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When Do You Know?

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silhouette of feet of couple sitting on the pier at sunset beach, low angle view
After those first few months, here's what I knew.

That was her question.

In our group coaching session over the weekend, one of the women who's experiencing something that seems like real love for the first time in her life asked me about when my husband and I first said the words "I love you", and how I knew I was in love with him.

Here's what I told them ...

I didn't know what I was in with my husband. I only knew how different it felt, how real it felt compared to the fantasy kind of love relationships I was used to, the kind that broke my heart almost as soon as I gave it away.

It was a few months after we'd met for the second time. We were at his friend's wedding in Santa Barbara, California.Continue Reading

I'm Desperate! My Partner Has Distanced Himself From Me and I Don't Know What to Do

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
I miss how we used to be.

Our letter this week comes from a reader who calls herself "Hopelessly in Love" (I'll call her "Hil".)

Sound familiar? I know most of us can relate to that feeling at some point or another and it's usually right up until we learn how to recognize the difference between something "hopeless" and something real.

Here's her story.

Hi Jane,

I need help. I'm desperate!

I met my partner online, we hit it off and exchanged phone numbers, we texted every waking day/night for hours and hours, even facetimed every day/night.

Recently I've noticed that my partner has changed completely, almost like a 360 turn around.Continue Reading

Why Love Always Seems So Complicated

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Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
Does this relationship that feels so complicated work for you?

Is it supposed to be this complicated?

That's the question I was asked by one of my clients the other day. And just like I explained it to her, let's settle this issue for you as well.

Love isn't complicated. It's only because the only kinds of love we've ever known have been complicated, convoluted and conditional that we're so confused on this one.

When you're with someone who isn't playing with your heart, who doesn't need to project their own insecurities onto you to cover their own to make themselves feel better, you simply have two people getting to know each other and building a relationship based on earned trust.

You navigate the relationship together.Continue Reading

What Is Love?

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text love on black background
What does it mean to you?

What does love mean to you?

Yes, really. What does love mean to you?

This thing that you find so elusive, that comes and goes in ways you never seem to see coming. This thing you’ve banked all your hopes and dreams on. This thing you’d give anything to experience firsthand.

Is it love?

Or is it the idea of love you’re chasing after?

I ask this only because I thought I was looking for love.

I’d have argued ostensibly with anyone who tried to tell me otherwise. And yet when I finally figured out what had been going wrong with every single one of my relationships, I realized I had only been looking for my own idea of love.Continue Reading

Culture. Power. Love....and You.

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st valentine's day greeting card with candle and hearts
Especially you.

All right, Beautiful. Today’s letter comes from yours truly - me!

With our official self-love day (aka Valentine’s Day) coming up right around the corner, I'm feeling really excited.

I’m so excited about the seismic shifts going on in our culture right now, and how much we’re waking up. Some of us are waking up slowly, and some of us are waking up really, really fast.

Some of us just to want to crawl right back into bed.

Well, if you’re here, I know you're at least starting to wake up.  And I’m also pretty sure you’re a feeler. In the most beautiful sense of the word.

You feel everything - and no, that’s not a fault or a flaw - it’s an asset. A beautiful one, and one that will always have your back.

The conversations we’re starting to have in every part of our society – and especially in the corridors that were previously off limits - absolutely have to happen before anything changes.Continue Reading

What No One Ever Tells You About Real Love

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Close up of man and woman holding hands in the sunset.
It's the part about real love they left out.

I wasn’t real.

They, on the other hand, might have been. But I would never know.

Because until I was able to get real, nothing was real. What I came face to face with was the reality that I didn’t know how to be real. I was too busy trying to be perfect.

Trying to figure out what it was they wanted me to be and then being that. Trying to prove my worthiness, my perfectness, my "perfect girlfriend-ness".

That’s all I knew. And that’s what I thought mattered.

I knew I wanted someone to choose me, to make me feel like something. To give a life to fit into. To give me a world to fit into and a role to play. To give me the instruction sheet on how to do a relationship.

Just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll be it.  Continue Reading

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