You hear what I'm saying, you hear what others are saying, but it's so hard to believe this is what it all comes down to. What if he's different? What if I'm the exception? What if it's just a matter of waiting a little longer? What if this is my dream and it can still come true? I understand completely where you're coming from if any of this resonates with you.
It took me many times of going back and forth, many dances of holding on tighter and then letting go one small step back at a time before I was finally able to completely let go and move on from the many relationships I was in that held so many of my hopes and dreams. I, too, always whispered those words to myself whenever someone came along who thought they knew better, even if I had been the one asking for their thoughts.
Unfortunately, when someone is in the thick of it, they are rarely ever open to seeing a relationship for what it is. I have learned time and time again, that unless someone is open to hearing the truth, so much of what we say isn't able to be received. So I have learned to give someone an honest outside perspective if they ask for it, but then, to give them the space to do what they choose to do with that information. We only become co-dependent if we keep after them, trying to get them to change, to see it the way that everyone else clearly sees it.
I've come to realize that we are all on our own unique journeys, and each of us comes to that level of awareness when we finally see things the way they are instead of the way we want them to be, in our own timing. The point is to share our own unique perspective, and then let them discover this in the way that is meant to be for them. Just like we can't make anyone love us, we also can't make anyone else see the truth of what's really going on if they refuse to see it, no matter how much we see themselves only hurting themselves more this way. It is such a personal choice to choose to come into the light of what is instead of being guided by our deep inner longings and deepest hurts that influence our decisions more than any degree of logic.
The "why" of why we we do this to ourselves, why we find ourselves so attracted to someone who is so not good for us in the first place, and then remain in such a relationship even after we've heard the truth, is because these subconscious needs we have at the core of us are stronger than any conscious rational thinking. We are never drawn to these men because they are so attractive, or so intelligent, or so wealthy, or so charming, or seductive, or whatever it is for each one of us; we are drawn to them because they trigger in us something familiar so that we sense a unique opportunity to right a wrong, or make good on something that we didn't get or was done to us in our distant past, usually from our earliest childhoods, so great is the pull towards someone like this.
We are drawn to the opportunity to finally affect the outcome, to prove ourselves worthy and loveable enough to finally have the person this person outwardly represents to love us in the way we know we deserve. And yet what takes so long for us to recognize, is that it is not our issue, it is theirs. That they were never capable of loving us the way we deserved to be loved had nothing to do with our own lovableness or worthiness, but everything to do with their own issues and demons that they never learned to deal with before we were in their lives.
And once we're there, it becomes so hard to leave, we will come up with every excuse to keep us there, to keep the reality of the truth away before we're ready to hear it. Because it means everything to make it work, we are talking about love here, and because it runs so much deeper than this particular man, we feel like we are dying without it. Because as a child, we could actually die without love, but we forget we're no longer children, we no longer have to be victims, we can choose to end all this pain and misery with a simple word. Enough!
But it's only when we are willing to see the reality of what is and not what we want it to be, that we see any of this. And that is why we do this to ourselves and it never feels like a conscious choice until we get to that point where we can say those words and mean it, my beautiful friend, and that is also why we keep repeating these same patterns over and over again until we finally get to this deeper level of awareness where there is nothing left to prove; there never was.
Until then, until we come to that realization and can accept the reality of what is, it is enough to just be open. To know that everything happens for a reason. To trust that this is part of your journey for a purpose. And to believe that when it's time, when you're ready to move beyond the life that you cannot imagine letting go of right now, you will be strong enough to do exactly that. This isn't about measuring up to some standard of what you should be able to do. Nor is it about beating yourself up if you're not there yet and don't know if you ever will be. When you've learned what you need to learn from this, when you're ready to do something different, you'll know. It will become absolutely clear to you that you can do this!
And until that time, if all you do is learn what it means to truly love yourself and forgive yourself for whatever regrets you may have had along the way, that is more than enough.
One of our beautiful readers, Nadia, wrote to me asking how to learn to love yourself more. I realized that this is something that all of us soft-hearted, sensitive, caring souls need to learn to do better. Here's her letter along with my response to share with all of you.
There is really only one question that it all comes down to if you peel away the layers of what's really going on...
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