet it feels absurd because seeing it is one thing, falling for these types over and over again is another. And how I know! Can you take a step back before going head over heels again? Can you pull your own boundaries in close to you and allow yourself to slowly get to know someone before you give your beautiful heart and soul and body away again? You will know. There is no substitute for time spent going to real places, doing real things together, and getting to know each other as friends, as two people in this world who might have the things in common that matter but might not, too.
The ones who disappear are especially not comfortable with letting you down, with disappointing you because they know they're not there, as much as they may want to be, they know the truth. And so they run the farthest and the fastest often leaving not a trace because they know they can't pull it off anymore. It's never you, only the sad fact that we want to believe they can get there, because it's their potential we fall for so well. It's how we learn and come to see what we need to, Alva. For some of us, we get there quicker, for others, we have to learn so many things the hard way because it's the only way we'll see it the way we need to before we can make it our own and actually do something different once and for all. Love yourself, my beautiful friend. Find what you're really looking for in you. You're the only one who can change this, by finding what's so missing here in you.
Yea, I def have to do something here, cause it´s starting to be so insupportable. It feels like I´ve been going through three divorces the last six months, and every time I have to grief the friendship and connection that was created with that man. I´m really tired of feeling this way, I miss every each of them and I am desiring to have a stable relationship where I don´t have to fear the breakup and share the every day with someone. I´ll let you know my development!
When we've finally had enough of what isn't working, that's when we open ourselves up to what will. Looking forward to it, Alva!
Thankyou for this story Jane, it is really very helpful.
I wantd to share my story as well... I have dealt with a situation without closure, with a boy recently but with an added layer of complication. We had known each other for a year through friends but not well, although there was always attraction on both sides I think. Then one afternoon we spent hanging out, and having the most spontaneous, unexpected fun, and ended up getting together. I didn't want to start anything with him because I knew he had major comitment issues but I couldn't help it. We just connected so strongly that I couldn't stop myself. Things were further complicated by the fact that shortly after we started seeing each other he began living with one of my closest male friends, who I have known for 8 years, and usually have a beer and d & m with on a weekly basis. Sometimes my boy would call me every day, then he wouldn't answer a call or text from me in a week or two, and I would let it go, but then he would suddenly just show up somewhere with my friend (purposefully knowing I was there) and charm his way back again. After 6 months like this I was going crazy. I wouldn't hear anything from him in a month and then suddenly he would see me and run up to me, pick me up hollywood style and kiss me(or try to), regardless of who was there, and the chemistry between us was always so undeniable, even if i walked away straight after. Then the next time we saw each other he would act as if we were just friends, or something very strange like that. I knew the real problem is that, he has major major comitment issues and as soon as anything feels real or deep he runs away. And even though he really cared about me, each time he would see me and realise this he would run away more. I could see this. So finally I admitted it, and couldn't handle the limbo, and I sent him an email, (I would have liked to do it in person but he made it impossible) and I said whatever it was between us had to end for now. He didnt answer. The next two times he ran into me on the street (we live in a small community) he ignored me. But now what is even harder for me, is we still have to see each other not often but often enough, due to our mutual friends and world. At first we made polite conversation of a sentence or two. We were usually in a group. But now sometimes he phones just to chat - usually after we had an awkward encounter on the street... but it's always about superficial things. I feel like not only have I not had closure, he glosses over it like it never happened. Like all those memories we shared together and intimate crazy moments, where we danced to Beatles records in his basement, or he held my hands in his and asked me " how had he managed to find me?" - - its like they don't exist. They happened with a different person. And I'm finding it really hard to get over it. I don't quite know how to and usually I bounce back pretty fast... there is always this part of him still in my heart, knowing he lives ten mins walk, and with one of my closest friends, knowing one of his best friends is now working for us on a major project, and speaks to him everyday. I am not sure how you can properly break free of this person. I sent the 'break up email 3 months ago. Last week I walked past his work (the first time I had - i have avoided all areas where I know he hangs out for months - even the house he lives with my friend) and he was working, I gave him a wave and and he came and gave me this warm hug, and I knew there was still all this unspoken emotion. Actually I was tipsy and I didn't speak, my friend pulled me away.I can't quite emotionally cut the ties with this former one, I still don't feel like it's closed properly, and it's driving me crazy. All I really want is to meet a nice normal guy who wants to be with me in a relationship, not someone who is totally lost, and just confuses the hell out of me. I would love your advice Jane as everything I've read from you so far seems to make more sense then things I've heard for months.
Thanks so much,
Willow
Accept that it's not going to be "closed properly", Willow, because he doesn't want it to. This is one of those scenarios where the closure you're looking for is going to have to come from you by recognizing that he's not capable of giving you anything more than this erratic type of confusing behavior you've been getting from him, and that it has nothing to do with you. I wrote a post about exactly this entitled Why Asking Him Why Never Works.
As hard as it is to get over him while you have certain situations where you're likely to see him, it sounds like there's a part of you that wants to believe in this guy, wants to believe in "all those memories we shared together and intimate crazy moments, where we danced to Beatles records in his basement, or he held my hands in his and asked me " how had he managed to find me?" - - its like they don't exist." And so as long as you continue to believe that he may still come around, that you and your connection with him may be enough to eventually change him, or that he's just confused - all those things the media and our culture has us believing about true love and fairytales, he will be continue to be a part of your life.
"I didn't want to start anything with him because I knew he had major commitment issues but I couldn't help it" - You hold the answer in your own hands, Willow, you knew! Dig a little deeper and find out why you "couldn't help it." Why you ignored your own gut instinct that knew this about him. Find out what is so attractive about him, find out why the idea of him and him coming around is so appealing to you, and get to the root of what his confusing behavior holds for you and you will be able to release yourself from him in your own mind regardless of where you may happen to run into him. It has to come from you, in your own mind, with your own logic and reality checks for him to be reduced down to size for you so you can see him for what he is; a confused guy who doesn't know what he wants, who can't give you what you're looking for, who isn't on the same page as you, who lives this way because it works for him and isn't going to change anytime soon, if ever.
Your best response is to release him. Write him a letter - for you, not for him - that you don't send him telling him everything you want to say to him, and then write another letter to yourself telling yourself what your future happy self in a real relationship with a "nice normal guy who wants to be with you" would want to say to you about him.
You only want him if he gets on your page, Willow. And if that ever happens, you would absolutely be the first to know! Don't wait around for that. Release him from your own mind by focusing on you, by focusing on getting out there and living your own life and meeting people without worrying about where he is or what's doing, and you'll find that's the only place he exists in such an attractive light. To those of us who have had far too many experiences with exactly his type, we can assure you that he's not worth the place in your life you're giving him. Find it in you and you won't ever find yourself looking for whatever it is you're looking for in him again. You have so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you!
Thank you so much for your website and your perspective! It has helped me tremendously in a short period of time. My story (similar to all of the others who posted here) is that I was dating someone for a year and then he simply disappeared. I was heartbroken and cried almost non-stop for a month. But I'm now working on myself (its uncomfortable and difficult but transformational and empowering!). And what I now see clearly is that the guy who disappeared is simply a younger version of my father who disappeared when I was a young child and I've spent 25+ years chasing via unhealthy dating relationships. What I finally know to be true is that the most recent guy, the previous guys and my father were all broken in their own ways and simply incapable of loving me in a healthy way. Them leaving had nothing to do with me and was all about them and their issues. Amazing that they all came in different packages but were so similar at their core. And with each one, "the lessons" that I was supposed to learn kept getting louder and louder until I simply couldn't ignore them anymore. This most recent guy who I was calling "the one" 6 months ago was not only unable to love or commit, he is also an alcoholic. I saw all of these red flashing neons signs and still ran head first into his arms. I followed the advice of you gave to write him a letter and not send it. I poured my heart out into that letter and in many ways I was directing that letter at my father from the voice of a 5 year old as I was writing it to the guy I was involved with coming from my 43 year old voice. I then visualized myself releasing him from my heart and from my thoughts. And I can say I slept soundly that night.... The first time I slept soundly in years!
It's a process and a journey. I have a lot more work to do on myself, for myself, and I will stay committed to me. I won't abandon myself. But for the first time in my life, I truly believe that I'm worthy of love. May sound silly, but I'm starting to see things with a very different lens.
I'm glad to have the ability to tap into your insight and your readers experiences too.
Thank you so much!
I am truly thankful and feel more optimistic about my future than I have in a really long time 🙂
So glad you're seeing all this for yourself, Kim. We always think we can "fix" it, that we can somehow make it different simply by being enough to the detriment of our own beautiful selves. How beautiful to read that in writing that letter from your heart you were able to find the peace and rest your heart and soul so desperately needed -thank you for sharing this to inspire us all! It doesn't sound silly to begin to see things through a very different lens. It's how this becomes real for us; it's how we begin to see this for ourselves one step at a time. When you make that kind of commitment to yourself to see you through, to stay with you, to never leave you, you will reap the beautiful bounty of your journey. The love, the life that you were made for.
I'm thrilled for you to see this all laid out like this, Kim. Know that I'm always here for you, and what you're finding within yourself is only the beginning. It's a momentum, it's a way of seeing that only grows stronger the more we consciously choose the way we see. And it's absolutely inspiring to see from here. Thank you. 🙂
Jane, thank you for taking the time to respond! It says a lot about you and I will be a frequent visitor to your website. As much as I'm becoming more aware and feeling stronger, I know life doesn't move in a straight line and there will be those days when I'm having doubts, feeling less than, stepping back before I can go forward again, and this community you've created is such a wonderful support system for us all.
I came across a post of Facebook today and talk about feeling as if the universe was speaking (maybe yelling) directly to me: "One of nature's coolest tricks is that the people you are most attracted to are the same ones who will force you to heal." So true and such a powerful statement! The more I think about it, the more meanings it has for me. Whenever I've experienced that intense crazy overwhelming sort of attraction from the start, things have never ended well.
And sometimes it needs to yell for us to finally hear it loudly enough to see it! Thanks for sharing, Kim, I do my best to keep up on here; we're all on this journey at different places along the way together. It's how we do this, knowing we're not alone, that someone cares, that someone's been there, too. So glad this resonated with you!
Such a great advice! Really gave me a sense of calm.
Idealizing is really so quick to do, when you do not know
What you want and deserve.
I am going to drink my coffee and go for a swim. I deserve indeed
A man. The question is.. What do I deserve, and start believing it!
I should not be confused this much. Because what we essentialy want (love & commitment)
Is near us. Only the way we think and choose things are sometimes not loving or kind.
Reminds me of the article .. Breaking a bad habit!
I really am greatfull for Jane! You just made my day good & inspiring!
I am going to swimm and tan the doubts away!
Thank you.
So glad you found what you need in these words, Maris. It's that calm, that sense of peace that tells you what is true and what is something else. "Idealizing is really so quick to do, when you do not know what you want and deserve." - oh so true! We all need that clarity to pull us through to what we deserve, and keep us away from what we don't. There is such power in that clarity; that beautiful power of you!
Hi Jane, you're site has been very helpful in my recovery. I was dating a girl for 3 months. She's 37, has a great career and owns her own place and wants to have her own family/kids. When we first met she told me she had high walls and knew it was a problem and was working on it. She also let me know that she has not had sex in 2 years. She said her walls were high because she's been burned from bad relationship in the past. In particular a 5 yr relationship where the guy was emotionally abusive and cheated on her. She actually went to see a therapist following the end of that relationship. I also learned early on that honest/trust were her deal-breakers. I was initially dishonest with her about my living situation (I was living at home with my parents b/c i had to take care of them as they were both not in good health). I clarified my living situation with her after 4-5 dates. She was super sweet and supportive the night I told her. We continue dating for another month. One night over dinner with some of her friends, she learned new things about me relating to my work history. I believe she thought I was not open with her about my past. I believe my not being more open/forthcoming about my work history made her believe I was not an honest person. That same night I had my first sleepover at her place. We were not intimate that night or during the time we dated. We basically cuddled the entire night and talked. She let me know that I was the only guy she's had in her been in over 2 yrs. She also said that she wanted her own family/kids. A few days later she called and said she could not start a relationship based on dishonesty and me not being open about my history. She also said that she knew herself well enough that she would always think that I was not telling her everything. She also said if i want to spend the rest of my life proving to her that i'm trustworthy. I felt blindsided by the breakup since everything was great up until the end. She showed a lot of interest and said no one has ever treated her as well as i've treated her. I'm really confused by the abruptness of the breakup and her not wanting to meet up in person or chat on the phone to talk about what happened. Furthermore adding to my confusion is what her last text to me stated. She said that she "really hopes we can stay in contact if and when i'm ready. Who knows... maybe our timing will come back around. I know i'm going to look back on this and kick myself at some point." I feel this last message was very unfair to me... Appreciate any thoughts you may have 🙂 I love to know whether it was trust issues at play here or that she was in a place where she was ready to settle down and start a family and I was not in that same place yet since I was not independent and was in the process of looking for a job.
