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Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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She's confident, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows she's not going to accept anything less than she deserves. So full of confidence. A table card with the word "Next" sits on a white table.
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What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.

You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.

But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.

But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.

It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.

It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.

It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.

It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.

It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!

It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!

It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!

Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.

And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.

What To Do When You're Not Getting The Commitment You Want

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if it's a commitment you're looking for, no matter how amazing he seems, no matter how attractive he is, no matter how much he seems like everything you've been looking for in a man, the smartest thing you can do is hold onto your you and refuse to commit to him any more than he's committing to you. A beautiful woman sitting on the edge of the couch contemplates the lack of commitment from her boyfriend casually reading a book.It's what you want. The whole thing. The real deal. A fully committed relationship with him.

And yet here you are again, with another man who seems to be battling commitment phobia, settling for whatever he'll give because you've gone there once again. It might have started out innocently enough, with him acting and talking like he's on the same page as you. Or he might have come right out and told you he's not ready for anything serious, and yet you still believe that you and your love can change anyone. Either way, if it's a commitment you're looking for, no matter how amazing he seems, no matter how attractive he is, no matter how much he seems like everything you've been looking for in a man, the smartest thing you can do is hold onto your you and refuse to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

The more attracted you are to him, the harder this is going to be for you. But just because there's that spark, that energy, that attraction you feel on so many levels, doesn't mean that he's the one for you or that he's looking for the same thing you are (read: a commitment). It only means that you are attracted to someone that you don't know very well yet, and you certainly don't know if he's on the same page as you when it comes to something as important to you as commitment.

A harsh reality.

I know; you don't want to hear this. You don't want me to burst your bubble like this. But the reality is that all too often we get our hearts involved so deeply, our emotions embroiled in someone who says and does all the right things, that we forget to bring our more practical thinking side with us. Because the reality is, you don’t know enough about him yet to make a decision about him. He hasn't shown you his true self. You don't know how much you have in common. You don't know if you're compatible with him in the truest sense of compatibility beyond the attraction and excitement stage. And most important of all, he hasn't proven himself to be worthy of you and all that you are and all that you have to offer!

The downward spiral.

But the problem is, once you've gone there, once you're in over your head and letting your emotions take over, it's too late. He'll know he's got you. He'll know he doesn't have to do much more to keep you. He'll know that he doesn't have to give you that level of commitment you really want to you to keep you in his life. He's gotten to know you well enough to know that you're the kind that's worth keeping around for when he is ready to commit to you. But that's not good enough for you! And it's not even close to what you deserve! And by then, you won't be able to get out. You'll be in so over your head, you'll have given so much of yourself away, that you won't be able to extricate yourself from him without a whole lot of heartbreak.

But it's changeable.

By keeping one single thought in mind from the very beginning that you first meet someone, or cast a glance in his direction.

Don't commit to him any more than he's committing to you.

So, if he's not willing to give you the kind of commitment that you know you want, this means:

  • You don't give him your emotional or physical self.
  • You don't make excuses for him.
  • You don't wait for him.
  • You don't put him on a pedestal.
  • You don't give him any more time or energy than you give anyone else in your life.

The point is that you are meeting him where he is, you are accepting the reality of his lack of commitment for what it is, and you are living your life within that reality. You are pursuing your own interests, your own passions, and you are open to anyone who can give  you the kind of committed relationship that you truly want. You realize that you are the one that's in control - it's your decision whether to stay or leave. You have the power to decide the fate of the relationship - you can stay and hedge your bets by keeping yourself open to other possible relationships, or you can leave at any time. Truly knowing this deep down in your heart, and living your life this way will give you the power and the confidence that you need to be the strong woman that you truly are.

You are powerful.

You can do this. I know you can. And in the process, you'll find out what he's really made of and whether he's really worth your you. And then, and only then, when he's committing to you first, before you go there, you'll find a relationship unequal to anything you've ever had before. But you'll never know, you'll never have the chance to find out what you have is with someone who is on the same page as you, until you demand nothing less from him and refuse to settle for anything less than that full commitment you really want.

And that, my beautiful friend, is everything you deserve!

The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Won't Commit

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You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment . A beautiful woman is upset that her boyfriend won't give her the commitment she wants.You know exactly who you are.

You're the one who really has tried everything to get him to come around and fully commit. You're the one who's given him more than enough time to come around and finally make the commitment that would make everything perfect.

And now you know all that's left to do is accept that he just isn't there, isn't on the same page you are, and let him go. Except for one thing. You simply can't imagine just letting him go and moving on with your life.

You'd love to be able to just say "next", but that's just not you.

Because you're you. And because you're you – that beautiful, soft, loving, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, helpful, giving, caring, hopeful you – is exactly why you're about to do the very worst thing you could do.

You blame yourself.

You start thinking you were too pushy, too naggy, too demanding, too impatient, too sensitive, too insecure, too anxious, too needy.

You beat yourself up, you berate yourself, telling yourself if you had only done things differently, you would be together.

You keep going back and second guessing yourself, admonishing yourself that if only you had done this, or if only you hadn't done that. If only you hadn't said that. If only you hadn't gone there. If only, if only, if only.

