confident

One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

I get it. I used to do it to.

We all think about what we need to do to get his attention. Sure, we think about what we want in a guy, but as soon as we meet a guy like that, our thoughts turn to trying to figure out how we can catch him.

As in, he's such a great catch. We try to be sexy. We try to be hip, or cool, or loving or whatever other adjective we think might get him to pick us. To choose us over the others.

We get so caught up in thinking about him that we forget that there’s a whole lot more to this story - the part of the story that’s all about you!

You see, this isn't all about him. We've all been programmed by our culture, the media, and our families and friends to believe it's all about being desirable.

We spend all of our time focusing on what we can do or be to make him like us, make him choose us, make him fall in love with us and make him want to spend the rest of his life with us.

But we’re missing something here!

You.

This is about knowing who you are, and knowing your worth.Continue Reading

You’re Already Her!

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No, that’s not a typo. It’s not a place we’re talking about, it’s a person.

You.

You know all those things we keep aspiring to be? All those places we keep aspiring to get to in our level of awareness? All those parts of ourselves we’re working on and trying so hard to overcome? All those things we’re constantly beating ourselves up about and trying to do differently?

That perfect version of ourselves that we're struggling to become.

What if you were already her? We do such damage to ourselves when we’re so hard on ourselves, berating ourselves for all the things we should have done differently, should have known better, should have seen coming, if only we were already there! But what if you were?

What if you already have everything you need to know within yourself, what if within you was everything you needed to be that beautiful, confident woman you want to be? To be that beacon radiating out your beautiful essence of who you truly are. What if all that was missing was simply for you to realize this to fill in that one missing piece?

You!

You see, I received a letter recently from one of our readers who was telling me of a trip she’s taking to a place where I had lived for a while. The memory of this place came crashing back to me, and along with it came the memory that the entire time I lived there it was for one reason and one reason only: to try to convince someone of my worth and why he should choose me.

For almost three long years that was my one and only purpose in life until I finally realized I couldn't make him love me the way I dreamed our future could be if only he would realize it, too.

The experience left my self-esteem and self-confidence in tatters. The memory got me thinking about what I would have done so differently now if only I had realized all that I've learned -and lived- since then.

I now know that I had it all within me even back then, I just hadn't realized it.

And that’s why I’m here to remind you of what you might not realize either.

Be that woman.

Be the woman who’s so confident, who’s so sure of herself and her power. What’s keeping you from seeing that? What’s keeping you from believing that? What’s holding you back from living like her? What’s stopping you from giving yourself permission to be her? Who are you allowing to hold this kind of power over you? Who are you letting define you and limit who you can be and what you can do?

You’re her, my beautiful friend. She’s already there.

Release her; release the you that you know is in there, and go out and create that beautiful life that’s just waiting for you to embrace it. It’s full of all the love in the world that’s ever been there for you, but it only begins when you tap into that overflowing cup of self-love for your true, beautiful self.

You can do this. You know you are this. You might not recognize her when you first catch a glimpse of her when she steps out like this, but trust me, you know her already.

She’s YOU!

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

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A beautiful smiling confident woman is happy knowing that she is building her confidence. — Use this one little trick and watch your confidence soar!

I started thinking about how differently I would have lived much of my life as a single person if I knew then what I know now about what it’s really like to be loved and in a committed relationship with the love of my life.

I thought of all of you, and I wanted to come up with some way to convey this feeling to you, where you’re at right now.

I want you to have a certain kind of vision, one that all too few of us have when we most need it. I want you to see now, before you go through any more heartbreak, before you write any more stories of your life that aren't the ones you deserve to be telling yourself.

Because the thing is, we all get so caught up in believing this is all about the search for that guy, that special man who will complete us, who will make everything better in our lives.Continue Reading

Change Your Mindset, Change Your Love Life

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You’re probably not even aware you’re doing it.

None of us do.

It happens so naturally, so subconsciously that it’s below our radar. And yet, it’s so ingrained in so many of us that we don’t even realize how detrimental it is to our beautiful selves and how much it affects our feelings of confidence and worth.

It doesn’t matter who it is we do this with, or what he has or doesn’t have; we’re the ones who feel the effects of this injustice.

It starts with the way he acts with us. It’s the way he maintains that distance with us that we put him on a pedestal simply because he knows he can choose and we feel like we can’t. He acts like he can take or leave us, and we only feel like we can be left. We all but forget that we’re the ones doing the choosing when all we can feel is the loneliness of our longing and the lack of anyone choosing us. It’s no wonder we give everyone else so much power and give ourselves away much too soon.

It’s because we don’t feel like equals.