It doesn't sound like this has anything to do with you at all, Jay. It sounds like someone who's really confused about what she wants and who would have found any reason for an out to get back to her own comfort level. Try not to take it personally. The last message was clearly for her and not for you, to make her feel better ending things with you, so try not to read anything more into it. It really doesn't matter why, so don't torture yourself looking back and trying to find the reason. Focus on you, on getting your life together the way you want it to be so that you can feel good and confident about what you have to offer. Because there is someone who will be on the same page who will be looking for exactly who you are and won't leave you second-guessing yourself like this!
Hi Jane
Just found your site. I had been with my fiance for four years, when on Friday last he texted me to say he was breaking off our engagement, that I wasnt worthy of him and deserved someone better. His phone was turned off for two days. I spoke with him on the Monday, and he told me that he just couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't do the stress and pressure of responsibility. He just couldn't cope. He had a heart attack about nine years ago and he said
that he had been getting discomfort in his chest and was worried about it, was considering calling his cardiologist. I said to him that I could take the pressure off with paying the bills, etc and he just said no. I asked him to come home and he said, I can't Val. I said I thought you loved me, you asked me to marry you and he said I know but I just can't do it. He even cancelled all the direct debits and has found himself a bedsit about 15 miles away. I asked if he still loved me and he said no! But I love him, I can't cope with this pain, I just want to die. The doc has given me diazepam but it numbs things and I don't know if that's good? I haven't had my mobile on for two days as it was taunting me! So I don't know if he's tried contact or not. I haven't eaten. I have two kids to think about and they are as perplexed as I am. His stuff is still in my house and I don't know what to do with it? I'm broken Jane. How could someone who wanted to marry me completely destroy my world?
Because it's not about you, Val. This is about him. I so hear what you're saying and how broken you're feeling right now, but this is not about you. He's going through something of his own - whether it's mental, physical, emotional or some combination of all three. Some people simply aren't capable of getting to where they think they can without some serious help with their own issues - and they have to come to that and seek out that help - for themselves. Don't put yourself through this. I know it hurts, but it's not worth your life like this or what you're doing to yourself. Don't take on what's not yours to take on, no matter how much it feels like it will help. It will only hurt you more because it's not yours to fix; this has to come from him. What you need most right now is love and compassion for yourself. Feed yourself, take care of your body, your heart, and your soul. Get the support you need from the people who love you and are there for you and don't go through this alone. Talk to your doctor or a counselor or someone who can help you see this from an outside perspective; I know how hard it is to see this when you're in it. You will come through this, Val. But you're not meant to go through it alone!
After reading your article i could feel the weight in my chest lessen. there are so many other comments up here but i guess it helps in a way to just let it out. And i want to say thank you for being there and giving strength for each and everyone of us who's going through situations like this. And sorry in advance for such a long comment to come!
Sometimes it's just so hard to accept that it just wasn't meant and move on. In my case the last 2 weeks particulary has been torture. I've lost my appetite and feel horrible. the only thing that makes me feel better is a long sprint on the treadmill!! (at least that works to my advantage - i've always hated excersising). I go back reading every single msg of those last texts we exchanged trying to figure out if i was being unreasonable.. every night feels like forever, just waiting to see if he will text me to say he misses me and lets work it out now.. or at the least to tell me that it's over. I feel like i'm just hanging. the fact he he is still active on his social media accounts with no signs of being upset concerns me. I ask myself why doesn't he delete me from them and it makes me hopeful but then the thought sinks in.. what if he just doesn't have the courage and would rather i do it??
And i'm not saying he was horrible, i am coming to accept the fact that maybe he was just not up there with me.. and i guess knowing that really hurts when u want it to work our so much and u had invested so much of yourself in the relationship.
we had a long distance relationship for over 1 and a 1/2 years (different countries). we supported each other in being the best we could be and it felt great! He was definitely a back bone when it came to achieving success. and he claimed that i was good for him and wants me in his life. He kept dreams of us being together alive, making plans & getting my opinions on important things - he just moved to a new city to start a new career and life which i was supposed to be part of (he is 30). It had always been hard just not knowing when the wait would end.. and the hardest part was after he made that move and i could feel a change. He never really liked talking over the phone - why?? beats me. but we agreed it should take place once in a while. we texted often throughout the day and mostly everyday. initially we often skyped but gradually it lessened to a point that we hadn't done it in many months. the same for telephones.. it came to a point that it became so hard to even ask for his random picture but he always insisted on mine. so a few weeks ago i tried to raise this with him (over text as he did not pick up my calls) and he called me emotional and refused to text back.. then things were fine when they were swept under the rug. So i tried to raise the issues again asking to talk and one day it even came to a point where i felt like i was begging. it was that day he just stopped all contact. i couldn't call his phone. he didn't even look at my IMs nor did he reply to my email. And the hardest part was.. (yes they all seem like the hardest parts LOL) it wasn't like i was out there looking for a fight!! i was calm and collected. my mission was to resolve not to be ms right and pick on him. But obviously it was too much for him.. and i have the strongest feeling in the world that things will never get back. I noticed that he updated his old dating profile which happened soon after his move to the new city. one look was enough for me.. I was shattered knowing that he did this and at the same time he was making promises to me.. he's always been honest and respectful with my feelings. I will never understand what happened or why and most likely will never get to.. what felt like a strong solid relationship just disappeared into thin air in a blink of an eye. and here i am trying to pick up the pieces.. of myself.
i'm 34, hurt, scared to love and numb. honestly a part of me strongly wishes he will come back to me but the other part of me is saying - it was good while it lasted but he aint the one. The one would never do that if he truly cared. So i'll continue to strive and be a better woman, hopefully cross paths with a better man. But until then .. hell this is tough.
I'm so glad this lifted some weight off of you, Marita. Listen to your gut instincts, it's there on that deep level within you that you always know what's there. I so hear what you're saying. As much as we want it to be different, as much as we hope for that fantasy that we imagine it could be if only he could get there himself, what we're learning more than anything is that we cannot change anyone but ourselves. It is what it is right now. This is about what you can live with and what you can't. It's what you want, and what you don't. Ask yourself what you need, what you want, what's underneath all this that keeps you wanting more from someone who can't give it to you. We all have our stories, and understanding what these are that belong to us, instead of focusing on the why and what of someone else's story, will bring you far more peace than trying to understand the "why".
Hi Jane. So happy Google sometimes leads me to gems likes your website. Bless you! So I am obviously another tortured soul, looking for respite, rationale and answers to a romance that flurried up very quickly about 8 weeks ago and suddenly just ended…without words, without any explanation…he simply disappeared after practically professing his love. One day he was ready to plan a vacation to Cabo with me and the next, he vanished.
Here’s my background: I am an attractive, 48 year old woman who has been celibate and off the market for over ten years after the failure of my marriage in 2004. I had decided to quit guys those years and focus on myself and my kids. The ten years really did wonders for me. I am in great shape and workout 5 days a week, have an awesome job and wonderful group of friends. Thus I am very independent…not needy or desperate in any way. Over the past year or so, I noticed men taking more notice of me…checking me out at the gym, grocery stores and at work, etc…so I started to regain interest in dating. So last Fall I jumped on Match.com, experienced a few “interesting” and humorous dates, but nothing serious. It was good testing ground for dipping my toes in the dating pond again. I was ready to go again!
Then in Mid-March I met thisMatch.com guy for dinner one night, and I was suddenly caught up in the romance to end all romances. Or so I thought. The guy completely fell head over heels for me…taking me to lunch all the time, taking me out to dinners, romantic jazz clubs, showering me with praise verbally and texts every day. At first I wasn’t into him physically, but over time I fell for his amazing personality and what I truly felt was a grounded stable man, with much character and depth. Our romantic evenings were amazing, especially on several occasions when he almost uttered the “L” word and I had to laugh and tell him he was moving way to fast and to tap the breaks a bit. I mean this guy was INTO me, Jane, and I returned the affection that he wanted and seemed to crave.
Then suddenly during our 8th week together, he went on a business trip and everything changed. I felt it the night before he left because he never called or texted that evening. Then while he was away, I sent him maybe two quick texts to check in on him with zero response. In my gut, I knew something was very wrong. I literally anguished over him– you know that empty hollow feeling filled with questions and sadness that keeps you up at night? Then, knowing he was flying back on third night, I texted him and asked him if we could catch up via phone that evening. He didn’t respond until the next morning with a simple “Home!”. So I replied that we should talk, and that was it. Not a response…not an email… not a phone call. Nada, ziltch, nothing. I waited a few days after that, and I texted him that I could “read his silence loud and clear” and that I guess it was “over between us”… Still nothing.
WTF? Did he get cold feet? Did he meet some slut on the trip and fall in love a second time so quickly? Is he mentally unstable? I, like so many others here feel that it is extremely unjust for another human being to treat someone this way. How can someone go from hot to cold like that in an instant? I have been torturing myself by mentally reviewing the past weeks spent with him…looking for any red flags, any signs that I should have seen SOMETHING was coming…. But there was absolutely no warning… Our last late night conversation two days before his trip was very “lovey dovey” on HIS part and lasted almost an hour. It even ended with him saying he’d miss me… This has completely freaked me out. I had finally start to trust someone and care for them after all these years and I get dumped with zero explanation???!!!!! So I am just now starting to recover. I know I will survive, but wow would I love some answers to my questions, that quite frankly I know in my heart I will never receive.
I will survive…I am strong, and I even have a hot date set up next week with a 30 year old guy I met dancing a few months ago. But the questions, while fading, still haunt me. Again…WTF????
Thank you, Claire; and welcome! As you can see, you're not the first, and unfortunately, you won't be the last to experience yet another disappearing man. One of the things that makes this so difficult is that their behavior defies all logic - especially our own! - because we simply cannot fathom how and why they can let something go and just walk away from what they themselves were so into, without so much as a backward glance, let alone an explanation for their actions.
The very first thing to do here is to stop torturing yourself by going back over everything in the past to try to figure out what happened. We always think there's a clue in something we said or did, or they said or did or in something that happened to shed some light on all of this. He's not you and you're not him, and he doesn't think like you. The reality is, Claire, he probably doesn't even know, let alone understand what happened himself. This is never about you; it's always, always, always about him and where he's at, and what his comfort level was with the relationship and what he needed to do to get back into his comfort zone that had nothing to do with you. The only red flag there could possibly have been was what you already sensed when you recognized that "he was moving way too fast and to tap the breaks a bit". But when you're in it, it's so hard to see, so don't go back there and stay in the past; move ahead to where you are right now, with new prospects and new options and a new outlook for today and tomorrow and the rest of your life.
If this guy really was right for you, he would have been able to follow through. You deserve so much more than someone who thinks he's there, who wants to be there, but someone who actually does what it takes to get himself there. That's his stuff and his journey and not yours.
You've gotten yourself to such a great point of confidence in yourself, Claire, let this be an experience with someone who wasn't on your page as much as he thought he could be, and let yourself move on knowing that you're the one doing the choosing, and not the other way around. When you have all that you have to offer, remember that you will find many men who are interested in you, but you are the one who gets to choose who you give your time and energy - and your beautiful self! - to. Take the time to slow things down, to remember that you're the prize, and to take your time getting to know someone so that you can find out for yourself that he's truly worthy of you.
Jane - I can't thank you enough for your amazing wisdom and insight. You must be sent from heaven with such words of encouragement and clarity. What you have to say DOES make sense and I really think if I focus on that, I can get through this. Sometimes all we need to hear is support and logic like yours. I think we as women are stronger and more empowered than we tend to believe we are. If we could just tap into that strength and that self-confidence that we already have, we could get through these life incidences so much easier. Jane, thanks for being a force to be reckoned with, regarding affairs of the heart!