Until finally, you convince yourself that this is really all your fault, that you simply aren't enough for him, that there is something wrong with you. I know that's what you're thinking because that's what I always thought too. Well, I have one thing to say to you:Continue Reading

Long Distance Relationship? 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

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At some point, every long-distance relationship needs to have two people be together to see if this is really going to be the relationship it promises to be. A beautiful woman is walking through the airport looking at her phone dialing her long distance relationship boyfriend hoping for commitment. So many of you have come to me with questions about long-distance relationships and how to make the best of them and what to do when you’re in them, that it’s time to delve a little deeper into what makes them work or not work. Whether they’ve turned into a long-distance relationship because he’s gone into the military, because he’s taken a job somewhere else, or whether you’ve been apart from the start, the reality is they’re never easy to be in, especially when your heart wants to be with him. You just never seem to have enough time to talk about the things you want to talk about when you don’t see each other on a regular basis.

So how do you make it better? How to get through this? What do you with the insecurities and doubts that this type of relationship often brings up? There are always so many questions, but few answers.

Here are a few questions you need to ask yourself:Continue Reading

It's Time to Let Go of the Fairytale

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She always won her man, and he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. A beautiful woman dressed as a princess is running toward the fairytale castle.You remember the story well. Yet another beautiful commoner captured the heart of the prince, and the two rode off into the sunset to live happily ever after. It didn't matter how many times you heard that story, how many different versions of it you read; the outcome was always the same. She always won her man, he always pursued her regardless of what obstacles came up, and they always eventually married and lived happily ever after. And so it is no wonder that now, when you are all grown up, that story is still playing in your mind, forming your belief of what falling in love and being in a relationship is all about.

Whether it's subconscious or not, that theme plays in our minds whenever we meet someone, whenever we're in a romantic relationship. It's no surprise we believe we can make someone love us, we can change the cold heart of even a beast, that we can move heaven and earth to show someone that we are the one for him.

And that's exactly what we try to do.

Over and over again we repeat this pattern from the time we have our first encounter with what we believe is love, until it becomes so ingrained in us, that we don't know how to do anything different. We think it's our role, our calling. We believe that all we have to do is be that beautiful, loving, perfect woman, and he will fall for us and we will live happily ever after, too.

Until our first encounter with reality.

When we find out that we've been told a story that doesn't translate into real life. It might make for a great tale, a must-see movie, or a captivating romance novel, but when it's our lives we're talking about, there's nothing happily-ever-after about it. The happy ending never came.

And so we learn.

But not before we repeat this pattern at least a few more times before we finally see where this fairytale thinking really takes us in real life, and realize there has to be more than what we're living, what we're experiencing in our own reality.

And so when we're finally ready to see love for what it really is and how it really happens, we start our journey. Our quest from a place we don't understand to a new place that we don't know anything about either. We just know we want the real thing.

We learn it's not about being perfect, not about pleasing anyone or being someone we're not. It's not about making someone love us or refusing to give up on someone even though they're telling us it's over or that they won't make a commitment in no uncertain terms.

It's about being real.

It's about two people who both want the same thing; two people who are both on the same page. Who want to get to know each other better to see where this might lead. It's about being compatible instead of contradictory. It's about sharing the same values and wanting the same things in life. It's about being realistic instead of hopeful. It's about being authentic and staying true to yourself and who you are even if it means that this might not end in the happily ever after you were so sure it was going to be. It's about accepting change. It's about accepting what is. It's about being open to someone not being your Prince Charming after all. It's about realizing there's no shame in admitting you might have been wrong on this one. It's about realizing you don’t answer to anyone except yourself.

It's also about being willing to say goodbye when one or both of you isn't on the same page, with the realization that there is so much more to life than this. It's about communicating openly and honestly with each other. It's about hearing each other, and knowing when to listen instead of talk. It's about really hearing what someone else is saying. It's about having disagreements but knowing you are, as a couple, strong enough to work through them. It's about not always feeling like being where you are, but knowing there's no place on earth you'd rather be except right there. It's about being able to accept what is even when it might not be exactly what you want it to be. It's about being picky about the right things. It's about two people, not just one or the other.

It's time to let go of the fairytale.

It's time to let go of the stories of princes and princesses, Cinderella, Snow White, Prince Charming, to name a few (not to mention those modern romantic comedies). All those stories you thought, on some level, were what true love was all about. They were just that - stories. Made up. Fictional. All those Disney movies, and now all the romantic comedies – it's time to see them for what they are. It's time to stop looking for your oh-too-fictional Prince Charming. Because he isn't real.

There's a real Mr. Right out there in the real world looking for a real relationship with a real woman who's exactly like you. The Mr. Right that treats you the way you deserve to be treated and wants the same things that you want, and believes in the same things that you believe in. He'll have his flaws the same way that you have your flaws, but he'll be perfect in the ways that really matter.

And when you find him, you might realize that he wasn't exactly what you expected. But if you keep your heart and your mind open, you will see that it turns out he's even better.

It's Your Decision

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A beautiful woman lies in bed next to her boyfriend, wondering what decision to make.
I know it's not easy.

What can you live with?

Whatever he's doing or isn't doing; whatever you want him to do that he can't do, you're not going to change him.

As much as you want him to change, to make a commitment to you, to do something different, the reality is that you are not going to change him and no amount of loving him is going to change him.

So this ultimately comes down to you.

It's time to ask yourself some tough questions.

What are you willing to put up with? What is he worth to you? What does having him in your life on these terms – his terms – mean to you?

Would you rather have him in your life as he is, not as you want him to be, but exactly as he is, if it means keeping him in your life, or do you need that commitment from him or whatever else you want from him more than him?Continue Reading

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