When someone acts like they don’t really need anyone in their life, when they seem so confident in themselves and where they’re at we make them the superior ones and us the inferior. Since we feel the opposite. We walk into that same room looking for someone, hoping someone will choose us, lacking the self-confidence to know that we are all the same.

But we don’t feel that way.

You see, it’s because we don’t want to be alone, because we want to be part of a relationship, because we feel like we need someone in our life to make our lives complete. It’s because of these that when we walk into a room, when we go anywhere where there are other people, we know this about ourselves.

We do this to ourselves all the time.

And it’s not just about men. It affects so many areas of our lives.

We do this with our friends and acquaintances who all seem to make their relationships seem so easy by the ease with which they handle their ups and downs.

We do this at school with our teachers and later at our colleges and universities with our professors.

We do this with our co-workers and our supervisors at work when we attribute them with knowing so much more than we do simply because they've earned a higher degree or have a higher position.

Realizing this, is it any wonder we find ourselves questioning ourselves and our ability to offer anything of value, lacking the confidence to see that we have value just by being our beautiful true selves?

We need to see ourselves correctly.

Equals, my beautiful friend. That’s my challenge for you today, beginning right now. It’s time to stop seeing everyone as having so much more than you, of knowing so much more than you, of being worthy of so much more than you. You don’t know their story, you don’t know what they really feel underneath that apparently confident outer facade they project.

But this isn't about them, it’s about you. And what you have to offer.

The next time you walk into a room, the next time you’re around anyone, anywhere, anytime, it’s time to remember who you are. It doesn't matter who they are, what they've done or haven’t done, how confident they may seem, or how much they may seem to have it all together in the ways you wish you did. This isn't about them. It’s not about anyone else but you.

Hold your head up high. Smile that beautiful smile of yours. Let that beautiful true light of you radiate so that the real you can be seen for all that you are. Feel that confidence of knowing you are comfortable in your own beautiful skin.

There is no one you need to prove anything to. There is no one you need to measure up to. There is no one more deserving of anything – especially not love! – than you.

You don’t need anybody or anything. You desire someone who’s worthy of you and you refuse to accept anything less than that.

Feel that difference!

And walk on in. Or walk on by. And in that process take every single one of those people down from that pedestal you've placed them on.

Equals, my beautiful friend; that’s what you are with each and every one of them. No matter who they are, no matter what they've done, no matter what they can do that you don’t yet believe you can.

Always remember - you’re the prize!

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

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Remember back in High School in Phys Ed class where you would stand in line while two of the most popular girls – the captains - picked who would be on their teams?

Pick me, pick me – most of us called out, silently if not out loud.

And then one by one every girl would be picked until the very end when they would divvy up the best of the worst and begrudgingly allow them to be on their teams.

Sound familiar?

If you were like I was then you were one of the last picked, one of the ones who no one really wanted, but at the end would finally be allowed on.

And even if you weren't the last to be picked, you knew that you never wanted to be and always made sure you were good enough to ensure yourself a spot among those who were picked early on or at least somewhere in the un-noticeable middle area. Either way, the culture of hoping to be chosen all too early on became a huge part of all our reality, even if we didn't call it that.

Not much has changed.

We may not be in high school anymore, but the concept and the culture is still very much the same. Pick me, pick me, we say – usually it’s our silent cry now, but it’s still very much a part of our psyche.

And so it’s no wonder with this memory still fresh in the back of our minds, we still believe we have to be chosen by someone outside of ourselves to be truly accepted in this life.

And that’s why this matters so much.

That’s why we try so hard as if our very life depended on it; because for most of us, it really feels like it does.

And that’s why we take it so personally – because back then, as insecure children, it was that personal. Our classmates were our peers and they were our world for the greater part of our waking hours every single day.

So what they thought of us, and how they treated us, were everything to our growing sense of self-esteem and self-worth. We didn't have the maturity or confidence to know that what they said or did or thought of us didn't matter – that in reality they weren't any better than us even though it felt that way because what we were in was a popularity contest.

We didn't know then that there was a life outside of that culture because that was all we knew and it was all we had.

So it’s of little wonder we've transferred this same culture to our work, to our social life and most of all to ourselves. It’s never left us – it’s such an ingrained part of every single one of us.

Until we can see it for what it really is - a part of our culture and not a part of ourselves unless we choose to make it this way.

We may not have been able to choose a different way or to separate ourselves from the culture when we were children or before we knew any better. But once we know, we are the ones who can take back our own power by deciding whether this is still working for us. We can decide if this type of mindset serves our beautiful selves well, and we can choose what we want to do with it, regardless of how ingrained it is.

This isn't high school anymore.

You’re the one doing the choosing here, Beautiful. You’re the one who decides whether or not he’s worth your beautiful you based on the reality of who he is and what he has to offer you and not on some potential that only you can see.