That's exactly it, Claire! We already know these things for ourselves if we're willing to look at ourselves and the reality of our situations as objectively as someone with an outside perspective can. That's the hardest part of all of this and why I'm always here for exactly that! 🙂
Hi Jane ,
I too want to thank you for your wonderful words of inspiration! I reconnected with a guy I dated in high school after some thirty years. We instantly connected and it felt like those years were only days! This was also a long distance relationship, or I should say "friendship" which is what he always called it. We had a whirlwind weekend and communicated each day after our initial coming back. Then when he came home for a holiday he changed we had a horrible argument and didn't talk for two months. During New Year's Eve as I sent well wishes to friends I decided to send one to him also . He responded and said he was glad I was being objective about things and that we would chat soon . I didn't think anything about that , but two weeks later he came back home for a funeral and called to see me. He was only here for the one day. Upon entering my house he strolled to my bedroom, I asked what did he think he could just walk back into my life without explanation, he said he didn't want to argue and hugged me, I asked him what was he doing here what did he want. He became very affectionate and we spent the night together. We talked everyday after and he returned the next weekend for a funeral. He stayed at my house and we went to the funeral together. It was a common friend family member that died, this guy was his best friend, so after that night and next day I didn't see him anymore , he was visiting with his friend . I felt left out and disappointed that he didn't even ask for me to join them. Red flags always came up especially when he was spending time with his friends, he never asked me to come along , he always said that he was with his buddies and would see me later. Because he lives in another state I didn't mind because he always came to me after. (yes I know silly me). He came to town four more times and each time we spent more and more time together, our conversations in the meantime became better and both of us opened up about our pasts and our future plans and supported each other in those plans being realized . He also asked my forgiveness about reintroducing sex to me without commitment , I accepted his apology, but told him it wasn't just his decision, that I was a part of that. He also said that he wanted to do things differently in his life, i asked in what way, he said how to love a black woman, he said he was reading books about it , i told him having been a black woman for a long time i could help with that. his response was i was hoping you could, and that he was looking for spiritual guidance too. September was the last month we spent together. He was here for nine days and literally spent seven of them with me, not his parents or adult children or friends. It was heaven we talked ate dinner together he drove me to work and picked me up. The day he left he told me that he's not trying to be sarcastic but he's never spent that much time with anyone before. Well I felt happy and loved . As time went on he was planning to come home for the Christmas holidays, we talked two days before and he wasn't sure if money was going to be there, then I didn't hear anything from him, I received a call on Christmas Day evening saying merry Christmas and I responded to it later that day. I was angry that he didn't call early in the day and that he didn't tell me he wasn't coming! The day After New Years he called and left a message that he was still in town and wanted to talk! To say the least I was upset, when we talked he apologized for not telling me he was here, but that it was the first time in over twenty years that he was here for the holidays and his mom was so excited about him being here. I told him I can understand that his mom was happy but he could have called me and told me he was here. That if I had known I could have supported his decision to spend time with his family . We talked for a little while and he prayed for our friendship over the phone and made arrange ts to meet the next day. A severe snowstorm came overnight and we didn't see each other . Which means he was here for almost two weeks and I didn't see him at all! I did figure I wouldn't see a lot of him on his next visit based on his statement in September. Our conversations were good in January he asked the first time we talked , if I was still upset and started saying he was so sorry repeatedly , I accepted his apology and said that he could have told me he was here and made an attempt to see me. Because he knew that I missed him, in October I had sent him a text saying to visualize this I'm pouting and saying to myself I miss you. He replied there are several things he missed about me too; my laugh , which was so familiar from years ago, the way I say aw man and laugh after that, my smile , and most of all my calming presence . So there were always conversations about things we enjoyed and missed about each other. Jan. and Feb. our conversations became less, he told me his heart and mind was split, I told him to go with his guts and not to think to much about whatever was making him feel this split . He came to town again in March, he was planning to be here for three months. I found out about his long stay after he was here, we met for dinner, he asked if I had been seeing anyone else, I told him there was a gentleman that was interested in me , he then asked if I was attracted to him and if I had been intimate, for both I said no. Then I asked him, he told yes he had slept with someone, I was shocked and saddened. To end that long story , I became afraid about that statement and asked for us to be exclusive , he said very quietly two times, I can't ,I can't right now. A week or so later I sent him a letter telling how I felt about him and us, he never replied to it, we continued to text and talk occasionally after. A few more weeks went by I sent him another letter saying that since he couldn't find the words to tell me why he changed, then I neede to exit the friendship , he replied funny and that he get it, and that we would chat soon. We still talked and texted occasionally, he even stopped by the house once. A few weeks later, I sent him a text asking him if he's still ignoring me, he replied no and said I was too funny, I told him; he fooled me. He then said no he didn't fool me that we have different eyes, desires, goals and motives.
I told him no your eyes have been opened by someone else and that your choices are deliberately hurting me, his choice to sleep with someone and not see or communicate with me although he knew I missed youand that he even said things about me that he missed.
After this very long comment he disappeared from me i don't know why except to think that he left for the other woman. In my letters I asked him numerous times to tell me if he were gone from us or let's talk so that my thoughts are not the basis of what's happening between us. He agreed to talk but said he was sick and asked about other times to meet but I was busy. He even just called to chat one day! I was confused about what was happening between us, but my instincts are telling me that he's gone with the other woman( who incidentally lives in another state from each of us. My instincts also tell me that he's afraid of making a commitment . I just needed another pair of supportive ears to hear my story/life . I have the best friends in the world who have heard my woes, and support me wholly! It's still a very hard pill to swallow and I cry off and in, but I am hourly resisting the temptations up call/ text/ write him. Thanks for reading and don't advice would be greatly appreciated!!
I do hear you, Adina. And I can tell you that whenever you have that push and pull and back and forth in a relationship, there's a reason that doesn't have anything to do with love. For whatever reasons that are unique to both of you, there are triggers for both of you. It's why he goes away and then comes back. It's why you let him go, and then write him letters. It's how he can be with you and then with someone else. It's why he does what he does and you do what you do. His stuff is about him, and yours is about you.
You're both on two different pages, no matter how related they may seem. Don't keep putting yourself through this or asking him to define where the two of your are at now, or what's really going on. He doesn't know himself, let alone tell you why. Love is never complicated, no matter how much we try to make it into our very own love story; it's just not. There's no wondering where you stand in real love, there's no second-guessing, or questioning where he is and why. There's no red flags. There's no question. You know. And if you don't, you also know.
Don't make this about you, Adina, you're so much than what you've been through here. It's time for someone to release the both of you, and if it's not going to be him, let it be you. For yourself, so you can begin fresh. If he's the one for you, you'll be the first to know. There won't be a question. You can call him, text him, write him, do whatever you need to find your sense of peace and calm and leave yourself with the least amount of regrets. None of that will change where he is and where you are. But unless you're both on the same page, nothing else matters. Whatever you decide to do, you have a beautiful life just waiting for you to live it.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for your incredible advice, you are the ONLY thing that has been able to dig me out of a very dark and sad place. I can hardly believe the love and wisdom your post bring, you help me to find myself again and regain my peace of mind and for that I am forever grateful.
I had another idea that I wanted to share with others. Rituals have always been very important in finding closure during grief (which is what the end of a relationship is) and my idea is to play out a break up scenario, because what you really want is to get this person out of your mind and break up with their memory because it is hanging around and causing you pain.
So, I sit down at a table with an empty chair. I imagine my ex (or anyone who just disappeared) sitting across from me. I look into his eyes and I tell him that it's over and to please leave me alone. He is hurting me with his presence and I ask him to leave. I tell him anything else I want to say, but mostly that he has been following me around now for too long and it's time for him to leave.
I imagine him crying and begging me to stay, but I stay strong and tell him again to leave, even though it hurts me, it is for the best. I also ask if I can have my soul back and he takes a ball of light and returns it to me, placing it on the table in front of me. I take it and place it back in my heart and watch him reluctantly walk away.
The truth is that it is me that needs to break up with his memory now because having him hang around in memory only just hurts me and gives me nothing in return. I must ask this memory to leave.
There are other things you can do like write a letter and burn it, hold a funeral service for your relationship, write down your two names on a piece of paper and watch it burn. Rituals are a powerful signal to the subconscious when you want to let go. It doesn't mean you aren't going to think about him or feel sad, but it can be a huge push in the right direction and you might want to repeat it until your painful feelings subside.
Love and light to all who are going through this.
Thank you, JayJay; I'm so glad this is resonating with you. And thank you for sharing these rituals from your own experience so that this can resonate and help someone else in turn. We're never alone, no matter how much it seems that way sometimes. When you've been there, you understand more than anyone else can. Much love to you. 🙂
This happened to me a few months ago, my man of 5.5 years just disappeared, too. He cut off all contact, turned his phone off, told co-workers he wasn't going to show up to work for a week. I tried to email, call, leave messages for a few days, then I decided to keep my dignity intact, and stop pursuing a man who clearly wasn't interested in talking to me, and had put up a wall.
Basically, we had been living together for 5 years, and he had been the one to bring up marriage. We met when I was at my most vulnerable, getting over another bad relationship. I told him clearly I wasn't ready, and I needed time, but he persisted and chased after me. Over time, I healed and developed deep feelings of love for him. There were many red flags that I ignored such as him living with his parents, having no stable job or income, no friends etc. I was also very unhappy with him because although he wasn't abusive or mean, he was not a thoughtful, considerate, generous boyfriend to me. All I got from him was companionship, and a shoulder to cry on, but other than that he ignored all my needs. However, I was so lonely and vulnerable that I put up with being a doormat, and compromised on my needs and expectations.
I finally reached a point where I had zero expectations, fooled myself that I was happy with him, so long as he loved me and committed to me. I was busy in graduate school until last May, and he had promised me he would propose after my graduation. I didn't push him until then, but then after May, when I tried to hold him to his promise, he started acting really shady, inventing excuses at every turn.
Valentine's day was when he finally supposed to do it. He really led me to believe it, I had picked out a ring, our family and friends had been informed, heck my mom was even looking at wedding venues! Valentine's day came, and we went out that evening. When we finally returned home, and nothing had happened, I looked him in the eye, and stated that I knew he wasn't going to propose again. He agreed, and I asked why would he so cruelly and sadistically lead me to believe he would, and get me all excited?! His answer was that he didn't know, but that he loved me and cared for me, and this is what I had wanted. I lost it at that point, and am ashamed to say that I physically lashed out at him. He ran off, and I have not had contact with him since then!
I gave this man and this relationship my all. I cooked for him, kept house for him, financially supported him, ignored my needs, my family and my career for him. I tried to motivate him to get out of his career rut, even connecting him with people who could help. He never followed up on any of those. I even treated his family members well, cooking for them, spending time with them, buying them presents etc. In return, I only got verbal abuse and condescension from his brother, and bitchy comments from his mother. I was just another woman for their brother/son to use and discard. Just before the separation, things with his family got out of hand, and I distanced myself from his abusive, illiterate and backward family. His response was to distance himself from me, and use that as yet another excuse to not commit. He even admitted before our breakup, that he had been taking me from granted all along. Now he is back to living with his family, which is so shameful as a grown 35 year old man, working the same poor-paying job.The parents are enablers, and can't see any wrong with their precious son, the umbilical cord was never cut.
I am so angry, hurt and disillusioned in humanity and mankind! Most of all, I am angry with myself, for being his fool to string along! His friends and ex-girlfriend had tried to warn me years ago, about his true nature, but I ignored them all! I tried to see potential in him, and thought my love can fix him, change him. I was so wrong!
In the last two months before the break up, we had been going to see a relationship counselor, who after things ended, told me that I was better off without this man in my life. He told me that this man was a commitment phobe, an extreme conflict avoidant personality, who had zero communication skills. He told me that nobody could have a successful relationship with somebody like this.
All my friends and family are happy for me, and say the same. They all say that I am free of someone who was poisoning my life and happiness, and could not appreciate me, or love me. Everyone says that I will find someone way better who will love and appreciate me, and treat me well. However, it is hard to get over the betrayal, the loss of plans/dreams, and the lack of closure. It is hard to believe that there is someone out there who won't crush my heart again. Logically, I know what everyone is saying is true, but subconsciously, it hasn't sunk in yet.
I am dealing with depression and anxiety especially since I also don't have a paying job right now. He had convinced me that after graduation last year, I should take a break, and not look for jobs right away. He said I had taken care of him, and it was his turn now. So I didn't look. On top of it all, I am here on a work permit, and I could be unemployed for three months only. If I didn't get a job by then, I would have had to go back to my country. He had assured me that if that happened (not getting a job), he would take me down to city hall and marry me to keep me here. One week before the deadline, I knew he wasn't going to keep his word, and I would have had to lose everything I had worked so hard for and go back. I managed to get a non-paying job. he basically left me in a lurch financially as well.
The betrayal of this man knows no bounds. How can he sleep at night knowing that he has lied to, used and cheated me like this?! I who really cared for him, and would do anything for him. How can he go about his life, knowing that he almost destroyed mine?! Is his conscience dead?!
He is such a coward that a while back, he contacted a friend, saying he was sorry the way things went down, and that he would never ever find anyone like me again. He was trying to assuage his guilt, and probably indirectly apologizing. What a pathetic excuse for a human being!! I am sorry I ever loved him, or even met him. I don't wish him ill, but I sincerely pray that he doesn't fool another innocent, kind, giving woman like me. I am not his first victim, but I hope I am his last!!
Hi Jane. It's my first time commenting on this type of website, but I wanted to ask a question. I was seeing someone for two months and I couldn't have asked for a better time. I am not idealizing anything; I am telling you the truth. He was respectful, passionate, a gentleman, fun, wanted to be involved in my life, thoughtful, and was consistently so. We talked about the future often, had many great dates, and he always took the initiative. Our last date was wonderful. However, two days ago he told me via text he wasn't interested in a serious relationship and I was shocked. No, he never told me this from the start, this was completely new information. That's the background.
