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Why Standing On The Sidelines, Waiting For Things to Change, Never Gets You There

23 Comments

A beautiful woman sits on a bench in a park by herself.
It's time to try something different.

What does it feel like to not have to be perfect?

Or to not care about what anyone else thinks?

Or to be the woman every man wants?

Or to finally be able to let go of him?

What is it like to live like that? To not feel like there's something wrong with you, to live your life like that confident, sassy woman you know, to say "next" when he's not ready for the commitment you are? What would it be like to live your own life like this?Continue Reading

But I Don't Want to HAVE to!

36 Comments

A beautiful woman sits across from a man during a date that she doesn't want to be on.
Ugh! Why do I have to do this?

I hear these words from so many of you.

"But I don't want to have to!"

Whether you're talking about meeting new men, going to singles events, signing up for online dating, going to new places, finding your passions, following your interests, your response is so often the same.

We want it the easy way.

The way that said he was The One and your search was over.

The way that said that you didn't have to put yourself out there – again.

The way that had you imaging your future together and it felt so good!

The way that finally gave you the answer to address all those questions of "why are you still single?"

Why couldn't it be the easy way?Continue Reading

So Where Is He?

30 Comments

A man stands on the edge of a pond looking at the city in the distance.
But still he eluded me.

Where is this elusive soul? Where does he hide? Where does he spend his time?

What places call to him, and who are the people he spends his time with?

I know this is what you're really asking.

Where is he? And where do I find him?

If there was one question I asked myself a thousand times, it was this one. There was no one who understood just how elusive he could be more than me.Continue Reading

The Confidence We Were Never Given

19 Comments

A beautiful young woman is figure skating, building her confidence and enjoying her passion.
It's time to let your light shine!

I've recently taken up ice skating again.

You may remember this post where I mention my aspirations to become a professional figure skater as a young girl. I rediscovered my love of ice skating in my late twenties during my own personal quest to find my passions and create the life I always wanted – and rediscovered the little girl with such big dreams in the process.

As happens with life sometimes, the ice skates went into a box and got put in the back of the closet along with a lot of other things while more pressing priorities (like raising small children) took over the forefront of my life.

But now, I'm happy to say, they're once again seeing not only the light of day, but the beautiful cold smoothness of the ice once again. This time around I'm skating with my kids, and it's an amazingly enjoyable activity for me to do with them.

Whenever the music's playing over the sound system, the disco lights are flashing and I'm gliding over the freshly cleaned ice, I get that feeling like the world's my oyster once again.

Like anything is possible.

And that feeling is the exact reason why I’m always encouraging you to find a form of creative expression that speaks to you. Something you love and can feel passionate about. When you discover this for yourself, you’ll know exactly why!

But that's not what this post is about.

Continue Reading

Living and Loving Your Life

27 Comments

Beautiful-woman-living-and-loving-life
We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves.

As much as we talk about dating, and committing, and knowing how to tell if someone is right for you or not, there is one thing that underlies so many of all those conversations.

It’s about passion. It’s about love. And most of all, it’s about you.

It’s about what’s behind the creating of a life for yourself that gives you a reason to call this living your life. It’s about what’s behind what gives you something to get up and get going for every single morning instead of leaving you feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better.

It’s the difference between seeing the glass half-empty, or the reality that it’s just as much half-full. It’s what gives you the strength to carry on – because you know you’re worth it – instead of giving into that relentless little voice that says you’re not.

You see, the missing piece for so many of us is having a real life for ourselves that gives us something to live for when it matters most.

We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves. We have to want to enough to do something about it. We have to choose to live, to refuse to be a victim, to refuse to blame anyone else, to refuse to accept the path we've previously chosen as the only way to live.

Continue Reading

Don't Ask "Who's Next?" Ask This Instead

19 Comments

A beautiful woman looks into the camera wondering not who's next but what's next. Where is he? We wonder.

We've done our work, we say.

We've learned more than enough lessons and we’re finally starting to see the role we play in these relationships that aren't the ones we belong on and we’re learning to stop holding on so tight.

But when will he come along? You wonder.

Where is he? You come right out and ask.

You've kept your end of the bargain, is what you’re really saying, with the universe, with God, with whoever it is you’re bargaining with; now where’s your reward?