Your worth isn't dependent on whether or not someone chooses to be with you or not. You’re the one who’s in control of your own life, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

We change the old mindset when we expose the old lies that have us believing that we’re only something if someone is choosing us by remembering this …

A woman who knows her own worth doesn't need to chase after anyone.

A woman who knows her value doesn't need to make anyone want to be with her.

A woman who knows all that she has to offer won’t buy into anyone else’s lie that she’s not something without someone else.

A woman who understands that she’s the one doing the choosing never has to convince someone of all the reasons he would want to be with her.

And she knows all this to be true.

We might not be able to change our culture, but we can change ourselves and how much we allow our culture to be a part of our lives.

You always were, and continue to be, far more powerful than you even know!

Am I Too Nice?

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Some recent questions I've gotten from a few of our beautiful readers are: How can I stop being so nice? How can I stop being so emotional? I want to be the dream girl, not the doormat!

Here's my response:

You are nice! You are emotional! Not only do you not need to stop, you need to love about yourself the very fact that you have these beautiful qualities!

You have the ability to feel, to empathize, to care, to love - and to do these all so deeply. These are special gifts you have to share with someone who is worthy of you! Someone who is looking for someone just like you because these are the qualities you possess. But when you are just getting to know someone, there's no possible way to know if this is someone you want to share these qualities – essentially, your YOU – with. You don’t know him well enough yet to know if this is someone you really want to have anything to do with at all!

I know how this happens because it used to happen to me all too often. Someone would come into my life and start paying so much attention to me that I was so flattered I would immediately start going into my programming. If he was confident, attractive and had those other surface factors that piqued my interest, I was there. I was showing him just how much of a catch I was, how much I had to offer him and giving him every reason to stop looking any further because I was everything he could possibly want in a girlfriend!

But there was something I had missed in this process. I wasn't taking my time to get to know him. I wasn't slowing things down to a speed that would allow me to do this. I was too excited, too caught up in his potential and the pace he was setting that I wasn't taking the time to figure out if he was really the right guy for me.

What I didn't now then that I do know now is that if he was the right guy for me, he wouldn't think I was too nice, or too emotional, in fact he would love those qualities about me!

This isn't about pretending to be something you’re not. While much of the popular dating advice centers around how to play it cool and how to play hard to get – where it falls short is that if you’re not there, if you’re not in that place in your life where you’re so confident of your worth and what you have to offer and you have enough of a life that behaving like this comes from your real self, pretending is going to have the opposite effect. You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!

You see, this isn't about you being too emotional, too nice, or not playing it cool enough. This is about you being who you really are!

It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet. It’s about being your true emotional self but also bringing in that practical side that we forget to bring along all too often so that she can give us her honest assessment of whether or not he’s worthy of all you have to offer him – because you do have so much to offer!

It’s not about playing hard to get, but actually being hard to get because you know that no man is worth dropping your own life, your own interests, your own friends and family for.

No matter how tempting it is for us to rush into things, to get so caught up in being in love and letting our emotions run wild because we’re so ready to be done looking for love, it's never worth it. The reality is that the only thing this kind of reaction does is get us so caught up in our fantasies - that are the farthest thing from reality - that we can’t get bring ourselves to get out once we’re in. And that’s what takes so much time!

Going through this process of falling so hard so fast and losing ourselves in another human being only to find out too late that you weren't on the same page, only hurts us in the end. Then we spend so much time in the recovery process – letting go and getting over someone who wasn't right for us if we had just taken the time in the beginning to find this out before investing so much of ourselves. It’s no wonder it’s hard to justify ending something that we've invested so much of ourselves in!

Take that time in the beginning. Slow things down. Make him wait for you. Keep living your own beautiful life that you've created for yourself and let him be a part of all this slowly enough so you can see just how compatible he really is with you. If he’s not the one for you, you want to find this out sooner, not later, before you've invested so much of your beautiful you!

It doesn't matter who he is, what he has to offer, or how much of a catch he seems to be; you’re the catch, my beautiful friend! You save your own beautiful, feeling, loving, giving self for someone who is looking for those qualities in you.

If he’s right for you and this is meant to be, there’s nothing you ever need to be except yourself. And that's true regardless of how nice, how emotional, or how whatever else you are!

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One Thing You Must Bring to the Table in a New Relationship.

You’re Already Her!

You.

You!

Be that woman.

One Simple Step to Dramatically Increase Your Confidence

Change Your Mindset, Change Your Love Life

It’s because we don’t feel like equals.

We do this to ourselves all the time.

We need to see ourselves correctly.

Our Culture of Hoping to be Chosen

Not much has changed.

And that’s why this matters so much.

This isn't high school anymore.

And she knows all this to be true.

Am I Too Nice?

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