I responded in a casual way because I didn't want to show I was hurt and terribly sad, but I asked if we could meet for five minutes (I was being honest). He said he would be tied up for the next few days and is going on a trip next week (I already knew that), but he asked if we could talk on the phone. I told him when I'd be available, but he wouldn't be available at that time so he said the next day. I said it was not a big deal, but only that I had gotten him some of his favorite band's memorabilia (I wasn't expecting him to break it off at all), and I didn't know if he still wanted them. He said thank you so much and that it was really nice of me and was sorry for responding late (paraphrasing) and let's talk tomorrow for sure then. I only responded with, "Okay!" He didn't call and I haven't said anything either. However, I am sad that I was never able to say a real goodbye, so this is ultimately a closure question. I am in the grieving stage right now, I miss him very much, but I am not sure whether I should say anything further. I think I know the answer, but I'd like to hear it from someone as kind as you are, along with some confidence boosters! I suppose it saddens me that I was never able to tell him goodbye and be done with it, and this is what bothers me the most. But is it worth saying anything? I am not as torn up about it as I was when it first happened, so I am improving. While I don't understand why any of this happened, I am slowly accepting it and I know it was all on his end. Thank you.
The problem with trying to get that formal closure and see him, or talk to him, or have something to do with him that "one last time", is that it's often about us trying to do or say or give him something to get him back or show him why we he's making the wrong decision. So it's not that there's anything wrong with saying anything, but it's what this can do to our self-esteem and our confidence when we try to make a case for ourselves that we only hurt ourselves more. Because what's done is done. He's where he's at. He's made his decision. It's the reality of what is, as much as you want it to be different. I wrote a post about this that you may find helpful, Why Asking Him Why Never Works.
Find your own peace for yourself in accepting this reality, A. It's not personal, it's not about you, it's about him and where he's at. We do so much unnecessary damage to our beautiful hearts and souls when we second guess ourselves and try to understand what we did "wrong". It's never about that. It's a gift, it's a reality check that you couldn't otherwise have seen. And now, you are free to find someone who is on your page, who wants what you want with you, and is willing to do what it takes to make that happen. You deserve nothing less than this!
Thank you so much! I don't regret saying what I did (I feel bad letting this stuff rot here because I'm not a fan), I haven't said anything to him again, and I've deleted the emails, texts, pictures, hid away our things, etc. I've been crying less and less each day (it has only been three days!). Although I miss him terribly and I'm in the grieving/shocked stage, I know it's completely over, I know it is about him, so I'm moving on slowly as a turtle but surely. I suppose the only thing now is to slowly be able to let myself be open again to others when it comes to love. I was blindsided by this even though I tried to be very careful, so you can say I'm confused and somewhat more cynical. I guess time will heal all things, including that, and later I'll have the time to meet someone who is on the same page as I am. Thank you for your kind words and I truly appreciate them.
"As slowly as a turtle but surely" is exactly how most of us move on, A! All that matters is that you keep moving; you're so not alone!
I am so happy I found this article. I am in exactly this place right now. After 3 months of dating what seemed like a 'perfect gentleman' he suddenly changed on me (on Valentine's weekend I must add). Things went from bad to worse from then, he claimed to be depressed so I stood by him and tried to be there for him even though I had not the week before been in a car crash and was in agony and it was me making every effort to see him (we too had a long distant relationship). I was petrified of driving but drove to his to see him, he came to see me once after I was left with no car following the crash yet he blamed me to not making any effort, he also threw it in my face I'd not met his kids yet but ignored the fact I wasn't ready to do so. I then went on a holiday for three weeks (which was booked before we had met) and on the day of my flight (which he knew I was dreading because of my back injuries) I heard nothing from him, he never came to see me at the airport as promised and this is how it has been left.
I know it is all because of his issues that we are in this situation so I am trying not to think 'what did I do wrong' etc, and my gut instinct told me it was going wrong from Valentines but I didn't want to give up on him if he was genuinely depressed but it's killing me the way he suddenly changed on me, blamed me for all this and let me down, not seeing it from my point of view as I tried to explain to him.
This is my first weekend back in the country and so far I have deleted every message, photo, every contact on social media sites and even his number. I am bitter at the moment that he has been such a coward and left me with no closure. I know it's for the best as the last couple of times we met up I felt uncomfortable and even wondered why I was even there. It's hard too as he is my best friends step-brother so I will no doubt come into contact with him in the future (unless I can help it!) and I don't want to put her in any awkward position. I have good days and bad where I'm either angry or saddened, I should be used to no contact seems he slowly stopped contacting me throughout the days, stopping the good morning/night messages but I can't help hope he'll contact me and just explain why he became withdrawn, my gut is it's his ex (they had a bad relationship and admitted I was the first girl he'd dated in over 7 years so he is either not over her or not ready to be in another relationship, either which I would accept if I was just told the truth). I need to accept that I'm not going to get this closure and move on!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Kerryann. You're exactly right; you didn't do anything wrong; this is about him and not you. You sensed it, you knew it, your gut instinct told you you can trust yourself. You always know! If you haven't already read the post on why asking him why never works, you may find it helpful in getting through this. And remember that a real relationship is always about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and do what it takes to make that happen. You deserve nothing less than this!
I have just read this article and thank you for bringing it to my attention. All his family have said (through my friend/his step-sister not to me directly) that he is selfish in general and I'm not to blame for this and this article has just made me realise this more and that whatever person he would end up dating, he will act this way in time. Today I am having a good, enpowering day knowing I don't need this type of guy in my life, I was happy before I met him and I even told him at the beginning I was happy being single then putting up with someone who brought me down (when talking about my ex and our breakup). I need to keep reminding myself of life before him and how happy I was, he brought me down in the short time we were together, friends noticed I was unhappy in the last few weeks and havent it been for his 'depression' I would have walked away!
He contacted me out of the blue this weekend, saying he hoped I had a good holiday, I snapped at him saying I'd been back ages and told him how I felt when he never turned up at the airport, I expected him to apologise at least, but heard nothing. I don't understand why he suddenly got in contact with me, then ignored me again!....I felt terrible all weekend and I have stupidly just texted him again, I've tried to convince myself this is my 'goodbye' text saying I hope we can clear the air incase we bump into each other again through my friend/his step-sister in the future and that I don't want it to be awkward. I've instantly regretted sending this message, is this exactly what he wanted? Me chasing him again? I feel in a way I am apologising to him for being hurt and upset by his actions!...I wanted him to contact me again all this time and the minute he did I felt terrible, I am never going to get the apology or closure I wanted, I know this so why am I still chasing for it?! I don't expect him to reply to this either, so again I will spend the night torturing myself for messaging him again...I was doing so well getting over him and forgetting him and he's just come crashing back in my mind causing me even more pain!
I haven't been coping and I broke my no contact after 2 weeks and tried to call him. The phone rang and he didn't answer so I left a voicemail just asking him to call me. He has not returned my call or even txt a response.
What do I do?
I gave in and contacted and now I'm feeling worse as he has chosen to completely ignore it and forget I exist
You did what you thought was best for you, Carlah; so don't beat yourself up for that. You're the only one who is this hard on yourself. Know that you can't control how he responds to your voicemail and it doesn't change anything about what's going on for him because it's only about him.
Please don't take any of this personally, although I know that's so much easier said than done, but what you're getting here from him is a reality check; it's not a rejection of you! Focus on you, on the beautiful woman you are that deserves someone who's on your page, want the same relationship as you do, and wants to be with you.
You're still the beautiful woman you are before you met him and you still have a life of your own to live! You're still the prize!
Hi everyone really really desperate for advice and after reading this hope I can get some.
My partner and I have been together 3yrs. Was always so so loving and romantic and generally just so caring for me. We went abroad for a few years and everything was fine - we retuned back home last year and then in September he just never came home one day. After contacting him and no response for hours I finally received a txt saying he needed space. Long story short we eventually got back together in Nov/Dec and all was great. He said he had a breakdown and that he loved me and wanted to be with me and wouldn't stop apologizing for leaving and hurting me. Since then he has been the man I fell in love with and obviously I was hurt by what he did so my confidence and trust took a knock but he assured me daily he loved me and wanted a future with me.
4days ago he was coming to spend the weekend with me after working away and he turned up and basically said he didn't know how he felt and after hours of talking and him not wanting to just speak out he said he feels he doesn't love me enough and that I deserve more. He was crying and saying depressive things like he doesn't want anyone to love him and I must add that a month ago he admitted to me that he was having dark thoughts and even suicidal but had gone to talk with someone.
He carried on the break up just upset and saying he's a horrible person and I questioned when his love changed which he replied 2-3months ago - this was the big shock as he acted loving and told me he loved me everyday so I don't know what to believe!
I took this news so badly that he was worried and said he would call me the next day. He did call and I hoped he would change his mind but he hasn't and I ended up hanging up the phone in so much hurt.
I haven't tried to call or txt or email but I am absolutely desperate to!!! I haven't eaten since this happened and I'm literally crying in bed constantly. Can someone please speak with advice for me on this. I know it's about no contact but I don't know if his depressive state of mind will work in this way or if his love has definitely gone for me and if so how could he act and say what he did everyday when he felt this way.
I hear your pain, Carlah; and oh how it hurts when you don't know what to think, what to believe and where to go from here. Know that there are no rules here, Carlah. When you're in this much pain, don't torture yourself more by playing by a set of rules of no contact that doesn't speak to your heart or soul. He's human and so are you. It sounds like he's got his own issues right now coming up for him, and he's doing what he needs to do to help himself here by getting some help to work through whatever's triggering him. Know that it doesn't have anything to do with you. This is about his own inner demons that he's working through and the reality is he probably isn't even able to think about you right now with whatever it is he's going through. Don't take any of this personally.
Only he knows what he did or didn't mean or why he said or did what he did if he wasn't there, if he wasn't feeling that way. But I wouldn't put too much stock in what he's saying right now, as it doesn't sound like even he knows what's going on. With a little time and space to figure himself out and get the help he needs for his current state of mind, he may be able to give you those answers. But for right now, shift the focus to you, to doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, to get you through your own shock of all this right now. Find the support you need with the people who love you and can help you through this, and be so gentle and loving to yourself. You don't have to know all the answers to get through this; you just need to take care of you. The rest will come in time. And if he's the one for you, if the two of you are meant to be together, you'll know, because he'll be there, he'll get the help he needs to sort through this and he'll be on the same page as you and wanting the same thing you do and be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. But for now, take yourself out of this, this is about him and not you. This is your time to take care of you.
Hi Jane
Thanks for replying I'm really still not coping and trying so hard to look ahead but it all overwhelms me to try and start again and I breakdown with the thought.
I have been thinking back to our last weeks and there are grey areas of things that's make me think this was much more premeditated that I first thought.
The last time I was at his flat it wa unusually tidy and sparse of things and his excuse was he had taken alot of stuff away to wash but I have intuition that kicks in and I Gould have listened to it.
Another time a few weeks ago he told me he was working somewhere and then someone saw him not in work clothes in a completely different place and when I asked he said he had been sent there to work.
I now don't know what's been a lie and what not.
If his story of having dark thoughts is all made up too!??!??
My minds going absolutely crazy wanting to know what was real and not but my friends and family say not to contact.
Please give me an outside view on this ASAP - I'm really not coping.
It doesn't matter, Carlah. Whatever his reasons, whatever was true and what wasn't, you couldn't have known, you couldn't have prevented this. Whenever you feel like this, it's not just because of what he's done, it's what you do to yourself in the aftermath.
It's this being so hard on yourself, trying to go back in time and rewrite the future, trying to change what's happened as if you could have. But you couldn't. You did the best you could with what you knew then. This isn't about you, it's about him. Whatever you think you could have done different, this is the time to be so loving and kind and gentle on yourself.
Feel those feelings, let those tears fall, let it all out. There's healing in those beautiful tears of yours. It's not you, you didn't do anything wrong. It's time to forgive yourself and just be with yourself as you go though this. Don't look back. Do what you need to do to regain your sense of peace and calm; you always, always do the best with what you know!
I'm just not seeing past this at all and last night was really bad. I'm constantly crying and thought eventually I wouldn't have anymore left to cry but its continual - I'm so so low.
I need advice - I really feel I need to call him - please tell me if I definitely should not or if I should what I should approach the call by saying?
Think about what you want to say and why, Carlah. What will it change, what will it do? Writing it all out on paper - everything you want to say to him and why, everything you're feeling, everything that comes up for you, can be so therapeutic, and help you clarify what you really want to do. Then whether you decide to call him or not, do what you need to do for you. It's not going to change the reality of what is, of where he's at. That has to come from him, not you. You're doing it for you, so say or do or approach it the way that feels right to you. Be yourself. This isn't a game, there are no rules. It's just you being honest with yourself and with him, and him being who he is, whatever that means to him. You're going to get through this, Carlah, by listening to yourself, by finding out what you need and doing that. You're what matters here, more than him, more than anyone else.