And there you are. Alone. And it hurts.

It doesn't seem fair. So much work, so many lessons, when is it going to be my turn? is the silent question never far from your lips.

Just move on. Let go.

“I've done that”, you say. But is it possible that, like me, not too long ago, you were expecting to move on to someone else and not to more of you, alone, like before? And is it this new expectation that’s bringing with it a whole other belief system with its own set of “shoulds” and assumptions and new stories that are simply replacing the old?

We think we move on to a who.

All too often we wait for someone better to come along before we take that leap. But it’s actually the reverse that’s true. You move on for yourself. You move on to a what before there becomes a who.

The what that you move on to is a life that’s waiting to be lived. Your life.

You move on to your dreams, your goals, your passions. You move on to your hobbies, your causes, your impossibles that become possibles. You move on to the amazing life you create for yourself!

I used to fight it. I’d stay in that bad relationship until something better came along so that I wouldn't have to be alone, so it would be easier to give up what little I was getting that seemed like so much at the time.

But it never quite worked that way. The ones who came along were all very much the same as the ones they replaced. Or they were the ones I should have been interested in, but they could never compare to my view of what I was giving up at the time.

The question of whether I was really better off alone would always set in.

I know you wonder that, too.

That it sometimes feels like you've been sold a bill of goods. That it wasn't supposed to be like this. That the right one was supposed to have come along by now.

And I know that you’re so tired of being alone. And going on that blind date. Or getting online “just in case”.

We all have it

If I could spend a day with you, I could tell you exactly what your particular “it” is. We all have one.

It’s the reason behind the reason. It’s what you can’t see because you've been doing it for so long even though you believe you've been doing it different every time.

If you didn't have one, if there was no real reason except that you’re not enough, or there’s something wrong with you, it would be just that simple. But there is one, and you are. Enough and perfect just the way you are, for someone who’s truly right for you. But without this thing that’s holding you back and keeping you where you are.

Find that what that you need to move on to. Peel away those layers some more to see who you really are. To discover what it is you really want, and why it’s so hard to find just that.

I've heard so many women who say they've done it all and tried everything and they know that there’s nothing more they can do to find “him”.

They’re just unlucky, they falsely believe. And so they’re spending all their time and energy fulfilling their own self-fulfilling prophecies. And yet, when I see who they’re choosing, when I see who they’re not choosing, it’s clear there’s some disconnect between who their story tells them they want and who their heart of hearts desires.

Are you the damsel in distress?

Are you the princess waiting to be rescued?

Are you the strong, grounded, responsible one who only wants what you can’t have?

Are you the girl who was never allowed to play and so there he is, the player?

Are you the one who’s still trying to prove herself to someone who only exists in your mind?

Is it the fairy tale you’re stuck in, or is it someone else’s reality that he has to be so much more than what he is?

Who’s doing the choosing for you? Your mother, your father, your sibling, or some other “them” that hold you to a certain type?

What about a different type? What about someone completely different from all the ones before? Have you really tried them all?

Go there. Dig around. See what you find.

And while you’re there, check out your belief system. What do you really believe about love behind the ready answers you give so well?

And while we’re peeling away those well-rehearsed answers, what about those things that stir your soul? What about those fascinations, those passions, those things that won’t be silenced, but have been for so long?

What about all those things you love to do that others who share your values, your interests would also be doing in the places you’d be doing them, too?

What about those random moments in that coffee shop with other connoisseurs, those cozy chairs in the book stores with other book lovers, those times volunteering with animals, children or causes where other like-minded individuals find each other?

What about the whole new world that’s opened up with online-dating? Could all those real-life couples we all know who found themselves through this medium - and would never have come across each other otherwise - really all be wrong?

So much to explore when you see yourself and your world for what it is; opportunities to live, to create, to build, and to grow.

A life without fear, without making it into “finding him” and instead making it about finding ourselves.

Because remember, it’s not about trying so hard. It’s about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are drawn to each other in the living of two lives.

It’s a life. And it only takes one.

You.

What about you? Have you gotten caught up in the trap of constantly searching for your Mr. Right? Tell us about it in the comments! We've all been through it, and we're here to help.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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