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I Don't Want to Push Him Away!

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Couple at home sitting in sofa and having a talk
Should I bring it up again?

Gail wrote to me this week, to be heard, to be listened to, and I'm responding to her letter today on the blog.

Her love interest has said he just wants to be friends, and she wants more than that.

Sound familiar?

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I met a guy after being divorced for 7-1/2 years. I never thought I would meet anyone again to love me for who I am, but he’s a lawyer and he’s younger than me.

I'm 60, he’s 49.

He’s really busy in court and in the office, and we stay in different cities, yes, but my problem is he said he wants to be friends because he doesn’t have time for a relationship because he’s so busy. I understand that but I really have a problem with it because if you really care about someone, you’ll make time for them.

I’ve told him that.Continue Reading

It's Hard Enough!

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A beautiful woman is frustrated with her head in her hands.
Do yourself a huge favor, right now.

Isn't that how you feel?

Everything already feels so hard, and then you have someone who isn't on the same page as you when it matters most.

No matter how hard you think it is now, it doesn't get any easier the longer you wait for someone to come around and change when the warning signs are there if you could trust yourself enough to see them.

Life is messy. Relationships aren't fantasies.

Who you are and who he is are products of years of programming - mostly the subconscious kind neither one of you are even aware of. Until the honeymoon is over and you're only left with reality, because the beginning wasn't who he really was.

At least not in a way he could indefinitely sustain.

It's why we excuse away those little behaviors that are actually the seeds of huge red flags. It's why we let those small things we don't want to make a mountain of slide, because of our own inherent confirmation biases.Continue Reading

Sure, it may be simple. But don't ever call it easy!

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A beautiful woman sits on a park bench wondering why she loves him.
And don't make it more difficult than it already is.

I've been talking a lot recently about the difference between something being easy and something being simple.

Like relationships.

And love.

And choosing something different than you're used to choosing.

Some of you get so down on yourselves because you get this in theory, but then you can't seem to apply it to your practical reality. You may have friends or family who make you feel like there's something wrong with you because it's not happening the way they make it seem like it should be, but the truth is, there's a world of difference between easy and simple.Continue Reading

It's Your Choice

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It is always your choice written on a blackboard.
Never, ever, forget this part.

You look back.

You look back at what was, not what is. You retell the story of how it should have been with your memory of what you did wrong.

It’s not too late!

Throw out the convention. Throw out the desire to have it the way your mind says it has to be.

This is your choice. You get to choose what terms you’re willing to accept.

This isn’t about him, it’s about you.

I’ve been working with a woman for years now, who has been trying to change the man she loves. She's miserable without him, and so is he without her. But together, they fight.Continue Reading

Are You Asking for Too Much?

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Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
It’s not that you’re asking for too much, it’s who you’re asking it of.

It's a question I hear from so many of you: Am I asking for too much?

I need you to think about this one, because if we're ever going to stop taking this out on ourselves, we have to separate the two.

It’s not that you’re asking for too much. Oh you’re not!

For someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s ready for a real committed relationship and knows that’s exactly what he wants and nothing less, what you’re asking for is entirely reasonable and doesn’t need to be defended or explained to anyone!

But if we’re talking about someone who for all he may say he’s ready for a relationship but doesn’t show you with his real life actions that he actually is, then you're going to feel like you’re asking for too much for a very good reason.

And this reason is because there’s a disconnect between the two of you.Continue Reading

Is It Settling to Date A Guy When There's No Chemistry?

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Young couple on a date talking in coffee shop
Should I keep dating him if I'm not feeling the chemistry?

The letter this week comes from beautiful Leah. She's wondering just how much time to give a guy when she's not feeling the chemistry, and she doesn't want to settle.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

I bought your program "Why men pull away" and I found it very helpful, especially the "Why Him?" section, as I was really struggling to understand how he could just disappear after all the special moments we shared and all the things he said.

I couldn’t shake the thought that he didn’t see me as "special enough" but your words make a lot of sense and help me accept the idea that he did see me as special, it’s just he wasn’t ready for it and it scared him.

I also really liked your analogy on the "mirror": how what we miss the most from him is that part of us that we weren’t able to find until we discover it mirrored back to us in someone else.

It just confirms what I already knew: that I need to work on my self-love and self-esteem so that I stop doubting that I am special.

The only bit I am struggling with is the part about giving guys we would never usually give a chance, a chance… It just sounds a bit like settling for a nice guy with whom you have a lot less chemistry, just because he is ready to commit and won’t hurt you.

I am all for giving nice guys a chance, my four longest relationship were with guys I initially didn’t feel attracted to, but that grew on me because we had great chemistry and I enjoyed spending time with them.

The first two had no commitment problems, the other two did.

I am now going through the painful process of dating again and the guy I had two dates with so far seems like a really nice guy, but the conversation is stalling and I’m just wondering if this is all there is to hope for: a nice guy with whom I can have "ok" conversations with.Continue Reading

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