Hi Jane, please could I have some advice/views etc
About 7-8 years ago a guy at work always tried to get my attention as he liked me, but I wasn't interested..
he tried again some years after, but I still wasn't interested..
then towards the end of last year (2013) he came up to me again..only this time something in me changed and I liked him..he asked me to come out after work and I agreed to..but I found out that he had ended up getting married and had 2 children (he is not happy though).. he told me that it was me who he wanted all those years ago but I would never look at him and he thought the more he kept on at me he could end up in trouble for bothering me, so he finally decided to leave me alone..but he just couldn't get me out of his head and decided to try again to tell me all this.
I now feel sad, as, I like him now but, cannot be with him.
That night we just walked and talked. He even brought up the subject of divorce to which I was very surprised and told him to slow down because that isn't something you just bring up light heartedly -
I will say that we did meet up a few more times after that, just to get it all out, and he says it should have been me and that he has made a huge mistake in his life by marrying. But,
I now haven't seen him for a while now ( his job requires him to be at different locations with the job - so I know I won't always see him around) but this has left me feeling very sad + low as I can't be with him and I am left thinking what did he want from me..was it just an affair? Why did he come into my life now, when he has a wife and 2 young children to take care of. And the last 2 times I did see him at work he couldn't talk to me.
He shouldn't have come into my life then. Because I am now having to try to forget about him, but I do anything but that.
It's so much easier for someone to say all the right things when they're safely attached to someone else, Katriona. So take all this as it is; someone who isn't available to you saying things that you really have no idea what they mean or what his motives may be. Shift the focus to you. You only want someone in your life who's physically available to be with you, who's on your same page, who's looking for the same thing that you are. Whatever this is, it can't go any further than this. And while he's left you with a lot of hollow words that don't have any actions backing them up - and can't have that while he's married to someone else - he's the one who goes home to his wife and family while you're left trying to forget about him. You deserve more than this, Katriona. Remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have to offer someone who's truly available - physically and emotionally. That's the bare minimum of what you do deserve, and nothing less than this!
Hi Emily,
Yes, it's clear now he was not sincere. Unfortunately at the time I didn't see this. We wrote to each other for a few months before we actually met up and got together, so it didn't feel like he was going too fast. But of course, I probably wouldn't have felt he was going too fast because it felt that his pace matched mine exactly. The things he said, I felt too. I suppose I had no defences up in his case because I felt I had known him all my life (since age 11) and so i felt completely safe with him. I think that made the shock even worse.
When we first started writing to each other, before we met up and got together, he told me he was divorced. We didn't speak about past girlfriends or boyfriends until much later, when he told me had 2 exes since his divorce. I was so naive with him! I didn't even consider that he might have been lying.
I still don't know what the truth is, and now, because of those messages last month, I can't stop agonising over whether I should try to ask him what happened, or whether I should just leave it. I still feel sick about it and can't move on at all.
I'm so sorry you also had to deal with something like this. I don't know if my ex is a narcissist but I suspect he is just a dishonest man who found someone foolish enough to trust him.
Thank you so much for your response...it was really kind of you.
Should I ask what happened?
My ex disappeared 16 months ago, after a very intense relationship of about 10 months. He lives in Paris, I live in London, so we only saw each other about two weekends a month, but spoke, texted and emailed every day, throughout the day. We'd known each other a very long before this. He was my first love, from when I was 11 to 17, then we lost touch for 30 years and only found each other again through LinkedIn. After we got together again, I felt complete, finally. It was amazing, so beautiful and joyful. For both of us. For logistical reasons, he always came to London to see me, though he asked me a couple of times to go to Paris. With hindsight, it seems these invitations were made specifically at times he knew I couldn't go, but at the time, it made me feel he wanted me to be with him. Then after about 9 months, he said he had an ex girlfriend who still had a key to his flat and so I couldn't stay there. I was devastated, as in all that time he never mentioned this issue. And I was suddenly suspicious that maybe this ex wasn't really an ex at all. So I tried to break it off, but I missed him so much it was impossible. He swore she was an ex and he'd get the key back from her. He said he loved me, he'd loved me all his life and we could get through this. I thought we could too. I loved him totally, couldn't imagine my world without him at the centre of it. So he came back to London and we made up. I made myself put aside my suspicions because I was afraid if I let them, they would ruin the best thing in my life.
Two weeks later, he suddenly disappeared. One Saturday morning I got the usual good morning text, then a few strange, cold replies to my texts and so I asked what was wrong. He said nothing was wrong, but in a curt and annoyed way. So I tried to call, I was totally bewildered. He didn't reply but about 6 hours later I got a text saying he would call on Monday. He didn't call on the Monday, and I thought I'd better give him a few days, but by Thursday when he still hasn't called, I sent a text to ask if we could talk that day. He didn't reply. I spent about 3 weeks trying to contact him, but he only replied once to say he would call me in a given day. He called while I was in the bus home from work and I asked him to call when I got home as it was impossible to hear him or speak about such things on a crowded, noisy bus. He didn't call back, ever.
I can't even describe how I felt in the weeks and months that followed. I felt as though my soul had been ripped apart. I tried to tell myself all the things I read in the above posts, but the sense of loss was so huge, it totally engulfed me. It's a miracle I didn't lose my job, or kill myself. If it weren't for my children, I would have killed myself. The only thing that kept me from suicide was the fear of damaging them.
About 4 months after he disappeared, my mother died suddenly and in my grief I thought I would forget about him. I thought this real sorrow for a real, good, true person would eradicate the pain he caused, would make me realise that only a false man without honour could have done such a cruel thing to a woman who loved him.
I was disgusted at myself that I didn't forget about him, even then. It felt disloyal to my mother to be crying for this man, but I couldn't stop missing him. It was so total, this missing him. I felt actual physical pain in my chest, in my stomach and in every cell in my body.
I tried dating other people twice, but neither of the new relationships worked out and I think that's my fault.
About a month ago, I sent a text to my son and somehow it went to me ex. I realised immediately and was utterly horrifed but thought I'd better just leave it then send follow up texts explaining. A few hours later, I got a text from him saying he wishes he could be with me. I was stunned, but ignored it...it didn't have my name in it, so I thought perhaps he'd made the same mistake I had, and sent me a text meant for someone else. The next day I got another text saying everything he had said to me when we were together was true and he thinks of me every day and divert night. Even if I think he is a liar and a bastard. I ignored that too. A few days later I get another text saying ''which I am not''
I ignored that too. But now I think I should have replied just to ask him to explain what happened. I feel I am never going to recover from the shock of what he did without knowing what happened, but I'm so afraid that he'll ignore me again that I'm afraid to ask the question.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel so lost.
hi Stella, to me there is something very very smelly about all of this.
Leaving you like that is just the cruelest thing to do, inviting you over at times where it was actually impossible for you to make it there... and now by 'coincidence' he would want you back and tells you he is still missing you every day and night? Sounds like drama and more drama, and poor you feeling so lost.. I can imagine so well...
I was in a relationship for 6 months with someone I now believe was a narcissist / psychopath, I have read alot about them and the red flags and this sets my alarmbells ringing... maybe you could find some info yourself and see if you recognize any of the behaviour? Just to make sure? It may sound a bit crazy but just to make sure.
In any case it seems he doesn't really care about you or any of your feelings, and seems to be hiding things from you. Also that he is telling you he has never stopped loving you for all his life... I have read many stories where people from the past come popping up just like that and tell you that they have loved you ever since you left. It sounds like very much drama to me. How fast did the two of you get together if I may ask? How did he behave in the first stage of your relationship? Did he go about things really fast, telling you big words and asking for commitment really fast? Has he ever told you about any of his exes? Was he jealous at you at some point?
Hi Emily - I'm curious about this statement: "How fast did the two of you get together if I may ask? How did he behave in the first stage of your relationship? Did he go about things really fast, telling you big words and asking for commitment really fast? ".
What is your thinking on how fast things started and how he behaved in the first stage of the relationship?
well I have been in a relationship with someone like that and read a lot about it.
Usually when someone meets with you and tells you big words without even knowing you for real, things are not quite right... I have read many stories like this and mine was one too. It could be - doesn't have to be - a huge red flag for someone who doesn't have the right intentions and just wants to get you committed so he can control you. My ex wanted a relationship with me after 1 date, and was kind of love bombing me telling me I was the one very fast. Turned out to be a controlling monster...
Thanks Emily. The reason I asked is because the guy I was dating started off very quickly too. After the first night he "wanted to see where this could go", said it wasn't infatuation, etc. 6-7 months later he was gone. He wasn't controlling but I keep remembering how I thought it was way too fast. Of course, even though I thought I "saw a red flag", I was swept up. To be chased like that and see the emotion in his face and hear it in his voice was so nice.
Anyway, trying to heal and let him go - so much easier said than done.
I continue to struggle with running in my mind with where I contributed to his disappearance and if I had just not been so naggy and been better at communicating what I was feeling instead of always bringing it up or sitting on my feelings and him sending something was wrong but not understanding. I think he got to the point where he felt he couldn't make me happy and was always disappointing me.
I can pin it down to back in October where I brought up again feeling insecure and from there it just seemed to progress. A different version of the same issue kept coming up. Eventually I think he just gave up.
I know intellectually I just have to accept this and move on. But I strongly believe had I handled things differently, this wouldn't have happened. How do I let that go?
He disappeared twice. I think I understand why and I forgive him even though my heart aches. Do you think it's ok to contact him and say I understand and wish him well or is it better to say nothing? I've already told him that I love him etc. and that I won't bother him again because if he wanted to speak to me he would. I worry about him being feeling bad and guilty. Friends say he may need that to help him grow up and that he didn't give me the respect of caring for my feelings, but if he couldn't, it's because he simply couldn't for whatever reason. What are your thoughts? I don't want to appear weak and I think I already have for accepting him back and for telling him I love him after disappearing the second time.
Renee, this is only my opinion you already told him that you loved him and he knows that believe me...you have already stated that you would not bother him...if he wants to contact you he will, if not then it is his lose!!! We as women have to stop giving men our power!! Stay strong!!!
Thanks for stepping in with your perspective, BRD; the more we hear it, the more it becomes real.
Thank you 🙂
Don't worry about him, Renee; I don't think he's going to be feeling bad and guilty here. Shift those beautiful caring, loving, giving, understanding qualities to someone who truly deserves to be treated like you're thinking of him - you. This is your life to be lived, not to spent waiting for anyone to come around and see what only one of you is seeing. We can be oh so understanding of so many behaviors that are hurting us in the name of what we want to believe is love. We so want to believe we can make all the difference, that we bring out that potential in him, that we can make it all better by making it so easy for him. You can't. None of us can. You can only change yourself. You can't make anyone love you, no matter what or who you are. He knows how to contact you, and he knows beyond any doubt that it's his move. It has to come from him.
You're right. Thank you. It hurt the first time and the second time is weird...It hurts less sometimes, more other times, but it's taking longer to get over. I'm getting there though. I wanted to ask...I have the strongest feeling he will be back. My friends say to ignore him when he contacts me. What do you think I should do? I have no doubt he is more than capable of disappearing again. My thinking is that I will be polite, but distant until he proves he's going nowhere.
Renee, I'm very sorry you are going through this. I am going through a similar experience with a man. I think he is a Player. If he contact me I will ignore. I suggest you ignore yours.
I was dating a guy or so I thought for 2 months when he suddenly disappeared. Never did return my calls. I was left wondering what happened. He seemed so sweet and appeared to want to be part of my life. I don't understand what happened.
Sometimes we never find out the "why" that we so want to know, April. The important thing to remember is that he obviously wasn't there on the same page as you, and the reasons has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. That's what you do know for sure. It's never personal, it's never the rejection that we make it about, it's the reality of two people being on two different pages and him not being able to come right out and tell you what was going on. When we accept these realities instead of trying to understand - and refuse to get caught up in the cycle of blaming ourselves for what we did or didn't do, we release ourselves to move forward even though we don't understand why. If someone is right for you, you will always know because they'll be on the same page as you, they'll want the same level of commitment as you, and they'll be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You deserve nothing less than that!
"How to Avoid Falling in love with a Jerk" a book that will tell you how the courting process is really supposed to work, there is a process, stages. Last stage is making love, to a person you have come to know very well, whom you trust and love and therefore know he will not abandon you when you make love. One step is impossible without the next. Always keep your trust level just below how well you know him to stay emotionally safe. So, until you feel you fully know him, and he has demonstrated he can be trusted, he has no business in your panties or your heart!!! lol
I love how you put this, CBG; no matter how many times we hear this, we can always use yet another reminder that this type of physical intimacy is that very last stage. It's how we protect our beautiful hearts and souls, no matter how much we think we can do this just like they do. Thank you for making these steps so clear!
Emotional safety is a myth.... Sorry. Not that you should rush tobed, but nothing is guaranteed ever.
I, too, I think just got friend zones by my 4-month long boyfriend. We both came out of long term relationships which ended because of our cheating partners. At the start it was all "fireworks", until his leg injury, his ex, his school had taken their toll on him, and eventually on us. What I hate is that he too just disappeared on me and I am severely aching over this. I did not want to initiate contact because for the last couple of months, I started to have the feeling that if it weren't for my efforts to keep the fire going, he would have done exactly what he is doing now. He keeps breaking promises too. It's been a week that he had just stopped talking to me. We are on a long distance relationship by the way. This has revealed a nature of his that has totally burned me. I'm very hurt. I wanna move on but there's a part of me that is fixated. I probably should stay away from love for the rest of the year.
I am in the process of reading a book by the name "Men Who Can't Love" It explains how to recognize a
commitment-phobic man. I find this so enlightening and yet so disturbing. For a man to just disappear, when all seem to be going well, that is a Red Flag signal. When someone truly values you and respects you, they don't just up and leave without even a word. These are men that live in fear of being cornered, or losing their freedom.
A relationship is a two way street, and no matter how much we as women love and want these men in our lives, we need to step back and analyze their behaviour. When we value and love the person we are with, we do not do anything to degrade or disrespect them, and so when you are not getting that from him, it means
he places no true value on the relationship. I recommend reading this book, you can google it and read some
reviews, I am sure it will be eye opening and you will see that it's not about you, but about them.
Love this book, Marie! Thanks for mentioning it here. It was one of the first ones I came across so many years ago when I was searching for my own answers on what had happened to me and the relationship I wrote about in the post "I can't make you love me".
If you click on the resources pages on the site, it's by the same authors who wrote "What Smart Women Know" - another great book I highly recommend.
"I started to have the feeling that if it weren't for my efforts to keep the fire going, he would have done exactly what he is doing now." - So you did know, Theresa, you can trust yourself, your gut instincts. We almost always sense this when it's true, but we don't want to lose someone so we keep on doing what we're doing, hoping things will change - that he will change - if we only hang on a little longer.
Know that this isn't about you; it's about him. It's where he was at and where he wasn't able to get to. Things will happen, circumstances will always come up, but leg injuries, exes, school don't end relationships; people do. Of course it hurts; you didn't want to be right on this one. Know that you deserve better, that in the long run, you're always better off to find out the reality that's there instead of living a dream that's only yours. If he comes around, if he gets there, you'll be the first to know, Theresa. You still have so much to offer, nothing's changed with you! Live your life, focus on you, get involved in the activities, groups, hobbies, passions that bring life and love to you. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and bring you joy. Create that beautiful life of yours that's just waiting to be lived - by you.
It's in the living, it's in the discovering of all that's been waiting for you - outside of any him - that you discover all that you are, all that you deserve, and all that you're capable of when you put all that time and energy that went into him, into you!
what does it mean when a guy says he needs time? when a guy doesn't spend enough time with you. takes out his frustrations on you. should you stay and keep patience. or walk away? he never accepts that we are dating. always say we are good friends even nor invites me with his friends. is it ok not to share fb password or is it required in a relation? moreover...wat to do wen he does not accept you as a gf publicly? i even invited him to my home on an occasion but he said he dint feel comfortable nd dint come. is this a red flag that he is not into me? he has never bought me any gifts not even on my bday. is this ok.. or its a red flag???
Sonal, I am sure you know the answer to those questions, but I understand that when we are so
deeply into someone we tend to see things so differently than the reality of what it truly is. Your self-worth and self-respect, should never be compromised because you want to be loved and valued by someone who does
not see your value. You did not say how long you have been in this situation, or any other details for me to
understand your situation more clearly, however, it really does not change the fact that if someone does not spend time with you, won't introduce you to friends, does not accept your invitations, don't feel comfortable,around you and your friends, and won't publicly acknowledge you as his GF then not only is it a Red flag, but it is plain and down right demeaning. You are worth so much more than this. It's hard not to feel hurt and rejected by this all, but know that you have the strength to not allow this disrespectful treatment, and to walk away with your dignity, Trust me, it is a process, start by distancing yourself, living your life, don't ask him for any affirmation, and do not expect any empathy from him, seek out your friends and family members for that. The more independent and resilient you become the less you will accept this kind of behaviour from him. The emotional bond you feel for him will lessen, and you will look back and ask yourself..what did I see in him? Don't allow him to dictate your happiness, only you have control over that!
I am letting you know of my situation from the other side. My boyfriend of almost four years was the best guy anyone can ask for. He treated me the best way anyone can and I was always preoccupied with other things. Recently we stopped talking for 2 months and I realized that I need him in my life and want to be with him again. I love him still. Last week I tried to reach out but he cut all forms of communication from me. What should I do? I need him in my life or have some type of closure. I talked to his friends to send him my thoughts but they simply said that he does not want to talk. Please help.
A guy I was dating 4 months long distance broke up with me about 3.5 weeks ago, and it still really hurts. I got blindsided when he had planned on coming for Xmas and never bought the ticket. I had just gotten home from a 2 week overseas vacation where we had Skped 3 times, and he simply said he could not get to know me by long distance and have enough details to fall in love. All this despite him having started saying love you at the end of a few calls (I only ever responded) before I left.
What makes me feel sad is that I did try to create a way for us to get to know each other. I explained I knew we had not seen each other for 6 weeks (known circumstances of travel and school) and needed to reconnect, that I thought we were both falling (but not there yet), and that I had envisioned him as my potential husband (not for sure, but could see it). I offered more visits and longer. He said no. Now I feel humiliated that he thought I was begging. He sent me a goodbye letter after the call saying that I was remarkable, and he appreciated my commitment to trying to get it to work, but that he Feared it still would not be enough. Then said goodbye.
Did he ever care? Did he mean the love yous? Is long distance just too hard? I feel like I scared him away.... I feel horrible that he might think I was begging instead of trying to work it out....
Help...
Oops, clarification. We had met 3 times, and were talking 6-12 hours per week by phone, which he primarily initiated....
You didn't do anything wrong, Heartbroken; it's time to stop being so hard on yourself and blaming yourself for what was clearly his own decision. It always takes two people who both want the same thing and are on the same page to make a relationship work. You're taking all the responsibility here, when there were two of you communicating here. Four months is not a very long time to know someone in person, let alone via long distance, so remember that you really didn't even have enough time to find out if he really was all that you have made him out to be in your own mind.
You can't scare anyone way unless they want to go away. If offering him more visits and for longer times wasn't what he was looking for, it doesn't matter what he thinks - it means the two of you weren't on the same page and weren't truly compatible in one of the most important ways that matters. Feel your feelings here, but try to see this with your head, with the logical side, as much as you're seeing this with your hear, heartbroken. You never have to convince someone who's truly right for you to be with you. That's not how real love is. Focus on you, focus on your own life and doing all the things that make you happy, that bring you joy, and go spend time with people in your life who love and support you and want to be with you. Take your time getting to know someone before you decide if they're the one for you, and always remember that you're the one doing the choosing, not the other way around. That's what you deserve, and nothing less!
Jane,
Thank you for responding. I had let him lead the relationship and things were great before I left. I rarely initiated calls etc, but we super warm, playful, and supportive. He was calling tons, sending me letters about what a great influence I was to him. Then, all of a sudden, when I got back, he had seemed to be completely spooked. I was totally blindsided. I had thought we had equal levels of interest. I know I never pushed him, and I need to be kinder to myself about how the last day went down. I was off a 30 hour flight, I had been expecting he was coming to visit and really excited about it, and I arrived to.... "I want more". I cared for him and was looking forward to spending more time with him, but alas, that is not to happen. I knew we needed to learn more about each other beyond the calls, that is why I suggested a long visit at Xmas.I have not responded to his letter, not have I contacted him in any way. There was nothing left to say.....
And know that this had nothing to do with you, Heartbroken; we think it's a rejection and we take it so personally, but it's not. As hard as it can be to see this when you're in it, it's your chance to be with someone who truly wants to be with you, someone who's on the same page as you and is willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen - exactly what you deserve and nothing less than this!
Omg, I looked at his online dating profile. He is still looking, but he only changed a few things, being that he is now open to long distance. Wtf? Seriously, my worst fear is that he broke up with me because of me, not because of distance like he said. Back to square one. I can't stop dry heaving. Help.
Heartbroken -
I felt the same as you. This guy found me as we were friends years ago. We talked since October. And finally met in person in December as he came out here. We are 1400 miles apart.
While we were chatting, via text, video phone.....he says we will do a lot of traveling, and he felt in his bones that we are the match. We were happy to find each other.
When he came out here, we kissed and smiled and had good time for six days. Then he says we will get together for NYE as he left. I was looking forward to fly out to see him. Then couple of days later, he making excuses, and kept making more excuses when I asked him of when to see each other again. I have no explanation of why he feels this way....he did say he loves me. I kept thinking over and over of what I did wrong.
I feel that he is not ready for a commitment ......or I'm not it. Yet, why can't he say so? Instead of leaving me hanging. It's been three days, we haven't been in touch. I'm truly sad and felt I was to blamed.
As far as I'm reading these messages and responses. I'm beginning to understand how men do in relationship and he is not the one. Thank you Jane for the great help.
I'm divorced of 6 years. I was dating for four years and decided to let go as I felt we weren't going anywhere. This was a long distance relationship too. Then this guy came along...and I get this result. So, my feelings are confuse as well.
Barb,
While I do not even want to listen to my own words on this because I am pretty invested in the " I did something wrong" and "i am bad story", long distance is a doosy. And it is very difficult to get to know someone that way. My guy broke my heart, but there are several realities:
a. We knew each other in one way very well, and in most other main ones (in person), we simply did not. Same for you. You did not interact in the world as a couple. That is what real relationships are made of. We did not either.
B. Men are analytical and logical - when the payoff or the work is too much for them, they bail - they turn off their emotion. This is not personal, but most women think it is because we will make the logistics work, but they simply won't. I. Addition, if they are not secure in work or have other stressors, you may be what is ditched. That is what happened for me.
C. One visit and saying "I love you" is a red flag. In my case, it was very gradual to get there, and it was still not, "I love you", it was "love you" at the end of calls - falling, not actual love yet. Needed a real visit to solidify that.
D. Some people - mostly men, need someone they can touch and feel as a love language, they cannot bond without it. They want someone next to them regularly. This is natural to want proximity. Even if it hurts.
E. A man can like you very much, and not want to do long distance because it is too hard. Difficult to secure a bond, difficult to secure a schedule that is consistent, and difficult to create a life. Simple, but true.
Focus on someone local. I really believe long distance requires people who already knew each other or someone who can travel a lot and easily move....
Jane, all I want to say is thank you. I find your replies to others helpful and will keep it within reach.
Thank you for your kind words, Valencia. I'm so glad you've found these helpful!
I am going through the same experience. I and my boyfriend were dating 8 months the first time. Things are working out and we both are taking it slow to make sure and build a solid foundation. Then one day out of the blue, I received an email saying he can't continue dating with me for some reason. I did understand and I moved on with my life but then a month later he came back and telling me that he discovered and realized he likes me a lot and he has feelings for me and he misses me. Due for the reason that I still have a deep feeling for him so I accepted him back. We dated again for 6 months and everything is going fine, i am falling for him but never told the L-word and him either and he was more sweeter and more open and suddenly he just disappeared. The week before that, he was calling me more often and I thought he was beginning to fall in love because he isn't normally doing it for me and also he is opening up more. We have so much laughs and smiles whenever we are talking. The only thing I remember that he mentioned the last time we spoke is that " I am a rich woman and I can do a lot of things and he doesn't have much and can't give a lot to me" i told him i do not care about what he has and doesn't. I took this as his insecurity but realized this after he's disappeared. Last text i got is he was telling me that his day was so busy and thank me for thinking about him. Then, no more calls no more text no more seeing. I contacted him twice and never get any response. So I just stopped, thinking that being silent will give him the time and space he needs. How i wish i am as strong as you Michelle. It's been 3.5 weeks and i am still hoping I can hear from him. I am still in grief and hurt. I couldn't understand how he could leave without a word. Any thoughts please are very much welcome.
Don't try to understand it, Star; this only makes it harder on you and keeps you reliving each and every experience, each and ever word and action between the two of you over and over again. You're not him, so you can't possibly know for sure, and there's so many different possibilities that would only drain you in the process. The most loving thing you can do for yourself is simply to accept that for reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, he has chosen this path for himself. He may not even know why himself. Know that you've done all you can; you've tried everything, you've given him space to let him come to you, you've let him know how you feel. The rest is his to own, and not yours.
You are that strong, Star, you just don't realize it yet, when you're in this place of feeling so lost waiting for something from him. Give it to yourself. Give yourself the love, the tenderness, the compassion for being honest, for being real, for being who you truly are. Slowly, you will know more in time, and you will become stronger with every day that passes that you find that it happens by simply putting one foot in front of the other and taking that next step.
We don't see it when we're in it like you are, but eventually, you'll come to see that no matter how much it hurts, and how painful these reality checks really are, what you've been given is the freedom to move on from here to be with someone else who is right for you, who truly is on your same page, who wants what you want, who you don't have to convince of your own worth and value in their lives. With someone who is all this and more, they come to this on their own, without you doing anything to make it happen.
For now, just hold that thought in the back of your mind, and know that one day soon, you will come to see this, too. In the meantime, comfort yourself by knowing that if two people are meant to be together, they always will be if they want to be, and it doesn't matter where you are or what's gone on, you will be the first to know this too because someone who wants to be with you always makes sure you know this. Someone who's truly right for you!
I'm in a similar situation, too, have been for about three weeks now. I really needed to hear this, as it feels like it was all my fault even though I know it's not, but rather that they chose their path and there's nothing left for me to do but take care of myself. Thank you!
Exactly, Amy! 🙂
Thanks again Jane!
I took your advice on board and was all ready to move forward.
Yesterday she contacted me! 🙁
She sounded completely different, depressed and lost!
She said she would come see me last night ... As expected she never made it!
Said she was going to aftercare meeting!
Haven't heard from her since and am so angry I don't even care!
We had a conversation yesterday and I asked her to explain why she disappeared, she said she had been busy trying to keep clean? I know this is a lie, I can tell by her downer!
I told her it was mean and if she doesn't love me or want to be with me just say!
She replied with, I don't even know what I want'
I just gave up! Like you said I can only change me!
This whole thing is draining and I'm exhausted!
You sound so much stronger, Abz; I'm so glad you were able to see the reality of what was instead of what you wanted it to be. It's one thing to care, to be a support, to try to help, but it's another to fall for someone who isn't there, who isn't ready to be in any kind of a relationship yet until she chooses to get some real help for herself. You can only do so much - the rest has to come from her.
Hi I read this and cried! My girl and I have been together every day and texting and calling all night!
A couple of months after I found out I was in love with her I find out she is a meth addict. I stay, I help her she goes to rehab she is there only two weeks and is kicked out for acting up.
Two weeks ago she was kicked out, we spent the night together and loved each other, then she went home to her other life. She text me 12 days ago, I didn't know it would be her last text to me... It was "ill text you later" I replied "ok" and that was the last communication I have had with her, I have tried calling and texting and she doesn't reply or answer, I miss her so much and I don't know if we are still together or not!
I don't know how to move forward when I am constantly waiting for her to come back!
We had plans we were connected and I loved her completely I can't walk away!
I asked her for closure, I said if u don't love me just say it's all I need to walk away, she won't give me that!
Please help, she is the last thought at night the first thought in the morning and my continuous thought throughout the day! It doesn't help that I am not working at the moment as I have a broken leg!
Can anyone tell me why she left? Does she love me still? What did I do wrong?
You didn't do anything wrong, Abz; when you're involved with someone who has a drug dependency like you've described, the reality is that you really don't have any control over what she does or doesn't do. You tried to help, you were there for her, you supported her and did everything you could. The rest had to come from her. If she wasn't help to get the help she needed at rehab, it's not because of anything you did or didn't do. She has to want help to get help and to change her own life. You can't do that for her, nor can anyone else if she's not willing.
If you're not getting anything from her, and you've texted her and called her and she doesn't reply in any way, you've really done all you can. If you're concerned about her well-being, you could always contact a mutual friend or family member if you know of anyone, or you could check on her at her home, if you know where that is. But other than that, know that you've done all you can here, as much as you care about her, she needs to get help for herself before you can begin to think about a relationship with her.
Don't take this personally, Abz; she's obviously not capable of giving you anything right now; she can't even give herself anything. This isn't about you; this is her stuff and her issues and the best thing you can do is recognize that you didn't do anything wrong, and move on with your own life. If, in the future, she gets the helps she needs and is open to pursuing a relationship with you, then you can see where you're both at down the road. But right now, recognize and accept that you've done all you can and it's time for you to focus again on you. She left because of her own issues, Abz, and whether or not she still loves you isn't as important as whether or not she's in a position to be in a relationship without first getting the help she needs for herself. This will get easier over time, if you can go easy on yourself, know that you did all that you can - you really did - and know that sometimes we have to choose to accept the reality of what is rather than what we'd like it to be because the only person you can really change is yourself.
Hi Jane,
Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to reply to me!
I hope you realise the life's and heartaches that you are saving just from being someone who is willing to listen!
I do know her well being is .. Ok. Her sister said she called her up and was being vindictive and horrible to her, when her sister mentioned the state I was in she made no comment.
I agree and understand what you are saying and I have been told by people that addicts are manipulative... Guess I see her as a person who I fell in love with not simply an "addict"
I hate the thought of giving up and walking away, but she hasn't given me any choice. I have communicated that via text also. I just can't stop thinking over and over about her and how much I miss her and I blame myself because I must of done somthing to make her leave. The last time we saw each other we were normal happy laughing and sharing our love... She said she loved me when she left, and now it's just like she has died!
I just don't know how I will get past this, and yea I know she has to love herself before she can love anyone else but, I was also the only person in her life that had shown her true love without abuse and she has thanked
Me for this many times... I guess she didn't like it in the end!
I wish I could turn back time and never fall on love with her... I just don't understand how she could just leave without any words it hurts so much!
Any thoughts or ideas from anyone are welcome!
Thanks again!
Don't expect to understand how what she did or didn't do, Abz; you can't because you're not her and you don't think like her. It's not about her not liking all that you did for her or all that you were to her - this isn't about you, this is about her and she can't even begin to think about giving to anyone else until she can think enough about herself to get the help she needs.
This post I wrote about being a rescuer may help you, Abz. But know that as much as you can't change the past - and how you fell for her - you can change the present by accepting this experience as another learning experience where you learn know more about what you're looking for and what you're not, and what your own blind spots and triggers are so that in the future you attract someone who is giving to you as much as you are giving to them!
I can totally relate here. I had been seeing the "man of my dreams" for a very short time. He ended our relationship via text message. I tried several times to get him to actually talk to me either on the phone or in person. I feel very confused, not to mention a gamut of other emotions. I know I should let sleeping dogs lay but my gut keeps telling me that I need to look him in the eye and talk it through. I don't want to lay down and give up so easily, but maybe that is the thing I should do. I have been reading Jane's posts and they have been really helpful.
I'm glad I've been able to help some, Janet. Know that there's never anything wrong with trying to talk to him, if that's what your gut keeps telling you, but it sounds like you've discovered already what most of us have learned that these types of men are really hard to pin down to have that type of conversation. They know you deserve more, they know they've taken the easy way out for them, so the last thing they want to set themselves up for is any additional confrontation. They hate it. If you can have some compassion for them - I said some, don't feel too sorry for them because they can work on changing this if they really want to - that will help give you some of your power back, because can you really imagine living like they do? They're the ones who have to live with themselves and it's a pretty lonely way to live.
You on the other hand, are free, Janet. Yes, it's a process of letting go and moving on, and it's not easy when you don't get the chance to be heard. But know that this wasn't the man of your dreams; there is a real one out there for you who you'll never have to worry about disappearing like this. It's about accepting what is, not what you'd hoped it would be.
Don't think of it as giving up; see it as refusing to put yourself through anymore wasted time and energy on this man. He isn't worth it. But you are! And one day soon, you will look back on this and see it for what it was, and realize there was nothing more you needed to say to him - he knows what you want to say and that's why he's not responding. Say it to him in writing without sending it, or do whatever else you need to do to get closure for yourself, because it's you that deserve to be loved the real, authentic way, and believe me, it doesn't look or feel anything like this!
Unfortunately the vanishing act is all too common in the dating world. Not just with men but women do it too. This seems to happen for various reasons. I think having difficult conversations and believing that the other person may react/behave in a way that they can't deal with or be bothered to handle is behind alot of disappearance acts. Other times they just don't care enough to end it with some kind of conversation. The easy way out is often the choice. Not that it's a good one but it just happens. In-completions are to be expected in dating.
I hear you, Jackie. It goes back to being comfortable with assertive conversations - check out the book Non-Violent Communication - but most of us aren't taught how to do this and don't have any role-models to show us what this looks like in action.
Hang in there Michelle, I can honestly say I know what you're going through. My boyfriend disappeared after 7 years! To make a long story short we had a long distance relationship, he lives in England, I live in Florida. We each had our own important reasons for not moving and our relationship worked fine the way it was, for the time being. I was actually the one who had commitment issues, he wanted to get married. He was my rock, standing by me through several life changing events. Then one day it all changed. He started managing a fish and chips restaurant and it took over his life, he was working constantly and our conversations became less and less frequent. He kept pushing back the date when he was going to come visit and when I tried to talk to him about our relationship he was vague with his answers. When I noticed I was the one doing all the calling I decided to wait and let him call me. Well let me just say I waited a loooong time. As the months went by I realized there was no relationship anymore, I had been 'houdinied' (a term I heard- when your boyfriend just vanishes). How ironic, when I was long over my commitment issues, I had no man to commit to. He had even given me a commitment ring because we live so far apart and I had given him one.
Like you, I'm having a hard time with closure too. I can't have a face to face talk with him about anything. I don't know why he would throw all those years away with hardly a care. I don't know why he couldn't just be a man and tell me like it is. It's been rough. I'm older than you Michelle and getting back out there at my age has not been easy. But I've done it. And I've done what Jane suggests, writing him an email that I didn't send and I have reminded myself that what he did is all about HIM and not me. It does get a little easier with time, you have to let yourself grieve for your loss. And it's not just the loss of your boyfriend but also of the future you thought the two of you would have together. I think for closure it's important to accept what happened and if you can learn from it that will help you with your next relationship. I have finally accepted it and I know I have definitely learned a lot. One thing that helps too, is realizing you're not alone, there are a lot of other broken hearted people in the same boat. Stay strong, treat yourself to a favorite indulgence and look in the mirror and tell yourself what an awesome woman you are, who deserves to be treated with honesty, respect and consideration.
Thanks Patty and Jane:)
It does help to know that there are other women who've gone through this and emerged as even stronger and more confident versions of themselves. I'm focusing right now on believing in a happy future, letting go of the hurtful past and taking care of myself and my son. One day at a time. Still hurts.
Patty - I'm in FL too. Seems this is a breeding ground for this stuff!
One day at a time, Shelly; that's how we all finally get through to the other side. 🙂
I think men who are emotionally unavailable gravitate towards long distance relationships, since they can always have an excuse to disappear- go back home.
I find they are usually neurotic, so if you say things they take them as slights etc.
Watch out for these guys. I no longer as a rule do long distance, after one long distance relationship of 3 mnths that I tried years ago.
If a man is truly ready to be with someone, I don't think he will even agree to start things if he cannot see you regularly. I was at a different place those many years ago and was nowhere near ready to find love. That is why I agreed to long distance, thought I could keep it fun. Of course I got attached meanwhile to him it was just a rebound. Lesson learned.
Since then, to test my theory when a man contacts me who lives far away, I will converse with him and have found all of them are sending red flags in the first email right away if you know what to look for. There is a distancing from intimacy that they need created by their fear of commitment.
Thanks for sharing your own insight here, CBG; I have observed a very similar pattern after seeing this scenario repeated over and over again.
I appreciate this comment CBG. I am coming out of a relationship where he "just disappeared". With the time I have had to reflect, I now am able to see the red flags.
We met on an out of town job we were doing together in the middle of June (as you'll soon see, the timing here is important to note). We hooked up the first night. The 2nd night, he was saying that he wanted to see where this could go. The SECOND night!
At some point soon after this (maybe that week), he also told me that he had noticed me and wanted to make a move on me about a month previous to this. That would be May. I later learned that, he moved out of the house he shared with his wife and 2 kids in the beginning of May. Talk about some red flags right?
At first I was hesitant as his pursuit was so quick and intense. But it was intoxicating too. He seemed so sincere, tried so hard, texted me all the time. He was ready to say he loved me about a month in. The gestures were grand. He travels for work and can literally be on the road weeks at a time.
Between him being gone for work, weekends with his kids, him having to leave during our time together when his wife would call and ask him to take the kids last minute (this happened a lot of the time), it just started to spiral down. Needless to say, 2 weeks ago, I sent him a text and never got a reply and finally realized I'm not going to get one.
Intellectually I know it's not me, but have to fight the urge to look back and "figure out" what I did wrong; if I drove him away, etc. I try not to spend a lot of time there though. I also try to see the reality - the times my stomach was in knots because I didn't know if he'd show up when he said he would, if he'd have to leave sooner than expected because of work or because his wife had a last minute need.
I also have to believe the universe has something so much better in store for me, I just don't know what it is right now.
Anyway, I'm glad I found this article and glean a lot from the comments. Thank you all.
i know this is an older comment, but am going through this now, though it was even a shorter situation (and yes, someone who sort of travels for a living). and though divorced, helps with his child 3 days a week when possible! so i really need to look at whether he truly could be available; unsure--maybe if it was the right person? (and that's where it stings; i really never got a good reply about what the issue was. a "transfer" two hours away was not good enough. we were already one hour away when the calls/texts started to peter out.
so i would chalk alot of it up to being truly available vs. not (in this case; and also he's been divorced 1 1/2 years)... but then, i went and saw his "live" profile on a dating/pickup site within the same week that he started not responding. so i *do* take it personally, but trying not to. this is REALLY hard. thanks for your comment though; gave me some insight with a "traveling man"! not totally unlike the "long disance man"!;)
Good for you, Travis! I have always said that, although the battle of the sexes will forever rage, we all bleed red. And, yes, men hurt too. Jane is one of the most insightful women I have ever encountered and reading her blog is a plus in my life. It's refreshing, albeit not surprising, to see a man glean guidance from her as well. Kudos!
So true, Brenda; and thank you for your kind words! 🙂
I had this same experience a few years ago with a girl. For me the worst part wasn't the actual break up because it was done in person, though quite coldly. It was all the time after that when I was just completely cut off from her that the fact that I was never going to hear from or see her again sunk in. I spent two years sulking before I realised that I needed appropriate closure and put all my feelings into an email similar to what this article suggested. I felt so much better afterwards, like everything was finally done and dusted. So for anyone who's going through this you can make it through as long as you manage to get all your feelings out in the world. That's my advice.
(PS. First time commenter here. I realize this site seems to be aimed at women but I've found it to be very accurate and useful for myself as a straight man who isn't afraid of his feminine side. Guys go through all this stuff too, just from a different perspective.)
Welcome, Travis! I created this site for anyone who needs a safe place to feel understood and loved on this journey, regardless of who you are, where you've been, or what you've been through - and regardless of gender, we all share the same desire to be loved for our true selves. Thanks for sharing your story from a male perspective. I'm so glad you were able to finally find a way to get your own closure. 🙂
Dear Jane
I have had a similar experience several years ago with a man. Some times they never get over the pain that the previous wife caused them.
At the time I was going through a similar experience I was given a book called Men who Can't Love by
Sorry sent email by accident. The book is called Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.
Unfortunately men like this cause a lot of emotional pain in woman. There usually is no closure just a disappearing act .So the best thing is to let them go as quickly as possible and start dating again. These men will continuing doing this as its usually a fear of commitment or intimacy,Hope this helps.i
Thanks for your words of encouragement, Gabriella, and for the wonderful book recommendation. That was the same book that I also found most helpful back when I found myself looking for answers in the days before the internet 🙂
Thanks Gabrielle I will read the book you advise, I too had a guy disappear on me recently. Which he has done before, no goodbyes just walked out. I am beginning to realise I should not let him back in my life. 2 1/2 years of to and fro is not good for me. I need to strong thus time and realise he is not good for me or my children.
Helen xx
I'm going through this type of situation right now. I met what I believed was a very spiritual, loving and giving man in 2012.
He was divorced after wife of 28 years left him. After that,he had one other gf, but she dumped him then died shortly after.
He was always buying me things and taking me for nice dinners. We were inseparable! However, he was financially broke and couch surfing. He seemed to have a spending problem. I also saw some paranoia. He was almost like a Disney character in that he was very whimsical and yes, suffered from Peter Pan Syndrome. He would tell me he loved me, but still seemed uncommitted. Can't quite put my finger on it. After a year and a half he left after I questioned why I wasn't included in certain social affairs regarding his religious affiliation. ( may have been a cult)I kinda had a melt down and hung up and told him to go after this girl he use to like. After that he never spoke to me again. I apologize d and explained why I was so upset, still nothing! Then, 4 months later, I traced him to a not so attractive girls Facebook. She had their picture as her profile pic.. Stretched wide across the page with this written below... In relationship since Aug 24. I couldn't believe it! She wasn't his type, was not so attractive and was pushy (something he didn't like in girls)
After that I left him Alone until Christmas Eve. I sent him a Merry Christmas msg and received this reply..." Nice tree, but who are you?" Wow! Could he really not recognize my number???? I wrote back and simply said I wanted to make peace in the new year. He never answered....
This has left me sooo broken!
I have been told by a couple people he is bipolar and I know his brother is because I told me so. I also know he seemed out of touch with reality! He once told me he would be a shaman some day and he had angel wings.
Wow! Lol....ad I'm reading this back...think I got my answer...he's nuts!
So glad you came to see this so clearly by simply writing it all out - and then reading it yourself, Ashley. All through your comment the words that came to my mind were, she needs to see it's him, not her. When she sees that, everything else will become clear. And then that's exactly what you saw!
This is exactly how so many breakthroughs occur through this website and in my coaching practice. When you tell your situation or your fears or whatever it is that keeps you stuck, and you hear it or see it reflected back to you, that clarity you've been looking for appears!
I totally understand how you want to get closure from him, get that last conversation, but sometimes it just doesn't turn out that way. I agree with Jane, if it is meant to be, some time down the road, it will be, but DON'T WAIT. get on with your life, you CAN commit, even if he couldn't. But I want to caution you on one thing, and please take me seriously: if this man wants you back, do not go! I think he can easily go in and out of a relationship with you and where will that leave you, four or five years from now? If he DOES want to get back with you, it has to be with a ring and a proposal immediately, or just say NO! Do not give in to his wish to get you back, unless he can make an immediate commitment, or you will just waste more time. I think there is someone better out there for you and wish you the best.
I love your strength, Adrienne; it's true that once you've been there and found out these things the hard way, it makes your resolve to avoid wasting any more time on someone that much stronger. And how beautiful it is when you can pass this along to someone else from your own personal story of heartbreak. Thank you!
I agree with you, Jane! Not only do I love your response to your reader... Which is right on to a healthy mindset and life... But I also like how Adrienne put it bluntly... No more words: only act ions count! I have made this mistake too many times to admit, since I am so quick to forgive and let go... Yet when it comes to certain people, you really do have to run away from them and don´t let them in your life anymore... With the possible exception of the rare grand gesture and true change!
Thank you, Monica; and thanks for your beautiful insight here because that's exactly what so many of us discover only after the fact; we're "so quick to forgive and let go", but with the very ones who aren't worthy of us!
27/04/2014
Hi
I would like to on behalf of a very good friend of mine, relate with her permission, as to what she is going through and share it with this dear lady. My heart goes out to you.
My friend has been involved in a serious relationship with a man for the past four years. Without any explanation this man has done much the same to her.
My friend has always been the best she could be to this man. Where everyother person turned their back on him, she was always the hand reaching out to him. She loved him unconditionally. She was the person who pulled him from the darkness into the light. He suffers from an alcohol abuse problem.
For myself and those who know my friend truly we are relieved. This man was always very abusive towards her and then he was always so sorry and played the victim. It was never his fault, always someone else had caused his mood, his work, his kids, his ex wife, his family, his in laws, her but never ever him. He promised he would never leave her, she now asks 'where are you now' he has just walked away from her. My friend realises he is a coward and she says, if he cared enough he would never have done what he did. It however does not make it any easier for the person who has been wronged especially when you have always been the best you could be and invested so much in this relationship. She has also said there have been many times she wants to write him an email or letter but stops herself from sending it. The saddest goodbyes are the one's that are never said are her words, true words. He kept her waiting, he took away many years of her life, many moments as he afterwards isolated her. He now lives in Canada and she recently visited there. She was treated like absolute dirt by himself, his relatives, his family who were visiting and kids. He apologized after she left Edmonton airport saying he would make it up to her and bring her back in the June 2013, he never did, he repayed her by making her wait with empty promises up until 2 weeks ago, he called her continuously in our day and our night and our early hours of the morning, we are eight hours ahead here, he never ever considered that she was totally exhausted, he never cared. Now the healing process has to start. And she has said I must write and say the only closure one will get is from ones self and forgive so you can move forward, revenge is never an option. In time this person without wishing any evil on them, and this man I speak of, will face their own karma, as karma has no expiry date and karma is only a bitch if you are. Like you Michelle, this friend is suffering but God heals all who hurt, give it time. You never deserved it, I am sure and I can tell you this woman I write of my friend never deserved this either. We are happy to have seen the article after I found something relating to this on the web. My friend made plans like he asked to come to Canada, he has let her go through all of that and right at the end, he has walked away, he never wanted her there, she knows that now. God blessings on you. In time this person will only be remembered as a coward and please never ever allow this man another shot to hurt you again because he will. He never ever tried to build her up, he just dragged her down, she not only is lovely looking she has a lovely soul as well, she is a decent person with good morals, he never ever appreciated what she did for him. He told her once, you have no place and then apologised. As I say, and she knows it as well, I and the rest of her friends are so relived, but we understand it does not make it any easier for a person who believes in the good of all and believes people can change, this man clearly cannot change that I speak of, he starts off well and ends badly. He made out his ex wife was the biggest slut and run around, he was married to her for twenty years and she left him many years ago, he made out also she was a bad mother but later it was discovered that he had the financial means to take care of his daughter and son. Let this be a warning to those out there, there are many people who are wearing a mask, they do not change their mask just falls off. Very sad. Kind regards
As I sit here reading her story, it sounds just like mine, we were friends for years, he moved away and came back up here over a year ago, we started to get involved, we had been friends for years, so I thought. We had gotten serious, so I thought. He told me he loved me more than I knew. We had spent even up to thanksgiving together. Then after that I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and he called me at work a few days later and said his phone was off. So he said he would call me later and I never heard from him until 4 days later because he was suppose to come over that sunday. So I texted him and asked was he coming over tmw, and he replied and said no, he would be over the next sunday which was two days ago and no response. I had been texting him and calling him for the past two weeks, no replies, no answering my calls. This has been a serious blow to me, because I had always been there for him when everyone had turned their back on him. Everything was everyone else's fault. He was sleeping everyone couch. Then it would be like they didn't want him there. I was always there to listen and build him up. I was his secretary, his financial friend, I put him even before myself. For him to walk away without a word its been so hard to bear, and it's all I can think about. But now I know he just doesn't want to deal with me, until he is down and out again. I have a big surprise for him, I won't be there to pick him up. Today is the day I have decided to try and move on and let him go. I don't want someone who don't want to be with me. He will see what he has lost. My instinct is screaming that he is already feeling it, but he don't want to have to answer any question. I only wish the best for him.
And he will, Diva. He does.
I'm confused, the name of this is "How do I get closure when he just disappeared?" But in the story she states the reason(s) for the relationship coming to an end, and gives valid examples of why the relationship had ended. Is that not closure? Knowing why the relationship ended? It seems to me, she has a pretty good idea of why it ended. She has closure.
Michelle, I am in the same place you are now. I am for some reason seeking closure from a man who made me once feel like a million dollars to breaking me down to make me feel like nothing. We were enjoying each other's company for 2 1/2 years also. We took a break for a few months ,got back together and one day he just stopped calling,texting and accepting text from me. Left without closure! I'm hurt,mad,and definitely feeling the need for an explanation. I've tried to accept it for what it is but it's been so hard. I know I still love this man but am mad at myself for that. Without closure leaves open wounds. People can give the advice to you to just move on but it's soooo damn hard!
Hi I'm not sure how to post my fiance of 5 years left me a month-and-a-half ago he's an alcoholic in and out of jail I always stayed by his side got another DUI and rather than stay and do his possible 9 years jail time he decided to go on the Run he asked me to go with him I said no when he left I change my number and I haven't talked to him since because I'm just afraid it's going to hurt more than it hurts not knowing now why he hasn't contacted me to see if I'm OK or if he still misses me and loves me but I guess I just gotta let it go any input would be appreciated ladies thank you you can reach me on Facebook through a family member or write me if you really wanted to instead of just checking on me since he's one that left me when I've been there for him he just chooses to stay there and let it go I guess that's no closure I need closure also him being on the run I don't think he wants to give him the contact in case it gets traced to him I don't know please help
Mitchell, i have experience the same and what i find helps is to get a make over, get rid of anything and everything that reminds u of the both if u together. Then go out there and flirt with guys, and even connect with guys u turned down only because u was with him but before u do all this, in one paragraphy tell him u fe about the parting and that u both can never be friends, so never contact again. This way u tell him, u hold him accountable for leaving with no words.